Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Vulpix Evolved to Gastly After Using Wrong Stone

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Peter Casciato

PALLET TOWN — Local Pokémon trainer CJ Baker has shaken the Pokémon world by using a regular-type stone to evolve a Vulpix into a Gastly, striking the Pokémon in the head over and over with it.

“While it’s long been theorized that Ghost Types originate from the spirits of deceased Pokémon, no one was asking him to research this,” said a visibly distraught Professor Oak. “Jesus, this isn’t what I meant at all when I told him to collect them all. You can just find those in like a cave or something.”

“There are moral limits to what lengths we should go to for our research. I mean we’re not Nazi Pokémon scientists here,” Oak added. “God damn!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Baker’s childhood friend and rival DONGFACE was disgusted by the blatant disregard for Pokémon welfare shown by Baker.

“When you capture a Pokemon in the wild, entrap it in a small cage, and force it to fight for your entertainment, you take on certain responsibilities,” explained DONGFACE. “You can light it on fire, electrocute it, drown it, poison it, or even put it to sleep and show it nightmares beyond comprehension, but you can’t kill it. That’s Pokemon cruelty, and that’s not what training is about.”

Baker, however, has been quick to defend himself, noting that his party was “full of total Taurus crap normal-types” and Sabrina’s gym is “really really hard.”

“Psychic-types are totally OP, and none of my Vulpix’s moves were effective against them,” Baker said. “I needed a ghost-type fast, and the Pokemon Tower gives me the creeps. Plus, my Vulpix had a Rash personality type, so it’s not like killing it was any big loss. I don’t know why more players don’t evolve their Pokemon this way. A Fire Stone costs 2100, while you can find a big sharp rock along most roads for free.”

At press time, Baker also discovered another way to evolve a Geodude into a Graveler by pelting it with rocks while trying to create a second Gastly for himself.

Easter Egg: Players Have Finally Located the Missing Colon From ‘Horizon Zero Dawn’

Posted on November 4, 2022 by Andy Holt

AMSTERDAM — Video game developer Guerilla Games confirmed that Horizon Zero Dawn players have finally located the last undiscovered Easter Egg: the colon that’s obviously supposed to be in the title of the game.

“When we left out the colon for no good reason, we figured players would know it was intentional and go looking for the punctuation mark in the game. Instead, they seemed to have just accepted it this whole time, even though it makes no sense,” said Hermen Hulst, co-founder of Guerilla Games. “I mean, seriously. Horizon Zero Dawn? What would that even mean?”

The hidden punctuation mark first appeared on the r/horizon subreddit, where gamer Jennifer Olsen posted a screenshot of the colon nested between two rocks in the landscape.

“You all called me crazy, but I knew it was out there. You don’t spend over $40 million developing a game and then forget to proofread the title. Now I have proof,” wrote Olsen, who combed every single pixel of the game over the past 5 years. “I don’t want to ruin the experience for anyone else, so I won’t reveal exactly where it’s hidden. Happy hunting, gamers.”

In honor of her discovery, Guerilla Games created a special edition of Horizon Zero Dawn specifically for Olsen, with the colon removed from the open world and inserted into its rightful place in the title.

“It’s a nice gesture from Guerilla, but the main thing is that I can finally sleep at night. Whew, look at that colon,” Olsen said, showing off the cover framed on her wall, with Horizon: Zero Dawn written prominently across the top. “It was really bothering me.”

Guerilla would neither confirm nor deny that missing colons are also hidden in other games, like Killzone Shadow Fall and Horizon Forbidden West.

“There’s one in Killzone: Liberation, we’ll tell you that much,” Hulst confirmed. “Hint: it’s where you least expect it.”

Kevin Feige Ceremoniously Presents Baby Who Will One Day Direct Avengers 12 to Thunderous Applause

Posted on November 4, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — At a recent convention, president of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige ceremoniously hoisted a baby above his head and proclaimed that the infant would one day grow up to direct the 12th installment of the Avengers films, earning rapturous applause from gathered fans.

“Oh my god, he’s beautiful,” said Wesley Hudson, an attendee of this morning’s event . “I am so glad that someone like Kevin is watching out for all of our collective entertainment future. To think that we used to go entire years without a Marvel movie coming out… well, it was a cold world and I don’t want to go back to it. I’m not exactly sure how he can tell that baby will grow up to be a visionary director, but I totally trust him. Phase 14 is honestly sounding pretty dope so far.”

“Did you see that? He looked at me,” he added, gesturing wildly towards the young auteur. “He looked right at me!”

