Maude Apatow Nails Audition for New Judd Apatow Movie

LOS ANGELES — Up and coming actress Maude Apatow has reportedly impressed producers with her recent audition for role in the new Judd Apatow film, with many speculating she’s the one to beat for the part henceforth.  

“Wow, I think she’s just right for the part of the filmmaker’s daughter,” said Apatow, of his latest upcoming feature, A Guy Named Judd Turns 54 and a Half. “We had actresses coming in from all over the world to see who could bring the role of Maude Plapatow to life, and well, my daughter Maude really crushed it. We’ll still look at some other people, but yeah, it’s her role to lose at this point.”

The young actress was thrilled with the positive reception to her audition. 

“I am so glad that went well,“ said Apatow, star of Knocked Up, This is 40, and The King of Staten Island. “I worked with his wife, my mom Leslie, when I played her daughter in Funny People, so I bet he remembered me. When we ran lines at breakfast this morning though, he insisted that he was going to treat me like all of the other actresses he’s going to see today. The main difference being that we rode there together and I’d be sitting with him during the other auditions, and answering him when he asked me what I thought about them.” 

As of press time, the battle for the part had begun to heat up after all, as Iris Apatow reportedly sent in a really killer audition tape.

Gamer Spends Day Letting Wii U Download All Its Favorite Titles Before Putting it Down

RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Following the announcement that Nintendo will discontinue the Wii U & 3DS eShops, local retro gamer Drew Murphy is reportedly spending one final joyous, bittersweet day letting his beloved Wii U download all of its favorite titles one last time before putting it down.

“I’ll be sad to say goodbye to the little guy, but we all knew this day would come sooner or later,” said Murphy with a calm tone of resignation. “I’m really gonna miss him. Nobody understood him. Sure, he was awkward, and he had a bunch of weird quirks, but he had a lot of character! Ultimately, though, it’s better to let him go peacefully than to drag things out farther. It won’t be pretty once his memory starts to go.”

Murphy wistfully recalled past memories of downloading games with his Wii U as he watched the progress bars on the console’s downloads menu slowly tick up for the last time.

Yoshi’s Cookie finished already, that was fast! Brings back memories, huh buddy? Well hope you saved room for F-Zero X, Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, and Mega Man Battle Network 3! Can’t imagine a more fitting send off than downloading all of the classics, just like old times. And once you’re ready, we’ll factory reset you so you can go off to the great GameStop refurbished console shelf in the sky. But let’s not think about that just yet…I love you, buddy.”

At press time, Murphy expressed hope that he might have a few minutes left at the end of the day to actually play some of the games he’d downloaded.

Disgraced Raccoon City Cop Turns in Gun, Badge, and Shitload of Potted Plants

RACCOON CITY — Following an official review of bodycam footage that was leaked to the public earlier this week, terminated RCPD officer Dennis Montgomery has reportedly turned in his gun, badge, and like 30 or 40 potted plants he had stacked up in his locker. 

“I’d like to apologize for my actions shown in the videos in question,” said Montgomery, who turned in five boxes of potted plants along with other accouterments related to the job . “Police officers are not above the law, and as such, should not run around town smashing every last box and barrel they spot to see if there’s any grenades or health sprays inside of them. For too long I have awkwardly shuffled through these city streets like the rules don’t apply to me, and it’s about time that they do.” 

Montgomery was dismissed early this morning after days of public backlash mounted, prompting him to turn the shitload of potted plants he’d been hanging on to in case he needed one day. 

“It’s not the first time I’ve seen it,” said Brian Irons, Raccoon City Chief of Police. “Of course, I have seen so many things here that most of it doesn’t even make sense to me anymore. I gave all my statements and filled out the proper paperwork at the time, but I think back to everything that’s happened here, and I can’t make fucking heads or tails of it. So yeah, ultimately this guy forking over three dozen plants barely registers for me. I’ll be lucky if I don’t have a tentacle by lunch.” 

The decision to terminate Montgomery was made after several pleas by those who have been affected by his behavior. 

“I was furious when he ransacked the inside of my shop and took all my spare machine gun bullets,” said Ethel Longthorpe, who owns and operates Ethel’s Diner on the edge of town. “A lot of people came to his defense and said he shouldn’t be fired, just because he killed that giant alligator with a chainsaw in the middle of town that time. But I think his dismissal was ultimately the right decision, regardless of his prior service to the community. His unethical hoarding of local vegetation attests to that.” 

As of press time, Raccoon City Chief of Police Brian Irons had begun sprouting a tentacle.

Nintendo Confirms the Ones You Can’t Go Down are Shit Pipes

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo of America has released a disturbing and unsolicited clarification today, confirming that all the green pipes found in Mario games that you aren’t able to travel through are filled with shit. 

