Pixar to Follow Success of ‘Lightyear’ With Film About Real Life Potato That Inspired Mr. Potato Head

Posted on by Bill Hawken

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — After Pixar’s bold move to produce a full-fledged origin story for action figure Buzz Lightyear paid off, the studio is set to produce another origin story, this time for the real-life potato that inspired the Toy Story character, Mr. Potato Head.

“Once we saw the results from Lightyear’s early screenings, we knew we had to jump on Mr. Potato Head,” said Lightyear director Angus MacLane. “We would be remiss not to tell the story of the potato whose rise to fame came from harvesting and wearing human body parts.”

Though excitement was palpable, MacLane’s team did have to sell the idea to Disney, who wasn’t immediately pleased with the pitch, sources claim.

“They said that a killer potato wearing the faces of dead children wasn’t exactly ‘on brand,’” said MacLane, who has been researching the historical figure for years. “I get where they’re coming from, but you can’t argue with data. This is what people want.”

Eventually, Pixar’s producers and Disney executives came to an agreement.

“We settled on fudging Mr. Potato Head’s story a bit,” said MacLane. “Now, it’s going to be a period piece telling the story of an impoverished family during the Great Depression who dressed up their last potato as a doll for their daughter after she was told they were too poor to afford a real one. Years later, after Mr. Potato Head teaches her how to disguise her appearance, the two embark on a Bonnie and Clyde-like adventure that ends in a similar way. Doesn’t seem as interesting to me, but hey, Disney controls the purse strings.”

If Mr. Potato Head succeeds at the same level as Lightyear, it could very well be the start of a series of origin stories — Pixar has already begun work on Mr. Spell, about the mean English teacher who becomes trapped inside a computer, doomed to teach toddlers how to spell for eternity.

Guy Who Doesn’t Even Like New ‘Star Wars’ Thing Now Forced to Defend It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local guy Michael Knight reportedly feels compelled to defend the new Obi-Wan Kenobi streaming series despite not even really liking it that much, according to frustrated sources.

“I watched the first three episodes of Obi-Wan and I was like, I dunno it’s fine I guess. Kinda boring. Then the racist backlash against one of the actors came and now I have to go to bat for this thing! I really hate being a part of modern entertainment discourse,” Knight explained. “Did I think that actor was good on the show? Not really. I didn’t think any of the actors were that good on the show — I kinda watched it while washing dishes after a while. But now I’m in the comments of Instagram photos calling people ‘absolute dumbasses’ for criticizing her because that’s my duty as a person who wants to criticize Star Wars for non-racist reasons.”

“I mean holy shit, how did they think it was a good idea to do another Star Wars prequel about an annoying child-version of one of the OT characters?! Didn’t they learn their lesson with Episode One?” Knight continued. “Shit, sorry, I should point out that this is not the young Leia actor’s fault and that by criticizing the writing of her character, I am not in any way endorsing people harass her until she quits acting forever, like the last few times that happened. Gotta add that disclaimer to any Star Wars complaint now that people ruined complaining about Star Wars, which was once one of my favorite activities.”

According to Knight, the people criticizing Moses Ingram have even changed his opinion of the show.

“I actually watched the third episode of the show and ended up liking it slightly more. Probably because I spent the last two days praising it online to combat racist trolls to the point where it seeped into my brain,” Knight said. “When will people figure out that if they want people to agree with them about Star Wars criticism, all they have to do is not be a goddamn real-life Rancor?”

At press time, Knight explained that he was sick of the continuous cycle of it all. “I just wish they would do something new for once. Not the same old song and dance,” Knight said. “Sorry, I meant both the Star Wars franchise and the Star Wars haters.”

If Sonic Is So Fast, Why Is He 5 Years Late to ‘Breath of the Wild’?

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

A video showcasing Sonic Frontiers gameplay was released yesterday, featuring Sonic’s gameplay in an open-world format. And after three years of waiting the answer is a resounding…not well. Sonic is all about speed, but Sega has come in last place in the race to capitalize on Breath of the Wild. 

