ARLINGTON, Va. — Local high school social studies teacher Arlene Roberts reportedly told a dancing couple to leave room for Batman villain the Joker during a prom event.
“Hey y’all, we live in a society, so make sure you leave room for the Joker over there! Haha. Seriously, though, you can’t really make out like that,” Roberts was heard saying to the school’s most popular and reportedly horny couple at the school’s prom. “I’m not trying to, uh, cramp your style or nothing, dog. You guys are really cool, actually. I always wanted a boyfriend like you when I was a kid, Jake. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. That was weird. Am I being weird? Anyway, please, uh, leave room for Mr. J to do some crimes between you two.”
According to those familiar with the situation, Roberts has reportedly tried desperately to win the approval of various popular students at the school.
“One time she showed up to school wearing an ironic minions tee shirt. It was honestly really embarrassing. I rank her even below Mr. Gibbons, and that guy lit a kid on fire once,” said sophomore Ayisha Pitts. “I don’t think people even really care about the Joker anymore. That was a thing people were saying in 2020, I guess? I don’t know, I was born after The Dark Knight even came out and I’m almost technically an adult. These days, everybody I know is big into the Riddler. That guy’s twisted.”
School principal Tom Buckley explained that Roberts unfortunately cannot be replaced while the school is so short staffed.
“Of course, she’s being weird out there, but my hands are tied. We really need every teacher we can get, because boy oh boy are we not paying them much. So if her main motivation is that she feels cool by, quote-unquote hanging out with these teens, then we kinda just have to let her,” Buckley explained. “And don’t get me wrong — the teens are pretty cool. Some of them smoke cigs like they’re eating french fries. It’s like a building full of James Deans. I feel starstruck sometimes, and that’s hard for me to be, because one time I met Lou Ferrigno.”
As of press time, Roberts took to the dance floor by herself and did the stairs dance from the Joker movie by herself.
GREENBELT, Md. –– Scientists at the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center have hailed the latest photographs from the James Webb Space Telescope (JWST) as the next era for humanity’s desktop backgrounds.
“JWST offers an unprecedented look into the final frontier of human exploration: finding the sickest wallpapers for your computer,” said Senior Project Leader Ken Decker. “The future is bright for monitors everywhere. We are seeing Google results for ‘dope space desktop images 4K’ we never thought possible during the Hubble Space Telescope era. Back then, if you wanted a better picture of a nebula or galactic cluster for your desktop background, you had to imagine it in your head. I would often spend hours at work, staring at my wallpaper of the Carina Nebula, hypothesizing: ‘What if it were like that, but cooler?’ Thanks to this watershed moment in twenty-first century science, I no longer have to imagine.”
For the team at Goddard, the scientific focus of their work has not detracted from the overwhelming sense of awe that the pictures inspire.
“We actually have a viewing room in the facility used exclusively for the JWST images. There’s blackout curtains, lava lamps, and those new microgravity bongs the team over at Ames Research Center have been working on,” explained Deputy Engineer Lauren Hatakeyama over the sound of ‘Space Oddity’ by David Bowie. “It’s vital that we curate an ideal viewing experience.”
When these photos of the distant heavens were released to the public, universal praise began to roll in immediately.
“I had just added a fourth monitor to my gaming setup when I got the Twitter notification about the JWST photos, so I guess you could say the stars aligned,” said local resident Patrick Roland, who now has the latest image of the Southern Ring Nebula set as his background. “And to think, I was about to take another screenshot of ‘Elite Dangerous.’ If JWST keeps taking money shots like these, I’ll have to buy a fifth monitor for the full experience.”
As of press time, NASA had already announced the next space frontier — excavating your desktop background from beneath layers of Chrome browser windows.
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Reddit user Frank Dolan was terribly upset at the results of his recent 23andMe test, which confirmed there is no trace of anything but Redditor in his blood.
“Deep down, I hoped the test might discover a hint of something else in my family history. Anything else. I mean, what if I had found out some of my ancestors weren’t even Redditors at all? Just knowing that, man, it would have been so freeing,” said Dolan, holding the test results and weeping openly. “I feel like such a fool.”
Along with the results confirming Dolan’s worst fears, 23andMe also included an introductory pamphlet on Redditors throughout recorded history, written in awful Verdana font.
“As a member of the proud Reddit clan, you come from a long line of history’s most annoying twerps, assholes, and obnoxious know-it-alls. Legends tell of ancient Redditors who were able to carry on an argument for 20 years or more without rest, never once getting to the point,” read the pamphlet, headlined “We Are So Sorry.”
A spokesperson for 23andMe confirmed the results were accurate to the extent that current technology allows.
