Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Conservative YouTuber Convention to Be Held Inside Truck Parked In Front of Convention Center

Posted on August 23, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

PHOENIX — The conservative YouTuber convention “ConCon” will be held inside a truck parked in front of the Phoenix Convention Center.

“It’s incredible how many patriots are planning to make it all the way out here for this event. We’ve got people coming in from all around the world,” said event coordinator Jesse Muldoon from the driver’s seat of his 2018 Dodge Ram. “I’m gonna have to clear out some space in the back seat for sure.”

Muldoon claims that the Conservative Convention, or “ConCon” for short, was supposed to take place inside the convention center but that they had to change locations because they were being “suppressed by the liberal convention center committee.”

“We have no records of a conservative YouTube convention or a Jesse Muldoon ever reaching out to us, but it’s true that you have to show proof of vaccination to enter the building,” responded Phoenix Convention Center operator Guff Darrenson. “We definitely aren’t trying to suppress conservative voices. I mean Toby Keith is performing that night for god’s sake.”

ConCon attendees aren’t upset about the new location, however.

“It’s better this way,” Muldoon remarked as he looked around the cabin of his truck. “This is where all the great conservative thinkers of our time come to talk anyway! This is our salon. It’s our forum. Just like the danged Agora was for Pluto and So-crats.”

But not all visitors are as positive about the convention’s location as Muldoon.

“We’re meeting in Jesse’s truck? Goddammit,” bemoaned Muldoon’s cousin Tommy Wheeler, who is flying in from Sydney, Australia. “His truck smells like butt. He tries to cover it up with air freshener but it just makes it smell like he put a mint up his asshole. So nasty.”

As of press time, Muldoon has been posting a series of videos on his YouTube channel “Blue Collar Confucius” claiming Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is preventing Toby Keith from performing in his truck bed.

Barron Trump Threatens to Continue Growing Until He Gets a PS5

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Lucas Johnson

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Standing at 6 feet, 7 inches, Barron Trump, the son of former President Donald Trump, announced that he will continue to grow until his parents finally buy him a PlayStation 5.

“It started off innocently enough. At first, we could offer him V-bucks, just to get him to slow things down for a minute,” his nanny said. “But in the end, that only made him more insatiable.”

Sources close to the family confirmed that Barron’s mother Melania has become fed up.

“I tell him, ‘You have the Xbox. You have the Nintendo. Can’t you just wait until Christmas?’ Melania reportedly complained to a friend. “But then he answers with this booming, feral voice, ‘I will not wait until Christmas. I want to play as Miles Morales now.’”

When reminded that Spider Man: Miles Morales was also available on the PS4, Trump reportedly grew another 4 inches on the spot.

Despite being the child of a billionaire, Trump’s demands were difficult to meet in the scarce PS5 market. With time running short, security advisors suggested buying one on Ebay. However, former President Trump refused to pay a cent above the retail price.

“He needs to buy his son one of those damn consoles before it’s too late,” said renowned geologist Martin Anderson. “If he continues to grow at this pace, the Florida swampland will no longer be able to sustain his weight. He could sink the entire Mar-a-Lago Resort.”

When asked to comment, Barron swallowed an entire family pack of ramen noodles whole and said, “Barron want gamer fuel! Barron want gamer fuel!”

Anthropologists Discover Humanity’s Earliest Cosplay

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

SAN FELICE CIRCEO, Italy — A recent archeological excavation has unearthed what many are certain are the physical remnants of man’s first cosplay, a Homo erectus inside a crudely made Sonic the Hedgehog costume.

“He’s doing Sonic, it’s super obvious,” said Jasmine Lyons, an anthropologist from The University of Arizona who’s been participating in the dig. “There’s been some erosion in the condition of his costume, but there’s no doubt about it, these fibers have been physically dyed blue by someone who really, really wanted to get it just the right color. We’ve never seen anything like it. Many of my peers think that video games predate cosplaying, but today might be the beginning of the end of that outdated school of thought.”

As she alluded to, many of Lyons’ peers loudly doubted the probability that the specimen was dressed as the iconic Sega mascot.

“I really, really have trouble believing that,” said Silas Reid, an outspoken skeptic who was also present at the scene. “First of all, Sonic the Hedgehog was originally released in 1991, I cannot overstate the importance of this fact. Secondly, what would the purpose be? Certainly you’re not claiming that they had conventions inside of the caves. As far as the bright red shoes we found on him, I have no compelling counterargument, but we’re looking into it. There has to be a scientific explanation.”

