Pokémon Go Player Hospitalized After Encountering MissingNo.

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local Pokémon Go player Jen Wunner, 27, was rushed to the hospital and placed into a medically induced coma after encountering the glitch Pokémon known as “MissingNo.” earlier this week, according to sources close to the matter.

“Jen was just walking up and down Clearwater Beach, looking for Pokémon, when she suddenly stopped watching the TikToks I was sending her,” said Wunner’s boyfriend Josh Abrams. “After 18 minutes with no reply, I called the police. They found her having a seizure on the beach and had her airlifted to the hospital. We still don’t know if she’s going to be okay…”

An examination of Wunner’s possessions confirmed that she had encountered and captured a MissingNo. within the popular mobile game. Authorities also found 99 tablets of ibuprofen in her pockets.

“We haven’t seen a case like this in over 20 years,” said neurosurgeon Dr. Rebecca Palm. “MissingNo. are relatively safe to observe in the wild, but very dangerous if captured. The patient’s memory is totally scrambled, she may recover but she’ll never remember her Hall of Fame Pokémon ever again.”

Nintendo and Niantic have refused to comment on the incident, though word of the glitch is rapidly spreading throughout the online Pokémon Go community.

“I just want to see it for myself,” commented reddit user PkmnGoFYS, who claims to have been walking along a beach in their state searching for their own MissingNo. without any success. “And if it happens to duplicate 99 copies of the $20 bill in my pocket, well then so be it. I’m not scared, I’ll just close my eyes or something. It’s not like mobile games can actually fry your brain.”

At press time, Wunner remains unconscious and largely unresponsive, though MRI scans show spikes of brain activity whenever the name of a Pokémon is mentioned. Reddit user PkmnGoFYS has not been seen online in four days.

Chess Grandmaster Accused of Cheating After Tournament Officials Find Deflated Rook

ST. LOUIS — 19-year-old chess grandmaster Hans Niemann has been accused of cheating in another over-the-board game with World Chess Champion Magnus Carlsen after tournament officials found a slightly deflated rook, according to those familiar with the situation.

“While we cannot say for certain it was Hans who deflated the rook, this could be a key strategy to turn the tides in a game of chess. Magnus is known for his strong endgames, but against another grandmaster, having the ability to more tightly grip a rook could have given Hans the slight edge there. We will be investigating the situation heavily,” explained a tournament official. Carlsen declined to comment on the situation himself, but cryptically tweeted an upside down smiley face emoji and a gif of Wile E. Coyote holding a stick of dynamite that then explodes in his face.

Niemann, however, took accusations of cheating very seriously.

“It’s ridiculous that I’m being accused of something that I completely did not do. I’m just a better player than Magnus and he’s too scared to admit it. I’ll happily play another game with him where I use over-inflated pieces that I can barely wrap my fingers around, if that’s what he wants. I’ll do that thing where little kids wear tee shirts representing the pieces on a life-sized board and we just call out moves and let them walk around for us,” Niemann said, who has, in the past, been banned from Chess.com for using a mod that let him shrink the size of his rooks on his screen. “As for the position itself, my pieces were clearly much stronger. You have to be a moron to not see it. I mean, do you want me to explain 2+2 to you? Because that’s what it’s like trying to explain how I beat the World Champion.”

Despite no credible evidence existing to prove that Niemann used the deflated rook in his game against Carlsen, various chess personalities have commented on the situation at length, both to defend and accuse Niemann.

“Oh my god, chat. Oh my god,” said streamer and grandmaster Hikaru Nakamura, commenting on the situation 14 hours into a Twitch stream. “Chat, oh my god. Chat. Come on, chat. Oh my god, chat.”

As of press time, fans were begging Carlsen to make an official statement after the World Champion tweeted a clip-art drawing of a bishop shooting a rook with a handgun.

