Piracy Isn’t Theft, But While We’re Talking, Theft Can Also Be Pretty Cool

Listen, listen, I know we’ve had this conversation a thousand times. I can’t say I really expect anybody to change their mind because I wanted to have it for the thousand-and-first time. But look, despite what the RIAA, or the MPAA, or some exec at a AAA game company might tell you, piracy is simply not the same thing as the theft of physical goods. But also, honestly, would it be so bad if it were?
 
Many people base their arguments on the idea that a “lost sale” is the same thing as losing an item to theft. There are several problems with this. First of all, who says a given person was going to buy the item they pirated to begin with? You can’t lose a sale if there never was a sale. Second, when a physical item is stolen, its owner loses it. When a copy is made and distributed, the IP owner still has everything they had before. So the idea that downloading a pirated copy of Warcraft 3 is taking food out of Bobby Kotick’s mouth is just utterly ludicrous. All that said, I also feel it is very important to stress that taking food out of Bobby Kotick’s mouth is entirely just, and in fact would be extremely funny. And if, for example, instead of food it was approximately $5,000 worth of South African Krugerrands that were smuggled stateside in the ‘80s, why should that change anything? Those shouldn’t be in his mouth to begin with!
 
Look, I understand that unauthorized file sharing is illegal. That’s not what I’m trying to argue about here. But legality doesn’t dictate morality. For example, imagine if I were an anthropomorphic raccoon who ran a gang of thieves. Would that be morally wrong? Are we really going to argue against the morality of Sly Cooper? And as the old saying goes, what’s good for the raccoon furry is good for the human. So if that raccoon furry can be morally justified in quietly accumulating millions of dollars worth of anonymous gold coins, why can’t this human be morally justified in downloading a Minish Cap ROM, and maybe also getting a couple thousand dollars in gold Krugerrands? Illegally importing valuable currencies sure sounds like a Clockwerk move to me!

Again, I get it. We’re all pretty much set in our opinions on this. I’m not really trying to convince anyone, I just feel like sometimes it’s important that we express ourselves. Right now, what I want to express is that if I could walk into a Walmart and copy what I find on the shelves, it would just be unreasonable to say that I was wrong to do so. I would also like to express that it’s unreasonable to say that I would be wrong to just take what’s on the shelves, because anything that’s bad for Walmart is good by default.

Really, the main point here is this: fuck Bobby Kotick, fuck the Waltons, and everyone should stop looking for the gold that allegedly disappeared from my elderly South African neighbor’s house.

 

Sorry Our ‘Armored Core 6’ Review is So Late: We Got Real Busy Making Decals

Armored Core 6: Fires of Rubicon is the latest game from beloved gaming company FromSoftware, and the first mech game from the company in almost ten years. Fans have been eagerly awaiting the game, as well as reviews of it from their favorite gaming publications. We at Hard Drive are totally planning on doing one still, but we just got really distracted by making sick-ass decals.

There is a lot to like in this game. From the get-go, you are tasked with piloting an Armored Core, a ten-meter-high conglomeration of metal and weapons that’s perfect for displaying pictures of random things you thought of while high at 2 a.m. The ‘Daddy’s Girl’ image above, for instance, was created in AC6’s Image Editor and is currently being used as the emblem for a mech. How awesome/terrifying/confusing is that? Imagine coming across a mech with that emblazoned on their chest; you have no idea whether to applaud them, be angry, or run in fear. 

My suburban-ska-punk-with-four-legs mech rockin’ some decals

Fires of Rubicon has a lot of moments like this where inspiration for an awesome decal design can strike. For instance, early on you’re battling a helicopter five times your size. In traditional FromSoft fashion, defeating it is necessary to move on to the important part of the game, because you unlock the Image Editor after you beat it. As I was slamming my electric blade into the cockpit to deal the final blow, I thought “What would my mech look like if I bought it at a discount from Toys R Us?” Now I have this decal on the back of my Core:

The most important aspect of a  mech game like this is customization, which you won’t have to worry about here. Decals can have up to 100 layers, and you can choose from a wide variety of clip art and text (which has multiple fonts) with pretty decent editing tools, or you can use pre-made decals that are cool on their own. I assume there’s also plenty of guns, legs, and other parts to change up your mechs, but none of that matter since you can make your giant robot’s emblem look like it’s for sale at a head shop next to some incense.

