Pokémon Legends: Arceus Is Exactly the Game Fans Begged For in Like 2011

The internet has blown up with praise for Pokémon Legends: Arceus, Game Freak’s newest edition to the long-running Pokémon series, and arguably its best game to date. And you know what? They’re right! The hype is real; Pokémon Legends: Arceus is genuinely an incredibly fun experience and innovative new direction for the franchise. Which is really funny considering that it kind of really sucks.

In all the best and all the worst ways, Pokémon Legends: Arceus feels like someone made a really dope mod for Skyrim that lets you catch Pokémon (and didn’t immediately get taken out by Pokémon Company hitmen). It might be the most Nintendo Hired This Man game of all time, seemingly adapted from Reddit posts where people photoshopped Pikachu and a battle UI onto screenshots of Breath of the Wild

Pikachu fucking someone up in Skyrim fills my heart with wonder.

Let’s start with the good. It’s a bit insane that it took so long for Game Freak to update the formula in this way. Pokémon fans are used to grading Game Freak on a curve; the series has basically been exactly the same since its debut in 1996, with each edition adding new monsters, (arguably) better graphics, some quality-of-life upgrades, and a slightly more linear path for players to walk along to the Elite Four. Really all they did is finally make good on the promise that Pokémon fans have imagined from the beginning: walking around and finding wild Pokémon to throw balls at until you catch them or battle them into submission. 

And it’s fucking awesome. It’s like you’re actually in a Pokémon game! They like actually pulled off the dream of what a Pokémon game can be. And a whole bunch of the guys are in there. All your Pokémon pals from across the series are just hanging out and walking around, ready to party with you. (I should mention here that it’s not all of the Pokémon from the series). As a casual fan, this is the most fun I’ve had playing a Pokémon probably since I was an actual child, the age you’re supposed to be when you’re playing Pokémon.

Which is why it’s so funny that the game is otherwise pretty bad. Let’s get the obvious out of the way: whoa this game looks ugly. Graphics ultimately aren’t that big of a deal, and Sonic the Hedgehog told me that he wants shorter games with worse graphics made by people who are paid more to work less and he’s not kidding. And I agree, that sounds great.

Yeah, real cool, Sonic. But where were you when the people who made your movie fired all of the animators? Showing off clips to Jimmy Fallon?! I can’t believe I used to look up to you.

But also… damn lol. That’s really how the game looks? For real, though? I know people love to compare this to Breath of the Wild and the argument is that Pokémon has a lot more guys running around on screen at once, but also I played Breath of the Wild on my Wii U gamepad in 2017. It is straight up jarring to see a Gyarados flying off in the distance, jittering around the screen with fewer frames than it did when it was in an actual sprite in Pokémon Silver or whatever. When I say that this is the game fans wanted in 2011, I mean that they were limited by how games looked in 2011. I’m not trying to be one of those guys who misunderstands how difficult it is to develop a video game, and I don’t want developers to crunch more at all, but it’s pretty crazy to think that this was made as part of the highest grossing media franchise ever.

I also sat down with this game with the idea that I would pay attention to the story. I’ll admit, I’ve struggled to care about what’s going on in a Pokémon game in the past; I could not tell you the name of a single character in Pokémon Sword with a gun to my head (a situation I expect to one day find myself in, without a doubt). I’m here to chew gum and collect little guys and I’m all out of energy to read through text because I work all day and I’m just trying to sit down on my couch at night, collect the little guys, and chew gum because I heard once in middle school that it’s technically good for your teeth.

I couldn’t do it, you guys. I couldn’t read all this text. I just don’t have it in me.

The way that Pokémon Legends: Arceus has you fill up the Pokédex is really clever and I thought that was fun, but I think it’s telling that everyone I’ve talked to about this game is like “I loved it! I hope they build a game around it next.” Because Pokémon Legends: Arceus isn’t really a full game. It’s just a list of admittedly very fun tasks to fulfill. And I agree: I do hope they make a game out of this concept! I think this would be really fun if they adapted this mobile game into a full-fledged Pokémon game. Nintendo, please hire me if you need an ideas guy because I’m fucking full of them. What if Pikachu was purple? Is anyone writing this down?!

