Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Dwayne Johnson Reaches Out to Jared Leto to Ask How to Get People to Ironically Like Black Adam

Posted on October 23, 2022 by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — ‘Black Adam’ star Dwayne Johnson reportedly reached out to Jared Leto following poor reviews of Johnson’s new DC superhero flick to ask how to make audiences see the movie ironically.

“Jared! Hey brother, it’s Dwayne. You were in that ‘Mobius’ thing, right?” Johnson began in the leaked voicemail message. “Just out of curiosity, how did you get it trending on Twitter for days as a joke? ‘Black Adam’ is a great movie, and it’s crushing at the box office, but just hypothetically, what did you do to make people go watch it several times in a row for a YouTube video and stuff? Just wondering! If I wanted to do something like that, and I’m not saying I do, could I get ‘It’s Black Adaming time’ to take off? Hello?”

Sources reported Johnson’s thin façade quickly dissipated as the WWE legend became increasingly desperate.

“J-Bone! The Leto-Meister! It’s—it’s Dwayne again. Uh, The Rock,” stammered Johnsons in his fifteenth voice message. “Calling about ‘Black Adam’ again. What an amazing picture. Making millions. I mean billions! Hey, I was hoping you could tweet something out about how Black Adam is the next Morbius? Like how people should go see it to be hilarious, maybe dress up as Black Adam, even pay extra for an IMAX ticket? That would be so funny of you if you did. Jared pick up the fucking phone right now I swear to God.”

At press time, sources reported that several tweets about Black Adam being a hilarious cult-classic had been traced back to Johnson as his various burner accounts.

Masked Killer Making Scary Calls Could Have Just Texted

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Doug Kolic

DALLAS — Local sophomore Beth Murray wishes the masked killer tormenting her with scary phone calls would just text like a normal person, according to sources.

“I don’t love getting death threats each Halloween from a deranged killer, but at least don’t be a dick and make me answer the phone,” said Murray, who immediately declined the call and texted ‘who this’ to the number. “If you absolutely have to tell me how you’re going to kill me and wear my skin as a suit, just have the decency to shoot me a quick text. I’m pretty sure there’s emojis for that.”

Longtime friends claimed Murray’s concerns about unexpected phone calls, while valid, were distracting her from more important problems.

“Beth spends more time complaining about the killer phoning her than about the fact that there’s a homicidal maniac who wants her dead,” said sorority sister Rose Kieran. “We get it, Beth. Nobody likes receiving calls anymore. Everybody knows you have to be a monster to call someone without warning unless it’s seriously an emergency. But there’s a masked lunatic watching her through the window every single night. She should focus on that.”

When reached for comment, the Masked Killer chimed in with his side of the story.

“This generation is the worst,” explained the psychopath while hiding under the porch. “Things used to be so much easier before smartphones, when we were able to anonymously terrorize entire sororities with a simple phone call. My job is hard enough, trying to evade the police and go unnoticed by guard dogs. I don’t need these kids complaining about how I do it. Maybe stop criticizing my methods and start fearing for your life, because I’m about to break into your house if you’d just answer the phone. Shit, she just blocked me. What the fuck do I do now?”

At press time, Murray was overheard complaining about muddy footprints the killer tracked onto her new patio rug, which she had to wait ‘like forever’ to get from Target.

New Edition of Scrabble Adds ‘Cool S’ Tile

Posted on October 22, 2022 by Sean Mullee

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — In an effort to reach out to young people, Hasbro announced a new edition of the popular board game Scrabble which will include the “Cool S” tile.

“Kids today aren’t interested in spelling and vernacular. You can tell because all of their English textbooks are covered in that S,” explained Hasbro representative Sally Tomson. “So we decided to ‘get hip’ and add this ‘dope’ new tile.”

Initially, competitive Scrabble players feared the new tile would create balance issues in tournament play. Luckily, the Hasbro team implemented special rules surrounding the use of the new strongest tile, designed to keep matches fair.

“Well, the tile being worth 69 points was certainly a scare to all of us who have poured thousands of hours into the game,” explained competitive player George Smith, “but since they limited use of the tile to valid words like ‘SWAG’ and ‘SICKO’ I think the addition should be a healthy change to the meta.”

