Inscryption Fan Won’t Shut Up About Game They Can’t Talk About

Posted on by Peter Kemme

CINCINNATI, Ohio— Local gamer Luis Fonseca was once again caught talking for over an hour about 2021’s award-winning, deck-building, horror game Inscryption, despite his multiple claims that he can’t really tell you anything because he doesn’t want to ruin it for you.

“It’s something you just have to experience for yourself and the best way to do that is to go in blind. Don’t have any knowledge or expectations about it. Absolutely do not let anybody tell you anything about it,” explained Fonseca to weary friends. “The emotional places it takes you with just a card game is, well, I can’t say anything, but it’s incredible. I laughed. I screamed. I cried. I don’t want to give anything away, but I both felt like a kid again and was crushed by the existential dread that we are all destined to become nothing. You gotta play it! Sorry, am I talking too much? How have you guys been? Oh, wait, actually, hold on, let me just show you some Inscryption screenshots.”

After many collective hours of Fonseca vaguely explaining why Inscryption is so good it should be taught in schools, several of his friends have wound up playing it. Many agree it’s pretty good, but reportedly think Fonseca should “chill out,” especially after the game’s release on Linux and MacOS this past June reignited his passion. 

“It had some interesting ideas and definitely opened my mind to what a video game can be, but I wouldn’t say it changed my life so much, I weep for the poor fool I was before I played it, which is something Luis says. A lot,” said one of Fonseca’s friends. “I mean, yeah, I really dug the aesthetic and the ambiance of it. It really draws you in. There are certain things it does that I shouldn’t spoil, but… shit I’m doing the same thing Luis does aren’t I? I’m gonna leave before we’re here all day.”

Fonseca’s friends, family, and neighbors within a five-mile radius who haven’t played Inscryption yet are now prepping for the game’s August release on PS4 and PS5 by stockpiling earplugs, noise-canceling headphones, and peanut butter to keep Fonseca’s mouth busy, so they can get a few moments of peace.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital and if you’re one of the few people left who haven’t played Inscryption yet, oh man, you really gotta try it. It’s so cool. It’s basically a— actually, no, I don’t want to spoil it for you. You gotta play it for yourself. There’s one part where— no no no, sorry, I’m just gonna link you to the Steam page.

Fall Guys Adds Gulag Where Players Fight to the Death for Second Chance at Victory

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LONDON — Following its successful relaunch as a free-to-play cross platform title, Fall Guys has added a shockingly violent Gulag level that lets players earn the opportunity to re-enter a match if they win a one-on-one fight to the death with another player. 

“Wow, that was fucked up,” said Jack Butler, a gamer that’d just experience the new Fall Guys Gulag for the first time. “One of those big hammers got my ass in Slime Climb, and next thing I knew I was being dragged into a grimy room and given a shiv and I stabbed a bean that was dressed like an ice cream cone where I thought its heart might be. Then I got back into round three! Very cool, to be honest.” 

The mode was inspired by the similar mode in the vastly popular Call of Duty: Warzone. 

“Fall Guys and Warzone might not seem like they have too much in common, but developers are always taking influence from other games,” said Alice Marr, a lead developer at Mediatonic Limited. “Our game is quite light-hearted, and as such, earning a second chance back in after you lose doesn’t feel as unfair as it might in some other games. The fighting to the death takes some getting used to though, I’m being told.”

The new mode proved polarizing, with some applauding the shakeup to the game, and some saying it was a tonal misfire. 

“I don’t think I’m gonna play Fall Guys anymore,” said Rory Studemeyer, a longtime Fall Guys fan. “I can handle losing a lot, that’s part of the game, but I don’t want to beat people to death just so I can get back into a round of Tail Tag. It doesn’t really feel the same after that. If they wanted to do a second chance thing, why didn’t they just make a jump rope game or something?” 

As of press time, makers of Fall Guys said they planned on keeping the controversial Gulag intact, but would think about removing Sum Fruit on grounds of it being cruel and unusual.

