PS5 Found at Goodwill Must Be Haunted by Tragic Backstory

Posted on by Ben Friedman

READING, Pa. — Despite continued heavy demand for the hard-to-find game console, a disc edition PlayStation 5 which recently arrived at a local Goodwill has been repeatedly overlooked due to assumptions that it must be haunted by some tragic backstory, Goodwill staff have confirmed.

“We get consoles in here all the time, but it’s usually nothing newer than a Dreamcast, so the second I came in and saw that PS5 in the display case I just knew it was bad news,” said Goodwill cashier Erin McGowan. “I can’t think of any scenario where someone would willingly surrender a thing like that unless it also came with some baggage. I’m just dying to know who brought it in, but no one’s heard from the guy who processed it at the donation drop in three days. I really hope the curse didn’t get passed to any of us.”

Thrifty Goodwill customers who frequent the store were also put off by the eerie quality of the PS5, despite its relatively affordable price tag.

“I shop here knowing full well that the original owner of pretty much any item I see might already be dead, and even I have to draw the line somewhere,” said customer James Lyndale. “Only other possibility is that some poor kid fucked up bad enough at school that their parents gave it away just to make a point. Either way, there’s just too much bad karma emanating from that thing to think about buying it, no matter how much of a steal it is.”

Goodwill executives have closely monitored the situation, as they keep track of highly sought after items that come through their stores.

“We’re focused on improving our screening process to stop high-ticket donations like these from filling our shoppers with vague dread,” said Goodwill COO George Sanders. “Ironically, these are the kind of donations that end up sitting on the shelf the longest. Customers usually assume that the item in question may be broken, or perhaps that it’s a ruined emblem from a shattered life. This is why we usually just stick to heavily soiled but functional N64 consoles, which are actually our highest margin item.”

At press time, a Goodwill employee had reportedly become even more anxious about the PS5’s backstory after plugging it in to discover it still contained a very scratched disc copy of Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl.

New Disneyland Attraction Lets Visitors Feed Real Live Tom Holland

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Disneyland, the reportedly happiest place on Earth, unveiled a new park attraction this week in the wake of the titanic box office success of the MCU’s Spider-Man films. Now Disneyland attendees can feed the actual Tom Holland on the character pavilion.

“It was so cute! He came right up to my hand and sniffed it,” said park attendee Michelle Robinson. “I always loved him as Peter Parker, and so for 75 cents I was happy to buy some pellets to feed him up close. His tongue felt a little rough on my palm, but I bought the most adorable souvenir photo of his small little face being pet by my friend. Although by the time I got to the front of the line, it seemed like his little belly was full. Some people were even throwing some of the pellets at him while he was sleeping on his warm rock.”

Holland commented on his new role in the park’s entertainment.

“It’s so great! I love meeting all the fans and parents, letting them pinch my cheeks and stroke my firmly-gelled hair,” Holland said. “I do flips for the people and all sorts of crazy tricks they want to see. I just love them all so much. I hug them and kiss them and they reward me with delicious brown little food balls. This is truly the best gig ever. Mr. Feige said he’s proud of me, and I don’t want to let him down.”

Marvel creative head Kevin Feige commented on the new attraction.

“It’s good for everyone,” Feige said. “The fans get their picture, and we get to socialize the boy a bit more. Win-win. We’re looking to have all the Marvel stars fully feedable by the next phase of the MCU. Market research shows people are more likely to buy merch of characters whose mouth they’ve had their hand inside of.” 

At press time, Disney management reported that Holland may have to be unfortunately put down after getting frightened and biting a surly visitor trying to feed him.

Upcoming Police Trainer Sequel to Feature 80 Minute Load Times Before Each Level

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A sequel to the popular arcade light gun game Police Trainer will launch with some modern inspirations, namely making players wait over an hour before beginning each level, programmers have confirmed. 

“We know realism is of the utmost importance to modern gamers,” said Andrew Rainey, lead developer of the upcoming release. “That’s why before you proceed with a fairly routine target practice drill in the new version of Police Trainer, you will be able to stand around for an hour and a half while everyone around you in the arcade screams at you to do something, anything, for the fucking love of god. But hey man, it’s your quarter, these people can’t tell you what to do with your turn. We think we’ve done an impressive job of showing you what it’s like to be out there on the thin blue line, making life or death decisions, assuming that decision is to just stand around for over an hour.” 

