Twitch Viewer Who Turned Off Stream’s Volume So He Could Do Work Now Just Watching in Silence

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local work-from-home employee Martin Rowe turned off the volume on the Twitch stream he was watching so that he could finish up some spreadsheets and is now reportedly just watching the stream in silence instead.

“I put on some Twitch in the background, TheGudDoctor playing Fall Guys, while I do some boring spreadsheets, but I ended up just watching the Twitch stream. Next thing I knew, it was 4pm and I still had jack shit done, so I muted the stream — still gotta support my boy as a viewer, of course. Now it’s 5:30 and I’ve watched an hour and a half of Fall Guys in complete silence. No spreadsheets finished. It’s the worst of both worlds.”

Coincidentally, due to a comment on stream, TheGudDoctor spent much of the time that Rowe had muted telling fans to not watch his stream if they need to be doing other things.

“Hey if you’re watching this stream instead of doing your day job, please close the tab right now!” said TheGudDoctor on his Fall Guys stream, despite Rowe not being able to hear the audio. “Sure, I may be grinding and hustling for crowns in Hex-A-Gone, but you need to be hustling and grinding for financial crowns to pay your rent. The gamer lifestyle does not begin and end in the world of video games — oh god FUCKING DAMN IT Fall Ball with an odd number!!”

At press time, Rowe managed to finish the spreadsheet while watching the stream with sound on, but sent the document to his boss without realizing he absentmindedly typed “thanks for the sub” in a cell, ruining a v-lookup.

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Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Is First Game in Series to Feature Completely Destructible Economy

Posted on by Jordan Walkup

LOS ANGELES — As part of GamesCon 2020’s Opening Night Live event, Treyarch’s studio design director, David Vonderhaar, confirmed that Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will be the first game in the series to feature a completely destructible economy.

 “Whether it’s investing money in military research that will inevitably serve no purpose, or giving tax breaks to those who need them the least, Cold War truly puts you behind the wheel of America’s financial infrastructure,” said Vonderhaar about the inspiration behind this exciting new feature. “As long as the direction you are driving it is off the fiscal cliff.”

Industry analysts claimed the change may be jarring to some longtime fans.

“CoD players are accustomed to wasting in-game money on silly things, like painting a penis on a wall with gunpowder,” said games journalist Mya Zhang. “It’s nothing compared to blowing billions on whatever the fuck Ronald Reagan was doing when he nearly doubled the deficit.”

 “Some people may be critical of an FPS that takes place during a time where there was no armed conflict,” said Austen Wills, self-proclaimed Call of Duty superfan, “but what many people aren’t considering is: Sure, maybe we weren’t shooting at the Russians like we wish we were, but when you think about it, America’s foreign policy since the Cold War has killed way more people than any nuke ever could. It’s really just knowing that you’re doing right by President Reagan with every bullet that plunges into foreign flesh that just gives you that thrill.”

 While this new direction for Treyarch may alienate some FPS fans, experts predict Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will inevitably sell an absolutely incomprehensible number of copies just like every Call of Duty before it.

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Loser Spends Three Years Earning Master’s Degree When He Could’ve Been Writing a Sick D&D Campaign

Posted on by John Dixon

RALEIGH, N.C. — A local graduate’s Masters of Fine Arts degree was tainted by the realization the past three years could have been spent crafting an incredible D&D campaign. 

“Oh god, oh fuck I’ve wasted so much time and money on this degree and for what, to increase my prospects?” said recent graduate Alex Bales, still dressed in his graduation robes and clutching his diploma. “I didn’t enjoy even a single second of this bullshit coursework and I could have been having the time of my life building a meticulously detailed fantasy world for my friends to wreak havoc in.”

He added, “Now instead of those incredible memories all I have is a huge amount of debt and three extra letters after my name.”

Beth Simard, a fellow recent graduate, weighed in on Bales’ sudden existential crisis. 