How To Unlock Overwatch 2’s Kiriko (And Why Fans Aren’t Happy)

Overwatch 2 will be released into early access on October 4th, 2022, and there will be plenty of new heroes for players to enjoy and experiment with. Specifically, Overwatch 2‘s Kiriko is the hero fans are most excited about. Kiriko is the only of Overwatch 2‘s new heroes at launch that hasn’t been playable in a previous test build. However, Blizzard has made some controversial choices that are coming to the game and have fans revolting and protesting the new unlock system. Kiriko is the first hero that players will be required to unlock, and there are three main methods.

Overwatch 2 Kiriko Unlock Methods: Free Battle Pass

When Overwatch 2 releases, there will also be a season one battle pass. There will be a free tier, and a paid tier. On the free tier, you can unlock heroes such as Kiriko as you play through the game. Blizzard has stated that if you don’t unlock them in this battle pass, then you can wait until the next one and unlock them then. If you want to play through the free tier of the battle pass, it’s level 55 to unlock Kiriko. 

To make it easier for players to unlock these heroes, players have the option to gain XP quickly through daily & weekly challenges. This is an expected move for Blizzard to make. 

Overwatch Coins

By playing Overwatch 2, you can earn Overwatch Coins. Overwatch Coins are an in-game currency used to purchase cosmetics,  and even the premium version of the new battle pass. If you have saved up 1000 Overwatch Coins, then you’ll be able to buy the premium version of the battle pass. Alternatively, you can purchase 1000 Overwatch Coins for the equivalent of $9.99.

When buying the premium battle pass, you will unlock Kiriko instantly instead of grinding to level 55 of the battle pass. These two unlock methods will be the same for every hero in future seasons as well. In the case of Kiriko, though, there’s one other way for players to unlock her.

Unlocking Overwatch 2’s Kiriko: Founder’s Pack

For owners of the original game, unlocking Kiriko will be incredibly simple. Owners of the original Overwatch will receive a Founder’s Pack just for being owners of the original game. To receive this pack, players of the first game simply need to log in during the game’s first season. This season lasts until December 6, giving Overwatch players eight weeks to log in and claim their bonus pack.

In addition, players can buy the Overwatch 2’s Watchpoint Pack. The Watchpoint Pack entitles players to the Season 1 Premium Battle Pass, 7 Legendary skins, 5 Epic skins, & 2,000 Overwatch coins. This may be worth it for players dedicated to cosmetics. However, for new players who just want the new hero, you’re better off grinding the free battle pass or purchasing the premium itself for 1,000 coins.

Despite these options, fans aren’t happy. In the original Overwatch, heroes were unlocked from the start and players wouldn’t have to worry about unlocking them. Even when new heroes were released, players had instant access to them. This has made having to unlock Kiriko a point of contention for many. Some players feel they will have to rush through the game and the battle pass instead of getting the time to enjoy it. Others are concerned that this could potentially lock high-level play behind a paywall if players don’t have time to grind. Because of the options Blizzard has implemented, players are currently divided on the Overwatch 2‘s battle pass system. We will see how fans’ thoughts on this system evolve when Overwatch 2 hits early access on October 4.

Elon Musk Announces Nation Can Pick One Toy from Walmart in Latest Attempt to Buy Public’s Love

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and internet personality Elon Musk shocked the nation Monday by announcing that, in a last-ditch effort to buy the public’s love, everyone could pick out any one toy from Walmart.

“I just want you to love me,” Musk said outside the Walmart. “So I mean it, everyone go and pick out one toy, it’s on me. I’m not skimping on the type of toy either, make it a LEGO set or a Switch game, I don’t care. And before you ask, yes, you can have two small toys in place of one big toy if you so choose. Will this buy your affection for a while? You all like me now, right? I’m the cool tech guy that buys people things. I care about the water in Detroit or something like that. I said I’d fix that, right? And it’s fixed now? Never can remember how that ended. Anyway, go enjoy your toy, and keep it in mind when my next scandal comes out, please.”

Some Americans felt that this move was symbolic of their relationship with Musk.

