5 Pro-Level Fall Guys Strats to Help You Demolish Unsuspecting Children Like a Weirdo

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Guess what, gamers! The massively successful and fun platforming battle-royale game Fall Guys is back in the zeitgeist now that it has finally released on the Nintendo Switch and is free-to-play thanks to Epic Games and a whole bunch of expensive costumes you used to be able to get for free. And you know what that means, right? A bunch of unsuspecting children are logging on ready for you to destroy them in games that their grubby little hands aren’t prepared for. 

Because at the end of the day, Fall Guys is fun — but it’s not quite ever as fun as the times you defeat literal children with the strategies you learned on a website that they are not allowed to browse because it has a lot of jokes with the word “penis” on it. So without further ado, here’s five pro-level strats for Fall Guys that you can use if you’re some kind of weirdo who’s looking to try hard in this game for children. You know, until your MMR is high enough that you have to play with other adults.

You can straight up trick kids in Perfect Match

@plumpymoe

A different kind of griefing. #fallguys #fallguysmoments #perfectmatch #twitchstreamer #gaming

♬ original sound – Plumpymoe

Perfect Match is the Fall Guys game where all you have to do is memorize where fruits are on the ground and then stand on the one the game tells you to stand on. Problem is, children have very small brains and usually just look to whoever is confident and strong to be their leader. They simply do not possess the memorization skills required to remember where three to four flashing fruits are. So what you want to do is figure out where you’re supposed to stand, confidently jump to the wrong tile, and then escape to safety at the last second, watching all of your followers fall to their deaths. It’s never too early to teach children about the dangers of blindly following a stranger. And you can be that stranger.

You can skip two whole circles on Whirlygig

@urfavpolishboy

Reply to @postsfifa #fallguys #fallguystips

♬ Shootouts – speedllist

You’re running through Whirlygig and you see dozens of fools charging into the big yellow fan at the end of the level, only to be violently launched to the right when they don’t make it through. But you’re an adult playing Fall Guys, so you’re old enough to be able to win that game where someone offers you one marshmallow now or two marshmallows if you wait ten minutes. That’s why you go to the left immediately, to take the safer route with the three spinning circles. Well guess what? You can straight up skip those side circles by jumping left and then immediately diving to the right to get to that middle platform. That’s a goddamn pro-level Fall Guys strat if I’ve ever seen one. You’re going to the Fall Guys championships and you look like Will Ferrell in Elf.

You wanna skip that first ring in Ski Fall

OK so several Fall Guys mathematicians have been crunching the numbers to get the perfect Ski Fall run and it’s time for you to reap the benefits by watching a YouTube video that tells you exactly what to do. There are several strategies out there that involve completely ignoring the first ring in your first run for the golds and this video is an example of that. Feeble-minded children are not capable of the game theory involved in this level of Fall Guys play. They’ll see you walk right past that first ring and think “well that guy’s an idiot” right up until the moment they’re eliminated because they can’t even simple addition yet and you once knew how to do calculus, although admittedly, it’s been a really long time since you had to do it in high school. You remember something about derivatives. Anyway, the children in this Fall Guys round are jealous of your skill.

You can completely skip half of Freezy Peak

@mrkeroro10

Perfect Run Pico Helado en Fall Guys #parati #fypシ #mrkeroro10 #tiktok #otaku #gamer #streamer #stream #fallguys #gratis #fallguysmoments #fallguysgratis #fallguysclips #truco #protip

♬ sonido original – MrKeroro10

According to the guy in this video, you can jump up onto one of those snowball-makers in Freezy Peak and straight up jump to the end of the level. Personally, I haven’t tried to do it because I’m just trying to have some fun with my friends. But if you wanna get sweaty enough at Fall Guys to learn this kind of shit, you can grind out Freezy Peak until you make it your little bitch. Children will think you’re a hacker if they’re old enough to understand the concept of cheating already. Many children won’t even know they’ve lost the game; their parents just queue them up to play another round as soon as they’ve lost and they think it’s just a thing you run around in until time runs out. But the important thing is that you’ve won. You earned that hot dog costume.