A recently released video preview of the upcoming sequel revealed an actual police officer playing through a demo build of the game. After pressing the start button, the officer is greeted with an 80-minute countdown before the tutorial begins. 

“My god, this is the most realistic video game I’ve ever played,” said Shane Crum, a local police officer, sipping bottled water as the countdown began. “It would be more realistic if lives were hanging in the balance instead of just doing these practice drills, but I understand. It’s just Police Trainer, after all. If these guys ever make a real life Police Simulator game, I’m all over it. Sounds like it would be so chill.” 

While received well in the police community, many gamers felt that the 80-minute load times were excessive. 

“Wait, so they give you over an hour to prepare mentally before shooting some at some targets?” asked Kate Cason, a confused gamer. “I get that you might want a little countdown to get ready, but like bro, you chose to play Police Trainer. If you wanted something less confrontational you could’ve played pinball or something. Whatever, who still cares about an arcade game in 2022, anyway? All coin-ops are bullshit.” 

As of press time, gathered police officers had shot the Police Trainer prototype machine 200 times after they thought a dog had appeared on the screen.

Gamer Rolls Credits on Episode of Everybody Loves Raymond

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ORLANDO, Fla. — A local gamer has recently rolled credits on the pilot episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, fellow members of his Discord channel have confirmed. 

“Just finished EBR for the first time,” read an unprompted message from Anthony Spires, who generally keeps everyone aware of what he’s doing. “Pretty funny. Lagged in some parts. Good story, characters were well written, a fully realized suburban environment. Consistent frame rates. Will probably continue the series.” 

Everybody Loves Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal was receptive to the news of Spires’ viewing and subsequent completion of the hit series’ debut episode, albeit somewhat confused. 

“Okay, so one kid finished one episode?” asked Rosenthal. “Okay. Cool, I guess. Did you know we ran for nine seasons and the show has been adapted to a half dozen other countries? I guess I’m just not sure why this is newsworthy, the fact that someone watched a single episode? What am I missing here?”

Others in Spires’ Discord channel were quick to criticize the way he was watching the critically acclaimed show. 

“I’ve been telling him to check it out for years,” said Eric Beale, a friend of Spires’. “And when he finally does, he’s watching it with the American dub and not the Japanese dub with English subtitles. He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on watching that way, but whatever.” 

“These people are out of their mind,” said Rosenthal. 

As of press time, Spires had asked everyone in the chat if he should finish the series or move onto its spin-off, The King of Queens.

Nintendo Delays ‘Breath of the Wild 2’ After Losing Game Disc in Couch Cushions

Posted on by Camden Brazile

KYOTO, Japan — Games industry titan Nintendo made a very unfortunate announcement this week, that the highly-anticipated sequel to Breath of the Wild will be severely delayed after the developers misplaced the disc somewhere in the office couch cushions.

“I am sorry to the fans, I know they will be disappointed, it’s in the couch somewhere,” Nintendo designer Shigeru Miyamoto told reporters. “We’ve taken off the cushions, checked under the couch, and nothing. We’re being very gentle because we don’t want to scratch the disc, but we want everyone to be able to play this revolutionary game as soon as possible. While the exact timeline of this delay is still to be determined, we believe once we vacuum some of the loose popcorn under the couch the disc may present itself.”

Longtime Zelda fans took to the internet to express their disappointment.

“I really hope they find the disc, this has to stop happening,” said Twitter User @RobMichaels202. “I remember when they had a whole Nintendo direct that was just Masahiro Sakurai on his hands and knees opening various game cases to figure out which one he put Smash Ultimate in. Just put it back in the case it belongs in. Please, I can’t keep waiting extra years for these huge games just because their mom came through and moved all their gaming stuff and they have to wait until she gets off work to ask her where she put it.”

 At press time, sources at Nintendo confirmed that a North American port of Mother 3 was fully completed and ready to be shipped overseas as soon as Nintendo Doug Bowser could remember where he had it last.

NRA Suggests Teachers Play More Violent Video Games

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

FAIRFAX, Va. — NRA spokespeople have made a public plea for the teachers of the world to play more violent video games, sources have confirmed. 