The reception among members of Generation Z has been similarly positive.

When informed of the Scrabble update, local 10th grader Zack Francis said, “Goated.”

While the update does not allow much-requested spellings like ‘periodt’ and ‘bussin,’ Hasbro would neither confirm nor deny those changes were coming in the future.

Marvel Snap Move Deck (Pool 1 Cards)

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Parker Johnson

There’s a ton of different ways to build decks in Marvel Snap, and a move deck is among the best. Different abilities that have “Ongoing” and “On Reveal” properties can synergize very well together. One way to create a deck with this kind of synergy is to focus on movement.

In addition to many cards having properties that can be boosted or enhanced by movement, there are other benefits to focusing on a deck of this variety. A lot of Marvel Snap victories can come by simply outsmarting your opponent with placement. If your opponent is focusing one location, you can suddenly pivot your attention to another. This is true of any deck, but much more so with a movement based deck. With that in mind, here’s a deck you can build with exclusively cards from Pool 1 (cards earned from Collector Level 18-214).

Marvel Snap Movement Deck: Heimdall, Miles Morales, & More

Name	Energy	Power	Ability
Iron Fist	1	2	On Reveal: Move the next card you play one location to the left after it reveals.
Nightcrawler	1	2	Can be moved once.
Kraven	2	2	When a card moves here, this gets +2 power.
Medusa	2	2	On Reveal: If this is at the middle location, +2 power.
Scarlet Witch	2	3	On Reveal: Replace this location with a random new one.
Lizard	2	5	Ongoing: -3 power if your opponent has 4 cards here.
Ironheart	3	0	On Reveal: Give 3 other friendly cards +2 power.
Morph	3	0	On Reveal: Become a copy of a random card in your opponent’s hand.
Enchantress	4	4	On Reveal: Remove the abilities from all Ongoing cards at this location.
Miles Morales*	4	5	If a card moved last turn, this costs 1.
Professor X	5	3	Ongoing: Lock down this location. Cards can’t be added, removed, etc.
Heimdall	6	8	On Reveal: Move your other cards one location to the left.

*Miles Morales is currently only obtainable via the premium battle pass

There’s a few different ideas at work in this deck. First off is buffing Kraven. It’s usually best to either put him in the middle or on the left. If you play Nightcrawler, play him in a different location than Kraven. This way, you can move Nightcrawler to Kraven for a +2 boost. Be mindful of when you use Iron Fist as well, since his On Reveal ability can move any character to the left if they’re played after him. This can be increased even further if you finish the game by play Heimdall, who will move all your other cards to the left. If you play this right, Kraven can get +6 power on the final turn.

While all this movement may be the main event, location manipulation is another strength of this deck. First, you can use Scarlet Witch to alter a location altogether. Use this if you see an opponent taking advantage of one, or if there’s an underutilized one with characters you’re on. In addition, you can use Professor X to ruin plans that your opponent may have on their final turn. When Professor X is placed, the location is locked for both you and your opponent to place new cards. This goes either for playing cards or moving them. It’s a good way to keep one location as a guaranteed win, and manipulate which cards get moved when you play Heimdall.

Another interesting combination utilized in this deck is Lizard and Enchantress. Lizard has 5 power, but loses 3 power if the enemy fills the location he’s in. While this ability can also be worked around by having Lizard move, using Enchantress to negate the ability (and any of your opponent’s Ongoing abilities!) is another great way to keep Lizard at 5 power for a low energy cost.

While most of these characters are key to the deck, Ironheart and Morph are a bit expendable and could be swapped out for other characters. In addition, you may need to swap out Miles Morales if you don’t want to purchase the Season Pass. Here are some other Pool 1 characters who would be at home in this deck:

Name	Energy	Power	Ability
Multiple Man	2	3	When this moves, add a copy to the old location.
Doctor Strange	3	3	Move your highest power cards to this location.
Hulkbuster	3	4	On Reveal: Merge this card with a random friendly card at this location.

And that’s it for our recommended Marvel Snap move deck! Use deception to your advantage to lead your opponent into snapping, then snatch a victory using Heimdall’s powerful ability on the final turn. Like Marvel Snap but don’t think our move deck is your style? Check out 3 other great Marvel Snap decks to try!

