Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

GameStop Introduces Curbside Pestering

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

GRAPEVINE, Texas — As the COVID-19 pandemic continues with no signs of slowing down, GameStop has announced that its patented insufferable brand of customer service will now be offered to customers who do not wish to enter the physical space of a store.

“Wow, they’ve obviously overhauled their curbside experience,” said Leanne Key, after picking up a game at the location she’s been frequenting for years. “Up until recently they’d been doing a standard outside pick up, which was fine. Honestly, just perfect. But now a guy just spent five minutes trying me to join various programs and pre-order different games and systems. He got in my passenger seat and started talking about Game Informer magazine. What the fuck?”

The curbside pestering has been added to the contactless pickup system they implemented like many other retailers at the onset of the coronavirus outbreak, in an effort to boost slowing sales. The company hopes that the resumed practice of badgering every last customer of theirs will help them battle online storefronts, which can offer none of the irritations of an in person GameStop experience.

“It’s time to start getting back to normal,” said GameStop CEO George Sherman. “So that means while taking the proper precautions, of course, our sales associates can now once again completely overcomplicate the process of purchasing a video game. I know it’s a pain in the ass, but come on man, let us have this. They’re getting rid of discs, we have like a year tops before we’re a bunch of Cricket stores or vape shops, I don’t see what the harm is.”

GameStop employees have largely easily resumed many of their old working habits, much to the reported annoyance of customers nationwide.

“I’m sorry to hear I was bothering her,” said Otto O’Connell, the employee who assisted and pestered Ms. Key. “But I just figured since she was picking up Mario 3D All Stars she might also be interested in pre-ordering Super Mario 3D Land or maybe becoming a Pro Player Member and getting an extra fifteen percent on all future trade ins or maybe these cool Mario pajamas or a refurbished Nintendo Wii U, oh and right now if you buy three Funko Pops or Amiibos you can … I’m really sorry, what had you asked me?“

As of press time, Ms. Key had agreed to purchase a year’s subscription to Gamestop’s rewards program in exchange for O’Connell exiting her vehicle.

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$1 Mobile App Better Change Buyer’s Life Forever at That Price

Posted on October 22, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

LOS ANGELES — Dave Gordon expressed skepticism at purchasing a $1 app on his phone unless it would bring lifelong, universal positive change to his existence.

“I just don’t see why I would fork over that fortune for anything that won’t single-handedly make my life better in every way for the rest of time,” Gordon was heard saying at a local artisan coffee joint between sips of an americano that cost roughly three times more than the app in question. “How can they even justify charging so much when there are free apps sitting right there on the next tab over? Does it look like I’m made of fucking money? It has to be some kind of bullshit scam if you ask me.”

Workers at the coffee shop claimed the behavior was typical for Gordon.

“Despite coming here and getting the same thing every day, Dave has never put so much as a small handful of pennies in the tip jar,” one barista at the coffee shop said. “It doesn’t surprise me that he’s not willing to spend one entire American dollar on an app without the promise of it giving him the secret of a long and fulfilling existence. He’s just not that kind of guy.”

When reached for comment, the lone developer of Running Guy Deluxe, the app in question, was baffled by Gordon’s expectations.

“It’s a game about a little guy that runs to the right for fuck sake,” said the app creator during a break from his day job. “I don’t know what he wants from me.“

Gordon was last seen checking an email update from Backpacks for Birds, a Kickstarter project he pledged $350 to earlier this year.

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Jeb Bush Picks Horrible Night to Start Twitch Channel

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Famously unremarkable politician and former presidential nominee Jeb Bush began his new Twitch stream tonight in an unprecedented failure, debuting the same evening as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s record breaking stream of the hit game Among Us, which featured fellow politicians and streaming celebrities.

“Well this isn’t going at all how I’d planned,” said Bush, several minutes into his own abysmal game of Among Us with various Republican politicians. “Let’s just play the game, Jeb. It’s fun. It’s video games. I guess uh… Scott Walker is pretty sus. I didn’t… I didn’t see him do the, uh… garbage… shit, this is really, really sad. Even for me, this sucks.”

“Please sub,” Bush said to conclude his stream, which had dwindled to three viewers.

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Writer Struck With Inspiration Furiously Writes Down ‘Superman But Evil’

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Writer James Mann was reportedly scribbling down ideas in a moleskine notebook after being suddenly struck with the idea of “Superman if he was evil.”