You can become an invincible diving god in Tail Tag

https://www.tiktok.com/@fallguyszone1/video/7117562695276039429

If you really want to terrorize children in Fall Guys, you can just automatically win in Tail Tag by diving so often that it’s impossible to grab you. Kind of fucked up, to be honest. Doesn’t even look fun. This might even be considered cruel and unusual in some countries, as doing this to a child might ruin their brain to the point where they will never be able to hold a steady job as an adult. It’s probably evil. But who cares? You’ve got a tail and you cannot be tagged. Enjoy your crown, buddy. You’re the lord of the flies. 

EA Sends Tone Deaf Email Asking Gamers for $15

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Electronic Arts has upset many of its long-time supporters by sending a tone-deaf email asking gamers to pledge $15 to them for no discernible reason at a time most of them are underwhelmed with their offerings.

“Hey gamers, it’s us,” began the egregious fundraising email sent to over 60 million gamers that had previously registered an EA product. “We are in between marquee releases and high profile DLC rollouts right now, and we were just checking in and wondering if we could count on you for a one time pledge of $15? The funds will go towards making sure we continue to deliver you the best games year in and year out, and frankly we can’t do it without the support of grassroots gamers such as yourself.” 

Gamers everywhere said this was the final straw for them supporting the software giant, who’s name has in recent years become synonymous with boundaryless microtransactions and frustrating decision making. 

“Wow, this is just so typical of them,” said Ed McCall, one of many gamers to be offended upon receiving the email. “I’ve been stuck playing their football game for years because it’s literally the only option, but now they’re just cold calling and asking for money? This seems like if we keep rewarding them, they’re never going to learn and change themselves into a good game company. I’m gonna start playing modern Tecmo Super Bowl ROMs or something, fuck this.” 

Executives at EA stood by the decision to send out the email despite not having any new content to sell at the moment. 

“I understand where the backlash is coming from,” said Andrew Wilson, CEO of Electronic Arts. “But you have to understand, we here at EA depend on the support of gamers to ensure that we are able to release slightly different versions of games that should have been overhauled years ago. Without their support, that’s simply impossible. When we work together, we can make the gaming world a better place. But we just really need that $15, you know? That’s first and foremost.” 

As of press time, Wilson responded to the press’ questions about the controversial emails by taking a knee and reading a Maya Angelou poem. 

Nintendo Announces “M” on Mario’s Hat Stands for Metroid

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has put to rest years of speculation by announcing today that the “M” on their flagship character Mario’s hat stands for “Metroid.” 

“We understand many people assumed it stood for Mario, which couldn’t be more incorrect,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the Mario character. “We’d known we wanted to make Metroid since the early days, so we thought it’d be a fun little easter egg to have Mario wear a hat that supports one of our other big upcoming projects, sort of a cross promotional thing.” 

“Everyone fell in love with his look,” he added. “So we kept that Metroid hat on him all these years.” 

Fans were shocked at the revelation. 

“Wow, I just always assumed it was an M for Mario,” said Zaneta Jackson, a long time Mario fan. “But I guess it really goes to show you shouldn’t make any assumptions. You just figure it’s an initial thing or something. But wait, no one would ever wear a big red hat with an M on it and think it somehow read as a Metroid thing. Metroid is one of my favorite series of games, and I’ve absolutely never heard of that. That’s why this is so weird to me.”

The notion that the letter on Mario’s hat was a reference to his name was thought preposterous by many at Nintendo. 

“It’s a letter on a cap, since when is that what it meant?” asked Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “You know those guys you see with B’s on their hats? They’re not named Bob or Bill, they’re actually fans of the Boston Red Sox. This is ridiculous, this assumption that Mario would need to remind the world of his first initial constantly. Nope, it’s just a Metroid hat.” 

As of press time, Bowser also clarified that the “L” on Luigi’s hat stands for “Litigation,” a reminder of Nintendo’s zero tolerance policy when it comes to their intellectual property. 

It’s Been Ten Years Since Dishonored Taught Me to Love Rats and Hate the Government

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Ten years later, walking through the streets of Dishonored’s Dunwall feels like a deja-vu-ridden fever dream. Players enter the gothic industrial city, which provides the setting Arkane’s masterful 2012 immersive sim, during the height of a plague. City authorities either fail to successfully contain the plague or simply deny it outright out of fear or personal gain, all while the corpses continue to pile higher. You know, some light escapism from our current reality.