There’s plenty to talk about when it comes to AC6, including whether or not this is made for new fans or old die-hards, or whether the sense of exploration from the Souls games is still here in a game that’s strictly mission-based. None of that matters since I’ll be spending the next few hours trying to improve on my awesome Viking dinosaur. So again, sorry for the delay. Our Armored Core 6 review is, uh, coming soon, I guess. 

Progressive Gamer Says He Doesn’t Even See Frame Rate

SAN DIEGO — With technological advancements in gaming making frame rate even more important than graphical prowess in the eyes of many gamers, progressive gamer Garrett Hunter claims to not even see or notice frame rate whatsoever.

“Listen, I don’t even care that Starfield is capped at 30 frames per second,” said Hunter. “To be honest, I don’t even notice it. I put 200 hours into Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom and I wasn’t bothered by it there either. People were telling me that it dips during combat-intensive segments, but I gotta say: I don’t even see frame rate. I just see video games.”

Hunter’s friends were quick to respond and point out the ignorance of his statements.

“By saying that he doesn’t even see frame rate, he’s straight up denying that there’s a problem here,” explained Hunter’s friend Derek Acosta. “It’s a systemic issue that goes a lot deeper than some visual inconsistencies here and there. I bought an Xbox Series X just to play Starfield– a triple-A video game, mind you, and I expect it to run at a frame rate that’s pretty much industry-standard at this point. Sure I could’ve chosen not to spend 70 bucks on it, plus tax, but then I would be turning a blind eye to a real problem here. Plus, all my friends are playing it.”

Hunter was reportedly unbothered by the pushback he received from others on the issue.

“Oh, what, am I gonna get canceled on social media for saying that I don’t even notice the lack of fluidity in my character’s movements?” said Hunter. “I don’t even care. Let them get mad at me. I’m just psyched to create my own character, build my own ship, and explore the vast reaches of outer space from the comfort of my living room. If these people are so obsessed with putting video games into these individual boxes and categories, then maybe they shoulda saved up and got a PC that could actually run the damn game.”

At press time, Hunter had returned his copy of Starfield to GameStop for store credit after having it crash on start-up several times in a row.

“I Never Said That,” Our Interview With Masahiro Sakurai

We sat down with game developer, YouTuber, and creator of Kirby and Super Smash Bros. Masahiro Sakurai to discuss his impact on the gaming industry and to defend bold statements he may or may not have made.

How do you feel about your likeness being used on the internet in ‘memes’?

“It makes me considerably uncomfortable to see my face next to things that I did not say.”

‘Never ask me for anything ever again’ is such an iconic statement and quite a brave one for a game developer to come out and say publicly. What inspired that specifically?

“I never said that.”

Is Kirby nice?

“I wouldn’t know. He isn’t real. Or at least he stopped answering my calls 6 years ago. Maybe he was never real.”

What made you want to start a YouTube channel?

“I don’t trust anyone but myself to make video games correctly. I hope that my channel can impart some wisdom on the next generation of people with my exact background and tastes.”

If Nintendo called you and asked you to direct the next Super Smash Bros. game right now, what would you do?

“I’d punch a hole in my wall and then agree to the proposal. Nobody else could do it properly besides me.”

Who are some of your favorite YouTubers?

“None. I detest the platform. I use it purely out of necessity because, again, no one else could do the job correctly besides me.”

Is Metaknight cool in real life?

“Yes, he is fucking awesome.”

Do you feel that you have made an overall positive impact on the gaming industry at large?

“I suppose so. But only because I had to do 17 jobs at once because it’s just easier than training new employees or communicating things to others.”

Why are you so insistent on taking on so many roles during game development?

“Have you ever gone online and seen how demanding some of these fans are? If I don’t give them what they want, exactly how they want it, I fear for the safety of both me and my family. As a result, it simply must be done, I suppose.”

Who was the hardest character to get the rights to for development of Super Smash Bros.?

