Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Gamer Absolutely Cannot Wait to Play 5 Hours of Elden Ring, Take a Week Off, and Give Up Forever

Posted on August 28, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local gamer Thomas Roth is buzzing with excitement for FromSoftware’s Elden Ring to finally come out so that he can play it for five hours, take a week off because he’s too busy, and then never work up the energy to open the game again in his life.

“I love Soulsborne games soooo much! Well, I love the beginnings, because that’s about how far I’ve played in each of them,” Roth said. “Figuring out how to beat one to two bosses is about my limit for how much I am willing and able to learn. But figuring out how to beat those one to two bosses is a blast for me! And then I get busy with work stuff or hanging out with friends and that unlocks something even cooler for me: getting to watch the rest of the game on YouTube.”

“Elden Ring looks fucking sick, though. Did you see how awesome the creatures looked in the trailer?” Roth continued. “I probably won’t actually get to fight any of those because they look like they’ll probably be late game or maybe even mid-game, but I’m definitely going to read about them on the Wikis!”

According to those close to the story, Roth’s friends don’t mind that he doesn’t ever finish games in what he calls his favorite genre.

“It’s a little weird that Tom is always going on about Souls games even though he’s barely actually played them, but it’s kind of nice because then he can’t tell that I’m making stuff up when I lie about the fact that I’ve finished them,” said Roth’s roommate Marilyn McDowell. “But who am I to judge? My favorite game of all time is Hollow Knight and I never even got past Hornet. Already pre-ordered Silksong.”

At press time, Roth decided that planning on not ever finishing Elden Ring was actually the best way to enjoy a work by George R.R. Martin.

‘Pokémon Unite’ Player Furious Teammate Is Playing Like a Child

Posted on August 27, 2021 by Kyp Maher

NASHUA, N.H. –– Local gamer Jose Ramirez, better known by the gamer tag Chadrizard_TTV, was reportedly incensed earlier today after repeatedly witnessing his teammate, Bradley2012, playing with the skill and intelligence of a child.

“Bro, you’re picking Slowbro? Why would you lock in a second tank when we clearly need support?” Said Ramirez, dumbfounded by his teammate’s naive, childish choice on the character select screen. “Does this guy not understand the meta at all or something? Oh, nice, then he hits me with the ‘Let’s have a good game!’ emote like a total asshole. How old is this guy, 11?”

The conflict apparently escalated when the two wound up paired together in-game.

“Why isn’t this idiot following up on my engage? I think it’s pretty clear that I’m trying to go for a quick turn-in into a bush gank,” lamented Ramirez, while his teammate wandered aimlessly around mid-field experimenting with different attack combos on thin air. “Is this his first MOBA or something? I would use voice chat to trash this guy to his face directly but he hasn’t even reached level 6 yet, what a loser.”

Things continued to deteriorate after another teamfight went poorly, knocking Ramirez out of the “Expert” ranking tier.

“Damnit, I don’t know what it is with Pokémon games, but every time I try to play one of them online, it’s like I’m walking into a middle school or something. Nobody can get their shit together in terms of strategy. It must be all these fucking tryhard premade groups I keep getting matched against, man. They’re completely sucking the fun out of this game.”

At press time, Ramirez was angered further after his teammate dropped out of the next match because his mother called him downstairs for dinner.

Sleepy Gamer Winds Down by Playing Switch in Bed for Three More Hours

Posted on August 27, 2021 by Ian Yamamoto

LOS ANGELES — After a long hard day of gaming, Thomas Ruiz decided to wind down by playing his Nintendo Switch for three more hours before going to sleep, according to sources.

“Man, what a long day,” said Ruiz, inspecting his tired reflection in the dim Switch screen before picking a game to dig into. “After my morning Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I watched four hours of IGN gaming news videos. Then I got hungry, so I made a cheese quesadilla for lunch. Then six hours of Apex Legends, another cheese quesadilla snack, followed by four hours of Guilty Gear Strive. Time to relax and play Puyo Puyo Tetris until I pass out and then do it all again tomorrow.”

Sleep expert Dr. Danica Wan says that too much screen time can have long-term health impacts.

“People come to me with sleep problems, and the first thing I tell them is to put their electronics outside their room an hour before bed, but no one ever actually does that,” said Wan. “Not even me. Look, I get it. Nobody wants to be alone with their thoughts. How else are people supposed to drown out the horrible voices in their heads without constant stimulation? It’s hard to unplug, but that’s why it’s important to game really hard during the day so you don’t prolong the issue into evening hours. I really recommend Slay the Spire, that shit is so addictive that I play it all day long and then crash-land into bed.”

