Hey #SnyderCut Bots, Can You Get These Things We Want Made Next?

Posted on by Minus World

You’re going to want to sit down for this one. Remember the way-too-intense #ReleaseTheSnyderCut social campaign that convinced HBO to let director Zack Snyder drop a four hour cut of Justice League, a universally panned movie that flopped at the box office and was part of Snyder’s larger DC Cinematic Universe that was declining in quality with each film? According to a new Rolling Stone report, that rabbid army of Snyder enthusiasts may have been — brace yourself — largely fake.

It turns out that The Flash entering the Speed Force may not have been the most cheer-worthy movie moment after all.

Per the report, the internet campaign was fueled by bots — and Snyder himself may even have been a puppetmaster behind it. The report notes that at least 13% of accounts that tweeted about the Snyder Cut campaign were fake in some way. So if you got into a heated online debate with a Snyder fan in the last few years, you may have quite literally been arguing with a computer.

There’s two ways to look at this story. On one end, you could see it as somewhat grotesque, with Snyder weaponizing fan culture to gaslight the world into thinking people like his movies. The report includes some dark details about fans (possibly real ones) sending photos of beheaded executives to their children — a pretty disturbing way to cope with the fact that you didn’t get to see the “my mom’s name is Martha” guy’s unclouded vision.

Or… you could sit back and enjoy what gullible suckers Hollywood executives are. All it took was a lot of tweets to bully some rich people to spend $70 million on a recut of a bad movie that Warner Bros. already wasted $300 million on. It’s that kind of misunderstanding of how the internet works that also got Sony to waste money re-releasing Morbius in theaters, mistaking an ironic shitpost for sincere interest in a Jared Leto vampire movie.

So, why fight them when we can use the Snyder Army to our advantage? If we’re truly living in a world where companies see creative decisions as a statistics game, then why not manipulate the data? With that in mind, we formally submit this list of things we want to the Snyder Bot Army. Do you think you could flex your power to get some of these done? We’ll even make some hashtags for you.

  • #ReleaseHalfLife3
  • #ReleaseMother3
  • #ReleaseBloodborneForPC
  • #ReleaseDonkeyKong64Remake
  • #ReleaseThe1994FantasticFourMovie
  • #ReleaseVicariousVisionsFromBlizzard
  • #ReleaseAGamePassAppForSwitch
  • #ReleaseMorbiusAgain #WeWereBusyLastTime
  • #ReleaseSeasonThreeOfTheAdventuresOfPeteAndPete
  • #ReleaseTheDayTheClownCried
  • #ReleaseSomePS5sSoWeCanFinallyGetOne
  • #ReleaseTheRestofSufjanStevensFiftyStatesAlbums
  • #ReleaseVinceMcMahonFromTheWWE
  • #ReleaseTheKojimaCut
  • #ReleaseTheKubrickCutOfEyesWideShut
  • #ReleaseALasagnaEmoji
  • #ReleaseASynopsisOfKingdomHeartsSoIDontHaveToPlayIt
  • #ReleaseTheMcRibBecauseItsBeenAWhile
  • #ReleaseThoseMurderHornetsForFun
  • #ReleaseMyDadFromWhateverWorkTripHesBeenOnFor20Years
  • #ReleaseAnyoneLockedUpInPrisonForDrugCharges
  • #ReleaseUniversalHealthcare

Thanks for the help, SnyderVerse.

Six Dead After Hotline Miami Tiny Desk Concert Sends NPR Employees Into Enraged Bloodlust

Posted on by Camden Brazile

WASHINGTON — A recent NPR Tiny Desk Concert turned into a bloodbath when the Hotline Miami soundtrack performance sent NPR employees into a murderous rage.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said NPR employee Aidan Kriss. “The blaring synths and pounding bass just had me pick up whatever was nearest and smash it over someone’s head immediately. All those cute, retro tchotchkes that litter the cozy NPR set are now splattered with musician blood. The cops eventually came, but I clobbered one with a crowbar before kneeling over him and finishing the job. After the song ended, I was horrified to see what I’d done.”

“And I don’t think I did anything more than tap my foot when Idles and Turnstile came by,” Kriss added.

The game’s soundtrack designer, Jasper Byrne, told reporters his side of how the unfortunate night spiraled out of control.

“People were really enjoying the upbeat techno at first,” Byrne said. “Something about a coke-fueled murder anthem really set people at odds with each other. That’s also a majority of the soundtrack so, it didn’t get much better over time.

