Opinion: Trust Me Dude, Just Buy a PS5, We’ll Totally Play Together

Posted on by Luis Gomez

Listen, we’ve been friends for years now, and I think it’s time we take our brotastic adventures one step further. So, I need you to trust me when I say that if you buy a PlayStation 5, we will totally, absolutely, no-doubt play together. 

Now, I know that in the past my follow-through has been lackluster, and even though D&D wasn’t my fault and nobody really enjoys Jackbox anyway, I can tell you have some reservations. Let me state for the record that I am one hundred percent committed to playing multiplayer video games on the PS5 with you, in perpetuity. I don’t understand why you won’t get on my level. This time will be different, I swear. 

I know you’re more of a Nintendo guy, but just think of all the games we can play! I mean, there’s Fall Guys and Monster Hunter: World and CoD Warzone and Apex Legends — so many options! Well, maybe not Fall Guys — the lobbies are full of cheaters and it’ll probably be dead soon. And Apex Legends is dead. Warzone’s kinda fun, but it’s super toxic. Maybe Destiny 2? Nah… yeah I guess Warzone’s fine.

I don’t get what’s so hard about this. It’s just an upfront cost of like $499, an extra sixty for any game (but really you’ll want like three), another hundo-twenty a year for online, maybe another fifty if you want to get a second controller. Honestly, sacrificing north of seven hundred dollars so you can wade through a cesspool of Heated Gamer Moments with me for an hour every three weeks max seems like a small request. 

Oh, and they just announced the Xbox Series X is coming out. We absolutely need to buy a pair for Halo: Infinite.

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Realm’s Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar

Posted on by Chandler Dean

HYMERA — At the end of a harrowing journey to rescue his land from certain devastation, steadfast warrior Demetrios Cherwink was spotted outside the entrance of his nemesis’s lair, unable to decide whether to free up his inventory by dropping his broadsword or scimitar.

The hero, who had slain thousands of beasts, ventured hundreds of miles, solved dozens of mind-boggling puzzles, and developed several supernatural abilities in his quest to protect his realm from darkness once and for all, was bewildered as to which of his two similarly-powered weapons he would leave behind.

“Hmmm…the broadsword is incredibly powerful and provides adequate defense, but not the greatest,” the champion mumbled to himself. “But then my scimitar is well rounded, and I can strike more quickly with it. I can pair either with my steel tunic, which gives me the ‘Metal’s Mettle’ bonus, so that’s good. But geez, I’m stumped here.”

A terrified but hopeful villager standing outside the entrance implored Cherwink to enter the lair.

“Demetrios! Right this way! Our people are counting on you!” exclaimed the villager, entreating the hero to move forward. Later, after Cherwink remained motionless while continuing to mull over his decision for several minutes, the villager cried “Demetrios! Right this way! Our people are counting on you!”

A feral goblin trolling the plains on the outskirts of the lair was perplexed by the paladin’s indecisiveness. [The following quote has been translated from its original grunting.]

“I was just waddling from one side of my outpost to the other for the seventy-third time today, when I saw this spritely elf guy sprinting along his way,” the goblin recalled. “Just as I was about to wave my club in the air and make chase, he froze in space and just started staring in his bag. I quizzically leered at him with a question mark floating above my head for a minute, then got right back to waddlin’.”

As the young knight contemplated his next move, he recalled similar monumental choices from earlier in his expedition, including fretting over which sidekick to bring with him, stewing over which type of hairstyle to wear, and dwelling on how to respond during a meaningless interaction with a shopkeeper.

At press time, Cherwink finally resolved to keep his scimitar, which was instantly destroyed within the first 5 seconds of the boss battle.

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Our Writers Need a Day Off So Here’s a List of Some Reddit Comments

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Hello, readers! Welcome back to Hard Drive, your favorite destination for gaming news. We’re excited to bring you yet another day filled with our hard-hitting independent reporting on the gaming industry. Unfortunately, our writers are pretty burnt out because there’s been a whole lot of interesting gaming news lately. They’ve also been stuck inside for most of the year, which is okay when it’s voluntary for gaming reasons, but stress-inducing when it’s involuntary due to quarantine. 

So, if it’s alright with you, they’re just going to take the day for themselves to catch up on sprucing up their backlogs — buying a bunch of games you’ll never have the time to actually play is demanding work. And in lieu of brand new, lovingly handcrafted gaming and culture opinions by the minds behind Hard Drive, here’s a smattering of randomly selected Reddit comments. Enjoy!

