A PlayStation Fan’s Guide to Being Weird About ‘Starfield’

As the release of Starfield approaches, the Xbox exclusive Bethesda RPG presents devout fans of Sony PlayStation a unique opportunity to be weirdly hostile about the game at every turn. Here is a list of talking points for anyone that plans on being strangely unpleasant about the release of a video game on a system they don’t like! 

“Bethesda games are always so buggy” 

One needs to look no further than Elder Scrolls and Fallout, two of the most popular RPG series of the century, to see how often Bethesda misses the overall mark on quality. It’s a shame. 

“The graphics don’t matter/The graphics aren’t that good” 

You can choose our own flavor here, but just be ready to move the goalposts whenever someone brings up the marginal difference between Starfield and any other AAA game of the last few years. If all else fails, say something about ray tracing. 

“Most of the 1,000 planets aren’t even explorable!” 

When is the Starfield release date?

Would I explore all of them if I could? No way, pal. I haven’t even touched an Xbox controller since a cruel prank my family played on me in 2017. But that’s still bullshit though, about the planets.

“PlayStation has better exclusives” 

There is nothing in this world that matters more than the two percent of video games that don’t just come out for a bunch of systems at once. Microsoft may win this round, but the bloody war shows no signs of slowing down. 

“Todd Howard is a hollow man devoid of empathy and emotion.” 

All kidding aside, I’m really not overly opinionated about Starfield or gaming consoles one way or another. So without bias, I can say they’re right about this one. Fair enough. Point for the Sony guys. 

“The game is getting bad reviews” 

The video game discourse Gods have blessed us with another fall spent discussing what the heck a seven out of ten means. It’s obviously a C minus, and the numbers don’t lie. 

“I don’t want to spend a game that takes 20 hours to be fun” 

Generally if you’re participating in these discussions, the assumption is that you would have this kind of time to spare. So the fact that you would choose not to is pretty damning. 

“It’s just a ripoff of _____” 

Say whatever you want here. Star Wars, Star Trek, Starman. It doesn’t matter. Just stick and move and get onto another talking point. We’re gonna win this thing!

“It’s way too political” 

Just a great, solid talking point to levy against science fiction, a genre that’s historically been devoid of commentary or messages or anything like that. It’s always just been lasers before this!

“I am going to fight you” 

If your airtight reasons for being strangely hostile about Starfield cease to turn the tides of the argument, you may want to consider swinging. Or at least talking shit like you’re going to. Whatever it takes to hold down Sony’s rep. 

Shrekfest Is Satire Come To Life (Also There’s an Onion Eating Contest)

I first visited Shrekfest in 2018 out of morbid curiosity. My friends and I had our interests piqued by the strange, hyperspecific theming of the event: What could it possibly be? Do people dress up in cosplay? Are you bullshitting me?

Sure enough, there was no deeper meaning behind any of this. Shrekfest is simply a celebration of all things Shrek: the movies, the music, the characters, and more. It’s satire come to life, and people showed up from all around the world to be there for it. 

This past weekend, we made the trek to Milwaukee, Wisconsin for another Shrekfest outing after not having gone for five years. There was a noticeable growth in the scope and size of the event, and the demographics had changed quite a bit too. Previously, Shrekfest was mostly inhabited by legions of irony-poisoned internet dwellers. However, word of mouth had spread over the years, and a lot more families with young children (read: normal people) were now in attendance as well, but none of that unique weirdness was lost in the expansion. There were food trucks, merchandise tables, local bands, and even an artists’ alley where you could purchase artwork of Shrek and Shadow the Hedgehog kissing each other.

It’s truly become a phenomenon like nothing else.

Shrekfest is an annual event held by 3GI Industries, who are a collective of creatives most notable for making Shrek Retold, a bold yet faithful recreation of the original Shrek movie, filmed and animated in various styles by hundreds of collaborators including Sick Animation, David Liebe Hart, Chris Chan, and many more. Matter of fact, there was even a premiere screening the next day for the highly-anticipated Shrek 2 Retold, which is set to be released to the general public in early 2024.

