Cockroaches Thank Homeowner for New Luxury High-Rise

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — One day after setting up her new Xbox Series X, local homeowner Maya Cruz received a letter from all of the cockroaches in her house, who thanked her for building them a new luxury high-rise.

“Things were gettin’ real cramped in that old motel,” the letter reads, seemingly referring to Cruz’s PlayStation 4. “We’ve been breeding in that place for years and there was just no space left, but this new place is like a friggin’ skyscraper! It’ll be a perfect place for our hundreds of kids to grow up and have their own hundreds of kids.”

The cockroaches complimented the Series X on its wealth of amenities, including its dark, spacious interior and tall front door. They were also impressed with the console’s perforated sunroof, which gives them an easier way to crawl in and out of the building.

“It’s about time this neighborhood got some nice real estate!” said one cockroach, cozying up inside of the console’s storage expansion slot. “The mayor of this joint has really let things go to hell over the years. Our old place was dusty as all hell, and the noise—the noise! You’d think they’d eventually send a maintenance guy to fix the damn fans, but no. How does someone live like this?”

While the roaches are ecstatic about their new living situation, Cruz is less than enthused. She says the console is already having trouble turning on, as countless roach corpses fried by the system’s power supply pile up inside of it.

“If you freeloaders are going to live here, you’re gonna start paying rent!” Cruz was heard screaming at the console. “I paid $500 for this Xbox, so if you don’t start paying to live in my property, I’m going to throw you back out in the kitchen where you belong!”

In an attempt to displace some of the roaches out of her Series X, Cruz bought a PlayStation 5. However, the bugs were not impressed by the “art deco eyesore,” saying that even they had some standards.

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Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, Hitman, and Blaseball?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

A new era is upon us. This year, a new generation of consoles will come into our homes, bringing us more realistic gaming experiences than we’ve ever seen. That’s why it’s paramount that we hold games accountable when they allow players to violate things like the Geneva Conventions, which are an important moral barrier both in war and digital entertainment. Let me show you what I mean with our latest breakdown of war crimes happening in today’s video games.

For the sake of argument, let’s put aside all of Ronald Reagan’s real life war crimes for a moment. Let’s pretend the digital version of him that appears in the upcoming Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War is an entirely fictitious version of the infamous criminal who didn’t have any hand in the Iran-Contra affair. Okay fine. Then let me point you to the game’s first trailer where someone tells Reagan that the military operation he’s proposing is, QUOTE, “highly irregular, probably illegal.” The blurb writes itself, folks.

The very core of the Hitman series is based in illegality. The unnecessary suffering, the use of mercenaries… it’s all textbook. But I’d specifically like to draw your attention to the “Fake Surrender” button, which allows you to pretend to give yourself up to the police before knocking them out with a sucker punch. Well, more bad news for Agent 47. That’s a clear violation of perfidy, which prohibits “the feigning of an intent to negotiate under a flag of truce or of a surrender.” Though admittedly, this is probably less of an issue than putting your enemies into a woodchipper.

Speaking of mercenaries, we’ve previously shamed Spider-Man himself, calling him out as a mercenary–ruling that was controversial amongst our faithful readers. But something that you can’t deny: the scientists in Marvels’ Spider-Man have never even HEARD of the Geneva Conventions. That’s just a fact.

To Samurai Jack’s credit, he fights with honor in his latest adventure, Samurai Jack: Battle Through Time. The same can’t be said for his rival Aku, who teleports Jack into a future where he rules. There’s a lot to unpack here due to article 49 of 4th Geneva Convention, which prohibits “individual forcible transfers.” Let’s call Aku’s actions what they are: temporal deportation. 

The commissioner is doing a great job… at allowing rogue umpires to violate the Protocol on Incendiary Weapons.

‘Spider-Man’ Will Feature Complex Cat Companion System That Ranges From ‘Enemies’ to ‘Doesn’t Hate You’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BURBANK, Calif. — Insomniac has announced that the Miles Morales Spider-Man game for the PlayStation 5 will feature an intricate companion system which lets players develop a bond with a bodega cat that ranges from “enemies” to “doesn’t hate you.”

“We know what people want. Spider-Cat will be a major part of Spider-Man for the PlayStation 5,” said Insomniac Games Creative Director Brian Horton in a 45-minute demonstration showcasing the new mechanic. “Spider-Cat will have a significant impact on the player’s combos, attacks, and storylines. That’s why we wanted to make sure players have full control over their relationship with him. At the beginning of the game, Mile’s relationship with Spider-Cat begins at ‘enemies.’ By giving him attention, cleaning his litter box, playing with him every day, letting him scratch criminals in the face, etc. over the course of the game, you can raise that companion meter all the way up to ‘doesn’t hate you.’”