The boss battles in this game have you throwing infinite berries at big yellow guys while Pokémon Legends: Arceus does a boring impression of Super Mario Odyssey. Which, now that I mention it, is probably closer to what this game feels like than Breath of the Wild. You go to different areas and interact with different enemies, and generally fuck around hanging out in the worlds they’ve built for you. Except in Odyssey, each world feels very unique and there’s all these cool little platforming challenges for you to bounce around. In Arceus, on the other hand, everything is pretty much a plain area with a different tiled texture over the ground (you can see the tiles, no joke lol). In Arceus the extent that you are “platforming” is that you yell at your Switch, begging it to explain to you which little barriers of dirt you can jump up onto and which you can’t (answer: it’s pretty much all of them.) Pokémon are finally dangerous in Pokémon Legends: Arceus, but so are rivers. Boy do you drown a lot in the first few hours of this game!

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining that much. The game is fun. I’ve been having fun playing with it. I caught a shiny, so it’s automatically good. Shinx, by the way — seems to be fairly common. Hell, all shinies are more “common” in this game just due to the fact that you can see them walking around, which is incredibly cool and exciting. It’s the Pokémon game I dreamed of playing when I was a kid, playing Pokémon Yellow and watching my little Pikachu follow me around.

A beloved feature that Game Freak forgot how to put back into their games until, I think, Heart Gold and Soul Silver? Someone correct me in the comments, please.

On that note, there’s a certain star power that Pokémon have that the franchise’s competitors can’t seem to figure out. Because there feels like so many things that Game Freak could do to easily make these games better, so why hasn’t anyone come along and just done it on their own? With a new franchise? They’ve tried, to be fair. For example, Temtem tried to be a Pokémon clone with all the quality-of-life upgrades that fans have begged for. I remember watching the trailer and promising myself I would try it out, but I never did, for some reason. 

Playing Pokémon Legends: Arceus finally solidified why for me. Pokémon being the highest grossing franchise of all time isn’t just a random thing that happened by accident, it’s because we’ve all grown fond of these characters. When I see Pikachu walking around in the game now, it’s like spotting a celebrity. And Arceus really cleverly cashes in on that iconography by letting players roam a world filled with these encounters. It’s an exciting experience to turn a corner and see an alpha Snorlax sitting behind a big rock, ready to body slam you into oblivion. And by oblivion, I mean taking a knee and teleporting back to home base.

Ultimately, I’m excited to see what slop those Game Freaks cook up next for their hungry fans. Because I really am excited to slurp it down. We grade Pokémon games on a curve because they have one big thing that no other game series has: Pokémon. I hope one day when we’re out catching ‘em all, they’re catching up to the level of video games of the current year they are making them in. Or at least be less than a decade behind.

What Does the Sony/Bungie Deal Mean for Me, a Weird Guy Who Still Just Plays Geometry Wars?

Hello gamer! I’m sure you’ve heard the big news of the day. Following Microsoft’s acquisition of Bethesda for a zillion dollars, today Sony has purchased Bungie, developer of Destiny and former developer of the Halo series. Once again news of a major merger between hardware and software companies have sent gamers scrambling to social media to speculate as to the futures of their favorite games and consoles. In fact, if you’re anything like me, you have spent the last eight years focusing solely on gathering high scores in Geometry Wars 3: Dimensions, and if you’re like me, you’re also TERRIFIED at what this merger might mean to your favorite game of all time. 

Released in 2014, Geometry Wars 3 was the sequel to the highly-anticipated (by me and Kevin at least) sequel to Geometry Wars 2: Retro Evolved. The franchise was born out of a minigame in  Project Gotham Racing 2, and has gone on to become one of the most beloved twin-stick geometry-based shooters to come out in the last few decades. 

Now that Bethesda has aligned with Microsoft, and Bungie with Sony, it’s only a matter of time before the bidding war starts for Lucid Games, who inherited the series after Activision shut down the series’ original creator, Bizarre Creations. Will Phil Spencer open up the checkbook and lock down exclusive rights to Geometry Wars 4? Or will Sony score it’s biggest coup yet, and blindside XBox fanboys everywhere by finally asserting true dominance in the kinda-like-if-they-made-Asteroids-now genre of shooting games that has become a favorite of many gamers, myself included?