The footage made me realize there is one version of Sonic worse than a hyper-realistic CGI model with human teeth: a version that walks. For seven minutes I watched the blue not-blur stroll around a detailed world full of nature and puzzles an RA at college would set up to get awkward freshman to mingle. It’s trying so hard to be BOTW that, at one point, Sonic stops running up a wall like a badass so he could climb up like a chump. Fingers crossed they haven’t also added a stamina meter and breakable shoes.

Sonic may be the ultimate speedster, but sometimes it feels like every new Sonic game is a desperate attempt from SEGA to capitalize on a trend years after everybody else did. Sonic Unleashed was criticized for trying to force a God-of-War-like section with its Werehog levels, while Sonic Lost World looks like it was made to be a Super Mario Galaxy ripoff for mobile phones. 

It’s usually a good thing when games incorporate features from other new games. We wouldn’t have Breath of the Wild if the team behind it hadn’t been inspired by Skyrim and Shadow of the Colossus, or without the hard work of the Xenoblade team. But while Zelda and other games considered which features would improve their game, Frontiers looks like it’s just copy-pasted in the world of Hyrule and added some rails. It’s gonna be harder to believe Sonic is the fastest creature alive when Genshin Impact is running laps around the poor bastard.

Sonic was once the coolest kid on the block. Now he lets his mommy dress him. It’d be better off learning from a game like Tony Hawk Pro Skater, but we’ll probably be back here in five years talking about how Sonic traveling the land to become Elden Lord doesn’t work either. (Sidenote: they better at least call that game Sonic: Elden Rings.)

And for the love of god just bring back Chao Garden already. Maybe SEGA should try being inspired by the Sonic games that have worked.

Congress Institutes Three Act Waiting Period on All Chekhov’s Guns

Posted on by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — Today marked a watershed moment for gun control in the United States as Congress pushed through a new bill enacting a minimum three act waiting period on all Chekhov’s guns. 

“We’re at a crossroads where we decided it would be the safest move for all plays and movies,” Representative Mike Gallagher said. “So much violence occurs in America, and we felt that it was taking place way too soon, before any suspense had built up. We understand that this is a violent country, but  I think we’re doing the right thing for our Americans by making sure that gun violence can still happen, but at least with a little more dramatic merit and plot resolution backing it up.”

NRA President Carolyn Meadows publicly decried the waiting period as an infringement of constitutional rights.

“The second amendment clearly protects the desire to kill off other characters whenever we choose,” Meadows said. “Without this, how will other countries know that there are stakes to our story? By creating a waiting period, nobody will have fear or believe that anyone is in actual danger. Without guns, how will Americans protect themselves from things like sappy dialogue scenes or poorly-cut action scenes? I think it’s within every American’s best interest to stand their ground against dramatic cliches and bad writing.

At press time, members of Congress announced bipartisan support to do absolute nothing about real guns.

You Think You Can Order From The Deli Counter? Come Back When You’ve Got More Badges

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Huh? Did I hear something? Oh, it’s you. I didn’t notice you down there, pipsqueak. I bet you think you can just waltz up here and collect some of this store’s fine selection of deli meats, cheeses, and prepared salads, huh? Well, forget it! I’m not serving up my wares to some chump who hasn’t even collected six badges! 

That’s right. The Great Deli Worker Tad doesn’t turn on the meat slicer for just anyone, especially not for a nobody like you. You haven’t even visited the other great grocery kingdoms and claimed their badges! If you were to visit the MEAT, SEAFOOD, BREAD, DAIRY, DRY CEREAL, and BOTTLED WATER & SODA kingdoms and proved yourself to be a true customer, then we’ll talk. 

What’s that? Oh, that’s just my precious NUMBER DISPENSER. Do NOT touch it! A moron like you would never be able to figure out how to use it. So just forget it!!

You’re still here? I don’t know what kinda talkin’ tree or Grocery Professor told you to talk to me, but I ain’t budging. The only way you’re getting to these BOARS HEAD and STORE BRAND deli products is by obtaining six badges! But a kid like you would never be able to accomplish a task like that. You haven’t even equipped a SHOPPING CART and GROCERY LIST. 