“Enough fucking around with farming and simulation games,” said Carolyn D. Meadows, President of the National Rifle Association. “These teachers today need to get real and start playing Call of Duty or Destiny or something. Figure out a loadout they’re comfortable with, and just be ready for what the job entails. These killing simulators have been in the hands of our children for decades and we need the teachers of America to keep up if we want to keep our classrooms safe in any way.” 

Most teachers agreed that proficiency in violent video games was a preposterous requisite for an already difficult position. 

“We as teachers can’t be expected to keep up with violent video games,” said Allison Folsom, a seventh grade science teacher. “Between instructing, communicating with parents, and all of the time before and after class this job requires, I just don’t have the time to grind out Apex or anything like that these days. I’m lucky if I can play a day on Stardew Valley with a glass of wine before I fall asleep.”

“Besides,” she continued. “I was in high school when Columbine happened, and Doom was the problem. Now I’m a teacher and Doom is the answer? These people really spend lifetimes talking in circles, huh?”

After agreeing to be interviewed, several local police officers grew frightened at lines of questioning involving hypothetical shooting situations. 

“D-d-d-d-did you say an armed 18-year old?” asked police lieutenant Charles Dabney, after plunging into a nearby bush following a misunderstanding of the topic at hand. “Here, let me give you my gun and you can throw it into the window and hope something good happens. You never saw me here, got it? Go find a teacher, it’s your only shot!” 

As of press time, a would-be school shooter was stopped by a teacher who beat him to death with the red team’s flag.

Desperate Paramount CEO Offers New Paramount+ Subscribers His HBO Max Password

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — The Chief Executive Officer for streaming service Paramount+ Brian Robbins issued a desperate plea for more subscribers today, offering any new customers his personal HBO Max password.

“I know Paramount+ doesn’t have much, but now we’re bundling with HBO Max in a special deal that you really shouldn’t tell Warner Bros. about,” Robbins said. “Look, maybe you poke around in my account for a little bit, watch some classic HBO original shows, and then pop over to Paramount for a little bit. Just give it a try, maybe you’ll like the Women’s Asian Cup Soccer playoffs, or whatever we have on our service. We’re cheaper than HBO, so you’d be saving money! Sign up for Paramount+ today and I’ll text you my password under the table. Sign up for a year and you can get in on my family’s Disney+ bundle. All I’m asking is you don’t mess up my queue, I worked really hard on it.”

Recent Paramount+ subscriber Helena Herschfeld described how the recent deal affected her decision to sign up for the service.

“I’m not a big Paramount fan, and I already have a HBO Max account, he just seemed so sad,” Herschfeld said. “It only got worse when I started going through his HBO account after getting his password. He watched all of Barry like three times in the last two months. This man is not well. I want to help him in any way I can, or at least in any way that doesn’t involve me watching a Paramount+ original show. I don’t want to help him that much. Even I have limits.”

At press time, a despondent Robbins was able to look on the bright side of things, like that thankfully he at least wasn’t the CEO of Peacock.

Podcaster Discovers Fresh, New Way to Be Wrong

Posted on by Andy Holt

AUSTIN, Texas — Listeners have praised local podcaster Devin Xavier of The Devin Xavier Conversation for his fresh, new approach to being completely incorrect.

“I just think it’s impossible to find socks that are full length anymore,” said Xavier in a recent episode. “Everybody is expected to hide their socks and show their ankles nowadays. Everyone. It’s all over the media. I turned on the TV last night and every single ad was like, ‘Hey, fellas, wear shorter socks.’ Like that’s going to fix things. Like that’s going to give our lives meaning. And meanwhile in most of Europe, I’m not an expert on this, but you can look it up—”

“Yeah, you can read about it,” said Benny, his co-host and younger cousin, speaking for his first and only time during the segment.

“Yeah, exactly. Look it up. Tall socks have been illegal in most of Europe for a long time. And if you go into Foot Locker, I think you’ll see the same thing is starting to happen here. See for yourself. That’s all I’ll say about that,” Xavier concluded, ending the 30-minute segment about his weekend trip to the mall.

Reviews from listeners were almost universally positive.

