Pope Heartbroken to Discover Church Is Evil in Most JRPGs

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

VATICAN CITY — Following an announcement from Vatican officials that Pope Francis has started playing video games to pass time during quarantine, the Pope has become reportedly heartbroken to discover that the Church is the villain of most Japanese role-playing games.

“I knew we had our critics, but… I didn’t think it was this bad,” said Pope Francis in front of an audience of hundreds outside St. Peter’s Basilica, according to a Latin translator. “I just wanted to run around with my virtual friends and save the world in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, so it just sucks that I can’t escape from this crap. It hurts. That’s really all I can say. It friggin hurts, man.”

According to various sources from within the Vatican, the Pope doesn’t know what to do with his time now that he feels that he can’t play JRPGs without feeling “personally attacked.”

“The Pope wants escapism, just like the rest of us, so it’s not really fair that he can’t play his favorite genre of video games. Just the other day, I saw he tried to play Final Fantasy X, and just couldn’t bring himself to finish it,” said a cardinal. “The Pope likes deep single player games with cool anime characters. He’s not a social guy. He tried really hard to get into Among Us last fall, but people wouldn’t listen to him when he said someone was being sus. It’s hard for him.”

After news broke of the Pope’s disappointment in the JRPG genre, Fire Emblem: Three Houses director Toshiyuki Kusakihara released a statement apologizing to the leader of the Catholic Church.

“Ohhhhh man, dude, I’m so sorry, man,” Kusakihara said in a statement to the press. “Honestly, we were just kinda following the tropes, I didn’t think he’d actually see it or anything. I guess you shouldn’t talk shit behind someone’s back if it’s not something you would say to their face. Next game, the Church is gonna be cool as hell. I have no idea who we’ll make the villains if we can’t, but fuck, I guess we’ll have to figure that out for the first time in decades.”

At press time, however, Pope Francis did praise the pro-Catholic Church message of JRPGs, which is that it’s OK to romance children.

Want to learn about interesting things, but mostly hear comedians goofing on them? Check out our podcast Deep Dive in the Shallow End!

U.S. Government Reaches Agreement With Wario64 to Announce COVID Vaccine Availability

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — The United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has reached an agreement with popular video game deals twitter account Wario64 to announce COVID-19 vaccine availability nationwide.

“We’re taking vaccine distribution very seriously as we want to reach as many people as possible and that means working with existing systems in order to get them out efficiently. At this time, there is no better way to alert people of an item’s availability than through Wario64’s Twitter account,” explained Dr. Fauci at a press conference. “We expect to see millions of Americans gain access to the vaccine in the coming weeks and, through our partnership with Wario64, we should even be able to reach underserved communities, like gamers.”

According to recent polling, both Democrats and Republicans have universally praised the decision by the CDC.

“It’s really great because I’m actually trying to grab the vaccine and the PS5, so I put on tweet notifications and I’m killing two birds with one stone,” said one respondent. “The only thing I’m worried about is mixing vaccine culture with gamer culture. I’ve already seen a bunch of console war bullshit with the Moderna people against the Pfizer people and it’s getting really intense. And then, of course, there’s the Johnson & Johnson people who just want that little kid vaccine.”

When asked to comment, Wario64 said that Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze for the Nintendo Switch is available for $49.99 through Amazon for the next 48 hours.

‘Mario Golf: Super Rush’ Adds Guy Who Tells You to Tuck in Your Shirt There, Buddy, This Isn’t the Hood

Posted on by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — In a surprise Direct presentation, Nintendo announced that Mario Golf: Super Rush will be adding a new character: the golf bro who tells you to tuck in your shirt there, buddy, this isn’t the hood.

“We love adding outside characters to Super Smash Bros., and we thought, why not bring some variety to Mario Golf, too? So, we went with this guy,” said Shinya Takahashi, revealing a sexually frustrated Mii with a polo shirt, khaki pants, and three DUIs. “Man, what a dick.”

Nintendo has licensed outside characters before, but the new addition will be the first to come from the real, tangible world.