Hey! What did I say about my NUMBER DISPENSER? I thought I told you NOT to touch it! It’s very precious to me. I can’t have kids like you putting their sticky fingers all over it. 

Look, kid. I can see you’re very insistent about ordering from the deli counter. So you know what? I’m gonna be a pal. Even though you’re a shrimp who can’t even collect six badges from the MEAT, SEAFOOD, BREAD, DAIRY, DRY CEREAL, and BOTTLED WATER & SODA kingdoms, I’ll let you order for a mere $1,000,000. Do we have a deal? I didn’t think so! Now go get those badges!

And remember: if there’s one thing I know about eatin’ sandwiches — and I know a lot about that — it’s that you can SAVE your GAME by pressing START to open the MENU.

Hospital Requires Baby’s Name to Include At Least One Uppercase Letter, Number, and Special Character

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

AURORA, Ill. — Local hospital Our Lady of Lourdes has updated its naming policy, stating that all newborns born at the maternity ward must include at least one uppercase letter, number, and special character in their first name.

“Studies show that a stronger name is linked to a healthier child,” said Rachel Castagnoli, Chief Executive Officer at the hospital. “If a child is named something common—like ‘Michael’ or ‘Jennifer’—they’d be open to early childhood diseases, immune disorders, and firewall attacks. But if the parents just added a special character and number to the name, so that the child would be named something like J@son244, then they’d dramatically reduce the chances of a hacker stealing their newborn’s personal identifiable information. That’s why we’re adding this control.”

While many expecting parents have voiced frustrations at the hospital for their new policy, other members of the community have applauded the new security measures.

“I think it’s great, personally. My parents were early adopters and gave me a secure name and I’ve always been thankful for that,” shared $tu@rt! McAvoy, whose parents controversially applied the same requirement three decades ago. “My wife and I are expecting our first child this fall, and we’ll be doing the same—but we’re also gonna have some fun with it. You see, we both met in a Modern Warfare 2 lobby back in 2009, which is why we’re so excited for the world to meet our beautiful, healthy daughter xx3lite_$niperxx.”

The name-protected policy represents only the first stage for the hospital in ensuring the safety of their newborn patients. Members working at the medical facility revealed that later requirements were expected to be announced shortly.

“The new name policy isn’t enough,” revealed Vice Director and former obstetrician David Jeong. “While having a unique name may decrease the risk for a child to contract any illnesses for the first seven years of their life, there’s still long-term risks that need to be mitigated as much as possible. That’s why we’ll be requiring parents to use two-factor authentication whenever engaging with their child, as well as enforcing all children born at our hospital to have their name changed every two months. And no, a previous name cannot be used.”

At press time, several parents had already reportedly forgotten their own newborn’s name.

Pokémon Scarlet/Violet Revolutionize the Series by Adding Hot Professors

Posted on by Minus World

A trailer for Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet dropped this morning, sharing new details about the highly anticipated titles. The games are already making headlines for a variety of reasons, from their November 18 release date to The Pokémon Company confirming they will feature full 4-player co-op for the first time in the series history. But that’s not the biggest news. 

The new trailer confirms something more important: The professors are hot this time.

That’s right, sickos. Say goodbye to the days of crusty old mentors like Professor Oak or absolute nerds like Professor Elm. The latest installment in the series introduces not one, but two bonafide fuck machines. 

First, there’s Professor Turo, who looks like a cartoon adaptation of a Sigma Chad meme come to life. Sporting some gruff five-o-clock shadow and a side-cut hairdo, he’s your prototypical hip tech bro who loves designer IPAs and finance apps. Professor Sada, on the other hand, has more of an Earthy Goddess vibe going on with her puka (or Poké) shell necklace and windswept hair.

As you might expect, historically horny gaming Twitter was quick to fall into The Pokémon Company’s thirst trap.

https://twitter.com/adashtra/status/1531987383008346115

 

People always complain that the Pokémon games are too scared to add anything new to the formula, instead opting to just barely update the graphics with each new game and keeping the same general core gameplay since the 1990s. But you can’t really say that’s true for Pokémon Violet and Scarlet because this one has hot professors.

