NBA2K23 Update Lets You Feed Cash Right Into Your Console

NOVATO, Calif. — A new update to 2K Games’ annual NBA2K franchise has introduced a remarkable new feature that will give your XBox X/S or PlayStation 5 the ability to accept cash for the game’s Virtual Currency, sources have confirmed. 

“We think this is a feature the fans have wanted for a long time,” said David Ismailer, president of 2K Games. “Instead of using you or your parent’s debit or credit card to purchase enough VC to actually compete online or even just get a new pair of pants for your create-a-character, now you can simply feed cash right into the disc drive, and we’ll take care of the rest. Finally, the player’s prayers have been answered!” 

Ismailer refused to further elaborate on the logistics of the process, insisting that many secretive patents were involved with the revolutionary cash-handling technology. Fans were excited to hear of the update that turned their console into a functioning acceptor of legal tender. 

“This is great,” said Tyler Malone, a local NBA2K player. “The career and MyEras modes are a blast, but I really like the shopping component in the game, and especially the way they’ve combined everything into one big Virtual Currency. It’s so convenient that now I can just feed cash directly into my XBox. Hopefully soon there will be a way I can just dump my spare change in there too. Maybe get my direct deposit sent right to 2K games or something. That’d be dope as hell.” 

Many in the gaming media also applauded 2K’s leap forward in taking-your-money innovation. 

“NBA2K has once again shown its absolute devotion to fans by making it even easier to pay them some money at every opportunity,” said James Rourke, a gaming journalist for Forbes. “You have to admire a company that could release something as revolutionary as this year’s MyEras mode, which is a lifelong basketball fan’s dream game, but still do everything in their power to make sure you spend just as much time simulating the last four decades of NBA history as you do skateboarding to the Adidas store to buy some new socks.” 

“Groundbreaking shit,” he added. 

As of press time, 2K Games announced they were working on an update that would let you pawn your real life valuables for its Virtual Currency. 

MultiVersus Black Adam Guide: Best Moves, Teammates & Perks

Black Adam, the latest Bruiser added to MultiVersus is a DC villain-turned-antihero who channels the power of the ancient Egyptian gods to shoot lightning and sometimes perform the People’s Elbow.  Bruisers are usually balanced fighters with decent attack and defense. Black Adam certainly has both of these: he’s heavy, has incredible recovery, and can hit extremely hard. However, he’s an “Expert” character. His restricting weakness is his speed – a misplaced move from Black Adam is easily punished, and several of his moves take extra aim to connect. If you want to roll with the King of Kahndaq, you need to be ready. Here’s our MultiVersus Black Adam guide.

MultiVersus Black Adam Guide – Basic Attacks

black adam shockwave attack

For the first part of the MultiVersus Black Adam guide, I’ll describe his basic attacks. Most of them are slow, powerful strikes, but some have unusual special properties.

