Enough Already: When Is Nintendo Going to Announce the Next Zelda Game?

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey, Gamers! Sorry to drop the curtain of our normal satirical headlines, but once in a while we here at Hard Drive like to use the platform we’ve established to take a stand, or ask something important. It’s not often that we like to break character, but we find ourselves at one of those infrequent times where such a disruption is necessary, and it’s to ask this question: 

When the hell are they gonna announce another Zelda game? 

This is ridiculous. When Tears of the Kingdom dropped, it captured the collective conversation in a way that very few games are able to do. It was one of those really fun moments in gaming where seemingly everybody is playing the same thing, having the same experience. In the hours and days since that iconic release, however, major games have come out including Street Fighter 6 and Diablo 4, while Nintendo sat around and released nothing. Frankly, they’ve been struggling to keep up lately, and have lost the foothold on the larger gaming discussion they once held, towards the end of last month. 

There’s only one way for Nintendo to turn the tide. Some have said that with the release of a second mainline Zelda game, the Switch is almost certainly nearing the logical endpoint of its lifespan, and therefore a new hardware announcement is a crucial and necessary move for Nintendo, a surefire way to keep the company’s future bright. That’s not true, however. Nintendo consoles are a coin toss between generation defining experiences or poorly designed failures that may or may not hinge on some weird novelty. They’re a complete crapshoot. For every Game Boy or Wii, there’s a Virtual Boy or WiiU. I understand Nintendo’s hesitancy to buy that lottery ticket, especially coming off of one of their biggest successes. Their next system is almost certain to be some goofy shit that lays an egg. I wouldn’t be in a hurry either. 

So instead, why not just give us pigs the slop we want and announce more Zelda? I mean, come on. In addition to reclaiming the larger focus of the gaming world, it’s the least Nintendo can do after not releasing any DLC for Tears of the Kingdom yet. Once again, come on. I beat the game a week ago for crying out loud. And while it’s true the game has tremendous replay value, that’s just not the same, is it?  

It’s time to do the right thing for once, Nintendo. Announce the next Zelda game, for fuck’s sake. 

Crash Bandicoot: The Hard Drive Interview

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

I don’t know what I expected Crash Bandicoot to be like in real life, but it wasn’t this. To start, he’s 40 minutes late to meet me at the diner he chose. That part’s not so weird. One time Ms. Pac Man left me waiting in a hotel lobby for three hours while she decided what bow to put in her hair.  No, what’s strange is when the star of over 20 Crash Bandicoot games blames car trouble for his tardiness, even though I watched him spin his way into the parking lot like the Tasmanian Devil. He keeps stepping outside for cigarettes the entire time we’re together. He stops the waitress four different times to ask her if he can get an apple, even though she’s told him they have none. He’s just a little off. 

Still, although he was grumpier than I would’ve liked, and the conversation ultimately took an unfortunate turn, it still was truly a remarkable experience, sitting and chatting with an icon of my childhood. 

In between cigarettes, that is. 

(Note: Excerpts of the following interview have been edited for clarity, and we took out a lot of the apple stuff.) 

 

Crash Bandicoot (returning from outside): Hey, sorry about that. This would be so much easier for the both of us if we could still smoke in diners, you know?

 

Hard Drive: Yeah, you’re right. It’s no problem. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for doing this. 

Crash Bandicoot: No problem. Let me see one of those menus, okay? You’re paying, right? You said you’d cover?

 

Hard Drive: I don’t think we said, but sure. I can grab lunch. 

Crash Bandicoot: Breakfast. It’s breakfast for me. I just woke up. 

 

Hard Drive: It’s 3:00 PM. 

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, but I’m a bandicoot. 

 

Hard Drive: Oh, sure. That’s right. 

Crash Bandicoot: If I wasn’t famous, I’d be sleeping in a nest with my boys all day. 

 

Hard Drive: Aww. 

Crash Bandicoot: But also without Hollywood doctors I would’ve died like 20 years ago. 

 

Hard Drive: Damn! 