“This guy is actually a first for us in a lot of ways. He’s the only real person to appear in the series, and also the only real asshole,” said Takahashi, cycling through photos of the new character drinking warm beer, getting in a fight with a server, and throwing up in his Jeep on the way home from the country club. “He has a complexity that you don’t see in most of our other characters. A lot of pain there.”

Nintendo licensed the image and likeness from Preston Lee Frederick III, the real man on whom the character is based.

“I’m not surprised those nerds want me to star in their game. I’m kind of a legend around here,” said Frederick, 28, a junior analyst at the consulting firm Frederick & Frederick. “Ask anybody about the 2014 longest drive contest, they’ll tell you all about it. Also, dude, tie your shoe. This ain’t whatever hole you crawled out of.”

Nintendo has yet to comment on a long-rumored second character, the friend who is weirdly good at golf for some reason.

We Ranked Every Mega Man Game and Still Feel Nothing

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

After a blurry year of stories, reviews, and just constantly having to be fucking learning about some bullshit, I thought this assignment to rank every mainline Mega Man game would be just the break I needed. Surely, this reflection upon a hugely influential franchise that I am also a lifelong fan of would bring some color into this grey existence of mine, but alas, ranking these games was no match for the exponentially growing apathy in my soul. I still feel nothing. There is a chasm living inside of me that feasts not on food and water to get stronger, but time itself.

Scroll down for Hard Drive’s ranking of every Mega Man game!

Mega Man 

The original Mega Man is no less than one of the most influential 8-bit games of all time. It is far from the worst Mega Man title released, but I put it on the bottom of the list so as to feel something, anything. It did not work. This world is cold and no one is listening. Check this one out if you like NES platformers. 

Mega Man 11

A perfectly serviceable and inspired modern entry into a cherished series, its low placement on this list is primarily influenced by the 2018 release’s cruel decision to age Mega Man in no way, despite the grotesque facade reflected back at you in your Switch’s black screen briefly in between levels. No amount of tight controls or fantastic music will dissipate the realization that you first played a Mega Man game 30 years ago.

Mega Man 6

I didn’t play this one, ok? There’s 8 bosses, you collect their abilities and shit. I don’t know. I had the time and everything, but I just fucking stared off for a while. Then this piece was due all the sudden and I found that Mega Man 6 was generally pretty low on these lists. The Mega Man games have been ranked 100 times already. There’s no way anyone is reading this. 

Mega Man 10

Which one was this again? It probably was a cute love letter to the series but ultimately a hollow appeal to our collective childhoods. The only kind there is. Is it better than 6? Worse than 4? I don’t know, man. I should’ve learned to write code or something. Do my editors even read these pieces I send in anymore? Yesterday I complained about my food order at the drive through even though it was right. I just wanted the interaction to last a little longer. 

Mega Man 4

Mega Man 4 sits in that sweet spot between familiarity and disruption, between our memories and the desire to step out of our comfort zones and challenge the monotony that is modern life. Mega Man 4 laughs in the face of predictability by introducing the Mega Buster, ensuring that most enemies you encounter can be easily dispatched using Mega Man’s standard arm cannon. No decisions, no thinking, just staring at the screen and being away from the problems of the flesh for those treasured three or four hours. Also features Drill Man. 

Mega Man 7

I just realized I don’t even know what day it is.

Mega Man 9

A fantastic title. I spent a lot of time on this game when it came out in 2008. And now? I couldn’t tell you a single thing about it. But I remember the feeling it gave me. There’s entire years that’s not true for. Thus, top five. 

Mega Man 3

This stone cold classic has some incredible levels, unforgettable bosses, and perhaps most importantly to the series, this is the first time we met Rush, Mega Man’s beloved dog! In addition to being a fan favorite character, the adorable robotic canine also gave Mega Man new abilities, such as a higher jump, opening up level design possibilities for the creators. I had a dog once. 

