Hard Drive Apologizes to Elon Musk for Dunking on Him Too Hard

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Mr. Elon Musk,

As a satire website, Hard Drive prides itself on delivering our readers funny, insightful, and often searing comedy about video games and the culture around them. But that mission does not shield us from responsibility, and we will always be the first to admit when we’ve gone too far. With that in mind, Hard Drive would like to formally apologize for dragging Mr. Musk so hard that not even his nearly 100 million Twitter followers could save him from getting ratioed several times in the span of 20 minutes.

The regrettable incident happened on May 30 — Memorial Day, disrespectfully — when Elon Musk shared a screenshot on Twitter of a woke Hard Drive article “Zodiac Killer Letter Solved by Opening it with VLC Media Player.” The image, shared without a link to the corresponding article, was cropped to cut out the Hard Drive watermark that appears on every one of our header images.

We initially let our emotions get the better of us when we responded with “hey i’ll give you a horse if you stop cropping our name off our articles.” 

 

We not only apologize for that clapback, but for the fact that we used it to reference reports that Elon Musk allegedly sexually harassed a SpaceX flight attendant by showing his penis to her and offering to buy her a horse. We should have kept our mouths shut, much like the flight attendant Musk allegedly harassed, who was reportedly paid $250,000 by SpaceX to stay silent on the claim in a severance agreement.

We have to admit that we were stunned when Mr. Musk quickly put us in our place by pointing out that the original joke was only a “6/10.” It was never our intention to write a middling piece of comedy that Mr. Musk would find on the internet and willfully share with his followers. As a video game publication, we understand how serious a 6/10 review is. It’s practically a 0.

We should have stopped there, but we persisted by sharing an article titled “Elon Musk Admits He Wants To Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet” — a shameful response that at the time of writing has racked up over 45,000 likes. We apologize on behalf of all 45,000 of these people, as well.

Once again, Mr. Musk tried to put us in our place by pointing out that the joke was “less funny than SNL on a bad day.” 

That one hit us hard. This next part is difficult to write.

In response, we shared a picture of Elon Musk’s 2021 appearance on Saturday Night Live — an episode that The Guardian called “brutally awkward” — in which he is dressed as Wario, with the caption “well you’re the expert on SNL’s bad days.” At the time of writing, that post has 62,000 likes, eclipsing Musk’s SNL retort which sits at under 4,000 — despite the fact that Elon Musk has nearly 100 million Twitter followers, while Hard Drive has under 250,000. As Elon Musk said in his riotously funny SNL sketch Gen Z Hospital, “big yikes!”

As Mr. Musk was quick to point out, the reaction serves as a harsh lesson to comedy sites like ourselves. “The reason you’re not funny is because you’re woke,” Musk tweeted shortly after actively sharing a meme that he thought was funny. “Wokism is a lie, which is why no one laughs.” We take that feedback to heart, as we feel it likely explains why Hard Drive was nationally trending on Twitter after the incident. No one is laughing on this dark day.

Ultimately, we hear Mr. Musk’s assessment about woke comedy. When we wrote about the Zodiac Killer, we should have considered that our joke could be potentially alienating to readers who support — or were — the 1960s mass murderer who was never caught by police. Comedy should always leave room for differences of opinion on serial killers and also VLC Media player, which was an unfortunate piece of collateral damage in the exchange.

We hope that Mr. Musk will accept our sincerest apologies. We should have known that it was unwise to go toe-to-toe with a billionaire who’s famous for his ability to deliver epic clapbacks to his critics (like when Mr. Musk called a diver who rescued children from a flooded cave a pedophile). From now on, we vow to put aside petty quarrels and use our platform to highlight issues that really matter — like the reportedly “nightmarish conditions” in Tesla factories, which have been likened to “modern-day sweatshops.”

Sincerely, Hard Drive

Elon Musk Offers to Buy Rake He Stepped On

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — CEO of Tesla and entrepreneur Elon Musk has reportedly made a public offering to buy a rake he recently stepped on that smashed him in the face. 

“Aha, very shrewd, rake,” said Musk, directly to the rake on the ground. “I see you, like many of the other embarrassing things I’ve been injuring myself on lately, have fallen victim to the ‘woke’ mindset that sees you seek out and tear down those with ideas counterintuitive to yours. I don’t respect your approach, rake, but I would like to invest in your future. How much to buy you straight up?”

Eyewitness accounts estimated that Musk waited for as long as ten minutes before realizing the rake wasn’t going to respond to his lucrative offer. 

“A lot of us gathered once we realized who it was,” said Tracy Brooks, one of many onlookers. “And after a while we were yelling out, stuff like, ‘Hey Elon, that rake ain’t gonna answer you!’ and ‘You’re bleeding from the nose, Elon!,’ but he just kept on standing there, staring at the rake. Eventually I think he realized nothing was going to happen, so he just made an announcement that he’d been joking the whole time and got the hell out of there. I hope he went and got some help, his nose looked really bad.” 