Dishonored’s parallels to 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic are clear, and have already been written about by people much smarter than us. Going forward, it will be nigh impossible to play the game without the pandemic in the back of our collective minds. It’s a real shame, since Dishonored’s social commentary was already biting when it was released ten years ago.

Also it’s filled with rats. And rats kick ass.

Dishonored puts players behind the spooky skull mask of Corvo Attano, the Royal Protector of Empress Jessamine Kaldwin. Kaldwin has about a minute of screen time before a group of steampunk cybergoths stab her through the gut in the game’s prologue. Since he’s an early 2010s silent protagonist, Corvo doesn’t so much as flinch when he’s blamed for the murder and dumped in prison. 

From there, Dishonored is your oyster. You’re welcome to Michael Myers your way through things, but like a good rack of ribs, it’s best to take the low and slow approach to the game’s nine wide-open missions. The stealth gameplay is top-notch, but staying restrained also lets you observe Arkane’s excellent worldbuilding. 

You’ll see things like cops harassing women, and cops being cruel to animals, and cops getting drunk on the job, and cops putting on stilts and firing explosive arrows into crowds of people, and – 

Wait, is Dishonored anti-cop? No, not at all. Dishonored isn’t just anti-cop. Dishonored despises anyone with any kind of authority whatsoever. Politicians, the military, religious leaders, aristocrats; “fuck em, they’re all the pricks”  the game says before gleefully tasking you with burning it all down.

In terms of commentary, Dishonored is more Spitting Image than Bioshock, leaning heavily into absurd yet still plausible situations in its satire. In the “Return to Dunwall Tower” chapter, it’s revealed that Dunwall’s rat plague was caused by Royal Spymaster turnered Lord Regent Hiram Burrows, who shipped the infected rats over from a far-flung continent. Why? Because he thought it would curb the poverty level. Burrows only decided to have the empress killed and take power as a means to cover up his own fuck-up.  

Dunwall’s elites chose a bafflingly stupid solution to a complex issue, and it’s the ordinary people who suffer for it. That rats themselves are innocent, and oftentimes helpful. You can summon a swarm to attack enemies or eat a body. 

Dishonored’s endgame twist rewards players who have been keeping up with its outward disdain for authority. Assisting you on your revenge against the conspiracy to frame is a second group of conspirators supposedly aiming to bring the empress’s daughter, Emily Kaldwin, back into power. Dishonored wants you to be suspicious and see right through these assholes, especially since they personally benefit from your hits. Sure enough, your former allies spike your drink and dump you in Dunwall’s Flooded District. There’s no circumventing the poisoning, Corvo is another aloof goon afterall, but the betrayal is still satisfying even if you predict it. It’s a great, if a little unsubtle twist that’s directly in line with what Dishonored has to say. 

Dishonored is a game about power, and it has a low opinion of anyone who abuses their power, including the player. Many will remember the game’s “chaos system,” which changed the gameworld and story based on the player’s in-game actions. There’s nothing stopping you from turning every NPC into ragu, but the game will punish your actions with more enemies and a worse ending. Dishonored gives you an awesome set of tools and powers, but it also gives you a question — “are you going to abuse your advantages like all these other loathsome dickheads?” 

As games continue to tackle complex themes and make more nuanced statements, Dishonored’s sledgehammer approach to political criticism is a wonderful change of pace. Arkane has been cagey about the future of the franchise, but leaving a franchise with two fantastic games and some excellent DLC isn’t bad at all. If gaming is a family, then Dishonored is the cool cousin who laughs as the world turns to ratfood from behind the Zumiez cash register.  

Controversial Spider-Man: No Way Home Deleted Scene Shows All the Uncle Bens Rotting in Hell

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A controversial deleted scene from 2021’s hit film Spider Man: No Way Home has been released online that portrays all previous cinematic portrayals of the Ben Parker character rotting in Hell. 

“Oh god, Peter, it burns all day and I feel every bit of it!” yelled Uncle Ben, played by Martin Sheen in the version of Uncle Ben seen in The Amazing Spider-Man films in the newly leaked scene, which features the collection of Peter Parker’s makeshift father figures chained together in a burning hellscape. “Whatever you do, use your power to make sure you don’t end up here with us and all of the Uncle Bens from every timeline.” 

“As well as the people that were into the wrong religion,” he added. 

