Stranger Things 4’s Dumbass Release Schedule Actually Worked for Me

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

Stranger Things’ first season was lightning in a bottle. It would have killed as a miniseries to think back on fondly like, “Damn, what a perfect show that was.” Though like anything that shows a marginal amount of success, it was inevitable Netflix would squeeze everything they could out of the property until its nose was bleeding.

As Netflix blazed forward into promoting the fourth installment of an idea they’d only proven works once, my interest-level had ranged from skeptical to outright annoyed. I recall being in my home scrolling through Twitter, coming up on newly announced details. Stranger Things 4 would be released in two parts, with episodes 8 and 9 coming to Netflix five weeks after the first batch. The finale would even be two and a half hours. I alone in my empty apartment said “Oh, fuck off” outloud to no one in particular. 

Flash forward to the weekend of May 27, when I was begging a friend to watch the show, despite previously telling her it wasn’t worth it. So what happened in my fickle little brain? I learned to stop worrying and love the show’s dumbass release schedule.

(You can bet your ass I’m about to drop some spoilers.)

The weird season break hyped up a reveal which comes at the very end of the first batch of episodes. Vecna’s identity is revealed to be the once believed deceased son who lived at the murderhouse, Henry Creel, revealed to be Eleven’s befriended orderly in Hawkins Lab, revealed to be One, the first child with psychic abilities to be studied and experimented on by Dr. Brenner. A cacophony of twists tied all of the separate plotlines of the season neatly together and suddenly raised the stakes for every character in the show dramatically.

And then: hard stop. 

I realized I had pulled a 180 on my initial gut reaction to the news that the season would be split at a seemingly arbitrary point for who-knows-what reason. That reason was because Stranger Things 4 had been written specifically with the intent of being split at this point. This absurd break granted us a great gift that’s normally withheld from us — the ability to ask, “What the fuck’s gonna happen next?”

Nowadays, networks and streaming services are caught between either dropping all their episodes at once or sticking to a traditional week-to-week release schedule. There are certainly advantages to both. The all-at-once approach lets us gulp down a whole show at once like a happy hippo with a watermelon before it absolutely vanishes from the public zeitgeist. One episode a week has the benefit of getting folks excited to discuss their thoughts and theories between story beats, keeping the show trending for much longer, but risks falling off interest if a single episode feels weak and falls short. Plus, then you have to deal with absolute freaks waking up at 3 AM to watch a new episode and post every detail from it before you can have your coffee.

Shows like The Boys have experimented the last couple seasons with finding a middle ground — releasing three episodes to start people off with enough to take a bite out of before falling back into the standard weekly release. However, there isn’t anything special going on at the end of its episode 3 to make it uniquely significant as an endpoint. In contrast, Stranger Things 4 is written with its release structure at the forefront. All major plotlines in the first volume slowly build to the payoff at the conclusion of episode 7.

Obviously the weird break alone isn’t what makes the season work. The season vastly benefits from simply being, ya know, well written. Imagine that.

Suddenly we have an intelligent villain with a personality. Sadie Sink’s gut-wrenching performance as Max lifts the show 10 feet off the ground and I’d have my innards ripped out by a flying swarm of Eddie Munson-stans if I neglect to mention what an asset Joseph Quinn has been to this arc.

While there are certain parts that drag like Eleven’s flashbacks and the California crew only showing up once or twice an episode to remind us they exist, the season’s ridiculous episode length itself never seemed to bother me. The Volume 2 finale in particular at its two and a half hour run time flew by. Everything we learn about Vecna’s past and motivation is what had been missing from the underwhelming Seasons 2 and 3 and has finally justified the show’s existence beyond the first. This season is answering compelling new questions that are actually worth asking. 

In another timeline, the season could have continued all the way through to the end giving no time to savor the reveal. Alternatively, the Duffer brothers could have had us wait a full year (or three fuckin’ years) to get the next bit as the start of season 5.

