Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Every Smash Bros. Character Ranked by How Good a Friend I Think They Would Be

Posted on June 14, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

There’s a lot of characters in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and much debate has been had over which character is the most powerful. But the question remains: which one of them would be the best friend? I’ve gone through every single character and ranked them by how good a friend and person they are.

#86 — Piranha Plant

As a Piranha Plant main, it pains me to say that Piranha Plant is a terrible friend. He is actively mean to me. If he sees me on the street, he doesn’t just ignore me — he spits a poison cloud in my face and laughs. Just leave me alone, Piranha Plant!!!

#85 — Dark Samus

Dark Samus makes racist jokes. It is really uncomfortable. That’s not “dark,” Dark Samus; it’s just racist.

#84 — Steve

Steve’s the kinda guy to offer to pick you up at the airport and then decide, day of, that he doesn’t feel like it. He didn’t even forget — just decided to scroll through TikTok on his phone instead. Doesn’t even text you to say he isn’t coming.

#83 — Wii Fit Trainer

Wii Fit Trainer is an Instagram influencer and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. She thinks I am less than dirt.

#82 — Mario

Mario is one of the most famous people alive. Decent chance that he is an absolute monster.

#81 — Olimar

Olimar seems like he is completely unwilling to be my friend unless I join his weird cult thing, and I am not interested in doing that at all because he does not seem to fully value the lives of those who are in it.

#80 — Simon Belmont

Simon is very impressed with himself but doesn’t have much to show for it in a way that I find annoying. He would constantly be bragging about things and belittle your accomplishments. You tell him something you’re proud of that you did at work and he’s just like “mhm.”

#79 — Ice Climbers

Ice Climbers are those twins you meet who don’t seem to notice anyone else in the world. They are all in on each other and don’t need other friends. They will one day live in a big house with their spouses and honestly it’s fucking weird.

#78 — Princess Zelda

I just kind of think Zelda is stuck up. I dunno what it is, I just don’t vibe with her at all. Not really sure what her problem is, we just DO NOT get along at all and I hate running into her.

#77 — Duck Hunt

Duck Hunt Dog thinks he’s sooooooo funny. Well guess what? He’s not. He’s just MEAN. It’s not fucking funny and no one is laughing. Shut the fuck up.

#76 — Fox McCloud

Fox is a cool guy now, but he was a horribly mean bully in middle school and I will never forgive him for it. I don’t care if people change.

#75 — Dr. Mario

Dr. Mario thinks he’s better than everybody because he’s a doctor and he’s like not even one of the really impressive ones. He basically just prescribes pills to people. OK? Get over yourself bro. You’ll see him in the corner of your eye at a party, and like clockwork, within five minutes you hear him say, “oh, I’m actually a doctor.”

#74 — Link

I don’t know what it is, but I cannot get this guy to talk to me at all. He’s just completely uninterested. I know some people say he is great, but I don’t know what they are talking about.

#73 — Ness

Ness may be just a child, but I’m absolutely fine saying that he’s a little twerp. He will run up to you and hit you in the shin with a yo-yo. I would rank him lower on this list if he wasn’t a literal child, but he is a bad friend. Do not be friends with this boy.

#72 — Lucario

Lucario doesn’t clean up after themselves when you all get food. They don’t take their shoes off when they’re in a no-shoes house. They don’t wash their hands when they go to the bathroom. They’re constantly talking about becoming “more powerful.” OK bro.

#71 — Sora

I just don’t really like Sora and it’s not even really Sora’s fault, but it’s true. We do not vibe well in the slightest. Maybe he’s a good friend, I don’t know. Don’t really care. People swear he’s a good dude and then whenever I see him, I’m just like “ugh, I can’t stand this guy.”

#70 — Wario

I don’t mind when Wario is around, and sometimes I even think he’s alright, but then he’ll do something like Wario fart on me as a joke and I think it’s the least funny thing anyone has ever done in the history of the planet.

#69 — Mewtwo

I thought Mewtwo was cool, but I’ve been noticing lately that he kinda doesn’t really respect any women, and it is really making me wary of him in general. I get that his recent break-up was really hard on him, so I’m gonna give him some time to see if it’s just a phase, but keeping an eye on this guy, because it’s not feeling ironic or anything like that.

