Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Newly-Elected Mayor Pledges to Build Roads, Expand Industrial District, Summon Deadly Tornado

Posted on January 15, 2022 by Kyle Erf

OW MY ASSVILLE — The mysterious new mayor, who no one remembers electing, has laid out a bold plan for 2022 which involves investing in the city’s infrastructure, broadening the industrial district, and somehow personally summoning a giant tornado expected to do lots of damage to the downtown area.

“I certainly have some issues with the plans the mayor has laid out today,” said a concerned citizen outside of City Hall shortly after the mayor’s speech commenced. “Now don’t get me wrong, we are definitely due for some of our roads and bridges being fixed, and you won’t catch me complaining about creating new factory jobs in the city, but a tornado? Really? Why not just build another zoo or a football stadium if you feel like spicing things up around here?”

The plan, outlined in a press conference held earlier today, calls for an F-4 level tornado to come and absolutely gut the shopping district of downtown Ow My Assville. While fatalities and destruction are sure to be caused, the mayor insists that the rebuilding efforts will create enough jobs to embolden the local economy for years to come.

“I guess that makes sense in some kind of twisted way,” said a second anonymous citizen. “But we could also just like try a UBI or something before pulling some weird X-Men shit. Just typical politician logic. They could address the public transit system around here if they really cared about us, but no, they’d rather summon a natural disaster that stirs us into a state of fear and hysteria. Why did I move to Ow My Assvile? I don’t even remember voting for this guy.”

As of press time, the mayor had donned a hard hat and was preparing to head downtown for a photo op as soon as the devastating twister had subsided.

Creators Confirm Phineas & Ferb Could Have Cured HIV Whenever

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Naomi Krause

NEW YORK — During a Q&A panel at the Paley Center for Media, the creative team behind the Disney Channel series Phineas & Ferb agreed today that the show’s titular characters could have easily taken a single day off from their wacky adventures to synthesize and distribute an affordable and permanent cure for HIV.

“Phineas & Ferb are bright, gifted scientists, and they had so much practical advice to share with our viewers,” said executive producer Jeff “Swampy”” Marsh. “Most of their adventures taught whimsical lessons like don’t be a bully, the tip of your shoelace is called an aglet, stuff like that. But they absolutely could have taken a break from their hijinks with Perry the Platypus to put an end to the deadly HIV epidemic that’s been raging on since 1981. They have the drive and the knowledge to do anything they put their minds to, and as a child of Ronald Reagan’s America, I certainly tossed that idea around in the writer’s room. Those cowards at Disney would have never aired an episode with some real truth in it, though.”

According to those familiar with the situation, there was some development on the idea to have Phineas and Ferb cure HIV, but the episode never got far.

“There was a whole script outline with storyboards and everything,” said co-showrunner Dan Povenmire. “Perry the Platypus becomes infected and delivers a tearful monologue about practicing safe sex. Then Phineas & Ferb start working on a cure while their sister, Candice, the conservative brat, tries to tattle on them to ‘the man,’ which in this case is their mom. It’s basically the same as Rent, just with a platypus. Unfortunately, it never made it to air. We’re all still pretty sad thinking about what a hopeful message that could have been. Especially because it implies that Phineas and Ferb specifically chose not to cure HIV, knowing that they could have at any time. It turns these characters into villains.”

At press time, the defeated panel told fans that unfortunately the only way to know what other diseases Phineas and Ferb could have cured would be to tweet at Disney and demand new episodes of the show on Disney+.

Entirety of ‘Smiling Friends’ Now Streaming on YouTube in 15-Second Stolen Clips

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Season one of Adult Swim’s new comedy show Smiling Friends has released in its entirety on both Adult Swim’s website, as well as on YouTube in various 15-second clips uploaded by random users.

“The original plan was to have two episodes come out each week throughout January, but I’m really happy that we were able to get the whole thing out all at once, and across two streaming platforms,” said the show’s co-creator Zach Hadel. “As someone who got his start on YouTube, it’s really great that people can experience the show that way, by having each bit individually recommended to them in 10 to 15 second clips. When I first envisioned Smiling Friends, I hoped that people would watch the whole thing out of order, sometimes in cell phone recordings of some guy’s computer monitor. That’s television in the modern age, I think.”

“Also I think you can watch it on Hulu,” Hadel added, “if you’re some kind of fucking weirdo.”

Fans of the series have praised Adult Swim’s rollout choice.

