SAN FRANCISCO — Facebook has debuted a new feature that allows users to revert their profiles to Facebook Classic for 48 hours by clicking a tab, although doing so will result in the death of a stranger somewhere in the world.
“Zuckerberg forced all the devs to come into the office on a Saturday a few months ago to watch The Box together, that movie from ten years ago with the button that gives you a million dollars but kills someone if you push it,” said Facebook developer Jaleel Davidson. “After the screening, Zuck explained how it matched the core philosophy he had in mind for Facebook. He said that people should be able to make small choices to personalize their newsfeed, but that it should come at a grave, grave cost. That’s when we started working on the new Facebook design.”
“Part of me wanted to walk out of the company right then and there,” Davidson added. “But, you know, I get paid pretty well and it’s a chill job.”
Though every aspect of the new tab is explicitly stated, most users have thus far found no qualms causing a stranger to die.
“It was a little frustrating because the app kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to be responsible for someone’s literal death, and I’m like, ‘As long as I don’t have to relearn how to access to my QAnon Cuties Facebook group, I’ll strangle somebody I do know,’ you know?” explained recent tab-clicker Larry Johnston while cleaning a loaded AR-15. “Then it made me do all these CAPTCHAs that said ‘Click on all the people you wouldn’t mind dying horrifically,’ and it took me a few minutes to click every picture. It was very annoying and took me forever.”
“The stupid thing resets every two days,” Johnston said. “I’ve killed like seven people already.”
Results seem to indicate that Facebook users are both very much enjoying the new feature and dying at an alarming rate.
“My sister clicked it yesterday, and she couldn’t stop talking about how much she preferred Classic Mode and how she hoped whoever she killed was a criminal. And then weirdly this morning she tripped while making cereal and impaled her brain with a spoon,” said Gary Legland. “You know, our other sister also died a few days ago after electrocuting herself with an old Bop It toy. I wonder if she’d switched to Classic Mode, too.”
As of press time, Facebook was also testing out a new functionality on IGTV whereby The Ring antagonist Sadako Yamamura crawls out of users’ phone screens if they watch any videos that didn’t pay Facebook for a boost.
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