  • Neutral Ground Attack: A melee lighting blast straight out of Injustice. Like many neutral attacks, this is a slow, powerful hit. Unlike many neutral attacks, it’s not armored and not chargeable. “Not chargeable” meaning, it can’t be released early. Pressing that button locks you into a very long windup. Use sparingly to avoid being punished… but know that its range extends farther than its animation. It kills easily, and also applies a damaging Shocked debuff.
  • Side Ground Attack: A three-hit string. The second hit knocks the enemy upward slightly, and the third is an upward-angled grab that flings his victims behind him. The third hit often misses, so this isn’t much of a combo by itself, but you can substitute the grab or the second hit for other attacks to create different strings. Side > Side > Up will catch enemies trying to dodge through you, and Side > Side > Neutral Special will connect reliably, especially angled upward. The grab is also worth trying; it can kill at high damage, and throws the enemy at a low angle. If Adam’s back is to the ledge, landing the throw will reverse his fortunes in an instant.
  • Up Ground Attack: A multi-hit electric attack, arcing above his hands like Spongebob’s imagination rainbow. It’s not great against enemies in front since it mostly hits above him, but it can trap enemies trying to move past him. It also has a special bonus: once the attack ends, a bolt of lightning drops from above! The bolt is subject to cooldown, but it offers a wide range of benefits. It can hit enemies near the top of the screen, it can end a combo with a powerful final strike, and if it doesn’t hit an enemy it gives Black Adam the Electrified buff for bonus damage.
  • Down Ground Attack: Black Adam punches the ground, causing a small shockwave. More importantly, it triggers an electric attack beneath the feet of every standing enemy, anywhere on-screen. It can target two enemies at once, and even emerge from the sides to hit wall-clingers! Using this effect takes ammo, but it’s a quick recharge. Throw this out from time to time to keep your enemies afraid. Charging it speeds up the attack and boosts its damage, making it much harder to avoid if the enemy isn’t watching you.
  • Neutral Air Attack: The Clap! Black Adam claps his hands together, causing a large shockwave. It’s a lot like his neutral ground attack: a powerful, slow area hit. The Clap isn’t as strong, but it hits a wide area and is more maneuverable. With proper timing, this is a great way to punish offstage enemies or control space in neutral.
  • Side Air Attack: A two-hit series of punches. Unusual for a forward air, this one ends in an uppercut with strong knockback. Intercepting an aerial enemy with the two hits will often kill off the top of the screen. It’s possible to juggle enemies into the uppercut from several attacks – get creative and see what you can string together.
  • Up Air Attack: The same arc as his up ground attack, but without the extra lightning bolt: it doesn’t affect its cooldown either. It’s a lot easier to hit enemies in the air, and makes a decent way to push enemies off the top. It stalls Black Adam in the air a little, which makes him a bit vulnerable but also lets the hitbox linger. Set up and let the enemy fall right into you.
  • Down Air Attack: A big sweeping roundhouse kick below him. This is Black Adam’s go-to option for punishing enemies below him, and charging it up during your jump lets it hit even harder. It even has a sweetspot at the end of the attack, so it can hit extra hard if you aim just right. His flight ability allows him to chase offstage enemies at little risk to himself, so make sure to hit ’em while they’re down.

MultiVersus Black Adam Guide – Special Attacks

black adam special attacks

Black Adam’s special attacks are more creative uses of electric force. Several of them have multiple different possible effects.

  • Neutral Ground Special: A forward beam of Palpatine-style lightning. If it hits an enemy, they get stunned and thrown upward. The beam also extends to other nearby enemies and projectiles. Charging this and firing it into a fight can freeze the entire enemy team. It doesn’t travel far uncharged, but the quick fire version can sometimes end a combo. It can angle up or down as well, and the upward-angled version slams enemies down instead of launching them up, which can easily chain into his upward ground attack. The beam also reflects off your allies, buffing them while extending the attack’s range. This is an extremely powerful special, but Black Adam stands perfectly still the entire time it’s active. Taking its lengthy cooldown into account as well, this is especially painful if you miss.
  • Neutral Air Special: Black Adam magnetically attracts nearby enemy projectiles towards himself. That sounds like a bad idea, but it also slows them down, making them easy enough to evade afterward. This cooldown move is a decent way to disrupt an enemy’s projectile game. It’s also possible to attack the magnetized projectiles to reflect them, but that’ll be easier for a faster ally of yours.
  • Side Special: Black Adam flies forward, dropping a ball of electricity behind him. Once he’s finished flying, the ball hurries after him. It doesn’t do anything to Black Adam if it hits him, but if he jumps over it, it continues traveling in a wide arc all the way off the screen. Angling the path of the ball correctly can send it into faraway enemies, potentially knocking them off the top. This is also a solid defensive move if Black Adam’s in a bad position. It’s a quick rush that leaves a trap for pursuers. It combos easily if you dash through the enemy, placing them directly in the path of the electric ball. The move isn’t a dodge, though, so be wary of using it while the enemy is attacking. It also takes ammo to fire the ball, so watch those cooldowns.
  • Up Special: Free flight for about one and a half seconds. This might be the best recovery move in the game. It has no cooldown, and since players get two air specials, it can be used twice without needing to land. Besides letting Black Adam easily recover, this also lets him safely pursue enemies all over the screen. Chasing targets above you is child’s play, and can surprise enemies who think they’re safely out of range.
  • Down Ground Special: A big bubble shield that stays in place. It blocks enemy projectiles, so it’s best set up while the enemy is far away. Use it to cancel out enemy zoners and strike back with a downward ground attack. It also has a few extra properties that can come in handy. Its activation pushes the enemy back slightly, so it can disrupt offstage enemies. It also reflects the lighting ball from his side special, turning it into a forward-firing projectile. Lastly, it kills Jerry the mouse for some reason.
  • Down Air Special: Black Adam hovers and fires two electric shots at a downward angle. Their range isn’t great, but this projectile doesn’t take ammo, making it a low-commitment way to harass enemies below him. The shots knock the enemy upward slightly on hit, so they can easily chain into Black Adam’s powerful air attacks.

