Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Indie Game Takes Inspiration From EarthBound’s Lack of Financial Success

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Gabe Porter

TUCSON, Ariz. — Game developer Rodney Jones’ latest title, Infinite Dreamz Are Here 2 Stay, is to be inspired by cult-hit 1994 video game EarthBound, not in its aesthetic or humor, by in its horrible sales numbers.

“When people are asked to list what makes EarthBound such a classic gem, what do you think tops that list?” Jones said. “It’s not the engaging story, nor is it the surreal and groundbreaking humor. It’s not even the specific artstyle it pioneered. It’s the fact that it sold like shit. With my new game, I am the only one brave enough to give fans more of what they want: a game that no one knows about or bought so they feel smart and important when they bring it up.”

EarthBound fans are excited to play a game that promises to help them relive the magic.

“So many games coming out are inspired by EarthBound on merely a surface level,” said Alyssa White, a longtime fan of the Mother series. “But I know this one is the real deal. I’m going to totally ignore it on release and wait until the physical edition is fetching around $500 on eBay before I play it, that way I know it’ll be like the game I love. Overpriced and underplayed.”

Series creator Shigesato Itoi is puzzled by the amount of spiritual successors his games have had.

“I would like to apologize for indirecting creating several games that live in the trenches of Steam,” Itoi said after taking a long drag off a cigarette. “Do you know how hard it is to live with myself? Knowing that I am indirectly responsible for YIIK? I couldn’t sleep for weeks after that. Honestly everyone should have just stopped after Undertale, nobody was gonna top that. Maybe Omori too, I guess, I haven’t played that one.”

At press time, Jones has stated his next game, Lost In A Maze Of Your Soul, will take inspiration from Metroid’s lack of releases.

Wario64 Tweets Disturbing Link to Affordable Craigslist Hitman

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Popular video game deal aggregator Twitter account Wario64 has linked to their most disturbing sale yet: a posting on craigslist for a reasonably priced assassin for hire.

“Pretty good deal on a real-life killer,” said the tweet posted early this morning, which was accompanied by a link and a hashtag that reminded followers that it was a paid advertisement.

A click of the link reveals a barely intelligible diatribe from someone that appears to be violently unwell, and among the unformatted ramblings found on the page, a few statements like ‘giv me 100$$$nd ill wack “”NE1””’ seem to indicate that this a person trying to find work as a killer for hire, seemingly charging just $100 to do so.

The video game community was shocked at the latest expansion of Wario 64’s purview.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s come to this,” said one Twitter user that’s followed the account for years. “I went from finding good deals on indie games to scoring hard-to-find consoles to finding out when and where affordable COVID testing was available to me, so I don’t know, maybe this makes sense the more I think about it. Either way, I don’t think I like it. How does he even make money off of a thing like this? Don’t take the blood money, Wario64!”

While many were outraged, some defended the account as doing exactly as it sets out to do.

“Look, I don’t want to play every game they tweet out a sale for,” said one such supporter. “But, I’m not gonna throw a fit every time Wario64 posts about the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, you know? Whatever happened to just ignoring posts you don’t like and keeping on with your day? It’s not like Wario64 hired this person and made them a killer, you know? He’s just telling you when and where he is available.”

Following the controversy surrounding the tweet, Wario64 has deleted it and posted an apology. As of press time, the replies of the apology were mostly filled with people asking about PS5s.

Gun photo via Flicker.

D&D Group Not Close Enough Friends to Help DM Through Whatever’s Going on With Him Right Now

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

TAMPA, Fla. — Despite meeting regularly for nearly three years, not one member of a local Dungeons and Dragons group considers their Dungeon Master, Cristian Pimento, 29, a close enough friend to ask why he’s having a nervous breakdown in the middle of their monthly session.

“I keep expecting someone to speak up,” said Ava Baxter, who plays a level 4 tiefling ranger. “I may have Chris’s number saved in my phone as ‘coworker’s friend’s cousin’s D&D guy,’ but even I can tell that NPC dialogue like this is a red flag. He just ended an encounter by having the goblin mercenaries realize that ‘nothing really matters’ and decide they might as well stop fighting and lay down on the ground until nature takes them. We didn’t even get any experience points for that!”

Despite the close bonds that their Player Characters share, Pimento’s actual players are united only by their shared interest in tabletop gaming and compatible schedules. Ryan Mendozda, who plays a level 5 gnome cleric and met Pimento at a free introductory improv comedy class offered by the local recreation center, reportedly does not even know if Pimento is employed.

“I don’t know anything about what this guy does when he’s not playing D&D and I like it that way,” explained Mendozda. “When we took a break so he could answer his phone, it sounded like he might be talking to a military recruitment agent? That or a Scientologist. I think this guy’s in a bad place. Earlier he slipped up and accidentally called the overpowered necromancer we were fighting ‘dad.’ Then he described us killing him way too graphically. The thing is, I don’t even want to know. I just want to play D&D.”

