Millennial Dad Shows His Son What Was Poggers Back in His Day

Posted on by Michael Gursky

MACUNGIE, Pa. — Local millennial father Gunther Jefferies, 35, decided today that it was finally time to sit his son down and introduce him to the Newgrounds Flash cartoons and AlbinoBlacksheep games that kids considered poggers back in the day, sources confirm.

“Homestar is 8 now, which means he’s old enough to appreciate the things that were considered based back when I was surfing the net,” said Jefferies while cracking open an old laptop containing a folder of original bold impact-font memes from his SomethingAwful days. “That’s how old I was when I first saw a cartoon walrus get brutalized with a Weedwacker while a crew of elves freestyle-rapped about it in the background. It’s a nuanced sense of humor, but it’s definitely the same sensibility that these Twitch streamer kids have today!” 

The doughy millennial dad continued gleefully listing the many favorites of his adolescence while giving his son a tour of his old meme page bookmarks. 

“Canine Arson, Mario and Luigi Meet Tupac, The Midget Murders, Hot Air Balloon {redacted}, Bloody Gerbils, Ghetto President, Nursing Home Nymphos, Who Saw That Swamp Donkey?, Fat Paratroopers, Toddlers From Under The Bridge, Psycho Parakeet, and Radioactive Daycare are just a few that we watched this afternoon,” Jefferies said in a single huge breath. “All of which had him LULing, by the way.”

Despite his father’s efforts to create a sense of cultural connection, Jefferies’s son Homestar did not speak overly enthusiastically of the videos.

“I can’t believe how much senseless gore and shocking racism there was in online content back then,” said Homestar Jefferies, furiously erasing the cookies and history of his browser following the session. “Although I will say the game feel on that one Newgrounds game where you make a schizophrenic man put cats in the washing machine really holds up.” 

At press time, Jefferies said he was looking forward to connecting with his son even more over his favorite dank YTMNDs when he’s mature enough to appreciate them in a year or two.

Paramount+ Announces ‘Yellowstone: 2099’

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — In an effort to keep up with the arms race of increasingly complex extended media universes, Paramount+ executives announced a slate of new programming for the streaming platform, including Yellowstone 2099, the fourth planned spinoff of the popular long-running western drama series.

“The history of the American West is a goldmine for character driven dramas like Yellowstone, but we can only go back in time so far with the Dutton family lineage before the narratives we can tell become totally un-relatable to modern audiences,” said Yellowstone co-creator Taylor Sheridan. “So, instead, the next series will take place in the far-future 77th state of Nueva Montana in 2099. You’ll still enjoy the thrill of the same high-stakes vigilante violence, but without any of the creative boxing-in by modern politics or guilty re-reckoning with manifest destiny. Instead, viewers can look forward to the cyborg cattle-centaur descendent of John Dutton battling mutant Californian gentrifiers. Coming next Summer!”

Fans of the series say they’re excited to see what new twists await the Neo-Duttons, but hoped that the new futuristic reprise would not forget its roots.

“I binged all of the original Yellowstone in a week, so yeah, I’m obviously excited for another spinoff,” said Paramount+ focus group participant Luke Fellows. “I got to sit in a big conference room at Viacom and they showed us a few episodes from ‘99, and while they were pretty good, I still felt like something was missing. Like, even though Beth Dutton’s brain is in a robot piloting an unstoppable killing machine, how does this connect back to the family’s historical conflicts with the Native Americans? I’m pretty sure you can still do a slow burn family drama set against a western backdrop with badass dropships instead of horses, it might just take a few seasons to refine. I’m willing to stick around and find out!”

While the hype around the new spinoff has grown exponentially, television industry veterans have growing concerns about the integrity of quickly-expanding narrative universes,

“It’s been stressful enough with platforms giving series orders to prequel after prequel, especially when we’re already not sure how much more story we can squeeze out of elitist, sociopathic ranchers in bumfuck, USA,” said Yellowstone script assistant Lindsey Jones. “All I remember is some suit came into the writer’s room last week and wrote “CYBERPUNK YELLOWSTONE” on a whiteboard and left. I’ve had to do a lot of googling about cybernetic implants, but hopefully this should buy us some time for a season or three while we cast a reboot of the original Yellowstone to start all over again.”

Following the announcement, Paramount teased plans for another upcoming alternate-timeline series called Yellowstone: What Would Happen?, an animated spin-off show kicking off with a premiere episode in a reality where cattle are the dominant species and people are livestock.

DEAL ALERT: Somebody Placed a Perfectly Good Copy of Halo: Reach Under This Suspended Grand Piano

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Another amazing deal alert for retro and modern gamers alike! Bungie’s revival of the Halo franchise following Halo 3, Halo: Reach, was an integral part of its generation of video games. Its seamless, fast-paced multiplayer and powerfully emotional, yet tactically thrilling campaign sets it apart from other mediocre installments of recent years. Right now, you can get a perfectly good (and free!) copy of Halo: Reach by reaching under this large grand piano and snagging it quickly!

