Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Man Who Paints Little Figurines on YouTube Unsure Why He Has So Many Nazi Followers

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

DEER ISLE, Maine — A local retiree who has been uploading videos of him painting little hobby store figurines has grown overly alarmed at the number of white supremacists that follow his YouTube page, sources have confirmed.

“This is the weirdest platform, I swear to god,” said Gene Baldwin, who was recently given video editing software as a gift from his grandson . “I started putzing around, painting my little figurines and posting the videos online. It wasn’t even really meant to gain an audience, more just something fun to do. But you can imagine my surprise when I started gaining followers one day! And you can also imagine my surprise when a majority of them had swastikas and antisemitic cartoons as profile pictures!”

Baldwin’s following has grown so considerably that he has begun making a modest income from advertisements airing on his page.

“That guy owes us everything,” said Melvin Kruger, a YouTube user that operates a neo-Nazi themed YouTube channel and regularly shouts Baldwin’s videos out, seemingly because they unironically enjoy them. “People think it’s weird that we’d end up on a figurine channel after watching Nazi shit for two hours, but what they don’t realize is the YouTube algorithim is a two way street. Well, really, it’s more like a subway with just two stops; mundane hobbies and all out pleas for racial genocide. We’re all so lucky to have this platform in our lives.”

Representatives from YouTube defended the famously controversial algorithm that determines the next videos to appear during a user’s time on the website.

“No one ever said this was an exact science,” said Wayne Kidd, a YouTube executive. “We do our best to select videos that share tags with the things you’re currently watching, yet we are also mindful of the fact that there are just some things we are pretty sure everybody wants to see, no matter what. Stuff like cute cats, reruns of Kitchen Nightmares, and two hour diatribes about why ridding America of non-white foreigners is the only way to ensure we all go to Heaven. Just standard stuff everyone can agree on.”

As of press time, Baldwin was wondering if he’d have less Nazi followers if he made gardening videos or something.

Cat Decides 4 a.m. Good Time to Grind Out ‘Cat Tree to Kitchen Counter’ Any% Speedrun

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Connor McGarry

NEW YORK — Local cat and speedrunning phenom Razputin has reportedly been grinding out apartment speedruns each morning at 4 a.m. for the last six months.

“It’s a tricky category to begin with, but you can absolutely forget running it during the day due to the insane human RNG,” Razputin explained through a series of meows, facerubs, and glances. “Dozens of runs lost to getting plucked off the stove right before the counter. Or worse, getting picked up, kissed on the head repeatedly, and called ‘a widdle chaos baby-waby spwinting awound the apartment for no weason.’ Running it at the wee hours of the morning, you avoid all that nonsense, and just focus on the run. That’s how I’ve been able to pull off new strategies like Couch Skip.”

Razputin’s schedule has been the streamer’s biggest draw to many on Twitch, however. “greetings from down under thanks for streaming when us aussies can watch!!!!” Twitch chat member GdayM86 exclaimed last night alongside a series of CoolCat emotes. Others are just in it for Razputin herself though, such as BeanLoverXL, who was banned for repeatedly asking Razputin to “show us ur paws.”

“I’m grateful for the support, even if it means getting creepy comments from kitty chasers,” Razputin said. “I didn’t expect to get so popular running this category. I ran Bathroom Hairball% for months and never got many followers, so the outpouring of love is so humbling to see. I’ve even been able to do some non-speedrunning streams, like String on Stick Saturday. Not to mention my Instagram is popping off.”

But not everyone is a fan of Razputin and her speedrunning progress. After being awoken by the aftermath of Razputin’s latest failed attempt to land the infamously difficult Coffee Machine Clip, owner Isabella announced that she would “put that bastard in a box and mail her straight to GDQ.”

‘Among Us’ Devs Hit Back With Third Person Shooter Battle Royale Mode

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

REDMOND, Wash. — Retaliating against Epic Games for its new Fortnite Impostor Mode, Innersloth hurriedly announced a new third person shooter battle royale mode for Among Us.

“You made an ‘Impostor’ mode? Well, fuck it! Introducing Fort Night, our new third person shooter battle royale Among Us mode with building mechanics,” said Innersloth programmer Forest Willard. “Hop into Among Us with 98 of your friends or into a public lobby to play our awesome new totally original mode that we came up with all on our own. Because two can play at that game, Epic. Actually scratch that — 99 can play at that game. They can play it right fucking now on their phones in Among Us.”

Despite criticism, developers at Epic are reportedly confused that people are calling their new mode a rip-off.