Mega Man 8

Rough in parts, but the piss poor voice acting has brought me more joy than any well executed jump or successful trip through a boss gauntlet ever could. This PlayStation classic is good, but not as great as you remembered it. Don’t play it. Leave your memories alone. 

Mega Man 2

This game is impossibly good. One of the most influential games of all time. Why does revisiting it elicit not one single emotion or feeling out of me? Maybe I did the bosses in the wrong order. Regardless, if you are looking for games that I played as a kid before my parents divorced, this one will be right up your alley. An undisputed classic with one of the all time great soundtracks (if you can hear it over all the yelling downstairs!). 

Mega Man 5

Fuck it, five is the best. Yeah that’s right, five. Best ever. Come at me. Write me. Call me at home. Beat my fucking ass if you think I’m wrong. I have been doing nothing but playing Mega Man games for weeks and I would kill for the action. I won’t even fight back.

(Editor’s note: Mark turned this list in unprompted.)

Want to Write About Video Games? Here’s 4,000 Blank Lines So You Can Print This Article and Get Started

Posted on by Kyle Erf

It’s hard to break into the video game journalism industry. That’s why we wanted to give you a leg up!

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Andrew Yang Proposes to Sell New York City as NFT to Raise Money for Police Department

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Yang announced today that, if elected, he will list the city to be sold as an NFT online, hoping to raise funds for the New York Police Department.

“Our city desperately needs more police funding so that officers can more effectively crack down on sidewalk chalk art in underserved neighborhoods,” Yang explained. “The NFT market is a really cool way to generate more money for the city, by letting some rich benefactor own the ‘original’ version of the city — or the Big Apple, as we New Yorkers call it — as a collector’s item. I think there’s a really good chance that someone like Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, or even Israel could purchase the NYC NFT for a few billion dollars.”

Yang’s supporters were quick to praise the mayoral candidate online.

“I’ve never even been to New York, but I wish I lived there so I could vote for Yang,” said Twitter user MrMathMan1776Nerd. “Our country really needs more people who think outside of the box. That’s Andrew Yang. If someone else has ever even thought of an idea, Yang throws it out! He only wants to have the freshest, newest ideas — and that’s what makes him so perfect. You criticize Yang all you want for not having the best ideas, but you can never say he doesn’t have the newest ideas.”

“There’s a reason Yang is leading all the polls and it’s because he’s an actual genius,” said Redditor PM_ME_NASTY_FEET. “I have absolutely no idea what an NFT even is, and that’s what makes this idea so perfect. I just want whoever is the smartest person running to win every election. Honestly, instead of an election, they should just have all the candidates do an IQ test and just nominate whoever wins that. Hell, I’m gonna post that to r/showerthoughts.

Despite support, however, there were also many who criticized Yang.

“Even if I wanted to raise NYPD funding (I don’t) and even if I didn’t care about the environment (I do), this is just obviously a bad idea because anyone who buys NYC as an NFT knows that it’s only contributing to the very climate change that will soon leave the city underwater,” said Twitter user SocialismIdeasForYou. “It’s a terrible investment for potential buyers!”

“suck my fat little dick sir,” said Twitter user italian_cheffboyardee.

At press time, Yang was rushed to a local hospital after attempting to beat Joey Chestnut’s hot dog eating contest record in an apparent bid to prove his New York credibility.

Teammate With One Damage Uses Max Health Potion

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Scott Porter faced condemnation from teammates for drinking a Max Health potion when he only had one damage and could have saved it for later.

“It honestly says a lot about our society, nowadays, you know? Makes me think about all the people who are hurting in poverty, working paycheck to paycheck, while their bosses treat themselves to so much more than they need,” said teammate Tamara Lawson, who matched randomly with Porter for a timed event. “Plus, that loser messed up the event so now I gotta wait for it to start again.”

Porter insisted that he shouldn’t be blamed for using something that was his own property.

“I needed healing, and that was the only potion I had. You want me to walk around below peak health just because some other players might be worse off than me? That’s not fair. Maybe other players should work a little harder and save up to get their own Max Potions,” said Porter, who found the potion sitting on the ground in the forest. “Also, my finger may have slipped.”