Those somewhat close but not that close to Pimento have confirmed the Dungeons and Dragons group’s suspicions.

“Yeah, Chris has been going through a rough time lately,” said Zachary Little, Pimento’s roommate of nearly 6 years. “I mean, I don’t really know the specifics, we met on Craigslist and all we really talk about is movies and overdue rent. But it’s good that his friends are finally here! They always sound like they’re having so much fun when they come over. I can already hear Chris crying with joy. I’m glad that dude has a support system he can rely on, otherwise I’d be really worried.”

At press time, the group had a discussion about kicking Pimento out of their monthly sessions, but ultimately decided against it after no one volunteered to take over as Dungeon Master.

Despicable: This NYC Man, West Elm Caleb, Is Dating a New Girl Every Week

Posted on January 21, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

The women of the popular dancing children app TikTok have lit up this week, after realizing that nearly every one of them living in New York City has dated the same shitty man: West Elm Caleb.

Gross! Women all over TikTok were able to piece together an image of West Elm Caleb after realizing they had all been ghosted by the same piece of shit guy, received the same texts from him, and even listened to the same Spotify playlists that he claimed to make exclusively for them!

“Oh my god, just realizing I slept with West Elm Caleb on Saturday night… just hours after he hooked up with another TikToker. I probably wouldn’t even have done it if he hadn’t claimed he was gifting me a donation to a charity called The Human Fund — which was totally made up. The audacity of straight, white, bald, short, somewhat chubby, Jewish, curmudgeonly men who remind me of Larry David,” said a 22-year-old NYC woman on TikTok. “We need to get this man fired from his job at West Elm — which is where he apparently works, even though he told me he worked at Vandelay Industries importing and exporting latex. What an absolute dickhead!”

“Oh my god, turns out everyone in the world has dated this guy. Me too! I was so excited to finally live with Caleb for the rest of my life,” said another Tik Toker. “But when I got out of prison, it seemed like he was upset about it. I was so hurt and confused. This is a warning to all women of New York City: do NOT date Caleb and do NOT let him near your grandma, because in the case of a fire, he will PUSH HER TO THE GROUND.”

“AVOID CALEB AT ALL COSTS,” read one viral Instagram post. “HE SENT ME UNSOLICITED NUDES AND THEN LATER CLAIMED HE HAD JUST BEEN IN THE POOL.”

The story of this awful man has gone so viral on social media that even the more online brands have come together to epically take down Caleb!

“West Elm Caleb seems like the kinda guy who would eat an eclair out of the trash,” tweeted popular bakery Natasha’s Baked Goods, receiving 4,500 likes.

And then just today, Manhattan residents discovered a billboard from a rival dating app to Hinge, which said “Dating red flags: 5’5”, bald with glasses, claims he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head.”

What’s next for West Elm Caleb? Who knows. But internet sleuths have already figured out that Caleb is actually good friends with ANOTHER infamous TikTok character from last month: that creepy old guy Kramer who kept arguing with kids about putting your clothes in the oven so they feel good.

Sparsely Attended ‘Rocky Horror’ Showing Even Sadder Than Usual Tonight

Posted on January 21, 2022 by Andy Holt

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Due to the passing of singer and actor Meat Loaf, this evening’s monthly showing of cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show has proven even more tragic than it normally is, very few attendees report.

“Are you guys ready to have some fun?” asked event coordinator Eve Gershwin, the only person in costume, with RIP Mateloaf misspelled on the screen behind her. “I said, ‘Are you ready to have some fun?’ Seriously, guys. Nothing? Come on, don’t be a Brad about this… ”

Gershwin reportedly looked over the five people spread through the theater, all of them alone, waiting in brutal silence for her to continue.

“Okay, so you were actually supposed to yell ‘asshole’ when I mentioned Brad. It’s one of the fun inside jokes we do here at Rocky Horror night, during the film. So, keep that in mind. I usually have handouts explaining all the jokes and when to do them, but my printer is broken, so we’ll have to do without—but I did remember to bring some rice to throw during the wedding scene! Everybody come up and grab some. Just don’t throw it at anybody’s face or body,” Gershwin said, gesturing to a heartbreaking bag of white rice from CostCo, which not a single person touched the entire evening. “Go ahead, don’t be shy! Anybody? No?”

When asked how the passing of Meat Loaf had changed the mood of the monthly event, one attendee claimed the effect was minimal.

“This is actually a pretty big turnout for us. Lots of energy,” said Brett Xavier, Gershwin’s boyfriend and the only person to attend the monthly event more than once. “Oh, that guy is leaving. Okay. Now we’re down to four. That’s about average.”