“I don’t get it. Rip-off? We’re just doing, you know, the video game thing. Where you look at what’s popular and then recreate that exactly in your own game,” said Fortnite Design Director Eric Williamson. “Is that not… are people mad at us about doing PUBG but colorful? They know he stole that from a different DayZ mod, right? I thought Among Us was just Mafia in space. Hold on, are we supposed to be coming up with our own game modes? Because if so…. Fuck!”

Fans were quick to praise the new game mode by InnerSloth, but few have actually played it.

“I love Among Us for giving a huge fuck you to Fortnite, but I’m not gonna actually update the file in Steam or whatever,” said gamer Harvie Wagner. “It’s really cool and all, but there’s enough battle royale games out there right now that I’m not really dying to get into another one. I actually have only played Among Us once and I didn’t even like it that much because I only have two friends. I just think it’s funny to say ‘sus’ and ‘moogus’ online because it’s, like, ironic or whatever.”

At press time, Epic Games announced a new developer-only pickax skin for Fortnite, in which the end of the stick is just a photo of the $100 million it the company makes each day.

Among Us background art via SnakeCards676.

Mattress Store Offers Discount on Your Next Podcast Subscription

Posted on August 19, 2021 by Eric Bailey

TINLEY PARK, Ill. — In an effort to drive more business from consumers who listen to lots of mattress advertisements already, the bedding retail chain Mattress Depot has announced an exclusive offer of three months of a paid podcast subscription with the qualifying purchase of any mattress.

“The numbers don’t lie, podcasts and mattresses are the perfect team-up,” said Manager Scott ‘Mattress Daddy’ Frowley as he filled out his credit card info on Patreon to finish setting up a new podcast subscription for a customer. “Think about it: you lay the side of your head on a pillow, and that’s where headphones go, too. Our customers use our products to help them sleep, just like some of those relaxing ASMR podcasts. Also, picking a new podcast and a new mattress can both be comforting at first but then eventually get old, stiff, and uncomfortable. I could go on and on!”

Customers of Mattress Depot have had mixed reactions to news of the promotion.

“What? Oh, the discount code thing, yeah,” said Matt Grables, taking out his airpods and pausing one of the many podcasts he listens to throughout the day. “I didn’t really pay attention to that. I just like to walk through the store at 1.5x speed and quickly browse around while I’m doing something else.”

“Oh my gosh yes, I’m so happy my favorite mattress store is getting legit sponsors!” said Jillian Frezza, sporting an official Mattress Depot hoodie purchased from the Mattress Depot merch store. “Honestly I’ll probably just cancel the podcast subscription once the three months are up. What’s important is supporting those good mattress boys down at MD.”

At press time, Mattress Depot also announced a new “Friend of the Depot” subscription service offering a free anime waifu body pillow to those pledging a $30-per-month donation.

Every SNES Game You Don’t Own Now Worth Over $100

Posted on August 19, 2021 by Naomi Krause

PEORIA, Ill. — Game industry analysts tracking the resale price of classic video games have noticed the remarkable coincidence that every single Super Nintendo cartridge that you don’t own is now worth over $100.

“What we’ve identified from multiple corroborating data sources is that, although you have way too many cartridges around your house, they’re all absolutely worthless,” said Wedbush Securities games analyst Michael Pachter, explaining the recent price increase of your specific Super Nintendo collection in a whitepaper released today. “Statistically, there should be at least one gem in there that would fetch a Chrono Trigger price on eBay, but it’s just a bunch of old licensed titles and sports games.”

Pachter also noted that, although potential lifetime returns from your SNES cartridge portfolio have been irreparably damaged by your mom selling a box full of decent Squaresoft titles your freshman year of college, it should still be possible to mitigate future depreciation of the remaining assets by moving them out of the moldy, damp corner of your basement.

“Look, SNES games are a volatile market,” continued Pachter. “Who could’ve known that Ghoul Patrol would be going for $225 today? Everything else that was sold at your 1998 summer garage sale has stayed at constant value or become worthless. But hey, nobody can time the market, right?

At press time, Pachter noted that it remains to be seen whether or not your copy of Street Fighter II will drop further in value below $12, but it’s safe to say the NHL ‘93-’98 collection is a portfolio worth sitting on.

Gamer Waits for Switch to Go to Sleep-Mode Before Sneaking Off to Cheat With PS5

Posted on August 19, 2021 by Jolie Darrow

MADISON, Wis. — A guilt-ridden gamer has reportedly made a habit of waiting for his Switch to go into sleep mode before sneaking into the living room to play his PlayStation 5, immediate family members have confirmed.