You don’t give a shit where your internet content comes from anyway, right? Hell, you’re probably not even reading this because you only like the headlines! So without further ado, here’s some fucking Reddit comments:

“They also have the smallest penis compared to body ratio of all the apes, google that factoid, shit is basically non existent. Meanwhile the chad human has the largest compared to body ratio.”

— u/detten17’s comment on the thread, “TIL an average silver back can deadlift 1800 lb and their grip can crush a crocodile’s skull | They are 4 to 9 times stronger than an average human male.”

 

“All I know is that for Rochelle, it was a strange, erotic journey.”

— u/havermeyer’s comment on the thread, “The biggest protest in the history of Belarus is happening right now in Minsk”, presumably referencing Rochelle, Rochelle! The Musical, the fake musical that exists in the TV show Seinfeld.

 

“I like that you implied modern society is Europe and not North America. And yes Jesus is a Jew and brown from the middle East, people tend to forget about that.”

— u/carpenterio’s comment on the thread, “Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” in a NYC subway”

 

“Hi im a Disney shareholder and is currently own a fraction of a share. What kind of income we talking here?”

— u/TrialBySnoo’s comment on the thread, Disney Admits Mulan Controversy Pileup Has Created a “Lot of Issues for Us”

 

“I masturbate fine, I only cited those subreddits to show the damaging effects of porn. Also, what are the pros of porn?”

— u/BRBean’s comment on the thread, “Parents shouldnt get kids a phone till middle school”

We thought about adding some comments of our own… but eh, fuck it.

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Pornhub Premium Announces Family Plan

Posted on by Quinn Brown

MONTREAL — Adult video streaming service PornHub recently announced their plans to further their expansion into the streaming market by unveiling a new family plan for their premium subscription.

“If there’s one thing we understand at PornHub, it’s family,” said Feras Antoon, CEO of PornHub’s parent company, MindGeek. “In fact, for years, we’ve split countless families apart through our predatory recruitment practices. Now, we’re looking to reunite families through our new, inclusive plan that has a little something for everyone.”

For $14.99 a month, families can use up to six different profiles simultaneously through one account. Subscriber Beth Horsefeld expressed her satisfaction with PornHub’s newest direction.

“It’s impossible to know what your kids are going to be watching these days, and that scares me, quite frankly,” said Horsefeld, chopping vegetables and smiling. “But I can sleep easy knowing that the parental controls on little Tommy’s pornhub account prevent him from watching anything I wouldn’t want him to see; like those weird SourceFilmMaker videos of Zero Suit Samus taking a shit.”

Pornographic actress Lacy Maxx offered her thoughts on the new plan as well.

“It really warms my heart to see PornHub listen to their audience like this,” said Maxx. “For years, my mother and father have been asking to see me just one more time. With this new family plan, they can see me on up to six different screens, including Apple and Samsung Smart TVs!”

After partaking in the limited beta test, high school sophomore and self-described “gooner” Jacob Wiggins praised the service as well.

“I don’t really know why they did this, but holy fuck, I’m glad they did,” said Wiggins. “I accidentally logged onto my stepsister’s account, and her recommended is, like, all FamilyStrokes stuff. I’m so fucking in.”

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7-Year-Old Banned From Alphabet Soup for Exploiting Customization Feature

Posted on by Christoph von Münchow

WASHINGTON — Local child Janette Lyons, 7, has been banned from participating in Alphabet Soup at lunch in the Lyons household, sources confirmed. 

“We are shocked that our child would even think of abusing this feature,” said Roger Lyons, father of Janette and patriarch of the Lyons household. “At first, my wife and I were excited that Janette was showing signs of a first-grade reading comprehension and using the appropriate spelling, but once she kept spamming ‘poggers’ and ‘kappa’—that’s when things started getting out of hand.”

Stephanie Lyons, Janette’s mother and supplier of Alphabet Soup, commented on how the situation is not what her husband and herself intended when they first gave their daughter access to the customization mechanism for lunch every Thursday night.

“When we first introduced Alphabet Soup into the household, we figured it would be a fun way for Janette and her younger brother, Andrew, to innovate the daily lunchtime activity,” she said. “But now, she just harasses her brother by posting ‘ez clap’ each time she finishes her meal before him.”