#68 — Mii Gunner

Maybe it’s because I’m not a gun guy, but Mii Gunner and I just come from wildly different cultures and don’t mesh well because of it. We became friendly due to proximity, but it’s not a real friendship and we both know it.

#67 — Samus

Samus is a workaholic. And I totally get that she has a really stressful job (space bounty hunter or something like that), but she will snap at you and then be like “sorry, my job is so hard. I had to fight a bunch of metroids today” and you have to be like, “oh don’t worry, it’s so OK.” But I don’t think it’s so OK.

#66 — Chrom

There’s too many Fire Emblem characters and they all hang out in one insular group and I don’t think I will ever penetrate it. Chrom does not want to be my friend. Is he a good friend to the other Fire Emblem characters? I have no idea.

#65 — Jigglypuff

Having a conversation with Jigglypuff is an exhausting experience. It’s so difficult to get a word in and it always feels like you’re both playing defense the entire time. I dunno if it’s just because they’re always running away from everything I say, but at the end of the convo, it feels like all we did was run out of time.

#64 — Bowser

Bowser always has a group of friends who he just met because he recently drove his entire friend group away by doing some heinous shit. But don’t worry — he’s working on himself and this time it’s all going to be different.

#63— Shulk

I would love it if Shulk could put on a shirt.

#62 — Pyra/Mythra

Pyra and Mythra are BEST FRIENDS and no one can EVER COME BETWEEN THEM. They’re down to have other friends, so long as everyone knows that THEY ARE ONLY EACH OTHER’S BEST FRIENDS. Like, OK, we get it. Sorry for asking if you want to get lunch.

#61 — Joker

Joker isn’t exactly a terrible person but he is obsessed with Reddit to the point where he is insufferable to be around. Like he is saying things like “thanks for the gold, kind stranger” out loud in front of other people. He cannot be trusted in public.

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Servers at Netflix Restaurant Constantly Asking Patrons If They’re Still Eating

Posted on June 14, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Netflix Bites, a pop up kitchen featuring world-renowned chefs from the streaming giant’s programming, opened this month to wide criticism regarding its service.

“The waitress just hovered over my shoulder the entire time,” said Kathy Johansen, who shared that she had come to the restaurant to get exclusive food that she couldn’t find anywhere else. “Every few bites, she’d ask me if I was still eating. I guess I could have told her not to ask me again, but I was so eager to get to the next little morsel that I didn’t even think of it. I just said yes and kept shoveling Asian fusion into my maw.”

Marcy Harris, a local who noted that she had visited the establishment several nights in a row out of convenience, said that overbearing servers aren’t the only issue she has with Netflix Bites.

“The menu is terrible,” said Harris. “It seemed kind of overwhelming at first, but after a few visits I realized that there actually weren’t that many dishes. They just kept repeating the same meals in different categories with weird descriptions, like ‘Vegetarian Stir-Fry for LGBTQ+ Teens.’ After reading through the whole thing, I’m usually so exhausted that I just order the same thing I always get, which luckily has its own section right at the top.”

Terry Cline, a former employee who left the restaurant due to stress, stated that the controversial decisions had come straight from the top.

“They kept making us do weird stuff, like all of a sudden we were supposed to ask customers not to share food with each other or we would have to charge them more,” said Cline. “The customers always assumed I was doing a Tim Robinson bit as some sort of cross-promotion, but management was totally serious. I started adding the additional fee to the bill without saying anything. Nobody noticed.”

At press time, Netflix announced that it was sunsetting a separate food delivery service that it had been running for decades, reporting that no one really used it anymore.

All Cars Removed From GTA Online: San Andreas Mercenaries

Posted on June 14, 2023 by Parker Johnson

With the San Andreas Mercenaries update, instead of excitement for additions, players now have to look for content that is now gone: specifically, all cars removed from GTA Online with its latest update. There were new additions in the GTA Online update, but with it comes a baffling choice from Rockstar to remove vehicles. This news wasn’t highly advertised by the developer which has left players a bit blindsided.

