“IMAX. It All Must Be IMAX,” Mutters Unhinged Christopher Nolan Grafting Camera Into Chest

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Cinema auteur Christopher Nolan reportedly had a mental breakdown on the set of his new film Oppenheimer in which he grafted an IMAX camera into his chest.

“This world, it’s too grainy and thin,” Nolan pontificated to shocked onlookers, haphazardly sewing a lens between his pectorals. “I must shoot it all, in a clean, beautiful high-resolution format. Yes, society may have to pay an extra three dollars for their ticket, but my masterpiece will be worth the expense. Studio notes, budget concerns, these things mean nothing to me now. I am become Nolan, maker of films.”

Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy provided insight into what may have set Nolan off in the first place.

“Warner Brothers were getting concerned about the budget, and said we couldn’t afford to shoot the whole movie on IMAX,” Murphy explained. “I saw Chris take one of the cameras they confiscated into his trailer with some sewing kits from the wardrobe department with a maniacal look in his eye. When I went to check on him, the poor bastard was hunched over wincing in pain, I tried to intervene but I was just too late. I hope his wife’s OK too. You know how he gets with wives.”

Nolan later held a press conference to bolster his new appendage and what it means for the future of film. 

“Try and take IMAX away from me now,” Nolan cackled. “You’ll have to bring a lot more than some studio executives, because I’m taking this baby worldwide. I won’t rest until every filmmaker has the ability to film amazing action sequences with staggering immersion all at the cost of most of their lifespan and internal organs.”

At press time, sources close to Nolan admitted that while this episode was frightening to behold, the footage captured from it was nothing short of breathtaking.

Boss Doesn’t Have the Heart to Tell Struggling Player He Actually Has Two More Forms

Posted on by Dave Cross

MOUNT DOOMSPIRE — JRPG boss Xargas the Destroyer is unsure how to tell his challenger, the Paladin Alister Fremont, that he actually has two more phases after this one before he’s finally defeated, sources report.

“Aw shucks, Alisters back again. This is, what, the eightieth time he’s spawned here?” said Xargas, reluctantly picking up his warhammer for the fifth time that afternoon after finishing the last few sips of a healing elixir. “He doesn’t even know yet that this thing lights up during my second form once he damages me enough times. It’s a really cool blue flame effect, too. I wonder if he’ll ever be strong enough to see it?”

Xargas says that Fremont has never even come close to breaking past his first health bar, and the only indication that he’s learned anything at all from his efforts thus far is the occasional half-hearted attempt to dodge Xargas’s opening heavy combo. 

“I can tell that he’s beginning to understand the fundamentals of when and how I kill him with the warhammer each time,” reported Xargas. “But each time, like clockwork, I work my way up to my classic Super Shockwave and it’s game, set, match. I hope he’ll eventually be able to go two or three rounds without keeling over because it’s definitely starting to get boring for me.”

The Paladin remained undeterred, telling sources he was “just a few more tries” from defeating the boss.

“He must drop some really special loot, because his bar is Orange instead of Blue, so I really can’t give up,” said Fremont, tragically unaware that it was even possible for someone to have more than one health bar. “I think this time I’ll try jump-dodging instead of running. Then, if I can just land a few more hits, certainly that will take me straight to the end credits!” 

At press time, Xargas was debating whether or not to break it to Fremont that he has an even stronger identical twin brother waiting towards the top of mount Doomspire.

MultiVersus Feels More Like a Brand Twitter Account Than a Video Game

Posted on by Just Lunning

In October 2017, Goku, the main character of Dragon Ball, achieved a form called Ultra Instinct. The ability allowed him to dodge basically any attack. It looked really cool. During the weeks following the reveal, fans created memes of characters from other franchises edited to look like they were activating Ultra Instinct. Early entries included some fun shenanigans like Tobey McGuire’s Spider-Man, eSports player Faker, and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. 

While Ultra Instinct Shaggy was a meme to some, MultiVersus took it as a call to action. Warner Bros’ new Smash-like platform fighter, MultiVersus, treats the Shaggy’s Dragon Ball inspired transformation a core part of his character. It’s touching to know developers are looking at the same memes fans are. Somehow that became the basis of a fully-fledged video game. 