“Mario. Nintendo is very protective of him. As a matter of fact, I’ve received DMCA strikes for every single first-party character included. The first time I didn’t get one was when I added Snake to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Kojima practically begged me to add him.”

Why did you put so much emphasis on touch screen controls in Kid Icarus: Uprising?

“So that people who play my games and insist upon so much from me can feel at least a fraction of the bone crushing wrist pain that I experience every day during game development.”

Which Super Smash Bros. character do you relate to the most?

“Hmm, let’s see… none of them.”

All right then, well, which colored block from your smash-hit puzzle game Meteos do you relate to the most?

“The blue one!”

What is King Dedede’s favorite food?

“Can we please talk about menu design or something?”

Sure, fine. What’s up with all those wacky Simon Says-looking menus in your games?

“My wife Michiko works on the graphical interfaces for my games. She gets a little freaky with it sometimes, but I like it like that. She is inspired by the works of Pablo Picasso, mostly.”

Can you share your skincare techniques with our audience? A lot of people have remarked that you’re seemingly ageless.

“Yes– I work 90 hours a week, smoke 12 cigarettes a day, and make sure to only sleep for two hours a night. Hope that helps.”

What are your thoughts on Waluigi?

“He is a nasty pervert man who gets off on disappointing fans’ expectations. I guess you could say I assist him in that regard, and that’s all I’m at liberty to say on that topic.”

Can you at least tell us a little bit about your cat?

“Yes! Her name is Fukurashi and she means the absolute world to me, even more than video games. I would die for her, as it were.”

Is Geno going to be in the new Super Smash Bros. from day one, or will he be DLC?

“Geno is never going to be in the game, you freaks. I’m tired of being contacted about this. Never ask me for anything ever again.”

Hey, you just said it!

“That’s it, I’m outta here.”

Starfield Digipick Guide: Where to Find & How to Use Digipicks

Looking to find more Digipicks in Starfield? Lockpicking has been a prevalent feature in most Bethesda games even before the days of games such as Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. Since there are a multitude of different lockpicking styles in games, many were curious to see if Starfield would include a minigame of sorts.

Fans can rejoice, as Starfield does indeed have a lockpicking mini-game (and a really good one at that). However, unlike the days of Elder Scrolls and Fallout, this system works a bit differently, albeit with the same structure. Meaning, while the act of lockpicking is different, you still need a device of some sort to break into things with. And for this game, we’re going to enter the universe and figure out how to use Digipicks in Starfield.

How to Use Digipicks in Starfield

How to Use Digipicks in Starfield minigameYou aren’t able to use a Digipick on every lock right away, since each one has a set difficulty assigned to it. As such, you’ll need to invest more skill points into the Security skill in order to pick harder locks. But assuming you are able to pick a lock, press the interact button and a new screen will pop-up. Giving us the perfect opportunity to find out how to use Digipicks in Starfield.

You’ll see a bunch of circles layered inside each other in the middle of the screen with sections of those circles missing, along with the difficulty of the lock in the top right. And towards the middle right side of the screen, there are some dashes intersecting with smaller circles. These are the individual digits, and you’ll need to figure out which ones slot into the lock efficiently. When you successfully cover all the openings in one circle it will disappear revealing the next layer, and by completing each layer you will have successfully picked the lock.

How to Get Digipicks in Starfield

Digipicks are the items that you’ll be using during your time exploring the stars. When you first get a glimpse of the item in game, you’ll think that you stumbled across one of those tiny flashlights you’d attach to your backpack. Furthermore, a Digipick doesn’t take up any inventory space and can be bought and sold from many vendors across star systems.

There are some Digipicks you come across by just playing the game and looting, but if you need a few quickly, head on over to Jemison who’s located next to the fountain square in New Atlantis. Figuring out how to use Digipicks in Starfield on the other hand, can take a bit of practice. And since there aren’t any Tears of the Kingdom duplication glitches in Starfield, you’ll want to take advantage of every lockpick you have.

Here’s a Roundup of the Dumbest ‘Starfield’ Takes We’ve Seen

Nowadays, you can only measure a game’s value by the amount of controversy it incites among people who don’t know anything about it. By that measure, it would appear that we can already declare Starfield one of the greatest games of all time. Here’s a list of the dumbest Starfield takes we got our eyes on before the game was even properly out.