When asked about what measures would be taken to end this activity, Roger Lyons stated that Janette’s access to Alphabet Soup had now been removed and replaced with Spaghettios. 

“Our family believes this decision is in the best interest for our users. Janette will still have the ability to communicate with other users, but now the range of her keyboard is limited. This will help foster a more peaceful community in our household.”

At press time, Janette has been taunting the Lyons household by spamming “ooooooooooooo” in her Spaghettios.

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Charles Martinet Steps Down as Voice of Mario After Being Unable to Finish Eating Gigantic Bowl of Spaghetti

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Famous Nintendo voice actor Charles Martinet has stepped down as the voice of Mario after failing to complete a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs, according to those familiar with the situation.

“We are very sad to be losing Charles as the voice of Mario, but we think this is the right decision for him to make and we commend him for his bravery,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “We test our voice actors every month to see if they’re physically capable of performing their rules. Charles was up to snuff for years as Mario, but in 2020, it’s time for a younger actor to don the iconic Mario ‘stache. One who can scarf down a ginormous bowl of delicious spaghetti.”

Martinet will still be playing the voices of Baby Mario, Luigi, Baby Luigi, Wario, Waluigi, and Toadsworth, if he can continue to perform at the optimal level for each one.

“You can’t stay king forever,” Martinet said in a series of tweets to fans. “I’m hoping I can still pull off the other characters, but we’ll just have to see if I pass the tests. For Luigi, I need to be able to be able to make my teeth chatter while cowering, for Wario, I need to be able to bounce on the ground with my belly, and for Waluigi, I need to be able to jack-off 15 times in one day. I think I can still do all of those for the foreseeable future.”

As of press time, Martinet was reportedly attempting to stretch out his tongue to prepare for an audition to become the voice of Yoshi.

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Beto O’Rourke Skateboarding Game Has You Collect Letters P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-C-O-W-A-R-D

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

EL PASO, Texas — Former United States representative Beto O’Rourke announced a new skateboarding video game that lets players collect the letters to spell out the phrase “POLITICAL COWARD,” along with other activities focus tested to appeal to the largest group of people possible.

“At first, I pitched collecting the letters to spell something everyone loves like ‘CAPITULATION’ or ‘HEALTH INSURANCE OPTIONS’, but I was told that the most agreeable phrase among our target demographics is ‘POLITICAL COWARD.’” Mr. O’Rourke said. “Literally every person on Earth agrees that I am a coward. I’ve been told it’s one of the few things that has been labeled as an ineffable truth. More people believe this than believe that the Earth is round. It feels good to bring people together.”

Levels will include every swing state, an El Paso music venue that slightly humanizes Beto, as well as a number of corporate boardrooms where you can kickflip over tables (as long as you clean them up after).

The game also features a large playable cast of other cool politicians, such as Senator Kirstin Gillibrand and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who have terrible stats, but can curse and use middle fingers.

“We’re so happy we get to represent Democrats in a game that will appeal to every platform available,” Perez said. “You can play this game on any console ever created — it’s been optimized to the point that it can’t be categorized as any genre or era of game. And if we can’t get onto a console, we will stop at nothing to ask very nicely if we can.”

As of press time, inside sources within the DNC warned that the game may be canceled after Democrats discovered that a handful of people were excited to play it.

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Man On His Deathbed Still Saving Fully Charged Meter Attack

Posted on by Quinn Brown

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Dying 80-year-old man Rex Titus revealed to friends and family today that, after a decade of battling heart disease, he is still saving a fully charged meter attack “for the right moment,” according to those familiar with the situation.

“I first charged my meter back in 1942. I thought I might use it against the Nazis in the war, but the right moment just never came up,” said Titus, coughing up bits of phlegm as he glowed a sickly yet powerful red-orange. “I was just a careless young kid. I didn’t know what to do with my life, or my meter attack. So, I figured I’d save it until I really needed it. I’m still holding onto it; I don’t think I could handle the regret of using it. Not for ethical reasons or anything, but I would be tormented with guilt if I let off my fireball and then needed to zone while talking to my wife and children.”

Titus’s wife, Lulu, was sorrowful when asked about her husband’s wish to preserve his meter.

