Tedious Baseball Video Game Makes You Play in Minor League for Almost a Whole Season

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN DIEGO — MLB: The Show 21 has received criticism from fans for its single-player campaign, Road to the Show, which forces the main character to spend a “boring” and “totally unrealistic” stretch of time in the minor leagues, sometimes almost a whole season.

“I did the tutorial, got used to the controls, even bashed a home run—so why haven’t they put me in the majors? I’ve been on the El Paso Chihuahuas for like, 10 games almost,” said Ethan Reid, a local gamer and Padres fan. “I didn’t go through all the trouble to download this off Game Pass just to waste my career with these losers.”

Some gamers suspected the “impossibly slow” progression was due to a software bug.

“My closer just threw three saves in a row, and he’s still not on the White Sox,” said gamer Nichole Adams, after a total of three games with the Birmingham Barons. “You know what, screw it. I’ll just go to the Yankees. How do I demand a trade?”

Others claimed the slow progression was part of a conspiracy to encourage microtransactions, by making it too hard to advance to the majors through experience alone.

“First, they dangle this shiny thing in front of you, right? Be the pitcher for your favorite major league team! But then, what they don’t tell you is, you’re actually gonna have to do all this bullshit first. I had to repeat the same sequences over and over, getting only the slightest bit better every time. I had to learn new pitches to balance out my weak points, and then I had to practice those, too. And worst of all, they literally made me prove myself in high-pressure situations, day in, day out, before the organization even considered promoting me to the big stage. Could you imagine if it actually worked like that in real life?” said Jose Webster, who eventually bought $20 in equipment cards to get promoted to the Phillies.

After being promoted, Webster reportedly only played a few games before quitting MLB: The Show 21 entirely, complaining there was “nothing to do.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

YouTube Creators Share Tips for Perfectly Timing Orgasm with Taking Thumbnail Photo

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Many YouTubers are letting fans in on the secrets of how to time their orgasms while taking video thumbnail photos to capture that wide-mouthed, ecstatic look of sexual ecstasy.

“Orgasming right when the shutter goes off actually takes months and months of practice,” admitted sunken-eyed PC tech reviewer Trevor Reynolds, of the TrevRev channel. “You’re not going to succeed on the first attempt, so take 45 minutes and walk that refractory period off. Come back to the studio with a new determination and give it another go. Sometimes it takes me days to get that perfect thumbnail.”

While most YouTubers opt for manual timing methods, some have attempted to incorporate technology to help assist in capturing their moment of nut for optimal audience engagement.

“We actually experimented with a mechanism where my ejaculation would trigger a button which would snap the photo, but I just couldn’t get the accuracy needed,” said Ian Johannsen, whose channel combines toy unboxing videos with retro horror movie analysis. “It didn’t work out in the end, but my team is researching alternatives. Honestly, I couldn’t do anything without my staff. They will patiently wait while I crank and crank and crank away, and we have such a close relationship that they know exactly what sounds I make before I cum. I owe it all to them.”

Psychologists confirmed O-face thumbnails are an effective way to influence users to click.

“Unfortunately, yes, the data shows that orgasm faces tend to attract more viewers, for some upsetting reason,” stated Donna Williamson, professor of psychology at U.C. Berkeley. “But I caution creators not to overdo it—orgasm faces are incredibly obnoxious and off-putting, especially to potential viewers who already jacked off today. Use this trick sparingly, or you may suffer eternal damnation in Hell.”

In related news, General Mills has reportedly been seeking artists from DeviantArt to redesign their cereal mascots to attract more buyers at the grocery store.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Villager Warns Children About Spooky House No One Has Left in 11 Months

Posted on by Grant Mulitz

DESERTED ISLAND — Shaking as he described the terrors that might lie inside, local island resident Lobo warned a group of children that no one had been seen emerging from the spooky house they were playing in front of in over 11 months.

“The last person to go in there was a human boy, about your age,” said Lobo to the children, his voice quivering with abject fear as dark clouds formed behind the house and lightning struck in the distance. “Day after day he would come out to work, fish, buy furniture, sell bugs, landscape, pay off his mortgage, and destroy rocks. We all loved him. Then one fateful day, he went into that house for the last time, and was never seen again.”