With MultiVersus, licensing is valued above all else. Characters are mascots first and fighting game characters second. Hell, how did Lebron James even make it into the game? He’s a real life human being! Part of Super Smash Bros.’ charm is how integrated universes feel. In Smash Bros, Street Fighter’s Ryu produces stronger attacks when you perform joystick maneuvers, just like he does in his own game. There’s a bunch of examples like that — you can even run a loop in Sonic’s Green Hill Zone! Smash is like playing with a toy box, while MultiVersus is more like an FYC Emmy campaign than a game. 

But it’s not just the characters that are lacking; the stages are naked. They’re filled with minimal decorations and layed out pretty much the same with one to two platforms. Scooby-Doo gets a generic haunted house with some framed photos of previous villains and the Batcave includes a big computer, souvenirs, and two batmobiles. That’s it. There’s so much you could do with either space, but in MultiVersus, you might as well be running around in an empty box.

Despite all this, skins and announcer packs are both incredible customizations that should instantly spark joy. It’s a blast to hear Kevin Conroy’s Batman say things like “Match Point,” or to fight as Jake from Adventure Time’s female counterpart Cake as a skin — the Cake skin even includes a wholly new voice track. While these are both palpably enjoyable additions, they’re hidden behind paywalls. 

At the end of the day, MultiVersus feels like a brand twitter — a game made by somebody who gets the general vibe of every franchise involved while not necessarily enjoying any of them. And when it does inch toward allowing enjoyment, the game immediately places that joy behind a paywall.

If you want the cool stuff, you need Gleemium, MultiVersus’ premium currency to purchase the most thoughtful things in the game. Gleemium cannot be earned by enjoying fights with your boys or logging quick play hours; you need to buy it with real cold hard cash. It sounds like “premium” but I guess… with more gleem, whatever that means. 

MultiVersus lures you in with promises of being a weird, but polished fighting game. Somehow the entire Warner Bros. catalog is available. Even characters from shows produced by Warner Bros. like Ted Lasso could potentially join. Hell, maybe even Larry David! It’s funny. You can easily share a screenshot from MultiVersus with a caption like “how is this possible?” which ultimately is half the battle for a game like this.

But while the weirdness might get you in the door, once arriving, the game feels like it’s doing everything possible to eke the last dollar from your wallet. First with Nickelodeon’s All-Star Brawl, and now with MultiVersus, video game developers — er, actually more like media conglomerates — are learning in real time that the appeal of Smash Bros was always that the game is actually fun to play.

DEAL ALERT: Guy at Self Checkout Not Looking

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

What’s up, deal-hounds? We’ve just stumbled upon the ultimate life hack that could turn an average full price sale into the bargain of a lifetime, and we’re passing it on to you. Right now, for probably like the next 30 seconds while he’s looking at his phone, the guy working the kiosk at the Walmart self checkout isn’t looking. It’s open season!

If you get a head of romaine lettuce, you can also get a copy of the PS5 title of your choice free of charge. Talk about BOGO! All you have to do is weigh the case on the scale instead of the lettuce, and boom — the deal is sealed. If anyone asks to see your receipt, just tell them to call the cops! They won’t, they never do. Nobody cares!

This unprecedented store-wide sale has a unique selling point in that it’s applicable to almost ALL inventory, limited only to what you can conveniently hide at the bottom of the bag or your inner coat pocket. There’s even a 2 for 1 angle with all Blu-Rays and DVDs. If you have one that’s more expensive than the other, just stack the cheap one on the bottom and hold ‘em real tight and flush so it looks like one case! This is totally allowed, and they’re cool with it!

It’s also been announced that this deal is applicable to all week days with heavy traffic and Saturdays from opening till like, lunch. Really any day where that whole area is fucked and the flustered teens working are too busy helping someone find bananas in the produce inventory look up to notice you. Inflation, schminflation — Walmart has you covered!

Folks, let me tell you, this is the kind of deal you can only get at Walmart. Other rinky dink, independent places with bullshit like “overhead,” “loss prevention,” and “paying a liveable wage” couldn’t in a million years get away with the insane savings Walmart provides its customers. So act fast, but not too fast. You don’t wanna draw attention.