Feige presented the visionary infant at the end of a much anticipated speech that saw him outlining the future of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

“We think in 2047 people are going to be pretty excited to see who makes this squad of the Avengers, especially following the events of that summer’s Spider Man: Come On Spider-Man, Let’s Go Home,” he said. “And little Mason here really had some interesting ideas for the characters when we let him play with a bunch of the action figures. He was doing things none of us had ever dreamed of, very exciting stuff. Mason is really a wonderful kid and I truly think the MCU is just getting started!”

The presentation hit a snag when the young director abruptly began shouting and weeping, prompting Marvel executives to escort him off of the stage.

“What can you say, artists are passionate people,” said Jeremy Renner, who’s played Hawkeye in several of the Avengers movies, stepping in to finish the presentation. “I like to see that kind of emotion from a director, it tells me they’re going to be committed to the project. It also tells me I should probably double check my contract and see how long they’ve got me locked down for. You’ve got to be careful. They’ll fuck ya. I bet this baby signed a really bad deal.”

As of press time, it was confirmed that Mason was Mark Ruffalo’s kid.

CoD Modern Warfare 2 (2022): How to Level Up Guns Faster

Posted on November 4, 2022 by Richard Tammaro

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 has launched with a load of different weapons, attachments, and camos to unlock. This year’s edition has also seen an overhaul of the gun leveling system with attachments being shared across weapons, but also requiring players to level up multiple weapons to unlock every attachment they want. With gun levels being more important than ever let’s look at how to level up guns faster in CoD Modern Warfare 2.

How to Unlock Weapons and Attachments in COD Modern Warfare 2

In previous iterations unlocking weapons and attachments was straightforward, but tedious. Players would need to rack up level XP to unlock weapons and weapon XP to unlock attachments per weapon. In an attempt to cut down on the tedium of unlocking the same attachment for multiple guns, by grinding multiple guns, COD Modern Warfare 2 has introduced a new weapon leveling system.

Players will still need to earn level XP to unlock most guns; however, some are unlocked through the new platform system. Essentially, earning weapon XP with certain guns will unlock other guns in the same “family”. This platform system is also introduced to weapon attachments. Now, instead of unlocking weapon attachments per gun, these are unlocked per platform. An example would be leveling the M4. With this gun leveled up a bit, players will only unlock the Echoline GS-X muzzle, all other muzzle attachments are unlocked by leveling the other guns on this platform, but the Echoline GS-X muzzle will also be unlocked for every other gun on the platform once unlocked for the M4.

Call of Duty MW2: Level Up Guns Faster By Setting Up Multiple Custom Loadouts

With the intertwined unlock paths for guns and attachments, players should focus on leveling multiple guns at a time. By utilizing loadout slots and the unlock platforms, you can set up multiple classes to cycle through, while working toward the same goal. This is especially useful when considering the different maps you can play on. Taraq is a larger more open map that lends itself to longer range weapons, while shotguns and SMGs are better on Al Bagra Fortress or Embassy.

Utilize Weapon XP Tokens to Level Up Guns Faster in CoD: MW2

These XP tokens double the XP gained for your weapon while active and usually last between 30 minutes and 1 hour. It is important to note that the time winds down in real time and not just when you are in a match. So be sure to pop these at the beginning of a long gaming session, rather than at the end.

As there aren’t many to unlock at launch, chances are you probably don’t have many or even any weapon XP tokens. If you pre-ordered Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 you should have received some double weapon XP tokens. Additionally, more can be unlocked by completing various campaign missions and grinding Spec-Ops missions. It is expected, like previous COD Battle Passes, that MW2 Season One’s Battle Pass will include plenty of XP tokens to earn, but for now those are the only ways to unlock XP tokens.

Play Specific Game Modes to Level Up Guns Faster in CoD Modern Warfare 2

It is important to note that gun XP is gained not only for using the weapon to get kills and assists, but also for capturing objectives or using vehicles while the weapon is equipped. With that in mind, you should focus on playing game modes that don’t only rely on gaining kills to win or have some kind of feature that earns XP quickly.

Ground War

Ground War is a 32 v 32 Domination-type game mode. Both teams will fight over five control points and the first to reach 250 points wins. You can rack up massive amounts of XP by killing enemies (especially near objectives), capturing, holding, and defending points. Vehicles can also be used to gain XP toward the weapons you have equipped.

Ground War: Invasion

Ground War: Invasion is a bit different. There are no capture points, but instead it is a 20 v 20 Team Deathmatch-type game mode that ends at 1500 points. The feature that makes this an easy to grind game mode is that in addition to the 20 real players on each team an extra 20 AI-controlled bots also spawn per team. This means a bunch of cannon fodder AI enemies you can mow down for easy XP. Combining this game mode with a double weapon XP token can see players fully upgrade a gun in one good performance. Vehicles can be used in this game mode just like Standard Ground War.