The scene was cut from the film shortly before arriving in theaters for being too intense for the film, among other reasons. 

“I hated to lose the scene of the Uncle Bens burning in Hell, but it just slowed the film down too much,” said director Jon Watts. “We have so much going on, with different Spider-Mans and returning characters and everything else, I just couldn’t figure out the best place to put the scene. I am still really proud of it though and I think it works really well. Also, they were gonna give us an R rating, so we cut it out. They said there was too much screaming and burning skin and bones sticking out of people.”

“It’s too bad, really, because we filled it with so many hilarious memes,” Watts said. “I think fans would have gone nuts in the theater when they saw Raised-Arms-Elmo hanging out in Hell with the Bens.”

MCU fans had mixed reactions to the bold scene. 

“On one hand, it’s a little intense having this much mortality in a Marvel movie, especially for no particular reason,” said Grant Robinette, a local MCU fan. “But I can’t help but be thrilled at the fact that there’s three of them, which does confirm that the Tom Holland Spider-Man had an Uncle Ben, something we’ve actually never known for sure. Peter’s suitcase in Far From Home had the initials ‘BFP’ on it, but it was never officially stated. So that’s a nice bit of trivia for the fans. Shame they’re all rotting in Hell, though.” 

As of press time, the 37-minute scene had been uploaded in its entirety to YouTube.

Guy Who Hates Everyone Equally Surprised to Discover the Feeling Is Mutual

Posted on by Stephen Bell

BELLEFONTAINE, Ohio — Local misanthrope Scott Dempsey was surprised to discover earlier today that his favorite sarcastic one liner about “hating everyone equally” is a mutual feeling shared by everyone else back at him.

“I have to say, when I made that silly post on Reddit about not being racist because I hate everyone equally, I really wasn’t expecting to get that bounced right back at me so quickly,” said Dempsey, taken aback by the immediate inflow of downvotes to his posts and follow-up comments. “I was at least expecting to get a little of the ol’ gold for my troubles for sharing such a witty line with the crowd. Can’t anyone take a joke these days?”

Dempsey’s fellow Redditors were not quite as amused by his line as he was.

“We all know that he was kidding, but what we really hate about him is that he’s a trite hack who makes the same joke in every comment thread,” said fellow Redditor Lisa Johnson. “Whenever there’s a discussion about racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, or pretty much any other phobia, he always shares the same hilarious joke. We’ve had enough. If he’s going to claim to be the world’s biggest bigot, then we’re going to play along and treat him as such for hundreds of angry replies. There need to be consequences.”

Moderators on Reddit have actually noticed what a positive effect the community’s shared hatred of Dempsey has had.

“Because he’s such a consistent commenter on threads that set him up to make that stupid joke, it’s actually become a real morale booster for users to complain about Dempsey’s posts”, said r/FuckScottDempsey moderator Calvin James. “I’ve heard several stories about people making friends and starting Discord servers because they bonded over hating how often that guy showed up in comments to trot out that dumb fucking joke. It’s great to see people connecting online even if it’s just to shun an asshole together.”

At press time, a sleuthing Redditor discovered through some of Dempsey’s problematic early posts that his ‘equal opportunity’ bigotry was actually just the regular kind.

YouTuber’s Friend in This One

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

SOUTH BEND, Ind. — Local YouTube fan Jane Knoebel was mildly concerned after seeing that the latest video from popular video game YouTuber KoalaTitan features an appearance from the content creator’s friend. 

“I was super excited to watch the new ‘All Yoshi Games Ranked’ video, but I gotta say, my eyebrows raised just a little bit when some guy who is clearly a friend of Koala’s showed up as ‘Adult Baby Mario,” said Knoebel as she waited for an ad about how vaping can deliver toxic metal like lead into your lungs to end. “I don’t dislike the guy, it’s just that the channel isn’t called KoalaTitan and Friend, you know what I mean? 

Other fans reportedly felt differently about the appearance, seeing it as an exciting change of pace for the Nintendo-focused YouTuber.

“You know when Koala’s friend shows up that you’re going to see some really creative funny stuff,” said KoalaTitan Discord user CaptFalco06. “It makes me think about how if I was friends with him, he’d totally let me be a character in a skit. I’m like, super funny.” 

Knoebel maintained her skepticism, continuing her critique of the online video content released online weekly at no cost. 