“And to think, he wouldn’t have stepped on that rake in the first place if he just had some yellow caution signs up,” Brooks said. “But he hates the color.”

As of press time, Musk had announced intentions to shoot the rake into space.

Fantastic Four Movie Underway After Disney Acquires Ownership of John Krasinski

Posted on by Camden Brazile

BURBANK, Calif. — Marvel Studios made a titanic announcement today, officially greenlighting a Fantastic Four movie after finally acquiring ownership of John Krasinski.

“The fans demanded it for so long, we decided we had to deliver,” said Marvel Studios head Kevin Feige. “It was a tough acquisition, but the MCU has found its official Reed Richards now that we purchased John Krasinski when the rights to him became available. He’s ecstatic to join our team, live at our compound, and play the iconic Fantastic Four leader until he shuffles off this mortal coil. Owning John opens up so many opportunities for the MCU, and he’ll be making all sorts of fun cameos and doing hilarious press interviews. Kevin Feige intends to get what he paid for, yes he does.”

Krasinski announced his new life with the MCU was an exciting next chapter for his career.

“As a recent auteur director, I was worried about being associated with superhero movies,” Krasinski said. “But when they explained their vision for the film, let me read the script, and showed me a live feed of my children at school that day, I was convinced to come aboard the Marvel train. I signed a five picture and one lifetime contract; I can’t wait to don that blue jumpsuit for all the MCU fans who waited for years. I was never a giant Marvel fan, but when I see all those smiling kids lining up outside theaters from my new Disney containment unit, it makes it all worth it.”

At press time, sources at Marvel confirmed Krasinski’s wife, Emily Blunt, was taking a meeting to play Sue Storm in a desperate attempt to see her husband one last time on set. 

Netflix Reveals Japanese Toddlers From ‘Old Enough!’ Have Been Running the Company for Months

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix CEO Reed Hastings revealed this week that the company’s recent $54B financial loss was primarily due to one main factor, namely that toddler’s from the hit Japanese series “Old Enough!” have been running the company for months.

“I know it sounds crazy, but at the time, putting these amazing toddlers in charge of the largest streaming company in the world just felt right. These adorable, miniature humans showed so much initiative running errands all by themselves like buying groceries, talking to shopkeepers, and giving tens of millions of dollars to stand-up comedians,” said Hastings. “In retrospect, maybe we got a bit cocky dominating the industry for so many years that we took an undue risk just for the challenge. Turns out the kids spent more time dicking around opening and closing doors than they did studying our key business metrics.”

Yuka Nakamura, a three-year-old from the show who was hired as SVP of Corporate Strategy, explained how it all went down.

“I was leaving for the market to pick up some Kawatsu shrimp for my mom, when Mr. Reed called to say he was so proud of us becoming a hit that he wanted to put me in charge of subscriber retention and growth,” explained a fidgety Nakamura. “I told him I was just a little kid who can’t even tie my own shoes yet, but that I’d get right on it after my nap. Well one nap turned into two, then another, then next thing I know he’s calling back to complain about the plunging stock price and that he regretted hiring me. Hey, do you like puppies?” 

Long-time Netflix user Jaime Brennagan chimed in with her suspicion that something was amiss at the popular streamer.

“I’ve been a huge Netflix fan for years, but recently I noticed they were making some strange programming decisions,” complained Brennagan. “They started canceling some of their most critically acclaimed shows only after a season or two which didn’t make sense, until we heard that they appointed a two-year-old named Hiroki as VP of Programming and Original Content. Apparently, he outsourced his work to an even younger kid who made his decisions on an absolute fucking whim. Even though they let him go, I think he definitely has a bright future in the corporate world with a boss move like that.”

“I just hope all the union-busting was coming from those rascally kids,” Brennagan added, “and not my beloved Netflix executives.”

At press time, both toddlers were headed to Netflix headquarters for their exit interviews when they spotted a butterfly in the parking lot that they just had to chase. 

Parents Unsure How to Explain to Kids That Family Cat Has Digivolved Into Angewomon

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

SAN ANTONIO — Local parents Susan and Greg Shaw have reportedly struggled to explain the concept of digivolution to their two children after the family cat digivolved into Angewomon two days prior, sources confirm.

“You see kids, when a cat gets up there in age, they have to temporarily morph into a digital champion, to, uh, save the digital world,” explained a visibly red Greg Shaw, nodding towards the members of his family. “It’s all a normal part of a Digimon’s life. And so it just so happens that, from time to time, our beloved cat will digivolve into a sexy angel anime lady. It’s natural and beautiful.”

