GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries Release Time & Date Guide

The new Grand Theft Auto expansion is on the way, and players may be curious about the GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries release time & date. This update is set to be one of the biggest ones of the year, headlined by a new mode.

This new mode features players going up against the corrupt Merryweather Security, while earning some riches for themselves. Other small, quality of life features are coming as well, like a hold to sprint option and custom description tags for garages, and more. You can read a complete rundown of all of the changes coming here. Luckily, you won’t have to wait long to take advantage of these new features and options for yourself.

GTA Online Mercenaries Release Date & Time

When is the GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries Release Time & Date?

GTA Online‘s San Andreas Mercenaries update will release on June 13 at 3 AM PDT/6 AM EDT. Frequent players will likely recognize this as the usual release time for updates in Grand Theft Auto. While the update is making a lot of changes to the game, the time of release isn’t one of them.

If players want to jump into the new experience right away, the update can also be preloaded right now. However, this preload feature is limited to players on PlayStation, as long as they have PlayStation Plus. Players on PC or Xbox will unfortunately have to wait for the GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries release time to get the update ready to go. Hope you have a fast download speed!

That’s all you need to know about GTA Online San Andreas Mercenaries ahead of its release date! Jump in the new update to enjoy the quality of life features and new mode coming to the game. While you’re here, check out our picks for the best motorcycles and best nightclub locations in GTA Online!

Boring Piece of Shit Game Offers Nothing New After 300 Hours

SEATTLE — After completing a highly-anticipated open-world game that she had been looking forward to for years, Willa Shamloo was disappointed to find that the boring piece of shit had nothing new to offer her after dedicating upwards of 300 hours of gameplay into it.

“The first 200 hours were pretty good I guess,” said Shamloo. “But after sinking in 300 hours, it was like, okay what else is there to even do? I’ve completed the main story, done all of the side quests, upgraded all of my gear, and now I’m sitting here with nothing else to look forward to in my life. What’s up with that?”

Shamloo said that she still held hope that upcoming downloadable content would be able to further occupy her time.

“There’s DLC coming out in a few months, I should be able to wring at least a few dozen hours out of that,” explained Shamloo. “But then I imagine I’ll be right back where I am again, bored to tears by how dull and empty everything is. The game I mean, not my life.”

Developers of the game put out a statement responding to fan backlash that there was a noticeable lack of content available after hitting the several hundred hour mark.

“We hear you loud and clear, and this is not okay,” read an apology screenshot on twitter. “A game should not ship out in this state. Games are meant to be enjoyed for an endless amount of hours, infinitely, and should always occupy the playerbase’s attention no matter what else might be going on in their lives. We’re sorry, and we will do better.”

At press time, Shamloo was busy mindlessly farming materials and running endless dead-end sidequests trying to max out her stats in her personal life.

Spider-Man Developers Take Inspiration From Tears of the Kingdom and Add Huge Creepy Underground Area to New Game

BURBANK, Calif. — The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2 responded to complaints of reusing the previous game’s map by taking inspiration from The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, adding a huge, creepy underground area to New York City.

“I think it’s brilliant,” said Henry Mills, a diehard Spider-Man fan. “I thought it was bullshit that NYC would just be the same city again. I mean, come on, I know it’s a real city but they could’ve changed the layout, at least. But hearing that there’ll be a whole new underground area to explore has me excited. It fits right in with NYC, for some reason.”

The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2, Bryan Intihar and Ryan Smith, assured players that the addition of the all-new underground area would give players something they’ve never seen before.

“I’m glad we could come up with a way to change up the map,” Intihar said. “Honestly, we got super depressed after seeing all the backlash and drowned our sorrows by playing a shit-ton of Tears of the Kingdom. We added some of Brooklyn and Queens for this game, but those places suck. That’s when we got the idea: why couldn’t NYC have a giant underground area? I can definitely picture it.”