“This actually completely puts everything in perspective: Elon Musk is like our rich deadbeat dad,” said local man Mark Harpo. “Every once in a while he swoops into our lives and just when you think he might be reformed, he fucks up worse then ever before. You can tell he wants to be liked from the material things he flexes, but his actions are cruel and cold. Reminds me of my dad.”

At press time, an increasingly magnanimous Musk announced that he is allowing all Tesla employees thirty minutes to see their families one last time.

FDA Approves New Drug for Treatment of Kids Who Run Around at Recess Pretending to Be Sonic

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The FDA has approved a radical new drug to treat the condition that makes some little kids run around the schoolyard pretending to be popular video game character Sonic the Hedgehog. 

“I gotta go fast,” exclaimed local 8-year-old Brennan Fuller, a test subject of the controversial new drug that hopes to suppress children’s urges to cosplay as the star of the popular SEGA games during their lunch breaks. “They said I gotta stop going fast and made me take the pill and now I don’t want to run around and be Sonic anymore. Now I just want to sit here.” 

The pill, known as Chaobupril, will soon be readily available for parents all over the country that are seeking a way to simply stop their child from running around and pretending they are that damn hedgehog.

“Oh god, I hope this works,” said Meryl Nichols, a concerned mother whose son really likes to run around and pretend he’s Sonic the Hedgehog. “He spends at least three hours a day pretending he’s Sonic. And I know kids play make believe and all that, but he’s running around at school and really getting himself into trouble. The other day he ran right into the wall and gave himself a bloody nose. We’ve got to put an end to this.”
“He even threw his lunch money on the ground for good measure,” she added. 

The pill was developed by the FDA after years of urging from parents and teachers that got stuck with recess duty. 

“It’s a plague on today’s youth that’s up there with vaping and sneaking into slaughterhouses to make TikToks,” said Janet Woodcock, Principal Deputy Commissioner of the FDA. “And while I’m happy we were finally able to perfect the science and get this antidote made and distributed, I weep inside for the prior generations of kids we couldn’t save from just zipping all over pretending they were Sonic the Hedgehog. And before you ask, yes, there have been a very small number of cases where side effects were present, and yes, some of the children have turned blue. There’s always side effects, I’m not sure what you want us to say about that.” 

As of press time, the FDA had approved the drug for children 13 and under, with a treatment for adults still in development.

Yahoo.com Voted Best Site to Check If Your Internet Is Working Again

NEW YORK — Venerable internet portal Yahoo.com has won the People’s Choice Webby Award for “Best Site to Check to See If Your Internet Is Working Again,” a spokesperson for the awards organization announced.

“It is a great honor to present this award to Yahoo, who has reliably been there for decades to let us know that yes, we can resume surfing the internet after an outage,” stated Phillis Dowell, spokesperson for the Webby Awards. “Yahoo.com narrowly beat out contenders MSN.com and MySpace.com as websites no one really goes to anymore, but remembers well enough to use as a test. We wish them continued, slight relevance.”

Yahoo’s CEO Jim Lanzone accepted the award with equal parts pride and frustration.

“To be totally honest, this award is quite insulting. But these days, we need to take whatever wins we can get. So, thank you,” conceded Lanzone, who is rumored to have already cleared a spot for the award on a mantle above his desk. “I would like to remind people that we still have useful stuff on our site—Yahoo Finance is still a great hub for information, and I invite you to create extra Yahoo email burner accounts for porn sites and whatnot. Please, use our website.”

IT professionals chimed in on the usefulness of having a stable of infrequently visited websites to confirm changes in network connectivity.

“If your internet goes out, you can’t just go to your familiar websites because they might be cached by your browser. That will make it look like your internet is fine when it isn’t,” explained Bob Mott, Director of Technology at Meadows Financial. “This makes Yahoo a prime candidate to see if your LAN can talk to the outside world. It’s a shame, because I remember when Yahoo was a search engine on par with Google. Now it’s mostly celeb clickbait and email for boomers. Sometimes if I’m feeling really wild, I’ll visit Lycos.com for old times’ sake. I need to start writing my will.”