Tiny Desk lead organizer Teddy Fellows explained why he booked the indie game’s soundtrack to be performed in the first place. 

“Usually we host these quiet, warm acoustic sets from famous artists,” Fellows said. “But I got a mysterious answering machine message last night from an unknown number telling me to book this act, when I asked who or what was happening, I just heard a click and a dial tone. Ever since, I’ve had these weird visions and cryptic messages. I think I’ve killed every night this week.”

At press time, sources at NPR expressed that everything had been repaired just in time for next week’s Tiny Desk concert of the Hotline Miami 2 Soundtrack.

This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. Have you played Hotline Miami? NO?! Bro, are you serious? It’s one of those games you have to play. It’s sick, dude, you’re gonna love it. I’m sending you the link to the Steam page right now. It’s straight up $10. Let me know when you play it. I wanna hear your thoughts on it. Oh my god, and the soundtrack?! OK OK I’ll stop, just check it out.

Sony Reminds Gamers That It’s Okay to Put Your Nintendo Switch in a Microwave

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Sony issued a statement today reminding gamers that there really isn’t any good reason they can’t put their Nintendo Switch in the microwave. 

“Go ahead, it’ll probably be fine,” said Jim Colinwood, a spokesperson for Sony. “We’ve all seen that photo of the Game Boy that survived the Iraq War. That was like five or six generations of handheld gaming ago, it’s almost certainly gotten better, right? So if you’re feeling bored or left your Switch in a cold room, it’s probably totally fine to zap it for 30 seconds or something.” 

The announcement was merely the first part of a new campaign designed to encourage gamers everywhere to put their Nintendo Switch’s into their microwave. 

“Hi guys, Crash Bandicoot here,” said the iconic Sony mascot in the beginning of an animated video that was uploaded to YouTube earlier today. “You know, the PlayStation 5 might have the most powerful hardware and best exclusive titles of any console, but there’s one thing that it can’t do, and we have to give credit where it’s due here. This video is just a little salute to our friends at Nintendo, and how cool we think it is that it’s totally fine to cook your Switch in the microwave.” 

Some consumers reportedly were skeptical of Sony’s intentions for announcing that you could microwave your Nintendo Switch safely. 

“I’m pretty sure they’re just fighting dirty,” said Ted Kenneth, a longtime Switch owner that didn’t plan on microwaving his. “I think they can’t make enough PlayStation 5’s to keep up with demand and they’re losing business to Nintendo. They can’t keep up, so they’re trying to disrupt the marketplace. I can’t help but think this is a disruption that’s going to lead to some pretty serious house fires. This seems really irresponsible.” 

As of press time, Sony had also announced that you could chuck your XBox Series X right off of your roof and nothing bad would happen. 

Amazon Driver Plays ‘Death Stranding’ for Escapism of Being Able to Pee Wherever He Wants

Posted on by Matt Shore

AKRON, Ohio — A local Amazon delivery driver reportedly became enraptured playing the deluxe re-release of Death Stranding after discovering that the game fulfilled his long-time escapist fantasy of being able to pee wherever and whenever he wants.

“Death Stranding’s delivery worker apocalypse is pretty much a direct analog for my day-to-day experience, except for the unlimited bathroom breaks,” said Vincent DiMarco, 28, weeping with glee just recalling the forgotten feeling of freedom the game had provided him. “That part makes it a beautiful fantasy world that I want to spend endless hours in. I even put on my headphones to hear my stream in full 3D, which really adds to the immersion.”

DiMarco’s fondness for Death Stranding’s urination feature only grew when he realized that part of the game’s asynchronous multiplayer meant that mushrooms would grow for other players wherever he left his mark.

“You mean to tell me that other people who play this are able to see evidence of my urination, and it’s something beautiful that people want to contribute to? That’s absolutely incredible. Working at Amazon, you are trained to become so ashamed of all of the waste that your body produces and to hide it from everyone at all costs. Meanwhile, Sam Porter Bridges uses his shit and sweat to kill ghosts and people cheer when he has to go. Hideo Kojima is a genius.”

However, DiMarco notes that one downside of connecting with Death Stranding is that it’s made him notice how lonely his real-world drives are compared to the companionship offered by the game’s iconic Bridge Baby character.

“I started strapping my Amazon truck piss jugs to my chest because I was curious what carrying the baby felt like,” DiMarco said, “But when I showed up at people’s houses they would usually give me funny looks, hold their noses, or recoil in horror. It’s amazing how pompous people with Flush Privilege can be.”