Fans of the Sonic franchise were surprised and delighted to learn of the scientific community’s findings.

“Hell yeah, that caveman’s alright with me,” said Ben Acevedo, a huge Sonic fan who just happened to be at the dig as well. “Just like Sonic Adventure made us throw out everything we thought we knew about Sonic the Hedgehog, this discovery will surely make everyone throw out everything they thought they knew about cavemen. Look at Sonic, bringing us closer in touch with our ancestors.”

As of press time, Lyons was lobbying to get the third picture in the standard evolution chart to be replaced with the caveman in a Sonic suit.

Uninsured Neo Can’t Afford Red or Blue Pill

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Christoph von Münchow

CHICAGO — Uninsured computer programmer Thomas A. Anderson, known eponymously as Neo, has been prohibited from making a decision between two life-altering pharmaceutical oral dosages due to his lack of private health coverage.

“I’m not gonna lie, this is a huge letdown,” explained Neo, 37. “First these guys in black suits show up to my apartment and start interrogating me. Then this bald dude in a trench coat and sunglasses tells me that I can take this cool red pill and then he starts talking about rabbit holes. I was all, ‘hell yeah,’ until he told me I needed to hand over my insurance card first. Blue pill, red pill, doesn’t matter. I’m just gonna ride it out and see how I feel.”

Neo’s rejection from seeing the true world was not new. Morpheus, age unknown, explained that private insurance is a basic requisite for onboarding the Nebuchadnezzar.

“There’s two pills. Two options. But you can’t expect me to just hand either one of them over without some kind of guarantee of coverage. Otherwise my crew and I would be facing a huge liability,” Morpheus insisted. “We don’t even know if this guy is the Chosen One, but suddenly we’re expected to pay for all of his medical expenses — primary and preventive — even if he ends up being just some random guy we were wrong about? Pass.”

Now unable to pay for either the red or blue medications, Neo found himself stuck in medical limbo without a legitimate way out, like millions of uninsured Americans.

“So let me get this straight: not only can I not take the high-end, effective red pill, but I can’t take the blue one either? The one that just lets me wake up and forget about all of this?” Neo asked. “Don’t they have a generic brand I can get with a GoodRx or something? God this system is so fucked. It’s like we’re living in a simulation or some shit.”

Neo later purchased a subsidized private plan that allowed him to choose a pill, but he was unable to afford the copay on the actual prescription.

Huge Marvel Fans Bully Kid for Reading Comic Book

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

ORLANDO, Fla. — A recently resumed classroom was the site of an ugly situation yesterday, as a group of Marvel Cinematic Universe fans reportedly bullied local student Rory Hughes after he was seen reading a comic book.

“What are you reading, you fucking loser?” asked Ty King, 11, as he pummeled Hughes on the ground. “Looks like four eyes over here hasn’t ever heard of Disney+. Hey guys, help me get Bookie’s book away from him then he’ll HAVE to watch the movies. This total dork. Why would you read a comic book adaptation of a movie, anyway?”

The children reportedly had no idea just how quickly Marvel properties had transitioned from being considered nerdy to the mainstream status they’ve known all their lives.

“Things have changed so much around here,” said Ron Bass, a sixth grade Algebra teacher. “When I was a kid, if I was seen reading a Guardians of the Galaxy comic, I just got beat up for being a nerd, not for consuming Marvel stuff the wrong way. I’m not even sure what these kids are getting so mad about; they seem like pretty big fans! I saw them beat a kid for not understanding the consequences of the finale of one of the Disney+ series.”

The victim of the bullying reportedly didn’t expect that his chosen method of enjoying everyone’s favorite characters would draw the ire of his classmates.

“I don’t get it, everyone’s got either a Captain America backpack or Black Panther T-shirt, why do I keep getting taunted for merely reading the source material,” asked Hughes, shortly after the incident occured. “They tell me I’m making them look like a bunch of nerds by association and that if I don’t start ranking the movies or talking about the trailers for the new stuff that’s coming out, they’re gonna keep kicking the shit out of me. Maybe I should just start playing Roblox.”

As of press time, Hughes had started tucking his Marvel comic books into DC comic books so as not to draw the rage of the MCU kids.