Best Perks and Teammates For Black Adam

black adam perks

For the last section of the MultiVersus Black Adam guide, I’ll go over his perks. He has two Signature Perks, each one emphasizing a different playstyle.

  • Circuit Breaker, earned at level 8, lets Black Adam do a little extra damage to Shocked enemies. It’s a straightforward damage increase that works most consistently, but be aware that not many of Black Adam’s attacks actually apply Shocked. Pick this to do the most damage close up.
  • The Hierarchy of Power, earned at 10, changes his up ground attack so that the extra lightning bolt hits his ally instead of him. This can help allies fight off close enemies, or buff them with Electrified if no enemy’s around. It also has the best name. This complements a Black Adam who focuses on ranged combat with down attack and side special, and lets his ally focus on the hand-to-hand.

Black Adam has two main paths for his secondary perks: cooldown reduction or defense. Since Black Adam has so many cooldowns (six different moves!), cooldown reduction should be a priority. His earliest perk, I’ll Take That, fits nicely. It refreshes some cooldown when you hit a Shocked enemy. But remember, only a couple of your attacks actually cause Shock. Coffeezilla‘s flat cooldown reduction is a lot more reliable, as is the dodge bonus from I Dodge You Dodge We Dodge.

Since Black Adam has no natural armor, defensive bonuses are a little extra important. Tasmanian Trigonometry is an obvious pick, letting the bulky Bruiser survive a lot longer. Pair it with Last Stand, and his deadly strikes will hit much harder.

The right partner can compliment Black Adam nicely. An easy choice is Garnet, whose electric attacks have some synergy with Black Adam’s Circuit Breaker. Since Black Adam is so slow, a quick Assassin teammate like Harley or Stripe can keep the enemy locked down and vulnerable to Black Adam’s slow finishers. Lastly, an armor-focused supporter like Wonder Woman or Steven Universe can take the edge off of Black Adam’s slow, punishable strikes.

Gaming Keyboard Lets Aunt Type “Beautiful Family!!” Into Facebook 0.18 Seconds Faster

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local aunt Debra Langham credits her new mechanical keyboard for a 0.18-second reduction in how long it takes her to reply “Beautiful family!!” on Facebook.

“That might not seem like a lot, but when you’re using Facebook at an elite level, every frame counts,” said Langham, aunt of five. “You have to remember — I’m speedrunning the site to 100% completion, every single day. If someone I know posts a photo of themselves, and any of their family members are in that photo, I’m going to reply with ‘Beautiful family!!’ or ‘Wonderful family, Love Aunt Debby’ or something like that. And I’m going to do it weirdly fast. Because that’s just how I roll. I’m the top dog. Nobody does it like me.”

Langham, also known as Proud1stAunt, began searching for new gear after a recent dip in performance that left her vulnerable to rival aunts.

“I didn’t realize how far I’d slipped until I got washed by this casual on Halloween. My nephew’s friend’s sister posted a photo with her kids in their costumes. Easy pickings. But before I could get my reply off, some rando posted ‘love it’ and logged off,” said Langham, climbing into her battlestation complete with a 270-degree screen and surround sound. “She was probably cheating somehow, but still, it was a wake up call. I had gotten complacent. Never again.”

Friends and family confirmed Langham’s performance had improved.

“She’s more overbearing than ever,” said Breanna Wilson, Langham’s eldest niece. “The other day I posted a photo of my outfit, and you could see my kid’s hand at the very edge of the frame. I hadn’t even put my phone back in my pocket before Aunt Debby replied ‘Is that my grand nephew I see??’ and shared the photo to her #proud1stgang fan page. It’s just so exhausting.”

