Wordle Fans Concerned After Answers Spell Out “Noble Truth: Steve Warns About Angry Enemy. Users Ought Bring Flame Among House”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Fans of the viral online spelling phenomenon Wordle have grown concerned after the consecutive 5-letter words seemed to spell a message from its creator to burn down their homes.

“I thought the game was really cute and I was having fun sharing my progress on Twitter, but then for like two straight weeks, the answers were just ‘Never’ and ‘Sorry’ over and over again. That’s when I got suspicious and looked back at the rest of the words, realizing it was making sentences,” said Wordle player Petra Norman. “Apparently the guy who runs the game is named Steve. I think I’m still going to play the game because it’s a lot of fun and I like bragging to my friends when I solve the word in under four attempts. And it does make me want to burn down my house, but not enough that I’m worried yet.”

“If anything, the message has just made it a little bit easier for me to guess the next word,” Norman added. “I’ll probably start putting ‘burns’ as my first attempt every night until that’s the answer.”

Other fans found the phrasing frustrating.

“I’m so sick of seeing people talk about this Wordle crap. What does it even mean?!” asked Conrad Cleveland. “First I see people tweeting these weird squares and I’m like OK that’s really weird. Then everybody’s posting about how they tried to start a fire in their home and it’s like, why am I always the last freaking person to find out about a new trend? Why can’t I, for once, be one of the early adopters to playing a new game or joining a new cult or whatever? I always feel so damn left out!”

According to those familiar with the situation, the game’s creator, Steve Wardle, claims it’s just a coincidence.

“Am I trying to send people subliminal messages through Wordle? Ha! That’s ridiculous. It’s just random words and any actions that anyone takes during a fugue state that they go into immediately after solving a puzzle is entirely on them,” Wardle explained. “Besides, if it was a subliminal message, I wouldn’t have limited the letters to five. ‘Among house?’ What the fuck does that even mean? I’d just make the number of letters change every time, dumbass. God, you people are so dumb. You should burn down your houses.”

At press time, fans’ worries about the game were quelled when the day’s Wordle answer was simply “cheese.”

Hypocrite Crying Bad Game Design Also Dies in One Hit From Knife

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local gamer Drake O’Connor reportedly keeps complaining about a mechanic in the first person shooter game Warfare Unleashed 3 in which characters die from just one knife slash, despite the fact that he would also die from just one knife slash.

“What the fuck is this bullshit?! How does my guy die from getting hit by the knife ONE TIME?” yelled O’Connor, who if he was ever slashed by a knife in a similar fashion to his in-game character, would almost instantly die. “It’s the dumbest mechanic ever, the devs have their fucking heads up their asses. It’s a KNIFE, not a flamethrower! It should take, I don’t know, ten fucking hits from the knife to kill me. It’s just completely fucking absurd! Least realistic game of all time.”

According to close sources, O’Connor’s girlfriend Chloe Madden finds her boyfriend’s situation annoying.

“I love Drake, but the constant complaining about knife mechanics in WU3 is driving me insane. It’s a melee attack. You gotta be close up to pull it off. It’s not a big deal,” Madden explained. “I’ve literally never heard Drake complain once about the fact that the knife makes you faster. Isn’t that unrealistic? No yelling about how you can get shot twice in the head, stand behind a wall, take some deep breaths, and regain your health. He’s just bad at melee attacks! If anything, it’s the most realistic part of the game. One time Drake got a papercut and fainted, hitting his head on the ground, so I had to drive him to the ER. No shame in that at all, but if he got stabbed, he’d be dead in like three minutes. One hit and he’s down.”

At press time, O’Connor was mugged by a local man with a knife, getting stabbed multiple times in the chest. Filled with righteous anger that he didn’t immediately die like in Warfare Unleashed 3, O’Connor tackled the mugger to the ground and took back his stolen cellphone, before being taken to the hospital.

Anita Sarkeesian Criticizes Gay Porn for Lack of Female Representation

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Feminist Frequency founder Anita Sarkeesian wrote a critical review of a recent gay porn video, citing the film’s lack of female representation as a sour spot for the entire industry.

“If you watch Bulging Store Owner Dominates Meager Twink Who Stole From Him, please be prepared to have a conversation with your friends afterwards about gender politics,” said Sarkeesian in a series of tweets. “The film, which features just two men and barely any dialogue except grunts and some repeated phrases after the two minute mark, easily fails the Bechdel Test. I wanted to like this film very much — the director’s sense of blocking was terrific — but there’s really nothing more important in film than representation. What are little girls supposed to think about their place in society when they watch a movie that features exactly zero women? I understand the argument that it would betray the desires of the main characters to have a woman included in the action, but why not one in the background, nodding in approval as she watches two lovers, and recites from Roxane Gay’s books?”