Dude complaining about the start screen

One former World Of Warcraft developer predicted the absolute failure of Starfield by noting that its start screen wasn’t, like, amazing-looking.

A good title screen provides a neat touch, yeah, but a simpler one can provide the perfect start for a journey that only gets better along the way. Think about that or, better yet, don’t, because once we begin nitpicking this, we’ll begin nitpicking everything.

PS: The start screen of every other Bethesda games only struck you as great because they featured awesome music.

Dude complaining about not being able to land ON GAS

There’s this dude complaining that you cannot land on Saturn, a planet that has nothing to land on because it’s made out of gas. He’s gonna be so mad when he learns that, I assume, he also won’t be able to land on the stars of a game called Starfield.

This is like complaining that you don’t get to have sex with a reaper in Mass Effect. Nobody ever complained about any weird thing about Mass Effect and boy, that series was rife with freaky stuff. Man, Mass Effect 2 was so good. Will they ever make a sequel for that?

Everyone started to make fun of some hater after he made an argument that exploration is a lie because you can’t land and explore gas giants.
byu/MEMEY_IFUNNY inStarfield

Dude complaining about real moon not looking realistic enough

To troll a friend who’s really demanding when it comes to graphics, this little devil sent him a picture of the real moon, claiming it was the moon in Starfield. His friend was naturally not impressed, claiming that it just didn’t look realistic enough. 

Remember devs, there’s no longer a point in making graphics that don’t look more realistic than real life. I hope you enjoy your job’s standards.

Dude correctly complaining about hats but then going on a dumb racist rant

The first half of this dude’s complaint is right. It’s pretty weird that you’d want to colonize space to just turn it into the Wild West you desperately tried to escape from. Good job. The second half of his point, however, is just racist bullshit. We almost got rid of these fucking dumbass cowboy hats in space games, but now this idiot has set back our noble main quest by like two more decades.

This is how you make a good point against hats:

Dude complaining about pronouns

This dude perfectly displays what I believe is Starfield’s “overly dramatic” trait by going on an unhinged rant about something as simple as you getting to pick your pronouns in a game about choice in a setting where players shouldn’t need to be concerned with weird cavemen-level takes.

Man, random fans are so weird. oh wait, here’s DrDisrespect having the exact same type of meltdown you’d only expect from a nameless weirdo who gets to dive back into the shadows until all this blows over.

This dude who just wants to stop flirting with this sexy male cowboy

Imagine being a Christian so mad at the gays of planet earth that you accept making a truce with science to go to space, and the first person you see there is a bi-cowboy that you start flirting with.

If only these options were somehow more optional than “completely optional,” then maybe far-right lunatics would be way more chill about stuff.

This dude claiming Starfield fans are the smartest

To cap it all off with some positivity, we have this dude saying that Starfield fans are the smartest in the world. How cool!

From all of us here, THANK YOU
byu/ToddBethesda inStarfield

Edit: oh my god, I’m so sorry. It turns out that this dude is a man named Todd Howard, a person seemingly somewhat involved with the development of Starfield — maybe the guy who does the start screens, idk, but definitely not the guy Bethesda’s boss tasks with reading Internet comments.

‘Mario Kart’ Announces DLC Truck Nuts

KYOTO, Japan —  Mario Kart producer Hideki Konno released a video announcing that while Mario Kart 9 will not be released anytime soon, Mario Kart 8 will continue to release DLC, most notably a set of truck nuts coming to the game very soon. 

“You’ve got to choose your character, your vehicle, your wheels, your gliders, and now players will finally be able to choose what nuts should dangle off the back of their karts,” Konno explained in shocking Nintendo Direct released earlier this morning. “You will be able to choose from options such as ‘Classic’ style, spotted for toad, some big hairy ones for Tanooki, and much more! We’ll leave what’s going on with the Dry Bones ones as fun surprise for everybody.” 

Programming Director Tatsuya Takadera appeared onscreen next to explain further.

