Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Neil Young Demands Microsoft Oppose Activision-Blizzard Abuses or Remove His Indie Games From Gamepass

Posted on January 28, 2022 by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — Following his very public falling out with Spotify over his opposition to their platforming of Joe Rogan, the groundbreaking folk rock musician Neil Young released a statement today saying that he would not rest until his partnerships with all amoral companies were erased, starting with Microsoft. Young is demanding that the tech giant oppose labor abuses at Activision-Blizzard or else remove his vast and acclaimed catalogue of indie gaming hits from Xbox Game Pass.

“I am doing this because Microsoft is sanitizing Bobby Kotick’s image for profit and attempting to snuff the flame of a growing worker’s union initiative in the process,” Mr. Young wrote in a blog post on his itch.io profile which has since been deleted. “Please act on this immediately today and keep me informed of the time schedule. They can have Kotick or Young. Not both.”

Young’s letter pressures Microsoft to choose between its newest prospective business acquisition and his 41 beloved indie games, which are downloaded a total of 200,000 times on the game streaming platform per month. The Game Pass user base is estimated to account for 40% of Young’s monthly income as a game developer.

“If Microsoft sides against Neil Young, as they’re expected to, that would mean so many gamers will lose access to games such as After the Gold Rush: Gaiden, Crazy Horse Taxi, and Harvest Moon: No, The Other One,” said gaming industry analyst Tracy Forsythe. “It’s a bold move by Young, but not surprising considering his moral character. Clearly, this Activision-Blizzard thing means a lot to him personally, or else he wouldn’t put such a treasure trove of gaming history on the line like that. You really have to respect his guts.”

Diehard fans say they will seek out ways to play Young’s games through traditional means even if they are removed from streaming platforms.

“I’m really glad I held on to my PonoStation, because it’ll really come in handy now,” said Young fan and obscure console enthusiast Regis Bryce. “I can’t believe he actually built a piece of dedicated hardware just for playing his own games, but that’s just how much indie cred he has, I guess! Keep fighting the good fight, Neil!”

At press time, Neil Young said he would soon be preparing a similar ultimatum challenging Epic Games to either admit that they ripped off PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds or remove his premium skin and emotes from Fortnite.

Wrinkly Kong Wishes They Would Just Call Her “Grandma” or Something

Posted on January 27, 2022 by Zach Raffio

DONKEY KONG ISLAND — Kong Family matriarch Wrinkly Kong expressed her desire this week for her family to retire her physically-observant name and maybe just call her, like, “grandma” or something, the generally exhausted ape lady confirmed.

“Look, I know I’m no spring primate, but do we have to point out that age has altered my appearance in the name?” questioned Wrinkly, who we felt was appropriate to call that given she’s not our grandma. “Granny Kong. Nana Kong. I’d even take Eventual Dowager Kong. I guess it’s better than Fake Hip & New Cataract Kong, but only slightly.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Wrinkly Kong (again, sorry) isn’t the only member of the Kong clan who sits unhappy with their moniker.

“I could stand to put on some muscle, sure, but come on… fucking Lanky Kong?” asked the wacky orangutan while flipping around like a strand of cooked spaghetti. “I just don’t think we should be naming each other based on physical appearance. Did you know I read French poetry and spend most of my afternoons studying antique maps? Yeah, I’m a ball of energy who flies around on little rocket shoes, but that’s not all I am. Call me Cultured Kong.”

Some of the less-insultingly named Kong members —including Candy Kong, Diddy Kong, and the objectively sexy Swanky Kong — expressed their hesitancy to tweak any member of the family titles. Creator Shigeru Miyamoto stands with the satisfied portion of the clan.

“I call em like I see em,” noted Miyamoto, who insisted on calling our staff a mix of Smelly Reporter, Needs Haircut Reporter, and Bags-Under-Eyes Reporter. “Having wrinkles isn’t an insult, it’s a sign of a life well-lived. If she keeps running her mouth, well then who knows – maybe she’ll end up with the name Passed In Her Sleep No Suspicion of Foul Play Kong.”

At press time, Wrinkly Kong was seen knitting banana sweaters for her large and loving family, being sure to give them space while letting them know that she loves them unconditionally. She expressed her desire not to be a burden on any of her young family members, and that all she’s asking for is a little increased respect from the people she olds closest. Nobody remembered to call on her birthday.

River City Police Finally Take Down High Profile Girlfriend Kidnapping Ring

Posted on January 27, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

RIVER CITY — Local police believe they have finally thwarted the crime ring that has seen dozens of local high school girlfriends get kidnapped over the last several decades.