“I think Alex really made the right call furthering his education instead of spending the last three years planning and playing some stupid game,” Simard said. “I mean, sure, all the stress of his coursework gave him an ulcer, he seemed to hate defending his thesis, and any campaign that took three years to plan would have undoubtedly been so incredible that people would speak of it in awed whispers for years to come but hey, at least now he can, uh, be a teaching assistant?”

Dr. Erin Tippett, Bales’ academic advisor, understood her student’s plight. 

“I very much feel sorry for Alex because I have been where he is before; I only got my PhD because I wanted to be able to create richer, more detailed campaigns for me and my friends,” Tippett said. “But now I’m teaching and grading stuff all the time and I don’t even have time to use this stupid degree for what I wanted to in the first place.”

She added, “I just hate to see someone going down the same path. But hey, at least writing a lesson plan is sort of like writing a really dry, boring campaign.”

At press time, Bales was hurtling farther down a depressive spiral as he met up with a friend who was now wildly wealthy thanks to the Patreon for a podcast based on a D&D campaign he spent the past three years developing.

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Dad Getting Tired of Cleaning Rupees Out of Lawnmower

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BEAVERCREEK, Ohio — Local father Stu Campbell is reportedly fed up with having to clean hundreds of rupees out of his lawnmower every time he cuts his grass.

“It was a nice surprise at first, like finding a $20 bill on the ground,” said a frustrated Campbell. “But then the mower just stopped working. Now I have to shut it down every five minutes and unlodge a bunch of green crystals from the blades. Who’s hiding all these things in my grass anyways?”

Neighbors became concerned when they overheard Campbell cursing alone in his yard. They later found out that the commotion happened after he stepped on one of several stray arrows buried under the grass.

“I don’t get how all that stuff ended up in there,” said neighbor Terry Wintour. “His yard is so full of junk, it’s like taking care of a minefield. Actually, it literally is a minefield. There are bombs everywhere.”

The deluge of secret items hidden in his yard has driven Campbell to the brink of insanity. His breaking point came when he accidentally ran over a large rock with his lawnmower, cracking it open and revealing a human heart hidden inside.

“I don’t know what to do, he’s gone crazy,” said Stu’s husband Andre Campbell. “One day, he came into the house after working outside and started shattering every pot we owned to prove his point. When he saw that nothing was inside of them, he got mad and yelled about how of course he can never find items when he actually needs them.” 

In order to solve the problem once and for all, Campbell spent an entire Saturday afternoon removing every single patch of grass from his lawn. Unfortunately, it all regrew within an hour.

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Geneticists Raise Ethical Questions After Successfully Creating Echo Fighter of Sheep

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

EDINBURGH, Scotland — In a huge scientific breakthrough that also raises many ethical questions, geneticists at the University of Edinburgh’s Roslin Institute announced yesterday that they have successfully created the first echo fighter of a sheep in a laboratory, sources confirmed.

“This is the very first time that an echo fighter has been created from the cells of a living creature,” said lead researcher Dr. Caitlin Strauss, Ph.D., noting that the two sheeps share many of the same physical attributes and attack animations, but have distinctly different appearances and sounds. “The original sheep was named Louise, so it’s only natural that we name the echo fighter Dark Louise.” 

The scientific community has yet to come to a consensus of whether giving life to echo fighters from the living tissue of other creatures is ethical.

“This is definitely murky territory,” said Martha Cyert, Ph.D, chair of the Stanford University Department of Biology. “If this kind of technology became widespread, it could be easily abused. Just look at how many echo fighters there are in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate alone. Seven! And that’s the work of a single man! We need to be responsible with this technology and really think about our actions or else the population density could become as bad as Ultimate’s character select screen.”

At press time, Dr. Cyert warned further that genetic experiments could eventually lead to the rise of “designer babies” whose traits are selected through some system similar to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’s Mii Fighter creation interface.

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Gamer Needs to Gamify Playing Video Games In Order to Get Through Gaming

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PHILADELPHIA — Local gamer Carla Ward reportedly needs to trick herself into finishing video games by gamifying them in order to get through her daily gaming sessions.