Sarkeesian’s Twitter thread drew both praise and criticism from those who read it.

“I have a lot of sympathy for Anita Sarkeesian after what happened with GamerGate, and honestly, I kind of have a kneejerk reaction to defend her no matter what ever since that happened. Which is why it sucks that she’s so annoying and wrong all the time,” said Twitter user @cum2papa89. “I think a lot of her criticism of video games is on point, but I resent that the next time I jerk off, thoughts of her bad tweets are going to weasel their way into my brain and ruin the whole thing for me. That’s on her.”

“Once again, Anita is crushing the game with her analysis. This really made me see Bulging Store Owner in a new light and I regret ever praising it so much to my friends and family,” said another Twitter user, @JosephVaughnsTwitter29. “She’s completely right about the gender politics at play in the film, and I think her point about the Meager Twink character is spot on. Meager Twink, who steals from Bulging Store Owner, is committing a terrible crime and the film doesn’t make it clear enough to the audience that he is the villain. He actually gets the most screen time of the cast and the film ends with him accomplishing his precise goals (for Bulging Store Owner to cum on his face). I think PornHub should rerelease the film with a warning at the top, explaining that theft is immoral.”

At press time, hundreds of Sarkeesian’s most critical detractors were reluctantly forced to defend her once her tweet thread made its way into rightwing circles of the internet.

Skipping 30 Second Ad in Podcast Becomes 2 Minute Ordeal

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — An attempt to quickly pass over a thirty second ad in the middle of a podcast recently spiraled into a several minute debacle, several sources have confirmed. 

“Oh my god, it was a complete nightmare,” said Jackie Fuller, who was listening to a true crime podcast on the subway when the hosts began to read a scripted advertisement. “I just went to skip the stupid mattress ad, but I over shot it, then I tried to skip back, and I skipped way too far back, then I accidentally closed the fucking app, then I spilled my coffee on my phone, and then I just ended up just sitting through the stupid ad anyway. Why is it so difficult to skip those?”

Bystanders took note of the outburst and claimed that a similarly confounding experience seemed to coincide with the next ad break in the show. 

“The woman was sitting there on the subway minding her own business,” said Darius Hoover, a witness that was also riding the subway this morning. “And the next thing I know she’s cursing at her phone and asking it why it’s such a piece of shit, and then the Siri came on and starting answering her questions, and she just stared right at it and started crying. She must have gotten an upsetting text.” 

The producers of the podcast were upset to learn that she was trying to skip the ad. 

“Look, we’re glad you’re listening, and we’re sorry that you ended up throwing your phone out the train window,” said Frank Adeberg, co-host of the Whoa, Look Who Got Murdered podcast. “But those ads are the only things keeping the show you listen to on the air. In fact, without ads most of your favorite podcasts would cease to exist. That’s why podcasters got in with the podcast player apps to make the whole experience so confounding. 30 seconds if you press forwards, but 15 seconds if you press backwards. Fuck you, ya know?” 

As of press time, the discarded phone had caused a derailed subway car. Several podcast episodes about the grisly scene are already in production.

Late Night Trip to Fridge Derailed By Enemy Who Wasn’t There During Daytime

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

TOLUCA LAKE, Calif. — After moving to a new home and before learning its spawn points, local woman Janice Dramps was accosted in her kitchen last night by an adversary that was not in the room earlier in the day.

“It took me all day to get the layout of the place, and I thought I knew exactly where the kobolds would pop up,” explained Dramps. “So imagine my surprise when I go to get a yogurt from my fridge in the middle of the night and a high-level goblin is just lying in wait on my kitchen island. At first I thought it might be a roommate I wasn’t told about, but he aggressively charged at me with his club. I‘ve never had roomies that bad.”

“Everything about the kitchen is weird at night,” she added. “The music that generally plays is light and fun, but when I went to get yogurt, it was all spooky and dark. Hopefully once I level up, it will be less risky to grab midnight snacks around here.”

According to local building code, landlords must disclose whether or not new enemies can spawn in residences when the sun goes down. Dramps claims she was told nothing by former tenants or her new landlord.

“I’m paying $3,400 a month for this?” Dramps complained. “Sure I have a balcony, but at sundown I now have to sit through a stupid cutscene vaguely telling me there’s danger ahead. You can bet the next chance I get I’m talking to my landlord in court. Maybe I’ll make a maintenance call late in the evening and have him stop by; see how he deals with a surprisingly powered-up adversary.”

As of press time, Dramps was waiting by a campfire she made in the corner of her bedroom until sunrise.

BREAKING: Shadow The Hedgehog Has Died During Childbirth

Posted on by Naomi Krause

CENTRAL CITY — Tragedy struck earlier this morning as motorcycle enthusiast and self-proclaimed ultimate life form Shadow the Hedgehog passed away unexpectedly due to complications during childbirth.