“This is it, the big one,” said the River City Police Chief. “These sick fucks have been pretty much doing whatever they want in our streets for as long as I worked here, and it’s so nice to finally bring these punks to justice. Hopefully, these kids can have a homecoming dance that doesn’t feel like half a funeral. I think that’d be really nice for them.”

The kidnapping ring has been active for years, with a particularly active period in the late ’80s and early ’90s. While their motives still remain somewhat unclear, their tactics have remained the same for decades.

“I’ve seen it go down a hundred times,” said a local owner of a karate bookstore. “Some guy and a girl having a nice time, next thing you know eight punks are grabbing the girl and beating the guy with chains and tires. Then they go hide out with the girl for a while and eventually let her go back. It’s definitely criminal, and not at all appropriate, but thank god they don’t ever really do anything with these women. I think maybe they just don’t know how to talk to girls.”

Shortly after being apprehended and arrested for the most recent kidnapping, Lucky, the head of the River Street Posse, swore he was just being misunderstood.

“That wasn’t Alex’s girlfriend, see?” said Lucky. “That was mine, yeah, that’s right. My girlfriend. You guys got no case, no way this will stick. She was only on the top floor of that empty warehouse with me because she wanted to be up there with me, ya understand?”

As of press time, Lucky’s second in command had broken in, single-handedly beat up four dozen police officers, and helped him escape.

HBO’s ‘Sad People Fuck’ Renewed for Second Season

Posted on January 26, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Last fall’s breakthrough hit Sad People Fuck has been renewed by HBO for a second season to premiere later this year, sources have confirmed.

“Wow, that’s such great news,” said Allison Reynolds, an outspoken fan of the show’s introductory season. “You never know when new shows come on if they’re gonna get canceled or not. Even something like Sad People Fuck that doesn’t feel like anything you’ve ever seen. The way they just sort of sit around staring and moping before asking one another if they’d like to have sex is, quite frankly, more visceral and cathartic than anything else on TV. Give them all the Emmys. Comedy and drama, if we’re being honest.”

The show is from executive producer Ellis Conway, who produced previous hits such as Rich People Pout and MTV’s 22 & Old.

“I’m ecstatic HBO is letting me continue to tell this story,” Conway said. “We’ll see the further exploits of Carter, Ruth Anne, A’shleeigh, Domino, and Fishtank, and I promise you, they’re gonna be sadder than ever. As well as featuring some of the signature sex scenes that our show has kind of become known for. Oh, and you get to see Fishtank’s dick this season!”

Critics lauded the show for its flawless mix of relatable drama and stone-cold hotties straight porkin’ for an hour.

“Look, television is an escape, and as a normal-looking adult with actual problems, I like to come home at the end of the day and watch some famous actor’s daughter pretend to be a college freshman with an underwhelming sex life,” said Curt Lester, one of many critics that declared Sad People Fuck the best show of 2021. “I don’t need battles or chase scenes or CGI or musical numbers to enjoy a show. Just pubes and tears, really.”

As of press time, in addition to the second season of Sad People Fuck, HBO has also announced an upcoming one-time special titled: Sad People Fuck: The Season One Reunion.

Random! This Video Game Company Happens to Be Completely Restructuring Right After Employees Started Unionizing

Posted on January 26, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

OK so this is so freaking random! Apparently video game developers SuperTech, creators of the massively popular Guns Out! franchise, is completely restructuring their company, changing the status of all their employees and contractors. And get this, as an absolutely wild coincidence, those employees just began working on forming a union. What are the odds?!

“Oh my god, our employees are trying to unionize? Really? That’s so crazy, I had no idea! Wow, that’s seriously such weird timing. Huh!” said SuperTech CEO Archibald Davidson in a statement. “Well, obviously these new titles and benefits, as well as the shake ups that will occur as a result of restructuring, will completely demolish any attempts at forming a union. That’s really too bad. What a random coincidence, the timing of that, by the way. Well, at least everyone is gonna get a fun new work ID card and all that! Plus, some people should get some pretty massive bonuses — upwards of $5 an hour — so maybe the union won’t be needed after all! It’s crazy how things all just sort of work out in the end, but I’m glad we can instead focus on rolling up our sleeves, working some 12 hour days, and getting a whole new game finished in the next few months.”

Damn! Honestly, we would have thought that maybe Davidson would have heard about the unionization effort, but that’s straight from the horse’s mouth: he had absolutely no idea at all. It’s so crazy, because the restructuring will decimate the union stuff, so you’d think maybe it was on purpose, but apparently it’s not.