Crash Bandicoot: Yeah, it’s crazy. A lot of people criticized me and said I ‘went Hollywood’ when I moved out here, but Bandicoots generally only live two to four years on their own, so you know. On the plus side, that backlash all sort of died down as everyone back home, uh, died down. Hey you think they’d bring me an apple if I asked? Where’s the lady?

 

Hard Drive: They might. 

Crash: Apple! Someone! An apple!

 

Hard Drive: Hey sit back down, Crash. 

Crash Bandicoot: You think I’m being rude, huh? You just don’t know what it’s like for a big ass bandicoot. It’s really fucking hard, man. You think I like wearing jean shorts?  I hate these things. I just need to make myself look like a little bit of a dork so no one’s scared of me. My first game was almost rated M for that reason, you know? On account of children being scared of actual bandicoots. Which is insane, by the way. There’s no reason for a child to be afraid of bandicoots, unless that child smells like earthworms. Then they’re in trouble. I’ll give you that. 

 

The interview carried on in bursts, in between Crash’s frequent visits to the bathroom and trips outside to smoke another Marlboro. A lot of the exchanges were difficult to transcribe, bordering on impossible, due to the erratic nature of Crash. He would shout at people who recognized him, insisting he wasn’t Crash Bandicoot. For some reason, everything made him ornery. Every interaction, every topic. 

I asked him if he followed sports and he yelled that they were all rigged. I asked him if he’d been enjoying the weather, he slammed his fists on the table and said it was all rigged. Try as I might, I couldn’t help the situation. 

I lost my patience once he wandered into the diner’s kitchen and demanded the staff tell him how “everything works back here.” 

 

Hard Drive: I wish you wouldn’t keep fucking around like that. 

Crash Bandicoot (returning to his seat): Yeah, and I wish they still made Crash Bandicoot games!

 

Hard Drive: Didn’t Crash Bandicoot 4 come out a few years ago?

Crash Bandicoot: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Cool! 

 

Hard Drive: So what are you so upset about? What is it that has you so agitated?

Crash Bandicoot: Do you mean, like, politically?

 

Hard Drive: Not necessarily. Could be jungle shit or whatever. Relationships. Whatever’s bothering you. 

Crash Bandicoot: I feel like you’re trying to take this down a political path, and I really don’t know if that’s the best thing to do here. 

 

Hard Drive: No, I don’t want this to get political at all. Really. 

Crash Bandicoot: Look, I’m supporting Ron DeSantis. I know it’ll surprise some of my fans, but I just think he’s the guy for the moment. 

 

Hard Drive: This is not at all what I wanted to talk about, Crash. 

Crash Bandicoot: The woke mind virus was the real pandemic. 

 

Hard Drive: Oh geez. Okay Crash, is this why you called us? To get some talking points out? I used to love playing your games, man. What happened to you? 

Crash Bandicoot: I started watching some really good things on my phone. Some really, really powerful things. 

 

Hard Drive: I don’t know what to say. Can we change gears here? Hey, was it fun making that Crash Team Racing game? Or was it pretty intense?

Crash Bandicoot: I’m starting a streaming service with Kevin Sorbo and James Woods. We’re working on a sketch comedy show where they dress up like girls and I poop in the safe space they work at. Most of the sketches are some variation on that. It’s called America Plus. And the sketch comedy show is called Triggered, but I wanted to call it Crashing the Party. 

 

Hard Drive: I don’t think that sounds very good, man.
Crash Bandicoot: Hey, that’s fine. We knew this would offend a lot of people. 

 

Hard Drive: No, I’m not offended. It just sounds pretty bad. 

Crash Bandicoot: Oh, I gotcha. Hey, I’m gonna go have another cigarette. 

 

And with that, Crash spun away, the same as he arrived. I’d technically received answers to most of my questions, but the interview hardly felt like a success. Never meet your heroes, folks. And if you must, do your best not to get stuck with the bill after they heavily damage a public bathroom. 