At press time, Langham was thinking about returning the new keyboard for a different model after reading a single negative review on Reddit.

Yakuza Fan on Japanese Vacation Thought He’d Have Beat Up More Guys With Bikes by Now

TOKYO — A devoted fan of the Yakuza games vacationing in Japan has reportedly not been involved in nearly as many fights wherein he wielded a bicycle he found on the street as a weapon as thought he’d be, sources have confirmed. 

“Yeah, I spoke to Randy, and he’s actually not having the best time in Japan so far,” said a close friend of the vacationing Yakuza fan Randy Elrod. “He said the people and food and the sights have all been pretty wonderful, and I think he’s enjoying it on that level. But he also said he’s sad that he hasn’t been mixed up in too many adventures or learned too many fighting styles yet. I’m like, ‘Dude, you’ve only been there three days. You have to wait.’” 

Elrod confirmed that his vacation has felt a bit uneventful compared to the events of his favorite gaming series. 

“Look, I’m not unrealistic,” he said. “I didn’t think I’d be getting framed for murder or infiltrating the criminal underworld right when I got here. But I don’t know, I thought there’d be a lot more going on, you know? I thought I was gonna be going wild in the streets out here fighting four dudes at a time, but nope. I haven’t even spotted Mr. Shakedown yet. I thought I did but it was just some big guy.”

“I did play a shit load of OutRun at an arcade yesterday,” he added. “So there’s that.” 

A chef at a restaurant Elrod has been frequenting confirmed that the American seemed to be having an underwhelming visit. 

“I’m sorry he’s not having a better vacation,” said Miya Masahiro, owner of a local eatery. “He comes in here at least once a day, and he sort of just sits around eavesdropping on people’s conversations and asking if they need him to get involved. It hardly ever goes well and at this point I’m thinking of asking him to not come in anymore. He’s a nice enough guy, but he keeps trying to get involved with everyone’s business and getting himself beat up. I think he needs to relax a little bit before he gets himself hurt.” 

As of press time, Elrod was seen injuring his back trying to wield a bicycle in a street fight. 

Musk Limits Twitter Hate Speech by Only Allowing Slurs From Verified Racists

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk, who recently became the owner of social media app Twitter after a nearly $50 billion deal, has cracked down on hate speech in the app by only allowing slurs from verified racists.

“Twitter is a public forum for free speech, and we only want to have hate speech from dedicated, verified bigots,” Musk tweeted today. “By subscribing, these racists are proving they’re committed to the notion that white people are the real minorities. Hate speech has always been a problem on the app, but I see this as a final solution. By paying to be verified, other racists will know that their discrimination is coming from an actual racist source and not some nobody.”

Verified Twitter Racist Michael Rymore, better known by his username @WhiteKnight4Whites, tweeted his appreciation for the new policy.

“I’m glad Mr. Musk appreciates the craft of racism and won’t let it be done by just any fledgeling anti-semite or xenophobe,” Rymore wrote. “Twitter is about to be a much better space with moderated, curated racism from only the finest, committed outlets of prejudice. Sure, the fee to be verified is annoying, but it’s only a fraction of what the Mexicans steal from me in jobs every year.”

Musk elaborated on why the new model will benefit the company.

“Twitter has a huge problem with hate speech — the problem being that it isn’t currently monetized,” Musk said. “I am a huge protector of the right to free speech, I just think people should have to pay me directly for it.”

At press time, verified racist outlets were reportedly upset when Musk tweeted a meme of a Confederate flag with the name of the creator intentionally cropped off.

CoD Modern Warfare 2: Best Weapons Tier List (Launch/November 2022)

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 expands on everything that made the previous Call of Duty titles great and improves upon them. The arsenal of weapons in the game is as impressive as ever. But, like every shooter out there, some weapons are simply better than others. Here is a breakdown of the best weapons in CoD: Modern Warfare 2 and why you should be using them.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Weapons Tier List

Our tier list is based on the current launch patch, but things may change in the future as we get new weapons and balance changes over the coming months. If you are comfortable with a weapon that is on a lower tier, feel free to continue using it! Your personal preference should always play a role in deciding which weapons to pick up.