“I’ve suffered through horribly paced ad breaks and canned ‘What are you doing in this video?’ crossovers with other channels, but I just don’t know if I can make it through this sketch with an adult man I kind of recognize in a diaper.”

At press time, Knoebel had reportedly fast-forwarded one minute in the Yoshi video to a point where the friend was no longer on screen. 

Cat Walking Over Keyboard Gets First “All Achievements” Run in Stray

Posted on by Davis Gold

NEW YORK –– BlueTwelve Studio has confirmed that the first ever All Achievements run of its hit feline adventure game, Stray, has been claimed by a cat walking back and forth over a keyboard. 

“It’s just the craziest thing,“ said streamer Robin Callaway, the proud owner of the cat in question. “I always knew Cha Cha was capable ever since she learned to tip over the automatic cat food dispenser, but I’ve never seen anything like this. I leave the apartment for one day to go upstate with friends, and I come back to find that Cha Cha had somehow got on my PC, bought Stray on Steam, turned on my recording equipment, logged into Twitch, and streamed herself 100%ing the game in front of thousands of viewers. Cats are so weird.” 

Twitch users who watched the playthrough live corroborated this amazing feat. 

“Cha Cha had a fantastic stream presence,” said chat audience member Philip Matthews, “I was glued to my seat the entire time. You couldn’t risk missing a moment of the action. You only hoped you had some empty Mountain Dew bottles lying in arm’s reach when nature called.” 

The entire stream totaled several runs over a period of 24 hours, 16 of which Cha Cha spent sleeping. 

“Whenever she was woken up by the non-stop sound of Twitch donation notifications, she would pace around the keyboard and bat at the mouse,” Matthews explained. “Her first two runs were great, but when she finished the game in 90 minutes on her third attempt while collecting all 24 achievements, it put my opposable thumbs to shame. I got chills one time when I’m pretty sure she meowed my name right after I commented.” 

The team over at BlueTwelve Studio was captivated by Cha Cha’s natural affinity and ability for Stray, inspiring some unconventional changes in their own workstyles. 

“We already have cats in the office, so we told the developer team to start assigning them projects,” said a BlueTwelve producer. “They’ve been helping out with everything — playtesting, writing code, level design — you name it. The work ethic has been a bit lackluster, but Falafel and Wingnut have really taken a liking to the motion capture suits.”

“I guess that’s on us, too, a little bit,” they added. “All the resumes we looked at were from cats whose only work experience was guarding bodegas from rats.”

As of press time, Cha Cha was tweaking off catnip and could not be reached for comment.

How to Get Your Precious, Stupid Little Head Stuck in a Paper Bag in Stray

Posted on by Minus World

Stray is out now and, predictably, it’s the internet’s favorite video game. Annapurna Interactive’s feline-adventure is filled with little nuances that’ll make any cat lover incessantly start talking about how their own cat does the same thing (oh your cat also knocks things over? Get in line). Is the game good? Who cares, it has a cute as shit cat who does cute cat shit.

And speaking of cat shit, Stray does have a list of trophies that’ll reward you for all your cat behaviors. Nap for an hour? Trophy. Meow 100 times? Ding. Dunk a basketball? Well, okay that one’s more of a golden retriever thing, but you’ll get an achievement nonetheless.

But one of the game’s trickier achievements is called “Curiosity Killed The Cat.” To get this, you’ll simply need to get stuck in a paper bag. Easy, right? Well you try finding a lunch bag in the middle of a crowded cyberpunk city, bub. If you’re having trouble checking this one off your list, here’s where you can easily find one.

Where to find the paper bag

There are a few opportunities to get hopelessly stuck in a bag during Stray, but your easiest bet will happen in Chapter 4. That’s where you’ll enter The Slums, the game’s first open-ended area. If you’ve already blazed past that point, you can select the chapter when loading your save file.

In the spirit of cats, Stray likes to annoy you by refusing to give you a map, so you’ll have to know your landmarks. The slums have a notable landmark in the form of a big honkin’ elevator shaft that’s lit up at the back of the city. You’ll want to head there. While you’re facing it, turn left and head down the set of stairs. You should see a cool as hell robot dude sitting down holding a guitar (he has dreads and I am dying to know if someone is going to discourse about it).