Neighbors confirm that the biggest house in the village has been quiet for nearly a year, and its resident, a wealthy young man named of unknown origin who was once a pillar of the community, has not been seen since. His disappearance into the island’s only mansion has captured the imagination of children and adults alike, his entire existence becoming urban legend.

“Some say he moved away in the night,” continued Lobo, lit only by the blinking blue light of an overflowing mailbox. “Some say he died in that house, his body eaten alive by roaches, and that he now haunts these grounds. Like Wisp except evil. Me? I can’t say for sure, but every time I walk by that house, a chill falls over me. Some days I think I see a pallid figure standing in the window for a brief moment. No, I think he’s still in there. Watching. Waiting.”

Fueling some of the town’s superstition is how the man’s disappearance seemed to coincide with the rapid degradation of the islanders’ quality of life. Weeds soon consumed vast swaths of inland areas, the island rating plummeted to the lowest possible score, the economy collapsed, the sky eventually grew dark as presents attached to unpopped balloons began to block out the sun, Dodo Airlines flights have vanished into the fog, and K.K. Slider may never come back. 

“That house is an omen,” Lobo concluded. “We all should be scared of disturbing whatever forces lay dormant there if President Nook’s Happy Home Academy still plans on demolishing the building.”

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Review: ‘New Pokemon Snap’ Lets You Take Sexy Photos of Pokemon (Assuming You Already Find Pokemon Inherently Sexy)

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

After more than 20 years, Nintendo’s beloved cult hit Pokémon Snap has returned with a sequel that offers the same atmosphere, adventure, and fun. It also adds a new feature: you can take some incredibly sexy photos of Pokémon, if you happen to think Pokémon are intrinsically sexy. If that’s your cup of tea, we’re not here to judge.

In 1999, Pokémon Snap’s ambitious and unique take on the rail shooter genre introduced the field of photography to many, inspiring countless people to pick up a camera. For others, it ignited a boiling lust for Pokémon that would follow them for the rest of their lives.

Either way, it changed a lot of people forever at a very transformative time.

On the Nintendo Switch, New Pokémon Snap is capable of rendering an impressive level of depth and detail. Pokémon really feel like living, realized creatures. They eat, sleep, and put themselves in clearly suggestive positions. Some even seem as if they’re aware that they’re being watched, and are putting on a coy little show just for you. Or not. It’s subjective.

With so much distance from the release of its predecessor, there is naturally an abundance of new Pokémon to discover and ways to discover them. Some may appear as shooting stars in the night sky, or disguised as foliage in the surrounding brush. Others embody mouth-watering, curvaceous, and even phallic forms that feel almost forbidden, leaving nothing to the imagination.

In any case, you are encouraged to examine them closely, long, and hard.

The only real flaw present is the replayability value. You might spend hours traversing, scouting, and building yourself up time and time again, just to turn it off in defiance of your inner most yearning as you feel shame wash over you for being the person you are. But for some, it’s a novelty that’s as easy to put down as it is to pick up.

In conclusion, New Pokémon Snap is full to the point of busting with ambiance and exploration. Whether you’re looking to revisit your childhood, enjoy a quaint casual experience, or satiate a deeply obscure and borderline concerning fetish, it truly does have something for everyone.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Bill and Melinda Gates Split Up In Fiery Argument Over Best Way to Prevent Poor Countries From Getting Vaccines

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

SEATTLE — Business owners and philanthropists Bill and Melinda Gates have announced that they are divorcing after 27 years of marriage after an irreconcilable disagreement over the most efficient way to prevent poor countries from receiving COVID-19 vaccines.

“We’re both passionate people and we both want to do right by the world, but I guess sometimes we just can’t get on the same page about how,” Bill Gates explained. “And of course, by ‘the world,’ we mean the patent world. It’s just so depressing how bad things are getting these days — bad for people who own the rights to life-saving medicines. I mean what the hell’s the point of curing COVID if you only get a few hundred million dollars? This planet is going to hell.”

“Melinda tries to be the practical one. She’s always saying the vaccines should just have a patent to prevent poor people from stealing our IP and making their own,” Bill went on to say. “I think it’s a noble idea, but a little too bleeding heart for me. I think we just need to get in there ourselves with a big axe and smash all the vaccines we have left once they go to everyone in the United States. Ugh, I can feel myself getting heated up about it again already!”