“At the end of the day, video games are about satisfying the fantasies that we can’t ever have in our real lives,” Horton added. “That’s why we finally made a game where you can hold your cat and he doesn’t immediately squirm away. That is, if you press X repeatedly to get him to stop.”

According to the demonstration, Insomniac has taken in all of the feedback from fans about the original Spider-Man game and worked to replace any issue with Spider-Cat.

“A lot of people didn’t like the Mary Jane parts of the first game. Those have been replaced by sequences where you try to get Spider-Cat to walk around NYC by shining a laser at the ground,” Horton explained. “A lot of people didn’t like the little electrical minigames Peter had to complete in the lab. Those have been replaced by Miles trying to cut Spider-Cat’s nails, while being scratched all over his body.”

“We focused hard on making game one really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man,” he said. “This game will make you really feel like you’re playing as Spider-Man and Spider-Man owns a cat.”

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Scientists Warn Die Hard Simpsons Fans Could Only Like One Season By 2024

Posted on by Adam Condra

AMSTERDAM — Leading climate scientists have made a startling announcement, alleging that passionate fan enthusiasm for The Simpsons could dwindle to just one season by 2024.

“Generally, the consensus since the turn of the century has been that The Simpsons was at its best during its first 10 seasons,” said Dr. Nils van der Wegge, speaking from the University of Amsterdam’s Science Park campus. “Even as the quality of the show descended into a risk-averse mixture of easy jokes and mawkish sentiment, the numbers reflecting enthusiasm for the early years remained remarkably consistent. That is, until a few years ago, when our data analysis uncovered irregularities in fan consensus.”

Van der Wegge contends that these irregularities have continued to grow, and projects a timeline in which only one Simpsons season is considered “good” by die hard fans within the next four years.

“Obviously, our first instinct is to try and conserve what’s left, which appears to be a contiguous enthusiasm from season 4 to season 7.” Van der Wegge went on. “But it’s tricky to figure out how to do that for a show that has been on creative autopilot for over twice as long as it was good.”

As part of its study, the University interviewed and polled over 2,000 self-identified “die hard fans” across 30 countries, and their opinions are just as diverse as their origins.

“Look, David Mirkin is the only person who knew how to make The Simpsons work,” said Yelena Lebedev of Donetsk, Ukraine, one of the participants in the study. “I am unafraid to say it, the writing was on the wall during Al Jean’s first run in seasons 3 and 4. Man’s been in charge for the last 19 years and you see what’s happened. The more mucked up it all gets, the less I even appreciate the older stuff anymore.”

Amid the dire forecast, Dr. van der Wegge and his team continue to analyze the data and seek answers. 

“It’s unclear why this is happening,” said Dr. Corliss Moran, a member of the team that conducted the study.  “Perhaps it’s social media. Perhaps it’s ennui. Perhaps it’s because Millennials who grew up with the show can no longer relate to a satire of America where owning a home and supporting a family with a single full time job. My fear is that it is already too late to save The Simpsons’ legacy.”

Van der Wegge concluded his statement by warning that if action isn’t taken, the Family Guy community will be dealing with the same problem 10 years from now.

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Gamer Downloads Hot New Multiplayer Game Just in Time for Friends to Move On

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BANGOR, Maine — Local gamer Ned Price finally downloaded a multiplayer game his friends have been playing nonstop for weeks, only to discover that they’ve just moved on to playing a different game he doesn’t own yet.

“My buds wouldn’t stop talking about how fun Among Us was and saying that I needed to get on it,” Price explained. “So finally, I picked it up on Steam one night and asked my friends on Discord if they were up for a round. Well turns out they’re all ‘burned out on it’ now. Now I’m stuck playing this stupid game with randos online. I don’t even like it!”

Price’s friends noted that they had started playing Star Wars Squadron, and urged Price to jump on that instead. After waiting a few days for a paycheck to clear, Price bought the $40 game just in time for his friends to have moved on to Genshin Impact.

“Honestly, he kind of blew $40 there when he could have just downloaded this free RPG instead,” Price’s friend Herman Klein said. “Squadrons was fun for a second and all, but Genshin Impact is honestly where it’s at right now. You need to get to level 16 to play co-op though, so he just needs to do that before we try out Phasmophobia tomorrow night and move on forever.”

