LOS ANGELES — Hollywood superstar and presumptive presidential candidate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson held a press conference today, apparently to kind of just say “what’s up” to everybody that tuned in.
“Wow, I really thought he was going to finally announce his intentions to run for President,” said Kate Wheeler, a local reporter. “But no, he just said hi and asked how we were doing in that charming way of his, and in general I think we all liked him a little bit more by the end of it. It was honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed one of these in years. But wait, what was the point of this exactly?”
The press conference, announced just this morning, saw Johnson come out to his old wrestling theme music and share some prepared remarks before a hastily gathered press.
“Hey, what’s up, America?” began Johnson’s speech. “I know we’re going through a lot right now, and heck, we’re kind of always going through a lot. And I know that can be hard. Really damn hard. But I just wanted to say ‘Hey’ and that I hope everyone’s doing alright, and that they’re getting through okay. This will conclude my remarks at this time. Thank you everybody.”
Media pundits were off to the races following the swift press conference.
“He’s running, it couldn’t be more obvious!” exclaimed Bunton Chuster, co-host of MSNBC’s They Said WHAT?! “I don’t think he’ll officially announce anything until, oh, I don’t know, the day before the election or something. But he’s been campaigning for longer than any of us realize.”
“He can figure out the politics and stuff later,” he added.
As of press time, President Joe Biden had challenged Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to a bare knuckle brawl for the presidency, with the stipulation of “no funny business.”