Establishing Shot Clarifies Pentagon-Shaped Building Is the Pentagon

Posted on by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — Audiences were shocked and surprised today watching a new action/thriller film in theaters when text on-screen clarified that the pentagon-shaped building they were seeing in a drone shot was, in fact, the Pentagon.

“I was so confused at first,” said moviegoer Sandra Williams. “I was thinking ‘Huh? What is this strange, pentagonal office building? I don’t get it!’ until finally the digital text typed itself out onscreen and literally spelled it out for me. We’re seeing the Pentagon! Now I understand. I always think I’m viewing some regular, nondescript business pentagon that could be anywhere in the world, so it’s helpful that the filmmaker narrowed it down for me. Now if only it would say where in the country the building is located.”

The editor of the film, Brian Bodacker, explained some of the challenges with audiences the film presented.

“At first test screenings, people were frightened and befuddled,” Bodacker said. “In fact, they didn’t even realize that the building that they saw in the establishing shot was the building the next scene took place in. After we sat them down and talked them through it, they seemed to put their weapons down and relaxed a bit. Once we added the text telling them about the Pentagon, they were so excited about that twist.”

Studio head Andrew Chillner gave insight into some of the other landmarks that require clarification in films.

“We realized early on that audiences don’t want to be spoon fed,” Chillner said. “They want to be strapped down, and force-fed through a funnel. If at any second you find a filmgoer thinking ‘what’s happening? Maybe I should think, or just hang on and trust that it’ll be revealed in a second,’ fucking panic. If you give them even the smallest morsel of credit, they’ll use it to rebel against you.”

At press time, sources indicated that while the movie clarified the building was indeed the Pentagon with text, a black marker then blotted out the text like a cool government document so you know this is still top secret.

BREAKING: You’re Muted

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

ZOOM — A flurry of reports came in today that you are trying to speak after being called on in your morning team stand-up meeting, despite the fact that you are currently on mute. 

“It became very clear after only a few seconds after I asked you to tell us your KPIs from yesterday that you had no idea that you were muted,” said your boss, Alan. “I thought about saying something, but luckily, literally everyone else in the meeting let you know that we couldn’t hear you. I actually got a little secondhand embarrassment.” 

Several of your coworkers discussed the incident afterward in a Slack DM that you weren’t a part of. 

“I couldn’t believe they had no idea that they hadn’t unmuted themselves,” said Isabelle from the Content team. “I would understand making that sort of mistake a month into the pandemic, but we’ve been remote for over two years now! I always know when I’m muted and when I’m unmuted, that’s a fact. I swear to god if we have to go back to the office because of this I am going to lose my fucking mind.”

Maintaining communication and spontaneity in a virtual environment has been a challenge in today’s labor market, especially for dum-dums like yourself who don’t know where the unmute button is. 

“The Zoom platform allows teams to collaborate and improve workflows, no matter where they’re based in the world,” said Zoom Public Relations Director Jourdan Rosenfeld. “Our easy-to-use video conferencing software is so intuitive, you’ll never have a moment where you attempt to speak without unmuting yourself. That is if you’re not a complete idiot. Then there’s no helping you.”

At press time, you cut out there for a second, could you repeat that?

A Scientific Guide to Predicting the Next Big Indie Game Animal Protagonist

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

Question: if an independent games studio releases a game that prominently features a forest or woodland creature, is it truly an indie game? Obviously, no – but if you’re a cynic like me with any semblance of an online footprint then you know what I’m getting at. 

Take a look at the current indie game landscape and you’ll find a lot of animal protagonists these days. Case in point: here’s a list of 111 games on Steam where you can play as a fox. And for those of you that watched the Wholesome Direct this summer, you may have noticed a huge amount (at least 13) of frog-based games.

So foxes and frogs are popular. Sure, anyone could have told you that. But how did we get here? And where do we go from there? After spending more time than I’d care to admit consciously thinking about the future of animals in video games, I have devised a scientific metric to help figure that out. I’m going to definitively tell you what the next big animal to take the indie world by storm will be.