Kill Confirmed

Kill Confirmed is a popular returning game mode in which dead players leave behind dog tags. These dog tags can be collected by the opposing team for additional points, or recovered by teammates to deny the additional points. The fun thing about grinding in Kill Confirmed is that a player can still rack up gun XP by collecting dog tags without getting kills. This can be especially useful if there is a gun you are struggling to level up or if you just have a hard time getting loads of kills. An added trick is to focus on getting kills with your primary gun and switching to your secondary when collecting tags, working on both guns at the same time.

Search and Destroy

This is my go-to game mode; however, it can be a double-edged sword. This game mode is round based and features no respawns. Due to the slower and more tense nature of the no-respawn mode, XP earning events award more XP per action than most other game modes. This means for a really good SnD player, someone gaining 15+ kills per game, the gun XP will be flowing. But for the majority of others, players gaining under double digits in kills, the grind can be much slower than it would be playing the other modes mentioned above. Gauge your skill level and choose wisely when deciding what game mode you want to grind.

Utilize the Hardline Perk and Killstreaks

Hardline is a returning perk that decreases the cost of unlocking Killstreaks to use in matches. This is helpful in gaining more killstreaks per match faster. Killstreaks like UAVs, Counter UAVs, and VTOL Jets will gain passive XP for you as enemies, who are marked by them, are killed by your teammates. Additionally, you can gain stronger Killstreaks faster, like the Juggernaut or Chopper Gunner to cut down the enemy team earning loads of XP along the way.

Six Dead After Jerma Lets Twitch Vote on When He Can Use His Brakes

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Camden Brazile

BOSTON — YouTube and Twitch personality Jeremy Elbertson, known better by his alias Jerma985, was arrested by the Boston Police Department last night after killing six people during a surreal, avant-garde stream in which he let chat users vote when his car is allowed to stop.

“Welcome everybody to another wacky stream! Today instead of playing Breath of the Wild, I’m going to fly down the interstate at 90 miles per hour and test my luck,” Jerma began at the top of the stream. “You, Twitch chat, can vote on when I can brake, donations make me increase my speed, and any Prime subscriptions mean I’ll veer into oncoming traffic for a few seconds. If I survive, I’ll probably just finish off the stream with some Gang Beasts or something.”

The Boston Police Department claimed they tuned into the stream to better catch the infamous Twitch creator.

“We apprehended Mr. Elbertson near Fifth and Turner last night after forcing his vehicle off the road,” said BPD spokesperson David Pryce. “Thanks to his livestream, we were able to track his location in real time, and enough officers subscribed and voted for Jerma to stop his car and surrender himself over to the authorities.”

Jerma’s fanbase was appreciative of the Elbertson’s level of commitment to his high-concept livestreams

“It’s cool to see a streamer care so much about engaging his chat like this,” said Twitch Moderator Kevin Foxx. “Most people can barely interact with questions in chat, let alone give chat the opportunity to play God, so it was a nice change of pace. Jerma’s production value was also next level, as usual. He bought a giant SUV just for this stream, to ensure any hit pedestrians didn’t survive if the chat didn’t want them to. He also is so focused and concentrated as a streamer! Every time someone died, he stared forward at the road with mirthless indifference, awaiting the next command by chat without pausing to think about the consequences. What a great stream.

At press time, law experts claimed they did not like Jerma’s chances for release after Twitch chat voted to elect fellow streamer STAR_ as his legal council.

Professional Tic-Tac-Toe Scene Rocked After Cheating Scandal Exposed

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Patrick Sullivan

NEW YORK — The professional Tic-Tac-Toe circuit was stunned this weekend following the reveal that Matty ‘Tic-Tac’ Taylor used an illegal line addition to win the 2022 Triple Circle tournament, and may have cheated in previous competitions as well.

“This is just absolutely disgraceful,” said Chad ‘Cats Game’ Comstock, runner-up to this year’s Triple Circle and longtime rival to Taylor. “You have all of these class-act athletes here like Ex Oh Ex, Noughty Cross, Tic-Tac-Attack, Circle Smasher, Jeff, and then Tic-Tac-Taylor comes in and makes a mockery of this sport. In my 30 years of playing I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Taylor allegedly broke the rules by adding a single parallel line along the right boundary of the playing field, allowing him to add an extra ‘O’ to his existing pieces on the board. This extra line would be a direct violation of the Tic-Tac-Toe bylaws, specifically Chapter 12, §33.167, Rule 83: “No additional borders shall be added to the playing field outside of the already existing double vertical and double horizontal lines.”

