NEW YORK — Local Instagram commenter Braxton Bates can’t figure out why no one seems to care that he is giving away thousands of dollars to seven random people, according to confused sources.
“I just don’t get it. I was trying to do a nice thing and give away some money for free and no one seems to care at all. I’m talking literally zero responses. What the hell is going on? I literally can’t give away this money to seven random people!” Bates exclaimed. “I thought this was a lot of money — maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that I was giving away the whole thing to each person? Maybe they think it’s going to involve using one weird trick? I’m blown away. This is the last time I try to do something nice!”
“It fucked with my self esteem for a bit, to be honest. I was worried that people didn’t want to engage with me because they don’t like me,” Bates continued. “But I tried saying that it was my friend who helped me get the money as a sort of buffer. Still absolutely zero responses — now I’ve roped up my friend Dennis in this nonsense and I’m worried people hate us both.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Bates was despondent after being unable to share his wealth.
“Braxton has always been like this. He loves giving away odd amounts of money to several random people,” said Bates’ longtime mother Emily McIntosh. “I remember he was sent home from school in second grade for trying to give away 15.8 pieces of chewing gum to nine other kids. The teachers thought it was some kind of scam, but no. Little Braxton just loves to give! But I guess people just don’t like to accept gifts these days and it eats my sweet Braxton up inside. I hold him to just hold onto his money. Maybe there’s a way he could put it to better use. But no, I think he’s going to keep trying to give away odd amounts of it to odd amounts of people. Godspeed.”
At press time, Bates lit up after getting a DM on Instagram, but was dismayed to see it was Instagram shutting down his account for spammy behavior.