Drunk Guy No-Scopes Urinal Cake

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Will Carnevale

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Astounding friends and onlookers alike, intoxicated man Artie Merle reportedly no-scoped a urinal deodorizer block without aim assistance last night while relieving himself at a local bar.

“Look, after a certain amount of Cuervo, you just gotta spray and pray,” said Artie Merle, Round Table Tavern’s new ‘Most Valuable Pisser,’ celebrating the achievement with another drink astride his usual stool. “And when you’re in the bathroom with double vision, you’re dealing with multiple targets, so you just have to aim at one or the other and hope the lag times out right. That’s what I did, and bam: right in the crosshairs.”

Merle says that his girlfriend Gwen Hawke, who is also his roommate and coach, was the one who initially gave him the motivation he needed to attain MVP status.

“We’re really proud of Artie’s performance at the Round Table,” said Hawke. “We’ve worked hard to get him to this level, and I’m hoping this is a sign that we can start to limit his use of aim assist at home, because I feel like only one of us should be washing their hands after he’s done in the bathroom.”

Bar staff members say that the recognition of sharpshooter achievements like no-scoping is meant to encourage patrons to treat the facilities with proper respect.

“We’ve had a lot of problems with friendly fire around here in the past,” explained bartender Larry Dryden. “But we’re always too understaffed for anyone to clean up the piss before it dries, so we’ve had to replace the men’s room floors every few months because of ammonia damage. This new achievement system is simply our last ditch effort to avoid being shut down for massive health code violations, but we’re all really happy that Artie found some self esteem in the process.”

At press time, Merle did not immediately respond to a request for comment regarding his P/P ratio.

Marvel Post-Credits Scenes Now Contain Wikipedia Article of Who That Guy Is

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced today that all post-credits scenes in its films and television shows will now contain a Wikipedia article explaining who that guy is.

“People often leave the movie tired and confused,” Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said. “While we want people excited for Eros or Hercules, it’s not always clear who the hell we’re pretending everyone is familiar with. No longer will you have to begrudgingly go to YouTube for the ‘End Credits EXPLAINED’ video. Now after the post-credits scene, there will be a prompt onscreen to look under your seat, where I have diligently printed out a Wikipedia article about the character and gingerly placed them under every seat in the theater.”

Marvel viewers have already begun to appreciate the new context.

“I never knew the joy that comes from having any context at all for the last scene of a movie,” said moviegoer Ryan Hemworthy. “Now I can read the basic Cliff’s Notes on who a given character is, before also having to read what their origin is and who they are related to in the comics, which may end up mattering or may be thrown out entirely. I also have always been saying that the Marvel movies need more homework before going to the theater. Just watching several movies and a few seven hour television shows is just way too easy. I like reading up on a character’s whole deal and becoming intimately familiar with their role in Marvel so I have proper context when the character’s movie throws out all the information from the comics and does it’s own plotline.”

Some viewers, however, have criticized the decision.

“Knowing who obscure characters are and scoffing at people in the movie theater while they look it up online is my entire personality,” said self-described incel Wil Hickman. “Now I’m going to have to read the Silmarillion or learn obscure Dungeons and Dragons rules in order to feel superior to other people. Every year, the world gets harder and harder for nerds like me.”

At press time, Marvel reported that their plan to distribute Wikipedia articles would also thankfully eliminate any reason to have to speak to your friend who has read the comics.

Overwatch 2 Competitive: Tips to Help You Climb Ranks

Posted on October 21, 2022 by Camden Brazile

Overwatch 2’s competitive mode can feel very difficult if you are a new player. It is likely that you will be thrown into lobbies that are full of veteran Overwatch players and it will take some time to find your footing and truly understand all of the nuances of Overwatch 2 gameplay. Our guide seeks to give Overwatch 2 competitive tips to players of all of the lower ranks in the game, from Bronze to Platinum.

How To Get Out Of Bronze In Overwatch 2

If you are a new player and have been placed in Bronze, it is likely that you are not fully comfortable with the heroes you play just yet. It is important to spend time learning different heroes and understanding all of the hero matchups as a beginner.