I spoke to event frontman Grant Duffrin, who I’d since become friends with over the years and have collaborated with on several projects, including the aforementioned Shrek 2 Retold. When I told him I would be writing an article about the event for Hard Drive’s Minus World, I stressed that it would “not be satire,” however he was quick to correct me in saying this was actually perfect because “Shrekfest is a living satire.”

“Thanks Grant,” I told him. “I might use that.”

“It’s the tenth Shrekfest,” explained Duffrin, excited for the legendary milestone after its humble beginnings as an online-only event. “It feels like a family reunion, if you want to know the vibe of it. Everyone feels like family, it just feels like you can go up and talk to anybody, ’cause everyone shares a love of Shrek. It’s just a laid back, non-judgemental atmosphere.”

The event was nine hours long, and included showings from several local bands who played iconic songs from the movie, like that one about an All-Star – the name escapes me right now. There was also a costume contest, which had a surprisingly massive turnout. Honestly, about half of the people there were dressed up in cosplay of some kind, ranging from Shrek, Donkey, and Puss in Boots, to more abstract concepts such as the tower that Fiona was kept up in, or even Shrek’s outhouse from the beginning of the franchise’s inaugural film. But the real star of the show, however, was the onion eating contest.

Dozens of foolish yet brave eventgoers signed up for this onion eating contest. The first to eat an entire raw onion onstage in front of hundreds of onlookers would receive the grand prize: a large drinking stein with “Shrekfest” proudly printed on the side. Oh, and the respect and admiration of countless peers, too. I stood up in the front row to take pictures of the event, and I have to tell you the truth: it really felt like I was being tear gassed as the aroma of numerous onions being crunched into was carried downwind and wafted over the crowd. I’m not crying, you are. Wait, we all are.

When a man dressed simply as Shrek himself won the contest, he was hoisted upon the shoulders of the crowd, given his prize, and paraded around for nearly ten whole minutes. The excitement was contagious, as people guzzled down beers and cheered, in awe at the fact that someone would actually do that to themselves. But you know what? It’s all in good fun. And it’s all in the spirit of the event, and of all things Shrek.

As the sun slowly set, and people quietly gathered around for a screening of the original Shrek film that started it all, it was hard not to be impressed by everything. These kinds of grassroots events where people can just be themselves, get weird, and enjoy their hobbies with like-minded individuals are truly precious commodities in this day and age. I hope that events like this and MGSCON will continue to thrive. And if there ends up being a Shrek 5, which, god willing there will be, I hope that 3GI can be involved in some way. They have carried the love for this cultural touchstone far past its logical endpoint, and further into true absurdity all with a burning passion that can only be compared to one’s gut after consuming an entire raw onion in a single sitting.

BREAKING: Standing On Fire Hurts

EL PASO, Texas — A diligent, intrepid citizen burned his legs to a crisp after testing if standing on fire would hurt or not while camping with friends, sources have confirmed.

“Well you can never be sure if there is any environmental damage or if the fire is for real,” said Scott Meyers, squeezing another bottle of aloe vera on his medium well-done legs. “I guess it’s worth checking just so you know. Cross your fingers that it won’t hurt too much. Sometimes when I go camping I get lucky and the fire doesn’t hurt me at all.”

Meyers has been testing fires and hazards for years, making sure that the real life appearances of things match their behavior and don’t break his immersion.

“I remember one time I was checking if friendly fire and melee attacks were enabled” continued Meyers, recounting the time he was banned from laser tag. “Someone had to make sure.”

One local shopkeeper has voiced his objections to Meyer’s scrutinizing attention to the world around him. 

“He barreled through my thrift store and touched every item he could,” said Sue Waller, owner of Sue’s Vintage Treasures, as she cleaned up the damage left by Meyers’ recent visit. “He quite literally was trying to destroy everything he could. I tried to put ‘Do not touch’ signs on everything, but it didn’t stop him. He then walked all over the broken glass and started taking notes.”

At press time, Meyers was found at the bottom of a cliff after checking for fall damage. His immediate family says they will announce the funeral proceedings once arrangements have been made. 