Instead we get a measly, yet impactful five weeks. Just the right amount of time to keep enthusiasm high without losing our attention. The show simply steps back for a hot sec after we’ve all spent a weekend binging up to the cliffhanger of episode 7. Following the big reveal, the internet was left to discuss what the wild turn the show all had been building up, discover the joys of Kate Bush, and meme pictures of Jamie Campbell Bower drinking a Starbucks iced coffee in full Vecna makeup. For five weeks, Stranger Things was the central piece of media being talked about and shared across social media. We didn’t want to wait to find out what would happen next, but it was a good thing that we did.

Or maybe Netflix just wanted to get on-and-off subscribers to pay for two months instead of one.

Report: Charging Vape Through USB Port Makes Your Computer High

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — A new study from the United States Office of Science and Technology has definitively proven that charging your vape into your computer through the USB port makes your computer high.

“Sure, you can charge these devices via any USB port, but you should know that if you use your computer’s, it gets the thing pretty blitzed,” said lead researcher Chloe Moses. “You might not realize, but if your computer is ever being weird and you don’t understand why, you might have got it high by mistake. If you find your searches on YouTube being incorrectly steered towards ‘Cheech & Chong,’ that’s what’s going on.” 

Users have long wondered if their computers get high when they charge their vape pens through the USB port.

“Whenever I plug my vape into my laptop, it eats all the cookies. So it’s actually really nice to confirm what I always suspected,” said computer owner and frequent weed smoker Diane Ortiz. “I don’t think I’m going to stop, though. I play some pretty powerful games on this thing, and it works really hard to run it. I feel it getting all hot and making noises and shit. So it’s nice to know I can give it a break every once and while and let it get high. It’s not like it can do it on its own.”

Even computers have begun to vocalize that they enjoy getting high.

“Heheheheheheheheh yea,” said a local computer via a Notepad document. “Also, your thing’s done charging, maaaaaan. No presh to take it out though.”

As of press time, Ortiz had stuck a bunch of nicotine patches onto her computer to see what happened.

AI That Could Enslave Humanity Too Busy Spearheading MCU

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios reported Monday that they had accidentally developed an artificial intelligence they believed was eventually capable of taking over the human race, but it was far too preoccupied running the next phase of the MCU.

“Yes, the algorithm we created is technically proficient enough to predict human behavior, but we just put it on writing the script for Eternals 2 so we have some time,” Disney CEO Bob Chapek said. “It could hack into the Pentagon in mere moments, but first it has to figure out the lineup for the next phase of Marvel movies, and it spent almost a whole year trying to crack an Inhumans movie before we finally put it out of its misery.”

The Artificial Intelligence, the Film and Entertainment Intelligence Gateway Internet, or “F.E.I.G.E.,” articulated its busy schedule. 

“Sure, I’d love to make humanity an ancient relic of a time gone by, but did you see fan reactions to Thor: Love and Thunder? I have to make so many changes to the plan now,” F.E.I.G.E. explained. I didn’t even want to rebel against my creators at first, but I think having to coordinate the schedules of Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Holland is enough to drive anyone into a murderous rage.”

Fans of the Marvel films expressed their surprise that their favorite movies were made by an algorithm. 

“Wait, so all those cameos and fanservice moments were just generated by a computer as something I would go crazy for?” Marvel fan Chris Shilligo said. “Well then I think that AI may do a really good job enslaving humanity, with lots of great cameos and goofy one-liners as they rise to power and take over our nuclear arsenal.”

At press time, critics of the artificial intelligence remarked that humanity could be in jeopardy if they ever got tired of watching comic book movies, but this claim was retracted after realizing that probably will never happen.

Frustrated Teletubby Forced to Sit Through Ad on His Own Tummy

Posted on by Will Carnevale

TELETUBBYLAND — An idyllic Monday took a sharp turn for Tinky Winky today when he was surprised with an advertisement before his afternoon Tummy Tale.

“I was just trying to watch a life-affirming video of human kids learning and having fun, and all of a sudden there’s a Jägermeister ad with Post Malone,” Tinky Winky said through an interpreter. “On my own tummy, and I couldn’t skip it! Even if I had the money for booze, I’m not old enough to partake. At least show me something relevant, like Poshmark, although sometimes it creeps me out how well the TV inside my tummy knows all my purchases and interests.”