“I mean holy shit, what a eureka moment. I have been having some writer’s block lately, truth be told. But then I was thinking… we all know Superman… but he’s good. What if he was evil? That’s when the fun began,” explained Mann, going through the process behind his new concept. “I mean can you even imagine what that would be like? The possibilities are legitimately endless. What would an evil Superman say about society? What does it say about humanity? What does it say about the notion of power? No one has ever considered these questions.”

“The hardest part so far has been deciding what my version of Superman should be named,” Mann said. “I’ve had the Thesaurus entry open for the word ‘super’ all morning. Powerman, Ultraman, Dazzleman… I’ll figure it out.”

Despite Mann’s project not having launched yet, it has already developed a growing fanbase.

“Superman But Evil is my favorite comic book. Or movie or TV show or whatever it ends up being,” said r/EvilSupes moderator u/herohater83. “I just know that when I think of Superman, I want him to be a badass villain. Lasering people in the face just cuz he thinks they’re dumb. That would RULE. You know how they say the S on his chest stands for ‘hope?’ What if it stands for ‘fuck?’”

Unfortunately, as of press time, work on Superman But Evil had paused after Mann came across information about The Boys, Watchmen, Superman: Red Son, The Dark Knight Returns, Injustice, Justice League: A Better World, Brightburn, Invincible, and various drawings on DeviantArt.

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Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Mo Mozuch

WASHINGTON — TikTok sensation Claudia Conway released a series of bombshell videos today revealing that her mother and close Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway lied about her COVID diagnosis in order to stay home and play the newly released Crash Bandicoot 4.

“Guys it’s like not even funny at this point, she’s totally faking it,” Conway said in the video which has been liked 4.2 million times. “She locks herself in the basement with a carton of Parliaments and screams about Cortex Castle being cheap as fuck. If she has a respiratory disease, why does the house smell like an ashtray fucked a donkey?”

Claudia Conway explained that her mother’s fixation on Sony’s flagship character began in the ‘90s when Crash Bandicoot first released on PlayStation. Her mother was initially drawn to the commercials featuring a live-action Crash mascot using a megaphone to yell at Nintendo HQ.

“She loved the attacks on Nintendo because it’s a Japanese company and she hates Japan, totally missing the fact Sony is Japanese because whatever,” said Conway. “She acts like that Bandicoot is some kind of fucking American folk hero.”

Trump insiders acknowledge that Crash Bandicoot’s brash persona, bold eyebrows and deep orange hue likely inspired Conway as she crafted Trump’s political persona as he dominated the GOP primary and, later, the 2016 election.

“Those were Crash talking points during those debates, no doubt about it. When he told Hillary ‘Extreme Drain the Swamp!’ that was straight from Conway’s love of Crash,” says former Trump adviser Steve Bannon. “She even got him to start calling her Tawna. Creepy.”

“The White House has categorically denied the allegations that Conway is faking her illness so she can spend time reconnecting with her beloved franchise. Despite the allure of a brand-new Crash Bandicoot adventure. According to White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, Conway is focused on her health and her role as a key advisor to the leader of the free world.

“Any suggestion that this illness is a fabrication is simply lies from the liberal left being amplified by the fake news media,” she said in a press conference earlier today. “The fact is Ms.Conway is very, very sick and plans to stay in, get some rest, and stay hydrated with plenty of Mtn Dew GameFuel. Doctor’s orders.”

At press time, Claudia Conway posted an apology tweet, revealing that her mother had died of COVID-19.

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World’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense Stat

Posted on October 20, 2020 by John Danek

PEORIA, Ill. — Friends of Shaun Conner were disappointed but unsurprised as he continually raised the defense stat of his RPG character, cementing his place as the world’s most boring gamer.

“I find that slow, steady, and careful wins the race in any video game,” explained Conner while showing off how much damage his incredibly dull, sturdy hero could withstand. “It started when I got Pokémon as a kid. I almost exclusively used Metapod’s ‘harden’ attack against my friends. Eventually my opponent would quit and call their mom to pick them up, ensuring my victory.”

“I also refuse to play a game if you can’t save at-will, because I prefer to save before entering and after exiting every single room in any game,” continued Conner, slowly enunciating every word in a monotone voice. “Another prime strategy is hoarding as much in-game gold as possible, but never spending it. A better item will always come along later!”

Conner’s friends admit that these boring, droll qualities affect aspects of his real life.