It is worth mentioning that this removal hasn’t taken these cars out of the garages of players who already own them. They simply will no longer be available for purchase from the game’s store. Nonetheless, removed content from ongoing games is always frustrating. Here’s every car removed in the latest GTA Online update.

All Cars Removed From GTA Online (Mercenaries Update)

Courtesy of r/GTAOnline, here’s the complete list of cars removed in the new update:

Southern San Andreas Super Autos

2-Doors:

Peyote Gasser
Zion Classic
Nebula Turbo
Issi Sport
Vamos
Futo
Ruiner
Romero
Prairie
Michelli GT
Fagaloa
Hermes
Retinue
Tornado Rat-Rod
Massacro Racecar
Jester Racecar
Pigalle
Blade
Picador
F620
Fusilade
Penumbra
Sentinel
Rat-Loader
Schwartzer
Zion Cabrio
Zion
Gauntlet
Vigero
Issi
Seminole Frontier
Dynasty
Tulip
BeeJay XL
FQ2
Serrano
Habanero
Cheburek
Streiter
Franken Stange
Jackal
Oracle Xs
Schafter
Surge
Warrener
Regina
Primo
Buffalo
Buffalo S
Tailgater
Asea
Ranger
Ingot
Intruder
Minivan
Premier
Radius
Stanier
Stratum
Washington
Asterope
Paradise
Fugitive
Dilettante
Off-Roads:
Hellion
Riata
Seminole
Kalahari
Rebel (Clean)
Sanking SWB
Bodhi
Dune Buggy
Rebel
Injection
Bison

Luxury:

Landstalker XL
Patriot
Contender
Landstalker
Gresley
Baller
Cavalcade 2nd Gen
Cavalcade
Rocoto
Felon GT
Felon
Oracle

Motorcycles:

Wolfsbane
Esskey
Avarus
Zombie Bobber
Daemon (Bikers one)
Rat-Bike
Bagger
Faggio Mod
Fagio Sport
Cliffhanger
Enduro
Nemesis
Hakuchou
Innovation
Sovereign
Hot Rod Blazer
Bati 801RR
Ruffian
Vader
Blazer
PCJ 600
Sanchez (both versions)
Faggio
Akuma
Double-T
Hexer

Legendary Motorsport Removed Vehicles

2-Doors:

Tigon
Imorgon
Zorruso
Locust
Neo
Paragon R
S80RR
Deviant
Stafford
Swinger
Comet SR
Hustler
190Z
GT500
Viseris
Savestra
SC1
Cyclone
Rapid GT Classic
XA-21
Torero
Ruston
GP1
Raptor
Lynx
ETR1
Tyrus
RE-7B
Seven-70
811
Verlierer
Brawler
Coquette BlackFin
Stirling GT
Furore GT
Jester
Alpha
Z-Type
Stinger GT
Stinger
JB700
Cheetah
Entity XF
Cognoscenti Cabrio
Coquette
Feltzer
Infernus
9F Cabrio
9F
Comet
Vacca
Bullet
Carbonizzare
Voltic
Rapid GT Cabrio
Rapid GT
Surrano

4-Doors:

Stafford
Revolter
Raiden
XLS (both versions)
Roosevelt Valor
Roosevelt
Cognoscenti 55 (both versions)
Cognoscenti (both versions)
Baller LWB (both versions)
Schafter LWB (both versions)
Exemplar
Super Diamond

Bikes:

Thrust

Warstock Cache & Carry: All Removed GTA Online Cars

Lifeguard Granger
Lifeguard Blazer
MW Mesa

Benny’s

Comet

As of right now, those are all of the cars removed from GTA Online that we know about. Twitter user @MGGames100 has compiled the list on there, so be sure to keep an eye there for any updates regarding removed vehicles. While you’re here, check out our other information, like whether you need PlayStation Plus to play GTA Online.

Starfield to Take Place in Galaxy That Is Canonically 30 Frames Per Second

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Todd Howard confirmed today that Starfield will take place in a galaxy that operates at just 30 frames per second.