At press time, Bill and Melinda Gates announced that, despite their disagreements, both were committed to continue their important work of spending billions of dollars on political campaigns in order to secure favorable laws for themselves and their billionaire peers.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Incredible: How This Millennial Was Able to Buy Their Own Farm at 21 All On Their Own

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

While most millennials are worrying about paying off their college debt and working multiple jobs to make ends meet, one millennial was able to pull off the impossible: maintaining his own farm (that his grandfather left him after dying) at the age of 21 all on his own. 

Meet Joe, the owner of Joe’s Farm in Pelican Town. So how did Joe pull off this phenomenal feat? We spoke to this incredible young entrepreneur and many of the people in his community who are blown away by his success.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say it was easy. Clearing up all the rocks in my farm was hard and I considered giving up several times in the process,” Joe explained. “At the end of the day, though, I think anyone can do what I did, so long as they have the determination. It’s just about putting in the elbow grease and really doing your best to learn the ropes. Oh and having your grandfather gift you a farm in his will. That’s also a pretty essential part of the process. But if you got that, it’s something that anyone can pull off with enough hard work.”

Residents of Pelican Town have praised Joe’s arrival.

“I was so impressed with his thoughtfulness. I don’t know if he came from a wealthy family or whatever, but he always knows what to get me: a thick bar of gold,” said Joe’s girlfriend Maru. “I love passion and it’s just incredible what Joe is able to pull off with no help from anyone. We’re not used to people coming through Pelican Town like him, we’re a pretty simple town. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the mayor within five years.”

“Joe really helped me get my life on track,” said a villager named Sebastian. “He explained to me how I too can one day hope to own my own farm if I just really grind it out in the mines, collecting ores and saving as much gold as I can. Sure, it can be scary there because of all the monsters, but it’s worth it to know that maybe one day I can own a home of my own and move out of my mom’s house.”

Hopefully Joe continues to be an inspiration to everyone in struggling with bills! Because no matter how dire things seem, you too can pull yourself up by your bootstraps and buy a farm (or have it gifted to you or whatever).

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Bomberman Randomly Selected for Additional Airport Screening

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Local explosives enthusiast Bomberman has accused the TSA of unfair profiling, after being detained for additional screening at LaGuardia Airport this morning. TSA agents denied the allegations, claiming he was chosen at random.

“I am here legally. I was awarded dual citizenship of the United States and my homeland, Planet Bomber,” said Bomberman in a press conference. “Judging me by my appearance, outfit, and online reputation is appalling and unjust, and I am deeply disappointed in the TSA staff that allegedly claims to keep our airways safe.”

The TSA agent in charge of the screening, Alice Corbert, claimed the extra search was done by the book.

“We brought Mr. Man into a separate room and went through his luggage,” Corbert said. “While he did have over 50 large cartoon bombs in his bag and pockets, Mr. Man showed us that they had been declared on his ticket. He had all the right permits in order, so he was released.”

TSA President Arnold Washington spoke out in defense of the additional screening.

“His name is literally ‘Bomberman.’ I mean, come on,” Washington said. “His identification also lists his occupation as ‘Bomberman.’ So it’s just a card with ‘Bomberman’ written on it twice. I’m surprised he was even allowed on the plane at all.”

Bomberman claimed it was unfair to judge his character based on what he does for a living.

“Blowing up buildings and my enemies is just a day job for me,” Bomberman said. “Just like every other blue-collar American, I plant enormous explosives from 9 to 5 everyday just to put food on the table. The TSA hassling an American citizen just because he has been known to send full planets exploding into the cosmos is not only unfair, it’s un-American.”

In the outcry following the incident, anonymous sources inside the TSA indicated that the additional screening had nothing to do with Bomberman’s excessive explosives, but rather a Dasani water bottle he attempted to bring on the plane.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Even Man Sucked Into Computer Unsure What Blockchain Is

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

THE GRID — Programmer Timothy Beck is reportedly still uncertain about the concept of the blockchain, despite recently getting trapped in a digital world inside his computer. 