Total Bummer: Mysterious VHS Tape Found In Forest Just Porn

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Gabe Porter

RICHMOND, Va. — Local paranormal enthusiast Walker Burroughs’ latest trip through the woods reportedly ended with disappointment after he realized that the unmarked tape he discovered contained only pornography.

“I was really hopeful for this one after I found it discarded deep in the forest,” said Burroughs, who regularly stalks his nearby woods for evidence of the paranormal. “It didn’t have any labels or anything! It even had a weird spooky kind of ooze coating it, which I actually don’t want to think about now. I’ve always wanted to stumble upon some kind of cursed tape or lost footage detailing the last moments of a group of friends facing some unnatural entity. Instead, I just ended up watching all two hours of Clit Combatant 8. No ghosts ever showed up in the video, sadly. And believe me, I scanned each frame of that sweaty sensual activity to try and find something actually good.”

Burrough’s antics have been noticed by several of the crew that work around the park and trail.

“It ain’t the first time he’s been perusing the forest trying to find proof of some kinda ghoul or other creature,” said Park Ranger Brick Wilbur, who seemed visibly uncomfortable to even be discussing this at all. “Just last week I caught him digging all around. Most he ever found were a couple of teeth and a raccoon skull that he swore was an alien’s. I don’t know what else he expects. He barely even enters the woods, he mainly just sticks to that trail where people trade porn videos with one another.”

Burroughs says the disappointment that he’s faced has steadily decreased as he has examined his findings more closely.

“You know what? This video is actually pretty interesting,” Burroughs said while frantically rewinding it. “Maybe there is something here, I just need to watch it one more time.” Burroughs then claimed he needed alone time and hastily ended the interview.

Streamers Invade SWAT Guy’s House to See How He Likes It

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — SWAT Commander Walker Porter reported an unexpected disturbance in his home when an alleged seven Twitch streamers breached his apartment at approximately 6 p.m. last night.

“We wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine, see how he likes his home being swarmed with men all of a sudden,” said streamer Gabe MacDonald, being shoved into a squad car. “That’ll show him the next time he wants to mess with streamers, he’ll remember that one time we slightly inconvenienced him. We thought he would be streaming, or at least gaming, but he was in the middle of dinner with his wife and infant daughter, which is kind of a let down. His chat didn’t get to freak out, but I think his elderly mother who he takes care of would have pogged if she didn’t instantly die due to a heart attack.”

Commander Porter reflected on how this turning of the tables will affect his actions in the future.

“Credit where credit is due, I did not like it. These boys taught me a thing or two about empathy,” Porter said. “It really made me reflect on how my actions affect other people, and next time I try to apprehend someone committing a felony, I’ll try to keep the Golden Rule in mind, you know? This ruined my night, and I didn’t even have a competitive CS:GO match that was interrupted or anything. But that’s life! At the end of the day, I think we can all agree: being a cop is really hard.”

According to those familiar with the situation, MacDonald is happy that they performed the raid, even if he was arrested.

“I think this was a really important lesson for him to learn, and I’m glad we got to broaden someone’s perspective,” MacDonald said. “I guess if I had any regrets, it’s that he did brutally kill each of the other streamers one by one until I explained it was just a prank.”

Activision Issues a Couple New Apologies Just to Stay Ahead of Everything

Posted on August 21, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision has issued several preemptive apologies today, seemingly trying to stay ahead of whatever the next few shocking allegations against them are.

“Let me begin today by just generally apologizing for all the shit the public doesn’t know about yet,” began today’s press release issued by Bobby Kotick, the beleaguered CEO of Activision Blizzard “In the days and weeks ahead we are almost certainly going to come under fire for something. Could be anything, really. Inconsistent salaries amongst our male and female employees, unconscionable requests to work nights and weekends with minimal incentive, or I don’t know, something even worse. Lord knows we have some sick puppies on the payroll. Please just know that we’re sorry, we’re going to do better, and we’re going to continue to say whatever we need to say to try and sell more video games.”

The apologies, which come on the heels of employee walkouts and damning media reports, are just the latest attempt to try to smooth relations from the once adored publisher.

“I think the apologies show tremendous growth,” said Clementine Bonner, an employee that’s been with the company for several years. “With these speculative acknowledgements of wrongdoing, Activision Blizzard has evolved from a company that is publicly sorry only when all of their transgressions are made public, to a company that will get out ahead of the bad PR and issue generic apologies before the allegations are even made. All of today’s toxic game companies could really learn a thing from this class act we’ve seen today.”