Learn the Kits of Your Favorite Heroes: You can try out new heroes in quick play and once you figure out which ones you enjoy playing, you can try them out in ranked mode. Instead of focusing on climbing ranks, you should focus on learning the heroes and figuring out when to use your abilities and how to play against specific heroes.

Focus on Teamwork: A lot of FPS players fall into the trap of relying on a solo playstyle when jumping into Overwatch 2. The shooter is very reliant on teamwork and you need to play around your team. Try to understand all of the roles focusing on learning how to tank, deal damage or heal.

Overwatch 2 Competitive: Silver Tier Tips

If you have successfully climbed out of Bronze and made it into Silver, it means that you have a basic understanding of the game. This is when you should focus on your mechanical skill and develop your game sense.

Develop Your Mechanical Skills: Now that you have an understanding of the heroes you play, it is important to develop your mechanical skills which include your positioning, game sense, and your aim.

Communicate With Your Teammates: Use voice chat and try to let your teammates know what plays you have in mind. If you already have someone else taking up the shot-calling role, you can take a backseat, while in other games you could be the one who rallies your teammates.

Overwatch 2 Competitive Tips: How To Get Out Of Gold

Gold is where the game starts to get a little difficult. Gold is where you will find the most players who play the competitive mode. There are a lot of players in the rank and learning to identify mistakes in your gameplay and improving on them is the easiest way out of the rank.

Review Your Footage: We strongly recommend recording your gameplay and reviewing it later. You can also find replays of recent matches by going to Career Profile, then History, then Replays. You need to self-assess and be critical of yourself if you want to improve and be better than the average player you run into. Try to go over your plays and see what you could have done differently in situations. It is also important to review your bad games instead of the ones where you stomp the enemies.

Develop A Macro Perspective: One of the things you need to learn when improving in Overwatch 2 is to develop a broader view of the game. Some of the things you need to learn to keep track of are your teammate’s positioning, the Ultimate economy, and enemy cooldowns. By keeping track of all enemy abilities in the back of your head, you will be able to play around them a lot more effectively.

Overwatch 2 Competitive Tips: Rising Above Platinum

Once you reach Platinum, you can consider yourself better than the average Overwatch player but if you want to keep improving, you need to work on yourself and develop your skills even further.

Managing Ultimate Economies: Knowing when to use your Ultimate or when to fall back and regroup is very important. It is important to guide your team and ensure you have important Ultimates available at the right times. You might find yourself in a losing situation and end up using too many Ultimates at the same time, which will win you the fight but it can situationally lose you the game if the enemy team respawns and responds with their own Ultimates.

Learn Advanced Techniques: This is the stage in the game where you have mastered the basics and it is time to learn advanced techniques. You should consider watching high-level players who play the heroes you do and learning from them. Whether it is Twitch streams or YouTube Videos or guide content, there are plenty of resources out there that can offer you help. Educational streamers can be very helpful as they often explain their thought process when making plays, which you can implement into your own playstyle.

To climb even higher, it is all a matter of spending enough time in the competitive mode and focusing on your weaknesses. While Overwatch is a team game and sometimes you will be dragged out by your team, you should focus on yourself and how you can have the most impact in the game. By identifying your gameplay weaknesses and constantly striving to improve, you will make it to the high rank that you deserve.

Chris Pratt Reveals Nintendo Paid Him More Than $4,000

Posted on October 20, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Following allegations from voice actor Hellena Taylor that she was offered just $4,000 to act as the titular character in Bayonetta 3, Chris Pratt confirmed that Nintendo paid him more than that to play Mario in the upcoming Mario film.

“When I heard that Taylor was only offered $4,000 to play the role, I felt I had to set the record straight: I was offered more money than that to play Mario,” said Pratt, whose net worth is rumored to be $80 million. “But then there was another article saying that she may have been offered upwards of $15,000. I am not comfortable saying whether or not I made more money than that. I draw the line at $4,000. Please respect my privacy at this time.”

Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto confirmed that Pratt was offered more than $4,000, but similarly refused to give any other information on the actor’s salary.

