Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Nintendo Confirms That Viral Tweet Depicting Mario Banging Out Toad Is Not Canon

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo executives made a bizarre clarification earlier today, insisting that a piece of artwork that’s gone viral depicting their iconic Mario character having sexual relations with his longtime platonic companion Toad was not a recognized part of Nintendo continuity.

“No way, that would never happen,” said Doug Bowser in a video that was uploaded to the internet earlier today. “To say nothing of our company’s family friendly image that prevents us from depicting any of our beloved characters engaged in the physical act of love making, we really don’t think Mario and Toad make any sense as romantic partners. This is in no way official to the story we’re telling here, and wanted to make sure the public understood that. Not from us guys, sorry.”

The clarification came after the crudely drawn picture made waves on the internet, with many unsure if it was official or not.

“Okay yeah, that makes sense,” said Manny Dodds, who saw the image of Mario just whalin’ on Toad shared by several sources across his timeline this morning. “I was like 50/50 when I saw it, whether it was some amatuer fan art or they were announcing a new Mario Party game or something. In hindsight, I think I was really hoping for a new Mario Party game and sort of let that cloud my judgment. There’s no way there’s a Mario Party game where you give it to Toad like that. That’s not really how Nintendo parties.”

The artist addressed the rumors that the wide misconception was the intention of the piece.

“I didn’t really think about the reception it might get, I just felt like drawing Mario banging out Toad,” said the reclusive artist of the piece who insisted on remaining anonymous, via a Twitter direct message. “Just really givin’ it to him.”

As of press time, the official Nintendo Twitter account retweeted the pornographic artwork in question, once again reiterating that they had nothing to do with it.

Fortnite Introduces “No Guns” Mode

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

CARY, N.C. — After briefly eliminating the iconic building mode from their blockbuster hit Fortnite, Epic Games has announced that next they’re going to add a No Guns mode to the massively popular battle royale game.

“We went the route of adding all kinds of things from time to time, and frankly, that was exhausting,” said Tim Sweeney, founder and CEO of Epic Games. “Now we’re gonna go in the other direction and just start taking stuff out. Houses, treasures, you name it. After Zero Build mode was such a hit that it was made permanent, we’ve decided to test out a Zero Guns mode. At the moment the game is mostly a free range dancing simulator, but we’re optimistic we’re gonna be able to get the dance moves out of there before long as well.”

Fans of Fortnite were ecstatic about the game shedding its signature characteristic.

“I’ve been daydreaming about this for years,” said Marie Iverson, a longtime Fortnite player. “The idea of battle royale games is still so exciting to me. Being on the battlefield with 100 opponents with only your wits and accuracy to survive is as visceral a gaming gets. I really wish my survival didn’t also hinge on my ability to quickly throw up a fortress around me or avoiding fire from assholes that have built walkways in the sky a mile above me in the damn air. I know this is the game with John Wick and Spider-Man, but I always thought the building was honestly a little ridiculous.”

A vocal minority of players, however, aren’t thrilled that Epic continues to strip fundamental aspects away from its flagship title.

“Why don’t I just play one of the other half dozen battle royale games that people swear are better at this point?” asked Benjamin Keys, a Fortnite player that enjoys its building mechanic. “I didn’t want to go over to Warzone with my friends because I had gotten so good at Fortnite, but now all the stuff I was good at is gone and all you can really do on there is run around and break into houses. Then most of the players cram into the final little circle at the end and we all just die together like we’re in a cult or something. It’s actually pretty depressing.”

As of press time, Epic had made some more exciting announcements about the upcoming season of Fortnite, including the introduction of The Punisher, the return of some fan favorite items and locations, and a brand new No Looking At The Other Players mode.

EA Games Announces They’re Hiring Idea Guys Across All Departments

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Kevin Flynn

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — The video game publishing giant Electronic Arts is hiring idea guys across all departments effective immediately, the company announced today in a press release.

