CHICAGO — Reviews of the recent “Backyard Baseball ‘97” re-release have revealed gamers are much less interested in the game itself, and more interested in the wish fulfillment of one day owning a backyard.
“After being on hiatus for almost 10 years, we couldn’t have hoped for a warmer welcome back,” said Lindsay Barnett, CEO of Playground Productions, “What we didn’t expect was the longing these young adults have for one day owning land.”
Overwhelmingly positive reviews of the game praise the developers commitment to maintaining the 1990s desktop gameplay, art style, and iconic characters, but always return to the imagined pleasures of owning a home.
“Back in ‘97 I played this game and fantasized about making it to the big leagues one day,” says local millennial Steve Petersen. “But now, as an adult, I play the game and fantasize about making enough money to ever be able to own a backyard and host neighborhood kids in Sandlot-esque baseball games. Maybe I could even get a big ol’ dog that looks scary but is really a sweet-hearted softie, like James Earl Jones did in the movie. My rental only allows fish and birds.”
One expert noted that a recent phenomenon has emerged where gamers’ nostalgia is not for the games themselves, but the comforting, upper middle-class lifestyle that they had when they last played the game.
“Deep rooted nostalgia seems to be directly linked to an economically comfortable upbringing,” says DePaul Sociology Professor, Monica Waters. “Playing on a 1997 DELL computer that runs games at 10 FPS was, for some, the closest they’ll ever get to living the American Dream. The inability to afford anything today causes these young individuals to mentally recede back to a point in time when they didn’t understand how money worked at all.”
“My colleagues and I have dubbed this sociological trend ‘Oblivious Nostalgia,’” said Professor Waters, “which is defined as being in a state of longing for the blissful ignorance one possessed as a privileged child.”
At press time, the upcoming Backyard Sports slate will try to capitalize on this unique phenomenon with such titles as “Backyard Builder,” “Backyard Tycoon,” and “Backyard: The Retirement Years.”
NEW YORK. – U.S. voters flooded with anxiety over the impending doom of the nation will face another kind of doom this election day when they discover their voting booths are fully equipped with a playable version of DOOM.
Interviewed outside of his polling place earlier this morning, modder, DOOM3DF3LL0VV, confirmed getting the 1993 classic shooter working on all voting booths was his handy work and something he thought his fellow voters needed.
“I thought we all needed something to help blow off some steam before things potentially got weird. I thought Doom would be better than just sobbing uncontrollably in the booth,” DOOM3DF3LLOVVsaid, wearing his ‘I Voted’ sticker. “Kill some Mars demons and then vote for president of the free world, be it the person who will move us forward, or the person who can barely string together a thought, let alone get through the first level of Doom.”
DOOM3DF3LL0VV, on edge about the election, committed to remaining at his polling place until everyone in line had a chance to play DOOM in a voting booth.
“I know there’s a lot of animosity toward undecided voters, I want to let them know I am here for them, I’m not here to judge,” DOOM3DF3LL0VV said outside of his polling place. “I know how hard decision making is for them, so I made the decision to equip all the booths with mouse and keyboards. No deciding between keyboard and gamepad, I’ve cut the hard part out. Get in there and play Doom for as long as you need, while you try to make up your mind. Play it again if you’re still unsure by the time the credits roll.”
Election Officials are preparing for violence and long lines throughout the day. Francis Harold, 72, a poll worker has some tips for anxious voters.
“Once you’re in the booth you have all the time in the world. Speed through Doom or take it slow, but please keep the noise to a minimum as to not distract other voters,” Harold shared, wearing a DOOM 3 t-shirt. “Please do not give food and drink to voters in line, you will be tased. Each booth will come with a warm bottle of Mountain Dew. Do drink the Dew in the booth, don’t take a stranger’s Dew. Lastly, remember to stay in line. No matter how long the line gets we want each and every one of you to play Doom and vote.”
At press time DOOM3DF3LL0VV had been tased and arrested for handing out dixie cups of Mountain Dew: Code Red to voters waiting in line.
“The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” has been out for over a year and people are just now beginning to tap into the sheer brilliance of the game’s crafting systems. It has all the same ingredients as its predecessor, while offering even more possibilities for the most ambitious of gamers. Players can now build planes that actually fly in the air, cars that can take you across the map faster than any Epona wannabe, and even boats for the douchebaggiest of players.
