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Total Bummer: Mysterious VHS Tape Found In Forest Just Porn

RICHMOND, Va. — Local paranormal enthusiast Walker Burroughs’ latest trip through the woods reportedly ended with disappointment after he realized that the unmarked tape he discovered contained only pornography.

“I was really hopeful for this one after I found it discarded deep in the forest,” said Burroughs, who regularly stalks his nearby woods for evidence of the paranormal. “It didn’t have any labels or anything! It even had a weird spooky kind of ooze coating it, which I actually don’t want to think about now. I’ve always wanted to stumble upon some kind of cursed tape or lost footage detailing the last moments of a group of friends facing some unnatural entity. Instead, I just ended up watching all two hours of Clit Combatant 8. No ghosts ever showed up in the video, sadly. And believe me, I scanned each frame of that sweaty sensual activity to try and find something actually good.”

Burrough’s antics have been noticed by several of the crew that work around the park and trail.

“It ain’t the first time he’s been perusing the forest trying to find proof of some kinda ghoul or other creature,” said Park Ranger Brick Wilbur, who seemed visibly uncomfortable to even be discussing this at all. “Just last week I caught him digging all around. Most he ever found were a couple of teeth and a raccoon skull that he swore was an alien’s. I don’t know what else he expects. He barely even enters the woods, he mainly just sticks to that trail where people trade porn videos with one another.”

Burroughs says the disappointment that he’s faced has steadily decreased as he has examined his findings more closely.

“You know what? This video is actually pretty interesting,” Burroughs said while frantically rewinding it. “Maybe there is something here, I just need to watch it one more time.” Burroughs then claimed he needed alone time and hastily ended the interview.