Ruiz’s girlfriend Hotaru Ren said that his late night Switch gaming has definitely affected the quality of their relationship.

“I work a morning shift and I support both of us,” said Ren. “The lights and sounds from the Switch keep me up, not to mention the grunts Thomas makes when he gets 3-stocked in Super Smash Bros. while this dumbass wakes up at noon. I know that Thomas is clearly going through something right now, and that he’s medicating with video games, but something’s gotta give. Aren’t there any narrative video games about shitty boyfriends that he can binge that might help that message get through to him?”

At press time, Ruiz promised he would try to fix his sleeping habits by signing up for a Final Fantasy XIV account and giving up sleep entirely.

Nostalgic: This Dog Named Tamagotchi Also Died in Two Weeks

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Jus Kaplan

BANGOR, Maine — In news sure to make you feel like a nineties kid again, a labradoodle puppy named Tamagotchi has reportedly ceased its time on earth following an eventful life of two weeks.

“After years of successfully raising Nintendogs, me and my partner decided it was time to adopt a real life doggo of our very own,” said former puppy parent Faith Lowell. “We named him Tamagotchi in honor of our favorite childhood toy and made sure to give him constant love and attention so he’d live a happy, healthy life.”

The dedicated couple said they regularly played “guess the direction” with Tamagotchi in his shelter, a custom built egg-shaped crate with a small plexiglass viewing window. They even took turns sleeping so they could feed Tamagotchi a hamburger, bread, or cake every few hours just like the original 1996 digital companion required.

“Our Tamagotchi didn’t have a health meter so we really had no idea he wasn’t doing well,” said Lowell’s partner Maynard, who admits he was “a little sad” when he found the puppy unresponsive in his egg yesterday. “But hey, maybe one human day is like 15 years for them or something. That would mean he lived for a pretty long time. We are definitely going to try and keep the next one around even longer!”

This isn’t the first time the Lowells have dabbled in pet ownership. Last year, the pair adopted 25 hamsters, guinea pigs, and gerbils, which they collectively called their “Beanie Babies.”

“We kept our Beanie Babies in their original packaging so they wouldn’t get dirty or lost,” said Faith, smiling. “Right now they are napping peacefully in the freezer in our garage.”

At press time, The Lowells informed reporters they were looking into the adoption process for small children and planned to name their first kid either Polly Pocket or Cabbage Patch.

Conflicted Superman Realizes His Powers Have Been Increasing Due to Climate Change

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

METROPOLIS –– In a televised statement to the press this morning, the Man of Steel, Superman, regretfully acknowledged that although his powers have been steadily increasing over the course of the past century, he was now conflicted about wielding those powers due to the fact that they are directly linked to climate change.

“Citizens of Earth may already be familiar with the fact that my powers are a direct result of exposure to our yellow Sun,” said the last son of Krypton, visibly troubled with a look of consternation on his face. “However, after reviewing the IPCC’s latest climate report, it’s become clear that the effect that Earth’s Sun has on my powers has been steadily increasing along with the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and the average temperature of the planet over the past century. I cannot in good conscience continue to use my powers without acknowledging this troubling reality.”

Sources say the Man of Tomorrow then continued on, citing various scientific facts and figures from the climate report, and making promises to limit the frequency and scope of his various powers moving forward.

“Effective immediately, I will be using my cold, freezing breath power as a more sustainable alternative to my heat vision ability,” Superman said. “Also, although I am quite certain that I do not produce carbon emissions by flying, I will be working closely with the IPCC to make sure my entire climate impact is understood. Also, as always, I will be using my superhuman hearing at all times to collect the feedback of the people of Earth. None of my promises mean anything if I am not being accountable.”

Public reactions to Superman’s remarks were met with initial surprise and shock.

“Hey, did anyone notice when Superman put on a pair of glasses to read from the climate report during his speech?” Said Jimmy Olsen, a beat reporter for the Daily Planet covering Superman’s announcement. “Did he look weirdly familiar to anyone else right then?”

At press time, Superman also expressed general fear about the increasing temperature of the planet after noting that his Arctic ice palace, the Fortress of Solitude, had recently begun to melt.