Another random teammate, Steve Brown, felt the blame should go to the game mechanics, rather than focusing on a personal choice by another player.

“Look, if you give people Max Potions, they’re going to waste them. It’s just a fact. What we need is new policies from the devs, like a basic potion income for every player regardless of level,” said Brown. “Or handle everybody’s health from a central location instead of doling it out piecemeal. Just an idea.”

Since the event, Porter has also faced scorn for using massively underpowered weapons just because they “looked way cooler.”

Couple Tearfully Agrees It’s Time to Main Other People

Posted on by Chandler Dean

ROCKVILLE CENTRE, N.Y. — After several years of mastering each others’ subtle quirks, local couple Arjun Irukulapati and Ellen Cervantes have regretfully decided the time is right to start maining other people.

“Honestly, it’s unrealistic to main just one person for your entire life,” explained Cervantes, who clarified that she loved every minute that she mained Irukulapati. “And look, maybe in a year or two I’ll realize he’s my forever main — but I have to see what other characters are out there.”

“Some people think you can main more than one person at a time, but I don’t think I’m ready for that,” Cervantes admitted. “Others suggested we take a vacation or do couples therapy, but that just felt like DLC — Drained Lover Concepts — that would only prolong the inevitable.”

Irukulapati expressed a similar sentiment, emphasizing that by any measure, it had been an S-tier pairing, but that being the best on paper is very different from being the best in the arena of love.

“There wasn’t anything wrong with our relationship,” Irukulapati insisted. “But we’d settled into a rhythm of using the same move combos over and over again — where’s the fun in that?”

“And to be honest, we had a pretty Final Destination sex life,” Irukulapati revealed. “Flat, no items, 6-8 minute time limit. I’m just saying, I would’ve liked to try some freaky WarioWare shit at least once.”

Cervantes’s roommate, Georgia Auchter, was relieved that the couple finally stopped sidestepping their problems; in her view, the separation was not a super sudden death.

“It got to the point where when I’d watch them fight, I could predict every move,” Auchter recounted. “The baiting, the pressuring, the projectiles. I kept asking myself: isn’t [a relationship] supposed to be fun?”

At press time, the couple’s friends took the news of their breakup with maximum knockback.

Local Basketball Coach Arrested After Feeding Opposing Star Player Chocolate

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

FERNFIELD, Wash. — Stephen Cobbs, coach of the Spokane Warriors junior high basketball team, has been arrested after killing Fernfield Timberwolves’ star player, Air ‘Buddy’ Bud, ahead of the state championship game this weekend.

“What happened the night before the big game is absolutely horrifying,” said Arthur Chanley, coach of the Fernfield Timberwolves basketball team. “Our community has suffered a devastating loss, and the rest of Buddy’s teammates are reeling from this sudden tragedy. You don’t just ‘have’ poison on your person, like Mr. Cobbs says. I don’t care if it’s cyanide or chocolate, that man is a dirty liar and a murderer.”

An autopsy report reveals that Buddy was found with trace amounts of chocolate in his system, revealing that Cobbs had used a Butterfinger bar to take out the Timberwolves’ power forward.

“There’s no rule in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play basketball, but there are laws in this country prohibiting homicide in the first degree,” explained leading prosecutor Herb Napolitano, who represents the Golden Retriever’s estate.

On the court, Buddy was known for his unmatched dribbling, passing, and shooting skills, as well as his trademark penchant of defecating and urinating in the middle of plays. His shocking departure leaves a hole in the Fernfield Junior High community, including his 12-year-old teammate and roommate, Josh Framm.

“When Buddy came into my life, I had no idea he would teach me how to be a team player, stand up to the bullies at my school, and love myself,” Framm revealed. “I guess his murder has also taught me about the seedy underbelly of middle school basketball.”

Buddy is survived by his wife, a fellow dog, and their five children, each one of whom is also reported to be a promising athlete across various American intramural sports.

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