At press time, an audience member had approached the bag of rice, but it turned out he was just leaving to go to the restroom.

Single Speck of Dust Trapped Beneath Screen Protector Settles In for the Big Sleep

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Kevin Flynn

WILDWOOD, Miss. — As the helplessness of his situation finally began to sink in, a single speck of dust trapped beneath the freshly applied screen protector of a newly purchased Nintendo Switch OLED Model has reportedly settled in for the big sleep.

“Well, it’s been a fun ride but looks like it’s finally curtains for me,” said the dust speck, with a sense of morose quietude usually reserved for those who know their fate is completely sealed. “The walls are closing in. All of the air bubbles are being squeezed out, hurried along to somewhere else. Farewell, air bubbles! Send me a postcard from wherever you’re headed! Sorry, though, I can’t join you. I should be so lucky. No, here nuzzled up against these blinking lights is where I will remain for the rest of my days. Nothing left to do now but think and wait for the ol’ Sandman to come and tuck me in for good. I’m coming home soon, ma!”

Leading manufacturers of screen protectors go to great lengths to include dust-removing stickers, microfiber cloths, and elaborate applicator mechanisms in their screen protector sets to avoid these unfortunate but all-too-common circumstances.

“It’s a tragedy whenever a speck of dust is permanently imprisoned under glass like some specimen in a lab,” said Dana Eames, a spokesperson for screen protector manufacturer Zagg. “And yet it remains true that, when faced with a chance to save a lone speck of dust trapped beneath their otherwise pristine screen protector, the majority of the population would willfully ignore this important issue. I understand that protecting costly electronic devices is a priority for most people, but what does it say about our society? What if it was your neighbor, or your own son trapped under there? Would you be as callous as you are to the specks of dust? I hope not, and yet knowing how many specks of dust are trapped out there, I pray for the future of our country.”

At press time, Eames added that anyone feeling remorse about dust specks trapped beneath their screen protectors are welcome to show contrition by ordering a replacement screen protector on Zagg’s webstore.

Logan Paul Really Hoping Overpriced Box of Fake Pokémon Cards He Bought Isn’t a Metaphor for His Career

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Kevin Flynn

PUERTO RICO — Still reeling from his very avoidable public error in financial judgment, YouTuber, podcast host, and controversial celebrity boxer Logan Paul has reportedly been wandering around his lavish Puerto Rico estate and hoping out loud to himself that the overpriced box of fake Pokémon cards he bought for $3.5 million dollars isn’t actually a metaphor for his career.

“I guess that video turned out well in the end because it got millions of views and tons of blog coverage, but something just isn’t sitting right with me,” mused Paul between weightlifting reps for an upcoming boxing match. “I mean, I’m glad they were recording when I found out there were just a bunch of random G.I. Joe cards inside those first edition Pokémon boxes, and it certainly made for good content to see me cry about how much money I had lost, but I just really hope that whole experience wasn’t actually a stand-in for how my deceptively lavish lifestyle and net worth is concealing the cheap, hollow reality of my long-term career prospects.”

Paul reportedly continued this lucid stream-of-consciousness monologue for several hours throughout the course of filming a vlog, recording a podcast, and several radio show call-in spots.

“I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that the cards were fake,” mused Paul in a segment of one vlog titled “I’m Having An Existential Crisis.” “I mean, there’s only a finite amount of original cards in the world. Just like how there are only so many original ideas to make content about. Take my body of work, for example. You might take a look at my YouTube uploads and think they’re very valuable as a set, just like that fully sealed cardboard crate of original first edition Pokémon card base set booster boxes. But if you were to look closer at any one of those videos, turn them around in your hand, and really feel the weight of them, you’d probably come to the realization that there’s something a little off about what’s inside. Oh shit, wait, is that what a metaphor is?”

At press time, Paul had reportedly shrugged off his existential crisis and decided to challenge the fake Pokémon card seller to a boxing match.

Meme Group Has More Subplots Than TV Show It’s Dedicated To

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Andy Holt

SARASOTA, Fla. — A Facebook meme group about the children’s show Electro-Friends has a more complex web of conflict than the show itself, several members confirmed.

“What I love most about Electro-Friends is the friendship between Electro-Boy and Electro-Girl. Even in the episodes where there’s no dialogue and some of the scenes aren’t animated, you can still tell they’re friends. That’s what matters,” wrote moderator Greg Sotto, 34, in a post to the group. “After our blowup over the Dr. Electro debate, I think some folks around here could learn a thing or two about friendship themselves. We don’t want another mass exodus like we had in March 2019 (shudder), so let’s keep the vibe positive.”