Doctor Informs Mother She Doesn’t Have Long to Live After Giving Birth to Protagonist

Posted on by Seyoung Kim

BALEHO VILLAGE — Doctors reportedly warned Elena Paleheart, a new mother living in a humble village on a great continent, that her child will one day be the great hero of a legendary tale — meaning her days are numbered.

“This is a terminal condition,” the doctor told the new mother. “Many heroes have tried to save their mothers, but all have failed to reverse the hands of fate. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to provide a prognosis, as it’s rare for mothers of protagonists to even survive childbirth. You might get some clues by asking a local elder if there’s a prophecy. Your son is the one who was sent to this land to save all of us from the great evil… I am so sorry. Let me know if you need to read any pamphlets.”

Elena took the news with grace and, according to those close to her, she intends to make the most of her situation.

“The doctor has recommended I make end-of-life plans — I’m thinking a horrific murder, maybe even sacrificing myself for my child,” she said. “That way I’ll always be in my son’s life as a tragic backstory. He can’t forget me if, every time he goes into battle, he looks slightly up and sees a memory of me at low opacity.”

The child’s older sister was not so enthused about her mother’s predicted untimely death.

“I want the savior of our world to deliver us from evil just as much as the next person, but did it have to be my younger sibling?” she moaned. “I’m not looking forward to being their noble, aggrieved caretaker after Mom dies. Little brothers are the worst! Not to mention, I think I could be the chosen one even though I probably miss the qualifications just by a little bit — and I don’t want that to be like, my whole thing. I’m into other stuff too!”

At press time, Elena was found attempting to contact the child’s father, unaware that the child’s search for their missing father and his subsequent death would catalyze the final act transformation in their hero’s journey.

Diablo 4 Wandering Death World Boss Guide: Location & Rewards

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Wandering Death, Death Given Life is one of three current World Boss Event enemies in Diablo 4. Beating this boss can yield powerful equipment & rewards, making it worth fighting. This guide will outline its known spawn locations, rewards, moveset, and strategies.

Wandering Death, Death Given Life Spawn Locations

  • The Crucible in Fractured Peaks
  • Saraan Caldera in Dry Steppes
  • Caen Adar in Scosglen
  • Fields of Desecration in Hawezar

Diablo 4 Wandering Death Rewards

  • XP scaled to your level
  • Gold scaled to your level
  • Equipment including Legendary and Unique
  • Legendary Grand Cache for the very first weekly victory against this particular World Boss

Diablo 4 Wandering Death Spawn Times

Unlike the D4 betas, there is no set spawn time for any of the World Bosses, so you will have to rely on the global announcement that appears on the map screen alerting you with a countdown to the spawning and its location. While you can currently only see that announcement for a World Boss Event after you have beaten the campaign for the first time, the event will of course still be spawning in the shared open-world of Diablo 4 for other players. This means that you can still join in on the fun if you happen to stumble upon it randomly, or if you are in a party with someone who has completed the campaign, or have knowledge of the spawn time and location from another external source.

Diablo 4 World Boss: Wandering Death Moveset

Bone Tornado

Multiple whirlwinds of debris fall from the sky that can fling around any players caught in their swirling.

Earth Rend

First the World Boss rips up the ground in multiple directions for quite a distance, and then draws the debris back towards it.

Vortex Pull/Push

Forcefully draws all combatants on the field right up to itself, before sending them flying backward and away from it.

Earth Slam

A ground pound with each arm which also outwardly radiates multiple spike attacks over the surface.

Death Multi Beam

Beginning with two beams fired from its body, the World Boss rotates slowly while attacking with this high damage but easy to evade move. An additional beam is added as its HP falls.

Bone Circle

After conjuring a circle of bones, the World Boss detonates it, doing damage to both those caught within and anyone in close proximity on the outside. Break through to escape it.

How To Beat Wandering Death, Death Given Life

Wandering Death has four breakpoints (the inverted red triangles) in its health bar. With each successive phase, the triangles turn gray and flip, plus the boss adds new attacks and increases their number as well. At some point in the first phase, it will split each of its arms in two, which also modifies some of the attack moves.