“These rules are in place for a reason, and that reason is that we give our players a fair game and our audience a good show,” said Bob Bakerson, chairman of the board for the World TTT Federation. “Following this investigation, Tic-Tac-Taylor will have to stand trial in accordance with Tic-Tac-Toe law, and if found guilty his bones will be used for the 2023 Triple Circle, as is tradition.”

The Triple Circle, the longest-running Tic-Tac-Toe competition has been held since 1858, with this year’s prize exceeding $750,000 cash. Taylor has declined comment so far, but did put out a public statement regarding the allegations.

“I’ve just played Tic-Tac-Toe the way I was always taught to: from the heart. It’s not my fault I’m better than everyone else. The Tic-Tac-Toe speaks for itself,,” said Taylor in a heartfelt statement published yesterday. “I’ve never cheated a day in my life, and even if I did, you can kiss my ass and pry this money from my cold, dead, Tic-Tac-Toeing hands.”

Since entering the scene in 2014, Taylor has racked up multiple world championships and $400 million in prize money and sponsorships. It’s unknown at this time whether he will compete in this year’s world championship Tic-Tac-Tourney in Monaco for the Golden Cross and the $20 million cash prize.

College Freshman Who Thinks He’s Killing It in Class Has No Idea All His Classmates Are Bots

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Hunter R. Thompson

ATHENS, Ga. — A local college freshman has reportedly not yet realized that his high placement in his remote learning class rankings despite his C+ average is the result of the fact that he has spent the entire semester getting matched with AI-controlled classmates.

“Hey, I don’t wanna get sappy, but these weeks of Film Criticism 301 with you guys have been some of the best in my life,” Franklin University student Shane Zhou typed into in an otherwise-empty study group chat last week. “The way you all make grades of 75 to 85 exactly on every single assignment, the way you all congratulate me during seminars with a simultaneous chorus of ‘Nice answer!’ or ‘What a pass!’ every time I raise my hand during lectures… I can’t wait to meet you all one day when you finally turn your cameras on.”

Zhou reportedly continued reminiscing about memorable class experiences, such as a group project he completed with two other classmates named StudiousErnesto018 and AcademicLeanne030 which narrowly received the class’s highest grade in a tense finish.

“I thought our mock debate was going awful, but just as it seemed like we would never keep pace, the other group just… started talking really slowly? And didn’t start going again until we’d caught up?” Zhou recalled, furrowing his brow after walking through the more telltale details of his bot-populated student body. “It was all worth it to hear everyone in class say ‘gg’ in charmingly idiosyncratic typing styles, though.”

Now more than ever, colleges are sneakily pitting students against bot classmates to ease them into the university experience, which might prove too daunting if they were matched with four-year veterans.

“Underleveled students from casual high schools will have a much better time if their first few classes are in a controlled setting like this,” said Heidi Derwald, a senior college admissions advisor at Franklin University. “Feeling like you’re King Shit for the first handful of weeks is important for building attachment, and once you outgrow the bots, you’ll care too much about getting good to be upset about it. That’s the perfect time to introduce tuition hikes, too.”

As of press time, Zhou’s academic advisor was recommending that he purchase the Study Pass to be able to accumulate U-Bucks for unlocking rare classes in the coming semesters.

Plucky Squire Becomes Insufferable After Jumping Into Infinite Jest

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BEDROOM — Jot, also known as The Plucky Squire, a boy from a picture book who has the ability to jump into various 2D and 3D environments like drawings and mugs, has reportedly become insufferable after jumping into the book ‘Infinite Jest’ by David Foster Wallace, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I thought Jot was really cool when I met him. He was really well-traveled and had a lot of interesting perspectives. But ever since he jumped into ‘Infinite Jest’ and traveled through its story, battling its various characters and pretending to understand its various plots, he has been a real dick,” said a local Chess rook living on the bedroom desk where Jot jumped out of a picture book and began his three-dimensional adventure.

“He just keeps rolling his eyes every time he tries to explain something to me now, like he’s better than me. You’re not better than me just because you jumped into the story of ‘Infinite Jest!’ Stop rolling your black-lines-for-eyes at me!” the rook continued. “I’m not stupid just because I can’t jump into David Foster Wallace novels. I’m a pretty smart guy. I’m from Chess, ever heard of it? One of the oldest games, by the way. Show a little respect.”

Despite allegations, Jot, the Plucky Squire, has defended his change in perspective following his adventures within ‘Infinite Jest.’