The first-of-its-kind commercial inaugurated a new arrangement with Teletubbyland’s local broadcasting system, in which all content streamed on devices or digestive systems paired with Teletubby antennae will now be monetized with unskippable ads no more than 10 minutes long each.

“Of course I put ads on their screens,” said Baby Sun, solar deity and queen regent of Teletubbyland, through a cloud of cigar smoke. “These fuckers don’t pay rent, they don’t pay taxes, and they get all the custard and toast they want; they’re lucky I don’t shoot a whole reality show around them without their knowledge and sell merch. Goo goo ga ga, bitch.”

Partners in the program include Marvel Studios, Grubhub, Expedia, Taco Bell, the Freedom From Religion Foundation, and most prominently, the alcohol brand Jägermeister.

“We were unaware that the average age of Teletubbyland citizens was well below the country’s drinking age of 200 when we signed the promotional agreement,” said James Harriet, cyborg marketing liaison for Mast-Jägermeister SE. “But despite her appearance, Baby Sun is actually thousands of years old, so we still have a market there, and we will continue to advertise within the borders of her nation for as long as she permits. Just drink responsibly, your highness.”

Screens may not be the only newly monetized medium in Teletubbyland, as Tinky Winky has also claimed to have heard ads for MeUndies coming from at least one Voice Trumpet.

Cops Pose in Picture With Violent Video Game They Got Off the Street

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OAKLAND COUNTY, Mich. — Local police have gathered around a copy of a violent video game they removed from the streets earlier today in a celebratory photo, sources have confirmed. 

“We like to let our community know that we’re out there making them safer, and that’s exactly what we’ve done here today,” said officer Colton Fowler, standing alongside three other officers around a table containing a copy of Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice for the PlayStation 4. “We take these pictures to show any would-be criminals that we’re NOT to be messed with. We got another game of the streets today, no telling what kind of monster it could have created if we didn’t get involved.” 

Many in the community have stated that not only was the game’s seizure excessive, but that the celebratory picture doesn’t paint the picture police think it does. 

“Oh wow, a bunch of cops were able to confiscate a PlayStation game from somebody, look out,” said Kate Steiner, a Facebook user that saw the Oakland County Police Department’s post. “I can’t believe that cops want us to believe they’re like The Punisher when they also insist on posting Facebook selfies with every sparkler they confiscate off of the streets. Would The Punisher spread contraband around a table so that it looked good for a photo? No, you fucking dorks, he’d slap that camera out of your hand and shoot you or at least stab you in the leg or something.” 

The incident occurred earlier this afternoon, when police noticed a teenager handing a copy of the game to a fellow teenager in the street. After determining that both parties looked to be under the Mature-rated game’s age requirement of 17, officers intervened.

“I was letting my friend Ricky borrow Sekiro since I’d finally beat it,” said the Quentin Barber, the young man arrested in today’s incident. “And next thing I know, I had been tear gassed, tazed, choked, and pinned down, all the while officers were asking me if I had any other dangers to society on my person. As I was getting my bearings back, they kept on high fiving and taking pictures with the game and I swear to god I saw a few of them kissing each other. I don’t think they’re making anyone safer.” 

As of press time, police had disabled comments on the Facebook post. 

One Piece Isn’t Too Long, You’re Just Afraid of Commitment

Posted on by Kevin Podas

Author Eiichiro Oda recently announced that his manga series One Piece will be ending “soon,” within 5 years. The series is celebrating its 25th anniversary this month, so relatively speaking, 5 years feels really damn close. The manga is on a brief hiatus right now to prepare for entering its “final saga,” and Oda’s message to those uninitiated is that now would be the perfect time to catch up and join the crew. If your reaction to that is “no thanks, One Piece is too big and scary for me” you are quite simply a big old coward who is afraid of commitment.

But you can change. I can help you.