All The Boxers From Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out Ranked By How Annoying It Would Be To Repossess Their Car

All too often, the cast of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out are classified and discussed by merely their ability to box. I understand that, but I don’t think boxing is necessarily what defines a lot of these guys. There are some real amateurs in this group, almost certainly living the unglamorous life of struggling fighter; boxing a few times a month while the fight against the world’s bullshit knows no round breaks. So everyone else can talk about how to beat them and who’s the toughest: we’re going to rank them by how annoying it would be to have to repossess their car. 

11. Don Flamenco 

Don Flamenco has been doing that flower dance for 30 years and the phone stopped ringing a long time ago. The saddest part? I don’t think he’s really Spanish. There’s not a single Spanish person in his family. I think he’s a Greek guy – but I spent the whole week digging through his trash and couldn’t find any more information. Everything’s online now. Sad…. Anyways, repossessing this guy’s car would be very easy because he’s too self-involved to notice.

10. Glass Joe 

Repossessing Glass Joe’s car would be very easy and I know that because I have already repossessed several of his cars. Joe owes money all over town. His gambling record is worse than his boxing record, and his boxing record is 1 and 99. He should change his name to Criss Angel because he’s constantly in Vegas making all his stuff disappear.

9. Von Kaiser 

When a guy names himself after both Kaiser Wilhelm and Otto Von Bismarck, I take pride in repossessing his car. This would not annoy me at all. I can’t wait. I will fuck up this old-timey German worse than the Treaty of Versailles.

8. Piston Honda 

Ironically, Piston Honda drives an electric Mercedes. It’s a great car and I would love to repossess it but the guy has amazing credit and he never misses payments. He lives in Deerfield, Illinois now and owns a string of franchise sandwich shops. One of his daughters used to date the guy from Fallout Boy – but I think she was like 15 when they met, so it’s a touchy subject.

7. Mr. Sandman 

This guy is a lovely person. We’ve had tons of conversations and he always makes me feel good about myself. Repossessing his car would be one of the most emotionally challenging things I’ve ever done, and I once refused to give my nephew bone marrow.

Anyways, he’ll shuffle with his hands before throwing a jab. Dodge that and then counterpunch. It’ll knock him out and then you can take his car.
…I’m sorry, Sandy. I’m so sorry.

6. Soda Popinski 

Soda Popinski is a tremendous pain in the ass. He’s very fast and he’s constantly drinking, which would make repossessing his car super annoying. Plus, he drives a 1998 Toyota Camry and the resale value is literally $522, so the risk/reward ratio is horrible.

5. Bald Bull 

It will be incredibly difficult to take this guy’s car. “Why”, you ask? Because he’s dead.

4. Great Tiger 

Never going to happen. The guy can teleport! Skip Tracing is great, but unless you can also teleport, you’re not beating The Tiger to his car. And, candidly speaking, if you can also teleport – then why are you repossessing cars? You must have at least 3 better job options.

3. King Hippo 

This is a big man with a big car and a small home. You can see the driveway from every room in the house, and Hippo’s unemployed so he’s always home. You’ll have to bring a friend to distract him while you take the car (like a shitty mission in GTA). I’m already annoyed just thinking about it.

2. Super Macho Man 

At first, I got really excited because I thought we were repossessing a car from Macho Man Randy Savage, but then I found out this is a different guy and apparently Randy Savage is dead. Now I’m sad… It would be very annoying to repossess his car because I can’t stop crying.

1. Mike Tyson 

This guy is high on drugs and he has tigers living in his house. At the very least, this would be a challenge. However, while I know I could never person beat Tyson in a fight, Buster Douglas did beat him and he’s constantly getting his cars repossessed. So maybe I have a shot.

“Happiness Has No Place in Gaming,” Our Interview With Neil Druckmann

We sat down with Naughty Dog creative director and co-president Neil Druckmann to talk inspiration, upcoming projects, his secret writing partner, and much more! 

What does your morning routine look like?

“I like to start every day off with some positive affirmations. I look at myself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and repeat ‘fuck you’ as many times as I can in a minute.”

How do you gauge the success of a video game?

“If anyone walks away from one of my games feeling a positive emotion, I consider it a deep personal failure.”

How involved are you in the TV adaptation of ‘The Last of Us’?

“I’m beyond involved. The producers even gave me my own special little controller so I can control everything that happens on set from my designated wet corner!”