“It’s going to be really creepy and dark,” said Smith. “We got to stretch our creative muscles and come up with completely new kinds of enemies, like giant rats. There’ll be security forces down there, but they’ll just be on their phones and won’t protect you, so you’re on your own. We’ll have hubs called ‘stations’ that act like Lightroots to allow you to fast travel. And players can get down there through chasms just like Tears of the Kingdom, but we made them stairs instead for a little quality of life improvement.”

“Also, and this doesn’t really affect gameplay at all, but it’s true for the characters you’re playing as,” he added, “the whole place smells like piss.”

However, not all fans are excited about the new underground area. Another Spider-Man fan who lives in New York City didn’t see the big deal.

“I don’t get it. Isn’t it just the subway?” The fan said. “I take that every day, so I’m not really too excited. I already feel like I’ve explored the whole thing. But I think people are overreacting anyway. I mean, it’s set in NYC. How are they supposed to change it? It’s more important what content they fill it with.”

At press time, when asked if they considered expanding the map into The Bronx, the developers responded with confusion: “What’s that?” 

Nintendo Announces DLC Where You Can Do “Whatever the Hell You Want” to Tingle

KYOTO, Japan — Longtime Zelda Series Director Eiji Aounuma announced DLC for The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom that will add fan “favorite” Tingle to the mix and let players do “whatever they want” to the character.

“We just figured, the hell with it,” Aonuma explained. “We saw what players were doing to Koroks — the rockets, the crucifying, the burning alive — it was pretty disturbing. Then we thought about how great it would be if all that stuff happened to Tingle instead. I know it’s just a character we created, but we hate thinking about him. I mean, his voice is so annoying, and he’s always trying to sell maps. Why? This has been a long time coming. Finally The Legend of Zelda series reaches its true potential!”

According to leaked cutscenes, Tingle is reportedly thrilled to finally be included in the new Zelda game.

Lucky! Lucky! Tingle is so lucky to get to be with the great hero, Mr. Fairy!” Tingle exclaims in the cutscene, striking a pose. “Tingle asked if he would be selling maps, or giving hints to Mr. Fairy, but Tingle was told no. So Tingle isn’t sure what he’ll be doing. Whatever it is, it’ll sure beat getting my balloon popped over The Great Bay, or getting locked up on Windfall Island. Tingle is sure it will be fun! Yes! Yes! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Kooloo-Limpah!”

One lucky streamer on Twitch, “TingleHate98” was allowed special early access to the DLC.

“My Tingle trebuchet is coming along nicely.” TingleHate98 said, explaining his machinations. “Over here’s my Tingle smasher, there’s the Tingle shooting gallery. Right now I’m working on rounding up four horses so I can fuse them to Tingle’s limbs and send them all running in different directions. I started doing this for my Twitch stream, but now I just do it for me. Can you believe I got banned from Twitch for ‘violent extremism?’ Anyway, I can’t demo any of this for you right now, Tingle’s currently being rotisseried above Death Mountain.”

At press time, Tingle was heard shouting Unlucky! Unlucky!” while fused to the fist of a giant Zonai mech suit.

Everything We Know So Far About What Happens After You Die

One of the great mysteries of life is what happens after it ends. Many of the world’s greatest philosophers and thinkers have dedicated their entire careers to pondering this very question. And thanks to their great efforts, we now know quite a lot about what happens after you die! 

You’ll experience irreversible cessation of all functions of the entire brain, including the brain stem, as well as irreversible cessation of circulatory and respiratory functions

Once you’re at this point, you’re pretty much a goner. 

You get to challenge Grim Reaper to a game, and if you beat him, you get more time

This is why most StarCraft players live forever. The Reaper just doesn’t have the APM to keep up with an early game Zerg rush. 

Your skeleton is freed

Inside everyone is a skeleton just waiting to escape its flesh prison. Most skeletons spend their new found freedom napping, but some get really into interpretive dance. 

You get to meet Steve

Everyone looks forward to meeting Steve, but remember, you only get one shot at this, so don’t screw it up. 

Everyone will miss you, and they’ll all regret not being nicer to you while you were here

That’ll show ‘em. 