“I hate when podcasts make you wade through some true stuff before you get to the stuff that’s really wrong. Like, sometimes even Joe Rogan will have a guest who is on a book tour or whatever, and they’re an expert on some random topic. And sometimes it will take, like, an hour before Joe finds something to be totally off base about,” wrote avid podcast listener Derrick Houston, writing for the YouTube comment section. “Not with Devin. This guy knows what his listeners want: A contrarian opinion to repeat to the next person who talks to us. And he delivers. 5/5, perfect episode. Anybody who downvoted it should be executed.”

Other fans shared how Xavier’s show had improved their personal lives, opening them up to new ways of looking at the world that are wildly mistaken.

“Devin’s show was how I first learned about Kneeless Warrior Theory, which posits that basically, cavemen didn’t have knees. There are almost no reliable records of fossils being found with knees. That’s unless you want to believe archaeologists, many of whom benefit from a continued consensus around the knee issue,” said Gary P. Bruce, who plans to start his own podcast dedicated to the theory. “I don’t walk. I don’t spend time with people who walk. It’s only when you live without knees that you unlock your human potential.”

No critics of The Devin Xavier Conversation could be reached for comment, as there is no evidence any non-fans have ever heard of the program.

Study: Most Americans Now Believe Society Has Gotten Dystopian Enough to Start Adding “Neo” to Names of Cities

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

BERKELEY, Calif. — A new study from the University of California, Berkeley has revealed that a majority of Americans think that society is now dystopian enough to add “Neo” to the names of cities.

“Our study, which had thousands of participants from every race, gender, age group, location, income bracket, and political affiliation shows that it’s nearly unanimous that people think our country is now shitty and weird enough to start adding prefixes such as ‘Neo’ to major metropolitan areas,” said Tonya Li, head of the lab at the prestigious How Bad Does America Suck Institute. “We’ve already petitioned the school to change its name to the University of California, Neo Berkeley.”

When participants were asked to elaborate on the reasons why they feel society has reached this threshold, 72% responded with an exasperated sigh while giving a “look around” gesture, 20% said “Pffft! I mean come on!” and 8% broke down into tears.

“Most participants also mentioned that they were disappointed that we reached dystopian status without having flying cars, murderous replicants or the ability to have katanas pop out of your arms,” said research assistant Daniel Matthews. “People were pleasantly surprised by a few dystopian traits that are present, such as the plentiful amount of synthwave and neon colored mesh tank tops. Other than that, though, the cyberpunk genre did not prepare Americans for how much scrolling through Reddit they would be doing in the dystopia.”

While participants agree there should be cities with “Neo” in the name, there wasn’t consensus on which cities it should be.

“New York and Los Angeles were among the leaders, but there were a few surprise choices, such as Neo Tulsa and Neo Bellevue,” Li explained. “Pretty much everywhere seems to suck enough to add a Neo in front of the name.”

At press time, the HBDASI lab had published preliminary results on another study that says society may suck enough to start making teens have dumb names and fight each other.

New Game Similar to ‘Rogue’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — A new video game called Runaround is drawing comparisons to the 1980 procedurally generated game Rogue, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Runaround just released and it’s really cool, but I have no idea how to describe it other than to say it’s actually quite similar to the game Rogue, if I were to compare it to something. It’s very much like Rogue,” said games journalist Elena McDaniel. “Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not exactly like Rogue. In fact, you might call it a sort of ‘light’ version of Rogue. But that core mechanic of randomly generated areas for players to fight through — that’s something that both Runaround and Rogue have in common, for sure.”

According to Tayler Metcalfe, the solo developer who created Runaround, the game was indeed partially inspired by Rogue.

“I was playing around with Rogue, which I think was pretty well-received in the ’80s, and I was like… someone should make a game like this but with modern sensibilities! That’s when Runaround was born,” Metcalfe explained. “It’s crazy to think that no one has ever thought to make a game like Rogue in the last 40 years, but I’m happy to capitalize on that core mechanic. I just wish there was an easy way to describe it for people; I’ve been having a lot of trouble breaking down how the game works for people who haven’t played Rogue. You do short runs and the rooms are procedurally generated? People have been super confused, to say the least, unless they’re already familiar with Rogue.”

Some fans, however, have criticized the game.

“I hate Runaround,” said gamer Jim Hollis. “I wish it was like Halo. I like that game.”

At press time, Metcalfe announced that his next project would be something like a cross between Metroid and Castlevania, but with cutsier graphics.