“Electronic Arts is constantly looking to inspire the world through the possibilities of video games, and idea guys are the lifeblood of our business,” said Electronic Arts COO Laura Miele in an interview on CNBC’s Squawk Alley announcing the news. “That’s why we’re hiring idea guys, senior idea guys, and idea guy managers throughout EA with no maximum on headcount through the rest of 2022. Really, these people are worth infinitely more than whatever we pay them, so we’ll take as many as we can get.”

The news of the hiring mandate has led to increased confidence that the favorable idea guy job market will continue for some time, especially the gaming industry which employs the largest number of professional idea guys in the United States.

“Anyone can build a video game, but it takes a special kind of person to come up with the idea to build a video game,” said professional job interview coach Marshall Prince, explaining how candidates for idea guy roles can easily command seven figure salaries in current market conditions. “I don’t imagine this will end until they find a way to make coming up with ideas obsolete. And you know who’s going to have to come up with that idea? That’s right, an ideas guy.”

At press time, EA said they also planned on supporting the development of emerging talent in the gaming industry by creating a partnership program with indie idea guys who have smaller, less ambitious ideas.

Batman Dies Doing Needlessly Complicated Grappling Hook Move

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

GOTHAM CITY — The Caped Crusader, long Gotham’s bastion of hope and honor, who bravely kept the streets safe for decades, died last night after he tried to swing around a flagpole a couple of extra times with his grappling hook.

“This is a dark, dark day for Gotham City,” said Commissioner Gordon, who’s unofficial alliance with The World’s Greatest Detective drew much scrutiny during the crime fighter’s reign. “Whatever you think about his methods, about his ideology, I think we can all agree it would’ve been better if the Joker killed him or something, or if he died saving a bus full of people or something. Not fucking around with a grappling hook.”

The unnecessary flourish occurred late last night, as Batman was in pursuit of two petty jewel thieves who had broken into a jewelry store after hours.

“The whole job was a bust,” said one of the criminals shortly after. “After we had disabled the security system, Catwoman shows up and steals the diamonds before we could! Then the Bats showed up and chased all of us out of there. I think he was trying to show off for Catwoman, because he was keeping up with us just fine, but then suddenly he was trying some Spider-Man shit and he got all tangled in some power lines. I’m not sure if he choked or got electrocuted, but it was a fucking mess. The whole city lost power.”

Robin, The Dark Knight’s protégé and crime fighting partner, was inconsolable.

“Gee whillakers, guys,” said The Boy Wonder. “I always asked him if he thought screwing around with that grappling hook was the best idea, and he would laugh and say something condescending about how a bat knows what’s best or something? I don’t know, but now that Batman is dead I’m sure going to have my hands full dealing with the criminals of this city. One at a time please, fellas!”

As of press time, the city was voting on whether they should take Batman’s mask off at his funeral.

Four Hour Game Requires Six Hour Update

Posted on April 20, 2022 by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Local gamer Simone Fawkes noted her frustration today when booting up an old indie game for another playthrough, only to discover the four hour game requires a six hour update.

“My PlayStation says that somehow the update has more than five hours remaining, and I’m not even sure how that’s possible,” Fawkes said. “Is it installing an entirely new game? Is the update erasing the game and installing it again? The patch notes just say ‘bug fixes’ so I’m not sure why it is so long. This entire game is like five gigabytes, and I just wanted to fire it up and quickly blitz through it again, but that apparently is impossible.”

The game’s lead programmer elaborated on some of the new update’s content.

“Some problems with the game definitely needed to be addressed,” said programmer Michael Choi. “There were some…bugs that needed…patching. Got to patch those bugs. There were also some glitches that needed to be, um, coded. It’s just a routine update, the same one we have planned every year just when we think you’re going to redownload and return to the game.”

Computer expert Dan Louis explained some ways to increase download times for game updates.

“First thing you’re going to want to do is pause then resume the update,” Louis said. “This is imperative for providing the illusion that your update is now somehow going faster. Next, go through your system settings and check what your current download/upload speed is. This step also doesn’t make it go any faster, but kills about thirty seconds off the download time overall.”

At press time, sources say after the six hour update progress bar had finished, the update was finally downloaded and ready to be installed over the next three hours.