Those close to the situation reveal that the children were first stunned to learn about their pet’s true nature, but eventually opened up to the idea of housing and raising a six-foot tall, six-winged grown woman.

“I guess it makes sense our cat was a digimon the whole time,” said Dustin Shaw,11, the oldest of the Shaw children. “That would explain why she hatched from an egg, could stand on two feet, and also commanded a full mastery of the English language. I think it’s actually kind of sick that she can turn into a scantily-clad angel woman at will to fight evil Digimon. I just hope it doesn’t stir any weird awakenings ahead of my encroaching pubescence.”

The parents reportedly took the time to set new rules for the household regarding the responsibilities of raising the family pet.

“There’s gonna be some changes from here on out.” reminded Susan Shaw. “First of all, Angewomon will need the freedom to leave the house at will so she can fight Myotismon’s army of evil Digimon that have been sent to the real world through the dimensional gate. Make sure she doesn’t get too close to the neighbor’s Aquilamon, otherwise they might DNA digivolve together into Silphymon.  And don’t let her sleep on your bed anymore. That goes for us too, Greg.”

At press time, Angewomon had once again digivolved into Ophanimon, prompting another family huddle.

DEAL ALERT: Mom Says We Can Pick Out One Game at GameStop If We Behave in Church

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CALLING ALL GAMERS! Get excited boys and girls, because a huge deal just got announced for any video game fan to take advantage of. Mom, the woman who takes care of us and reaches our juice boxes in the fridge, has just released the hottest new bargain of the summer. If we can behave ourselves in Mass this Sunday, all the way through Communion without causing a ruckus, Mom has reluctantly agreed to buy us any one game we want from GameStop on the way home.

This is unprecedented for gamers, so act fast. Make sure that nobody blows it for us by making silly faces or noises during Deacon Chris’ homily, no matter how boring it may be. Our insider information has revealed that the second reading is going to be a letter from Paul to the Corintheans, so it’s going to be difficult to stay awake and not pretend to be jumping sick monster trucks over the pews in front of us, but we’re up for the challenge. 

It’s not all good news, however, as Mom has just confirmed that she will need to comb our hair before we leave, and we may have to put our shoes on all by ourselves, but everything in life worth having takes hard work. This deal will not last long, so run, do not walk to your local parish and walk, do not run, up to receive the host like a good boy. 

At press time, sources reported Mom may in fact be amenable to McDonald’s on the way home if we pick our game quickly and make sure it’s only rated E.

Zodiac Killer Letter Solved by Opening It With VLC Media Player

Posted on by Max Barth

SAN FRANCISCO — Following decades of unsuccessful attempts by law enforcement agencies and amateur sleuths, a letter from the Zodiac Killer has finally been decoded by an individual who simply opened a file containing the killer’s iconic cipher with VLC Media Player.

“Honestly, I was just kind of bored and decided to just try it,” said Samantha Talbit, a part-time social media manager who cracked the code while procrastinating at a café. “I had the Zodiac letter saved on my desktop, so I just dragged it over to VLC and it opened it. It was just a boring old letter in plain English taunting law enforcement. I dunno, maybe someone should try opening it in Adobe Acrobat and see if there’s anything else.” 

According to the FBI, the letter is a step towards justice for Zodiac’s many victims. 

“Ms. Talbit has solved a problem that has bedeviled law enforcement and the best minds in cryptography for fifty years,” said Darryl Wilmington, head of the FBI’s Zodiac Taskforce, which has been in continuous operation since the first recorded murders occurred in 1968. “We’ve thrown hundreds of millions of dollars at attempts to decipher this particular piece of Zodiac’s communications, and most of that time spent running it through Google Translate to no avail. In the ’90s, we even painstakingly recreated the letter pixel-by-pixel in Microsoft Paint, which looked super cool, but didn’t really help.”

Inspired by the breakthrough in the Zodiac case, investigators have already found success using the so-called “VLC Method” to solve other mysteries. For example, the famous Zapruder film of the JFK Assasination, when viewed in VLC Media Player, reveals that President Kennedy shot himself. 

“It’s a sea change in how we look at counterintelligence,” said Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, recently returned from an international conference where VLC was used to scan attendees for security threats. “This software is saving lives.”

At press time, the Zodiac Killer shared through a written statement that his only regret was that he did not think to instead encrypt his messages through a more VLC-proof standard like Betamax.

Nintendo Places New Employees in Tutorial Office So They Can Train Before Entering Real Headquarters

Posted on by Sam LiButti

KYOTO, Japan — Newly hired employees at Nintendo reported that they have been placed in a tutorial office so that they can “train and prepare themselves” before entering the actual headquarters.