I got into One Piece back when it first came to America. I was (un)lucky enough to catch the butchered 4Kids dub of it on FoxBox. Despite the glaring censorship which has been memed to death over the years, I somehow found enough enjoyment in it to keep watching. Eventually I stumbled upon the manga volumes at my local bookstore, and realized then how mangled the version I had been watching was, and with incredible resolve, I never looked back. I’ve been reading One Piece for well over half my life at this point, but that isn’t a problem for me because I’m not scared of loyal devotion to something I love — which is a message baked into the themes of the series itself.

It has taken time for One Piece to move past its poor first impressions overseas. Relatively untouched series like Naruto and Bleach surpassed it in popularity at the time, but as those began to fizzle out in quality, One Piece became more available and people were willing to give it a chance again. People who are more likely to have longer-lasting relationships, or stick to a job for more than six months, for example.

While the anime certainly has its ups and downs in terms of animation quality and pacing, strong and courageous fans have written up helpful guides to consume it in the best way possible if you truly desire to watch it. The One Piece anime is unfortunately still sort of tied to an old-school means of production, where the series must constantly be on-air every week of the year, and if you run out of material from the manga, just pump out some filler episodes or pad out the fights as much as possible. Think of Frieza’s “5 minutes” til planetary destruction, for example. 

Newer series like Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia have opted for seasonal releases, which lends itself to less filler and higher-budget animation when production is allowed to be more focused and refined. The One Piece manga, however, has retained a level of quality and pedigree which have arguably reached new heights as of recently, so there is no excuse not to read it unless you find yourself holding back in most other areas of your life too. I mean god, who knows what else you might be missing out on if you’re not reading One Piece, right?

Running since 1997, One Piece has shown me that extensive length does not make a series bad. In fact, it has inspired me to seek out other long-running manga series with positive reputations, like Hajime no Ippo and Detective Conan. A series staying fresh for so long, over many iconic story arcs, can be a huge testament to its quality. Far too many people will write off an anime if it’s longer than 26 episodes, or won’t read a manga if it’s been running for too long. Sure, there are some series that need to be taken out back and put out to pasture, but One Piece is not one of them. 

I try to be optimistic when it comes to humanity. It’s tough sometimes, but I truly believe people are capable of great things. That’s something that the fictional pirates of One Piece have taught me time and time again. So when I tell you that you should read a manga series that is over 1,050 chapters or watch an anime that seems endless, that isn’t me trying to punish you. That’s me saying, “I believe in you.” You know why? Because you are my nakama. Don’t know what that means yet? Read the manga, you’ll be better for it.

Crazy Sci-Fi Future Drug Just Heroin

Posted on by Naomi Krause

NEO YORK — A new drug in the sci-fi world of 2087 is riddled with a terrifying futuristic drug that’s actually just heroin.

“They’re calling it Priz and it’s tearing our super city apart, god-damn it. We need to get in there and fight these terrifying cyber gangs peddling this shit,” said Head Robo Police Chief Borko O’Malley. “We’ve never seen anything like this. But also, I should specify that it is just heroin. It’s the same old heroin we’ve had for hundreds of years. Doctors used to prescribe it if you were acting kinda looney. But now it’s Priz. If you see anyone selling it, you have full authority to murder them on sight.”

Priz-addicted cyber gangs have reportedly started to realize that the drug is not actually something new.

“I guess when you make it a yellow gas in a glass capsule, it feels new. But I was at a party the other day and tried heroin and I was oh wait that’s just Priz. I’ve had this. Makes you feel dumb,” said local brain hacker Rick Zipper. “And heroin’s way cheaper, because you don’t have to make it that yellow gas. I bet we’re spending a goddamn fortune buying up those glass canisters too, when we really could just be selling pills.”

Despite criticism upon the revelation, the marketing team behind Priz’s rebrand has remained vigilant that it was a good idea.

“I’m sorry, but don’t tell me how to do my job. Heroin was not selling. People are really anti heroin right now,” said Prizcorp Enterprises executive Dorn Scooper. “It’s my job to market our products to new generations and everybody likes when things are fresh and different. That’s how I came up with the idea of just changing the name and look of heroin. Sorry if it’s not science fictiony enough for you, but this isn’t a movie, it’s the real world. The real world of 2087. There’s nothing glamorous about taking a pill or heating up a liquid over a spoon. Priz is hip. Priz is cool. Priz is heroin.”