Estate of MLK Says No Way He Would Floss Like That

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — The surviving next of kin of civil rights advocate Martin Luther King, Jr. have complained about the new historical mode in Fortnite, saying that the digital avatar’s dancing animations are glaringly inaccurate.

“Yeah, that’s just not at all how he would floss,” said Dexter King, surviving son of the late civil rights leader. “Not that flossing was around in the sixties, but it’s just that I know him, I know how he moved, and that’s not at all how he would pull that maneuver. He wouldn’t smile and mug for the camera like that. He’d lock eyes with you, as if to say, ‘Until we all can floss, none of us should floss.’”

The controversy centers around the new March Through Time exhibit that was announced today, a joint venture between Fortnite and Time magazine to pay tribute to the civil rights icon and give players an opportunity to watch his famous ‘I have a dream’ speech from the steps of the Washington Monument in game, albeit with one controversial addition.

“We know it’s a bit of an odd decision, but we are very interested in using our platform to educate our audience about important moments in history,” said Stanley Hale, an executive at Epic Games. “However, at the end of the day, it is still a game and we still want to entertain, so that’s why we had Dr. King sign off with a few of our famous dance moves. Whoa, look at him go! Shake it, don’t break it, Doctor King, Junior, sir!”

Many who attended the event, which launched today, said the mixing of online shooters and historical figures fell short, despite noble intentions.

“I get what they’re doing, and I suppose I appreciate it,” said Jamie Spence, a Fortnite player that checked the event out. “If they can make learning about civil rights history fun, I’m all for that. However, MLK closing the speech with two minutes of dance moves and poses doesn’t really ring true for me. And he never really said that shit about 40 acres and a Loot Llama, did he? I think they deepfaked that part.”

As of press time, players can visit the Lincoln Memorial and The National Mall inside of Fortnite, and for 1,000 V-Bucks they can unlock an FBI skin and shoot MLK.

Casual Game of ‘Clue’ Alerts Child to Amount of Murder Weapons in Home

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

CHESAPEAKE, Va. — Worried family members have confirmed that an ordinary round of the classic board game Clue alerted local child Dylan Cresswell as to just how many accessible objects in his home could be implemented into violent instruments of homicide.

“I didn’t even think twice about it,” said Glenn, Dylan’s father, after starting up a game of Clue during a recent power outage. “I was going on about how we used to play these classics before we had things like portable games and wi-fi, and I just grabbed the first game I saw. A little bit into explaining the rules, Dylan just got really caught up on the wrenches and ropes in the game, and how he didn’t realize you could do bad things with those. It took us a little while to get started as I had to explain some bigger picture stuff, like strangulation and where you’d hit a guy with a wrench to kill him.”

The game hit several delays once it began, as Dylan kept asking about other ways his character might have brutally murdered someone.

“I’m in the Billiard Room, is there a chance I bludgeoned someone to death with a pool cue, Father?” Dylan asked. “I think I’m getting the hang of this. Oh, maybe a pool ball, too? Maybe I used the red pool ball so the caked blood wouldn’t give me away. It was me, in the Billiard Room, with the 3-ball. Am I doing this right? Oh, what fun I’m having, Father!”

Once the boy started wondering about other objects surrounding him at all times that he may turn against his loved ones should he desire, the mood surrounding the game changed quickly.

“We never even finished that stupid game,” said Cassie, Dylan’s younger sister. “He just kept asking Dad about the different things in the house. ‘Could I kill a man with a broom? Could I kill a man with a frying pan? Could I kill a man with dental floss?’ Just on and on and on. These old board games are so boring!”

As of press time, Dylan had sharpened a pencil and was just kind of looking at it in his hand.

Nintendo Sues Guy for Saying They Should Put N64 Games on the Switch

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

DALLAS — The notoriously litigious Nintendo corporation has set its sights on their latest target: a guy who was recently overheard saying they should really get some Nintendo 64 games up on Nintendo Switch’s online service.

“Boy, I’m in deep shit now,” said Ernest Wall, who made the declaration without realizing it would make its way to Nintendo’s lawyers. “I didn’t realize talking about what they should do with their properties would be enough to get dinged for a lawsuit, but honestly with Nintendo I should’ve expected it. Lawyer says there’s no way these charges stick, but even so, it’s gonna be a long couple of months dealing with this shit. So much for my trip up north next month. Instead I have to appear in court and testify that I am not doing game piracy.”