Yahoo stock is up 73% on the heels of an announcement that Jim Lanzone is further cashing in on nostalgia by bringing back Yahoo’s online Flash billiards game.

How to Improve at Using the Splatana in Splatoon 3

We have, guns, rollers, brushes… of course Splatoon 3 would add a sword, or as the game chooses to call it, a Splatana. Yet, this being Splatoon, it doesn’t function like you’d expect a katana or sword to work. This is to the weapon’s advantage, as this unique weapon is part short-range slicer and part long-range precision straight shooter, one where knowledge of the weapon’s functionality could give you an edge over the competition.

That’s what this guide aims to offer, as we run through everything you need to know to take advantage of this all-new weapon time in Splatoon 3 and unlock the Splatana’s potential.

How to Use Splatana Weapons in Splatoon 3

The Splatana works similarly to the Brush weapon in Splatoon 3, requiring a fast trigger finger in order to fire at full speed and take on opponents. Tapping the ZR button will produce a sideways swipe of the Splatana, producing a wide-range sweep of the area that covers an area of the ground directly in front of you with ink. While it may lack in range, this has a surprisingly-wide field of attack that can hit weapons to your side while offering great coverage, and can be used to great advantage in Turf War.

Holding the ZR button will charge the weapon, allowing you to fire a narrower, stronger shot that carries a long-distance precision vertical swipe directly in front of you. This can deal significant damage to characters directly in front of you, while also hitting enemies outside of the range of many shooters and even those above you thanks to its vertical shot radius. Moving when releasing the button will also slightly push your character forwards as they swipe, slightly extending the range.

This also makes this charge shot perfect for inking walls to swim up in order to swim up to higher platforms, offering you a further advantage for distance and the range of devastation these shots can inflict on other players.

What are the Different Types of Splatana Weapons Available?

As of Splatoon 3’s launch there are just two Splatanas available to use. These are:

  • Splatana Wiper (Unlocked at Level 5)
  • Splatana Stamper (Unlocked at Level 15)

The key differences between these two brushes comes in their speed and range. The Splatana Wiper is a speed-based weapon, with specials that lean into this. Your attacks with the Wiper are slightly weaker compared to the Splatana Stamper, and the weapon possesses slightly less range, however it makes up for these shortfalls by being able to quickly unleash both short and long range attacks before opponents can effectively react. The Stamper has a longer range, but is noticeably slower.

With a shorter range, you likely would wish to use the Wiper in close-range combat, taking on opponents from the front line while clearing turf in Turf War. The Wiper’s Ultra Stamp special is also one where you need to be in the midst of battle take full advantage of squishing your enemies.

The Splatana Stamper in Splatoon 3, on the other hand, is more effective from a distance, with a range that could even see it be used similarly to an offensive-driven sniper who can take charge from a height and jump into the heat of the fight when the moment demands it. This dive into the action is facilitated by the Zipcatcher special that allows for a temporary jump into the heart of the battle.

What are the Best Support Abilities to Use With Splatana Weapons?

Ink Saver (Sub), alongside Quick Super Jump and Sub Resistance (Up) are the best support abilities for Splatana weapons in Splatoon 3. You will want to remain in combat as much as possible and cause as much difficulty for your opponent as possible due to the Splatana’s speedy and tricky utility in combat. Reducing the amount of times you are splatted, and jumping quickly into battle if you are splatted, become major priorities with the Splatana.

The Quick Super Jump ability can be used in offensive and defensive scenarios, allowing you to jump into the heat of battle or jump out to another player or base if you’re in an untenable situation. A limited increase in speed here can ensure you have the flexibility to use this frequently to stay alive and jump in and out of battle, with Sub Resistance reducing damage from things like bombs.

The ink consumption on your main attacks with both Splatana weapons is minimal even for charged attacks, making Ink Saver for your main weapons a low priority. Using bombs takes up significantly more ink, however, and reducing this so as not to impact your main shots is important.