We were just trekking through the Albuquerque desert when lo and behold, we see a perfectly good copy of Halo: Reach just sitting on the pavement. Now, there’s no sight of that dastardly coyote anywhere to be seen, so this could in fact be the deal of the summer!

Following the red ‘X’ on the ground where the game disc has been gingerly placed, there is indeed a thick rope and a series of improvised pulleys suspending an ornate grand piano over the Halo disc, but it doesn’t matter. This deal is just too good to pass up. What’s the worst that could happen? 

Be sure to act quickly! Not only could this deal expire in a few minutes, but the rope holding up the piano seems to be shaking, as if someone high above is aggressively sawing it in two as we contemplate the fun times we had playing Halo: Reach’s SWAT mode with our friends on Xbox Live. 

Halo: Reach’s Infection game mode was also a great way to produce both some tense moments and uproarious laughs in local split screen co-op with a sibling or neighbor, and— OH GOD

DEAL UPDATE: Welp. It happened. As we knelt down to claim one of the most entertaining multiplayer shooters of the last decade, the piano came crashing down on top of us, initially obscuring us completely, and when the dust settled, we regret to inform you that we did in fact have piano keys in place of our teeth forming a large Cheshire grin. 

As we slink away into the sunset, a squished, crinkled accordion man, we can take solace in the knowledge that Halo: Reach is also just available on Steam. 

Polyamorous Gamer Says Third Person in Threesome Has to Use the Weird Mad Catz Vibrator

Posted on by Sam LiButti

PORTLAND — Polyamourous gamer John Putz has reportedly notified one of the members of his upcoming threesome that they will have to use the weird janky Mad Catz brand vibrator during the sex act.

“I’m not trying to be a dick, I just can’t afford multiple high quality vibrators, what with the economy in shambles. Plus, it’s my house my rules, everyone knows that,” said Putz, lining up lubes for the upcoming threesome. “It’s really annoying because I’m genuinely really good at sex, but every time I give someone the Mad Catz vibrator, they start complaining that the only reason I’m giving everyone more orgasms is because I don’t have the off-brand one. Sorry, but it’s all skill.”

Donna Sanders, however, wasn’t very pleased when she learned of this development upon arriving at the Putz home.

“I wish they would have just told me so I could have brought my own Vibrator Pro from home; it’s got a turbo button and everything,” Sanders explained. “This one just flat out sucks, and not in the good way, involving clits. There’s this weird drift issue where whenever I go for the butthole, it winds up somehow over by the taint. Just real shoddy craftsmanship.” 

Couples therapist Dr. Joan Slatney specializes in polyamourous couples and says this is more common than one might expect.

“It happens all the time. People don’t always value the third participant in a threesome like they should, which is pretty silly considering that, without them, you wouldn’t have a threesome at all, would you?” said Dr. Slatney, shuffling through penis-looking Rorschach tests. “That would just be normal two person sex, and that’s gross.”

As of press time, Putz says he will try to be more considerate in the future, but should still get to choose which sex position they start out with, because he’s the host and that means he gets first pick. 

Death Row Inmate Requests 100 Wumpa Fruit for Last Meal

Posted on by Jake Menez

EL DORADO, Kan. — A man on death row stupefied the staff of the maximum security prison where he was sentenced when he survived his own execution totally unscathed after previously requesting 100 wumpa fruit as a last meal, witnesses confirm.

“I was worried they weren’t gonna go for it and the whole scheme would fall apart,” inmate Will Dearborn said of his request, exiting the prison as a free man due to an arcane loophole caused by his extra life. “The chef just kept telling me to be reasonable and to have something normal like steak and potatoes, but I told ‘em there’s nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t gobble down 60lbs of sweet, juicy tropical life-giving fruit for your last meal.”

The fruit, native only to the Wumpa Islands south of Australia and extremely costly to import, is revered in Aboriginal culture for its health benefits. Staff at the prison were seemingly unaware of the healing properties of the fruit when they finally relented to Dearborn’s unusual request.

“I just don’t have time to keep up with all the different types of 1-Ups they’re coming up with these days,” admitted an embarrassed Warden Clay Reynolds when asked for comment. “I haven’t even played a video game myself since Mario 2 — I have to spend most of my days making sure no one’s digging an escape tunnel behind their Nintendo Power posters. I don’t even know why we gave those to everyone who asked for one!”

It wasn’t until Dearborn finished the final fruit and a loud cartoon bell sound began blaring in the distance that corrections officers suspected that a premeditated scheme might be unfolding.

