Third Party All-In-One Emulator Perfectly Recreates Xbox 360 Red Ring Effect

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SHENZHEN, China — Third party gaming manufacturer WinGamez has just released its newest all-in-one emulator device, the S-Uber Nantanda, and it is able to emulate every generation of gaming up to and including accurately replicating the Xbox 360 red ring effect. 

“Oh my god, these knockoff emulators are getting so good,” said Liam Sellers, a retro gaming enthusiast that purchased the new retro gaming device. “It’s so fun being able to have multiple systems on one console, and I’m always paying attention to the newest things these can do. For example, last year I thought it was so cool when Anbernic put out the RG351 that played PSP games, unlike the RG350. Now we’re all the way up to red rings! This really takes me back. Bravo to the emulation community on this one. This piece of shit won’t even turn on anymore.” 

A spokesman from WinGamez’s American office said that realistic Xbox 360 emulation has long been a goal many thought was unachievable. 

“They laughed when we said we were going to ship something as thoroughly unreliable as an Xbox 360,” said Damon Kirkland, PR rep for WinGamez America. “But they don’t know what WinGamez’ is all about. In fact, our company has a mantra:‘make game person good bad money.’ It doesn’t translate into English that well, but you’ll have to take my word for it. Anyway, we’ve been hard at work ever since the release of the WinGamez Saygun Genesix to try and encapsulate some more recent hardware, and I think we have finally reached our zenith. Behold, the red ring of emulator death. For serious gaming enthusiasts only.”

The device can play over a dozen different system’s games, including PC and handheld releases from years past. Gaming historians maintain that preservations of all aspects of video gaming history are vital to the medium. 

“Of course it’s fun to sit around and talk about GoldenEye and shit,” said Tori Browne, a video games journalist. “But the true gamer remembers the highs and the lows. The malfunctioning hardware, the overheating systems, the systems touted as being of the next generation struggling to operate in any way whatsoever. The Xbox 360 experience is an integral part of gaming history, and I’m so glad it’s being preserved accurately. May we never forget how many of our brothers and sisters had to mail their shit in and wait for Microsoft to fix it.” 

As of press time, the S-Uber Nantanda is available on a sketchy Amazon post we’re too scared to link to. You should get one and just play GoldenEye on it.

The Top 5 Foods We’re Looking Forward to Getting on Our Steam Decks

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

With last month’s announcement of the Steam Deck, one of console gaming’s last objective advantages over PC was obliterated: the ability to make an absolute fucking mess while you try to eat food and play a handheld game at the same time. With that in mind, here are the top five foods we here at Hard Drive can’t wait to get on our Steam Decks! 

 Spaghetti – For as long as I can remember, to eat dinner while I played something meant finding room for a plate at my desk, a fate as impossible as having a quality first person shooter experience on a fucking Nintendo. Now that gaming on my couch will be an option, spilling the only meal I know how to cook on my system will no longer be a gaming experience that eludes me. The wait is finally over. 

Soda – Is the Steam deck able to run MMO’s? I don’t know! Am I going to go to Burger King and order a single soda and try to play on their wi-fi while getting free refills all day? Yes!

Movie theater popcorn – As we return back to movie theaters, I’m reminded how much I hate the commercials and trailers before that play before the film. Sometimes they’re as bad as the movies that play right after them. As such, I will probably be getting a lot of Counter-Strike games in during my next trip to the multiplex. Cannot wait to flex on a bunch of strangers telling me to turn my Switch off during the movie. Guess again, shitheads. I’m smudging my buttery fingers all over a fully portable PC. 

Entire Thanksgiving Dinner – If you think I’m not gonna sneak my Steam Deck into grandma’s house and grind Into the Breach while Uncle Jake yells about vaccines, well then you are wrong, because I am totally going to sneak my Steam Deck into grandma’s house and grind Into the Breach while Uncle Jake yells about vaccines. 100 percent. I’ll probably get gravy all over the fucker, too. Small price to pay. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this. 