Case study: The fox

Before diving into my criteria, it’s important to study what’s working in the current indie animal landscape. Let’s start with the fox. Since 2017, it seems there has been no shortage of video games determined to capture the call of the wild. Picture this: you, the player, awaken to find yourself in a foreign and mystical land (likely the forest or mountains). If nothing other than the vague concept of an adventure is meant to beckon you, the atmosphere should reflect that. Wild winds & rippling rivers populate the environment, and also there’s always ruins and treasure chests. The world is mysterious yet exciting and inviting. 

You know what kind of animal thrives in this realm? The fox. Naturally curious yet cunning, foxes often symbolize survival and outwitting one’s environment or opponent, making them a perfect fit as the playable character for puzzle and exploration games. Tunic, Seasons After Fall and Endling – Extinction is Forever are perfect examples of this. Equally noteworthy is that literary history tells us foxes are often used as a surrogate for exploring human emotions, behavior and lessons in morality. This makes them a great companion to human-based protagonists for games like Rime and Never Alone.

Case study 2: The frog

“What’s NOT to love about frogs? They are so tiny. And cute. And helpful. And they just hang out and vibe.” 

This quote from Jenny Windom, organizer And Host Of Wholesome Games, perfectly sums up why those green little guys are everywhere these days. Take a game genre or mechanic and put a frog in it, and chances are it probably slaps. Monster hunting? Check out Paradise Marsh. Skateboards? Keep your eyes peeled for OllieFrog Toad Skater. Hell, even the upcoming Shoulder of Giants, which features a frog riding a robot, is being developed by a Hard Drive writer.

Like it or not – and chances are you love it – frogs are in our games, and they’re here to stay. Frogs are both comic and relaxing in nature, which is why they just seem to make sense in the Year of our Lord 2022. In a geo-political, socio-economic and cultural landscape world where everything is constantly on fire, playing a video game featuring some kind of frog or toad seems to be just what the doctor (or vet) ordered. 

Taking learnings from those two case studies, I began to build out a small set of criteria that our next big animal would need to fulfill. After lots of tinkering in the lab, I got it down to a slim three rules.

Criteria

1. The Animal Must Be Friendly Yet Willing to Act Out

Ok, let’s talk about Stray. There’s a lot of buzz around BlueTwelve Studio’s critically beloved game about a stray cat finding its way back home. And for good reason! The feline’s movements and the world populated by robots looks both engaging and charming as hell. So how might the simple household cat tick the above box?

Let’s look at our last two mascots. The fox was otherworldly yet human. The frog was simple yet versatile. Both capture the attitudes of the online landscape during the last decade (uncertainty and escapism respectively). With that established, it’s apparent the next creature should employ a dichotomy prevalent to today’s culture. 

Chaotic energy may be a term you’ve heard more than once these days. The new face of indie games is gonna be just that: an asshole. And to be fair, cats are total a-holes, but we love them. They’re domesticated, intended to survive by their proximity to humans who provide them with food and shelter. But they still act like they don’t need us. Some of them even roam it alone, and that’s what Stray seems to capture perfectly: the journey of a social creature surviving the world we’ve made for them on its own. 

So if you’re an animal looking to spearhead the next big indie game, take note. You should be comfortable around people, but just chaotic enough to throw them for a loop. 

2. It Has to be a Woodland Critter

This is where Stray loses its case. Cats sure are fun as heck to play as, and I have no doubts people are interested in seeing more games like Annapurna’s latest adventure release – but cats are not the future of indie games.

Sorry felines, but if you wanna be the cool kid in town, you’ve gotta come from the forest. Foxes and frogs? Both can be found in wooded ecosystems. And surprise surprise, so are other animals headlining more recent indie games. Take the bear, for example, who’s slated to appear in the upcoming Bear and Breakfast and Lumbearjack. Two juicy roles as a hotel manager and an ecoterrorist? Things are looking pretty good if you’re a bear right now. 

Remember Untitled Goose Game? That sucker was huge. And it had everything: a fun premise, great reception (and better sales), and charm out the wazoo. Know what else it had? An animal commonly found around freshwater areas. Do you know what kind of biome features rivers, lakes, and ponds? That’s right, the freaking forest.

If I were a woodland critter, I’d be calling my agent immediately.  