To get ahead of any more frustration, Price pre-ordered Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War after hearing his friends talk about switching to it in November. Unfortunately, they said they’ve actually already lost interest in the game, despite the fact that it isn’t out for another month.

“Honestly, we’re all just looking ahead to new consoles at this point,” longtime friend Maraithe Hale explained. “He’s going to need to get a PlayStation 5 if he hopes to catch up. We’re already planning to alternate between Destiny 2: Beyond Light, Godfall, NBA 2K21 and Destruction All Stars, so he should just get all of those just in case one sticks.”

After spending nearly $1000 on new games and preorders, Price discovered that his friends had actually gone back to playing Among Us, noting that they were itching to play something retro.

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Cisco Delays Next-Gen Office Phone for 20th Consecutive Year

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Citing production issues due to the coronavirus pandemic, Cisco Systems has delayed the long-awaited sequel to their popular Charcoal Gray Unified IP Series Speakerphone for the 20th consecutive year.

“As a company, we are disappointed about this completely unexpected delay. We were going to add all kinds of cool new stuff to the phone, like a color screen, and a cord that doesn’t tie itself into a million knots whenever you touch it,” said Cisco CEO Chuck Robbins. “We were totally gonna do that, this year, if it wasn’t for the dang COVID. Shucks.”

The announcement was devastating for passionate fans of Cisco’s flagship office phone.

“I love the thing so much. It’s hard to pick my favorite feature, whether it’s the dozen buttons that don’t do anything, or the form factor—I love how it’s the size of three bricks stacked on top of each other,” said local office worker Karey Reiner, who had yet to use the phone a single time during her three years on the job. “I was so excited to see what kind of sick moves Cisco was gonna make next. Oh well, maybe in another 20 years.”

Industry analysts predicted a huge drop in Cisco stock, as the company was expected to fall behind in the extremely competitive market for B2B enterprise hardware.

“This is going to be crushing for Cisco. As we all know, private enterprise is what drives innovation. Corporations are never going to settle into a grift where they just buy the same crap at an inflated price, over and over, every single year,” said Wall Street Journal finance reporter Chuck Houston. “That would be stupid.”

Other rumored delays included updated payroll software, a faster VPN for working from home, and fixing that fucked up bathroom on the third floor that always smells like shit.

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Roguelike Fan Also Starts Each New Day With Nothing

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

ANKENY, Iowa — Unemployed and recently single roguelike enthusiast Daryl Cain says that he feels a strong connection to the genre, because he also starts every new day with nothing.

“Games like Spelunky 2 are so comforting to me,” said Cain, who hours earlier had sluggishly lifted his body out of his bed like Zagreus in Hades after dying. “Everytime you die in a roguelike, you just start again from the top with no upgrades or anything. It’s kind of like when I wake up in the morning and stare blankly in the mirror, realizing that I just don’t have anything going for me right now. Damn.”

In order to fill the deafening silence of his apartment, Cain began playing Spelunky 2 obsessively. He’s already been able to progress several levels through the game and says he feels like his skills are improving, unlike his real life.

“I broke things off because it just felt like he was getting nowhere, you know?” explained Cain’s ex-partner, Nell Duffey. “To use one of his own metaphors, at least in Hades you get a little bit better with every run. I just wasn’t seeing that sense of progression in our relationship anymore.”

Since losing his job, Cain says he’s gotten in a repetitive cycle of waking up each day, applying for dozens of jobs, playing a few hours of Rogue Legacy 2, going to sleep, and starting over the next day. Cain notes that he has yet to land an interview for a single job he’s applied for, but he believes this problem can be remedied if he just unlocks some new items and equipment for his apartment by doing some online shopping.

“We’re really worried about him, but we know he’ll bounce back,” Cain’s mother Nancy said. “We’ve always taught him that if at first you don’t succeed, you get up and try again. And then again. And again, until you have tried hundreds of times with no hope of success and just eventually decide to quit altogether.”

At press time, Cain reportedly woke up for a new day, immediately stubbed his toe, and then headed back to bed announcing that he was killing his run for the day.

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Gamer Pokes Head Back Into Smash Bros. Ultimate to Play Exactly One Match as Steve

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local gamer Jesse Nunez excitedly turned on his Switch to download the latest software update for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate so that he could play exactly one match as Steve from Minecraft. 