Beers –  Look, I’m not looking forward to getting into a fight with my entire immediate family regarding my love and usage of the Steam Deck, but I’m not going to pretend that spending a few weeks calming down in the garage doesn’t sound at least a little fun. It’ll be just like last time, only I won’t have to lug my monitor out there. Fuck yeah.

There you have it. What foods are you looking forward to getting on your Steam Decks? Are any of them easy to make? Let me know in the comments!

Fortnite to Host Comedy Show With 200-Foot-Tall Pete Davidson

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

CARY, N.C. — After the success of a recent in-game performance by Ariana Grande, Epic Games announced that the next premier Fortnite event will be a comedy show with Pete Davidson performing as a 200-foot tall version of himself.

“We wanted to branch out into comedy,” explained Darby Shelf, a concert coordinator at Epic Games, “and we thought, who right now is a bigger and more popular stand-up comedian than Pete Davidson? Seriously, I’m asking, because he’s the only one we could think of.”

Epic reportedly chose Davidson because of his connection to Grande, a previous Fortnite concert performer, rather than any particular traits of his own.

“Ariana gave us such a great show, and we got to thinking, what about that guy she almost married? He exists,” said Shelf, who also organized the in-game performances of Marshmello, Diplo, and Travis Scott. “Maybe we could make money off him.”

It was unclear whether anyone at Epic had seen Davidson’s actual comedy material, but the company was optimistic nonetheless.

“Pete is also white-hot right now after that huge role in The Suicide Squad. At least, we hope he is, because someone’s gotta buy this thing” said Shelf, revealing a new skin of Blackguard, his character from the film. “Available for 2,000 V Bucks in the Fortnite Item Shop.”

There were also rumors of an upcoming classical concert, in which a “world-eater-sized” Yo-Yo Ma will sit down in a chair and play cello.

Review: Aliens: Fireteam Elite Is One of the Best Left 4 Dead Type Games to Come Out in Weeks

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Aliens: Fireteam Elite is easily one of this year’s most anticipated four-on-one shooters loosely modeled after Left 4 Dead, and now that it’s out, we’re happy to report that it’s the best one of these to be released in the last, what, month I guess? 

Aliens: Fireteam Elite, like every single other one of these games coming out, is a cooperative first person shooter where players work together to survive hordes of creatures while they scavenge for weapons and supplies.  Basically, it’s like Left 4 Dead with some distinct variations. Among the most notable are the different classes which you level up, and the game’s lack of safe rooms and checkpoints throughout the game’s chapters. And, of course, no zombies, this one has aliens. But there’s the special kinds too and everything, just like Left 4 Dead. Don’t worry. 

Is it as good as Left 4 Dead? No. Is it as good as Alien: Isolation? Not really. Is it better than Aliens: Colonel Marines? Yes, of course. Is it the next shooter coming down the assembly line that we will consume and talk about with the same fervor regardless of our collective enjoyment of it, all but ensuring that the AAA video game space will forever be riddled with dozens of clones for every truly innovative game? I dunno! The guns feel nice, though! 

It’s got shortcomings, most notably that lack of innovation from level to level. The whole thing’s just a little redundant and it lacks the memorable moments that made its predecessors really pop. It’s ultimately pretty fun though, if you like Left 4 Dead. 

Oh, you know what one looks cool too? Second Extinction. They’re doing Left 4 Dead with dinosaurs. 

And then reminder, this Fireteam one is with Aliens. Little face huggers and whatnot.  

Also a reminder that you can just buy Left 4 Dead 2 on Steam still. 

Verdict: Since Back 4 Blood’s closed beta is over and doesn’t come out until October, Aliens: Fireteam Elite is the best bet for fans hoping to one day get their hands on a real life Left 4 Dead 3. It doesn’t quite live up to the high standard of that franchise, but we are still holding out hope for other upcoming titles built on a similar premise, including The Anacrusis, Warhammer 40,000: Darktide, Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Extraction, that Control spinoff, and that Evil Dead game.