“People just don’t get it. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone. Smarter maybe, sure, but intelligence is a poor qualifier for comparisons between people anyway. Not that I expect some Chess piece to understand that,” said Jot. “What people don’t get is that ‘Infinite Jest’ is actually about society and the way it functions. And as someone who has the ability to adventure through various 2D and 3D realms, jetpacking across a desk or punching out monsters in a game, I have a better understanding of society than anyone in this bedroom.”

Maybe if certain rooks didn’t live on a simple grid, looking at everything in black and white, they’d understand that,” Jot added. “But they can’t, can they?”

At press time, various members of Jot’s friend group had reportedly dropped him as a friend after the Plucky Squire jumped into a print-out of some Reddit threads.

Don’t worry, the concept of a character jumping into Infinite Jest and living out its story is purely satirical, but that doesn’t mean the idea behind a Plucky Squire has to be! That’s right: this is sponsored by Devolver Digital! You should absolutely wishlist The Plucky Squire on Steam because it looks super inventive and fun. Not insufferable at all, really!

EA Scientists Announce Groundbreaking Discovery of Nanotransactions

Posted on November 2, 2022 by John Danek

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Behemoth video game company Electronic Arts has announced a new technology to extract a constant, tiny influx of money from gamers in exchange for an improved gaming experience.

“Gaming changed when developers learned how to leech money from gamers after the initial purchase of a game. We at EA have found a way to take things even further: nanotransactions,” explained EA’s Head of R&D Jeff Kinsey. “Gamers simply link their workplace’s direct deposit through us, and we take a few cents per paycheck, forever. It’s such a small amount, they could almost forget we’re even doing it—in fact, that’s exactly what we’re counting on.”

EA also announced that nanotransactions would come with a more limited set of benefits.

“In return for the payments, we’re developing a way to give gamers even less than we already do. In fact, they will have to register for nanotransactions just to make the gaming experience tolerable,” said Kinsey, triggering a massive spike in the stock price for Electronic Arts. “Want Dead Space to run at the full 120fps on your PS5? Give us that routing and account number, bitch.”

The gaming community expressed hesitation at the prospect of being asked even more frequently to pay for in-game services.

“We’re being nickel-and-dimed left and right, but what’s the alternative? I just want to play FIFA after work,” sighed lifelong gamer Phoebe Jackson. “So I caved and granted EA full access to my 401(k), which is considered a valid payment scheme for nanotransactions. They take money out each month, I get hit with a 10% penalty, and now NHL 23’s soundtrack isn’t limited to just Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog’ on repeat. I’m never going to own a home.”

Immediately after the announcement, every single indie game was listed at 95% off on Steam.

This Podcast Brought to You by Having Rich Parents

Posted on November 2, 2022 by Doug Kolic

CHICAGO – Local podcaster Henry Weber has unveiled an exciting new sponsorship deal with a couple of wealthy entrepreneurs who also happen to be his parents, unsurprised listeners have confirmed.

“Our humble podcast is stoked to announce that effective immediately we will be brought to you by Todd and Stacey Weber, the makers of me, Henry Weber,” stated Weber from his new high-end studio within the brownstone which his parents also purchased and furnished for him. “The economics of podcasting can be tricky business, but after some intense negotiations regarding how often I come home for a visit, we’re happy to announce that my parents will be our main and only sponsors, which also makes good logistical sense since they already come over once a week to do my laundry and to drop off food.”

Weber’s mom explained how the partnership with their almost 30-year-old son was “on-brand” for them.

“He’s always asking for money anyway, so we just figured we’d ‘sponsor’ him as a way to make him feel all grown up instead of just e-Transferring him cash all the time,” said Stacey Weber, while shouldering a bag full of expensive clothing belonging to her son to haul to the laundromat. “Plus, the way we structured the deal, his company is technically considered a charity, so his dad and I can just write it off. Don’t tell him though, it’s cute to see him walk around like a big boy pretending to run his own business.”

New media analyst Ruby Lee explained how many wealthy parents are supporting their children’s podcasting aspirations in order to keep them from being officially considered unemployed.

“Ever since podcasting has become a legitimate business interest, well-to-do parents see it as an opportunity to give their normally unproductive kids a purpose in life,” Lee explained. “You see, rich kids can easily get into serious trouble because many of them have never really had to work a day in their lives. Parents who actually find out that their directionless children have somehow found a positive creative outlet that doesn’t involve drunk-crashing their new Lamborghini for the third time are more than happy to support a true crime or comedy podcast here and there. It’s like subscribing to the New York Times for them.”

At press time, Weber abruptly announced a change of plans that he would be selling his podcast to his parents in a six-figure deal in order to backpack around the world for a few years or until his money runs out.