3. The Creature Starts with an F

Foxes. Frogs. 

Foxes. Frogs. 

FOXES. FROGS. 

Are you noticing a pattern? I sure am, and it’s that both of these animals start with the same letter of the latin-based, English-spoken alphabet. 

I know what you’re thinking. This guy’s insane. Fuck him. Guess what though, I’m not. Trends can be difficult to explain, but most often the simplest explanation is the best. Make no mistake, between 2023-2027, you will see an increase of indie video games heavily featuring animal characters that start with the letter F. 

And given our previously-established criteria, this bodes well for the Falcon, Finch, and Flying Squirrel. But ultimately, it’s the most promising for one guy in particular …

Result: The Ferret

 

Funny, furry, and furious, the ferret is an absolute slam-dunk for the next face of indie games to come.

Have you ever met a ferret, or seen a video compilation of one online? They’re adorable as pets, but they’re also huge dickwads. Constantly hiding and zigzagging around whenever they want to, ferrets roll the dice, and it’s their owners’ job to go along with it. And while ferrets mainly live in captivity, their close cousins known to us as the weasel, stoat, and badger do live in wooded areas. And if you haven’t noticed by now, ferrets begin with the letter F. 

Can you imagine a woodland-inspired RPG featuring a determined yet easily-frightened ferret as the main character? Or a cooking simulator where you play as a grumpy old ferret teaching his grandchild how to run their beloved family restaurant? I can, and if you’re a game developer or publisher reading this, hopefully you can too. 

Indeed, the world of ferret-based independent games is endless, but more importantly also makes sense. So the next time you notice a winsome little title featuring a black-footed ferret while perusing Steam, you’ll remember where you saw this before.

Prom Chaperone Desperate for Teen Approval Tells Dancing Couple to Leave Room for the Joker

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local high school social studies teacher Arlene Roberts reportedly told a dancing couple to leave room for Batman villain the Joker during a prom event.

“Hey y’all, we live in a society, so make sure you leave room for the Joker over there! Haha. Seriously, though, you can’t really make out like that,” Roberts was heard saying to the school’s most popular and reportedly horny couple at the school’s prom. “I’m not trying to, uh, cramp your style or nothing, dog. You guys are really cool, actually. I always wanted a boyfriend like you when I was a kid, Jake. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was weird. Am I being weird? Anyway, please, uh, leave room for Mr. J to do some crimes between you two.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Roberts has reportedly tried desperately to win the approval of various popular students at the school.

“One time she showed up to school wearing an ironic minions tee shirt. It was honestly really embarrassing. I rank her even below Mr. Gibbons, and that guy lit a kid on fire once,” said sophomore Ayisha Pitts. “I don’t think people even really care about the Joker anymore. That was a thing people were saying in 2020, I guess? I don’t know, I was born after The Dark Knight even came out and I’m almost technically an adult. These days, everybody I know is big into the Riddler. That guy’s twisted.”

School principal Tom Buckley explained that Roberts unfortunately cannot be replaced while the school is so short staffed.

“Of course, she’s being weird out there, but my hands are tied. We really need every teacher we can get, because boy oh boy are we not paying them much. So if her main motivation is that she feels cool by, quote-unquote hanging out with these teens, then we kinda just have to let her,” Buckley explained. “And don’t get me wrong — the teens are pretty cool. Some of them smoke cigs like they’re eating french fries. It’s like a building full of James Deans. I feel starstruck sometimes, and that’s hard for me to be, because one time I met Lou Ferrigno.”

As of press time, Roberts took to the dance floor by herself and did the stairs dance from the Joker movie by herself. 

James Webb Space Telescope Provides Stunning View Into Future of Desktop Backgrounds

Posted on by Davis Gold

GREENBELT, Md. –– Scientists at the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center have hailed the latest photographs from the James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) as the next era for humanity’s desktop backgrounds. 