Most of the moves can be avoided by staying close to it, and on either flank, not directly behind or in front. This puts you just out of the hitbox of Earth Slam (both front and back), gives you time to get some distance from Earth Rend even when the flank variant is added, and lets you rotate along with Wandering Death during Multi Beam. Bone Tornado and Bone Circle are mid-range attacks and pose little threat at this position. Vortex Pull/Push is something you will have to tank, since there’s no escaping it at any attack range.

Staggering the boss with Crowd Control status effects gives you a brief opportunity to beat it down with impunity. One or more of the arms will appear to break off, but this is only temporary, and will be reattached when it gets back up. The real targets are the two Trapped Souls that will appear, and eliminating them will cause bonus damage to the boss itself.

And that is everything you need to know before you confront the Diablo 4 World Boss known as Wandering Death, Death Given Life. While you’re here, check out our guide on how to level up faster in Diablo IV!

I Sincerely Hope None Of You Bought This Swarovski x Marvel Collaboration

Posted on by Ryan Fleishman

Today, I made the mistake of opening Facebook. Besides the usual memes for geriatrics and raging Trump uncles, I had the misfortune of reading a sponsored ad for “The Swarovski x Marvel Collection.” That’s right, the famous jeweler Swarovski made a collection of very pricey Marvel jewelry and figures for all you rich Marvel fanboys.

The crown jewel (please laugh) of this Marvel collection is a $23,000 dollar crystal figure of Spiderman hanging upside-down. Apparently it took 233 hours to complete, featuring “more than 32,000 glittering crystals, all set using our patented Pointiage technique.” That’s cool and all, but I’m missing the reason why anyone should spend a new car’s worth of cash on a product I’d describe as “kinda neat.”

Of course, Swarovski included some cheaper options for you filthy plebeians, such as the $175 Hulk bracelet or this infuriatingly right-side-up $530 Spiderman figure. So if you want to help bouncers realize you are NOT a good fit for the club, maybe pick up a diamond Marvel necklace instead of eating lunch for a month.

Imagine shelling out just to choose the Hulk…

I’m fairly sure people agree with me that these gilded tchotchkes are worthless, since the only posts I can find on Facebook and Twitter are from middleman jewelers desperately trying to pawn this crap off to whatever rube that’ll listen. Considering Swarovski had to sponsor posts on Facebook in the first place, I assume these aren’t selling.

The Swarovski x Marvel collab is, fundamentally, an oxymoron. How many millionaires have the liquid funds to drop 20K on a statuette while still giving a phantom of a shit about Marvel? Are high society folks sipping champagne on yachts while thinking, “Man, I could really use a bedazzled Funko Pop?”

In fact, we all owe an apology to Funko Pops. They might be ugly, cheesy, and generally lame, but at least they’re cheap. You’re never going to default on your loans by picking up the $11.99 Spiderman Funko Pop during a Walmart run. Note: This is not a challenge. Please do not default on your loans for Funko Pops.

These figures are worth more than my kidneys on the black market

Logically speaking, the only people interested in this Marvel schmuck bait with the funds to buy it would be a lottery winner or a Youtuber, so keep an eye out for diamonds in the background of the next 2 hour long The Marvels cinematic trailer breakdown Youtube recommends you.

Seriously, do not buy this. You have better ends to spend towards. As nerds, our fandom doesn’t need to be defined by how much of our paycheck we sacrifice at the altar. And to all you freaks out there: no, it doesn’t come with a jar.

Blizzard Announces Pat Robertson Coming to Diablo IV

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

IRVINE, Calif. — Blizzard released a teaser video this morning that seems to indicate recently deceased televangelist Pat Robertson will be coming to their netherworld set hack and slash hit Diablo IV, sources have confirmed. 

“Yoooo, they’re doing it, that’s so cool,” said one Diablo IV fan upon seeing the unprompted footage. “We all know that if there’s any kind of god whatsoever, Pat Robertson went straight to hell like right away. It’s good to see that represented in as many versions of hell as possible. Hopefully other games set in hell follow suit, like Doom, Metal: Hellsinger, and Cuphead.” 