While facing that big boy, turn to your right and look just past the sign in front of him. You should notice an object you can interact with sitting against a wooden box (look for a thin white circle). That’s bag city, baby! Head over to it, press the interact button, and you’ve just gotten lost in paper hell.

Sure, the rush of joy you’ll feel from seeing that trophy notification pop up will be worth it, but there’s a better reason to do this: it’s funny as hell. Sticking your head in the bag will momentarily invert your controls, causing you to fumble around like a little precious idiot. It’s how your cat feels anytime it sneaks into your takeout bag, so this will really let you see how the other half lives.

As a twofer here, there’s a widdle-biddy napping spot right next to the guitar dude. So if you’re a real trophy fiend, plop your little butt right down there and leave the controller for an hour to get the napping achievement too. You can have that tip for free, as a treat.

I Regret To Inform You That Kingdom Hearts Nonsense Is Just Final Fantasy Nonsense

Posted on by Gabe Porter

With the impending release of Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, the next installment of the increasingly inaccurately named FF7 Remake project, fans are worried that it might get bogged down by what they deem an invasive species of sorts. That species? Kingdom Hearts. 

To some, Kingdom Hearts director Tetsuya Nomura has weaseled his way into a position of power in the FF series just to ruin the reputation of every 90’s child favorite JRPG (well, second behind Pokemon I guess). What are the common symptoms of infection? Timeline shenanigans, multiple versions of a character, the ever bland and passe conceit of capital L Light vs capital D Darkness And worst of all? The power of friendship and bonds always saving the day. All these cliches and concepts are ones fans would never want to see in a series as sophisticated and mature as Final Fantasy.

Unfortunately, I have the unenviable job of telling you the truth. All this nonsense that you are dreading? It has been in Final Fantasy way before Kingdom Hearts could ever be conceived in that fateful elevator ride with a Disney executive. 

The first Final Fantasy features time loops and Warriors of Light. Final Fantasy IV has you face the physical manifestation of darkness inside your heart. Final Fantasy IX includes a location made of everyone’s memories woven together. Yes, even Final Fantasy VII has some variation of these elements. The Lifestream being a suitable comparison to the titular Kingdom Hearts. Both are composed of those who have passed, acting as a sort of catcher’s mitt for the souls (or hearts) of all. Both are also in danger of being misused by the white-haired antagonists for their own selfish goals. And of course, almost every Final Fantasy follows a group of people whose bonds and friendship help them band together to face the final bad guy.

I don’t know, sounds pretty Kingdom Hearts to me!

Kingdom Hearts was released in 2002 and made (and will continue to make) several thousands very mad. By taking the base elements of a Final Fantasy and distilling it into the animated canon of Disney, we began to see how silly some of these concepts are and can be. Having Goofy and Donald talk about world ending cataclysms and the power of light instead of a beautiful bishonen might be part of the reason why. Having these all-ages cartoon animals be integral to the story made some believe that Kingdom Hearts is a “kiddie” game with “kiddie” themes and elements.

To imply that Kingdom Hearts began these tropes would ignore the fact that these are abundant in Final Fantasy too. Kingdom Hearts is essentially a love letter to the various themes and ideas that Final Fantasy has. It respects those ideas and brings them all to the forefront, expanding and exploring them. When you complain that Final Fantasy is becoming as convoluted as Kingdom Hearts, you are complaining about Final Fantasy. 

Here’s a recent example. A trailer for Kingdom Hearts IV reveals that Sora has been transported to another world, one that is explicitly described as an afterlife proxy. Now, Final Fantasy would never do something as silly as shoving a main character through a portal into an afterlife-esque alternate dimension, right? Please do not ever play FFX and my point will remain valid. 

Yeah, you could argue that these series have gone off the rails, but were they ever truly on them to begin with?

Yes, you should expect that same level of unhinged storytelling from Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, but that’s not because of Tetsuya Nomura. These are the things that make Final Fantasy, well, Final Fantasy. Nomura isn’t conspiring to destroy your precious memories of running around Gongaga or Nibelheim; he’s just amplifying that experience to a thousand percent with his meta remake. No matter what happens in FFVII Rebirth, it will be 100% Final Fantasy, because it’s a series built on enjoyable nonsense.

Maybe it’s not the series that has changed. Maybe it’s you.