JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Local gamer Mike Plant, who once feared dying a virgin, now only fears death following a momentous event in his life, according to satisfied sources.
“Heh heh, yeah, I guess I’m, uh, not so afraid of dying a virgin anymore, one could perchance say,” explained Plant, 35, with a grin on his face. “Things are looking pretty up for ole Mikey now that a certain something — or shall I say someone — has erased my number one big fear in life. Ooh baby! However, that being said… no matter how much my life has changed following the chance encounter I just had, nothing can erase the fact that death comes for us all. One day you’re living your best life, doing the deed with a woman you met on a dating app exclusively for tabletop RPG gamers in the tristate area, and the next moment, you’re dead in the ground. There’s nothing we can do to stop the inevitability of this. Nothing, of course, except live our lives to the fullest. And uh, for about four minutes last night, I guess you can say that’s what I’ve been doing!”
Those close to the information reported that the event has changed Plant’s outlook on life.
“You know they say money can’t buy happiness. Well it turns out that’s true for other major parts of life as well,” Plant said. “I thought for sure that when I finally did the dirty, it would change my life forever. But the fundamentals remain. Having sex for the first time was, without a doubt, the greatest experience of my entire life by far. Literally nothing compares to it, not graduating from graduate school with a Master’s degree, not opening a pack of random Pokémon cards and seeing a shiny Charizard. But that moment of wetting my ween has not had the impact that I wish it had: erasing my fear of the unknown. And we’ll never know what comes for us after this life.”
“I’m a changed man, that much is for sure,” Plant added, after some silence. “But I am not changed enough.”
At press time, the woman who Plant had slept with the night before asked him to please stop talking to her and just get out of her home already.