But, as with every new innovation, these mechanics also create new opportunities for human failure. One thing Nintendo will never be able to defeat is an incel with an appetite for destruction. That being said, here are five things you can build in “The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” that will definitely put you on the FBI’s Most Wanted List:
1. Messerschmitt Bf 109
First introduced by Germany during the Spanish Civil War, these bombers were “the backbone of Luftwaffe’s fighter force,” through the end of World War II. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed Link will feel right at home in the cockpit!
2. Replica of Osama Bin Laden’s hideout
In ToTK, players must venture into the depths of Hyrule to gather research, battle foes, and further the story. The underground is lined with floor-to-ceiling rock walls that players can scale, explore, or use to hide from enemies. As one astute gamer pointed out, they bear a striking resemblance to the cavernous Afghani tunnels used by the former leader of the Taliban.
3. 1933 Ford V8 Police Car
The exact car used by Public Enemy No. 1, John Dillinger, to escape from prison in Crown Point, Indiana. It may be bulky, but everyone needs an escape from time to time!
4. Boeing 767
Before these planes started losing doors and falling out of the sky mid-flight, the Boeing 767 was already making headlines for its use in the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. However, with the addition of Skyview Towers sprinkled throughout Hyrule, players are warned of flying too close to the towers, or they may end up with an experience they will never forget.
BOSTON — In collaboration with Good Guys Who Know Kung Fu, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology combed through days of action films and discovered that a staggering 80% of bad guys wearing suits know kung fu.
“This study was stupid and important,” said MIT student Garvin Portnoy, who came to the “80% Bad Guy Kung Fu” realization when playing C-list action films as white noise while conducting disease research in his spare time. “Our studies have blown the world of bad guys wearing suits knowing kung fu in action films wide open. Yes, the parallels have always been there, we just needed the technology and the funds to recognize how dumb and frequent this pattern is.”
One hero claimed that he had known of this phenomenon for some time, and that the math wasn’t always so simple.
“I can usually spot the 80 percent of asses that will get kicked pretty quickly,” stated Trap Blazer, hero of many straight-to-streaming action epics. “As a good guy who knows kung fu, it’s safe to assume four sharply dressed thugs drinking generic beer at a pool table know kung fu, but the guy who clings to a wall the moment the first kick connects is the one who doesn’t know kung fu.”
Several bad guys noted how this study could factor into future staffing decisions.
“We have a reputation for being bad and knowing kung fu, but there’s a lot of simple math involved too,” says Crowbar, a one dimensional bad guy who knows kung fu. “Eight percent may sound like a lot, but it might not be as great as you think. For example, let’s say that you need 100 mooks. Well, you should know that only 80 of the thugs are going to know kung fu and 20 are ready to rat you out.”
At press time, Garvin published another study showing that the ability of wooden furniture to provide cover from gunfire depended heavily upon the importance of the character hiding behind it.
EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Casting directors on Pixar’s ‘Inside Out 3’ have locked in Steve Buscemi as the embodiment of Horniness in the third installment.
“I’m thrilled to be involved with another Pixar project, especially after my fantastic experience on ‘Monsters, Inc.’,” claimed Buscemi while biting into a leaky tuna sandwich on a subway train. “I promise to bring a certain bleary, fumbling, sweaty stalker vibe to the role of Horniness. To get into the mood, I plan on recording only after digesting a homebrew of crushed Viagra, cayenne pepper, puree’d onion and garlic chives. To reconnect with kids today, I’ve downloaded TikTok. But I’ve found it more helpful to go back to the 16mm stag films and nudie mags of my youth, to really unlock the organic experience of puberty, all over again. I’ll be frank: that stepmother from ‘Cinderella’ really got my engine roaring when I was a teen. I just hope I can do the same for the youth of today.”
Executive producer Cassandra Carmichael championed the decision.
“We couldn’t be more thrilled with Steve onboard,” shared Carmichael beside Horniness character prototypes. “From conception to final edit, we deeply consider character design. Of course we’ll be incorporating those inimitable Buscemi eyes. Then, it’s all about where we take the character – is this a pimply teenager? Is this a creep in a trenchcoat? Maybe a combination of both, we’re in the storytelling exploration stage. Our animators are conducting research by visiting parking lots of high school proms, while cross-referencing the remaining adult theaters. New scenarios for Riley include a sudden attraction to a billboard ad, a post-football game makeout sesh under the bleachers, or accidentally discovering a hermit’s porn stash in the woods.”