“We used every method at our disposal to search Mr. Dolan’s genetic code, looking for evidence that any of his ancestors could have been other things — artists, entrepreneurs, good friends to the people in their lives, upstanding citizens who make a difference in the world around them. Couldn’t find a trace, unfortunately,” said the spokesperson. “He’s applied to be a mod on like 10 different subs. Sorry, that’s a Redditor.”
Dolan later joined r/genealogy to get a second opinion on his results, but his post was removed for violating the rules listed on the sidebar.
HYRULE — While minding her own business, the parasitic armored arachnid known as Queen Gohma was suddenly assaulted this week at the hands of a boy calling himself a hero.
“Literally all I was doing was scurrying around on the ceiling looking for sustenance,” said Queen Gohma. “This kid enters my room, starts shooting pellets at me with a slingshot, and the next thing I know, I have his tiny little sword sticking out of my big glowing eyeball.”
Gohma insisted that the reasoning behind the attack was flimsy at best.
“I heard the little fairy floating around his head tell the kid that I’m evil,” said Gohma, who had never wronged a fairy in her life, to the best of her knowledge. “Suddenly that gives him free rein to destroy my egg sacks, murder my children, and attempt to wipe me from existence? I’m just trying to feast on the roots of a wise and ancient tree here, is that such a crime?”
This was not the first reported instance of assault by the so-called “hero.”
“I accidentally left my front door unlocked — big mistake,” said one resident of the nearby Kakariko Village. “The kid shattered my ceramic pots, rolled into a large storage crate, and stole 20 rupees from me. Afterwards, I heard the fairy tell him I was ‘probably evil anyway.’”
The hero was last seen storming off in search of the Master Sword, also known as the Blade of Evil’s Bane, killing anyone who stands in his path without hesitation.
Super Mario Sunshine is celebrating its 20th anniversary today, which means now is a better time than ever to reflect on the game, its legacy, and how mean you all have been to it over the years.
Sunshine had some very big brown loafers to fill when it first launched. Following the monumental release of Super Mario 64, many Nintendo fans were expecting another grand slam. Spoiler alert: it totally was, and you can’t convince me otherwise. In lieu of Peach’s Castle, we would now see Mario wall-jumping and wahoo-ing his way around a vibrant seaside cityscape. You could even ride Yoshi in 3D for the first time ever! It was a revelation. What could people possibly find to hate?
Following its release on July 19th, 2002, reception was… divisive, and has largely remained as such in the 20 years since. People either love this game, or they hate it. They’re either totally right, or they’re totally fucking wrong.
Sorry, haters, Sunshine kicks ass
Look, Super Mario Sunshine is not a perfect game, okay? I’m strong enough to admit that much. It has some glaring flaws, which many will be quick to point out on Twitter before even opening this article (I see you). “What about that awful pachinko mini-game? The poison river? Blue coins?!” Yes, I hear you uncultured luddites. The game has a surprising amount of “jank” compared to the typical polish expected from a first-party, mainline Mario title. Yet so many gamers are quick to give a pass to the Sonic Adventure games which have entire physics engines built out of mud, or they’ll say “get good” when someone complains every time the camera in Elden Ring gets lost in a dragon’s asshole.
The platforming and exploration in this game are filled with wonder and glee, which is obvious to anyone with two eyes, two thumbs, and a heart. The game’s hub world, Isle Delfino, feels more lived-in than almost any other environment in the Mario series, making it ripe for discovery. But when some people think of Mario games, they simply think of running, jumping, and collecting coins. And sure, they’d be right to do so. But why limit the poor plumber? Why not give Mario a water jetpack to further calculate his jumps? Why not add an aiming mechanic to make boss fights more varied? Why not add an interesting story with an actual plot twist? Okay, maybe I’m overselling it just a little there.
Hope nobody gets paint all over this place.
Many are quick to criticize the game’s overuse of “beach theming” to its levels. Most Mario games have Mario (and sometimes even Luigi!) exploring a vast variety of environments and areas, so the critique is an understandable albeit completely wrong one. It lends itself to making the locations around Isle Delfino feel more like “real” places that you would totally want to relax in while sipping a big margarita. Sometimes you can even see one level in the distance while you’re in another (“Hey, I remember that place!” Yeah you do, bucko!) Areas feel less like “video-gamey” floating platforms, and more like actual vacation spots you’d want to hang out in, unless of course you also hate fun, in which case I see your point.
In a way, it’s a shame that Nintendo has mostly ditched this approach, likely due to poor sales figures (I’ll never forgive you all). The next mainline Mario game to be released was New Super Mario Bros on the Nintendo DS in 2006. We would see Mario return all the way back to his roots while keeping a few new tricks up his sleeve– likely a touch of Nintendo feeling the need to overcorrect a “problem”. Perhaps they mistakenly saw Super Mario Sunshine as a red-headed (or I guess red-hat-ed) stepchild.
Even the haters love the secret stages.