“Thematically, Smiling Friends is a show about chaos, so it’s fitting that I’ve seen probably about two thirds of it as YouTube clips of the little green guy yelling. Or at least I think I’ve seen two thirds, because I have literally no way of knowing how long it is,” said fan Arvin Senior. “I could watch it on the website, but I don’t want to. I want to watch it based on what YouTube recommends to me and I want to tweet at Adult Swim begging them to put the show on HBO Max so I can eventually watch it there. That’s part of the Smiling Friends experience to me and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“Why wouldn’t I trust the YouTube algorithm?” Senior continued. “Is there anybody who knows me better? I have to imagine I’d like watching Smiling Friends better in this order than whatever order the nerds at Adult Swim put it in.”

At press time, Adult Swim announced that Smiling Friends would soon be released as physical media via flash drives, each containing four random one-minute clips of the show, scattered randomly across cities in the United States.

Opinion: I Feel Safer Knowing Kirby Owns a Gun

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Liam O'Malley

This week, Nintendo released new footage of Kirby: The Forgotten Land featuring the titular pink puffball character displaying a new copy ability: the right to bear arms. Although some were surprised and confused by this, I am relieved to know that everyone’s favorite squishy guy can now stand his ground when necessary.

For over 30 years we’ve seen just how dangerous Dreamland is. It is a cesspool of crime where scum can just steal your cake while you’re taking a lil nap in the sunshine. Cries for justice fall on deaf ears as corrupt King Dedede not only allows these horrid crimes, but he also takes part in it, making comically oversized piles of food in his castle. And you expect me to trust some shady figure who barely enjoys a scenic picnic like Meta Knight to stop him? No.

It’s impossible to even go for a walk without some seemingly innocent little floating cat head suddenly opening its disgusting mouth to reveal its horrifying fangs and lunge at you. I do not provoke this creature. I have no copy ability to gain from eating it. Why shouldn’t I support Kirby being out on the streets equipped with the necessary tools to protect me? I feel safer sleeping at night knowing that this man — this pink squishy man — is keeping the streets safe from these vile creatures.

If we expect Kirby to go on fun adventures and keep the peace, he needs more than just the ability to endlessly consume foes and absorb their power on a near cosmic level. He needs a glock. Kirby has a moral responsibility to kill.

Some may say that it’s too dangerous to give Kirby a gun. That he’s too young or that he lacks the necessary training to wield a firearm. Let me remind you that he has been a doctor, a ninja, and Solid Snake — all individuals qualified to wield a deadly weapon. Does Kirby not deserve to defend himself and those he loves if he’s attacked? If someone breaks into Kirby’s home, does Kirby not have the right, if he doesn’t want to suck up their ability and hit them with it, shoot them dead in his home? Kirby deserves to feel the power of holding a killing device in his little nubby hands and I deserve to know that I can rest so long as Kirby does.

At the end of the day, we can trust Kirby because he’s shaped like a friend. Specifically, a friend who will kill anyone who gets in his way. If you got a problem with all this, then maybe don’t call Kirby the next time President Haltmann is turning you into a robot for corporate gain. Let’s see how THAT goes.

Catholic Kid CONFIRMED???

Posted on January 14, 2022 by Chandler Dean

You’re gonna want to sit down for this one! After years of speculation, Hard Drive has acquired footage from a private conference at Reaching Souls Cathedral that corroborates what so many have predicted over the last decade: Catholic kid James Kim has been officially CONFIRMED!

If you’ve been paying any attention, you already know that Kim’s Catholicism was originally teased in 2009 with a baptism ceremony organized by his creators. That ritual also included a reveal of Kim’s sponsor — his aunt Kathleen — though she’s already been officially CONFIRMED since the early 1990s.

Kim’s baptism, of course, came at an extremely early stage in his development — and we’ve learned a whole lot more info since then!

For one thing, although we’ve taken to calling him by the codename “James Kim” for so long, the ceremony revealed that Kim’s official new name is “Ignatius.” That’s gonna take some getting used to! In fact, one attendee of the spiritual launch event, Kim’s friend Sarah Chang, insists that she’ll keep calling him James Kim because, as far as she’s concerned, “that’s still his actual name.” We’ll see if other fans in the growing James Kim community follow suit!

If there was any doubt that this keynote was going to include some major bombshells about Kim’s ongoing covenant with God, it all disappeared the moment that living legend Bishop William Berrigan IV strutted onto the chancel.

“As we enter Q1, be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit,” Berrigan told Kim, officially CONFIRMING his CONFIRMATION. “Peace be with you in Q2 and beyond.”

Up until now, sources close to Kim have largely withheld details about his CONFIRMATION when approached for comment, offering only cryptic statements like “it’s just a literal fact that he hasn’t been CONFIRMED yet” and “why are you asking me all these questions about my son’s sacrament?” Now that Kim has been officially CONFIRMED, you’d think his producers would be more forthcoming with details — but they have not responded to any of our follow-up emails.