(Note: As of press time, Aliens: Fireteam Elite announced it was adding an ‘Impostor’ mode to the title. Sounds fun!)

“No One’s Ever Really Gone,” Cackles Emperor Palpatine Over New Spider-Man Trailer

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — A new trailer for Spider-Man: No Way Home was released today and features Emperor Palpatine’s voice saying “no one’s ever really gone” over footage of Spider-Man battling in New York City.

“Holy shit is that Emperor Palpatine?! I was really wondering how they were gonna work him into this thing!” said Marvel fan Stuart Burks on Reddit. “It’s so cool they’re finally bringing back all the heavy hitters from the other movies with this multiverse stuff. I hope Disney buys every single Hollywood studio in existence so we can have one big collage of characters once for all.”

Kevin Feige took to social media to explain the decision to include several characters from older Spider-Man movies and Emperor Palpatine in the new MCU film.

“I remember growing up people telling me that the thing that makes America great is that it’s a melting pot of all these different cultures,” Feige said. “But I think we can go even further and make America a melting pot of all of the world’s pop cultures. That’s my goal here with Spider-Man: No Way Home — to make my own personal version of Ready Player One.”

At press time, Feige noted that the only thing he had rejected as a cameo in Spider-Man: No Way Home was a request from Sony, in which fans see a universe where Sony still owns Spider-Man and people aren’t upset about it.

Confederate Flag Spotted in GeoGuesser Game Doesn’t Narrow Down Anything

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local gamer Brandon Farley was unable to narrow his location down further than the United States in a game of GeoGuessr after spotting a Confederate Flag on the back of a pickup truck, according to close sources.

“Usually spotting a regional flag like that is incredibly helpful in GeoGuessr, but once you already know you’re in the U.S., you can see a Confederate flag literally anywhere,” Farley explained. “I live in upstate New York and I see them all the time. I see people who I know who have literally never left New York in their entire lives who feel a ‘connection to the South.’ Spotting a racist person in the United States simply doesn’t cross a single state off the list of possibilities.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Farley struggled with various potential identifying features of the location he had landed on in GeoGuessr.

“Maybe if this game existed like 40 years ago, it would be more playable in the U.S., but you can’t even use storefronts anymore. There’s like five kinds of stores and six kinds that exist in this country and they’re all over the place. Like, oh cool, a McDonalds, that sure helps me out,” Farley complained. “I know I’m not in a city because I just see long stretches of highway through grassy areas, but again, that can be literally anywhere. Maybe it would be easier if I saw a fucking train or something, but our country decided that we’re too cool for those!”

At press time, Farley submitted an answer and learned that the location he was trying to figure out was in southern England.

Mushroom Kingdom Water Usage Up 25% Since Opening of Mario Golf Course

Posted on by Andy Holt

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A report from the Mushroom Kingdom Department of Water and Power (MKDWP) revealed a steep 25% spike in municipal water usage since the new Mario Golf: Super Rush course opened earlier this year.

The news sparked outrage across the Kingdom, which was already facing a water shortage.

“Don’t these yuppies know we’re in a drought? Last time I took my kids to World 2-2, the water wasn’t even deep enough to swim. The blocks were turning brown. Cheep-cheeps dying by the hundreds. Meanwhile, the Princess and her pals are having a grand old time at the country club,” said local resident Green Toad. “Really makes you think.”

Despite the drain on community resources, the massive golfing complex remains inaccessible to the majority of locals.

“We should be putting all that water toward a free public park, or at least a place where the entrance fee gets you a little more bang for your buck. The average worker can’t afford to drop so much money on golf. That’s why you only see the bosses there,” said Green Toad, who works under Mario at a local construction site. “$60 is a lot of money.”

Course officials rejected the criticism, insisting that golf remains essential to the canon of the Mushroom Kingdom.