We never got a direct follow-up to Super Mario Sunshine, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The game’s unique flair and ability to piss off purists give it a lot of credibility to stand on its own among the Mario games, which in recent years, have become sort of same-y from time to time. And for those reasons alone, this “black sheep” of the herd is an unforgettable adventure that far too many sand-intolerant gamers have written off.
So, do your civic duty today, and play Super Mario Sunshine. If, of course, you were lucky enough to participate in the ridiculous “timed release” that was Super Mario 3D All-Stars on the Nintendo Switch. You never know what you’ve got til it’s gone!
You’re going to want to sit down for this one. Remember the way-too-intense #ReleaseTheSnyderCut social campaign that convinced HBO to let director Zack Snyder drop a four hour cut of Justice League, a universally panned movie that flopped at the box office and was part of Snyder’s larger DC Cinematic Universe that was declining in quality with each film? According to a new Rolling Stone report, that rabbid army of Snyder enthusiasts may have been — brace yourself — largely fake.
It turns out that The Flash entering the Speed Force may not have been the most cheer-worthy movie moment after all.
Per the report, the internet campaign was fueled by bots — and Snyder himself may even have been a puppetmaster behind it. The report notes that at least 13% of accounts that tweeted about the Snyder Cut campaign were fake in some way. So if you got into a heated online debate with a Snyder fan in the last few years, you may have quite literally been arguing with a computer.
There’s two ways to look at this story. On one end, you could see it as somewhat grotesque, with Snyder weaponizing fan culture to gaslight the world into thinking people like his movies. The report includes some dark details about fans (possibly real ones) sending photos of beheaded executives to their children — a pretty disturbing way to cope with the fact that you didn’t get to see the “my mom’s name is Martha” guy’s unclouded vision.
Or… you could sit back and enjoy what gullible suckers Hollywood executives are. All it took was a lot of tweets to bully some rich people to spend $70 million on a recut of a bad movie that Warner Bros. already wasted $300 million on. It’s that kind of misunderstanding of how the internet works that also got Sony to waste money re-releasing Morbius in theaters, mistaking an ironic shitpost for sincere interest in a Jared Leto vampire movie.
So, why fight them when we can use the Snyder Army to our advantage? If we’re truly living in a world where companies see creative decisions as a statistics game, then why not manipulate the data? With that in mind, we formally submit this list of things we want to the Snyder Bot Army. Do you think you could flex your power to get some of these done? We’ll even make some hashtags for you.
WASHINGTON — A recent NPR Tiny Desk Concert turned into a bloodbath when the Hotline Miami soundtrack performance sent NPR employees into a murderous rage.
“I don’t know what came over me,” said NPR employee Aidan Kriss. “The blaring synths and pounding bass just had me pick up whatever was nearest and smash it over someone’s head immediately. All those cute, retro tchotchkes that litter the cozy NPR set are now splattered with musician blood. The cops eventually came, but I clobbered one with a crowbar before kneeling over him and finishing the job. After the song ended, I was horrified to see what I’d done.”
“And I don’t think I did anything more than tap my foot when Idles and Turnstile came by,” Kriss added.
The game’s soundtrack designer, Jasper Byrne, told reporters his side of how the unfortunate night spiraled out of control.
“People were really enjoying the upbeat techno at first,” Byrne said. “Something about a coke-fueled murder anthem really set people at odds with each other. That’s also a majority of the soundtrack so, it didn’t get much better over time.
Tiny Desk lead organizer Teddy Fellows explained why he booked the indie game’s soundtrack to be performed in the first place.
“Usually we host these quiet, warm acoustic sets from famous artists,” Fellows said. “But I got a mysterious answering machine message last night from an unknown number telling me to book this act, when I asked who or what was happening, I just heard a click and a dial tone. Ever since, I’ve had these weird visions and cryptic messages. I think I’ve killed every night this week.”
At press time, sources at NPR expressed that everything had been repaired just in time for next week’s Tiny Desk concert of the Hotline Miami 2 Soundtrack.
This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. Have you played Hotline Miami? NO?! Bro, are you serious? It’s one of those games you have to play. It’s sick, dude, you’re gonna love it. I’m sending you the link to the Steam page right now. It’s straight up $10. Let me know when you play it. I wanna hear your thoughts on it. Oh my god, and the soundtrack?! OK OK I’ll stop, just check it out.
NEW YORK — Sony issued a statement today reminding gamers that there really isn’t any good reason they can’t put their Nintendo Switch in the microwave.
“Go ahead, it’ll probably be fine,” said Jim Colinwood, a spokesperson for Sony. “We’ve all seen that photo of the Game Boy that survived the Iraq War. That was like five or six generations of handheld gaming ago, it’s almost certainly gotten better, right? So if you’re feeling bored or left your Switch in a cold room, it’s probably totally fine to zap it for 30 seconds or something.”