In general, Pokémon Violet and Scarlet seem to be swinging for the simps this time. Even the games’ new legendaries, two lizards with wheels in their chest, are kind of hot. Considering that we haven’t really had a true smokeshow legendary since Mewtwo, it’s a big day for people who actively think about getting railed by cartoons. And don’t even think about making us Google-Image-search “Gardevoir.”

The Pokémon Company knows what it’s doing here. Anytime a new Pokémon trailer drops, there’s an immediate meme cycle as players turn every detail into a social joke. Violet and Scarlet are almost explicitly playing into that trope this time. Just look at Lechonk, a new pig Pokémon with a name designed for fans to slop up like mud.

Maybe that’s the ultimate reason why Pokémon continues to stay relevant so many years later, even with a general decline in quality. The Pokémon Company has tapped into the power of the meme generation, the most powerful marketing tool of all. It doesn’t matter if the latest trailer for the game virtually shows nothing other than vague landscapes and out-of-context gameplay. But you will remember that it has hot professors and you will buy it.

Pokémon City Planners Urge Mayors to Think About Logistics for Just One Second

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

NIMBASA CITY — City and town planners across Kanto, Hoenn, and various regions came together to publicly condemn the growing efforts of mayors and community leaders to build expensive and impractical urban developments and infrastructure projects.

“We are sick and tired,” said Unova architect Maria Hoffman, head of the Nimbasa Urban Development Initiative. “We have wasted funds, time, energy, and manpower on building the most wasteful and pompous developments possible. We are literally speaking to you from a city that doubles as an 119.1 mile-wide amusement park, open 24/7 to the public. Do you understand how insane this is?”

Hoffman and other leaders labeled recently-established cities as “gimmicked,” referencing public projects that lacked any semblance of logic in their foundation. Fortree City–a municipality elevated 50 feet above ground level–was one such city referenced at the event.

“Every residency in Fortree City is a treehouse,” decried the city’s lead builder, Greg Voight. “Do you know what wild Pokémon roam in the area? Oddish and Zigzagoon. There is literally no threat to the inhabitants that would require their homes to be suspended 50 feet in the air. Even worse, there’s a Pokémon Center, shop, and gym located on the ground. Look my team and me in the eyes and tell us how any of this makes sense.”

The speakers highlighted the exorbitant costs required to maintain these neighborhoods, while also citing recent efforts to re-develop already-functioning communities.

“Seven years ago, Mauville City was a structurally sound development,” remembered landscape architect Henry Sullivan. “Then our council decided the entire city needed to be indoors, so now every home and business is literally housed in one closed building. Our entire budget goes to powering every inch of Mauville with electricity, and we sunk to massive debt after bulldozing every possible outdoor area and renovating each residency from the inside. Not to mention that we don’t even have access to natural sunlight.”

The city planners were joined in their condemnation by members of the scientific community, where serious health and safety concerns were addressed. 

“Ballonea is a town built inside a forest hosting giant bioluminescent mushrooms. Every single resident is expected to contract terminal spore-borne illnesses before the age of 50,” warned health and safety officer Dawn Giannis. “The scientific community is begging local leaders. Our land has cities built inside active volcanoes and towns floating above the water on nothing but logs. Your citizens are in grave danger. Please think about your project plans for just one second.”

At press time, local mayors rejected all infrastructure proposals, issuing a joint-statement that “our towns and cities have never looked this dope.”

Review: ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ Is a Thrilling Look at the Exciting Life That Awaits You If You Sign the Recruitment Form at the End of This Article

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

After 36 long years, Tom Cruise is finally back in the cockpit and ready to take off into another blockbuster adventure in Top Gun: Maverick. But after so long, have Cruise and director Joseph Kosinski recaptured the thrills, suspense, and yes, romance that made the original film such a classic? I’m happy to say the film doesn’t disappoint, showcasing the epic widescreen action that awaits you if you sign up with the recruitment form at the end of this article.