Plus it’s great to hear about executives who actually care about their employees. Sources from within SuperTech have revealed that the office will be getting a whole second coffee machine in the breakroom! So many developers just let their workers crunch until they destroy their health, but SuperTech is one of the good guys, making sure to take care of those who work on the Guns Out! franchise. Apparently, they’re even thinking about giving developers overtime pay, which would be amazing, considering that overtime is about 85% their work.

So that’s that! We should probably reach out to some of the employees at SuperTech at some point, but that’s a subject for a different article.

This article is sponsored by Guns Out! Get Into the War. Want some epic war sim action at your fingertips? Guns Out! Get Into the War launches on all platforms June 18, 2022. Blast ‘em up good, the Guns Out way!

Film-Buff Priest Absolves Shitty Director of CinemaSins

Posted on January 25, 2022 by Kevin Podas

NEW YORK — After his sermon this past Sunday, Catholic priest and notable film buff Father Murphy posted up in a confessional booth, absolving church-goers of their CinemaSins and offering penance to directors who were clearly incapable of making a coherent movie.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have CinemaSinned,” said one awful director, obscured behind a grated screen. “I knew not that I included too many one-liners in my script, that I blew the budget on subpar CGI, or that I had completely failed the Bechdel test. Please, forgive me.”

Father Murphy, a priest for over 50 years and an avid movie-goer for just as long, didn’t know why so many terrible directors came to him to absolve their CinemaSins. He answered the righteous calling nonetheless.

“First and foremost, my loyalties are to the Catholic church,” said Father Murphy. “But when it comes to film, I can’t stand when the main cast isn’t introduced until a whopping 15 minutes into the movie, or when a key grip is visible in the background of one of the shots, or when the director clearly forgets to resolve multiple obvious plot holes — but, I digress. Jesus taught us to forgive and turn the other cheek, even when the CinemaSins are particularly atrocious.”

The incompetent director, who asked to remain anonymous as per tradition of the Catholic church, said he felt a newfound sense of rejuvenation after having confessed his numerous CinemaSins.

“It’s like a weight has been lifted off my back,” the director said. “After racking up a MovieSin Count of 1,572 over the course of a 20-minute video, I never thought I’d stop hearing that ‘ding’ ‘ding’ ‘ding’ in my head. I know now the only way to quiet that noise is through the forgiveness of God, and in turn, forgiving myself. After all, to CinemaSin is to be human.”

At press time, the nameless director was forced to subscribe to CinemaSins on YouTube and sit through several hours of their videos as penance for his acts against god and film.

Link Refuses to Talk to Police About Robbery He Witnessed

Posted on January 25, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

KAKARIKO VILLAGE — Local folk hero and adventurer Link has garnered the support of his community after refusing to speak with local police about a robbery he witnessed firsthand.

“Based, totally fucking based,” said an impressed resident Kakariko Village. “While our community certainly has to investigate the root causes of some of the crimes we’ve seen lately, Link understands that involving law enforcement only raises the odds that someone’s homes would get raided and their chickens slaughtered. Link’s the fuckin’ man.”

The robbery occurred last night, as a masked villager entered the Kakariko Village shop and quickly absconded with ten bombs, a life heart, and a big tub of red potion.

“No, I haven’t spoken to any guards,” said the shopkeeper. “I have insurance, and Link was right there and got a look at the guy. What do I need Hyrule guards for? Is there a helpless old man in town that requires a beating? No? Then why are you asking me if the guards can help me out?”

Princess Zelda stood by her longtime associate, saying she would refuse to press state charges on Link for his refusal to cooperate in an ongoing investigation.

“Look, Link had a different upbringing than a lot of us,” she said. “I was born and raised into privilege; the Hyrule guards have never had anything resembling a desire to be less than honest with me. But Link? Link’s had a sword in his hand since he was seven years old, and has sadly had to slay about 400 guards in his life, just for trying to do the right thing. So I completely understand his hesitancy to assist the authorities in this case. If I know Link like I think I do, he’ll just find the bastard and put an arrow in his heart. He says it’s better to handle our own problems rather than rely on piggish authority figures that don’t even live in this town. Well, he wrote that down and showed it to me once.”

As of press time, Link refused to speak to any media about the continued crime spike in Hyrule Village.

Tattoo Parlor Refuses to Do Swastikas, Iron Crosses, Triforces

Posted on January 24, 2022 by Gabe Porter

PARMA, Ohio — Tattoo parlor The Lazy Tiger has announced a controversial ban on several hate symbols and also the Triforce from The Legend of Zelda.