At press time, DiMarco was trying not to think too much while driving about his second favorite feature in the game which involves letting your exhausted protagonist go to bed.

Rockstar Announces Grand Theft Auto 6 Will NOT Feature Mario

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Developers of the long awaited Grand Theft Auto VI have announced that the upcoming installment of the popular series will not feature famous Nintendo character Mario. 

“There’s still plenty we don’t know about this game, but one thing we can tell you is that Mario is not going to be in there,” said Dan Houser, an executive producer of the series. “Truth be told, that was one of the first things we got together and talked about, and on top of not knowing if we’d be able to pull it off legally, we just didn’t know if it’d be the right tone for GTA 6.” 

“Maybe next time, who knows,” he added. 

Fans were largely disappointed, but mostly understood the motivation to keep the traditionally family friendly plumber out of the mean streets of Grand Theft Auto. 

“Oh, that’s a bummer, but I get it,” said Kamryn Rice, a longtime fan of the GTA series. “I mean, someone is gonna make that mod a month after the game comes out anyway, so I understand if Rockstar doesn’t want to go through the headache of officially putting Mario in there. Oh, it’d be so cool if we did get him legit though, with voice acting and everything else. Damn, the more I think about it the more I wish they’d put Mario in there. Maybe they’ll change their minds.” 

Long time Mario voice actor Charles Martinet helped fuel the ongoing speculation that Mario might appear in Grand Theft Auto VI with his positive response to the possibility.

“I am begging them to reconsider,” he said, of Mario’s exclusion from the highly anticipated open world crime game. “I have sent them tapes and tapes of myself saying fucked up things about sex and America in the Mario voice. They say they’re not interested, but maybe if they listen to my stuff they’ll at least let me host a radio station on there or something. Let’s keep the pressure on them, everybody.” 

As of press time, Rockstar insisted that they weren’t going to include Mario in Grand Theft Auto VI. They have not, however, said whether or not Solid Snake was going to be in there. 

Stranger Things 4’s Dumbass Release Schedule Actually Worked for Me

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

Stranger Things’ first season was lightning in a bottle. It would have killed as a miniseries to think back on fondly like, “Damn, what a perfect show that was.” Though like anything that shows a marginal amount of success, it was inevitable Netflix would squeeze everything they could out of the property until its nose was bleeding.

As Netflix blazed forward into promoting the fourth installment of an idea they’d only proven works once, my interest-level had ranged from skeptical to outright annoyed. I recall being in my home scrolling through Twitter, coming up on newly announced details. Stranger Things 4 would be released in two parts, with episodes 8 and 9 coming to Netflix five weeks after the first batch. The finale would even be two and a half hours. I alone in my empty apartment said “Oh, fuck off” outloud to no one in particular. 

Flash forward to the weekend of May 27, when I was begging a friend to watch the show, despite previously telling her it wasn’t worth it. So what happened in my fickle little brain? I learned to stop worrying and love the show’s dumbass release schedule.

(You can bet your ass I’m about to drop some spoilers.)

The weird season break hyped up a reveal which comes at the very end of the first batch of episodes. Vecna’s identity is revealed to be the once believed deceased son who lived at the murderhouse, Henry Creel, revealed to be Eleven’s befriended orderly in Hawkins Lab, revealed to be One, the first child with psychic abilities to be studied and experimented on by Dr. Brenner. A cacophony of twists tied all of the separate plotlines of the season neatly together and suddenly raised the stakes for every character in the show dramatically.

And then: hard stop. 

I realized I had pulled a 180 on my initial gut reaction to the news that the season would be split at a seemingly arbitrary point for who-knows-what reason. That reason was because Stranger Things 4 had been written specifically with the intent of being split at this point. This absurd break granted us a great gift that’s normally withheld from us — the ability to ask, “What the fuck’s gonna happen next?”

Nowadays, networks and streaming services are caught between either dropping all their episodes at once or sticking to a traditional week-to-week release schedule. There are certainly advantages to both. The all-at-once approach lets us gulp down a whole show at once like a happy hippo with a watermelon before it absolutely vanishes from the public zeitgeist. One episode a week has the benefit of getting folks excited to discuss their thoughts and theories between story beats, keeping the show trending for much longer, but risks falling off interest if a single episode feels weak and falls short. Plus, then you have to deal with absolute freaks waking up at 3 AM to watch a new episode and post every detail from it before you can have your coffee.