Nevertheless, one thing’s for sure: James Kim is officially CONFIRMED. Of course, we know how these things go. Just because something is CONFIRMED doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to see the finished product. But when we asked whether there was any chance Kim could still end up in development hell, his priest responded “nope — just regular hell.”

Shocking Interview Reveals Matt Damon Thinks ‘The Martian’ Really Happened to Him

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A recent interview with Variety has revealed that actor Matt Damon apparently thinks the events of 2015’s blockbuster sci-fi film The Martian actually transpired several years ago, and that he was briefly stranded on the planet Mars.

“I remember bumping into him at some awards thing shortly after we wrapped,” said Kristen Wiig, who portrayed Annie Montrose, a PR director for NASA, in The Martian. “He just kept thanking me for getting him ‘down from there.’ At first I thought, okay, he’s doing a method thing. But then I realized, we’re all done making the movie, and here he is tearing up thanking me for getting him back to his family. I just said no problem and got away from him. What a weird dude.”

The film’s director, Ridley Scott, confirmed that Damon seemingly thought he was stranded on the planet Mars for the duration of the film’s production, confusing his character’s dilemma for his own.

“I’ve worked with so many greats, and all of them do things a bit different,” said the legendary director of such films as Alien and Blade Runner. “So when Matt thanked me profusely every morning for helping to get his message ‘back to Earth’ and insisted that I said things like ‘space-action’ and ‘space-cut’ while shooting, I just thought this is what he was doing to get into his character’s head. I realize now that there was no character there, and I’m not sure what’s going on in his head. Did he think the crew was flying to Mars every morning?”

When asked about the situation, Damon firmly asserted that his postulation was accurate.

“I mean, you’ve seen the footage, right?” the increasingly agitated thespian asked gathered reporters. “I can’t believe you’d talk to an honest to goodness cosmonaut, the first among us to walk on The Red Planet, with such mockery, such disdain. Would you talk this way to Buzz Aldrin or Darth Vader if they were standing in front of you?”

When asked how he explained the presence of a popular feature film with a plot that involved him being stranded on a foreign planet, Damon responded, “I’m sorry, but what does Interstellar have to do with any of this?”

DLC Unlocks Expansive New Region of Chores

Posted on January 13, 2022 by Andy Holt

MONTREAL — Reviews have been favorable for the paid expansions to Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla, with gamers praising the vast, colorful new landscapes, dense with chores.

“I was so pumped when I heard about Wrath of the Druids. I’ve always been fascinated with Celtic warriors — specifically the kinds of rote tasks they did, over and over, to gather materials so they could get new weapons and armor they weren’t going to use anyway,” wrote Metacritic user Teresa Serrano, who gave the expansion a 10 rating. “Finally, I get to experience that relentless grind for myself. It’s like stepping into a history book.”

Gamers also praised the DLC for new gameplay features, which added exciting ways to pick up identical fetch quests in endless repetition.

“When I found out I’d be able to unlock a trade post by clearing a camp of enemies and retrieving an item, Wrath of the Druids was an immediate buy for me. It’s a whole new way to play the game,” said local gamer Kris Goodwin, rubber-banding his controller to keep the resource timer running overnight. “That’s to say nothing of the pigeon coops, which let me earn resources by clearing out camps of enemies and retrieving items. That was a huge surprise. I’m sure Siege of Paris has even more twists in store—I just need to unlock every single item and collect every single resource in Ireland before I move on.”

However, there was slight criticism of Siege of Paris for being too confusing, particularly with respect to the Rebel Missions feature.

“I can appreciate that Ubisoft wanted to get ambitious with Siege of Paris, and I applaud them for that. But I think the Rebel Missions are too much change all at once,” said YouTube personality Vinny Henson in his video review. “Having to pick up new quests, follow the marker to the enemy, kill them, then leave the area—it’s just way too complex.”

Expectations remained high for the Dawn of Ragnarök DLC in March 2022, in which players will venture to the mythical dwarven realm of Svartalfheim to do chores.

BREAKING: Flamethrower Guy Has Thing on His Back You Can Shoot

Posted on January 12, 2022 by Naomi Krause

JUST OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL — Reconnaissance from the makeshift battlefield has confirmed that the guy with the huge flamethrower just wrecking all of us right now has some big glowing spot on its back.

“Yeah Sarge, it’s big and glowing and pulsating, and when he saw me notice it he pointed that flame thrower right at me,” said Gunner, the surprisingly witty mercenary in your squad with the scar across his face. “I think if we send a unit out to flank him from behind, we have a real shot at this. Or hell, just send one dude over there. That’ll probably be fine.”