“I just want to make sure that my shop is a safe place, free from hate and any of that tacky nerd stuff,” said owner Todd Jenine. “If a kid comes in here asking for a Triforce, I tell them to stop being a dork and get a cool tiger, or the yin yang symbol. Now that stuff’s dope as hell.”

Some customers deemed the new rule overzealous and unnecessary.

“I came in there with this Hyrule shield design I stole from DeviantArt, and he just laughed in my face! It’s my body, so I don’t get how he can say no,” said hardcore Zelda fan Erik Witt. “You know what, I’m gonna make my own tattoo parlor where I only do designs they won’t do at this shop. What were the other ones they’re banning, again?”

Others saw this practice as a great preventative against regretful decisions.

“I was covered in hate speech, several different symbols ranging from the iron cross to a few risque Pepe memes,” rehabilitated racist Val Ronald said. “I also had several Zelda tattoos that I just felt were tasteless. After spending $40,000 to remove them all, I hope that others can avoid the mistakes I have made.”

At press time Jenine had added several more designs into the banned list, including KKK iconography as well as the Mushroom from Mario.

Zack Snyder to Make 4-Hour, 1.33:1 Aspect Ratio Version of Joss Whedon’s Vulture Interview

Posted on January 24, 2022 by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker Zack Snyder announced today that he is working on a 4-hour remake of Joss Whedon’s interview with Vulture in which he attempted to address some of the many accusations and criticism leveled at him by collaborators over the years.

“In 2021, they brought me in to repair Whedon’s mangling of the Justice League movie,” explained Snyder. “So it made sense for me to come in and turn this article into something that better fits my vision. Lower the saturation, rework the edits, get rid of the creepy sexual stuff — definitely cut that part where Whedon says that he ‘had’ to have affairs with young women on the set of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is my vision of the Joss Whedon Vulture article and it feels good to finally release the version that I wanted made.”

Those who read Whedon’s interview were thankful to hear that Snyder was taking on the remake.

“Tonally, Whedon’s interview was all over the place. You can really tell it was made by someone who had no idea what he was doing, stitching together a bunch of different stories and apologies together into a nonsensical ugly hodgepodge,” said Andrew Partridge, a film critic. “Is Snyder going to make it good? Almost certainly not. But he can make it better, for sure. The Snyder Cut of the Vulture Interview should hopefully, at least, bring closure to fans who waited a long time for this interview only to find it nonsensical, full of plot holes, and dismissive of people of color.”

“I DUNNO WHAT THE JOSS WHEDON INTERVIEW IS,” said Twitter user @Batman4Ever69420, “BUT FUCK THAT GUY FOREVER!!! RELEASE THE FUCKING SNYDER CUT, WHAT EVER THAT IS!!!!!”

At press time, Whedon couldn’t be reached for comment, thank Christ.

Podcast Fan Not Sure What to Listen to While Looking for Something to Listen To

Posted on January 22, 2022 by Gabe Porter

BROOKSVILLE, Fla. — Local audiophile Tanya Binns has been searching for a podcast to occupy her ears while she desperately looks for a podcast to listen to, undecided sources confirmed.

“I really love having the background noise of podcasts going while I do just about everything,” said Binns, who refused to do this interview unless an episode of The Adventure Zone was playing. “But today I reached a truly horrific roadblock. I wasn’t able to find a podcast to have on while I do my usual browsing of podcasts to have on. I was paralyzed with fear and choices, my podcast app takes up about 95% of my storage on my phone and I’ve listened to everything at least once. It’s just hard to live a life where podcasts are so rich and varied.”

Binns’ roommate, Nicole Jester, further elaborated on the condition.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her without her airpods in,” Jester said. “She is impossible to talk to, because I don’t know if she’s listening to me, or listening to Matt Mercer describing some fantasy bullshit. If a podcast isn’t playing she loses all motivation to do anything, and lately she’s been holed up in her room trying to perfect her daily playlist of podcasts. I get wanting some background noise, but enough is enough.”

Some see Binns’ addiction not as an issue, but as an opportunity.

“Well obviously I know what she should listen to,” explained Bruce Sanderson, host of Breaking Down Breaking Bad. “My newest episode just dropped and I have a feeling that not just her, but everyone reading this right now would love it. Please, please listen to it and give me five stars on whatever podcast app you use.”

At press time, Binns had given up on discovering a new podcast and decided to just listen to an audiobook.

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