“Look, did we pay Chris more than $4,000? Yes, absolutely. But you have to take into consideration how difficult a job it was. I mean to pull off the perfect mix of no accent and a very slight Brooklyn accent? Chris Pratt is the only man in the world who could pull that off,” Miyamoto explained. “When I created Mario in the 1980s — and he was just called Jump Man back then — Chris Pratt was the man I had in mind to personify him. I didn’t know who Chris Pratt was back then, of course. But I could picture him, in 2022, perfectly in my mind as I put the first pixels together to create Mario back then. So of course I had to pay him more than $4,000. Hell, I’m even willing to admit we paid him more than $4,050.”

At press time, Pratt had reportedly put in the paperwork to purchase a $15 million home with his Mario earnings.

Silent Hill Fan Just Thankful No NFTs Were Announced

Posted on October 20, 2022 by Ryan Fleishman

NEW YORK — After watching Konami’s Silent Hill Transmission, long-time series fan Cody Cooper breathed a sigh of relief when the livestream ended with no mention of NFTs.

“Sure, Konami gave free reign over Silent Hill 2, my favorite video game of all time, to a developer whose name sounds like a sequel to Robin William’s Flubber, but I can live with Bloober Team so long as Web 3.0 never comes up,” said Cooper, who was pleasantly surprised that Pyramid Head never took off his iconic pyramid to reveal a tattooed zombie ape. “Normally, I would be furiously typing in the forums about how the diorama of Pyramid Head chasing Maria uses the great knife even though Pyramid Head actually wields his spear in that scene, but I can’t complain knowing that Konami can stoop much, much lower.”

Cooper admitted that he was jump-scared by the merchandising section of the livestream before he realized Konami was selling real statuettes and not encrypted images.

“Honestly, I can’t believe Konami would turn down the opportunity to monetize their franchise on the blockchain,” he said. “No, seriously, I don’t believe it. Has anyone checked their website yet?”

At press time, Cooper confirmed that he believes Konami will never make a good video game in his lifetime, but intends to buy the collector’s edition of every release anyways.

Alex Jones Offers to Voice Bayonetta for Whatever They’ll Give Him

Posted on October 20, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

WATERBURY, Conn. — Alex Jones, controversial broadcaster and recent loser of a nearly billion dollar defamation lawsuit has entered himself into the continuing Bayonetta 3 story by offering to voice the iconic character for a fee of whatever they would be able to scrape together for him.

“Good afternoon folks, Alex Jones here, Infowars dot com,” he said in a recent video emailed to Bayonetta developer PlatinumGames. “As you may have read, an amphibious cabal of globalists has recently demanded that I fork over nearly 11 figures to the families of the school shooting victims I’ve made a living off of harassing. As you can imagine, I’m hard up for cash and selling Brain Force Plus pills isn’t going to be enough to cover the tab I’ve picked up. I’m willing to voice Bayonetta for whatever you’ll give me. Let’s talk. Info wars dot com.”

The offer comes after Hellena Taylor, the voice actor that portrayed the titular Bayonetta character in the first two installments of the franchise, alleged this week that she’d been offered just $4,000 to return to the role for the third, an accusation the game’s developer has denied.

“We were saddened by our inability to come to terms with Hellena Taylor,”said Atsushi Inaba, President and CEO of PlatinumGames. “However, we stand by our statement that we offered to pay her fairly for several recording sessions and that the final pay day would have amounted to much more than four grand. I understand why she was so upset when she saw we’d decided to cast Jennifer Hale instead, and I’m sorry it’s played out in this manner.”

“That being said,” he added. “Some last minute changes occurred and we’ve actually just come to terms with Alex Jones to give him 35 bucks for one to three sessions of voice work. So we’re going to go with him. Sorry again about all of this mess.”

As of press time, Hellena Taylor, Jennifer Hale, and all major social media platforms were urging gamers to boycott Bayonetta 3.

Marvel Snap Movement Deck: Heimdall, Miles Morales, & More

How To Get Out Of Bronze In Overwatch 2

Overwatch 2 Competitive: Silver Tier Tips

Overwatch 2 Competitive Tips: How To Get Out Of Gold

Overwatch 2 Competitive Tips: Rising Above Platinum

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