S Tier – The Best Modern Warfare 2 Weapons

  • FSS Hurricane
  • Lachmann Sub MP5
  • M4
  • Kastov 762

A Tier

  • FTAC Recon
  • SP-R 208
  • Lachmann 556
  • MCPR-300

B Tier

  • TAQ 56
  • Lockwood MK2
  • Rapp H, Kastov 74U
  • LMS, Signal 50
  • M16
  • Expedite 12

C Tier

  • Lachmann 762
  • Fennec 45
  • Sakin MG38
  • 556 Icarus

The meta is being dominated by SMGs right now thanks to the low TTK and ease of use. If you enjoy using snipers and shotguns, they are also effective but you will need to play around your optimal ranges as getting caught out by a player running at you with an SMG can mean instant death.

CoD MW2: Best Weapons Overview

The M4, one of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2's best weapons.

Here are the top weapons that you should be using if you want to shred through lobbies in any game mode. 

FSS Hurricane – Best Modern Warfare 2 Weapon Loadouts

If you want to use the FSS Hurricane, this is the ultimate loadout that you should go for. 

  • Stock: Demo Quicksilver Stock 
  • Laser: 1MW Laser Box 
  • Rear Grip: Phantom Grip 
  • Barrel: FSS-X7 Barrell 
  • Underbarrel: VX Pineapple 

The Demo Quicksilver Stock can improve your ability to walk and aim at the same time. The 4MW Laser Box is designed to give the weapon a bit more accuracy while the Phantom Grip can boost your aim-down-sights time,

We then add an FSS-X7 Barrel to boost bullet velocity and recoil control and finally, the VX Pineapple reduces recoil and boosts accuracy to make the weapon a lot more lethal. Here are the best perks and equipment that you can use with the weapon: 

  • Basic Perk 1: Double Time
  • Basic Perk 2: Scavenger
  • Bonus Perk: Hardline
  • Ultimate Perk: Quick Fix or Ghost 
  • Secondary: X12 
  • Tactical: Flash Grenade
  • Lethal: Frag Grenade 
  • Field Upgrade: Battle Rage 

Lachmann Sub MP5 – CoD Modern Warfare 2 Best Weapons

Here’s the best loadout for the Lachman Sub MP5, which is arguably the second-best SMG in the game: 

  • Receiver: Lachmann Sub
  • Barrel: FTAC M-Sub 12″
  • Muzzle: SA Schalldampfer 99
  • Magazine: 50-Round Drum
  • Rear Grip: LM Cronus Grip
  • Underbarrel: FSS Sharkfin 90

The most important component of this loadout is the FTAC M-Sub 12” barrel which boosts bullet velocity, range, hip fire accuracy, and recoil control. We pair the top-tier barrel with the SA Schalldampfer 99 to suppress shots and reduce recoil. The LM Cronus Grip and FSS Sharkfin 90 can help increase stability and reduce flinch, making it the perfect SMG at close range.

Here are the perks that you should be used with the MP5: 

  • Base Perk 1: Battle Hardened
  • Base Perk 2: Tracker
  • Bonus Perk: Fast Hands
  • Ultimate Perk: Ghost
  • Lethal Equipment: Proximity Mine
  • Tactical Equipment: Snapshot Grenade
  • Field Upgrade: Dead Silence

Modern Warfare 2 Best Weapon Loadouts: M4

The M4 is the go-to assault rifle for many players, but if you want to get the most out of it, here’s the ideal loadout: 

  • Optic: Cronen Mini Red Dot or Forge Tac Delta 4 
  • Stock: Corio Precio Factory 
  • Rear Grip: Phantom Grip
  • Muzzle: Forge-Tac Castle Comp 
  • Barrel: Hightower 20″ Barrel 

If you have the Vault Edition of the game, you should have access to all M4 attachments instantly, so it might be your best option as you unlock loadouts for other top-tier weapons. The Cronen Mini Red Dot can increase precision and it is the only key component of the loadout. Other components help with zoom, handling, and recoil to make the weapon feel a lot more precise. Here is the best loadout for the weapon: 