MatPat Still Haunted by the One Unsolvable Indie Game That Killed His Partner

Posted on April 19, 2022 by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — YouTube personality and Game Theory channel creator Matthew Patrick, a.k.a. MatPat, was recently driven mad by the one unsolvable indie game that murdered his partner eight years ago and went free.

“DAMN IT! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” screamed MatPat, throwing a stack of papers from his desk in a dimly-lit room. “It just doesn’t add up. I’ve been trying to solve this seemingly-cute children’s indie game for almost a decade and nothing. I have to track this bastard down before I retire or I’ll never be able to sleep at night. I’m going to avenge you, Winslow. I’m going to solve the subtle lore of this sick son of a bitch if it’s the last thing I do.”

The creator of the cryptic indie game has been messaging MatPat for years since his trail ran cold.

“You could have saved him, Mr. Theorist. I gave you all the clues,” wrote the killer in a taunting YouTube comment. “I am demanding that Steam put my game on the front page this Friday or I will kill five more people. That is, unless you can stop me Mr. Theorist.”

MatPat’s obsession of solving the indie game eventually consumed his personal life.

“I spend all my time poring over screenshots, walkthroughs, looking for anything I could have missed,” a gaunt, unshaven MatPat said. “I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ve looked at every sprite, every different ending, and nothing. Winslow said he had a lead on the case, and I haven’t seen him since that rainy Halloween night he disappeared. I have to figure out what he knows. I only have enough clues to make a seven minute video, and I need to stretch it out to ten.”

“I don’t think you’ll ever catch me Matthew,” the killer’s note concluded. “But of course, that’s…just a theory.”

Sony Preemptively Announces PlayStation 6 Shortage

Posted on April 18, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

NEW YORK — A Sony press release announced today that gamers and scalpers alike should prepare for a PlayStation 6 shortage, whenever the console ends up launching.

“We want our gamers to get ready for multiple generations of console launches fueled by excitement and hope followed by extreme disappointment, bargaining, and anger. Really a trip through all five stages of grief is optimum,” wrote Sony CEO Jim Ryan. “The latest evolution in console shortages and launch delays has revolutionized our ability to make extreme profits — if we can go ahead and start building that buzz for the PlayStation 6, this virtuous cycle will remain unbroken. We’re talking games-as-a-service here. And what better service can we provide than consistency? Specifically, consistency in an inability to access them at all.”

The entire Sony boardroom was reportedly excited at the new direction.

“You look to Sony as an innovator in gaming and tech in general. This constant bang and bust cycle of hopes and dreams is exactly what we need to do to keep our consumers on their toes and hitting F5 on the GameStop site before giving up and reluctantly perusing Facebook Marketplace scalpers,” said Sony CFO Hiroki Totoki. “The way the combination of ongoing chip shortages and logistics confusion are forecast to keep affecting PlayStation 5 production, it’s only reasonable to assume we can expect the same for the PlayStation 6. It’s simply for the best that consumers adjust their expectations early.”

Although the announcement has been met with adverse reactions from most, console resellers have expressed only positive responses.

“Knowing that my business model of stealing products from normal people and selling them back with huge markups is secured for an additional console generation has been such a relief,” said self-described “entrepreneur” Chazz Roddenburgle between ingesting fisfuls of lard from a Crisco container. “Really the only thing that can stop me now is if gamers somehow develop any sort of patience or faith in delayed gratification.”

At press time, Sony was gearing up to announce delays in PS5 restocks for the umpteenth time this year.

‘Fantastic Beasts’ Fan Reacts to Franchise Cancellation by Continuing to Not Exist

Posted on April 18, 2022 by Liam O'Malley

LOS ANGELES — As rumors begin to circulate that Warner Bros. is planning to end the Fantastic Beasts franchise prematurely, fans of the series have responded by passionately continuing to not exist in any form.

“I’ve definitely had my ups and downs with this series, but this is sad news,” explained Fantastic Beasts superfan and fictional person Sarah Stringer. “The Fantastic Beasts franchise literally raised me as a child. I grew up locked in a room with the movies on loop as a social experiment. I can’t just move on from it like nothing. What am I to watch now? Harry Potter?”