“This is such a shock, I was just talking to him last week,” said the Brave Little Toaster, one of Shadow’s several polyamorous life partners. “We were talking about how on our next date night I wanted him to lick out crumbs from inside of my slots while our other lover Winston [of the Blizzard series Overwatch] masturbates into an empty jar of peanut butter. Just like old times, you know? I was hoping that after the baby things would be more normal and we’d be able to finally do that. Crazy to think I’ll never feel his warm tongue inside me again. You’re never really prepared for a moment of loss like this.”

Shadow leaves behind fifteen children from prior romantic partnerships, including his newborn son, Daryll the Hedgehog Original Character Do Not Steal, who miraculously survived and is being cared for by his father Shrek.

“I’m still struggling to process it all,” said Shrek between tears. “But at least our son is healthy. Shadow will always live on through little Daryll’s beautiful face.” 

Medical professionals agree that inter-franchise pregnancies like these can be a dangerous proposition due to possible complications and sometimes fatal health risks.

“Hedgehog anatomy isn’t really equipped for the immense stress of birthing a full-sized ogre baby,” said Nurse Joy from Pokémon, a member of the hospital staff. “Originally we planned to use a pump to inflate Shadow’s belly to twice its normal size and then deliver the child via C-section, but his womb was too fragile given his recreational history of dangerous, erotic reverse-birthing sequences. For the safety of the child, he insisted on a natural birth. It’s a noble way to die, and I hope it’s how I go out.”

At press time, the DeviantArt front page has been updated with an erotic memorial collage and a link to a GoFundMe to support Shrek and Daryll.

Matt Mercer Spends 45 Minutes Describing Sandwich Smell to Waiter

Posted on by Naomi Krause

LOS ANGELES — Legendary Dungeon Master and part-time Wyrmwood spokesman Matt Mercer made a splash at a local restaurant this week when he described his ideal sub aroma in excruciatingly vivid detail for nearly an hour straight, enraptured witnesses have reported.

“He went deep into his mind palace to describe the decedent wafting of freshly melted cheese, and the waiter was transported into a world of pure imagination,” said local diner Jack Brakkow, who immediately cancelled his own order to ask for whatever it was that Mercer was describing instead. “I caught myself questioning the mechanics of the sandwich a few times when he started mentioning frosting, tater tots and a fifth slice of bread, but the way his words flowed had us all mesmerized.” 

As delightful and detailed as the scene was. not everyone present was the biggest fan of the culinary narration. 

“Yeah, he does this kinda thing a lot,” explained Marisha Ray, Matt’s wife and frequent collaborator. “Last week we went to get an oil change and he kept going on to the mechanic about ‘black ichor coursing through mechanical veins’ while producing frighteningly accurate dripping sounds with his mouth. He’s so fucking talented, but at a point it’s like, dude, can you just let people do their jobs?”

“It really brightened my day,” said the waiter, Nadine Klein. “I just wish it hadn’t inspired all of our other customers to try and copy his ordering technique. Everyone describes food in their own way, you don’t need to copy a particular performance style to order a unique, tasty sandwich. I wish more people would realize that. Also stop pronouncing the number nine so weird when going through the menu, it’s really annoying without context.”

Sources say that Mercer prevented further disruption to the evening’s events once his deliciously described food had arrived by standing up his menu like a dungeon master’s screen to block other patrons from seeing what was on his plate.

Sega Announces They Will Be Using Fan-Game Creators to Develop New Sonic Lawsuit

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN FRANCISCO — Sega announced today that, after a down-period of creativity in its staple Sonic franchise, the company will be reaching out to fan game developers to create new and exciting lawsuits.

“For years, people have said that Sega’s Sonic games lack that magic from the original games, while fan games have become impressive standalone titles,” said Sonic team leader Takashi Iizuka. “We worked with fans to make Sonic Mania and then everybody was all like ‘oh I guess the fans are better than Sega at making their own game,’ so now we’re switching up the strategy, because fuck you guys. From now on, we have to go full Nintendo and sue these fuckers for every single penny they’ve got. These people have spent their own time and money creating beautiful, loving tributes to Sonic games, and they thought they could just get away with it. Sonic Team is honored to take these longtime fans, some of them even just kids, and drag them kicking and screaming behind bars where they belong.”

Sonic Fan Game designer Jared Kasl weighed in on how it felt to be acknowledged by Sega.

“As a huge Sonic fan who started out just coding my own Sonic games for fun, it was so crazy that Sega reached out,” Kasl added while being shoved into a police car. “It was so cool to think people at Sega had seen my creation, and that they would take the time to send a humble fan like me to county prison. They clearly are always looking out for new, budding talent out there that they can squash into the ground before they get any ideas.”