They make you sit in a wet corner?

“Jealous much?”

Were you pleased with the show’s reception?

Oh, absolutely! I still think they should’ve let me play Joel, though. We’ll never know how much better the show could’ve been. 

Can you tell us anything about season two of ‘The Last of Us’?

“It’s mostly gonna be everyone playing guitars.”

Your games often touch on themes such as grief, loss, and vengeance. What d-

“Fuck, name some more, I’m so close.”

How did you deal with the initial backlash towards ‘The Last of Us Part II’?

“Easy. I put a mirror in front of my laptop, so that everyone’s hate comments are actually pointed at themselves.”

Where do you see the gaming industry heading in the next 10 years?

“Who cares? Games have been dying ever since they invented the printing press.”

What can you say about the new IP Naughty Dog is working on?

“I’m super excited, but for now I can only say this: French toast. Oh geez, did I say too much?”

Does it ever become difficult to navigate the emotionally heavy nature of your narratives?

“No. Happiness has no place in gaming.”

What are your thoughts on the future of single-player gaming as the industry increasingly focuses on multiplayer, live-service games?

“Single-player? I’m pretty sure my games have trillions of players.”

‘The Last of Us’ has been widely praised fo-

“Everywhere I go, it’s always about The Last of Us. I literally worked on Jak X: Combat Racing and nobody talks about it. I guess most artists never get their flowers until they’re six feet under.”

Could you share one of your favorite memories as a gamer?

“When I was just six years old, my father granted me the privilege of working a 120-hour work week in his factory. Now my mission is to spread that same joy to everyone on my team!”

What advice would you give to aspiring game designers?

“Keep making games and sharing them with the world. If anyone doesn’t like them, know that something is wrong with you and you should stop forever.”

What is your process for creating such complex characters?

“Oh I don’t know, let’s ask Socko. Yo-ho-ho, Socko here! You may not know me, but I write all of Neil’s games and make all the tough decisions so he doesn’t have to!”

What game are you playing currently?

“I know I’m late on this, but I recently got into putting live goldfish in my blender. 300 hours in, and it’s still exciting!”

Are there any movies you think would make a good video game?

“I saw this video on Twitter of a guy eating a hamburger really fast. Like way faster than anyone should eat a hamburger. Probably that.”

Do you have anything to say about the allegations that Naughty Dog is too hard on their workers? 

Shh, wait. Did you hear that? Man, I swore I heard something. Let’s both be quiet for a second and see if I hear it again. 

What’s next for Neil Druckmann?

“Uh, I’m gonna breathe air. Duh, stupid.”

 

 

Any Recommendations On Where To Find ROMs? (Guest Column By Migeru Shiyamoto)

Hello fellow fans of not paying for games! I am desperately in need of your help. You see, I need to know exactly where you guys keep finding all these great Nintendo ROMs. I assure you, I only ask because I really want to make sure the hard working and handsome developers at Nintendo are getting jack shit for their hours of work. Especially whoever made that Mario fellow. Now, please just send me a categorized list of every site you’ve ever used to download Zelda or Pokémon for free, for I am also a cheap scumbag. I even want all the old NES games, despite being able to play a hand picked selection on my Nintendo Switch for only $19.99 a year. You can send me this list at piracy-lover100@nintendo.com. I don’t want to miss a single one, so be sure to send in EVERY site you can think of!

If you want to REALLY make my day, it would be incredible if you could also let me know of any cool Super Mario 64 mods you’ve gotten. Like that one that adds Luigi back to the game, despite the developers never wanting you to play as that little green asshole. So, please send me the handles of all the developers out there who are currently working on something like that. I want to be able to send a personal thank you on being able to spit in the face of the team that made their childhood worth remembering.

Oh! And if you happen to have any tutorials on how to hack my Nintendo Switch, that would really come in handy. I want to completely destroy mine, putting it through something that is akin to warping one of God’s masterpieces into my own sick and twisted creations. I am gonna need specific names on who’s posting these tutorials though, just to make sure I’m using the right one.

Thanks for helping me take down Nintendo! I’m sure they’ll never find out about these great sites!