Others in the video games industry bemoaned the potential changing of expectations for game studios.

“Oh, well this is just fucking super,” said Bob Panaman, a PR spokesperson for Riot Games, Fullbright Studios, Rockstar Games, and Naughty Dog. “So let me get this straight, we have to start apologizing before the inhuman treatment of workers is publicized? You get how ridiculous that sounds, don’t you? How are we supposed to know which of our abhorrent practices are the ones that have upset everybody?”

As of press time, Activision had apologized for whatever insensitive language and misinformation was probably in the apologies they’d issued earlier.

36-Year-Old Gamer Hoping Mom Lets Him Buy Vice City This Time Around

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SEATTLE — News of an upcoming remaster of several classic Grand Theft Auto titles has left a local gamer hoping his mother will allow him to purchase Vice City this time around.

“Last time I was pissed, but looking back I totally get it,” said Davey Barnes, who was 17 years old and a senior in high school when the game was originally released. “But now I’m in my late thirties, I’ve had some successful relationships, and I have been really, really good lately. I have my own money to buy the game this time, even. Still though, if she still doesn’t think I’m mature enough to handle it, I’m totally fucked.”

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, was an immensely popular entry into the series of games. The ode to ‘80s properties such as Scarface and Miami Vice was the top selling video game of 2002

“Oh yeah, I remember this Voice City thing,” said Barnes’ mother, Debbie Barnes. “Davey was so excited to get it so I read about it and they said there was cocaine, swearing, hookers, all of that. No way, not my little guy. As far as this new version that’s coming out; I’m sorry, is there an age that these things become appropriate for my little boy? No, I’m afraid the fact that he hasn’t become a mass murder imitating these things he’s seen in the game is proof that my parenting is working. I can’t take this chance now.”

Rockstar Games admitted that the games’ content may exceed what is appropriate for certain people of certain ages.

“Look, no one will ever mistake any of our games as titles that are appropriate for the entire family,” said Dennis Stenhouse, an executive at Rockstar Games. “If this woman doesn’t want her son to play the game, well I not only understand that, I support it. I’m sorry? The boy is 38 years old? Oh. Well, damn. Hoping he can get her to change her mind. That’s downright embarrassing.”

As of press time, Barnes was looking up his old friend Craig on Facebook to ask him if he’d be able to come over and play his copy when it came out.

Hard to Say If New Indie Game Looks Incredible or Boring

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

FORT WORTH, Texas — An independently produced video game’s premiere trailer recently left viewers wondering aloud whether the game looked absolutely captivating or like a total bore.

“We had no idea our preview would become this polarizing,” said Denny Roach, who recently previewed his debut creation A Place For Sticks, a game where you run around and pick up sticks. “It started as a little demo I made because I was teaching myself Unreal, and a few of my friends said it was actually pretty fun, and so I said ‘Hey, why not?’ and decided to finish my stick game. Now I’m getting thousands of messages a day, some begging me to finish the game, some pleading with me not to.”

The trailer, showcasing a few of the levels and features of the work in progress, has been viewed over three million times on YouTube and features almost identical numbers of upvotes and downvotes.

“This is game of the year shit,” said one highly rated comment, from StarDudeVallee. “I like how the real time mechanics line up with the accurate day/night cycle and the RNG attached to anything happening or not looks to skew on the chill side. The gathering mechanics are pretty original. This shit is pure vibes, and I cannot wait to see the finished version. Ignore the comments that say this is a big empty game where all you do is walk around and pick up sticks. Every great piece of art is misunderstood in its own time. Oh, and the sticks look great!”

Still, while many lauded the game’s scope and innovation, others questioned the appeal of a game that simply tasked you to collect twigs with no variations in the main gameplay loop.

“I’m still not sure we need to turn every job and activity we can think of into a game,” said Grant Marnswarth, a games journalist. “We’ve drifted away from the escapism that video games were meant to provide us in the first place. We’re spending our hard earned money and free time pretending to mow lawns and flip burgers and meanwhile there are entire days of World War II that haven’t been adapted yet. This is a bleak trend for the future of video games.”

As of press time, a special edition of A Place For Sticks was announced that includes a real stick.

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