You’ll go to heaven  

If God thinks you have good vibes

Your boss will have to find someone to cover your shifts

If at all possible, you should reach out to your coworkers before you die, and see if anyone is available to cover for you. This will help ease the transitionary period for your team, proving that you’re a team player, and management material.

Your mom will be sad

Recent studies have shown that 4 out of 5 mothers don’t like outliving their children. 

Worm Friends

Worms love dead people, and they’re looking forward to meeting you too.

New Fortnite Trailer Just Hypnotic Spiral Telling Children to Buy $30 Worth of V-Bucks

CARY, N.C. — Epic Games released a new trailer for Chapter 4 Season 3 that some say was just a hypnotic spiral telling children to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks.

“I don’t understand why people are talking about battle-passes and Transformers and stuff like that. All I saw was a black and white spiral and voice telling me over and over again to purchase v-bucks,” said gamer Alfred Patton, who admitted to having impaired vision, causing him to not be able to fully watch the trailer. “I think Fortnite is boring, so I’m not really that interested in the new chapter, but that trailer was really weird. And even weirder is the bit everyone seems to be doing online where they claim the trailer had more to it than just the black and white spiral.”

Despite criticism from those like Patton, many young fans of the game are excited about the upcoming chapter.

“Yoooo that trailer was so sick!” said 13-year-old Fortnite fan Nadia Knapp. “I can’t wait to try out all the new stuff in it. I also would like to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks in Fortnite, dad. I would like to purchase the new battle-pass in Fortnite, mom. I would like to purchase the Optimus Prime skin in Fortnite, dad. I would like to purchase the new emotes in Fortnite, mom. Huh? Sorry, I blacked out for a second. What was I saying? Oh yeah, dude, the new chapter looks so awesome!”

According to developers at Epic Games, the team is planning for even more exciting new features down the line.

“You are getting verrrrry sleepy,” said Casper Finley, a marketing specialist working on Fortnite. “Close your eyes…. You know all about Fortnite. You love to grind rails. You love Mega City. You love to thank the bus driver. When I count backwards from 10, I’m going to snap my fingers. You’re going to open your eyes, calmly go to the Epic Game Store, update your copy of Fortnite, and purchase $30 worth of v-bucks to buy skins, emotes, and wraps. 10….9….8….7….6….5….4….3…2…1.”

I would like to purchase $30 worth of v-bucks.

Diablo 4 Necromancer Build Guide: The Best Corpse Skills to Use

Looking for a great Diablo 4 Necromancer build? We’ve got you covered! The game has been breaking concurrent records since its release according to its developer, with players all across the world hopping in to create their own character and take on the world. One of the best characters for solo players is the Necromancer due to its ability to create corpses and then use them to dominate the battlefield.

In order to truly maximize your Necromancer build, you should make sure that you’re taking advantage of the right skills, which means creating as many corpses as possible and investing points in the skills that bolster those opportunities.

Best Skills for a Necromancer Corpse Build in Diablo 4

The best skills for a Necromancer build in Diablo 4.

When playing with corpses in mind, you should focus on the abilities that are going to get the best potential from them. This means that the skills that create and manipulate corpses are going to be your best bet in a fight.

A pretty basic thing is making sure that your weapons are up to snuff, which means having the strongest thing you can in each hand. I tend to go more with the one-handed weapon and Focus build.

Most importantly, make sure that you equip the Decompose skill when you start, as it has the constant base ability to summon a corpse at your enemy’s feet every 2.5 seconds, which is obviously extremely useful, but I’ll go into more detail below.

Your optimal loadout for skills on a corpse build should include the “Raise a Skeleton” and “Golem,” as these will allow you a mini army that’s useful whether you’re alone or playing with allies. While it does take up two slots, and that can be jarring at first, it’s incredibly useful to have both kinds of allies on the field, with the Golem acting as more of a constant.

Of course, you’ll need to customize your Book of the Dead, which means getting to a high enough level where you unlock most of the options. 