“People say the Switch would understand, but I don’t know,” said Arnold Harwood, who first spent the night with a PlayStation 5 while on a work trip with friends and ordered one of his own shortly thereafter. “I’m not sure the best way to tell it that even though I appreciate the four years we’ve spent together, I’m starting to wonder about how certain games would look in full HD, and what it’d be like to play them with full controls and my characters not always pulling to the fucking left. Whatever man, I’m a gamer. Gamers have needs.”

Family members report that the sneaking around and lying are taking its toll on Harwood and his relationships.

“Arnold is practically a ghost in this house lately,” said Cassie Harwood, Arnold’s wife. “He’ll play some Pokémon or Tetris 99 on his Switch before wishing it goodnight and kissing it, and then he changes clothes and disappears downstairs until the middle of the night. Then he sneaks into bed smelling of bong resin and sweat. I found a note in his pocket that said ‘Deathloop – 9/14.’ What does that mean? Is my husband planning on having me killed?”

Experts have said that feelings of guilt surrounding the perceived abandonment of a gaming system is a growing phenomenon.

“It’s not that players no longer love their Switches,” said electronics and relationship expert Lacey Montoya. “It’s just that there are some very impressive, very sexy systems coming out, that frankly the ol’ Nintendo back at home can’t keep up with. Gamers are very grateful for the domestic bliss they shared with their Switches, but they’re human, they crave some hot, sweaty, 4K resolution with improved ray tracing capabilities. That does not make them an animal, no matter what Nintendo would have you think.”

As of press time, Harwood reportedly had no idea that his wife has been letting the neighbor come play the Switch while he’s at work.

Disney Unveils First Look at Upcoming ‘Untitled Star Wars Profit’

Posted on August 19, 2021 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Disney executives have given the first sneak peek at a soon to be profitable entry into the Star Wars franchise, the significant details of which will be hashed out later.

“Oh, we know enough,” said Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm, addressing questions at a press conference where she debuted the tentatively titled Untitled Star Wars Profit to shareholders and fans. “For example, we know that it is going to be set in the Star Wars universe, and that I am going to be able to get the yacht I was looking at. The 70 footer. Really exciting stuff. Oh, and here’s one for the fans. I can confirm that we will see a friendly face or two in the upcoming series, or movie, or actually it still might be a video game. Whatever it is though, I think you’ll be pleased with who shows up.”

The promise of returning characters sent the crowd into a rapturous applause, despite it being the closest thing to a concrete piece of information about the new property that was revealed.

“They definitely are teasing this out, I love it,’ said Troy Singletary, an avid Star Wars fan. “Sure, I would’ve loved a trailer or something, but that footage of Kathleen looking at boats was pretty cool. Plus at the end it said ‘Coming to this galaxy soon,’ in the Star Wars letters! I can’t wait until this thing comes out. I mean, even if I hate it, I’ll still be strangely into it. What am I going to do, not line up for every last drop they squeeze out of this shit? Get real.”

A writer on the new project spoke to the press following the announcement, although no insights as to the format or plotline were given.

“It’s such a dream come true to work on something in the Star Wars universe,” said the scribe, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal. “But this … this isn’t like I thought it’d be at all. I offered to turn in some concepts and outlines, and they instead just gave me a little pocket notebook and said to write down things I remember from other Star Wars stuff throughout the day. Last week I turned in a piece of paper that literally said ‘Yoda, Death Star, I’ve got a bad feeling about this,’ and they said I was killing it. Working for Disney rules, man.”

As of press time, Disney dropped a surprise teaser for another new property, this one titled Pixar and The Simpsons Present: Marvel Star Wars.

Game Freak Confirms New Pokémon Game Will Have ‘Slower Text Than Ever Before’

Posted on August 18, 2021 by Andy Holt

TOKYO — After releasing an official trailer for Pokémon Legends: Arceus, Game Freak confirmed the new installment will have the slowest-moving text ever seen from the series.

“Pokémon Legends: Arceus has everything our fanbase has been asking for all these years: a gorgeous open world, deep roleplaying, action-packed battles, and the absolute slowest text imaginable,” said Satoshi Tajiri, president of Game Freak. “I can say this with confidence: you have never seen reading take this long.”

Game Freak was able to achieve such slowness by leveraging the full power of the Nintendo Switch, using what they learned while developing Pokémon Sword and Shield.

“We made our earliest games for 8-bit systems. We did our best to keep things moving at a snail’s pace, but there was a practical limit to just how slow we could go. The big move to the Switch has allowed us to really slam on the brakes like never before,” said longtime Pokémon developer Shigeki Morimoto. “To describe the text in Pokémon Legends: Arceus as ‘slow’ would be a disservice. There will be times you wonder if it’s moving at all.”

Many fans were overjoyed at the news, but expressed frustration at the lack of details.