The mood of the group was tense following a recent altercation, in which two longtime members fought about the show’s only other character, Dr. Electro.

“Kat posted a meme that she clearly got from the Discord, even though she knows I have bad history with that place—I left in protest last month when the mods allowed a non-canon post to stay on the RP channel for two entire days,” said Vanessa Canto, whose application to be a moderator has been denied ten times. “And if that isn’t enough, the meme itself basically implied that Dr. Electro was more of a ‘neutral antagonist’ than a villain. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but Dr. Electro is an evil physicist. Full stop. His apologists should not be welcome in this group. I reported her to the mods, but they refused to take action. No surprise there.”

Kat Xander, the member who posted the meme, claimed Canto was only telling part of the story.

“This is not about Dr. Electro, who did nothing wrong. Jan has hated me for a long time. It all started when we were both mods on a fan group for the Danish spinoff series, Elektriske Søskende. I wouldn’t let her add her cousin to the group because her cousin couldn’t name ten episodes of Electro-Friends. It’s nothing personal, I was just protecting the integrity of the group. But that was ages ago,” said Xander, 13. “She needs to move on.”

Canto has reportedly taken her appeal to the group admin, but she has yet to hear back, as the admin stopped using Facebook two years ago.

Castlevania Millennial Worried They Will Never Own a House With a Second Upside Down House Under It

Posted on January 20, 2022 by Jon Ruggiero

WALLACHIA, Romania — Local millennial Daniel Balan, 32, is reportedly fed up with the state of the world and worries that he will never be able to afford a home with an exact replica of that same home directly under it.

“I left Romania years ago for college in America, and was doing pretty well working at a Medieval Times restaurant in Scottsdale,” Balan explained. “But once everything shut down for COVID I didn’t have anywhere else to go but back home. It’s frustrating to be back. I don’t hate where I grew up, but I think most people feel like the place they’re from is filled with ghouls and goblins.”

Home for Balan is in a small village under the watchful eye of Count Dracula’s Castle, which has intimidated the townsfolk for generations.

“Growing up here you always look at the castle with a bit of fear, but mostly jealousy,” Balan explained. “At least for me; I would love to have a castle that had food hidden in the walls, monsters crawling over every surface, and an upside down version of the castle under it only accessible once you’ve finished exploring the main castle. Now, with the way the economy is, I’ll never have a place of my own like that. Or even at all!”

Staying with his parents on their ancestral farm, Balan has taken stock of his life and examined his priorities. “At this point I’d be happy with any place that has another room under it. I tried to tell my dad about that but he said ‘Isn’t that just a basement?’ It’s hard talking to him because he just doesn’t get it.”

Until he hears back from Medieval Times, Balan will reportedly stay in Wallachia and continue working with his father to cook the chicken that the nearby castles stash in their walls.

Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters Denies Application From Girl Who Claims to Be Mutant-Level Empath

Posted on January 19, 2022 by Garrick Burger

ATHENS, Ga. — Local teen Ashlyn Parker was rejected from Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters on the basis that she wasn’t given ample time to demonstrate her superhuman powers of empathy, according to those deeply familiar with the situation and Parker’s emotions.

“Frankly I was just shocked that I wasn’t accepted, especially after I sent them a link to my Instagram,” said Parker, posting a quick selfie for World Introvert Day. “I pride myself on my ability to sense a person’s mood and make comments about their anxieties in group settings. I’m talking mutant-level empathy, here. Like I care so much about other people, that my DNA must have mutated to let me be able to do so. But that’s my life! I don’t even care that much about the rejection, because I’m just thinking about all the other people who were rejected. Because I’m so empathetic — you get that I’m empathetic, right?”

According to close sources, Parker’s current classmates seemed unsurprised by her rejection.

“It was sometime last year when she started wearing this brown felt hat whenever she left the house”, said Kiley Marshal, a close friend Parker texts once every 3 months. “I just knew pretty soon she was going to start talking about crystals and listening to Mac Miller — now this. One of the guys at that school can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. Like that’s obviously a mutant, you know? Dude can’t even walk around without sunglasses. But saying you care about other people and making it about yourself? That’s not a superhuman ability, it’s just being an asshole.”

Dana Evans, a spokesperson for Xavier’s school, commented on the recent decision.

“Our admissions department is flooded with applications similar to Miss Parker’s,” said Evans in a written statement. “We get applicants that say they have a connection with animals or that they’re in tune with nature — whatever that means. These are not mutant abilities. They are just things that normal people use in place of a personality. Learn to fly or don’t apply again.”

Parker claimed to have already moved on from the rejection.

“I feel like their energy was pretty toxic tbh. I have better stuff to do,” she said before her daily chakra cleansing. “My friend actually just invited me to a training seminar for selling essential oils. Who needs school when I can be my own boss?”

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