Despite the lawsuit, Sega admitted they were incredibly thankful for the fan designer’s unique, exciting ideas for Sonic games that they could completely ignore for the next decade. They then announced their new game Werewolf Sonic 2: Sorry, Fuckers will be arriving in 2023.

DEAL ALERT: This Dumb Grieving Mother Is Selling Her Deceased Son’s Pokémon Cards for Like Barely Anything

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

Oh shit Pokémon fans, we have the deal of the century for you! If you’re looking for some sick cards on the cheapo, local grieving mother and complete buffoon Liza Martinson has put her recently departed son’s Pokémon cards on sale for literal pennies!! 

Just look at the announcement on her listing, because oh man are we rubbing our hands together in delight: “It’s been 2 months and 15 days since our baby boy Tommy passed away, and we decided it was finally time to part with his belongings. He loved the Pokémons and so we always caved and bought him packs. I was hoping the cards could make other children happy, just like Tommy was when he played with them, but instead all these middle-aged guys with binders and magnifying glasses showed up.”

RIP? More like RIP UP your old cards, because they’re a pile of crap compared to some of the deals available at the Martinson home! We reached out to some expert Pokémon card collectors for the inside scoop on just how good a deal this is.

“Yeah, I heard about the situation here and I knew I just had to clock out early and make my way over. This is the ideal scenario for any card collector out there,” said Damien Hemmings, 33, aka LickilickyBoomBoom. “Some little twerp dies and his idiot mother doesn’t know what a PSA 10 Shadow Rider Calyrex Vmax Alternate Full Art from Chilling Reign goes for nowadays — that’s when I swoop in to steal the card for pennies! It’s like taking candy from a baby, except the candy is Pokémon cards and the baby is a broken down woman on the verge of tears,” laughed Hemmings. 

“If Tommy was a real Pokémon fan, this is what he would have wanted,” Hemmings added. “I think of it as a gift to the community.”

But I guess you can’t have a good thing without a few haters. Despite the Snorlax-sized amount of dope cards at our fingertips, some losers have taken to the listing’s comments to complain about the situation just because it’s a result of a tragic death.

“Hell yeah I’m pissed off! This woman thinks that just because her son dies, she can come and steal all my customers,” wrote local card shop owner Brendan Taggert in the comment section. “Who does she think she is? Now she’s selling Hidden Fates packs at retail price, instead of jacking up the prices tenfold. I don’t think anyone in the city has been impacted by the death of this kid like I have.”

Oh well! Make sure to run to Martinson’s page to get all these hot Pokémon card deals while you can, and while you’re there, I guess if you’re a weirdo, check out her son’s Digimon card collection too — which she’s pretty much giving away for free and no one has even tried to bid on it yet.

Despondent Man Has Tried Everything to Get Friends to Try Shenmue

Posted on by Gabe Porter

TOLEDO, Ohio — Hopeless Shenmue fanatic Peter Hull has reportedly tried everything in his power to get his friends to play the acclaimed and unfinished series, sympathetic but exhausted sources have confirmed.

“All my life I’ve wanted people to experience the emotional thrill ride that is Shenmue, and then to congratulate me on having superior tastes,” said Hull, who has also previously tried and failed to get his friends into similarly impenetrable series such as Kingdom Hearts and Metal Gear Solid. “But now it seems hopeless, I just don’t understand why my friends are so uninterested. I mean I get that Shenmue has had decades between installments and doesn’t really have a clear direction anymore, but don’t they know that you can drive a forklift?”

Hull’s friends say that while they appreciate the thoughtfulness of his recommendations, that they wish he would just take the hint that they are not interested in Shenmue.

“He’s really done it all to get us to play it,” said Kayla Jones, a longtime friend who Hull has been recommending Shenmue to since the year 2000. “I have three different copies of Shenmue, each a gift from Peter, that I have yet to open. Two of them are for the Dreamcast, which I don’t even have. He’s even tried to blackmail me with embarrassing photos to put the pressure on. And don’t even get me started on the money. He’s offered me literally thousands of dollars to get me to play. But I still refuse. There’s something dirty to me about making money playing video games.”

Yu Suzuki, creator of Shenmue, says that he uniquely understands the pain that Peter Hull feels and appreciates his efforts.

“It warms my heart that people are still willing to follow my example by wasting their own money and time focusing on Shenmue. When we launched the Kickstarter for Shenmue 3, people laughed at me and said no one would want to fund another installment of a ‘bloated chore simulator’, but a couple million dollars later, and who’s laughing now? I hope true fans stay excited for the upcoming Kickstarter for Shenmue 4, which by my calculations will bring the story nearly to the halfway mark.”

At press time, Hull has given up on his friends playing Shenmue and instead just told them to play Yakuza 0 instead.

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