Highly Anticipated Game Comes Down With a Sudden Case of ‘Crafting System’

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

OSAKA, Japan — Capcom’s announcement that the highly anticipated Resident Evil Village will include a robust crafting system has fans double-guessing their excitement, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Why would we just focus on survival horror when this game can be so much more?” said game director, Morimasa Sato. “We figured we’ve already made the game where you are on the run from an imposing threat as you navigate a horrifying reality. While that’s all still there, players will now also be able to cook elaborate meals based on recipes they find in the world or even take one of the vampire sisters bowling. I really can’t anticipate a single person being turned off by this.”

According to Sato, players are going to want to max out their crafting skill in their progression tree as they level up to get the most out of this new system. The announcement has sparked all kinds of responses from the game community.

“I’m not sure I like this shift toward cramming every system out there into every AAA game. I miss when developers took a few core ideas and really honed in on making those the best they can be instead of over-bloating their product with mechanics and features that take focus away from what actually works well and is fun to play,” said user /u/residentweavile4 in a Reddit comment downvoted 361 times.

“This,” said a reply from user /u/presidentleonkennedy that was inexplicably upvoted 412 times.

In order to win back the support from fans, however, Capcom has since tweeted that there will be an in-game camera function you can use to take selfies while running from Lady Dimitrescu.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Gamer Increases Odds of Tinder Match by Holding Down-B While Swiping

Posted on by Stephen Bell

ATHENS, Ohio — Single gamer Evan Hughes reportedly believes that holding down and B while swiping on Tinder increases his chances of getting an automatic match.

“There’s all sorts of bugs that can be exploited on Tinder. Some of my friends told me that holding down and B while swiping essentially has the effect of being a master swipe that leads to automatic matches,” said Hughes. “I saw some other people on Reddit talking about it so it must be true. The trick is that you have to time it exactly right or else the exploit doesn’t work. I must be really bad at it though because I haven’t gotten it to work exactly right yet.”

Beyond holding down and B while swiping, Hughes insisted there were actually lots of exploits that could increase your chance of matching.

“Another friend told me that swiping up twice, then down twice, and finally left, right, left, right, and typing BA into my profile would lead to automatic matches,” said a miffed Hughes. “Unfortunately, that didn’t work. It also meant I swiped right on some cute girls. I also tried tilting my phone and leaning forward during really intense swiping sessions. I know that doesn’t do anything, but it makes me feel better.”

Local girl and gamer Patricia Ortega was asked to critique Hughes’ profile to give some insight into why none of his tricks were working.

“Well, first off, he’s still using a basic character outfit. Like, where’s the customization?” said Ortega critiquing his dressing abilities. “The fact that his chosen profile name is ‘pokebigballs’ isn’t doing him any favors, either. Honestly, I thought this was spam. Not to be too judgmental, but it might also help if he put some stat points into strength, if you know what I mean. If he actually spent as much time studying the blade as his profile states, which that is a pretty sick katana he’s holding, then you’d think he’d be in better shape.”

When asked to comment on these bugs, Tinder ensured us that they were actually features that could only be accessed upon purchasing Tinder Gold, as opposed to only Tinder Silver.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

CD Projekt Red Announces Cyberpunk 2077: A Game of the Year Edition

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

WARSAW — CD Projekt Red announced that a new, definitive version of Cyberpunk 2077 is coming this fall, titled Cyberpunk 2077: A Game of the Year Edition.

“For players who want the full Cyberpunk experience, this has all the content we’ve released so far in one place,” says a press release from CD Projekt Red. “It includes Patch 1.1, Patch 1.2, and every hotfix we’ve made over the past 6 months to stop people from refunding their copy. It’s the complete incomplete edition.”

“Whether you loved it or hated it, we can all agree that Cyberpunk 2077 was undeniably one of the games that came out last year,” the press release continues. “It was a great surprise and we think that’s something to honor.”

The box art features several accolades from press publications. It notes that the open world game was featured on over 100 critic lists in 2020, including IGN’s “Top 10 Controveries of the Year” write-up and GameSpot’s “Every Game Coming Out in 2020” list.

“Cyberpunk 2077 is an ambitious project …” reads one truncated quote from a Kotaku review featured on the box. “It’s a … video game that … is impressive, but … features a giant open world that doesn’t … suck, because … it’s good. Keanu Reeves is … in it.”

In addition to collecting all of the game’s content in one place, it also includes every piece of damage control CD Projekt Red has released since its launch. It even features some brand new apologies addressing never-before-seen controversies.