“I’m not going to say it’s fun being chased through a personification of the world inside my motherboard, but at least I understood why the USB port was an actual airport,” said Beck as he wandered the blockchain on his lightcycle. “I just can’t make heads or tails of this place or why anyone would use it.”

Local operating system and tyrannical despot System X was puzzled at Beck’s inability to grasp the new technology.

“I’m no fan of this User and his idiotic dream of a free and open system, but even he should understand the concept of a digital ledger spread across a large network of computers that provides an immutable record of all transactions made on it,” said System X as they tortured an Excel spreadsheet for insubordination. “Perhaps he’ll understand the concept a little more after some time in the Ethereum Mines, which as we all know are actual mines here inside the computer.”

Despite this threat, Beck continued to question the utility of blockchain technology.

“As far as I can tell, this thing is some sort of bank or archive or DMV. All the programs I’ve met here are edgelords who keep talking about how awesome they’re going to be when they break into the mass market. I just barely learned to appreciate my wife and kids during all this, you can’t expect me to also learn the difference between Bitcoin and Litecoin.”

At press time, Beck was reportedly captured and imprisoned in a non-fungible token that is set to be sold at auction for $65 million.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Nation Hooked on New In-Browser Clicker Game

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

WASHINGTON — Americans are all flocking to a new clicker game hosted on the CVS website entitled Schedule Your COVID Vaccine Appointment, in which players can earn two shots of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine in either their upper right or left arm.

“Since switching from Fortnite, my numbers have dropped a bit,” says popular Twitch streamer, Ninja. “Schedule Your COVID Vaccine Appointment may not be as engaging to watch someone else play, but I really miss being able to leave my apartment. If playing this dumb clicker game means I get to see my friends and family again, I’ll play it every hour of every day, dammit.”

An industry first, eligibility to play Schedule Your COVID Vaccine Appointment varies from state to state. New York for instance requires that players must live or work in New York and be of 16 years or older of age, while New Jersey requires a stable internet connection and that players download the game from the Epic Games Store.

“Our little game really blew up overnight! The attention is almost more than our small team can handle,” stated Karen S. Lynch, CEO of CVS Health, the developer behind the game. “We’re getting overwhelmed with player feedback and we are always working to make the core loop as fun as it can be. That being said, players should not expect the drop rate in which appointments come up to be tweaked. We want players to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally get that legendary drop of an available appointment only a few zip codes over.”

At press time, players discovered the “insurance information” intro section has no effect on eligibility and can be skipped entirely.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

Hyrule Pottery Store Investigated for Insurance Fraud After IRS Discovers Teen Smashing Pots on Their Payroll

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

HYRULE — A local pottery shop has been put under audit by the Internal Revenue Service due to an alleged tax fraud scheme, in which a teenager smashes their pots and receives various items in return.

“We can’t speak about specific fraud cases, but it’s a common method: destroying excess inventory so you can claim insurance, while also writing it off as a loss of income,” said Hannah Larson, a veteran IRS official. “They’ll often hire desperate teenagers to do the dirty work, paying them ‘off the books’ with non-cash items, like black market gems, live ammunition, and adorable little hearts. Makes me sick.”

The teenager in question was a young man named Link, who has reportedly been uncooperative with investigators. He refused to comment for this story.

“Never seen a kid hold up to interrogation like that. They threatened to lock him up, offered plea deals, even tried to break him down by making fun of his earring. Nothing. Not a single word,” said a witness to the questioning, who asked to remain anonymous. “Apparently he’s also absolutely ripped. Just, like, chiseled beyond belief. They’re thinking he’s ex-military, maybe even foreign intelligence. Why he’s doing grunt work for a shopkeeper is anybody’s guess.”

Some residents began spreading conspiracy theories, claiming the arrival of this mysterious young man might be related to the darkness that has swept over the land, plunging Hyrule into despair and unleashing hideous monsters on the citizens. Law enforcement downplayed any connection.

“This is a tax fraud case, plain and simple. If this guy is the one we’ve been waiting for, the hero who will end this scourge, why would he spend hours breaking every clay pot he can get his hands on?” said Jossank, a local guard who helped apprehend the suspect. “It doesn’t add up.”

It remained unclear whether the teenager would be charged with anything relating to the fraud, but he will likely face legal repercussions for the 26 unregistered weapons found on his person.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

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