“We heard your complaints about the performance of our upcoming game Starfield and we wanted to let you know we came up with a solution: the whole galaxy where the game takes place actually, in-universe, is only able to function at 30 frames per second. Pretty cool, huh?” Howard explained. “We think this is an exciting opportunity for cool science fiction tropes never before explored in a massive role-playing game. What happened to this galaxy that made it 30 fps? How have the people living on these planets adapted to frame rate? And can the galaxy’s frame rate be increased? Well, spoiler for that last one, because the answer is no. It cannot.”

Upon hearing the news, gamers rushed to the internet to complain about the feature.

“This is so fucking stupid. Starfield set to be another huge disaster for Bethesda — the most overrated video game studio of all time. Nice job, Todd Coward!” said one Twitter user. “If I hadn’t already pre-ordered the deluxe edition of the game, I probably wouldn’t even play it. Another fail for Bethesda!”

“What a terrible way to fix the issue!” said a Facebook user. “They should have said it was because of wokeness. That would have actually been funny, and honestly, kind of true, if you think about it.”

Despite complaints, some fans didn’t mind the announcement.

“30 fps? What? Yeah, I’m not actually gonna play Starfield. I’m going to play my own version of the game that’s modded out the fucking wazoo before I even press the start button. Who gives a shit what the base game is?” said a Redditor. “I’m not playing a Bethesda game that doesn’t have me running from giant Hulk Hogans and Thomas the Tank Engines, and I’m not playing anything under 500 fps — which is how fast your eyes work in real life — so this shit is all moot to me.”

At press time, Howard announced that the galaxy where Starfield takes place may also canonically exist a few months later than people expected, if that’s OK.

Looming Disaster for Reddit: Protesting Users Become Hulking Masses After Two Days Without Ejaculation

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at Reddit are reportedly terrified of their newly muscular users after protests have stopped them from masturbating for two whole days, according to sources from within the company.

“These guys have been jacking off 30 or 40 times a day. Now thousands of porn subreddits have gone dark and they’re all super jacked?!” Reddit CEO Steve Huffman reportedly yelled at a meeting. “I thought this whole semen retention thing was fake! Who knew we had an army of angry users at our door being held back by nothing but terabytes of extremely specific pornography?!”

“We need to figure out something to do,” Huffman then said. “We can fly planes over every city in the United States and drop porn and hentai from them, like the government did in Berlin with food after World War 2. If we can just get these fuckers to jack off once, I think they’ll all deflate. But if we let them stay this powerful, they’ll tear us to fucking shreds. They’ll rip us limb from limb.”

Redditors, however, are reportedly dead set on maintaining the subreddit protest.

“I’m not using that fucking mobile app,” said user u/animegurlzfan94, his muscles bulging out of his nearly-ripped Rei Ayanami shirt. “It’s super hard to navigate and open stuff up and all that shit. Just let me use the mobile site on my phone! Or else I will crush you. I WILL CRUSH YOU!”

“Thank you for the massive muscles, kind stranger,” announced user u/especiallyjeffrey111, flexing. “Does the narwhal bacon at midnight? We shall see, hmmm?”

At press time, several Reddit incels were becoming dismayed after discovering that being really muscular had not changed their chances with hooking up with women in their neighborhoods.

Final Boss Out of Breath After Speedrunner Mashes Through Dialogue

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

THE HOLLOW DIMENSION OF FORGOTTEN SOULS — A final boss was reportedly left gasping and unprepared for battle after a speedrunner mashed through their pre-fight dialogue as quickly as possible, sources have confirmed.

“Well I guess the prick didn’t want to hear what I had to say,” said Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, wiping their brow with a towel in the locker room after the speed runner turned off the video game last night. “That was crazy. I have my whole rant that I do, about the runes and the elders, and sometimes people go through it a little quicker than others, that’s no big deal. But that guy figured out how to make me say it faster than I ever have in my life. What the hell was that? He, like, ducked three times in a row and suddenly I was ranting like an asshole. No way he heard what I said at all.”

Unbeknownst to him, Lord Sellsworthe had fallen victim to a bug that allows players to fast forward through certain cutscenes in the game if the right series of commands are inputted.