Home Depot Unveils New Ladder With Painted Rungs to Mark Fall Damage Height

Posted on by Matt Shore

ATLANTA 一 Home Depot wowed investors and gamers alike early today during the reveal of the home goods company’s first fiberglass stepladder painted to indicate fall damage height.

‘We’re excited to unveil Ladder: Climbing Evolved, as the product is formally known, which features painted rungs of increasingly bright shades of red going up each escalating step to indicate how much damage an individual could sustain if they were to fall,” said Home Depot’s Chief Product Officer Marshall Prohaska. “While traditional Home Depot products tout safety and ease-of-use, the Ladder: Climbing Evolved differs by emphasizing the very real danger to your hit points which is inherently present during any day-to-day climbing scenario.”

The company’s leadership expressed enthusiasm for the promise of future product growth in the realm of gamer home goods and utilities.

“Gamers are a thrill-seeking breed, but they also require data to assist them in their ladder-climbing decision-making,” noted Home Depot CEO and President, Ted Decker, in a press release accompanying today’s announcement. “We at Home Depot believe that the innovations offered by Ladder: Climbing Evolved and its revolutionary fall damage indicators will usher in a new age of real-world Nathan Drakes and Lara Crofts, whether they are battling the existential threat of clogged gutters or simply placing the final crowning busty Tifa statuette atop their grotesque, towering anime figurine shrines.”

The ladder’s damage indicators are reportedly embellished with stick figure cartoons on each step similar to the quick-action illustrations in an action game’s UI, including a stick man with a gently bruised knee, a stick man with an exposed bone cursing in pain, and finally a cackling skull-and-crossbones face, in ascending order.

“I like that they finally made a ladder for gamers,” one user named DonkeyBongJr wrote in a comment on the press release video uploaded to the official Home Depot YouTube channel. “I do have to say, though, that the flashing RGB lights along the ladder’s struts are very distracting. Also, the built-in laser blast sound effects on each step sometimes freak me out. I can officially confirm that the damage indicators are accurate because I got a concussion just like the little stick man after falling off of the second run. Overall, I give it four stars!”

If Ladder: Climbing Evolved proves profitable, Decker says Home Depot plans on releasing other tools and equipment catering to gamers. “Our R&D team is hard at work on Splatoon-style paint pistols, giant circular saws that move along a track in deadly loops, and bricks that explode when you bash your head into them from below.”

At press time, Decker had reportedly teased investors with ambitious projections for 5-year revenue targets after revealing that Home Depot’s design team had successfully taught a pair of turtles to throw their signature line of hammers.

Scrambling James Cameron Finally Starts Working on Avatar 2

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A scrambling James Cameron was spotted frantically beginning work on Avatar: The Way of Water, which is due to be released this December after years of delays.  

“Oh fuck my rich ass, I should have worked on this by now,” bemoaned the writer and director of 2009’s Avatar, one of the highest grossing films of all time. “I got so used to just talking about the sequel and kicking the can down the hallway that I fucking spaced and now people are expecting this thing kind of soon. I’m in a real pickle here. I saw a poster for it the other day at the theater and I started freaking out. I guess this thing’s called Way of the Water.” 

Paramount expects the highly anticipated film to be one of the most successful of the year.

“We’re all so excited to see what James has been working on all these years,” said Chloe Barkell, an executive with the studio. “And frankly, whether the film is in very good shape or not, we just really need it to come close to making a billion dollars. That’s our whole thing here. I think the recent reports that he was up all night watching the first one to remember all of the characters’ names just speak to what a dedicated artist he is and don’t worry me at all, actually. I’m a little bothered that he faked that trailer footage and was mostly just playing PS4 when he swore he was writing the six sequels or whatever, but I’ve been assured he’s ready to do the work now, and I’m sure he’ll be ready to start filming tomorrow morning as scheduled.” 

“He said he was gonna stay up all night and write,” she added.

Fans of the film said they were willing to look the other way on some of the sequel’s loose ends as long as it was released on schedule. 