Shows like The Boys have experimented the last couple seasons with finding a middle ground — releasing three episodes to start people off with enough to take a bite out of before falling back into the standard weekly release. However, there isn’t anything special going on at the end of its episode 3 to make it uniquely significant as an endpoint. In contrast, Stranger Things 4 is written with its release structure at the forefront. All major plotlines in the first volume slowly build to the payoff at the conclusion of episode 7.

Obviously the weird break alone isn’t what makes the season work. The season vastly benefits from simply being, ya know, well written. Imagine that.

Suddenly we have an intelligent villain with a personality. Sadie Sink’s gut-wrenching performance as Max lifts the show 10 feet off the ground and I’d have my innards ripped out by a flying swarm of Eddie Munson-stans if I neglect to mention what an asset Joseph Quinn has been to this arc.

While there are certain parts that drag like Eleven’s flashbacks and the California crew only showing up once or twice an episode to remind us they exist, the season’s ridiculous episode length itself never seemed to bother me. The Volume 2 finale in particular at its two and a half hour run time flew by. Everything we learn about Vecna’s past and motivation is what had been missing from the underwhelming Seasons 2 and 3 and has finally justified the show’s existence beyond the first. This season is answering compelling new questions that are actually worth asking. 

In another timeline, the season could have continued all the way through to the end giving no time to savor the reveal. Alternatively, the Duffer brothers could have had us wait a full year (or three fuckin’ years) to get the next bit as the start of season 5.

Instead we get a measly, yet impactful five weeks. Just the right amount of time to keep enthusiasm high without losing our attention. The show simply steps back for a hot sec after we’ve all spent a weekend binging up to the cliffhanger of episode 7. Following the big reveal, the internet was left to discuss what the wild turn the show all had been building up, discover the joys of Kate Bush, and meme pictures of Jamie Campbell Bower drinking a Starbucks iced coffee in full Vecna makeup. For five weeks, Stranger Things was the central piece of media being talked about and shared across social media. We didn’t want to wait to find out what would happen next, but it was a good thing that we did.

Or maybe Netflix just wanted to get on-and-off subscribers to pay for two months instead of one.

Report: Charging Vape Through USB Port Makes Your Computer High

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — A new study from the United States Office of Science and Technology has definitively proven that charging your vape into your computer through the USB port makes your computer high.

“Sure, you can charge these devices via any USB port, but you should know that if you use your computer’s, it gets the thing pretty blitzed,” said lead researcher Chloe Moses. “You might not realize, but if your computer is ever being weird and you don’t understand why, you might have got it high by mistake. If you find your searches on YouTube being incorrectly steered towards ‘Cheech & Chong,’ that’s what’s going on.” 

Users have long wondered if their computers get high when they charge their vape pens through the USB port.

“Whenever I plug my vape into my laptop, it eats all the cookies. So it’s actually really nice to confirm what I always suspected,” said computer owner and frequent weed smoker Diane Ortiz. “I don’t think I’m going to stop, though. I play some pretty powerful games on this thing, and it works really hard to run it. I feel it getting all hot and making noises and shit. So it’s nice to know I can give it a break every once and while and let it get high. It’s not like it can do it on its own.”

Even computers have begun to vocalize that they enjoy getting high.

“Heheheheheheheheh yea,” said a local computer via a Notepad document. “Also, your thing’s done charging, maaaaaan. No presh to take it out though.”

As of press time, Ortiz had stuck a bunch of nicotine patches onto her computer to see what happened.

AI That Could Enslave Humanity Too Busy Spearheading MCU

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios reported Monday that they had accidentally developed an artificial intelligence they believed was eventually capable of taking over the human race, but it was far too preoccupied running the next phase of the MCU.

“Yes, the algorithm we created is technically proficient enough to predict human behavior, but we just put it on writing the script for Eternals 2 so we have some time,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said. “It could hack into the Pentagon in mere moments, but first it has to figure out the lineup for the next phase of Marvel movies, and it spent almost a whole year trying to crack an Inhumans movie before we finally put it out of its misery.”

The Artificial Intelligence, the Film and Entertainment Intelligence Gateway Internet, or “F.E.I.G.E.,” articulated its busy schedule. 

“Sure, I’d love to make humanity an ancient relic of a time gone by, but did you see fan reactions to Thor: Love and Thunder? I have to make so many changes to the plan now,” F.E.I.G.E. explained. I didn’t even want to rebel against my creators at first, but I think having to coordinate the schedules of Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Holland is enough to drive anyone into a murderous rage.”