“JWST offers an unprecedented look into the final frontier of human exploration: finding the sickest wallpapers for your computer,” said Senior Project Leader Ken Decker. “The future is bright for monitors everywhere. We are seeing Google results for ‘dope space desktop images 4K’ we never thought possible during the Hubble Space Telescope era. Back then, if you wanted a better picture of a nebula or galactic cluster for your desktop background, you had to imagine it in your head. I would often spend hours at work, staring at my wallpaper of the Carina Nebula, hypothesizing: ‘What if it were like that, but cooler?’ Thanks to this watershed moment in twenty-first century science, I no longer have to imagine.” 

For the team at Goddard, the scientific focus of their work has not detracted from the overwhelming sense of awe that the pictures inspire. 

“We actually have a viewing room in the facility used exclusively for the JWST images. There’s blackout curtains, lava lamps, and those new microgravity bongs the team over at Ames Research Center have been working on,” explained Deputy Engineer Lauren Hatakeyama over the sound of ‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie. “It’s vital that we curate an ideal viewing experience.”

When these photos of the distant heavens were released to the public, universal praise began to roll in immediately.

“I had just added a fourth monitor to my gaming setup when I got the Twitter notification about the JWST photos, so I guess you could say the stars aligned,” said local resident Patrick Roland, who now has the latest image of the Southern Ring Nebula set as his background. “And to think, I was about to take another screenshot of ‘Elite Dangerous.’ If JWST keeps taking money shots like these, I’ll have to buy a fifth monitor for the full experience.” 

As of press time, NASA had already announced the next space frontier — excavating your desktop background from beneath layers of Chrome browser windows.

Disappointing 23andMe Results Come Back 100% Redditor

Posted on by Andy Holt

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Reddit user Frank Dolan was terribly upset at the results of his recent 23andMe test, which confirmed there is no trace of anything but Redditor in his blood.

“Deep down, I hoped the test might discover a hint of something else in my family history. Anything else. I mean, what if I had found out some of my ancestors weren’t even Redditors at all? Just knowing that, man, it would have been so freeing,” said Dolan, holding the test results and weeping openly. “I feel like such a fool.”

Along with the results confirming Dolan’s worst fears, 23andMe also included an introductory pamphlet on Redditors throughout recorded history, written in awful Verdana font.

“As a member of the proud Reddit clan, you come from a long line of history’s most annoying twerps, assholes, and obnoxious know-it-alls. Legends tell of ancient Redditors who were able to carry on an argument for 20 years or more without rest, never once getting to the point,” read the pamphlet, headlined “We Are So Sorry.”

A spokesperson for 23andMe confirmed the results were accurate to the extent that current technology allows.

“We used every method at our disposal to search Mr. Dolan’s genetic code, looking for evidence that any of his ancestors could have been other things — artists, entrepreneurs, good friends to the people in their lives, upstanding citizens who make a difference in the world around them. Couldn’t find a trace, unfortunately,” said the spokesperson. “He’s applied to be a mod on like 10 different subs. Sorry, that’s a Redditor.”

Dolan later joined r/genealogy to get a second opinion on his results, but his post was removed for violating the rules listed on the sidebar.

Zelda Boss Not Too Happy About Being Called Evil by Guy Who Showed Up in Her Dungeon and Tried to Murder Her

Posted on by Kevin Podas

HYRULE — While minding her own business, the parasitic armored arachnid known as Queen Gohma was suddenly assaulted this week at the hands of a boy calling himself a hero.

“Literally all I was doing was scurrying around on the ceiling looking for sustenance,” said Queen Gohma. “This kid enters my room, starts shooting pellets at me with a slingshot, and the next thing I know, I have his tiny little sword sticking out of my big glowing eyeball.”

Gohma insisted that the reasoning behind the attack was flimsy at best.

“I heard the little fairy floating around his head tell the kid that I’m evil,” said Gohma, who had never wronged a fairy in her life, to the best of her knowledge. “Suddenly that gives him free rein to destroy my egg sacks, murder my children, and attempt to wipe me from existence? I’m just trying to feast on the roots of a wise and ancient tree here, is that such a crime?”

This was not the first reported instance of assault by the so-called “hero.”

“I accidentally left my front door unlocked — big mistake,” said one resident of the nearby Kakariko Village. “The kid shattered my ceramic pots, rolled into a large storage crate, and stole 20 rupees from me. Afterwards, I heard the fairy tell him I was ‘probably evil anyway.’”