“On behalf of CD Projekt Red, I’d like to own up to our mistake here and say we’re sorry to our fans,” says CD Projekt Red CEO Adam Kicinski in a new video. “While we were trying to be satirical, we can see how some of our various jokes about trans people came off as inappropriate. We truly apologize even though you have to admit it is kind of funny. Right? No? Shit. OK, someone get me a blank yellow apology background.”

The game is scheduled to launch this October and rescheduled to launch this December. It will receive its first patch next February, which CD Projekt Red says should allow players to access the game.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Silent Hill Now Allowing Abandoned Schools and Amusement Parks to Reopen

Posted on by Gabe Porter

SILENT HILL, Maine — The Silent Hill city council has decided that their numerous decaying schools and decrepit amusement parks will be reopened to the public amid fear of COVID-19.

“This reopening bodes well for the coming birth of our new savior,” said local cult leader Dahlia Gillespie, an elected official. “This panic will all be over very soon, and we shall all be granted the mask-less paradise we have sought. The path set out for us requires these places to have people within them. Without the horrible restrictions laid upon us, we will welcome a new paradise.”

The reopening will also grant many in the monster population re-entry into the workforce.

“I’m excited to be back on the ol’ stomping grounds,” said Gray Child, a monster who has been affected by the shut-downs. “Since this thing started I’ve been hurting for money, and spending all day here in my run-down, rusted apartment has driven me almost crazy! Also, without us, who’ll torment the various townspeople and troubled souls that wander into these desolate places?”

When asked about the safety issues reopening might have, Gillespie seemed confident about the well-being of the townspeople.

“This so-called plague provides only a false roadblock to the true goal of our town,” Gillespie, who has also recently been involved with the Q conspiracy, said. “Safety is truly given to the people that refuse the erroneous protection these masks give. Open your eyes, and see what is really happening here.” When questioned what was really happening here, Gillespie refused to answer. 

The town itself has had a total of zero COVID cases. Some researchers claimed it was due to the thick fog that engulfed the town, slowing the airborne transmission. Others stated it was due to the fact that Silent Hill is not a real town but instead a manifestation of people’s inner sins.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Silent Hill photo via Nicholas Glasson.

Magneto’s Credit Cards All Fucked Up

Posted on by Naomi Krause

GENOSHA — Brotherhood of Mutants leader Magneto has vowed revenge on humanity for designing credit cards that are destroyed by magnets, making it impossible for him to carry a wallet without all his cards getting fucked up.

“This is clearly a subversive attack on all mutant kind,” said Magneto. “Our people deserve to buy groceries without the humiliating ordeal of swiping it with a plastic bag, swearing that our card isn’t being declined, then standing there like an idiot while the cashier types our number manually. We are second-class citizens.”

Other mutant leaders spoke out against Magneto, claiming he was hijacking a civil rights issue to address a minor inconvenience in his own life.

“Oh, Eric’s exaggerating,” said renowned mutant educator Charles Xavier. “Just use Apple Pay, it’s like telepathy but with banking. Take your stupid helmet off for a second, it’s so easy. Your Mom was killed by Nazis and you’re drawing the line with Visa?”

In recent days, Magneto’s threats have become more explicit.

“We have been oppressed long enough. You attack us in the streets, you attack us in laws, and now you attack us in portable financial transactions. Genosha will not abide this unwarranted aggression,” said Magneto in front of a laundromat where his card didn’t work last Tuesday. “Your kind has 48 hours to respond, or I’ll destroy the Golden Gate Bridge or something.”

Magneto’s children claimed their father was hiding the real reason for the ultimatum. 

“He’s just bitching because he couldn’t get the ATM to work when he was out with Mystique,” said his son Pietro. “Has your dad ever texted you to run a condom over to him at 2 in the morning? It’s not fun.”

Magento also reportedly just learned that he accidentally wiped another hard drive, and he promptly decided to destroy Australia.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Review: PS5 Undeniably Best Way to Play PS5 Games

Posted on by Camden Brazile

The console wars are still a reality in the gaming world. Every year people rely on impartial reviewers to tell them which piece of hardware should win their paycheck for the next couple years. I do not take this responsibility lightly. After much deliberation and consideration, I can finally say with complete objectivity that Sony’s PlayStation 5 has won an important battle: it is the definitive console for playing PlayStation 5 games. 