“I’ve waited 13 years for this movie, so there’s almost no way it can live up to my expectations,” said Andrew Sharp, who considers the original his favorite film. “The fact that he’s just now starting on it doesn’t do a lot to change my mind about that, but oh well. I guess that’s just the nature of sequels. I sure hope he can get everyone together and stuff on short notice. Man, five months isn’t very long to make a movie like that, huh?” 

As of press time, a new plot synopsis was released for Avatar: The Way of the Water that sounded suspiciously close to Terminator 2.

Gamers Demand Production of ‘Skate 5’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MONTREAL — Following the trailer for the fourth Skate game, titled skate., gamers have demanded that Electronic Arts begin production on a sequel to the upcoming game.

“Yeah, yeah, the new Skate game is gonna have microtransactions or something. Annoying, I guess, but honestly that’s not even why I care. For me, the fun of the Skate series at this point has nothing to do with playing Skate games; it’s all about begging online for a new game to get announced,” said gamer Jeffrey Rogers. “We’ve built a whole community around begging EA to make Skate 4 and now that it’s finally happening, that chapter of our lives has come to a close. I don’t even really like playing Skate games — to me, the game is asking for the game. And so the game of Skate 4 begins for us: demanding EA make Skate 5.”

“I kinda bounced off Skate 3 when I tried to get into it — I’m more of a Tony Hawk guy,” said another gamer, Nile Guthrie. “But for Skate 4, I’ve been to meet-ups, barbecues, and even a protest at the Montreal EA headquarters. That’s the kind of energy I want to keep going for Skate 5, which they really need to make or else I’m going to light myself on fire.”

Despite some developers being shocked by the immediate demands by fans to produce a fifth Skate game, EA community manager Ella Strickland says she isn’t surprised.

“We’re not oblivious; no one gets a job at EA to field friendly comments. If you were expecting the decade-plus campaign for Skate 4 to end with the announcement of a fourth Skate game, then it must be your first day on the job,” Strickland explained. “Whenever we announce anything, I always start by writing down a list of the absolute worst possible things people could say to us in the comments. That way, when we actually get the comments from gamers, it’s only a little worse than what I imagined. That’s just the way things work when you’re an EA community manager. On the other hand, as an EA community manager, no one really expects you to actually answer any of the comments. You’re kind of just the punching bag.”

At press time, Skate fans began participating in a supposed promotional ARG for Skate 5 that involved finding real life addresses where EA employees live, unbeknownst to anyone working at the company.

Aging Gamer Doesn’t Realize Clicking Thumbsticks Are Actually Just His Thumbs

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

CLEVELAND — A forum poster seeking solutions for his new controller’s loudly-clicking thumbsticks is blissfully unaware that the sound he’s hearing is actually coming from his own joints.

“Can anyone help with this weird noise the PS4 controllers seem to have?” copywriter Daniel Folley’s innocent post began. “I’ve pulled this whole damn thing apart trying to find it. It kind of sounds like two limestone pebbles scraping together, but I’ve cleaned the sticks and lubricated all the buttons with some lithium grease and still nothing improved. Where the hell is it coming from? I just got this for my 40th birthday and it’s already broken!”

The post continues to detail the “firm popping sensation” that using the thumbstick elicits, which Folley goes on to describe as being “like pushing paracetamol out of a blister pack”. During gameplay, strafing reportedly makes the sound louder, and using any game with a weapon wheel mechanic feels “not dissimilar to stirring a mug of rice.”

“I don’t have the heart to tell him,” close friend Kelly Tendon revealed. “We’re all getting older. You never think it’ll catch up with you. The way Dan played Mario Party in college, you’d assume he was bulletproof. Even if you can win the Paddle Battle, we all eventually lose the Paddle war.”

Folley’s tendency to deny age-related maladies has become more prevalent in the last year or so, especially to the employees of the local electronic stores that he frequents

“That guy bought a whole new setup last year and he keeps returning everything in it piece by piece,” said Best Buy customer service representative Zoe Everest. “We can’t figure out what his issue is. First the sound system has a high-pitched ringing, then the gaming chair’s too hard to get out of, then TV screen saturation is too strong, which makes his eyes really sleepy around 9:30 every night. It’s not Panasonic’s fault that you’re in denial about your age, dude.”