“I love video games, but I hate playing them. That’s why I needed a system to gamify gaming for myself,” explained Ward in a viral Reddit post. “I have set up a system for myself where I give myself points every time I complete a task in a game. If I wrack up enough game points, I reward myself with a small gift, like buying a new video game. This incentives gaming for me and makes it easier for me to get through all my video game chores.”

The post quickly gained traction on Reddit, garnering thousands of comments from those looking to gamify video games for themselves.

“Gamifying weight loss was such a good strategy for me, so I can really see this working for gaming as well,” said u/Mayonetta92. “I don’t know what it is, but something about making things more like a video game really tricks my brain into getting things done. So I can totally see how applying that strategy to video games would get me to finally do it. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!”

“This is such a smart fucking idea. Someone should make an app,” said u/GregGeralto. “I have so much fucking gaming to get through and gamifying it would realllllly help me get to the bottom of my backlog. I just worry I’ll have to gamify taking the time to gamify my gaming.”

At press time, Ward finally got through all her gaming so that she could get to the good stuff: complaining about video games on Twitter.

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Nintendo in Panic Mode After Microsoft Acquires Luigi

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has reportedly entered a full state of panic with executives blindsided after Microsoft announced that it had acquired Luigi.

“How is this even possible!?” shouted a panicked Shigeru Miyamoto. “Buying all of our trusted third party partners is one thing, but now they’re taking my own painstaking creations right out from under my nose? Who even authorized this!?”

The news came shortly after Microsoft announced it was finalizing plans to acquire publishing giant Bethesda. In a second press release later in the day, the Microsoft blog added it had come to terms with a deal to make Luigi the new face of Xbox, noting that the Mario brother has shown his true colors for decades by wearing Xbox green.

“We are thrilled to welcome Luigi to the Xbox family,” said Gaming at Microsoft Vice President Phil Spencer. “With premier services like Xbox Game Pass and xCloud, players will now be able to experience Luigi anytime, anywhere. We just don’t think fans got that kind of versatile accessibility with the Nintendo Switch.”

In retaliation to the deal, Nintendo says it has prohibited Microsoft from using Luigi’s last name, Mario, which Nintendo still owns. Instead, Microsoft says Luigi’s new legal name going forward will be Luigi Cortana.

“Maybe it’s our own fault,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “Perhaps if we treated Luigi with the respect and care he deserved, he’d still want to work with us. We plan on changing how we treat our property going forward and will put more time and energy into all of our characters, like Mario, Link, and…. Uh…. shoot, what’s her name?”

To get around having to scrub the now inaccurate “Brothers” usage from the franchise’s history, Nintendo plans to retcon Waluigi into Mario’s canonical brother.

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New Zelda Game’s Firm Place in Timeline Leaves Youtuber Unsure What to Spend Next Year of Life Obsessing Over

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

OSLO, Norway — YouTuber Konleith Narvesen is reportedly at a complete loss following the announcement that the newest Zelda game, Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, would have a firm place in the Zelda timeline.

“This is just ridiculous,” Narvesen exclaimed in a vlog. “Over the years, Nintendo has changed the gameplay, the design, and even Link’s iconic green tunic, but they always made sure to only give us the vaguest of non-answers any time they’re asked about the timeline. This ‘clear cut timeline’ crap is a terrible direction for Nintendo to take the series.”

Narvesen was initially overjoyed at the reveal, but upon discovering that the game was a prequel — set in The Calamity event referenced throughout The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild — he sat in confused silence for the final 10 minutes of his original live reaction video.

“It felt like years of videos where I analyze specific pixels from the trailers and try to connect them to Phantom Hourglass were just destroyed,” Narvesen explain. “It’s like Nintendo just wants me to play the game and enjoy it with no questions asked. Where’s the fun in that?”

Though the revelation came as a shock to Narvesen, some of his subscribers think there’s more to the news than meets the eye.