“Normally, guys don’t make a loud ambient ‘bong’ sound when they finish eating, which is what tipped me off,” Officer Blaine Mono explained. “It was so loud that it woke me up from my daily routine of leaning back in a chair and half-snoring while an old sitcom plays on a fuzzy little black-and-white television screen. As soon as they told me what Dearborn had eaten for his last meal, I knew what had happened. I probably should’ve said something, but I figured he’d gotten away with it at that point, you know? Sometimes you just have to respect the hustle.”

At press time, Dearborn’s fortunes had quickly reversed after he was immediately transported to the hospital due to pancreas failure from eating 100 wumpa fruits.

Naughty Dog Announces HD Remake of Upcoming ‘The Last of Us’ TV Series

Posted on by Simon Bower

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Naughty Dog has confirmed that they are in development on a full HD remake of the still-unreleased The Last of Us television series, with both the original and remastered series scheduled to hit HBO later this year and five years from now, respectively.

“We’re confident that the original Last of Us show is going to be iconic, so we’re already planning for the future remake of the show that we’re planning on doing farther down the line,” said Naughty Dog creative director Neil Druckmann. “We’ve learned a ton from remaking the first game, and we’re excited to create the definitive version of the adapted television version of the story that everyone loved — I mean, will love, next year when it comes out for the first time.”

Druckmann emphasized that the eventual remake would make no conflicting creative choices compared to the more imminent first version of the HBO series, instead focusing on using the most current CGI technology available five years from now to keep up with the expectations of audiences in 2027.

“Already assuming that Pedro Pascal gave an incredible performance as Joel in the current version of the show we’re still editing together, so we’ll want to preserve the spirit of that performance with whoever we replace Pedro with or else the diehard fans will never forgive us,” Druckmann explained. “So we’re going to have the new say the same exact lines in the same exact way, with the same exact facial expressions, plus, most importantly, newer cameras and microphones that are just a teensy bit better than the crummy ones they had on set the first time around.”

Fans of the yet-to-debut HBO series have not hesitated to express their excitement for this future updated version of one of their hypothetically favorite shows.

“I can’t believe we’re finally getting promised a remake of The Last of Us on HBO!” one fan, Regina Esparza, joyously exclaimed when interviewed. “I wonder if they’ll make an announcement about a movie adaptation soon, too? Or maybe even a pair of movies? I just love when game studios announce things!”

At press time, Naughty Dog also confirmed that they will begin production on a second season of the remake, just as soon as HBO greenlights a second season of the original.

Parents of Kid Playing PowerWash Simulator Worried He Might Not Get Into Guns

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MADISON, Wis. — Parents of a boy playing the word-of-mouth hit PowerWash Simulator have reportedly grown concerned that their child won’t grow up fascinated with realistic gunplay. 

“I’m worried about little Stuart,” said Cal Gatewood of his teenage son. “I let him goof around on my Xbox thinking he’d find a Call of Duty game to play or something, and I came in the room after a little bit and I swear to god the kid was washing mud off of the ramps of a skate park. I asked him what he had done wrong in the game that it was punishing him, and he said he was just chilling out. I’m confused. Do you unlock a gun later in that game or something?” 

Stuart’s mother Helen was reportedly upset to learn the news as well. 

“We do a lot of gun stuff in this family,” said the mother of four. “Skeet shooting, hunting, those silly family pictures where we all stand like Rambo in front of the Christmas tree, all that shit. We thought Stuart would follow all of his brothers and sisters, but he just keeps getting really into stuff like Stardew Valley and now this awful washing game. Needless to say, he’s grounded off solo games for the rest of the summer. It’s time to get off his butt and go play with his friends.” 

“In a lobby, I mean,” she clarified. “Go play with his friends online in a lobby.” 

The young gamer protested his punishment, saying that he should be free to play whatever game he wants. 

“This is such bullshit,” said 13-year-old Stuart Gatewood. “My dad took me out back and made me play through the entire classic Doom series after he found me playing PowerWash Simulator. Which wasn’t so bad, I mean those games are dope. But I think he’s trying to get me all weirdly into guns, and I’m really just trying to finish cleaning that skate park, man. When I told him that he started sobbing.” 

As of press time, Stuart’s parents had demanded he help them uninstall PowerWash Simulator so that he couldn’t play it anymore.

Stranger Things Edits Season One Discussion About How the Twin Towers Will Always Be There

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS GATOS, Calif. — Stranger Things creators the Duffer Brothers have continued to controversially revisit previous episodes of their hit show and digitally modify pre-existing scenes, this time altering a season one conversation between characters about how New York City’s Twin Towers would always be there. 