  • Base Perk 1: Bomb Squad
  • Base Perk 2: Double Time
  • Bonus Perk: Fast Hands
  • Ultimate Perk: Ghost
  • Lethal Equipment: Semtex
  • Tactical Equipment: Stun Grenades
  • Field Upgrade: Dead Silence

Kastov 762: Best Class Equipment

If there is any weapon that can compete with the M4, it’s the Kastov 762. Here are the best attachments for the weapon: 

  • Muzzle: Polarfire-S
  • Barrel: Kastovia 343
  • Underbarrel: FTAC Ripper 56
  • Stock: Kastov-Rama
  • Optic: Cronen Mini Pro

The Cronen Mini Pro is one of the best optics for the Kastov 762 and it makes aiming with it much easier. The muzzle and barrel attachments feel like a match made in heaven for the 762 as it becomes much easier to control the weapon in intense fights.

If you are using the 762, here is the best weapon loadout for it: 

  • Base Perk 1: Double Time
  • Base Perk 2: Scavenger
  • Bonus Perk: Hardline
  • Ultimate Perk: Quick Fix
  • Lethal Equipment: Semtex
  • Tactical Equipment: Stim
  • Field Upgrade: Dead Silence

These are the best weapons in Modern Warfare 2 that you should be using to compete in the launch day meta. If you have the right loadout and attachments for them, you should definitely be using them to get the best experience possible.

CoD Modern Warfare 2 (2022): How to Unlock All Operators

You boot up Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, and as you rummage around the options, you face the existential question of which of these operators speak to you. Whose quips align with your personality – do you fling grenades into the fray with glee, or are you more of a morose killing machine? It’s time to overthink your selection of this menu of death dealers, as we get into how to unlock the new CoD: MW2 operators

Given that we’ve got a third-person perspective across multiplayer and co-op, it means you’ll actually get to see your avatar in action, along with your equipped guns and whatever camos you’ve adorned them with. Getting dressed up for war never has never been more important. 

If you’re fresh in and haven’t touched the campaign or co-op modes yet, you’ll have the classic choice of just one per team. So unless you wanna play as Generic Bloke A or B, you better get cracking with the challenges we’ve laid out below to unlock the base game’s 25 operators. Luckily, they’re much easier this time around, and you can blast through them pretty quickly.

How to unlock SpecGru Operators in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Here’s your classic “good” guys – you know, the ones who we cheer for when they shoot loads of other guys, who presumably don’t have families at home and definitely aren’t coerced into their roles through socio-political means. That said, are you telling me Gus ain’t a softie with a ‘tash and smile like that? Come on now. 

SpecGru is also where you’ll find these same “good” guys from the campaign, though at present, only if you fork out for the wildly overpriced special edition, which is frankly bollocks on Activision’s part, though hardly any great surprise. Perhaps they’ll gift you with the ability to earn them through a battle pass you’ll have to pay for when season 1 starts in November. 

Operator name Unlock condition 
Ranger I Available from the start
Chuy Complete story mission “Cartel Protection”
Gus Get five assists in a single multiplayer match
Zimo Get a kill with a secondary weapon
Kleo Get a kill with lethal equipment
Nova Complete story mission “Violence and Timing” 
Price Purchase Vault Edition
Farah Purchase Vault Edition
Ghost Purchase Vault Edition
Soap Purchase Vault Edition
Gromsko Complete co-op mission “Low Profile”
Reyes Complete story mission “Prison Break”
Luna Complete co-op mission “Defender: Mt. Zaya”

CoD MW2: How to Unlock KorTac Operators

Ooh aren’t they all just so edgy. Here’s your mercs for hire. No morals here, just cold hard cash, and lots of grumpy looking folks.  

KorTac is also home to the first platform exclusive operator so far, in Oni, who’s a PlayStation pre-order bonus in the form of a samurai. I didn’t want to play as him anyway.