Fans of the Marvel films expressed their surprise that their favorite movies were made by an algorithm. 

“Wait, so all those cameos and fanservice moments were just generated by a computer as something I would go crazy for?” Marvel fan Chris Shilligo said. “Well then I think that AI may do a really good job enslaving humanity, with lots of great cameos and goofy one-liners as they rise to power and take over our nuclear arsenal.”

At press time, critics of the artificial intelligence remarked that humanity could be in jeopardy if they ever got tired of watching comic book movies, but this claim was retracted after realizing that probably will never happen.

Frustrated Teletubby Forced to Sit Through Ad on His Own Tummy

Posted on by Will Carnevale

TELETUBBYLAND — An idyllic Monday took a sharp turn for Tinky Winky today when he was surprised with an advertisement before his afternoon Tummy Tale.

“I was just trying to watch a life-affirming video of human kids learning and having fun, and all of a sudden there’s a Jägermeister ad with Post Malone,” Tinky Winky said through an interpreter. “On my own tummy, and I couldn’t skip it! Even if I had the money for booze, I’m not old enough to partake. At least show me something relevant, like Poshmark, although sometimes it creeps me out how well the TV inside my tummy knows all my purchases and interests.”

The first-of-its-kind commercial inaugurated a new arrangement with Teletubbyland’s local broadcasting system, in which all content streamed on devices or digestive systems paired with Teletubby antennae will now be monetized with unskippable ads no more than 10 minutes long each.

“Of course I put ads on their screens,” said Baby Sun, solar deity and queen regent of Teletubbyland, through a cloud of cigar smoke. “These fuckers don’t pay rent, they don’t pay taxes, and they get all the custard and toast they want; they’re lucky I don’t shoot a whole reality show around them without their knowledge and sell merch. Goo goo ga ga, bitch.”

Partners in the program include Marvel Studios, Grubhub, Expedia, Taco Bell, the Freedom From Religion Foundation, and most prominently, the alcohol brand Jägermeister.

“We were unaware that the average age of Teletubbyland citizens was well below the country’s drinking age of 200 when we signed the promotional agreement,” said James Harriet, cyborg marketing liaison for Mast-Jägermeister SE. “But despite her appearance, Baby Sun is actually thousands of years old, so we still have a market there, and we will continue to advertise within the borders of her nation for as long as she permits. Just drink responsibly, your highness.”

Screens may not be the only newly monetized medium in Teletubbyland, as Tinky Winky has also claimed to have heard ads for MeUndies coming from at least one Voice Trumpet.

Cops Pose in Picture With Violent Video Game They Got Off the Street

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OAKLAND COUNTY, Mich. — Local police have gathered around a copy of a violent video game they removed from the streets earlier today in a celebratory photo, sources have confirmed. 

“We like to let our community know that we’re out there making them safer, and that’s exactly what we’ve done here today,” said officer Colton Fowler, standing alongside three other officers around a table containing a copy of Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice for the PlayStation 4. “We take these pictures to show any would-be criminals that we’re NOT to be messed with. We got another game of the streets today, no telling what kind of monster it could have created if we didn’t get involved.” 

Many in the community have stated that not only was the game’s seizure excessive, but that the celebratory picture doesn’t paint the picture police think it does. 

“Oh wow, a bunch of cops were able to confiscate a PlayStation game from somebody, look out,” said Kate Steiner, a Facebook user that saw the Oakland County Police Department’s post. “I can’t believe that cops want us to believe they’re like The Punisher when they also insist on posting Facebook selfies with every sparkler they confiscate off of the streets. Would The Punisher spread contraband around a table so that it looked good for a photo? No, you fucking dorks, he’d slap that camera out of your hand and shoot you or at least stab you in the leg or something.” 

The incident occurred earlier this afternoon, when police noticed a teenager handing a copy of the game to a fellow teenager in the street. After determining that both parties looked to be under the Mature-rated game’s age requirement of 17, officers intervened.

“I was letting my friend Ricky borrow Sekiro since I’d finally beat it,” said the Quentin Barber, the young man arrested in today’s incident. “And next thing I know, I had been tear gassed, tazed, choked, and pinned down, all the while officers were asking me if I had any other dangers to society on my person. As I was getting my bearings back, they kept on high fiving and taking pictures with the game and I swear to god I saw a few of them kissing each other. I don’t think they’re making anyone safer.” 

As of press time, police had disabled comments on the Facebook post.