“I was just hoping to maybe go to an orientation or take a picture for my ID badge and sign some documents, but now this talking racoon is telling me I need to collect five slime eyeballs for him before he will talk to me further,” said new hire Jane Ryu as she tried desperately to fashion a sword from a broken up piece of an old desk. “I don’t even have time to think of the ethical ramifications of Nintendo creating a talking, seemingly sentient anthropomorphic raccoon and trapping it in this office purgatory — I just want to make it to my floor and clock in.”

Nintendo claimed the tutorial office is a vital part of its corporate culture, and that at this time there are no plans to do away with the practice.

“We currently offer no option to skip the tutorial, despite many requests,” said a spokesperson for the company. “The last thing we need are people jumping around the office aimlessly trying to figure out how things work. Before the tutorial, we once had a woman spend a whole afternoon trying to figure out the printer. Can you believe that? This way is much better.”

Not all employees advanced easily from the tutorial office. Some have gone feral, including office manager Carl Sloan, who remained trapped in the office several hours after closing time.

“I can’t figure out who to talk to to move on. Did I miss something?” said Sloan in a tattered suit smeared with dirt, his face covered in war paint fashioned from printer ink. “I collected all the acorns and got the gold key but have been here all morning and still can’t get out. The racoon hasn’t been any help either, he just keeps taking my hard earned slime eyeballs and quite frankly I’m not sure what he has done to deserve them.” 

At press time, Nintendo had sent in a rescue team to try and help Sloan out of the tutorial office but the team wound up stuck themselves and could no longer be reached for comment.

Microsoft Confirms Halo TV Series Isn’t Canon If You Think It Sucks

Posted on by Kevin Podas

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft has confirmed that the Paramount Plus streaming series Halo is not canon to the established plotline of the video games if people think the show totally sucks.

“If you guys do end up liking it, we’re so excited for people to see the TV series expand on the Halo universe,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “But rest assured, if you guys do end up thinking that it’s totally unwatchable dogshit, it will not be canon to the events of the Halo series and we can just silently agree to pretend it never even happened.”

Feedback to the series has been divisive among diehard fans of the Halo video games.

“I was honestly excited for the show. I’ve been playing these games since 2001, and always thought they could be made into a pretty good movie or something,” remarked dedicated Xbox fan Foster Thompson. “But after buying a Paramount Plus subscription just to watch the show and then getting to see how bad it is, it’s a relief to know that the events taking place in it don’t matter to the story of Master Chief or the Halo franchise at large, which I have also hated since 2012.”

Reception hasn’t been entirely negative, as some fans have praised the series’ bold new direction and look forward to releases of new episodes each and every week.

“The Halo TV series does not disappoint, and it’s awesome that Master Chief finally gets to fuck,” said getgood343, a moderator of r/halo. “Despite Microsoft’s comments, the events of the show are apparently now my own personal headcanon and do in fact exist to flesh out the games’ story. You can never take that away from me!”

At press time, Microsoft and Paramount had just announced a new Gears of War TV series, which they confirmed will be “actually a comedy” if people make fun of it.

Guy in Instagram Comments Can’t Figure Out Why No One Cares That He Is Giving Away $5,710 to 7 Random People

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local Instagram commenter Braxton Bates can’t figure out why no one seems to care that he is giving away thousands of dollars to seven random people, according to confused sources.

“I just don’t get it. I was trying to do a nice thing and give away some money for free and no one seems to care at all. I’m talking literally zero responses. What the hell is going on? I literally can’t give away this money to seven random people!” Bates exclaimed. “I thought this was a lot of money — maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that I was giving away the whole thing to each person? Maybe they think it’s going to involve using one weird trick? I’m blown away. This is the last time I try to do something nice!”

“It fucked with my self esteem for a bit, to be honest. I was worried that people didn’t want to engage with me because they don’t like me,” Bates continued. “But I tried saying that it was my friend who helped me get the money as a sort of buffer. Still absolutely zero responses — now I’ve roped up my friend Dennis in this nonsense and I’m worried people hate us both.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Bates was despondent after being unable to share his wealth.

“Braxton has always been like this. He loves giving away odd amounts of money to several random people,” said Bates’ longtime mother Emily McIntosh. “I remember he was sent home from school in second grade for trying to give away 15.8 pieces of chewing gum to nine other kids. The teachers thought it was some kind of scam, but no. Little Braxton just loves to give! But I guess people just don’t like to accept gifts these days and it eats my sweet Braxton up inside. I hold him to just hold onto his money. Maybe there’s a way he could put it to better use. But no, I think he’s going to keep trying to give away odd amounts of it to odd amounts of people. Godspeed.”

At press time, Bates lit up after getting a DM on Instagram, but was dismayed to see it was Instagram shutting down his account for spammy behavior.