Being able to play PS5 games is admittedly only a recent addition to the average gamer’s console wishlist. While Sony’s previous console, the PlayStation 4, was widely well-received, critics couldn’t help but notice that it was missing the ability to play PS5 games, something fans have been asking for since the release of the PlayStation 2. 

The testing for the PS5’s competition was thorough and unbiased. I used a standard copy of Spiderman: Miles Morales, a cornerstone PS5 launch title, and tried it on some of the other household appliances that threatened the PlayStation’s market share. First, I went right for the toaster. While the toaster’s dual-slot compliance seemed up to the task initially, the hardware just couldn’t handle Spiderman’s graphics, and it spit out a crisp copy of the game disc. Other trials were tested, and even on the “bagel” setting, the toaster pales in comparison to the Sony monolith in my living room. 

Next, I went for the most logical competitor to the PlayStation 5’s hardware: my own human mouth. While my mouth initially accepted the PS5 disc, upon trying to swallow my body ran into some kind of system error, and I threw up shards all over my carpet. 

Rest easy, gamers, as the PlayStation 5 is bar none the best console for playing PS5 games. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I should disclaim that I was actually unable to get my hands on a PS5 thus far, as I have neither the funds nor patience to acquire one, but through my powers of deduction I have concluded the PlayStation 5 to be the frontrunner for the console debate for its unparalleled ability to play PS5 games.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Vaccinated Gamer Unlocks ‘Social Gathering’ Skill Tree

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Caroline Silva unlocked the ‘social gathering’ skill tree on her abilities menu exactly two weeks after receiving her second Moderna vaccine upgrade, according to those close to her.

“It feels good to reveal a whole bunch of new skills available to me now that I’m vaxxed up. I’m especially excited to try out the ‘hug’ skill that’s a few unlocks down the road,” Silva told friends. “Hanging out with people is definitely going to be difficult, though. I’ve lost the muscle memory for it. It’s like when you put down an RPG for a few months and you go back to it and you’re like ‘whoa, I don’t even know what the attack button is anymore.’”

Despite Silva’s confidence, however, her roommate Kris Sargsyan disagrees with her about her potential to be invited to social gatherings.

“Sure, you can unlock the skill tree if you get the necessary items… but that doesn’t mean you have a high enough charisma stat to pull off an honest-to-god social interaction. She’s still a gamer, afterall,” Sargsyan said. “I mean, Jesus Christ, she’s talking about hanging out with people in real life like it’s a fucking video game. Hell, she’s got me doing it too! We’re losers. It’s not gonna happen. People are gonna friggin dodgeroll away from us.”

At press time, Silva and Sargsyan were seen in their apartment, alone, silently playing video games in separate rooms.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Couple Planning Wedding Forced to Make Tier List of Friends

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local engaged couple Elaiza Tan and Kate Figueroa were frustrated having to sort all of their friends into a big tier list in preparation for their upcoming wedding, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Having to list out all your friends and rank them in a list feels bad, but we need to figure out who is strong enough in the meta to make it to our wedding. Sure, people like Kris were really strong a few years ago, but after a year of COVID, they’re not really in the meta at all anymore,” Figueroa explained. “We have two maids of honor, of course, which are our mains, but everyone else needs to get placed somewhere on the tier list.”

“The only thing we know for sure is that it’s a no-kids wedding,” she added. “Kids are automatically F-tier. They’re annoying as hell and their low intelligence makes them awful friends.”

Despite Figueroa’s frustration, however, Tan has had a somewhat easier time ranking the couple’s friends.

“Freddy — Kate’s ex who I think she might still be in love with — is fucking banned. He is too charismatic and OP. He is the only person I have ever met who is SSS tier. I will not allow him to come and dominate the wedding,” said Tan. “The thing about Fred, and I know everyone’s sick of hearing about him, is that he has a huge hitbox. And you know what I fucking mean by hitbox. I’m talking about his penis. He needs to be banned. It’s a hitbox that he uses to hit boxes. He will fuck all the bridesmaids.”

After wedding invites were sent, several friends were saddened to discover that they were too low-tier to receive an invitation at all.

“Sucks to find out I’m basically the Waluigi of the group,” said Figueroa’s co-worker Randy Tate. “I thought, at the very least, I could get in as an alt skin of that guy Mandy. But I guess we’re not really that similar after all. Hell, I don’t know if I am Waluigi. At least he’s a fan favorite. At best, I’m probably just a meme pick like Three Goombas in a Stack or Tetris L Piece. I’m still holding out hope that Kate gets divorced and I can get into the next wedding, though.”