“It feels like yesterday that they announced Steve was coming to Smash, that was so quick!” said Nunez while sorting his Switch game library by “time last played” and scrolling all the way to the bottom to access the game. “I’m excited to see what all of his moves do! Well, some of them will be surprises. I only watched the first few minutes of the hands-on demo until I got bored and started scrolling through Twitter.”

Nunez’s friends say that his erratic behavior when buying video game DLC that he barely plays has become a cause for concern.

“Jesse always buys into the hype whenever games announce new characters and talks about how they’re going to ‘change the meta’, but I think he just falls for the marketing and the excitement of it all,” said longtime friend Maria Antonov. “The other day he said he was looking forward to playing as Rambo in Mortal Kombat 11. I’ve never seen him play a Mortal Kombat game in my life, or watch a Rambo movie, for that matter.”

At press time, Nunez had reportedly jumped straight into a ranked online match and begun complaining that Steve’s moveset is unbalanced.

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New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors in order to promote gender inclusivity. 

While electrical connectors have been referred to as “Male” and “Female” for decades, the latest USB standards will be renaming the formerly male plugs and female sockets to “Dom” and “Sub,” respectively.

“I think it’s important to remember that the U in USB stands for Universal,” said Jeff Ravencraft, COO of the USB-IF. “There’s really no need to assign gender to these cables at birth, it’s been kind of silly from the beginning. Changing their designations to preferred sexual roles just makes a lot more sense for everyone. If we can simultaneously make our product more inclusive while also making it more overtly sexual, I think that’s a win-win!”

The USB-IF released a variety of marketing materials promoting the change, including a packet of “relatable memes” and a “USB fancam.”

“We are incredibly horny for inclusivity,” Ravencraft continued. “This is just the first step, we have a lot of changes coming up that are going to keep all USB connectors and cables hip, hot, and relevant to young people for years to come. I hope for a future where every device has a USB Type-C Sub port, a port that gladly takes it both ways if you know what I mean!”

Response from the LGBTQ+ community has been mixed, with many accusing the USB-IF of promoting over-sexualized stereotypes that cause more harm than help to the movement.

“I guess it’s a nice gesture,” said Alex Bristol, a non-binary member of the USB-IF’s marketing focus group. “But like, maybe they could have just donated money to some LGBTQ+ charities, or promoted some genderqueer-positive hiring practices, because this is all getting kind of weird. They’re talking about changing the B in USB to… to bussy. Universal Serial Bussy. We told them not to but I think they’re going to do it anyway.”

At press time, Apple is reportedly preparing a controversial statement clarifying that there are only two genders of lightning cable connectors. However, Apple does plan to roll out a series of gender neutral dongles for $20 each.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Microsoft Introduces Donnie and Luca, the Two Guys Who’ll Be Going Around Collecting Xbox Payments

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft revealed some further details about its new payment plans for its upcoming next generation consoles, introducing Donnie and Luca, two employees that have been tasked with coming around and collecting the 25 or 35 dollar payments every month from users enter into the optional financing.

“Let me tell you somethin’,” said Donnie Romano, a former Xbox Live creative director who was recently promoted to captain. “If I come by and you don’t have that fuckin’ envelope, I’m leavin’ your house with somethin’. Maybe a controller, maybe your eye, we’ll see what kind of day I’m havin’. But you’re gonna fuckin’ give me somethin’, you hear me?” 

“You fuckin’ listening to me you fuckin’ gamers?” he added before Phil Spencer, the head executive of Xbox, intervened to try and corral the proceedings.

Spencer then introduced Romano’s partner Luca Milanesi, who tried to ease some of the unrest in the room. 

“What Donnie here is saying is that we’re real happy to set all of you’s up with these Xboxes,” said the former waste management consultant and construction foreman. “These are mint condition, untraceable, one hundred percent real deal. So what, some of them don’t have the box or the cables, what am I a fuckin’ Radio Shack? You want this thing or not?”

The payment plans were initially praised by critics and gamers alike up until today’s announcement, which has cast some uncertainty over the buying public.

“I mean, I sure don’t like the idea of being shaken down to make my video game payments,” said Gene Greco, a gamer who’s lived in the neighborhood all his life. “But with Bethesda signing, they’re controlling more and more of the games out there. You gotta go through them. I hate what these crooks are doing to our gaming community, but I’m powerless to stop them.” 

As of press time, Donnie and Luca insisted they had nothing to do with the vintage Xbox unit that was thrown through the window of the flagship Sony store in New York City.

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