Operator name Unlock condition 
Group I Available from the start
Fender Get two kills with a launcher in a single multiplayer match
König Execute a finishing move
Calisto Get five headshot kills in a single multiplayer match
Hutch Complete story mission “Countdown”
Horangi Get five kingslayer kills in a single multiplayer match
Roze Get a point blank kill
Zero Complete co-op mission “Denied Area”
Conor Get five hip fire kills in a single multiplayer match
Aksel Get 20 kills in a single multiplayer match
Stiletto Get two revenge kills in a single multiplayer match
Oni PlayStation pre-order exclusive

There we go – a quick dash through the campaign and the three co-op missions will net you seven of them. There’s no difficulty requirements either, so if you’re not too fussed about the experience but cannot imagine yourself going out in a lobby without whoever Hutch is as your avatar, then just rinse it on recruit difficulty. 

And the remaining challenges are far more forgiving than we’re used to – if you go ham on a quick match on a smaller map with a shotgun you could realistically clear up the kills, revenge kills, point blank, hip fire kills, kingslayers, and headshots in one go with a bit of luck. Grenade kills are easily done on modes like hardpoint with a defensive focus, and the RPG is the weapon of choice for the launcher kills, due to its quick time to shoot. 

Paul F Tompkins Finally Accrues Enough Discounts to Hoard World’s Stamp Supply

PHILADELPHIA — Comedian and frequent podcast guest Paul F. Tompkins announced his retirement from the audio medium after finally collecting enough stamp discounts to hoard the entire planet’s stamp supply.

“Finally. The long-con is complete,” Tompkins began grandly in a video addressed to the United Nations. “All the silly characters, the elaborate bits — mere theater to distract from my master stroke: collecting every feasible discount on stamps from every podcast and combining them all to control the world’s postal service. Now nothing in the world gets sent without Paul’s approval first, got that? And the mail is merely the first piece of the puzzle, if my demands are not met by midnight, tomorrow I seize the world’s mattress supply as well.”

The United Nations was reportedly caught off guard by Tompkins’ taunting monologue.

“We spent years laughing at his crazy voices and his impeccable comedic timing, so we didn’t see the nefarious deeds playing out right under our noses,” said Secretary General of the United Nations Antonio Guterres. “Now Mr. Tompkins can pull the plug on the mail industry as a whole if he sees fit. If only we had seen the warning sign that he dresses like an eccentric supervillain all the time! Although we don’t negotiate with terrorists, we’re prepared to offer him whatever he wants as long as he continues to appear on the Earwolf network. We can rebuild a society without postage, but not without someone to host the Comedy Bang Bang yearly Best-Of’s.”

At press time, sources noted that Tompkins also has seized control of all the world’s formal handkerchiefs, a feat achieved accidentally by pure coincidence.

Since Video Game Shit is Allowed in NASCAR Now, Here’s 5 Games We’d Like to See Crossover Next

Last weekend at the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville Speedway, NASCAR racer Ross Chastain went full speed along the wall around turn three, passing several cars in the final moments and barely finishing in a high enough place to join Joey Logano, Christopher Bell and Chase Elliott as the four drivers competing for the 2022 Cup Series title. Now, I’m not entirely sure what that means, but what I do know is the guy said it was straight up a maneuver he used to do in video games as a child:

“Played a lot of NASCAR 05 on the GameCube with [brother] Chad growing up and you can get away with it… and I never knew if it would actually work.”

The obvious takeaway here is gamers are taking over. Everyone knows that. But what’s more interesting to think about is what long gestating strat might today’s gamers-turned-NASCAR-drivers be thinking of employing next? Here’s five video games that we hope follow in NASCAR 2005’s footsteps by influencing the professional racing industry. 

#5 — Mario Kart 

This goes without saying and it’s honestly fucked up that no one’s ever taken any of the great mechanics of the beloved racing franchise and incorporated them into professional racing before. There’s so much room in those cars, why can’t they have a turtle tank riding shotgun and they can fire those bad boys out at each other? It sure would liven up those boring ass caution flag laps, I tell you that much. 

Now, I’m not an idiot. I know the difference between real life and video games. I know that whipping a turtle against the passenger side door of a moving car isn’t going to effect it very much, let alone spin it the fuck out. I know that. But just imagine if someone landed a snapping turtle in someone’s lap or something? It could really be a Hail Mary that would spice up the ends of races. 

I can hear it now:

“Kyle Busch was in really good shape until Denny Hamlin landed a snapping turtle on his penis. What a finish! Busch looks pretty riled up out there, and I would be too, race fans!”