At press time, Folley had finally accepted his body’s condition and made a doctor’s appointment after worsening joint pains had led his kneecaps to begin making the Nintendo Switch snapping noise.

Climate Scientists Have No Idea What Is Going On With Wet-Dry World

Posted on by Kevin Podas

WET-DRY WORLD — After decades of studying the impact of greenhouse gasses and fossil fuels’ effect on the environment, climate scientists have published a new report this week stating that they have no idea what is going on with Wet-Dry World.

“After much discussion, we honestly have no clue what is going on with the eleventh course in Peach’s Castle, otherwise known as Wet-Dry World,” said lead scientist Martin Felshman. “Our findings indicate that the water levels rise, or even fall, depending on the angle at which Mario jumps into a large portrait hanging on the wall. It is possible that Mario’s ass could be key in solving the ongoing global crisis of climate change, but further studies on the subject are necessary.”

Research has shown that civilization may have existed at one point in Wet-Dry World.

“It appears that an abandoned town of some kind once existed here,” explained Felshman, “but due to the rapidly fluctuating water levels based on the angle at which Mario enters the painting, they have all likely drowned to death some time ago, leaving nothing behind but 8 red coins and 6 power stars to find.”

The owner of the castle, Princess Peach, says she has no idea where the painting originally came from.

“Truthfully, I don’t even remember hanging these portraits up, they’ve been adorning the walls for as long as I can remember,” said Peach. “I’ve heard there are different locations inside a lot of them, but usually they’re just filled with a bunch of baubles and objects for Mario to run around and collect to keep him busy for a while. That guy’s mad annoying.”

At press time, climate scientists have posited that we ourselves may live inside one giant painting, and that a Mario-like figure on the outside could lead to our salvation, or our ultimate demise.

New ‘Magic the Gathering’ Red Card Lets You Just Punch Your Opponent

Posted on by Jacob Colliver

RENTON, Wash. — The latest expansion to Magic: The Gathering has come under fire for including a red card that allows players to just sock their opponents right in the kisser.

“We understand that our new card, Tyr’s Bracelet, has proven controversial,” said Wizards of the Coast representative Sarah Queen at a press conference yesterday. “Every improvement is. Since 1993, we have strived to constantly refine and better reflect MTG’s various play styles. Red mana has become synonymous with direct damage dealt quickly. What’s more direct than laying a perfect haymaker into someone’s temple?”

Tyr’s Bracelet is an Instant card with a 2 Mountain mana cost and an effect that simply reads, “Punch Opponent,” with no further detail provided. The only other text on the sparsely designed card is the flavor quote, “Bada bing bada boom / Hope you like eating with a spoon,” attributed to Chandra Nalaar.

“I have mixed feelings,” longtime player Gavin McKenzie said. “The cheap cost to damage dealt could ruin the meta, but on the other hand, it has been a great incentive against my housemate bringing out that Flying / Deathtouch vampire deck bullshit. Am I worried about the future stability of the game? Sure. Have I built an effective ramp deck, just by wearing signet rings to every friendly? Absolutely. Who’s got a fuckin’ Death Touch now, Daryl?”

Wizards of the Coast released the card along with three others: a Swamp land with a Google Maps screenshot of The Everglades for art, a green card titled “An Oxen Made Of Ferns Or Something,” and a white 0/9 Defender creature that lets you walk away from the table and “play something else for a bit.” Fans decried the new cards as the latest example of power creep and exhausted imagination in the card game.

“I don’t know how to police the new rules,” exasperated tournament organizer Geoff Bloodmahn revealed. “Wizards of the Coast have turned my monthly competitions into unregulated fight clubs. The strongest pick on everyone else. How can I protect those poor, defenseless Blue Mana players? It’s all well and good to muck around drawing cards or shuffling your opponent’s deck, but unless there’s a baseball bat in those ‘Arcane Libraries’ or whatever the fuck it is that they play, I’m advising they stay at home.”

In response to the criticism, Wizards of the Coast has reportedly canceled their planned follow-up to Tyr’s Bracelet, a four-paragraph Sorcery card named “Napalm Recipe.”