“The reason you can only go down every sixth or seventh pipe is simple,” said Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser, in an unannounced Nintendo Direct video that has since been pulled off of YouTube and other prominent video hosting services. “It’s because those other pipes are transporting excrement belonging to all of your favorite characters from the Mario universe all over the place. Goomba shit, koopa shit, everything you can think of. It’s a realistic detail that has been insisted upon since the onset of the series.” 

Bizarrely, following Bowser’s admission, an animated Mario addressed the camera directly. 

“Mamma mia,” said Mario, Nintendo’s flagship star and mascot since the 1980s. “Our-a kingdom produces a lot of solid-a waste matter! It would-a be unrealistic not to address-a this in our games. If we didn’t have-a so many pipes, I’m afraid the underwater levels would be quite-a disgusting. That’s the importance of good-a plumbing!”  

Disturbed gamers were concerned they’d see Mario games differently after today’s announcement.

“I can’t imagine it’s gonna be the same after this,” said Jackie Heller, a gamer who’d previously considered Super Mario World their favorite video game of all time. “I mean, how am I not going to think about all of the shitty pipes I’m stepping on? If it’s so important that we know about where the shit goes, why don’t they have any toilets in the game? And why the statement out of the blue right now when we’re all desperate to hear about Zelda or a Switch Pro? I guess they just woke up this morning and felt like telling us about the shit in the pipes, huh?”

As of press time, the Nintendo Direct closed with Bowser announcing a surprise sequel to Captain Toad’s Treasure Tracker, adding, “but you’re really not going to like where it’s set.”

Preview: Card Shark Is a Fun, Inventive Idea That I Cannot Engage With On a Moral Level as It Encourages Lying

Card Shark, the upcoming game of swindling and sleight of hand from publisher Devolver Digital, is an engaging, story-driven adventure game that I cannot engage with on a moral level as it encourages lying, and is frowned upon by myself, my country, and Him.

The game is a period piece that puts you in the shoes of a barhand in France during the Middle Ages. Through the story, we follow the lead of a charming stranger into a life of card games, chicanery and generally unsportsmanlike behavior. If the alarm bells are not going off for you at this point, my family and I will be saying a futile prayer for you tonight at dinner.

First of all, not only are you French, the most inherently evil of the European peoples, but you’re smack dab in the middle of when they could historically be trusted the least? What’s next? A cooking sim where you don’t call them Freedom Fries and dip them in mayonnaise? Come on, folks. The art style here is gorgeous, but all it does is help your eyes focus on the life of sin presented in front of you. No thanks.

The story of Card Shark is built around the total perversion of good natured gambling, a cultural cornerstone of the righteous and financially stable. Card games are not meant to be played by vagrants in tights and powdered wigs, but by men with hair on their chests, authentic Rolexes on their wrists, and a healthy disdain for the people in their lives who love them.

Cheating, a major mechanic in the game, is an unheard of practice that has no place around the card table. If I am going to lose the mortgage on my house to a guy I met at a bar, it’s going to be because I had the unbridled bravery to do it — not because he had some meek boy-servant peek at my hand while he was pouring me a Miller High Life.

In conclusion, if you are an uncouth, unamerican, and unprofitable servant of the Lord with a knack for conning wealthy aristocrats out of their hard-earned, legally acquired riches? Then this game is for you. Just keep that in mind when you’re in line to have a chat with Saint Peter.

In the meantime, I’ll be getting back to building my fortune the virtuous way: online poker tables.

This review is sponsored by Devolver Digital. That’s right: all of your worst fears about video game reviews being paid for are accurate. The world is crumbling around you. There’s no hope for the video game journalism industry anymore… except… is that a light? Yes… yes! You can wash away your fears and misery by exploring the fascinating scoundrel-filled world of Card Shark! Have fun, gamers!

Report: Old Movie Actually Pretty Good

PASADENA, Calif. — A universally acclaimed Hollywood motion picture from 1949 is actually not half bad, two local viewers confirmed.

“I was binging this new MCU podcast — I’m kind of a movie nerd — and one of the fellas recommended The Third Man. It’s from like, forever ago, and it stars a bunch of people I’ve never heard of,” said Kevin Vega of the classic noir film starring Orson Welles. “I know this sounds crazy but, it actually turned out to be kind of dope.”

Vega was initially hesitant to watch the film, due to what he described as “major warning signs” that it probably sucked.

“First off, nobody has it in 4K — strike one. Then I check out the preview, and the thing is still in black and white! I understand they didn’t know how to do colors back then, but if the movie is really so good, wouldn’t they have fixed it with computers by now?” asked Vega, who watched the film last night with his roommate. “I checked the box office numbers, and this thing didn’t even make a million dollars. That was almost strike three.”