At press time, Prizcorp Enterprises announced a new drug that isn’t heroin called Gork, but admitted shortly later that it was in fact just cocaine.

Game You Never Got Around to Trying Getting Full Blown Remake You’ll Never Get Around to Trying

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DETROIT — A game that always sounded a little interesting but never quite enough to play has announced a full blown remake you doubt you’ll ever pull the trigger on. 

“Whoa, they’re remaking Lollipop Chainsaw?” said your friend Jamie. “I never played it, but I heard it was alright. Didn’t you say you wanted to check it out sometime? I remember we were at the bar after we went to see Prometheus and you were saying you might rent it. Holy fuck, I just realized that was an entire decade ago. God damn! So, did you ever end up renting it? If not, you could probably just wait until the new one comes out.” 

The recently announced Lollipop Chainsaw remake joins a growing list of modern adaptations of games whose necessity you and your friends aren’t convinced of. 

“I don’t know man, they keep putting these games out again and like, they’re not that old?” said your buddy Howie, a real solid dude. “People work their ass off to remaster a game like XIII, and then every decision they make is bad, and then the remake comes out and is terrible, and all the while the original is still listed on Steam. What the fuck are we even doing here? Do we need a full remake of every game we can think of that’s more than a few years old?” 

Strangely, several key contributors to the original Lollipop Chainsaw have reportedly been left out of the new version’s development. 

“Yeah, nobody even reached out, it was really confusing to me,” said filmmaker James Gunn, who scripted the original version of the game and reported that he hasn’t been contacted about the remake. “I’ve gotten some answers, though. It turns out once a game is ten years old, a lot of the technology they have these days just automatically starts working on a remaster of a game. You’d be surprised how much of it is automated. The rumor is the only reason those Grand Theft Auto remasters came out so bad was because some guy’s boot got stuck in the machine.” 

As of press time, you saw a trailer for a remake of a movie you always meant to check out but probably still won’t ever get around to seeing.

Ranked: Video Game Customization By How Easily I Can Make a Penis-Shaped Thing in It

Posted on by Just Lunning

With so many games available, It can be difficult to determine which are worth playing. Luckily there’s a hard and fast symbol that, if you can finish it with ease, will separate those that are slow to rise from the cream of the crop. I’ve ranked the top ten games in existence by the only thing that matters –– how easy it is to create a penis-shaped thing. 

Any game that allows you to create a fully recognizable cock is at the apex of gaming. The easier it is to create a member, the quicker you’ll get my attention. Extra points if the imagery has a purpose outside of being a copy of male genitalia. Here are the top 10 games, ranked by how easily I can craft a big honking dong in them.

#10 — Tetris

Like any good johnson, a schlong created in Tetris is an impressive sight.  Similar to real-world ginormous willies, pulling this off is mostly luck-based. You need the right combination of long big pieces to make the shaft and those curvy pieces (well, by block standards) to make the scrotum. It’s no easy task, but a real Tetris master can get it done.

#9 — Minecraft 

Making boners happen here is a laborious task, necessitating a team and countless hours of supportive dialogue. Despite the time commitment, a Minecraft-made stiffy is one of the most impressive things ever.  Once created, you could spend hours scaling this digital cock. Even more time spent jumping from the suspended cum platforms that your creation spews. 

#8 — Kingdom Hearts 3

Source

Every Kingdom Hearts planet has one thing in common: you can penetrate the atmosphere using a giant virile whang. It doesn’t matter if you’re meeting Mickey Mouse or Xenonort, you can always arrive in style by riding a cock shaped Gummi-ship to my destination. Flying on the cock of your dream requires some work. Be prepared to spend up to an hour designing your phallic spacecraft.

#7 — Spore

Source

You can be a living, breathing penis. This takes a minute, but you can also make your hands, fingers, nostrils, and other body parts into penises. However this is a one-time process that has some expansive ramifications. An hour into the game, your tribe will auto-populate with genital-shaped creatures. A few hours after that, your penis pals will be elevated to civilization. No game on here matches what you can do with your homemade pecker in scope. 