“I’ve known Rex since, my Lord, I can’t even remember when,” Lulu Titus explained. “Not once in my life have I seen him use that dang meter attack. I don’t know how he does it. He told me he was saving it until marriage, but we’ve been together for 40 years, and I haven’t seen him so much as enter the first few inputs of his hyper combo. You know how men are — they like to bottle everything up, and release it when they’re trying to move in close against characters with strong air game.”

Titus’s grandson, Leehigh, expressed confusion at his father’s reluctance to use his meter attack.

“If I had a meter attack, I’d use it as soon as I could. My pop-pop says that’s immature,” said Leehigh. “Sometimes I see boys in the locker room at school, sending gigantic tendrils of ice up from the floor in front of them, or vanishing into dark portals that allow them to teleport to the other side of the school, laughing and bragging about their attacks. My pop-pop says that there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer, and that the longer I hold onto it, the more damage it’ll do when I’m finally ready to use it; he tells me I have to be worried about something called ‘true combo potential.’”

At press time, hospital staff assured the public that there is no concern of Titus accidentally releasing his meter attack at the moment of his death, since all doctors and nurses are trained in life-saving parrying techniques.

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Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Thinks He’s Battle Royale God After Unknowingly Beating First Round of Bots

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, is convinced that he is a battle royale god after winning his first game of Spellbreak unknowingly against 42 bots.

“I’ve been god-awful at every single video game I have ever played… but I guess I’m a fucking Spellbreak god?!” Olsen said to friends, according to those familiar with the situation. “It’s crazy — the mechanics are basically the exact same as pretty much every other battle royale game I’ve played, and like I said, I’m fucking trash at all those. But I guess, for whatever reason, something clicked. I won my first game with fifteen kills. I better hope this ends up being the next big game, because I’m basically Ninja.”

Olsen’s longtime friends and teammates expressed skepticism.

“He said the exact same thing when he played mobile PUBG for the first time. Kept mowing down default skin guys standing completely still with names like Roger57891725,” said Carl Faulk, a mid-tier player who Olsen describes as “the most incredible gamer” he has ever seen. “It’s gonna suck for the first few games, when he’s giving constant advice about how to strafe properly or whatever, but a few zero kill games should drop that confidence back down to tolerable.”

At press time, Olsen was debating whether to keep playing Spellbreak or just let his K/D ratio sit at 15 forever.

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5 Reasons Why We Still Don’t Believe Those ‘3D Mario Collection’ Rumors

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

By now you’ve seen the rumors: a collection of some of Mario’s greatest 3D adventures are supposedly going to be released on Switch. 

Well, if that sounds too good to be true, that’s because it sadly is. After months of leaks and baseless speculation (heck, even the official Nintendo Twitter account shared a rumor that the game would be released on September 18), no Mario 3D All Stars ever materialized. And while some fanboys are holding out hope that the game might still see the light of day, here’s 5 reasons why those “3D Mario Collection” Rumors are false!

  1. If this game was real, how come we haven’t seen it in stores? Target, WalMart, Best Buy – absolutely no one has it for sale. You mean to tell me a collection of 20+ year old games are so popular that the biggest retailers can’t keep them in stock? Yeah right. Sounds made up to us.
  2. If it was real, Nintendo would have announced the game in a general Direct. Fact: There hasn’t been a general Direct in over a year! Sure, there’s been partner showcases (including one in August that was so terrible, I’ve been flat out ignoring everything from Nintendo since then). But no real Directs.

  3. Nintendo’s next game is Metroid Prime 4. Fan’s have been hotly anticipating this one since 2017. Obviously, Nintendo would never jerk us around for years, without even so much as a progress update, right? Clearly Metroid, and not a silly Mario collection, is the next game in the queue.
  4. We’ve suffered a traumatic brain injury. We’ll admit that it is possible, although highly unlikely, that the Mario game has been released and we forgot about it. We were in a terrible biking accident that severely damaged our short-term memory. Sometimes we forget things right after they happen. Additionally, we should also mention that we were in a horrible biking accident that damaged our short-term memory.

  5. Super Mario Sunshine is dumb. No one wants to play that game, so why would that be included as one of the three Mario games in a 3D collection? It just makes absolutely no sense. You run around shooting water? Come the fuck on.

Based on the facts, there’s simply no conceivable truth to the outrageous rumors. But in the interest of fairness, we’ll check back again around April or so and see if we can find the game available for purchase then. But, we’re not going to hold our breath! Especially because our body is pretty weak after that biking accident.

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