There’s no way to know for certain how this will all shake out for all the Geometry Wars heads out there, so all we can do is be safe and strategic. If we take the lessons learned from GW2’s Pacifism mode (the best offense is a good defense) and apply them to the scary cold frontier of modern console gaming, the only conclusion one can reach is that the future is unpredictable, nothing is guaranteed, and anything can happen. Us responsible gamers must buy as many different systems with hard copies of Geometry Wars games installed on them as quickly as possible, for any day now the Citizen Kane of video games may in fact be exclusive to one platform, a crime akin to not translating the most beautiful works of literature into other languages.  

This young year has already seen seismic shifts in the landscape of gaming, and as monumental as these deals seem, we all need to be ready for the fucking big one. The console wars will be won with geometry. Mark my words.

GameFAQs Adds ‘Private Mode’ For Gamers Who Want To Look Up Humiliating Walkthroughs

SAN FRANCISCO — Mainstay video game walkthrough website GameFAQs rolled out a new highly-requested “Private Mode” feature for gamers looking to hide their humiliating walkthrough history from family or friends, the company announced in a statement earlier today.

“Through our market research and our deep connections to the gaming community, we’ve found that most gamers are shy about their walkthrough history,” said GameFAQs spokesperson Theodore Cauldron. “Some even buy dedicated burner laptops to hide digital evidence of walkthroughs from their loved ones. Starting today, GameFAQs users can privately and confidently learn tips like how to find the shortcuts in Mario Kart or the solution to that pesky Gris puzzle that’s been torturing them for days.”

While this new feature will provide peace of mind to gamers who need discreet assistance, it’s also been widely praised by those partners, parents, and friends who’ve had to witness their loved ones struggle.

“I would see my partner at 2 in the morning scrolling countless walkthroughs for basic shit in Ocarina of Time while I pretended to be asleep,” lamented Bunny Lee, significant other of an embarrassed, self-conscious gamer. “I eventually checked their browser history out of curiosity and instantly regretted it.” 

“We grew up playing NES so we understand that some things just require hard work and repetition,” recalled disappointed parents Joe and Mary Gonzalez, whose son recently searched for an FAQ about strategies for winning in Fall Guys. “Ninja Gaiden gave us nightmares as kids, but when our son accidentally cast his phone screen to our TV we saw his open tab on GameFAQ’s was a search for ‘How to pass Fall Guys’, we all pretended to not see it. It made for an awkward evening. I’m just glad this new feature will make it so I never have to know those kinds of disappointing things.”

At press time, GameFAQs confirmed they will also use the new data gathered in private mode to do extremely invasive targeted advertising and user tracking.

How Banjo and Kazooie’s Ethical Non-Monogamy Saved Their Workplace Relationship

SPIRAL MOUNTAIN 一 Saying that the agreement has helped protect them from past feelings of staleness and frustration in their romantic commitment to one another, long-time adventuring duo and life partners Banjo and Kazooie thanked the practice of ethical non-monogamy for saving their workplace relationship.

“Spicing things up with additional partners fixed our marriage, ahuh!” said Banjo, standing shirtless in his garden and enjoying the sunrise as it hit Spiral Mountain. “I find myself shouting ‘wuh-oaaa,’ ‘wuh-hey,’ and ‘whee!’ like I used to when we were teenagers. It was like collecting a missing puzzle piece. Now we can get jiggy whenever we want, guh-huh!” 

The suggestion originally came to the couple from their closest ally and part-time couples intimacy therapist, Mumbo Jumbo.

“Horny bear and kinky bird live together, adventure together,” Mumbo explained. “Feather-face ride bear-butt all day. Metaphor, but also real. No personal space. It take no Mumbo magic to see: they need space. New people spice things up. Wham bam thank ma’am.”

As soon as they heeded Mumbo’s words of wisdom, the two regained their former cohesion, both in and out of the bedroom.

“I turned Goggles—erm, Bottles—the mole into my little simp-anzee,” said Kazooie. “I always had him pegged as a sub, and I do mean pegged! I let out my aggression on that geek, and then I’m good to cuddle up in Banjo’s backpack for hours, no problem. My life is good!”

Some of the dynamic duo’s pruder compatriots, however, have wondered how these shameless flings will fit into their family-friendly world.