“I just don’t know how I’m expected to keep up,” continued Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, after falling in combat just seven seconds into the fight. “I’m all disoriented and this fucker knows magic! He sunk through the ground and suddenly teleported behind me and was stabbing me in the ass. How was any of that a fair fight?”

As of press time, Sellsworthe, the Pain God had to rush back to work after someone else booted up the video game somewhere.

Delusional Paratroopa Forms Parasocial Relationship With Bowser

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Kevin Flynn

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A local paratroopa that works the steps outside the castle at the end of level 3-2 has reportedly developed a concerning parasocial relationship with Bowser, coworkers have reported.

“Laugh about the word play all you want,” said Andre, a goomba that’s worked with the paratroopa at 3-2 for over 30 years. “But it’s unhealthy how much he talks about Bowser, and what Bowser said yesterday, or what Bowser probably thinks about some new movie that’s coming out. I’m like, ‘Bro, Bowser would chuck your carcass at Mario in a heartbeat if he thought it would help him get ahead in traffic.’ Not sure how he doesn’t see that.”

According to experts, parasocial relationships are at an all-time high.

“You see it all the time,” said Michelle Thorpe, a sociologist that focuses on parasocial relationships. “Whether it be politicians, billionaires, or giant fire breathing dragon men that are constantly harassing the innocent women of the Mushroom Kingdom, people convince themselves that these are people not only worth looking up to, but that they are practically friends, and the fact that they haven’t met yet is merely a technicality. It’s pretty sad. Just because you watched Bowser’s new show on Twitter doesn’t mean he gives a fuck about you, ya know?”

Still however, the paratroopa insists his relationship with Bowser is healthy.

“I’m very realistic about my relationship with Bowser,” said the paratroopa, defending himself against the claims of an unhealthy fixation. “Everyone has hobbies, and mine just happen to include reading about Bowser, talking about Bowser, buying anything Bowser makes, and interaction with everything he does on social media. It’s not that different from liking a sports team or something. It’s just that I like Bowser. I really think we’d be friends if he ever reads one of my replies.”

As of press time, the paratroopa had sent his last 50 coins to Bowser after reading his latest chain email.

Ninja Turtles in Gentrified New York City Spend $5,400 to Rent Sewer

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Alexander Blechman

NEW YORK — A new report has revealed that the iconic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are currently paying $5400 a month to rent their Gowanus sewer.

“Wow man, gentrification’s been a real motherfucker,” said Moses Long, a local resident of the neighborhood. “I remember when you used to be able to crack open a manhole and live down in the sewers for free. That’s all gone though, ever since around 2014. Sucks that gentrification is hitting the turtles so hard. I don’t know what to say, though. It’s hitting all of us. At least I bet their sewer is included in their rent.”

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles themselves confirmed the amount they were currently paying in comments to the media earlier today.

“It’s totally bogus,” said Michelangelo, during a recent interview with Channel Six news. “We’ve always worked odd jobs here and there to be able to afford pizza and stuff, but like, ever since the rent starting getting so high, we’ve all had to work overtime most weeks. We can barely go out and bust up the Foot Clan anymore. My legs are sore all the time and we had to find an extra roommate on Craigslist, dude!”

Professional associates of the Turtles also confirmed their dire financial situation.

“Yeah, it’s getting rough for them down there,” said Casey Jones, longtime colleague of the Ninja Turtles. “When I met them they were squatting and just getting pizzas delivered all the time, it was great. Now every time I hit Raph up to go clean up the streets he’s busy walking dogs or some other odd job bullshit. I can tell they want to come stay with me, but I had to move back in with my Dad, so that’s not really an option.”

As of press time, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were reportedly thinking of moving to a sewer out in Jersey and commuting into the city to fight Shredder.

Overwatch 2 Lifeweaver Unlock Guide: How to Get After Season 4

Posted on June 13, 2023November 19, 2025 by Parker Johnson

In its fourth season, a new support hero was introduced to Overwatch 2: Lifeweaver, with the ability to unlock him now available for all players. In season 4, Lifeweaver had to be unlocked by grinding the battle pass to level 45, or by purchasing him with Overwatch Coins. Now, though, there’s a much easier way. Here’s how to unlock a new support hero to Overwatch 2, Lifeweaver.