What is the Best Strategy to Use With Splatana Weapons in Splatoon 3?

The best Splatana weapon strategy in Splatoon 3 is to use it as an offensive weapon for covering ink and clearing enemies. Regularly taking advantage of charge attacks and their relatively short charge times will ensure you deal maximum damage, while rapid fire taps offer a wide radius that can offer much-needed crowd control to assist for kills from your opponent when in situations where multiple enemy squids are located in close proximity.

With this in mind, the weapon is most effective in Turf War and Splat Zones due to their turf covering capabilities and the tendency of Splat Zones players to converge in close proximity within the target zone.

Taking a front-line approach and being willing to throw yourself into combat situations without putting yourself at a disadvantage to clear the field for the rest of your team is going to be key to taking your team to victory. This will allow shooters with a greater splatting capability to finish the job or make the more direct push after you have weakened your opponents or created avenues for attack via turfing the field.

What is the Best Splatana Weapon in Splatoon 3?

The best Splatana Weapon in Splatoon 3 is dependent on the mode being played. While we would not recommend using the weapon in Clam Blitz or Tower Control, we can recommend the use of the Splatana Stamper in Splat Zones and the Splatana Wiper in Turf Control.

This is due to the different goals and win conditions in each mode. Control over the Splat Zone requires both control of the turf and retaining player advantage in non-splatted players over your opponent. With this in mind, a stronger weapon like the Stamper, utilizing its ability to take grand offensive gestures using the Zipcaster that push deep into enemy territory or allow you to attack from behind, offers flashy game-winning plays that help claim and retain control of the all-important zone.

In Turf War, combat is less prioritized over turf coverage, making the coverage and range of the Splatana Wiper a more useful asset in quickly covering your team’s base and taking enemy turf, especially in those crucial final thirty seconds.

Ensuring you have the correct support abilities, gain an understanding for enemy positioning, and cover as much ground as possible to ensure you have the flexibility to attack both from all heights and distances, will give you the unpredictability and strength needed to win with the Splatana in Splatoon 3.

Woman Only Buys Ancient Wizard Robe of Infinite Power Because It Has Pocket Dimensions

THE MIDDLE REALM — A local woman has saved up enough rupees to purchase the legendary Robe of Infinite Power, but only because it has pocket dimensions, bewildered sources have confirmed. 

“She came down from the mountain and purchased the robe, just as the prophecy foretold,” said Ligganswerm the Shopkeeper. “But when I asked if she knew the path to the Dark Lord Malbath’s castle, she said she wasn’t really worried about it and just started putting stuff from her purse into her pockets. We aren’t going to be saved from The Reckoning after all, are we?” 

The woman, who was initially presumed to be the town’s savior, insisted she was just trying to leave the house without a bag once in a while. 

“Sorry to get everyone’s hopes up,” she said. “But now you know how I feel every time I think I buy pants with a pocket in them only to find out they’re sewn shut for some reason? What can I say, life is unfair. This robe is sick, though. Great pocket dimensions. Sorry to hear about your Dark Lord problems. That really sucks for everybody.” 

As of press time, the Dark Lord Malbeth’s minions had entered the town’s outskirts, and the woman had discovered that there was even a little pocket dimension on the inside of the robe.

Gamer Optometrist Boots Up ‘Cities: Skylines’ Menu to Administer Eye Exam

DES MOINES, Iowa — An optometrist who enjoys gaming in his free time has once again booted up Cities: Skylines to administer an eye exam to a patient, sources have confirmed. 

“Okay, read that text on the bottom left of the screen, about how to place your roads,” said Dr. Pete Worthington to his patient earlier today, administering what has become his standard eye test. “Just read it for as long as you can and tell me when you start to feel a splitting headache.”

The unorthodox examination method proved difficult for the new patient, who struggled through the exam.

“Let’s… start… by… building… some… roads,” said Greg Cortese while squinting at the screen and slowly losing steam. “Say doc, I can’t really read this that well and my whole face is starting to hurt. Is this normal? I feel like I might need more than new glasses at this point. How the hell can anyone read this shit?”