“Like any real Pokémon fan, I like my battles long, and I like them repetitive, so slower text sounds like good news. However, I’m withholding any praise for Game Freak until I find out how much the ‘A’ button speeds it up,” wrote redditor u/JamesGPokemaniac. “If the answer isn’t ‘only a tiny bit,’ I’m going to return the game in protest.”

When asked whether third-party modders might be able to speed up the text themselves, Game Freak and Nintendo immediately filed a lawsuit.

Lockheed Martin Assures Pentagon “Robot Boy” Project Will Meet 20XX Deadline

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Kyle Erf

BETHESDA, Md. — In what many are calling the Pentagon’s latest boondoggle, mainstay military contractor Lockheed Martin has already missed major milestone deadlines in its controversial Robot Boy project.

“We promised America a super fighting robot, and that’s what we’ll deliver,” said James Taiclet, President and CEO of Lockheed Martin, in a hearing before the House Armed Services Committee. “Yes, recent projections have us finishing 20% over budget in 2073, but that’s the risk of tackling such a big unknown. America’s enemies already quake in fear at the mere notion that one day in the far future, this robotic boy with a gun for a hand will be fighting for the red, white, and blue.”

But Armed Services Committee Chairman Adam Smith was not so easily mollified. Said the Washington rep, “Our internal projections have this Robot Boy rathole running at least 4.5 trillion over budget as late as 2095. Your skunkworks spent 5 billion USD developing a little sailor outfit for him for basically no reason. You had seven separate teams working on helmets. The Robot Boy is only getting one goddamn helmet! Management has clearly failed.”

“If you ask me, this is more bloodsucking from the same company that sold our military the $400 hammer,” chimed in New Jersey Representative Donald Norcross. “The Russians would have just taped a powerful rifle to the arm of a real boy and saved a trillion dollars. This is why America’s military is falling behind despite record spending.”

“I will remind the committee that technically we have until 2099,” replied LM’s Taiclet.

Analysts close to the military manufacturing giant have pointed out some of the timeline slippage is due to increased project scope from the Department of Defense, including enabling the Robot Boy to absorb the skills of defeated enemies, giving him a robot dog, and then making that dog able to fly.

“And if we are going to take on a project of this size, surely there is a better use of government money,” added Chairman Smith. “Has anyone here ever watched Gundam?”

The boisterous meeting resulted in no immediate changes in funding for Lockheed Martin. In Arlington, Virginia, rumors were already spreading of DARPA’s so-called “Robot Boy X” project, aimed at an even later completion date.

Everyone Silently Agrees to Ignore Friend’s YouTube History as They Pull Up Video on TV

Posted on August 17, 2021 by Chandler Dean

DUNEDIN, Fla. — In an effort to keep the ongoing hang chill for everyone involved, the friends of local gamer Juan Espinosa all silently decided Tuesday night to ignore his alarmingly visible YouTube history as he searched for a music video on his PS4’s YouTube app.

Espinosa, whose recent searches included windows into his fragile psyche like “how to make friends,” “cartoon network bumpers early 2000s,” and “colin jost michael che lie detector vanity fair,” was seemingly completely unaware that his friends could see the 10 most recent depraved phrases he had typed into the YouTube search bar — and his friends intend to keep it that way.

“I want this hang to stay comfortable and judgment-free,” said Ellen Soice, one of Espinosa’s concerned friends. “So there’s no way I’m going to comment on the fact that Juan recently searched ‘zoobooks commercial 10 hours infinite loop.’ Does he use it to fall asleep? Maybe it helps him focus at work? I don’t know, but it’s not my business, so I’m not gonna find out.”

The collective effort not to point out Espinosa’s eyebrow-raising interest areas — such as “amazing atheist banana,” “jimmy dore force the vote,” and “louie ck magic mike” — served as a sort of bonding exercise for the group.

“I’m honestly proud of us for keeping our mouths shut as Juan slowly — so slowly — typed out the title of the Doja Cat music video we were about to watch,” said Emily Dawe, another concerned onlooker at the gathering. “Especially considering he had searched his own name on YouTube several times in the last few days. He doesn’t even have a YouTube channel!”

Other search terms that were not spoken about but were certainly noticed included “ron paul debate highlights,” “old town road elementary school choir cover,” “bill maher islam,” “ucb improv 301 class show,” “jibjab 2011 in review,” “principals office asmr,” “schmoyoho,” “let’s play adventures in typing with timon and pumbaa,” “baby geniuses video essay,” “gilbert gottfried snl audition,” “is it okay to microwave tupperware,” and “cleveland show theme song original.”

At press time, everyone also agreed not to make any comment about the Ouran High School Host Club AMV compilation that kept getting recommended for autoplay after every video.

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