Best Book of the Dead Settings: Necromancer Corpse Build

There are three different options in the Book of the Dead and they are all unlocked at different levels. You’ll need to reach at least level 30 before you’re able to equip the following settings, but they will increase your corpse spawn and provide a decent defense.

  • Equip your Skirmishers as Reapers
    • Set skill to the second node, giving Reapers a 15 percent chance to spawn extra corpses.
  • Equip your Skeletal Mages in Bone form
    • Set skill to the second node so that every time a Mage dies, it leaves behind a corpse and you get fortified for 11 percent of your base life.
  • Equip your Golem as the Bone form
    • Set skill to the first node, giving your Golem the ability to shed a corpse when it takes up to 20 percent damage of its maximum life

As you can probably tell, this will increase the number of corpses that spawn, but the death of the skeletal mages ensures you’ll also have a proper defense to help while you replace your allies.

Best Abilities and Upgrades for Necromancer

There are a few different abilities that you should equip as you level up and improve your Necromancer build in Diablo 4, but thankfully you can respec at any point. 

Try equipping these abilities to your hotkeys for the best abilities for the Corpse build:

  • Decompose: Creates a corpse every 2.5 seconds while also slowly draining enemies’ health. 
    • It doesn’t matter which upgrades you choose as long as you use this as your primary attack. You should constantly be draining your enemies.
  • Corpse Explosion: This takes advantage of all the corpses you’ve worked hard to spawn, working as an AOE bomb that deals 295 damage.
    • Upgrades don’t affect the build, so choose your favorites.
  • Corpse Tendrils: This draws in all the enemies in an area into the corpse with the tendrils, stunning them for three seconds and dealing 139 base damage. Then you can use the Corpse Explosion ability to take advantage of the cluster.
    • Upgrade to the first node to slow enemies and keep them from escaping the corpse.
    • Choose the Plagued Corpse Tendrils upgrade, applying Vulnerable and making your corpse explosions more impactful.
  • Army of the Dead ultimate: This summons volatile skeletons that explode on contact with enemies over seven seconds for 189 damage, but the benefit comes from
    • The first upgrade has the opportunity to spawn a corpse 15 percent of the time when the volatile skeletons explode.
    • The second upgrade causes the ability to resurrect all your Skeleton Skirmishers and Mages without exploding them.

Some additional stat upgrades you can use:

  • Necrotic Carapace:  Every time a Corpse is formed by your minions or skills, you are Fortified for 2/4/6 percent of your base life.
  • Golem Mastery: Increases the damage and life of your Bone Golem by 25/50/75 percent, meaning it will be able to spawn more corpses.
  • Reaper’s Pursuit tree: This whole tree will benefit your Decompose basic attack, but the first ability increases your movement speed by 5/10/15 percent for three seconds.
  • Grim Harvest tree: Using a Corpse will generate 2/4/6 essence for your character.

That’s it for our Diablo 4 Necromancer corpse build! Feel free to customize the build and test things out to find out which skills are best for you. While you’re here, check out our guides on the Wandering Death world boss and how to level up faster.

Spider-Man 2 Pre Order Bonus Guide & Edition Comparison

If you want to get the webslinger’s new game ASAP, check out our guide on the Spider-Man 2 pre order bonus! Thanks to the Summer Game Fest showcase, the game now has a release date of October 20, 2023. What may be more immediately important, though, is that pre-orders are confirmed to open on June 16.

When players go to pre-order, though, there are three different editions to choose from, each with their own perks. It can seem a bit confusing, so we broke it down. Here’s what you need to know about Spider-Man 2 and its pre-order bonus, including a complete edition comparison.

When Can You Pre Order Spider-Man 2?

Spider-Man 2 is going to be available for pre-order on June 16, at 10 AM local time. It’s a bit unclear what this means for the United States, or any other country that has multiple time zones. To be safe, it’s probably best to check at your country’s earliest possible time zone (for example, 10 AM EDT/7 AM PDT in the U.S.) You can pre order a digital edition on the PlayStation Store, or get one of the physical editions on PlayStation Direct, or other “participating retailers.”