Longtime roommate Neal Smithers explained how the two ended up deciding to watch.

“We looked up The Third Man on Rotten Tomatoes, and the audience score was 93%, which is almost as high as The Dark Knight. Tough comparison, I know — The Dark Knight is a classic and nobody has ever heard of this movie — but it was enough to get our interest,” said Smithers, who stayed awake for the majority of the 108-minute runtime. “Decent movie, believe it or not. Could have used a better villain, though. All this guy did was walk around in the shadows. He’s barely in the movie. Would be interested to see if there’s more in the director’s cut.”

Despite liking The Third Man, the pair were last seen writing negative reviews of the film on Rotten Tomatoes, just to make sure it didn’t pass The Dark Knight.

Anime Fan Can Speak Fluent Japanese as Long as Conversation Exclusively Involves the Lyrics to the ‘Hunter x Hunter’ Theme Song

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Local anime fan and Japanese student Robert Hammond has recently begun boasting that he’s acquired fluency in the Japanese language, as long as the conversation exclusively involves the lyrics of the Hunter x Hunter theme song.

“Since I’ve memorized the lyrics to ‘Departure’ by Masatoshi Ono, I think it’s fair to consider myself fluent in Japanese,” said Hammond. “I’ve flexed my skills on some native Japanese speakers, and they get speechless when I say ‘daichi wo fumishimete, kimi wa mezameteiku’ perfectly. I probably speak it better than most native speakers do by now!”

Some local Japanese speakers say that Hammond’s specialized language expertise isn’t as practical as he thinks.

“That guy comes in and orders politely enough in very grammatically correct Japanese, but then things go off the rails pretty quickly,” said bilingual ramen restaurant waiter Hanto Igarashi. “Last week he came in and ordered a miso ramen and a coke, and then when it came time to pay the bill he just started repeating this phrase that translates to, ‘the world is waiting for your shine’? Like, is that from a poem or something?”

According to his college Japanese professor, Eriko Nagase, Hammond seems to have forgotten all of his 101 lessons in lieu of reciting the lyrics during lessons.

“When I call on him to answer questions, he just yells random sentences from that pop song, over and over,” said Nagase. “He skipped an essay question on his last exam and just wrote ‘YOU CAN SMILE’ instead. I hope he realizes he’s in danger of failing.”

At press time, Hammond was considering further specializing his Japanese study by branching out and memorizing the lyrics to the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure theme song.

Elden Ring Would Not Have Been Popular in Other Eras, Such as the 1920s, Because Video Games Didn’t Exist Then

Elden Ring, the newest action-adventure video game from veteran developers From Software, is taking the world by storm. Despite its steep difficulty curve and limited explanations, it is a surprisingly fun experience, with death and discovery behind every corner! But it would have been literally impossible to predict that the game would have been such a hit, or even a hit at all; in fact, most analysts — at least, the ones who had even heard of it before its release — predicted the game would be a major flop. So what’s the deal? 

Well, it turns out that Elden Ring’s success is a product of its exact environment. People are sick of being beaten down in their real lives, so they’ve turned to the artificial world to be beaten down there instead. Between COVID-19, the war in Ukraine, the years following Donald Trump’s presidency, and the rise of NFTs, there isn’t really any other time period where this game could have succeeded. I mean seriously, let’s think about it.

What if Elden Ring came out in the 1980s? The graphics would be terrible and hard to make out, with incredibly janky combat on arcade machines. Not to mention, people would want to go outside and hang out with people, or they’d be complaining about Reaganomics, which were very popular at the time. Without the pandemic, it’s hard to imagine people spending their time indoors, cranking out boss fights and leveling up their characters in the vast world of Limgrave. And who is there to look up to? In the ’80s, video games were littered with working class heroes like Mario for fans to relate to, while Elden Ring has only despair. Elden Ring would have been a flop for sure.

What if Elden Ring came out in the 1920s? In the 1920s, video games didn’t even exist. People wouldn’t even know what to do with the disc, and if the game was launched with a PS5 and TV so that people could play it, they wouldn’t even know what it was. Not unlike the people in the audience for that short movie where a train approaches the station who thought they were going to be hit by a train, gamers in the 1920s trying out Elden Ring would think they are literally being transported into the game’s horrifying land of monsters and murder. Players would assume that the game had arrived on Earth from the depths of Hell, and would have dismissed the gameplay as “tedious” and “too difficult.” No way to see the game being a hit.