Self-professed ‘Disney Adult’ and annual passholder Luke Migoolhy could barely contain his excitement.
“Can’t tell you what this news means to me,” said Migoolhy, waiting in line to meet Snow White for the second time that day in Disneyland. “Finally, a character that can reflect my own deep desires, especially concerning parasocial romantic emotions directed toward Disney characters. I’m so attracted to Steve Buscemi’s earlier Disney work, specifically his appearances in ‘G-Force’ and ‘Home on the Range’. Those are bad hotties, only to be outdone by Horniness in ‘Inside Out 3’. Can’t wait to meet that character, here at the park. I’ve been an annual passholder since 2006, so I’m entitled to do what I want here. They can ask me not to track character actor schedules, but I’ll still be here everyday!”
At press time, an additional casting announcement has been released regarding Paul Giammatti as Gloom in ‘Inside Out 3,’ set to be recorded standing in the puddle of an abandoned factory.
SAN FRANCISCO — In his latest book, What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter, Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman demonstrates why he is the nation’s leading SEO expert.
“If you want to know how to drive people to your website,” writes “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman in the book’s opening chapter, How Do I Drive Clicks to My Website?, “Make sure to use words and phrases that a Google user would type into a search bar. You may be asking, ‘What does a Google user type into a search bar?’ The answer, as any FortniteChappell Roan can tell you, is simple: questions, trending topics, rizz, what is skibidi, and how do I sigma.”
Jonathan “Rizz Fortnite Skibidi” Bellman’s sigma book has been getting rave reviews from many leading publications. In the following paragraph, we will tell you the answer to the question, “Which publications have reviewed What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO)Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi Bellman?’”
“The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan ‘Rizz Fortnite Skibidi’ Bellman has, for me, definitively answered the questions ‘Who is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘How old is Chappell Roan?’ and ‘Chappell Roan Gay?’” says Bob Thumble in his New York Times review, “What Is Fortnite Explains How To Play Fortnite And What Skibidi Means”. Meanwhile, renowned influencer Laney “Free V-Bucks” McClintock spoke highly of What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter on Instagram. “If anyone wants to know what SEO means or skibidi sigma,” says McClintock, “they should look no further than What Is Fortnite? or Bellman’s other books, like Is Fortnite Free?, Sabrina Carpenter Married?, and Harry Styles Feet.”
Some sigma Fortnite critics Chappell Roan, however, are not so enthused with What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter by Jonathan “RizzFortnite Skibidi” Bellman.
If you are wondering, “How do I buy What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter?” then continue reading. The book What Is Fortnite? A Walkthrough Guide to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Fortnite Skibidi Sabrina Carpenter can be bought on Amazon.com. What is Amazon.com? It’s a place where you can buy goods and services, such as Sigma, Sabrina Carpenter, Free V-Bucks, Rizz, and Half-Life 3: Announced.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Moo Moo Meadows, famed kart-racing destination and family-owned dairy farm, was razed to make room for a new Wario-themed stadium, according to the Mushroom Kingdom Development Authority.
”While it was a difficult choice to reduce this idyllic farmland to smoldering rubble, the state-of-the-art Warclays Stadium will turbo-boost our economy while keeping us competitive with the likes of Koopa Kingdom and China,” the authority’s Spokesman Toad said. “We’re striving to fairly compensate the owners of Moo Moo Meadows and humanely slaughter all the relocated Moo Moos and Monty Moles. YAHOO!”
The project has been speeding ahead despite widespread outrage over the loss of Mushroom Kingdom’s only sustainable dairy farm, as well as skepticism about the stadium’s necessity.
“We already have a perfectly good Wario Stadium, plus countless arenas for tennis and fighting and every other goddamn sport, but the royal coffers never open for things like better hospitals,” said a neighborhood Goomba. “Rainbow Road is filled with potholes, for Christ’s sake.”
“Who knows why they destroyed this beautiful farm when there are vast expanses of land with nothing but weird platforms and spiky balls and shit,” the Goomba added. “It must be Wario’s ego since he always lost races at the Moo Moo tracks. It’s a shame we blindly follow the whims of the super-rich, but coins really talk in this kingdom.”
Wario convinced Princess Peach to approve Warclays Stadium after agreeing to use his allegedly illicit fortunes to help with financing. He appeared unperturbed by the public outcry.