“Each truck nut will have its own advantages and disadvantages to the physics of your kart,” he said. “Many will add a little weight, but increase the acceleration. Meanwhile, King Boo Balls will be all about that drift. You’ll have to see for yourself which combination is best, but I recommend everyone try out the Gold Mario Truck Nuts on the Wild Wiggler. Especially when they get cracked by a red shell.”

Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser appeared next, as the truck nut-focused video breached the half hour point. 

“Nintendo America has had a great deal in advising the nuts to make sure they are really captured authentically,” he said.  “Let’s face it, nobody knows truck nuts like Americans. This is only the beginning, too. After a few more months of crunching, we will soon be able to include COEXIST bumper stickers, Calvin peeing decals, and back seats filled with fast food wrappers.”

The truck nuts update, known as Ver 2.4.1, will be released on Feb 17th, 2024 to coincide with Larry The Cable Guy’s birthday.

Zelda Dungeon Bosses Put Each Of Their Keys Into Bowl At Ganondorf’s Swinger Party

HYRULE — Ganondorf recently invited all of his top dungeon bosses and their spouses together for their annual key party, sources have confirmed. 

“I look forward to this every year. All my favorite temple bosses will be arriving with their respective partners” Ganondorf exclaimed. “My bowl for all the keys is ready as well as the treasure sound effect to trigger every time someone pulls one out. I hang golden Skulltulas on the wall, it’s the whole reason I wanted this castle.”

In addition to the locals, each year Ganondorf also invites dungeon bosses from Termina, Lorule, and the Twilight Realm, though it is unspecified which ones would be coming due to a confusing timeline of when each exists.

“I’ll be bringing a big Octo who used to live inside Jabu-Jabu’s Belly. Volvagia will be bringing their partner the Flare Dancer, Bongo Bongo of course will be bringing Dead Hand, and Phantom Ganon will be bringing one of the Poe Sisters, but at this point it’s too late to ask which one it is,” said Morpha, the boss of the Water Temple. “It’s fun, but has its problems. Like Ganondorf himself doesn’t participate. Instead he just plays the organ while we all hook up. Also all the keys all look the same so it’s hard to figure out who gets with who. At least Ganondorf does not invite Twinrova anymore. That was just creepy.”

Impa, the former bodyguard and nursemaid at Hyrule castle, had their opinion.

“I’m just glad he destroyed the old castle instead of having these parties in there,” said Impa. “I’m open minded, but the less I picture with those creatures the better. Those Golden Gauntlets I placed in the castle for the Hero of Time aren’t to make him stronger, you know. They’re just the closest thing to gloves I have to keep him from touching anything gross.”

As of press time, an upside down Hyoi fruit on the castle door seems to indicate that Ganondorf’s latest swingers party has started. ReDeads have already begun sticking their heads in the windows to get what’s become known in Hyrule as a “creep peep.”

 

“Not so Fucking Easy, Is It?” Our Interview With George Lucas

Years after selling his legendary Star Wars franchise to Disney for billions of dollars, the property has never been busier, and ironically, we’ve never heard less from its creator. Hard Drive tracked down George Lucas and he was gracious enough to answer some questions for us. 

 

How did you come up with the idea for Star Wars?

“I was looking up at the sky one night and thought it looked much too peaceful.”

Are you still in touch with any of the cast?

“Harrison sends me hate mail every now and then.”

What is your favorite special effect from one of your movies?

“I’m very proud of the duck boobs in Howard the Duck. That was very challenging. You see, ducks don’t normally have boobs.”

What color would your lightsaber be?

“I don’t know, but I would make sure to secure merchandising rights immediately.”

Why do you call it a laser sword instead of a lightsaber?

“It was always supposed to be called a laser sword. That hack Guinness flubbed the line on the first day of shooting and refused to do a second take, so we were stuck with it.

If you could vacation on any Star Wars planet, which would it be?

“Rather than go to just one place, I would prefer to spend a couple of weeks in an empty room with green walls and have backgrounds from several different planets added to my vacation photos in post.”

What was the most challenging part of making Star Wars?

“Teaching Mark Hamill to use telekinesis. He kept complaining that the X-Wing was too big to lift. I had to stand right outside the frame and do it for him.”

Was Indiana Jones really named after your real-life dog?

“Yes. I name all my characters after pets. I had a gerbil in second grade named Curt Henderson.”