#6 — Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

It takes no time at all to create a stage in Super Smash Bros inspired by real-life smashing. But why make your own stage? When custom stages were added to the game in 2019, servers were immediately flooded by cocks. Numerous years have passed since then. You should be able to find a cock that fits your desires within minutes. And then, instead of fighting over it, you can fight on top of it! What’s an orgy without the Smash Bros?

#5 — LittleBigPlanet

A game starring a character called “Sackboy” is as explicit as you might expect. You can easily make your playable character into a dick or you can quarantine your NSFW interests to levels found across the game. Using the robust creation tools you can make a shoddy penis in minutes or you can spend some more time molding a reactive cock that can move on its own. Or, like in the above video, you can make a rocket penis car that you propel into an equally well crafted set of lady parts. The world is your oyster. 

#4 — Soul Calibur

While Smash includes a cock that can be fought on, Soul Calibur completes the circle with a groin you can use to smack characters. The biggest reason to ever touch this fighting game is to beat people up with a large cock. Follow this YouTube tutorial to add a meat stick to your favorite character in less than 10 minutes. The ease of creating family jewels propels this one to nearly the top of this list.

#3 — Mii Creator 

In just a minute (as much time as it takes to wash your hands of filth), you can make a Mii face into a penis. A literal dick face. The phallic physiognomy transformation can then be used in all the Mii-compatible games like Mario Kart and Smash. This is a quick dick transformation that will come with you to all the big party games.

#2 — Genshin Impact 

Once you’ve unlocked the Serenitea Pot custom home designer after 15-ish hours of play you can make a phallus in seconds. But you have to be sneaky about it. It’s nearly impossible to erect a straightforward cock. Instead, you must craft a structure that will cast a weenie-shaped shadow on the ground.

#1 — Animal Crossing: New Horizons

There are numerous ways to swiftly make a penis, each greater than the last. Your first chance to craft a penis comes when you open your land. You may name your island something cheeky like 8==D or Pen Island. It’s a fine reflection of a cum launcher, but you can do better. 

Once you unlock Terraforming, your penile powers will grow. You can create the phallic pond of your dreams. Or a later New Horizons’ unlock allows you to bring your favorite boner to the island. Upload a pristine pecker photo to this website and you can bring it straight to your island via the Able Sisters. Seasonally, you can also partake in the in-game fireworks festival, where you can create custom fireworks. As you can imagine, this is an easy way to produce your very own penis firework, surpassing human engineering.

Kevin Feige Horrified After Learning Some Sickos Have Watched Every Marvel Movie and TV Show

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige was aghast recently when he learned that there were some fans that had consumed every single Marvel movie and television show that’s been released. 

“Wait…. All of them? No…” Feige reportedly said, upon learning the news. “That can’t be right. That’s impossible. I mean if you like cereals, you don’t go to the supermarket and buy one of every single box, right? That would be insane! This must be a mistake, maybe someone has watched every movie? But not the TV shows too. You know Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ran like six years? Even I stopped watching around season two.”

“Maybe we should stop making these things,” Feige added. “Do people feel obligated to be watching this?! That can’t be right. There’s so fucking many! You’re telling me people have seen Iron Man 2?! As long as they’re not ranking them, I guess. That would really fuck me up.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Feige had a breakdown in the meeting upon hearing there were people who could name every character in the superhero team The Eternals.

“I couldn’t tell you what my name was in that movie if you put a gun to my head,” said actor Angelina Jolie. “And I do fully expect to one day be put in that situation if it’s true that there are depraved sickos out there who have seen every single Marvel movie and TV show. I am confident that I will eventually have a gun to my head and the only way out is to name my character from The Eternals. Which is………… Cor….po? Maybe I’m Morbius? I see that name online a lot, so I must be Morbius.”

Despite not being reached for comment, one of these sickos did attempt to send us a statement, but we were too horrified to handle the letter they sent.