The game’s menu design has been described by those in the healthcare profession as “dumb.”

The eye exam has been administered by Dr. Worthington since the city building simulator’s release in 2015, despite the objections of its creators.

“This is meant to be a building game in the lineage of Sim City and games like that,” said Karoliina Korppoo, a lead designer on Cities: Skylines. “Not a tool used to administer eye exams. You’re only scratching the surface of what this game is capable of. We have over a dozen expansions that have greatly expanded the scale of our already huge game. Please, don’t just write the entire thing off because of its difficult to read text, and for the love of god, stop using it to give people eye exams!”  

As of press time, Dr. Worthington was seen fucking around in Cities: Skylines before he saw his next patient.

Splatoon 3 Salmon Run: Tips And Tricks

Salmon Run is a substantial side mode in Splatoon. First added in Splatoon 2, it returns in the third game as a fleshed-out supplement to the game’s main battle types. It’s a good pick for players who like teamwork more than epic esports kill compilations: unlike the main 4 vs. 4 mode, Salmon Run is a team of 4 against waves of computer-controlled enemies. It doesn’t make you face other players, but when the Salmonids come out in full force it can be a real challenge to keep your head above water. Here’s some basic info for Splatoon 3 Salmon Run to help players get a quicker start in this fish fight.

The goal of Salmon Run is to kill Boss Salmonids and take the Golden Eggs they drop to the provided basket. Gather enough before time runs out, and you win. Simple.

Don’t Play Splatoon 3 Salmon Run

Splatoon 3 Grizzco officeWait, hear me out. There’s a proper time and place for it. Players just starting Splatoon 3 might want to avoid this mode at first. It’s more complex than default modes, including a bunch of unique mechanics that require explanation. It also forces you to use a random weapon that changes between waves. These weapons could be from deep in the unlock list, so a player with just the Splattershot Jr. will quickly find themselves lost when handed a paintbrush mid-fight.

It makes sense to start with a bunch of default Turf War or Hero Mode (the single player). They both teach the basics of inking, which you’ll need to know on top of all the unique Salmon Run dangers. The flip side, though, is that Salmon Run lets you try out strange new weapons in a live-fire setting for free. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if a new player is brave enough, they might learn something new.

Teamwork Makes The Bream Work

splatoon 3 salmon run teamwork

Good teamplay is vital in Splatoon 3 Salmon Run. There’s no map like in Turf War, so being able to manually keep track of your allies’ locations is a must. Being too far away from your team leaves you vulnerable, since another teammate will have trouble reaching your corpse if you die. Being right next to your team also leaves you vulnerable, since many Boss Salmonids have big, splashy attacks that can hit multiple people if they’re grouped up. You have to be close enough to provide support, but not close enough to become collateral damage.

Communication is a little more important than usual here since there’s no map. Call out “this way” if you need your team’s attention. It changes to “help” if you’re dead, making it slightly more obvious where your teammates should look for your body. Don’t forget to “booyah” when the prompt comes up – that’s someone using the Booyah Bomb.

Salmon Run Skills 4 Kills

splatoon 3 salmon run golden eggs

Some Splatoon 3 game mechanics are especially important in Salmon Run. Inking the ground won’t earn you points or charge your super meter, but ink means safety. Paint the floor whenever you can. Speaking of super meter, in Splatoon 3 Salmon Run each player gets two supers for free. It’s tempting to want to hoard these like any other video game consumable. There’s a principle in roguelikes that applies here, though: If you die without using your consumables, that’s a free option you chose not to use.

There’s a special move in this mode as well, unique to Splatoon 3: the Egg Toss. Hold and release the Golden Egg deposit button to fling your egg forward like a grenade. It lets players score from a distance – it’s fast and you’ll look cool doing it. Great for last-second saves. Be aware that it consumes a lot of ink. The same as a grenade: two thirds of your tank. If you use it strategically, though, it has several applications. For example, you can transport multiple Golden Eggs by throwing them individually.