The announcement was merely the first part of a new campaign designed to encourage gamers everywhere to put their Nintendo Switch’s into their microwave.
“Hi guys, Crash Bandicoot here,” said the iconic Sony mascot in the beginning of an animated video that was uploaded to YouTube earlier today. “You know, the PlayStation 5 might have the most powerful hardware and best exclusive titles of any console, but there’s one thing that it can’t do, and we have to give credit where it’s due here. This video is just a little salute to our friends at Nintendo, and how cool we think it is that it’s totally fine to cook your Switch in the microwave.”
Some consumers reportedly were skeptical of Sony’s intentions for announcing that you could microwave your Nintendo Switch safely.
“I’m pretty sure they’re just fighting dirty,” said Ted Kenneth, a longtime Switch owner that didn’t plan on microwaving his. “I think they can’t make enough PlayStation 5’s to keep up with demand and they’re losing business to Nintendo. They can’t keep up, so they’re trying to disrupt the marketplace. I can’t help but think this is a disruption that’s going to lead to some pretty serious house fires. This seems really irresponsible.”
As of press time, Sony had also announced that you could chuck your XBox Series X right off of your roof and nothing bad would happen.
AKRON, Ohio — A local Amazon delivery driver reportedly became enraptured playing the deluxe re-release of Death Stranding after discovering that the game fulfilled his long-time escapist fantasy of being able to pee wherever and whenever he wants.
“Death Stranding’s delivery worker apocalypse is pretty much a direct analog for my day-to-day experience, except for the unlimited bathroom breaks,” said Vincent DiMarco, 28, weeping with glee just recalling the forgotten feeling of freedom the game had provided him. “That part makes it a beautiful fantasy world that I want to spend endless hours in. I even put on my headphones to hear my stream in full 3D, which really adds to the immersion.”
DiMarco’s fondness for Death Stranding’s urination feature only grew when he realized that part of the game’s asynchronous multiplayer meant that mushrooms would grow for other players wherever he left his mark.
“You mean to tell me that other people who play this are able to see evidence of my urination, and it’s something beautiful that people want to contribute to? That’s absolutely incredible. Working at Amazon, you are trained to become so ashamed of all of the waste that your body produces and to hide it from everyone at all costs. Meanwhile, Sam Porter Bridges uses his shit and sweat to kill ghosts and people cheer when he has to go. Hideo Kojima is a genius.”
However, DiMarco notes that one downside of connecting with Death Stranding is that it’s made him notice how lonely his real-world drives are compared to the companionship offered by the game’s iconic Bridge Baby character.
“I started strapping my Amazon truck piss jugs to my chest because I was curious what carrying the baby felt like,” DiMarco said, “But when I showed up at people’s houses they would usually give me funny looks, hold their noses, or recoil in horror. It’s amazing how pompous people with Flush Privilege can be.”
At press time, DiMarco was trying not to think too much while driving about his second favorite feature in the game which involves letting your exhausted protagonist go to bed.
NEW YORK — Developers of the long awaited Grand Theft Auto VI have announced that the upcoming installment of the popular series will not feature famous Nintendo character Mario.
“There’s still plenty we don’t know about this game, but one thing we can tell you is that Mario is not going to be in there,” said Dan Houser, an executive producer of the series. “Truth be told, that was one of the first things we got together and talked about, and on top of not knowing if we’d be able to pull it off legally, we just didn’t know if it’d be the right tone for GTA 6.”
“Maybe next time, who knows,” he added.
Fans were largely disappointed, but mostly understood the motivation to keep the traditionally family friendly plumber out of the mean streets of Grand Theft Auto.
“Oh, that’s a bummer, but I get it,” said Kamryn Rice, a longtime fan of the GTA series. “I mean, someone is gonna make that mod a month after the game comes out anyway, so I understand if Rockstar doesn’t want to go through the headache of officially putting Mario in there. Oh, it’d be so cool if we did get him legit though, with voice acting and everything else. Damn, the more I think about it the more I wish they’d put Mario in there. Maybe they’ll change their minds.”
Long time Mario voice actor Charles Martinet helped fuel the ongoing speculation that Mario might appear in Grand Theft Auto VI with his positive response to the possibility.
“I am begging them to reconsider,” he said, of Mario’s exclusion from the highly anticipated open world crime game. “I have sent them tapes and tapes of myself saying fucked up things about sex and America in the Mario voice. They say they’re not interested, but maybe if they listen to my stuff they’ll at least let me host a radio station on there or something. Let’s keep the pressure on them, everybody.”
As of press time, Rockstar insisted that they weren’t going to include Mario in Grand Theft Auto VI. They have not, however, said whether or not Solid Snake was going to be in there.