“I saw my brother humping Humba Wumba on the same day that I saw Kazooie cheating with Cheato, and I truly feel like I’ve lost sight of some innocence I once had,” said Banjo’s kid sister, Tooty. “I even saw Conker watching from the bushes outside. What happened to our innocent 64-bit world?”

Though they generally present their newfound agreement as all honeycombs and golden feathers, when pressed for details, Banjo admitted to some downsides such as an unfortunate late-night drunken hookup with his nemesis, Gruntilda the witch, who separately confirmed the affair.

In a singsong tone, she noted, “Banjo likes ‘em green and thick. Rode him hard like my broomstick!”

Redditor Commenting “And That’s Enough Internet for Me Today” Enjoys Five Seconds of Life Before Reopening Reddit

PHILADELPHIA 一 A Reddit user reportedly enjoyed an unprecedented five continuous seconds of his life earlier today, between commenting on a post that he has had “enough internet” for the day, and immediately re-opening the website moments later.

“Trying to unwind after a long day at work staring at spreadsheets, I read a story on r/creepyencounters that made me lose all faith in humanity, and that’s when I knew I had enough internet for today,” said Beckett Morrison, aka u/QuesoritoEnjoyer, in another Reddit comment posted later on explaining his five-second absence from the website. “Then I closed Reddit and glanced out my window. I saw two songbirds twirling in a magnificent dance, while singing a duet that would have made Orpheus weep. And in that moment, I was reminded of the fleeting beauty we have in this cherished world. Anyway, then I realized I have to go upvote the new posts on r/BaconMemes so here I am. Well, back to it, time’s-a-wastin!”

Friends, family, and other loved ones have expressed concern over Morrison’s increasingly detrimental Internet browsing habits.

“I used to love that man, and he used to love me, but now we’re just two strangers occupying the same space,” cried longtime girlfriend Clara Jennings. “He barely even notices me anymore because he’s so infatuated with r/dataisbeautiful, but when was the last time he told me I was beautiful? I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I even tried posting on the relationship advice subreddit as a last resort and some jerk named QuesoritoEnjoyer called me a controlling bitch. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Please comment below if you think I’m the asshole or he is!” 

Experts in psychology and addiction across the world are noticing similar trends of Internet addiction throughout society.

“Yeah, what the fuck did you think would happen? You made a website where people can see derpy pictures of alpacas and recycled LOTR memes, obviously people are going to eat that shit up,” said Dr. Alejandra Rojas, a social psychologist at Duke University, in a post that had been upvoted to the top of r/psychology. “Then introduce karma and Reddit Gold into the equation, you’ve basically created an endless cycle of dopamine release. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this will impact our brains, but that’s enough internet for today.”

At press time, Morrison had turned his attention to the subreddit r/satisfyingwindows to remind him of the nice moment he had glancing outside his window moments earlier.

Quentin Tarantino Says His Next Genre Homage Project Will Be a Love Letter to Monty Python

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has announced his official foray into comedy with a Monty Python-inspired project titled Snake Belly. 

“I’ve included comical sequences in my previous films, but this time I want to make a movie that is clearly in the comedy genre,” said the famed director, barely audible under a pile of obscure vinyl. “And Monty Python just seems like the perfect style to pay homage to. They truly were pioneering geniuses in the genre. I mean, when that giant foot smashes everything in the opening titles, it’s such a golden nugget. It’s a self-reflective moment acknowledging the inherent destructiveness of comedy. I’d like to explore that further, with life-sized props instead of the stop motion cutouts. Really feeling the visceral experience of all that garbage squishing through those giant, dirty toes. For the comedy, I mean. It will be hilarious.”

Although the plot will follow an original story mapped by Tarantino, the film will also contain subtle nods to classic Python sketches.

“We’re for sure going to work the ‘silly walks’ sketch into it somewhere,” said Tarantino. “I’m already in talks with Uma about that role. We’ll have her in the same costume John Cleese wore but barefoot and with the pants rolled halfway up her calves.”

As is often the case with Tarantino’s projects, the film will contain elements from other genres as well, including a kaiju monster storyline.