Splatoon 3 Salmon Run: Why Are These Boss Fish So Evil?

splatoon griller attack

 

The core challenge of Salmon Run is dealing with the threat of multiple Boss Salmonids at the same time. Many of these are simple to deal with – shoot them until they die – but a few take a little extra effort. All of them have strategy tips in the in-game handbook, as well as a practice option in the “not basics” section. Here are some specifics to watch out for.

  • Steelhead: A big, armored fish. It makes bombs atop its head and throws them: shoot the bomb while it’s forming to kill the Steelhead. Best handled by someone with range. If you see it bend over, it’s about to start making the bomb. Be ready to strike.
  • Steel Eel: Shoot the tip of its tail and it dies fast… unless you’re its target. If it’s after you, try to lead it away from your team or it can mess up the battlefield.
  • Stinger: Easily dealt with (just shoot its tower), but it spawns far away and hits hard from a distance. If you notice one, it’s worth chasing down. Be ready to sidestep if it’s on you.
  • Drizzler: Looks like a metal umbrella. Fully armored until it takes a shot. Camp it to death.
  • Flipper-Flopper: A big jumping fish. You can hit it in the air, but it’s better to ink the spot it’s about to land. It’ll crash down and become vulnerable.
  • Slammin’ Lid: A UFO! Bait it down with a quick step beneath it, then back out.
  • Big Shot: If you see enemy shockwaves, that’s artillery fire from a Big Shot. Jump over the shockwaves and hunt down the Big Shot, who has no defenses. Once it’s dead, now’s your chance to use its cannon to launch Golden Eggs close to the basket.
  • Griller: This one only spawns during a special wave. Follow the same pattern as Steel Eel: Evade if it’s chasing you so your allies can break it.
  • Flyfish: Uh-oh.

The Flyfish

splatoon 3 flyfish guide

The Flyfish is a problem. It looks like a little guy with two garbage buckets strapped to it. Naturally, it can fly. It’s invulnerable unless its buckets are open, and can only be damaged by a thrown bomb in the bucket. That’s an expensive projectile at fairly close range that has to be aimed carefully and quickly, before the bucket closes again. If your team (understandably) decides that’s too much trouble, the Flyfish will continuously launch high-damage missile strikes on everyone. This is the deadliest Boss Salmonid in Splatoon 3 Salmon Run. It should be your priority target whenever it appears.

Splatoon 3 Salmon Run: The Bonus Round

splatoon 3 salmon run king salmonid cohozuna

The climax of Splatoon 3 Salmon Run is when the big friend appears. This can happen at the end of a third wave if any of the participating players have a full King Salmonid bar, which fills after successful Salmon Runs and isn’t visible to other players. In other words, this could happen anytime, so don’t celebrate too early. The victory chime will sound distorted when the King is approaching. King Salmonid is horrifying, but it’s a good thing for him to show up. Even if he kills everybody, you get all the rewards from the preceding waves, along with a bonus based on how much damage the King took.

Of course, it’s better to win. The King takes damage from your ink, but the best way to fight back is by killing the Boss Salmonids around him. That keeps your team a bit safer and spawns Golden Eggs, which are used as powerful cannon shots against King Salmonid. The more damage, the more scales: a unique currency for buying stuff from the rewards station at Grizzco.

Final Thoughts

grizzco training room

Splatoon 3 Salmon Run is a weird alternate mode compared to Turf War, but it’s worth trying. Doing well earns you tons of cash for the in-game stores, and it’s a fun challenge to boot. The stage and available weapons rotate every couple of days, so if it’s not going well, it can be worth waiting for next rotation. Just like the Turf War lobby, it has a dedicated training room to help you practice with the weirder weapons.  The unmarked blue crate by the Grizzco terminal lets you switch between them during practice. Remember, you’re forced to use all four sooner or later, so getting good with every one of them will benefit your Salmon Run efforts.