What if Elden Ring came out in the 2100s? In the 2100s, Elden Ring will feel incredibly dated. If the game came out in that time period instead of exactly when it came out in 2022, fans would dismiss it as old news. All video games in the 2100s will be virtual reality games that are so all-consuming that they feel as if they are taking over your life, as you forget during gameplay that you’re even a person playing a video game. Gamers will be confused even by the idea of sitting on a couch, holding a controller, and looking at a television screen, which will undoubtedly be technology that no longer exists. Instead of TV, we will have entertainment beamed directly into our brains, and instead of couches, we will have exclusively miniature mech-suits that we wear at all hours of the day and that help us sit, stand, walk, and sleep. Releasing Elden Ring in this time period would be like releasing a stone tablet from the ancient days of humanity, and it would likely make very little money.

At the end of the day, I think we can all agree that Elden Ring came out at the exact perfect time. And I’m glad that it did, as I already have nearly 150 hours playing it! I’m still stuck on the game’s final boss, the terrifying Godrick the Grafted, but once I finish that, I’ll be looking forward to the next game that COVID-19 serves me up on a platter.

Insufferable ‘Lego Star Wars’ Fan Prefers Original Version

PHOENIX — Following the release of LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga, an insufferable fan was overheard loudly insisting that the original version of the games were infinitely better. 

“That shit ain’t real LEGO Star Wars,” said Rich Frye, standing on a stack of used game cases inside of a GameStop. “Real LEGO Star Wars games cover a single film or trilogy and keep their collectathons to a reasonable amount. This latest version is completely overstuffed and incoherent. It’s all shine and no soul. What do I want to travel to every planet from every Star Wars movie ever if all of the action on screen is without any trace of fun or joy? Needless to say, my childhood has been retroactively ruined by this game.”

Many bystanders vocally disagreed with Frye, saying they were happy to give the franchise’s latest entry a shot.

“You know, it’s possible that guy thinks the one they played on the original Xbox is the best because he played it when he was 12,” said Aaron Livingston, a gamer that’s enjoyed the LEGO Star Wars games to varying degrees over the years. “Meanwhile, some 12 year old is gonna play this game and have a blast, and I don’t think they’re necessarily an idiot if they prefer it to its primitive version from a decade ago, you know? How can a video game release in 2022 fuck up your childhood, by the way?”

Meanwhile the game’s developers, Traveller’s Tales, insisted this was the conclusive LEGO adaptation of the Star Wars films. 

“We went to exhaustive lengths to make sure this was the definitive version of the films we’ve come to know and love,” said Michael Paul, a lead designer on the title. “And now that the soul-crushing, press-making crunch we endured to make sure we made all nine fucking movies into a single affordable game is over, please, by all means, let me know how we could have done better. I welcome the criticism. That sounds great.”

As of press time, Frye was spotted buying a copy of LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga, “just to see how much it sucks.”

RPG Player Unsure Whether Their Character Would Say “Of Course!” or “Sure Thing!”

MISSOURI CITY, Texas Hesitant to make the wrong decision and potentially impact something in the game’s story later on, local gamer Diana Russell is reportedly unsure whether her Fallout 4 player character should accept a required story quest with an enthusiastic “Of course!” or a confident “Sure thing!”

“Obviously the great hero of the Commonwealth’s personality in conversation must be a huge plot element of the game, so the different potential outcomes here could be crucial,” Russell said, poring over her notebook tracking her character’s stat sheet so far. “‘Sure thing’ is proud and trustworthy, like ‘don’t even worry about it,’ you know? But ‘Of course!’ is like it almost goes without saying that I can handle it! Which of these sounds like it fits my low-Strength high-Charisma build better?”

Paralyzed by indecision, Russell started to consider the wildcard third dialogue choice, where her character would say “Oh, not in a million years!” in a quirky, sarcastic kind of way to defer accepting the quest until later.

“Colt McClintock is a wandering gun with a mean streak and a heart of gold, so there’s precedent for him getting cute and snarky,” Russell admitted, “but who knows how far that will get him in an unforgiving wasteland like this? The entire story could get flipped on its head if I piss the wrong people off with my flippant attitude!”

Fallout 4’s designers have been delighted to see that their subtle, yet complex dialogue system has encouraged a more thoughtful kind of player engagement.

“At Bethesda Studios, we have a motto: ‘limitless choice,’” said Todd Howard, game director for Fallout 4. “As long as you get all the missions completed, I mean. We hold up our end of the bargain making the games, and it’s your job to 100% them. It’s mandatory, come on, hop to it, or else we’ll just keep porting them again and again.”

At press time, Russell had reportedly given up and re-rolled a new character hoping that a different stat build would produce different options in that same conversation.

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