Spider-Man 2: Pre-Order Bonus & Edition Comparison

As with all modern video game releases, there are a few editions to choose from. The standard, digital deluxe, and collector’s editions each have their own content that players won’t want to miss. Here’s what comes with each version of Spider-Man 2.

Spider-Man 2 Standard Edition Pre-Order Bonus

In the standard edition ($69.99), with a pre-order, players will earn the following:

  • Arachknight Suit for Peter early unlock (with 3 additional color variations)
  • Shadow-Spider Suit for Miles early unlock (with 3 additional color variations)
  • Web Grabber gadget early unlock
  • 3 skill points

Digital Deluxe Edition

The digital deluxe edition ($79.99) includes everything in the standard edition pre-order, as well as:

  • 10 unique suits for Peter and Miles created by guest artists from comics, films, and PlayStation Studios.
    • Includes Raf Grassetti (God of War), Victoria Ying (Shang-Chi and the Secret of Immortality), and Joel Mandish (Days Gone)
  • Additional photo mode frames and stickers
  • Two additional skill points

Collector’s Edition

The big one is the collector’s edition ($229.99), including:

  • Spider-Man 2 digital deluxe edition & pre-order bonus
  • Steelbook display case
  • 19-inch statue, which features Peter & Miles fighting Venom

That’s all you need to know about every edition of Spider-Man 2! While you’re waiting, check out our confirmed roster for Mortal Kombat 1, another upcoming game

Everything We Know About Spider-Verse 3

With Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse finally out, everyone is wondering: what’s next? How can I get as much information as possible about the next movie? Well here’s everything we know about it.

What Is the Current Title for the Film?

Untitled Sony Q2 Profits

Who Will the Movie Appeal To?

Anyone who doesn’t have epilepsy

When Will the Movie Be Released?

The minute you’re just old enough to feel a little bit embarrassed to see an animated superhero movie

Will Spider-Man Still Be Black?

Yes, Dad.

Will Spider-Man Defeat The Spot?

I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW!

Is Gwen Stacy Trans?

Gwen Stacy’s character is meant to be an allegory for whatever it is that gets you to buy tickets to the movie.

What Will the Film Be About?

A movie studio’s quest to make a billion dollars gross worldwide

How Many Webs Will Spider-Man Shoot?

47

New Transformers Movie to Include Autobot Who Turns Into Tesla and Immediately Runs Over Child

LOS ANGELES — According to the handful of people who have seen the film, Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, which released Friday, includes a Transformer named Memetron who turns into a self-driving Tesla and immediately hits a young child.

“We got into work one morning to find that Elon Musk had spent the whole night tweeting ‘Why no Tesla Transformers?’ at us,” said Paramount executive Marissa Lang. “We had to explain to him that the movie was set before the events of the first one — before Teslas became popular. There’s no Tesla character in the franchise. Then later, he drove a dump-truck full of money up to the studio and we agreed to put Memetron in the movie. He named the character himself.”

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) was reportedly shocked when members saw the first cut of the movie.

“It was a baffling choice. The rather bloody effects of the self-driving Tesla running into the child’s body were, in a word, nauseating,” said MPAA worker Trish Morgansson in response to Memetron’s intro, which includes the gruesome death of a five-year-old. “But ultimately, I just had to tell myself: this is like a documentary. This is what would actually happen if a self-driving Tesla were to plow into a young child at a crosswalk. Honestly, it’s the best Transformers movie yet!”

Those who have seen the film also reported that Memetron is played by Tesla CEO Elon Musk himself. Although Musk is not a professional actor, the tech billionaire has made appearances in TV shows like The Simpsons, Rick and Morty and Saturday Night Live, as well as a cameo in the film Iron Man 2. According to sources from within Paramount, the “Beast” from the title Transformers: Rise of the Beasts may even refer to Musk himself.

Despite this, producers confirmed he will not appear again in the franchise. This is likely as a result of the scene in which Memetron is brutally killed by an exploding battery about fifteen minutes into his screen time. 

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