The hero was last seen storming off in search of the Master Sword, also known as the Blade of Evil’s Bane, killing anyone who stands in his path without hesitation.

Celebrating 20 Years of Super Mario Sunshine Haters Being Wrong

Posted on by Kevin Podas

Super Mario Sunshine is celebrating its 20th anniversary today, which means now is a better time than ever to reflect on the game, its legacy, and how mean you all have been to it over the years.

Sunshine had some very big brown loafers to fill when it first launched. Following the monumental release of Super Mario 64, many Nintendo fans were expecting another grand slam. Spoiler alert: it totally was, and you can’t convince me otherwise. In lieu of Peach’s Castle, we would now see Mario wall-jumping and wahoo-ing his way around a vibrant seaside cityscape. You could even ride Yoshi in 3D for the first time ever! It was a revelation. What could people possibly find to hate?

Following its release on July 19th, 2002, reception was… divisive, and has largely remained as such in the 20 years since. People either love this game, or they hate it. They’re either totally right, or they’re totally fucking wrong.

Sorry, haters, Sunshine kicks ass

Look, Super Mario Sunshine is not a perfect game, okay? I’m strong enough to admit that much. It has some glaring flaws, which many will be quick to point out on Twitter before even opening this article (I see you). “What about that awful pachinko mini-game? The poison river? Blue coins?!” Yes, I hear you uncultured luddites. The game has a surprising amount of “jank” compared to the typical polish expected from a first-party, mainline Mario title. Yet so many gamers are quick to give a pass to the Sonic Adventure games which have entire physics engines built out of mud, or they’ll say “get good” when someone complains every time the camera in Elden Ring gets lost in a dragon’s asshole.

The platforming and exploration in this game are filled with wonder and glee, which is obvious to anyone with two eyes, two thumbs, and a heart. The game’s hub world, Isle Delfino, feels more lived-in than almost any other environment in the Mario series, making it ripe for discovery. But when some people think of Mario games, they simply think of running, jumping, and collecting coins. And sure, they’d be right to do so. But why limit the poor plumber? Why not give Mario a water jetpack to further calculate his jumps? Why not add an aiming mechanic to make boss fights more varied? Why not add an interesting story with an actual plot twist? Okay, maybe I’m overselling it just a little there.

Hope nobody gets paint all over this place.

Many are quick to criticize the game’s overuse of “beach theming” to its levels. Most Mario games have Mario (and sometimes even Luigi!) exploring a vast variety of environments and areas, so the critique is an understandable albeit completely wrong one. It lends itself to making the locations around Isle Delfino feel more like “real” places that you would totally want to relax in while sipping a big margarita. Sometimes you can even see one level in the distance while you’re in another (“Hey, I remember that place!” Yeah you do, bucko!) Areas feel less like “video-gamey” floating platforms, and more like actual vacation spots you’d want to hang out in, unless of course you also hate fun, in which case I see your point.

In a way, it’s a shame that Nintendo has mostly ditched this approach, likely due to poor sales figures (I’ll never forgive you all). The next mainline Mario game to be released was New Super Mario Bros on the Nintendo DS in 2006. We would see Mario return all the way back to his roots while keeping a few new tricks up his sleeve– likely a touch of Nintendo feeling the need to overcorrect a “problem”. Perhaps they mistakenly saw Super Mario Sunshine as a red-headed (or I guess red-hat-ed) stepchild.

Even the haters love the secret stages.

We never got a direct follow-up to Super Mario Sunshine, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The game’s unique flair and ability to piss off purists give it a lot of credibility to stand on its own among the Mario games, which in recent years, have become sort of same-y from time to time. And for those reasons alone, this “black sheep” of the herd is an unforgettable adventure that far too many sand-intolerant gamers have written off. 

So, do your civic duty today, and play Super Mario Sunshine. If, of course, you were lucky enough to participate in the ridiculous “timed release” that was Super Mario 3D All-Stars on the Nintendo Switch. You never know what you’ve got til it’s gone!