Overwatch 2 – How to Unlock Lifeweaver (Hero Challenges)

The easiest way to unlock Lifeweaver is by completing his Hero Challenges. As with other characters like Ramattra, Lifeweaver has a set of challenges to complete to add him to your playable roster. Here are all of the hero challenges you’ll need to complete:

Win 35 games queued as All Roles or playing Support heroes in Quick Play, Competitive Play, or No Limits
Eliminate 2 bots with Thorn Volley in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Restore 75 health with Healing Blossom in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Use Life Grip on a bot in the Practice Range
Have you or a bot stand on Petal Platform to lift it up in the Practice Range
Restore 25 health to yourself with Rejuvinating Dash in the Practice Range as Lifeweaver
Restore 50 health & block 50 damage with Tree of Life in the Practice Range

This new supporter is also available for purchase on the in-game shop. You can purchase the hero himself, or get a Starter Pack for 1900 coins that includes the hero as well as a new skin and other cosmetics. If you don’t want to dish out cash or grind for Overwatch Coins, though, you’re best sticking to the Hero Challenges. Other than requiring 35 wins, the challenges are incredibly easy & quick to complete.

That’s all you need to know to unlock Lifeweaver in Overwatch 2! While you’re here, check out our guide to unlock Kiriko, Junker Queen, & Sojourn and fill out the rest of your roster of heroes.

Persona 3 Reload Has Me Using An Evoker

Posted on June 13, 2023 by Ryan Fleishman

I love Persona. I put in 100 hours to beat Persona 5 the week it came out on, living on a diet of Domino’s 2 for $12 deals until my parents tried to put me in the psych ward. I wish they did, so I could explain to my court-ordered psychiatrist how Tartarus is a reflection of our collective consciousness in a Jungian sense.

So when I saw Persona 3 was getting a remake, I was pumped. Finally, I can pretend I have friends again. My warm feelings disappeared, however, when Producer Ryota Niitsuma clarified that Persona 3 Reload will not have any content from FES or Persona 3 Portable.

What even is the point of this remake, then? The original graphics are so stylized that age barely changes the experience. Look at this side by side. You can see the fresh coat of paint, but looks never held back the original Persona 3. Hell, all the drawn artwork like character portraits just look different, not improved. If you played this remake then waited a month, your mental image of what Persona 3 looks like then and now would be identical.

People were clamoring for P3R explicitly to unify the extra content from FES and female MCs from P3P. Fans never complained that the anime characters on the Playstation 2 didn’t look close enough to real life anime characters. Fans complained that they had to choose between playing as a woman or playing the 30 hour epilogue.

It’s ironic that Aegis leads off the Reload trailer when her social link and massive role in the epilogue from FES won’t even be in the game. The entire point of the Persona franchise is taking my waifus out for coffee so we can talk about trauma and surface level pop psychology! Even worse, you won’t be able to social link with the resident dog Koromaru. Koromaru only loves people who bought P3P.

As it stands, we have three competing versions of Persona 3: FES with the extra content and epilogue, P3P with the female MC, and P3R with the updated graphics. If you want to fully experience Persona 3 you need to play a 100 hour game three times, and that’s criminal.

So this reload is pointless. Atlus would be better off remaking Persona 1 or 2, which are great stories hidden by archaic systems that make you feel like you’re deciphering the Akashic Records. No, wait. Persona 2 is a duology with two versions, Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment, and there’s no way Atlus gets that right.

As an Etrian Odyssey fan, I knew the inside scoop that P3 fans would be getting screwed. Atlus just released the remastered Etrian Odyssey collection, which somehow missed the fact that EVERY GAME IN THE COLLECTION has an Untold remake with full story modes on the DS. Atlus charges $40 dollars a pop for each of these incomplete, decade-old DS games. This shows us why they didn’t include the extra content for Etrian Odyssey or Persona: you’ll pay anyways, piggy.

For now, us deluded Persona fans can just pretend that Atlus might make the female MC content available as gay romance.