As of press time, wedding attendants were frustrated to discover that most of the people at their tables were anime swordsmen.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Seth Rogen Battles Quarantine Loneliness By Making Giant Ceramic Jonah Hill

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Comedic actor Seth Rogen posted a photo on Instagram today revealing that he had created a 20 foot tall ceramic Jonah Hill in order to combat his quarantine loneliness.

“I made a big version of Jonah hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh,” explained Rogen on a podcast today. “And yeah, you guessed it, I can smoke weed out of it hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh. Also, side note, Ted Cruz can go fuck himself. That little rat fuck. I hope he fucking dies. Anyway, yeah, I’ve been pretty lonely so I made a pottery version of Jonah. Hey holy shit, ‘pot’ is there in ‘pottery!’ It’s been there all along! Hueh hueh hueh hueh hueh.”

According to those close to the situation, Jonah Hill was ecstatic about the ceramic monument to his person.

“Honestly I’m flattered. I’ve always wanted to see what I would look like as a 20-foot tall ceramic statue and it’s really cool watching Seth’s skills develop,” Hill said. “I’ve always seen myself as a sort of fragile person, so it actually works really well as a metaphor for how I feel inside. That’s how I know that Seth’s a true artist. Whether he’s making an animated movie about what if sausages made jokes about fucking or he’s making ceramic versions of his friends that he can’t hug due to a global pandemic, he always gets to the bottom of what makes us human. Or, I guess, what makes us Jewish, at least.”

Fans have been begging Rogen and his creative partners to make a film starring the ceramic Hill, but the filmmakers have been cagey in their responses.

“Look, I’m the first to admit that working with a ceramic version of Jonah would make things a lot easier. That guy is such a fucking diva,” said screenwriter Evan Goldberg. “But if we can’t figure out a way to make a relatable story about a 20-foot ceramic man, something that shows the difficulty of being an aging stoner who’s afraid to take on responsibility and end the immature chapter of his life that he feels trapped in, then hell, we’re not gonna make a movie. I promise that if we crack that story, we’ll begin filming immediately. But we’re just not there yet.”

Any hopes to make a movie about the ceramic figure, however, were halted after the pottery version of Jonah Hill shattered into thousands of pieces following an attempt to re-live the skateboarding of its youth.

UPDATE: Close sources are now reporting that it was actually the real Jonah Hill who shattered, as opposed to the ceramic version. The ceramic Jonah Hill has been confirmed as safe and sound in the arms of Rogen.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Wealthy Cannibal Conflicted on “Eat the Rich”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local cannibal Stewart Loarfy is reportedly conflicted about the rise of “eat the rich” sentiments on account of his massive wealth, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Look, I’m obviously cool with eating people as much as the next guy. Honestly, it’s exciting to see so many people on board with the idea in general. But… the rich? That’s me,” Loarfy said to friends on a Discord chat for cannibals. “I worked hard to make my money and I shouldn’t have that taken away from me, just because I’m wealthy. All I’m looking to do is work at the business I created, support my family, and eat other human beings, whose flesh tastes like no other.”

“I’m just like any other red-blooded American,” he added. “Which, by the way, is one of my favorite flavors.”

Sources from within Loarf’s friend group, however, have reported that many of his friends disagree with his sentiments.

“Look, I’m a really open-minded guy. I care about things like free speech. I would never criticize Stewie just because he has a different food-based lifestyle than me,” said Loarf’s longtime friend Marissa Grigoryan. “But he’s such a dick about being rich. I mean it’s not really pulled himself up by his bootstraps or anything. He inherited his family’s lumber business and mostly just maintains it, and uses it to hide the bodies he keeps there to eat. He doesn’t deserve to have more money than us or anything.”

According to Dr. Nathaniel Warren, a sociology professor at Columbia University, this issue is becoming a growing divider among the cannibal community nationwide.

“I’ve studied cannibals for decades and generally, they’ve been on the same page about what they want from society: the ability to eat human meat,” Dr. Warren explained. “But in recent years, this ‘eat the rich’ campaign has driven the community apart, with many cannibals simply happy just for ‘eating people’ to become a popular issue in mainstream discourse.”

“That being said, it’s not a particularly even divide,” Dr. Warren continued. “You know, it turns out that having access to eating people without getting in trouble is a pretty privileged pastime. And at the end of the day, even cannibals identify as rich before anything else.”

At press time, officials asked if anyone had information about the whereabouts of Loarf’s friend Marrisa Grigoryan, who has not been seen in several days.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

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