“Ever since Mario and Luigi picked up their clubs almost 30 years ago, our courses have brought the fun, manic energy of golf to Mushroom Kingdom. Is there room for every single resident to play here? No, there is not. Resources are limited,” said a written statement from the club, which recently added a fully functioning city as a new course. “It’s top-tier franchise characters only, and also Chargin’ Chuck, for some reason.”

In response to the public outcry, Princess Peach promised to slightly refurbish the popular Mario Kart facility for a third time.

Unclear What Dad Thinking About as He Stops Walking Through Living Room to Silently Watch You Play Assassin’s Creed for Like 15 Minutes

Posted on by Chandler Dean

YOUR LIVING ROOM — Late Sunday night in the midst of an otherwise chill evening of winding down from the school week and playing Assassin’s Creed, you became increasingly confused after your dad stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the living room to stare blankly at your TV screen thinking about God-knows-what for about 15 minutes.

Your dad — who, for a full quarter-hour, has declined either to sit down and relax or keep walking to his bedroom and go to sleep — did not respond to multiple requests for comment from you as to what was on his mind.

“I can’t tell if he’s super entranced by the conflict between the Assassins and the Templars, or if he’s just like zoning out and thinking about work stuff,” you mumbled quietly in the unlikely event your dad was tuned-in enough to be listening. “Maybe he’s thinking about how good graphics are now? ‘Cause they were probably super shitty when he was a kid? Ultimately, I can only speculate — I am 16 and this man is an enigma to me.”

While you have been able to piece together a few clues about your dad’s state of mind — he’s just gotten home after a long day at his job, he’s still wearing his work clothes, he’s holding a large cup from the Taco Bell drive-thru — they aren’t adding up to a coherent narrative that would explain why he’s so diligently watching you perform reconnaissance around the Holy Land.

“I seriously can’t tell if he’s invested in the story, curious about the gameplay, or just using the screen as a place to rest his eyes while his brain wanders off somewhere else,” you exasperatedly admitted. “His facial expression is implying all of those things, and yet none of them at once.”

Your friend Skyler Finley, who spends the night at your house enough that they’re kind of like your dad’s second kid, was equally perplexed about what your dad might be thinking about, and, in any case, how to proceed.

“Would it be weird to offer to let him play?” Finley hesitantly suggested. “Would he even want that? I’m worried that if we pitch that he’ll actually take us up on it. And I have to think that would somehow be more awkward than whatever’s happening right now.”

At press time, your dad picked up the Assassin’s Creed disc case and read the entire description on the back without making any comment or showing any emotion.

Lonely Gamer Sits on Hands So It Feels Like Someone Else Is Playing

Posted on by Gabe Porter

FAYETTEVILLE Ark. — Isolated gamer Greg Biscuit has resorted to numbing his hands and then playing video games to alleviate the crushing despair of his solitary life, sources have confirmed.

“You know how hard it is to live each day by yourself?” Biscuit asked, sitting on his hands. “I need companionship, and since I refuse to go out and actually meet people, this is the next best thing. It works pretty well. I sit on my hands for an hour or so, and when they start turning blue, I sit back and pretend my best friend, who I have named Benjamin, is playing right next to me.”

Biscuit’s father expressed concerns about his son’s newfound hobby.

“All day he just sits in his room, on his hands,” his father said. “Most of the time he isn’t even playing since it takes so long to get them numb. He can’t even lift a fork to eat anymore due to how bad his circulation has gotten. His mother and I haven’t been able to talk to him for days. Please Greg, if you’re reading this, we miss you and love you.”

While the cure seemed fool-proof, Biscuit faced difficulties in the quest to destroy his loneliness.

“I’m only really able to play super easy and simple games,” Biscuit said while playing Breakout. “Even then, I’ll still mess up and have a mental breakdown, both due to the loneliness and my inability to complete a level. It sucks cause I really did enjoy action-packed games, but if I have to choose between either Pong and a ghostly sense of there being another human in my vicinity, or Dark Souls and loneliness, I’m gonna choose the former.”

At press time, Biscuit’s hands had become so misshapen that he had lost the ability to game, forcing him to watch Let’s Plays alone instead.

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