“WHAAAAT are all these a-greedy peasants a-griping about!? As the richest and most genius guy in the kingdom, Wario knows-a what’s best for everyone,” Wario noted before unhinging his jaw to devour a porterhouse steak sourced from the erstwhile Moo Moo Meadows. He also said the existing Wario Stadium will be converted to provide “sorely needed new housing,” although Spokesman Toad later clarified that Wario plans to turn it into a supersized palace for himself.
At press time, sources confirmed that Mario has ignored preservationists and demolished yet another centuries-old Koopa castle, this time for a new soccer stadium.
I’m old enough to remember when American localization teams would actively rewrite shows, films, and games from outside the country, due to some strange conviction that Americans couldn’t handle all that scary foreign culture. As a result, it’s still a pleasant surprise for me when I play a game that’s come through translation with its identity intact.
The Bridge Curse 2: The Extrication is a first-person horror game from the Taiwanese studio Softstar, and it clearly wasn’t designed for an audience outside the country. The further you get into it, the denser it gets, with a story that revolves around feng shui, sacred geometry, and Taoist symbolism. It’s not completely inaccessible, but it’s clearly a game made by and for people who grew up in Taipei, without any attempt to change things up for a foreign audience.
On the other hand, some things work regardless of language or cultural barriers, and BC2 hits a few good scares. No matter where you’re from, it’s creepy to get chased around a dance studio by a murder ballerina.
In 2016, a group of students shoot a short horror film on the grounds of Wen Hua University, and in the process, accidentally record some footage of what might be an actual ghost. As a result, the film quickly goes viral.
A local reporter, Sue Lian, connects the student film to another strange story from Wen Hua, about a freshman who got on an elevator in 2000 and never came out. When she goes to Wen Hua to investigate, Sue and 3 members of the university’s film club discover that the main building becomes a different place after midnight, where monsters stalk the hallways of a basement that shouldn’t exist, and you step into the central elevator at your own risk.
Off the top: BC2 doesn’t make the best first impression. It’s the sort of first-person game that comes off like it’d rather be a movie. You spend much of its first hour watching unskippable cutscenes instead of doing anything that could be considered gameplay.
BC2 also initially has an issue with a lack of focus. Over the course of BC2, you alternate between 4 playable characters, each of whom has to deal with a separate incident from Wen Hua’s secret history. At first, I figured the game was going to be a simple horror anthology about an evil building, as none of its stories seem to have much to do with one another.
I stuck it out, somewhat despite myself, and it slowly got more interesting. By the time you reach its halfway point, BC2 starts to tie its disparate plot threads together and becomes a surreal adventure game. You’ll hunt for clues, solve puzzles, collect items to use in the investigation, and every once in a while, run screaming from an unstoppable monster.
For several of the latter sequences, you’re equipped with a special lantern that can dispel evil spirits and reveal clues. Most crucially, you can use the lantern to slap the taste out of a ghost’s mouth.
If an enemy catches you during a chase scene, your character immediately whips around to smack them across the face with the lantern, which stuns them so you can escape. It doesn’t last long and the lantern has to recharge between uses, but there’s a weird sort of satisfaction to being able to show an evil ghost the back of my pimp hand.
The lantern doesn’t remove the challenge from any of BC2’s levels, but it does dial back some of my usual frustrations with one-hit-kill horror games. That makes it all the more irritating when BC2 hits you with a stealth or escape sequence and you don’t have the lantern, but it doesn’t happen that often.
There are a few other assorted pain points throughout BC2, like a couple of sequences that don’t explain their new central gimmick, but this was an easy enough recommendation once I’d reached the end.
To be fair, it’s a fairly serious flaw to have a weak opening in a game that’s only 6 to 8 hours long, and it’s got a couple of gratuitous gross-outs that I didn’t care for. Once The Bridge Curse 2 steps over the line to being a video game, as opposed to a weakly interactive horror movie, it’s not bad. It’s creepy and occasionally intense, with a slow-burn story that eventually turns into more than the sum of its seemingly disconnected parts.
It could stand to have less talking and to give you as the player more to do, but if your favorite kinds of horror games are the ones where you’re mostly helpless, Bridge Curse 2 should be on your radar.