This isn’t the first time that a seemingly unwinnable fight has been swayed at the last moment by a keen insight in the middle of a fiery battle.

“Oh yeah, I remember when we were pinned back pretty bad, getting lit up by enemy fire,” said Kyden, the surprisingly witty sniper on your team with the midriff cut off of her fatigues. “Then suddenly Sarge remembers that he had a bunch of rations and eats like four Baby Ruth bars and ran out there with a gun in each hand just cold smokin’ everyone in sight. When I asked him why eating food made him crazy like that he said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about and asked where all these dead bodies came from. War is hell, man.”

Though unconfirmed, it is generally agreed upon within the unit that the glowing red spot on the flamethrower guy’s back will most likely blow him all to shit if fired upon, or at the very least, make him reconsider his evil ways.

“Look, I’ll sneak over there, and shoot a rocket into the bastard,” said Rat, the surprisingly witty munitions expert on your squad. “Then he’ll either blow up to all hell or like, turn back into a human and give some weepy speech before the real bad guy comes and shoots him or something. You watch. You just watch this shit.”

As of press time, the mission to rupture the glowing red spot was a success, and now the entire flamethrower guy was flashing red, forcing the squadron to generally panic and begin to frantically discuss a new plan.

Gamer Who Just Bought ‘Pokémon Shining Pearl’ Suddenly Really Concerned About Going Outside During Omicron

Posted on January 11, 2022 by Andy Holt

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — In the weeks since buying Pokémon Shining Pearl for the Nintendo Switch, local gamer Calvin Palmer has expressed increasing concern about leaving his apartment due to the Omicron variant.

“Yeah, with things how they are with the Omega (sic), it’s out of control, man. So I’m just staying right here at home,” said Palmer during an extremely rare break from Shining Pearl. “I haven’t even taken out the garbage this week. Too dangerous.”

In addition to limiting his movement between his couch and bed, Palmer has taken additional precautions to keep himself safe from the virus.

“I’ve also been eating frozen food instead of going to the store, and I’m sleeping in six-hour shifts so I don’t miss any breaking news about COVID,” Palmer said, claiming the six-hour timer on Munchlax spawns in Honey Trees was a “total coincidence.”

Sources close to Palmer were surprised at his sudden change in attitude toward COVID.

“I haven’t seen Calvin since we exchanged gifts before Christmas,” said close friend Alice Ramos, who gave him a gift card for the Nintendo eShop. “He didn’t seem especially anxious back then, but now he won’t even answer texts because he’s ‘worried about getting COVID over the phone.’ I didn’t even know that was possible.”

At press time, Palmer announced that six hours of sleep was too much, and that he would instead stay awake until he “catches a goddamn Feebas.”

First Edition Card Has Seen Some Shit

Posted on January 11, 2022 by Naomi Krause

SAN FRANCISCO — A rare, first edition printing of the Magic: the Gathering card Time Walk recently posted on eBay has quite clearly seen some pretty horrifying shit since it was printed in 1994, sources have confirmed.

“Oh my god, look at that poor bastard,” said Michelle Baker, while viewing the online auction page. “It’s labeled as used, so it’s not that they’re lying or anything, but just, wow. ‘Used’ doesn’t really seem to do justice to what it looks like this card has been through. There’s a cigarette burn in the top corner and what appear to be bloodstains on most of the backside of it. Good thing this card is banned anyway, ‘cause I don’t think you can bring bloody cards into tournament play. Definitely not during COVID.”

The description of the item on the post confirmed that it had, in fact, seen some seriously gnarly stuff over its 27 years on Earth.

“This card was in my back pocket my entire senior year of high school, kind of a good luck charm,” read the post. “But the downside of its good luck is that now there’s about a year’s worth of butt sweat permanently caked into the card itself. It kind of smells like if you dropped a bag of food garbage in a sauna and forgot about it.”

“Free turn after this one, though,” the post continued. “Tough to beat that.”

Experts say that most first edition cards have seen horrors beyond most of our wildest imaginations.

“Not only were these cards in incredibly high demand as the popularity of Magic soared through the ‘90s,” said Raul Ramirez, a local comic book shop owner that also buys and sells Magic cards. “But because we had no idea how valuable a lot of these cards would become, dudes were straight grappling them with unwashed hands and shuffling them with their dirty, sweaty, Cool Ranch fingers. If this card could talk, it would most certainly plead with someone to kill it.”

“Seriously, though. Free turn after this one,” he added. “Tough to beat that.”

As of press time, the winner of the eBay auction had not received the card in the mail, as it was mistakenly believed to be a chemical weapon by the United States Postal Service.

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