Although Warner Bros. has refused to comment on the rumors, the possibility has left some imaginary fans on edge about never getting to see these characters again.

“I’m utterly ruined, I just fell in love with Mads Mikkelsen as Grindelwald,” Burt Crocker said, despite not being an actual person. “I also just fell in love with him in these movies. Taking over Johnny Depp’s role wasn’t enough — he should take over every single acting role in existence. He has to do the Nutty Professor thing for every movie now.”

While the future of the series will be determined by the box office showings, non-existent fans like these are all committed to making Warner Bros. know they’re still hungry for more.

“We may not have names, bodies, or the concept of form,” said a dark glowy figure in the shape of a man. “But we will be heard! It’s time to #UnleashTheBeastCut.”

Guy Claims Insane Theory He Has About Series Is “Basically Confirmed”

Posted on April 18, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

DURHAM, N.C. — Local Starship Exercise: Go fan Max England swears that his bizarre fan theory about the animated series is all but confirmed to be true, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Marcus is Reece’s grandson from the future. You didn’t know that? Yeah it’s basically confirmed. The creators of the show obviously can’t ever admit it — which is why they’ve stated in all those interviews that it’s not true — but that’s just because of story and contract reasons. It’s like 99.9% confirmed,” England explained. “If you just think of Marcus as being from the future, inventing time travel, and traveling back to the present to teach his grandfather’s freshman biology course, literally everything about the show clicks into place. I honestly can’t even imagine watching the show without that knowledge at this point, because it completely recontextualizes everything to make sense.”

“Remember that episode when Reece says he loves cotton candy and then two seasons later, we see Marcus eating cotton candy? That’s because they’re related. There’s a whole 45-minute video you can watch about it on YouTube,” England added. “But obviously Reece isn’t Marcus’ son and Marcus is older than Reece. That’s where time travel comes in.”

According to those close to England, his friends do their best to nod along and just let him get his theories out so they can talk about something else.

“Max loves Starship Exercise: Go. He once sent me a chart cataloging the genealogy of every single character on the show, spanning like hundreds of years. I don’t even know how he did it, it’s a children’s cartoon that had like three seasons. It’s about a kid in high school,” said England’s roommate Lilly-Grace Woodard. “But what do I care? If that’s how he wants to enjoy the show, then that’s fine by me. I just like to watch it when the new episodes come out and if other people have insane theories about how this guy’s a mermaid or that guy’s only exists in another guy’s imagination or that the whole show takes place in a coma dream, that doesn’t really screw with my enjoyment. I just think it’s got a cool artstyle and funny dialogue.”

At press time, the creators of Starship Exercise: Go finally admitted that Marcus is Reece’s grandson from the future, which is one of the main ideas they had for the show since its original conception.

Remote Worker Will Get Right on That After They Smoke Every Last Speck of Weed in Apartment

Posted on April 18, 2022 by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Work-from-home designer Kenny Davidson will reportedly answer that email right away, as soon as he consumes all the marijuana in his possession.

“I checked my inbox, and it looks like my boss wants me to change the font on that logo again. I’m going to jump right on that,” said Davidson, packing a monster bowl for his gravity bong at 11:30 in the morning. “Just need to take care of something real quick.”

Davidson has been working remotely since the early days of the pandemic, leading to a better work/life balance and more time for leisure activities.

“Yeah, it’s nice not to have my life revolve around work. I’m just as productive, but a lot happier since I can dedicate more time to things I really care about,” he said, scraping the last bits of kief from the bottom of his grinder with a penny and crumbling it on top of the bowl. “Overall, I’m just a better version of myself when I have autonomy. One second,” he added, taking an absolutely vicious rip of that good good and coughing for about a minute straight.

“Okay, I got myself a font to change,” Davidson said. “Alright, done.” He then decided to reward himself by ordering more weed.

Davidson’s boss could not be reached for comment this morning, as he was too drunk to answer the phone.

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