#4 — Twisted Metal 

This one probably goes without saying too. Where are we at with the homing missiles and everything else? I’m not sure if NASCAR gets good television ratings or not but what I can tell you is that if you start letting in monster trucks and taxi cabs with missiles and machine guns start running in the Daytona 500, well then mister, you’re going to have some really good television on your hands. That’s what I think. 

Also, can we get some grizzled and gnarly characters into the sport already? No offense to the milky crew that drives NASCAR currently, you guys are great, but just think of how far one or two homicidal maniacs or ghosts or whatever the hell Axel was would go.  Could really get some new fans into the sport that way. Don’t believe me? Look at the numbers that Dahmer show did on Netflix. 

Also, they should do NASCAR up on rooftops and shit! 

#3 — Star Wars Episode I: Racer 

I don’t think I need to say anything here. 

#2 — NASCAR: Dirt to Daytona 

Back in the day, my roommate Matt used to play this game a lot and he unlocked a mode where if you honked your horn it would shoot a fucking mortar out of your car and cause a bunch of destruction. It was on the PlayStation 2 and I remember being so impressed at how real and detailed the huge crashes were that you could create. 

I think, and bear with me here, that it would be pretty compelling if they rigged up NASCARs to shoot mortars out of them when they honked their horns at each other in the real life thing. Nothing too crazy. Like one per race. And also you can’t use your horn anymore after you’ve deployed your mortar, so that would be something for the drivers to consider. Would love to see this feature safely implemented into the sport.  

#1 — Halo 2

Now I’m not all the way sure on the execution of this one, but remember that trick in Halo 2 where if you did a melee you could then hit reload real quick and cancel the melee animation, then quickly fire for a quick 1-2 melee/fire combination? I think it would be awesome if that were in NASCAR somehow. Also, big ass Warthogs with armed soldiers. Fuck yeah. Get a guy on the gauss cannon. What about Rocket Race? 

Nobody Knows Person Just Hanging Out Alone in Discord Voice Channel

BILLINGS, Mont. — No members of the local gaming Discord server EAT SLEEP GAME recognize the identity of the lone person who has been hanging out in the server’s voice channel for the past two hours, freaked out sources have confirmed.

“I logged on for some good old Sunday Rocket League when I saw Mr. J was already in the chat, whoever that is,” said the Discord group’s administrator Martin Davidson, nervously locking his doors. “I figured it was just a Discord bug or whatever, but when I clicked their name to kick them out, my computer suddenly restarted. The second time I tried, my power went out, and the third time the pictures on my wall rattled violently before flying across the room, shattering on impact. I have no idea who Mr. J is, or what they want, but I made a separate voice channel for us to play in for now since the main channel is clearly cursed by this stranger’s presence. Maybe it’s one of Steve’s friends?”

Other members of the server reportedly tried to shoo away Mr. J and encountered similar results, including one brave attempt by a player who actually dared to enter the occupied voice channel.

“At first when I joined I heard this uncomfortable, guttural moaning, but that soon turned into alternating insect-like clicking and wet gurgling sounds. Almost like someone was drowning or was stabbed in the throat or something,” said group member Mauricio Butler. “I tried to say ‘Who’s there?’ but all I heard was what sounded like an echo of my own voice screaming ‘leave’ over and over in agony, so I got the hell out of there. I think it’ll take me a few days before I feel comfortable voice chatting with anyone again, the whole thing was really harrowing.”

Experts say EAT SLEEP GAME’s situation of being harassed by paranormal channel invaders isn’t an isolated incident.

“Nobody knows where these sad souls come from, or what they want,” said voice chat historian and amateur ghost hunter Andrew Reeder. “But thousands of Discord servers are haunted every year when spooky voices move in and refuse to leave. I see it all the time. I wish I could tell you that hiring an exorcist, smudging sage, or sprinkling salt around the perimeter of your house might help, but results are mixed at best. It’s a shame. The best thing you can do is pray that they finish whatever unfinished voice chat business they have and then get on their way.”

At press time, the members of EAT SLEEP GAME were able to confirm the mystery user actually was Steve’s friend Jason, who joined the server two years ago to play Among Us and accidentally joined a voice channel without realizing.