The short trailer merely shows a door creaking open and the familiar voice of Robertson saying “Daddy’s home, fellas.” It is unclear at this point how or if the character will affect Diablo IV gameplay

“That’s pretty crazy that they apparently crunched just to get this asshole straight into hell,” said Stephanie Stone, another local Diablo fan. “But then again, Robertson blamed 9/11 on homosexuality and the Haitian earthquake on their pact with the devil, so I’m not exactly mad if part of his legacy is languishing in hell for the duration of Diablo IV’s success, which seems to be the immediate future as long as everyone stays online.”

Many gamers, however, criticized what they saw as merely another company bowing to the popular whims of the moment. 

“Oh please,” said one angry Twitter user that goes by the handle Rick2386261. “Putting Pat Robertson in hell is just more woke Pride Month nonsense. That whole message that comes up in the game about how [Robertson] said Hurricane Katrina was a result of abortions was so clearly written by some stupid liberal. Cry more about it. Geez, so I’m down Diablo and Cracker Barrel this week. Fuck!” 

As of press time, Nicolas Cage was also coming to Diablo IV, just ‘cause. 

Final Fantasy Ever Crisis Beta Guide: When & Where to Play

Posted on by Parker Johnson

The newest addition to the FF7 collection is coming up quick, and the Final Fantasy Ever Crisis closed beta will be players’ first chance to try it for themselves. Described as “another possibility for a remake,” the upcoming mobile game will give players a first chance to play a more faithful version of the original games in the Final Fantasy 7 universe. However, the new trailer shown at Summer Game Fest seems to tease some new content coming as well, particularly regarding Sephiroth. For now, though, here’s what you need to know about the upcoming Ever Crisis closed beta.

When is the Final Fantasy 7 Ever Crisis Beta?

The Final Fantasy Ever Crisis closed beta will take place from July 6-13, though Square Enix calls these dates “tentative.” They also recommend following their official social channels to keep an eye out for any changes on this schedule. With July coming up soon, any changes should be announced in the near future.

How Do You Sign Up For the Beta?

The sign up to get access to the Final Fantasy Ever Crisis beta is through the Play Store. Make sure that when you do this, you also check the toggle for early access. If you don’t see the toggle and you’re on desktop, it’s worth logging in on your mobile device to see if the toggle is there. Then, once invites go out for the beta, you will be notified in Google Play if you have been selected as a closed beta tester. Pre-registration for this beta is open from June 8-28, so make sure you register by June 28 to play!

Is the Ever Crisis Beta on iOS?

Using the Play Store means that no, the beta is unfortunately restricted to players on Android devices. Perhaps in the future there will be something similar for Apple players, but the July beta is restricted to those on Androids.

That’s all you need to know about the Final Fantasy 7 Ever Crisis beta! While you’re here, check out our rankings of the best Final Fantasy games.

Peacock Under Fire for Releasing Twisted Metal Preview Into Already Polluted Air

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — NBCUniversal streaming service Peacock has drawn scrutiny after releasing a putrid and toxic Twisted Metal trailer into the already polluted American air, sources have confirmed. 

“Shame on Peacock for contributing to what is already a historically unsafe level of air degradation,” said Lynn Rogers, an EPA spokesperson and old school Twisted Metal fan from back in the day. “I understand that the trailer had probably been ready for some time, but to premiere something so dangerously noxious while the American Northeast is collectively dealing with the effects of Canadian wildfires, well, it’s just irresponsible. Not to mention they didn’t show a single fucking car in the preview. What the hell was that about?”

Executive producers of the upcoming Twisted Metal show apologized and vowed to offset their negative contributions to the current media environment. 

“We’re sorry for our part in this mess, and we’re doing everything we can to fix it,” said Michael Jonathan Smith, executive producer of the series. “We’re working on a new trailer that will be a little more what everyone expected to see, and hopefully we can clear the air around this project a little bit in every sense of the word. We’ve also heard your concern regarding the dated and strained jokes about musical artist Sisqo, and will be cutting those by over 75% in this new version. Also, hey, we might even show a car or two! Keep your eyes peeled!”  