TikToker Cleverly Hides Results in Part 2 Where No Human on Earth Will Ever See It

LUBBOCK, Texas —  In a cunning display of trickery, TikTok influencer Kayden_Cooks4U has hidden the outcome of his viral “Crazy useful kitchen hack” in a part 2 video, meaning no one on this planet will ever see what actually happens, sources confirmed.

“Welcome to part one of my video,” said Kayden, at the start of his video that presumed to show viewers a ‘super cool and cost-effective way’ to make soda at home using just tap water, flavoring, a fork, and a microwave. “Soda companies don’t want you to know this hack because it will put them out of business, but I got you guys. All you need to do is put your flavored water in the microwave with the fork in it for 2 minutes. The metal will shock the water ions into soda. Like and follow to see part 2 when I show you my results!”

At this point, the clip strategically cuts off just as Kayden prepares to start the microwave. Many viewers of the video, which has been watched more than 2 million times, left comments begging to see the promised follow-up segment. In one such comment, a follower of Kayden_Cooks4U explained he searched in vain for hours.

“I was looking for the results to this thing for forever and never found it,” wrote user TriMond0405. “This mf has uploaded like 300 videos since he posted part 1. I gave up looking so I guess I’ll just try it myself.”

Social media expert Steph Yasmin, a professor at Boston University’s School of Communication, says the proliferation of unlocatable ‘Part 2’ videos, which she calls “ghost results,” is as strategic as it is dangerous.

“Deviant influencers know that they can capture the undivided attention of an audience by promising awesome results to an outlandish experiment at a later time; it’s simple behavioral economics,” explained Yasmin. “But they also know that they can get away with obscuring or even omitting the results forever, since the average TikTok user has an attention span of just 23 seconds and little to no recollection of previous content after just 5 swipes. The danger comes when that one rare user actually decides to try the stunt for themselves.”

At press time, TriMondo0405 was seen duetting the Part 1 video from Kayden_Cooks4U with a clip of his parent’s house burning down and the caption “OMG PLZ DONT TRY THIS.”

 

What to Know About Jerma985

Jerma985 is a Youtuber turned streamer with an incredibly devoted fan base, but his identity and persona can be difficult to understand. Before jumping onto one of his infamous streams, here’s everything you need to know about him!

What Is His Real Name?

While Jerma985 is his online moniker, the streamer’s real name is Jeremy985

What Would People Know Him From?

His Twitch streams, Youtube videos, or the Boston Police Department sketch of the criminal known as The Rat King

What is his role in the Twitch community?

Cautionary tale

What Is His Occupation?

He streams video games and is a living absurdist art installation

How Does He Interact With His Fans?

Jerma famously finds it difficult to relate to his fans as the only one on his massive streams that has a job

How Did He Get His Start?

Jerma went from just a fledgling creator making incomprehensible noises on Youtube to a media sensation making incomprehensible noises on Twitch

So, It’s Just Actually A Coincidence That He’s A TF2 Youtuber Who Looks and Sounds Exactly Like the Scout?

Somehow, yes.

What is His Job Title?

Digital clown

How Tall is He?

Jerma is currently listed at 5’ 1”, the average height for males of his species

What Makes His Streams Different?

Jerma has gained notoriety by crafting Twitch streams that are incredibly strange and avant-garde for being entertaining and unproblematic

What Is His Relationship with STAR_?

Oddly maternal

What Is He Famous For?

Being a normal, kind man who just plays video games for a living, Jerma is famous for being characterized as a demented serial killer that is disconnected from reality

How Many People Has He Killed?

Twitch chat vastly mischaracterizes Jerma as a serial killer as an ironic bit, in reality the streamer has only killed a measly four people

Will He Ever Do Another Clowns Vs. Magicians Baseball Game?

I don’t know. This is not a question that a normal person should need the answer to.

How Much Does He Make a Year?

$11.45 after Dr. Pepper expenses

What Would Make Him Quit Streaming?

Adderall prescription

Is He Seeing Anyone?

Jerma has confirmed he is currently in a committed relationship with every single one of his viewers in their mind

What Are His Upcoming Projects?

His current schedule is video game stream, video game stream, stream that upends the fabric of reality itself

Does Jerma have a son?