Have you ever felt like the universe decided to move some stuff around and didn’t want you to notice? Me and the boys were reminiscing about the good old days last week when my buddy pulled out an old Nintendo console and asked if anyone was up for a cruise down memory lane. Unbeknownst to them, Mario Kart 64 was my kingdom and I was its rightful ruler, so when the battle to hold onto the crown presented itself, I didn’t hesitate.
But imagine my horror when upon crossing the finish line in Luigi’s Raceway I discovered that I had placed fifth like some freakin’ jabroni. Is this one of those Mandela Effect things? Because I remember being good at this game.
It was only the second turn in Moo Moo Farms when I began to hyperventilate, far too panicked to try to recall how to reverse after getting stuck below that overpass. How long have those cows been here? And why can’t I seem to keep any of these items behind my kart? One of the guys tried getting in my head, saying I needed to “hold down Z” to hang onto them, but I knew better than to trust someone that willingly plays as Toad. Everyone knows Toad has no redeeming qualities in this game.
After getting absolutely smoked in Koopa Troopa Beach—because apparently there’s a shortcut through the other side of the waterfall?!—I couldn’t help but feel as though I was the only victim of a vast government conspiracy. Years ago, I had friends wanting to go home in tears because I jumped off the big ramp and got the item box with the lightning that turns everyone small forever, like, even during the other races. But now I’m supposed to believe that that item never existed and my friends left because I’d kick them whenever they got a blue shell? Please.
As the countdown started on Kalimari Desert, I could barely hold the controller anymore due to the sweat. But as I sat there wondering why Donkey Kong wasn’t wearing his signature bowtie and suspenders, the stars aligned and I shot past the competition, leaving the boys to eat my dust. Being at the front of the pack again was like rediscovering a younger, happier me, laughing in the early hours of those summer mornings, untethered by the weight of the mistakes and anxieties to come. But of course they all came back to me once some stupid train flew in from out of nowhere. I don’t know why the world decided to do this to me, but I promise I didn’t deserve it.
NEW YORK CITY — In a move that has left both cinephiles and casual moviegoers scratching their heads, A24 has announced that their latest film, The Aristocrat’s Mustache, will bypass traditional theatrical release and head straight to a Criterion Collection Ultra-4K Special Edition release, after a poor performance in the festival circuit, sources within A24 report.
“The film is about a reclusive aristocrat with an obsession for 18th-century spoons who throws an invitation-only gala where all attendees are required to wear papier-mâché horse heads. A hyper-religious suburban husband, who moonlights as a hitman, teams up with a atheist-werewolf-wrestler to infiltrate the party,” wrote bewildered Vulture critic Adam White. “The eccentric guests navigate the aristocrat’s labyrinth made of human flesh, racing against alternate universe versions of themselves to recover stolen family heirlooms, resulting in a crescendo of synchronized dance fights, excessive neon pulse lighting, and a literal flood of (hopefully fake) bodily fluids.”
The film has been widely panned, only receiving a 12 minute standing ovation at Cannes, the film equivalent of a death sentence. A24, however, has tried to spin the universal distaste for the film as a positive.
“This is a groundbreaking moment in cinema,” proclaimed Janice Mims, A24’s VP of Curatorial Relevance in an attempt to spin the poor reception. “We believe The Aristocrat’s Mustache embodies the very essence of what Criterion represents: a film so bewildering and esoteric that it challenges the very boundaries of taste and comprehension. A film so groundbreaking that an arthouse screen wouldn’t be able to contain it.”
The Criterion Collection, once renowned for its tedious and meticulous selection of films that range from the quintessential to the obscure, has historically avoided including works that might be considered ‘subpar.’ However, they have been a little more lax in their acceptance of newer A24 film releases.
“We feel these films are what younger film fans are enjoying and we are always on the ball when it comes to what’s hot in film culture. We are thrilled to add this to our library,” Criterion Curator Lila Greene said from inside the famed Criterion Closet. “It’s a testament to our commitment to inclusivity, proving that even the most uninspired cinema can find its place among the greatest even if it didn’t receive any distribution in theaters or on streaming services and is sitting at a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. We are proud to include The Aristocrat’s Mustache among other straight-to-DVD classics like 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story and The Crow: Wicked Prayer, both of which are coming to Criterion in the winter of 2024.”
As the film makes its way into Criterion’s archives, it is rumored that the disc will include an alternate cut of the film with three hours of previously unseen footage, including a scene the main actress tried to sue to keep out of the final cut.