“Honestly, it’s wild that people are just taking this news at face value. There’s obviously more to it than Konleith realizes,” read a reply to the video left by YouTuber TheShuzBog. “If you follow my theories, then you know that it’s actually the definitive end of the child timeline. Be sure to like and subscribe to NintendoShuz to see several hundred full videos about this!”

As of press time, the news does not appear to have hurt speculation surrounding Smash Brothers content, as multiple videos have been released speculating that the game was somehow further proof that Geno would be the next DLC fighter announced.

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Vast, Empty Field Elects New Mayor

Posted on by Ed Smith

NEWCITY02 — Voters have apparently grown tired of living in a featureless meadow, as a first-time runner has secured a landslide victory after repeated campaign promises of actual buildings.

“I really liked their ‘Let’s Create the Basic Requirements of a Town Where People Could Possibly Actually Feasibly Live’ policies,” explained Ryan Parkinson, an unemployed resident of Blank Development Tile Row 6, Column 4. “I mean, I know we’re supposed to be green these days, but would it have killed the last guy to build just one house?”

Other locals have expressed concern over the incoming administration’s radical plans for reform.

“Has everyone forgotten what happened in NEWCITY01?” asked Helen Broughton, during a meeting at a hovering, semi-opaque outline of a town hall. “First come the houses and the roads, but then before you know it we’ve got four nuclear power plants, ten harbours and the United Nations building. And what about the economy? Right now we have exactly $10,000. This whole ‘buying things’ idea is bound to cause a recession.”

Sources close to the new government have been quick to respond, reminding residents that prior to the election they had literally nothing.

“How did they even have an election?” questioned Jim Clements, general manager of the Mayor’s ambitious new project to construct a small section of road and three pylons. “Who organised it? Where did people go to vote? What were they even doing here?”

Nevertheless, concerns persist, leading overall happiness scores to drop from 50 to an all-time low of 49.

“So we’re going to have houses, electricity, a school, and food now,” continued Broughton. “Well, big deal. We’re also going to have jobs, pollution and a police force. No thank you, I’m moving to NEWCITY03.”

As of press time, the new mayor has began construction on 25 fountains in the shape of a pair of testicles, with a further 35 due added as part of an extension next week. Though unconfirmed at time of press, the Mayor is expected to announce plans for an upcoming zoo, hospital and rollercoaster. 

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Raccoon City Police Department Bans Controversial ‘Move While Aiming’ Technique

Posted on by Neil Floyd

RACCOON CITY — The embattled Raccoon Police Department has officially banned the force’s unpopular ‘move while aiming,’ technique, Chief of Police Brian Irons confirmed today.

“We’ve heard the outcry and RPD is responding,” said Irons in a press conference earlier today. “We are again requiring patrolmen and S.T.A.R.S members to stand completely still while aiming their service weapon, no matter how many muscular, leather-clad giants are chasing them. And to those who are worried the ban will make Racoon City less safe, allow me to put those doubts to rest. As an American police department, we operate with virtually zero oversight or accountability. We’re still allowed to break into a suspect’s home after finding the unicorn medallion, turn off our body cameras, then plant green herbs on whoever survives. You know, the traditional techniques.”

Irons went on to confirm RPD has no plans to retire the police station’s card suit-based security system, which the city’s Office of the Inspector General once called “complete bullshit.”

“It’s about fucking time,” said Elza Cottman, head of Racoon City’s largest law enforcement watchdog group. “The cops in this city were bad enough when they had the turning radius of a stoned cruise ship and forgot how to walk whenever they drew their guns. I even saw a few of ‘em running around with rocket launchers. How many domestic disturbances is a cop going to de-escalate with a rocket launcher?”

“Anyway,” continued Cottman, “those pigs’ jobs became so much easier after they could move while aiming. The RPD quickly became the scariest thing in the city, and we’ve got zombie dogs in the forest and a giant alligator in the sewers. Maybe now that move while aiming is banned, our community can focus on more important things, like trying to remember which doors we haven’t unlocked in our houses yet.”

At press time, the RPD was attempting to contain a riot that had broken out due to the announcement of a county-wide ink ribbon shortage.

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