In real life no, but in the fake lore of his streaming persona, which is also just him, yes? This is the kind of shit you’re dealing with, maybe just watch another streamer.

How Will He Die?

Peacefully, surrounded by his friends, family, and Twitch chat

Guy Who Doesn’t Have $70 Right Now Elated To Hear About Bad Reviews of Starfield

ARLINGTON, VA —  A local man without $70 felt happier than he has in years hearing that the recently-released full priced game Starfield is getting bad reviews.

Roderick Pierce, who just finished paying off his library fines, claims that all of the negative press for the Bethesda-developed game is making him exceedingly happy.

“I can’t remember the last time I felt this good,” said Pierce with a wide grin on his face. “It’s so relieving to find out that I don’t have to follow the latest trends just to keep up with the hobby I love. Instead I can sit back and read about how IGN said Todd Howard’s latest disappointment was ‘a bumpy ride’ there are ‘no actual maps’, and worst of all ‘you can’t go anywhere without fast-traveling’. That all sounds so miserable, and yet…” [Note: at this point Pierce couldn’t stop giggling.]

According to people who know Pierce, his uplifted mood has made him more fun to hang out with even if he keeps bringing up Starfield reviews.

“He’s been a lot easier to get along with recently,” confirmed Pierce’s friend Joe Parrish, “but I thought it was because he got that new dispensary job. We were hanging out last night after his shift and he got a notification on his phone. He takes a look and got this goofy look on his face. I ask him what’s going on, and he showed me a review from PC Gamer where they say they were left ‘feeling unimpressed’ with Starfield.

“Apparently he has a feed set up that just notifies him whenever something bad is said about that dumb game. It’s ridiculous; I don’t care what GameSkinny had to say about the outdated leveling system, even if you do. Sure it’s a little annoying, especially since some places say good things about the game, but I haven’t seen him this happy in a while so I’ll let him have his little selection bias.”

As of press time, Pierce was eagerly awaiting Starfield’s release on Game Pass to play it for free and complain about how bad the game is anyway.

Starfield New Game Plus Guide: Does Starfield Have NG+?

Want to try out playing Starfield New Game Plus for a brand-new challenge? Starfield is finally here, and the game is a fairly long playthrough, clocking in at a hundred hours for some. Many players might be wondering if there’s even more to the game after the finale. This Starfield guide will outline everything you can do once you’ve taken the final step in the main questline.

Is There A New Game Plus In Starfield?

Yes, unusually for a Bethesda game and Western RPGs in general, there is a New Game+ (NG+) in Starfield, available right on release day. Its implementation is quite the departure from other games that also feature the mode. WIthout spoiling, the game’s story also makes sense of the choice to play New Game Plus.

What Changes in Starfield NG+?

While the main questline will remain the same, besides any deviations you take in dialogue trees, completely new side quests will become available on your second playthrough of the game, and are exclusive to NG+. There will naturally be a difficulty spike in combat encounters given your higher level.

What Carries Over in Starfield New Game Plus?

The only thing that carries over into New Game Plus is player personal development i.e. XP, levels, challenges, skills, traits, powers etc. Everything else from the current run is wiped including ships, suits, gear, credits, resources, outposts, relationships, and bounties. This amounts to a full reset of the universe, with the sole exception of your character. It’s not a total loss though, as you will be given a full suit of armor and a new ship, both of which are unique to NG+.

The remainder of this guide features spoilers for the main quest’s final mission.

How To Start NG+ In Starfield

Towards the end of the main quest in your first playthrough, there will be one final quest to undertake: “One Giant Leap”. At its conclusion, you will be presented with a choice between stepping into the new universe, or staying in the old. You can choose to wrap up any loose ends in the here and now, while you still have access to all the gadgets and toys you have been accumulating. If all you want is the Achievement for completing the quest, be sure to make a manual save and then step through, and then simply reload your save. In the event that you went through into Starfield‘s New Game Plus without saving first, just reload your oldest autosave from right after your run began, in order to return to normal mode.

That’s everything there is to know about the NG+ mode in Starfield. Check out our guide hub for another great RPG that just recently released: Sea of Stars.

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