Are you still friends with Steven Spielberg?

“Steven and I are very close. We get together a few times a year and talk shit about James Cameron.”

Is there anything you would change about the prequels movies?

“I always thought the chemistry between Hayden and Natalie was a little too strong in Attack of the Clones. I’d like to get in there and make the dialogue a bit more stunted and awkward.”

Why does R2D2 have so many seemingly random gadgets?

“How else is he supposed to make love to C3PO?”

What’s your opinion of the Star Wars shows on Disney+?

“I haven’t seen them. The only streaming service I use is Tubi. They got the rights to Westworld, you know. I thought I’d never get to watch it!”

Are you still interested in auto racing?

“I drifted away from the hobby after creating the perfect race sequence in Episode I.”

Who would win in a fight, Han Solo or Indiana Jones?

“If I answer that question, Harrison Ford is legally allowed to kill me.”

Did you talk to JJ Abrams at all during the production of Disney’s trilogy?

“I didn’t speak to him at all while he was making his first film, but he called me for advice when he was brought back on for the third movie. He was very concerned because the story made no sense and he had no idea how to save the franchise. I just said, ‘Not so fucking easy, is it?’ and hung up the phone.”

What movie by someone else do you wish you had made?

“The Empire Strikes Back.”

What is your biggest regret?

“I had this theory that I should choose my successor based on how well they could pull off a cowboy hat. I’m not sure that really worked out.”

What did you learn while making THX 1138 that informed your later work?

“THX 1138 is when I found out that movies aren’t real. You have to write stuff and tell people to act it out in front of a camera with costumes and things. I thought all those Flash Gordon serials I had watched growing up really happened.”

Do you see yourself returning to the film industry in any capacity?

“There’s no new projects that interest me at the moment, but I have been toying with the idea of remastering American Graffiti so I can add a CGI alien to the sock-hop scene. We just couldn’t afford to do that when we shot it.”

Do you have any advice for aspiring filmmakers?

“Aim big. Disney is always on the lookout for billion-dollar franchises to buy, especially now that they’ve ruined mine.”

An XBox Fan’s Guide to Being Weird About ‘Starfield’

As the release of Starfield approaches, the Xbox exclusive Bethesda RPG presents devout Xbox fans a unique opportunity to be weirdly smug about the game at every turn. Here is a list of talking points for anyone hoping to be strangely unpleasant about one of the biggest games of the year! 

Starfield is the most anticipated game of the year” 

This is something that absolutely matters. Repeat at a higher volume if necessary. 

“There’s literally only one way to play the best game of the year” 

Then after you’re done talking about Tears of the Kingdom, you can proceed to talk about Starfield

“There is nothing even close to this on the PS5” 

When is the Starfield release date?

As long as no one you’re talking to is aware of the game No Man’s Sky, this is a bulletproof argument. 

“Todd Howard is the sexiest man alive” 

It hardly speaks to the quality of the game, but it can never hurt your argument to introduce this objective fact. 

“This is the best exclusive game of the year!” 

What’s more impressive is Xbox only needed to release two exclusive games all year to achieve this. It’s like they’re showing off!  

“The game is getting good reviews” 

The video game discourse gods have blessed us with another fall spent discussing what the heck a seven out of ten means. It obviously means that while it’s obviously not perfect, it’s still better than most games, and the numbers don’t lie. 

“It takes a few dozen hours to really get good”

Why should you listen to the primitive opinions of people who haven’t even devoted a literal work week to a video game yet? 

“Todd Howard is gaming’s greatest auteur” 

Fuck it, maybe you’re talking to someone that doesn’t know about Hideo Kojima. 

“Game Pass wipes the floor with PS Plus” 

If all else fails, make fun of the recent PS Plus price hike. This is war, and these people are your enemies. Every shot you can get in counts. 

“I am going to fight you” 

If all else has truly failed, there’s always the oldest argument settler in the book, the ol’ knuckle sandwich. If things escalate to this point, try to stick and move, and hopefully your opponent hasn’t trained in MMA or anything, or else he might have you saying ‘Xbox sucks’ in lieu of tapping out. Be careful out there! 

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