“Those are the twin towers, honey,” says Winona Ryder’s Joyce Byers to her son Will, as he looks at a New York City postcard in the show’s first episode. “We’ll go see them one day when you’re older. Doesn’t matter when, look at how big they are. They will literally always be there, just like me, your mother. I would never let anything happen to you just like New York City would never let anything happen to the world trade center towers. Not ever.” 

The scene garnered minor controversy when the first season was released in 2016, but was quickly overshadowed by the show’s cult status. The how quickly grew to be one of Netflix’s biggest financial successes. 

“Stranger Things was such a hit out of the gate we didn’t even get dinged too bad for that weird World Trade Center stuff they had in there,” said Ted Sarandos, chief executive officer of Netflix. “Luckily the thing just caught on like wildfire and everyone got into the pastiche of ’80s horror and fantasy references and kind of overlooked that wholly unnecessary discussion of the future of the Twin Towers. I’m really glad we can go back and get that out of there before someone notices and it becomes a big deal on a slow news day.” 

“The scene may be gone, but we will never forget it,” he added.

The Duffers first changed an already released scene earlier this year, when an episode was revealed to take place on a date that had been previously revealed to be Will’s birthday, despite his friends seemingly not commemorating the occasion in any way. 

“Yeah, we really blew that one,” said Matt Duffer, or maybe it was the other one . “Luckily we can go back and change stuff like that these days. It’s pretty weird to think that you could go watch your favorite rerun of a show and discover that it’s been changed, but wouldn’t that be great? Imagine if you pulled up an old episode of Friends and they had digitally added a black actor into the background. The possibilities are endless!” 

As of press time, The Duffer’s had also altered a season two scene that featured the Mike Wheeler character insisting to Eleven that a U.S. President would never, ever fist bump a guy that had an American journalist dismembered. 

Guy Who 100%ed ‘The Talos Principle’ Receives Honorary Philosophy Degree

Posted on by Zachery Eubanks

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Local sophist and gamer Justin Pulzer recently stepped across the stage at Harvard University to receive his Honorary degree in Philosophy following his achievement of getting 100% in The Talos Principle.

“The honest philosopher seeks only the truth, even if it bears no comfort. I have learned that it may be true that machines can be sentient and stuff — if we just took a moment to understand what sentience really is. Or whatever,” he said, in a speech. “I would also like to mention my mother, who believed that I needed to go to a university to receive such a degree. However, if I had gone to university I would not have learned to think about conundrums such as ‘if machines could breed and stuff wouldn’t that just make them the same as us cause we can do that too.’ Suck my dick, Socrates. More like Immanuel Can’t. Sorry, that doesn’t really work when you say it outloud.”

President of Harvard University, Lawrence Bacow, introduced Pulzer at the graduation. 

“Mr. Pulzer is one the brightest young men we’ve ever encountered! We would love to have him attend our university, although obviously, he doesn’t need to now that he completed 100% of The Talos Principle,” Bacow explained. “Some of the ideas that he has presented to our professors — such as the one about how robots could have feelings — really blew our minds. We think he has a bright future ahead of him and we’re honored to have accepted him into our ranks. We expect him to make some incredible strides for the field once he gets his hands on the Road to Gehenna DLC.”

At press time, Pulzer received a second honorary degree from Yale University immediately upon finishing the 2014 film Ex Machina.

Hey guess what: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! If you wanna be smarter than all those Harvard grads, you should check out The Talos Principle. Apparently right after you 100% the game, they ask if you wanna be a writer at The Simpsons.

Fisherman Shocked to Learn Other Pokémon Exist

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ROUTE 205 — Fisherman Ivan was in for the surprise of his life this week when an unnamed Pokémon trainer whom he had made eye contact with and battled, possessed other Pokémon besides just Magikarp. 

“Holy shit, what is that thing?” remarked Fisherman Ivan when the trainer he was battling released a Bulbasaur. “There’s like, some ‘thing’ growing on its back, and it doesn’t even have fins, or gills. Oh my god, it’s whipping my poor Magikarps into submission, how is this even legal?”

After losing three of his six Magikarps in battle, Fisherman Ivan’s rival returned his Bulbasaur and released something even more shocking to Ivan.

“What is that—oh dear god,” said Fisherman Ivan upon witnessing the legendary Pokémon Deoxys. “It’s some monster from outer space, and it’s like, level 89. I honestly didn’t know they make it into the double digits! Man, this is just wrong. I know I pulled this guy into battle against his will, but cut me some slack for crying out loud.”

As the battle came to a decisive finish, the other fishermen on the bridge took note of the events.

“He really could have won out there if he switched it up,” said Fisherman Joseph. “Doesn’t he know other Pokémon exist? Ya know, like Goldeen?”

At press time, Fisherman Ivan had gone into a state of shock when one of his Magikarp evolved into a horrifying blue snake monster.