The film follows Cruise’s classic character Captain Pete “Maverick” Mitchell as he returns to the prestigious TOPGUN flight school to teach a new generation of fighter pilots. The actor still oozes charisma after all these years. From the minute he first steps onto the screen, you’ll be thinking, “Wow, if I join up with the United States Navy, maybe I’ll be as badass as him one day. And it could be soon, thanks to the recruitment form conveniently placed further down the page!”

The new squad of rookies shine as they’re put through their paces under Maverick’s unconventional training regimen. Miles Teller almost steals the show from Cruise as Lieutenant Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw, who just happens to be the son of Goose, Maverick’s dearly departed WSO. He actually reminds me a lot of you. In fact, I think the two of you would look a lot alike wearing the uniform of a Navy recruit.

But it’s Monica Barbaro as Lieutenant Natasha “Phoenix” Trace that really stands out. Her dramatic portrayal of a woman pilot making her way in the male-dominated world of the military proves that anyone, no matter your gender identity, can print this review, fill out the recruitment form, and report to basic training at 0800 hours next week. 

Make no mistake, this is a movie that needs to be seen in the biggest theater possible. Claudio Miranda’s cinematography really captures how epic it feels to be behind the joystick of a F/A-18 Super Hornet when it’s projected on a 72 foot IMAX screen. The movie’s brisk two hour and seventeen minute run time breezes past and is sure to leave you ready to head to the mall Navy recruitment center next to the Sbarro. Tell them I sent you! 

The movie isn’t without its flaws, however. Some of the slower scenes can be just a tad melodramatic, and sometimes present this strange idea that people might not be happy in the military. The film also presents Russia’s Su-57 plane as a credible threat to the United States, when in reality our military is so powerful that we don’t need to fear anything. In fact, you probably won’t even be deployed if you sign up today with the recruitment form at the bottom of this article! 

What more is there to say? Top Gun: Maverick is a triumph. It’s a perfect example of a summer blockbuster, a surefire crowd-pleaser that will have you saying, “give me that recruitment form, already!”

Next Week: We look back at “Hot Shots” and show you what it’s really like to be in the Navy!

Man Finally Gets Around to Playing the Game the Hotline Miami Soundtrack Is Based On

Posted on by Kyle Erf

INDIANAPOLIS — Local gamer Jamal Barker has at-last played the game alluded to by his favorite soundtrack of all time, the Hotline Miami OST, sources on the other side of his loud speakers and paper thin apartment walls report.

“This is such a revelation,” said an enthusiastic Barker. “I got here the same way most folks do: ‘Lofi Hip Hop Beats to Relax/Study To.’ You listen to that station enough and next thing you know it’s all ‘Retro Synthwave Beats For Extreme Coding’ and finally you’re listening to something called ‘Hotline Miami’ every night while you browse Reddit. Throbbing bass beats, a waterfall electric drums, the retro synth riffs from beyond the reaches of humanity, it was amazing.”

“When my friend mentioned there was actually a for-real Hotline Miami game, I was beyond excited!” added the 29-year-old Barker. Upon picking up a digital copy of the classic action game, Barker has so far been amenable to the gameplay, but the game has not completely lived up to the musical choices he had grown fond of.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, I expected Hotline Miami would be a game about having sex with a robot,” said the longtime soundtrack fan. “I mean the shooting and animal masks are cool and fun, but at the very least I figured it would have a few car chases where the cars can fly and/or talk to you. I’m happy I bought it, don’t get me wrong. Just confused.”

Barker did, however, note one element that stuck to his expectations. Said Barker, “The game is very faithful to the soundtrack in that I keep restarting it over and over. Just like how I listen to the soundtrack. Seriously, can you please help me not die so damn much?”

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. Have you played Hotline Miami? NO?! Bro, are you serious? It’s one of those games you have to play. It’s sick, dude, you’re gonna love it. I’m sending you the link to the Steam page right now. It’s straight up $10. Let me know when you play it. I wanna hear your thoughts on it. Oh my god, and the soundtrack?! OK OK I’ll stop, just check it out.