The lawsuit is the latest in a series that have seen Nintendo target ROM sites and fan made games, among other perceived invasions of their IP.

“These Nintendo games are Nintendo products, simple as that,” said Austin Jennings, a lawyer representing Nintendo in the lawsuit. “That means the unlawful reproduction, manufacturing, selling, manipulating, or just generally talking out loud about what we could be doing with them all are all violations of our intellectual property rights. How are we supposed to do our jobs when we are under such constant attack?”

Many in the gaming community echo the opinion that Nintendo has been underwhelming with their online selection of classic titles lately.

“Look, don’t get me wrong, there’s some really great throwback stuff on the Switch already,” said someone who was into it. “Some of the best titles in gaming history. But those have all been there for a while at this point. In the meantime we’re getting shit like Jelly Boy and Spanky’s Quest while these assholes are sitting on Mario 64 and Ocarina of Time. Maybe stop suing everybody and get on that, I don’t know.”

As of press time, Nintendo apologized for not yet having Nintendo 64 titles available online, and said they would make it up to players by giving them six SNES games they’ve never heard of next month, up from the usual three.

Cosplayer Starting to Worry That Nobody at This Applebee’s Has Seen ‘Attack on Titan’

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Camden Brazile

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Local cosplayer Dennis Harrison experienced a crisis in a local Applebee’s on Wednesday, as he slowly came to the resignation that nobody there had ever seen the anime, Attack on Titan, that his costume was based on.

“So at first the waiter just kind of looked at me strangely while I ordered my Brunch Burger, and then went off to whisper to the manager and some other staff. I thought they were talking about how epic and accurate my cosplay was, but instead they came back and labeled me a ‘distraction’ and asked me to leave the restaurant,” Harrison said. “I told them they should really check out Attack on Titan, and explained how if they would just sit down and watch at least the whole first season this would be way less awkward, but they were adamant.”

Christina Meyers, lead server and hostess at the Springfield Applebees detailed her side of the story.

“It’s not Halloween, there’s no convention going on, I cannot explain why this guy is in a stupid naked meat guy costume on a Wednesday evening. He clearly put on hours of wardrobe and makeup and then arrived to dine in at Applebees alone. It was kind of sad,” Meyers explained. “He kept asking me if I wanted to take a picture with him, and I kept shooting him down. From the looks of things, nobody in the whole building had seen his stupid Japanese show he kept blathering on about. When my shift ended I caught him crying in his car as intricate makeup streamed down his face.”

As of press time, Harrison has been banned permanently from all Applebee’s locations, but when asked what he is preparing to wear to New York Comic Con next month, he shrugged, and said, “jeans and a tee shirt, probably.”

Confused Mega Man Gains Card Counting Ability After Defeating Rain Man

Posted on August 26, 2021 by Walker MacDonald

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Iconic video game protagonist Mega Man found himself confused in a bizarre mix up Thursday after defeating and absorbing the abilities of elderly autistic man Raymond Babbitt.

“Definitely not what I expected, definitely not,” said the Blue Bomber as he stood hunched, slightly rocking back and forth. “Definitely not an evil robot aesthetically themed on and around rain, my mistake, my fault. Definitely my bad.”

Staff at the Walbrook Institute; the facility that cared for and housed Babbitt, were shocked and disappointed that the incident was allowed to take place under their noses.

“We’re mortified about what happened to Ray, but it feels like a piece of him lives on in that robot. The weird number thing, specifically,” explained one Walbrook employee. “He was supposed to have a visitor around this time, an estranged brother or something, but we never could’ve predicted this. Some eyebrows were raised when we saw an amputee in blue tights walk in but we figured he was, y’know, like him. We don’t pass judgements here.”

Aforementioned brother of the deceased, Charlie Babbitt, appeared to be relatively lax about the situation when approached for comment.

“Listen, as far as I’m concerned, he’s just my brother with an arm cannon now. I don’t care what I gotta babysit, I’m getting the money and the Buick,” Charlie Babbitt snidely remarked. “Besides, I hear this savant shit’s got some up sides. I’m taking him down to Vegas this weekend, see if we can’t count some cards. Or maybe fight an evil mad scientist.”

At press time, it has been confirmed upon arriving in Las Vegas that Mega Man and his pseudo relative were very successful at poker tables before the child robot broke loose from Babbitt’s supervision and attacked the casino’s owner. We understand that he is, as of now, de facto owner of the venue.

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