“We’ll have the giant foot attacking London, stepping on everything, people running for their lives. But one poor soul — a staunch businessman, played by me — just isn’t fast enough. He trips over his own umbrella and the kaiju foot comes down right on his face. But he’s still alive. So the foot comes down on him again, even harder. But still, he isn’t dead — a classic Python moment of absurdity. And now the foot is getting angry, it really wants to smash this guy so it starts grinding him into the wet London pavers, just twisting him under the ball and force pounding repeatedly with the heel. The man’s face is filthy with foot grime and there’s a huge wad of sweaty, pungent lint in his mouth. All this is happening while ‘Baba Yaga’ by The Pagans plays on a loop. This sequence will last about ten minutes. I want the audience to have time to get all their laughs out before moving on with the scene because this is all very highbrow stuff. It’s funny, you understand. It’s for the comedy.”

As of press time, Tarantino was still talking about that sequence.

Introduction of Alcoholic Mountain Dew Leaves Gamer Wondering What Has Been Getting Them Drunk This Whole Time

MELBOURNE, Fla. — With the recent rollout of alcoholic Mountain Dew drinks, local gamer Jacob Wright has been left to wonder what has been getting him shitfaced 24/7 all these years.

“I had my first taste in middle school. By the time I was 20, I was chugging a two-liter of Live Wire before I even got out of bed, downing a few dozen Kickstarts throughout the day—and when I logged into World of Warcraft at night, that’s when I’d whip out the Code Red,” said Wright outside a Taco Bell, sipping from a cup of Baja Blast wrapped in a paper bag. “You’re telling me this stuff doesn’t even have alcohol in it?”

While he was surprised to learn the drink was non-alcoholic, Wright insisted his struggles with substance abuse were no less real.

“This shit ruined my life, man. I spend all my money on Dew because I get the shakes if I don’t have any. I can’t get a job because of that one time I stole a tub of Dark Berry Bash from Applebee’s and drank it all at once. They had to pump my stomach. And you know the sickest part? I would do it again, just to feel that high,” said Wright, licking his lips. “If they don’t put booze in there, I’m not sure I want to know what they do put in there.”

Wright’s former college roommate Vinnie Franklin confirmed that Wright had a serious problem.

“Oh, definitely. All Jacob did freshman year was sit at his desk all day and play WOW. He never got up except to get Taco Bell, which was the only thing he ate because there was one next door. Dropped out a few months into the semester. Dude was a straight-up junkie, for sure,” said Franklin in a phone interview. “But what was that you said about Mountain Dew?”

At press time, Wright had purchased a can of alcoholic Mountain Dew and stashed it, “just in case things ever really go south.”

Experts Predict That Weapon Drop Is Coming Any Minute Now

THE SHRINKING ZONE OF SAFETY — A group of scientists has posited a theory that not only is our civilization in actuality a computer simulation not unlike a battle royale game, but that we should expect a weapon drop very, very soon. 

“Oh yeah, the big one’s coming,” said Dr. Lorne Peterson, a meteorologist, about what they feel is the looming wooden box that will soon land somewhere in the world, almost certainly to be filled with valuable resources and devastating weapons. “I won’t bore you with all the science behind it, but tell me you can’t feel it in the air — the escalating conflict, the tightening of resources, etc. One day there’s gonna be 10,000 people with crowbars running towards a giant crate that dropped in Nebraska, and now you’ll know why.” 

Many expressed skepticism that the study’s findings could possibly be accurate.  

“Wait, so we’re in a battle royale simulation?” said Owen Custer, a homeowner that wasn’t entirely convinced of the group’s findings. “That doesn’t make sense at all. Why was it like one of the last genres of games we came up with then? That being said, I do trust the scientific community and wish more people would these days. That’s why I built the extra five stories on the house, just to be safe up here. Now get off my property.” 

While many weren’t certain that the study’s findings could possibly come to fruition, a majority of younger citizens met the news with unwavering enthusiasm. 

“Yo, for real? Let’s fuckin’ go!” said Aiden Branch, a 13-year-old Fortnite devotee. “I always hoped this day would come. This is why I quit all the sports teams I was on and instead have just spent the last six months working on my jumps in the garage. Look out, motherfuckers.”

As of press time, Hurricane Fiona, the tropical storm that’s recently engulfed Europe, Asia, and Africa, once again grew in size and has now enveloped South America. 