As of press time, the EPA has once again reminded citizens with respiratory illnesses that they might not want to seek out yesterday’s Twisted Metal footage. 

Conservatives Call Bullshit on ‘Spider-Verse’ Fan Theory Claiming Miles Morales Is Black

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Conservatives nationwide are rolling their collective eyes at a new fan theory that Miles Morales from Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse is black.

To support the theory, eagle-eyed fans have noticed subtle allusions to the fact that the character may be black, including decorations in his bedroom, his clothing, and the color of the background during certain scenes he is in.

According to one Twitter user, Kelly Markham, who referred to Miles as “a black man” in a viral post, the theory just makes sense. “What?” she said when asked to comment. “It’s not a theory… he just is black. Like if you look at him.”

Despite the theory’s growing prevalence online, however, many right-leaning fans have dismissed it as bogus.

“I’m sorry, but this is just the left forcing more of their woke bullshit down our throats. Miles Morales is a white man,” said conservative comic book YouTube critic CaptainMerica99. “Let me ask you this: if Miles is black, then why is his dad a cop? Hm? You don’t have to force every single goddamn character to fit into your lies to promote your sick political agenda. The truth is, just like in the real world, 95% of fictional characters are simply normal: white men.”

“If anything, it would be nice if the movie discussed some real political issues,” he added. “Like the dwindling of the white race, which is nearly extinct. But the woke mind virus in Hollywood would never allow for that!”

And yet, many fans of the film are to push for the theory to be accepted as canon — similarly refusing to accept opposing arguments.

“I don’t understand what you’re asking. Miles is, like, visibly black,” Markham insisted. “And he’s half Puerto-Rican, which he refers to in the movie. He speaks Spanish in it! It’s like a major theme of the movies that he feels like an outsider. It’s not a theory!”

The creators of the film have not been asked to comment, of course, because they would never reveal the answer to minor fan squabbling, so we may never know the truth of Miles’ race. But perhaps that’s the real point — to make us think and theorize — and to make us consider art in new lights. Not to mention, buy a few more tickets to carefully inspect the film!

Heartwarming: Woman Who Lost Everything Builds New Power Suit Piece by Piece

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

ZEBES — Galactic bounty hunter Samus Aran had her work cut out for her after losing all of her power suit’s combat abilities when investigating a distress signal on a strange planet. Luckily, with a little creativity and perseverance, she was able to replace and even enhance her missing weaponry.

“So after the electromagnetic pulse or whatever hits and I realize I can’t use my rockets, I’m like, ‘Okay, wow, I’m screwed,’” said Aran in an Instagram story. “But it turned out to be a really positive experience. Suddenly feeling so helpless made me really appreciate all this technology that we rely on every day. Whenever I found one of my old abilities, it was like, ‘I’m gonna look at this in a new light. I’m not gonna, you know, take it for granted.’ Not many people get that opportunity six or seven times in their lives.”

Many of Aran’s social media followers came out to support her after she shared the story.

“OMG YES!!! Slay, bestie!” posted Instagram user @CommADAMM, who was accused of being a bot in several replies. “I know how crazy this whole experience must have been for you, but I’m glad you came through it even stronger than ever! Just remember to always ask permission before using your weapons! LOL JK!”

Not all of the reactions to the story were so positive. After a video of Aran’s Instagram post was shared to Twitter, several users took issue with it.

“This is the kind of thing that gets passed around as some sort of feel-good story when it’s actually the exact opposite,” said @GrayVoxPirate. “Why should a bounty hunter be responsible for rebuilding all of this hyper-advanced technology that she relies on to make her livelihood? Where was the Galactic Federation in all of this? It’s exactly what I’m always talking about. We’re failing our citizens on a fundamental level.”

Just days after Aran’s story went viral, she posted another reel from a mysterious planet showing her demolished suit with the caption, “Here we go again!”

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