New Pokémon Game Just Gonna Assume You Need an Hour or So of Text to Learn What a Pokémon Is

TOKYO — Newly released Pokémon game Pokémon Legends: Arceus figures you need a good hour or two of soundless text to explain to you what a Pokémon’s whole deal is, according to frustrated sources.

“So do you know what Pokémon are? Oh, you do? Well I had this whole explanation prepared, so I might as well tell you anyway!” said Pokémon Legends: Arceus to another 35-year-old gamer who has put roughly 10,000 hours into the series. “Don’t worry, it won’t take too long! We’re just going to go through what a Pokémon is, how to catch them, what kinds of bonds you can form with them, how to battle them, how to buy items at the store, how to change your clothes, and, just for good measure, what a Pokémon is again. Just in case you didn’t know that they’re wonderful element-based creatures who roam this world and battle with each other.”

According to those familiar with the situation, players have found the tutorial sections of the game frustrating.

“Jesus Fucking Christ, now they need to explain to me how to do a battle?! How many level 5 tackle battles have I been through in my life? It’s like they think this is a game for children!” exclaimed gamer Carl Hansen. “Just give me an option where I can click ‘I’m an expert at Pokémon’ and I start off in the gameplay portion of this shit. Every year, these games get longer and longer tutorials and meanwhile, when I started playing this in the ’90s, I literally had to figure out secret stat mechanics using a calculator. Oh how the mighty have fallen! Now how the hell do I trade all my old Pokémon from old games into this thing so I can just run through the story?”

Despite complaints, developers have stuck by their decision to keep lengthy intros into the game.

“Do you know how hard it is to make a Pokémon game? These things come out like every three months. We straight up copy and paste all the intro dialogue from game to game, but no one has noticed because they either skip through the whole thing or they’re 12,” said Pokémon Legends: Arceus director Kazumasa Iwao. “Honestly, we haven’t even really had time to tell if people are playing these things, so we wanna make sure that they know what’s going on if this is their first Pokémon game. Because, you know, the idea of a Pokémon is pretty wacky! Hopefully one day we get the chance to take a break, see if people are playing the games, and read any comments or concerns they might have. But who knows if there even are any?”

At press time, Hansen was looking up what the hell “research points” are after mashing A through all the tutorial sections to get to the gameplay.

Sony Suggests Putting Crash Bandicoot in the Middle and Letting Him Choose Which Company He Wants to Go To

SAN MATEO, Calif. — In response to Microsoft’s recent acquisition of Activision-Blizzard, Sony Interactive Entertainment CEO Jim Ryan suggested that beloved video game protagonist Crash Bandicoot be placed between the heads of the two companies so that he may choose for himself which one he would like to go to.

“Sony and Crash have had a deep relationship for decades,” said Ryan, eyes visibly red and puffy. “Sony has been there from the moment he was born, and stayed right alongside him on every occasion that we’ve exploited him for profit. We’re prepared to put Crash into as many games as he would like if he chooses to remain on PlayStation. And I mean the good ones, not just PlayStation All-Stars sequels or something.”

“It’s only fair to allow Crash a choice in the matter,” Ryan continued. “I would like Microsoft to meet us in our parking lot and put Crash in between the two of us. Let him choose who he signs his freedom away to.”

Phil Spencer, head of Xbox, argued that Mr. Bandicoot would have a better life at Microsoft.

“He will welcome the stability of only being on one platform after many years of split custody,” Spencer said. “We also have several studios he can sleep in, and that number is only growing. Plus, he’ll meet so many new friends once he’s pumped into millions of homes through Game Pass. But if Sony wants to engage in this pointless exercise, I suppose we can humor them. I am confident that Crash will choose Microsoft.”

A Crash Bandicoot fan showed empathy for Mr. Bandicoot’s predicament. 

“I feel bad for him. I’ve loved Crash since I was a kid, but obviously all Sony or Microsoft want is to use him to make money. He should be allowed to retire to a beach somewhere and spend his days eating as much Wumpa Fruit as he wants. Just let him go.”

At press time, as he was placed between Ryan and Spencer, Mr. Bandicoot attempted to flee the scene of the meeting. He was promptly apprehended by Microsoft security and returned to their headquarters.

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