“In the rare event that you get Shaun to hang out, it’s mostly conversation about home security, strong fencing, and putting money into your 401(k),” said long-time best friend Josh Patel. “But he has a massive game collection and lends me games all the time, which is dope. I could do without the advice on retro game storage and the legal contract ensuring that I will return the game on time, though.”

A game developer weighed in on the necessity of allowing for a variety of play styles, even if some seem as boring as watching paint dry.

“The overwhelming majority of gamers are either going to pump strength or magic stats; we know this,” stated Jessica Wilmington, senior programmer at Monkfish Games. “But a tiny subset choose to play in the most passive, tedious styles imaginable. So while I don’t agree morally with their choice, it is ethically our duty to provide them that option, if they so choose. Even if defense-minded video gaming is an affront in the eyes of God.”

At press time, Conner’s gaming session was cut short when he had to recharge his controller after the battery dipped below 90%.

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Trump Refuses to Pass Controller After Character Dies

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — Continuing his trend of bucking universally accepted social norms, President Donald Trump today announced his refusal to pass the controller to anybody else, frustrated White House sources confirmed.

“We all know — and everybody says this, ask anybody — that if your character dies within 20 minutes, then the turn doesn’t count, and you deserve four, eight, maybe even 12 more turns,” said President Trump while pressing “continue” to begin another round of play.

“Besides, I had to get through a really difficult level when I started playing on Obama’s old save file. This section is harder than any section anybody else has ever had to deal with, and in fact, the game probably has a glitch put there by liberals coders or something,” explained the president, driving his character’s vehicle directly over a waterfall. “If I was president of this game, the first thing I’d do would be to build big, beautiful, seven-lane roads, and make the bad guys pay for them, too!”

Trump’s consecutive turns in his favorite game, Halo 3: ODST, were taken at the expense of other, more talented players hoping for a chance to play.

“I’m calling on the American people to let me play! I’ve been very patient, and I’m kind of a stickler for rules,” said presidential and Halo-playing hopeful, Joe Biden. “I might not be able to beat the whole game by myself, but I’m sure I can at least avoid what appears to be intentional suicide.”

Even if Trump were to eventually give somebody else a turn at the game, experts believe it unlikely he’d simply hand his personalized gold-plated controller to Biden or another qualified player and would instead choose somebody from his friends list.

“I’m not at all worried about waiting for my turn to play,” said Donald Trump Jr, 42. “Every couple years I’ll ask dad if I can have a turn, and he always says I should wait until I’m older, and I totally get it. Though I’ll admit sometimes I’m worried he’ll give my turn to Ivanka or even that Putin guy he keeps talking to over Xbox Live.”

As of press time, Trump was complaining the real issue wasn’t so much with his play, but rather with the worn-out controller sticks he’d inherited from former President Obama.

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5 Animals We Think Crash Bandicoot Might Be

Posted on October 19, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Your typical video game mascot will tell you right away in their name if they are an animal. For starters, there’s Sonic the Hedgehog, Ecco the Dolphin, and Tony Hawk, just to name a few. But clearly these traditional naming conventions didn’t apply to the curiously named Crash Bandicoot. What exactly is he?

Since Naughty Dog decided to keep things hush hush when it came to identifying the species of the iconic character they created, we took it upon ourselves to brainstorm five animals we think Mr. Bandicoot might be.

Hedgehog

Sure, there’s Sonic. But as we all know, real life hedgehogs aren’t blue, fast, or even slightly interested in gold rings, so it’s quite plausible that the creators wanted to cash in on the success of Sonic with a more reality-based hedgehog franchise. Who knows? Crash Bandicoot could be what real life hedgehogs actually look like! We would have to do more research to be sure.

Coyote

This one feels like it could be likely, because “Crash Bandicoot the Coyote” is an absolute disaster to pronounce and would take up far too much space on the box art to spell the whole thing out. It would make sense if Naughty Dog had simply cut out the word “coyote” for the sake of brevity, which would finally explain this mystery once and for all.

Fox

If you don’t count Fox McCloud and like 30 other characters, these woodland creatures are severely underrepresented in video games. Crash also shares several characteristics with your everyday fox: he’s kind of orange, somewhat sly, and has a pair of bushy Mario-esque eyebrows. Just like a real fox.

Tasmanian Devil

Could Crash have been modeled after the beloved Looney Tunes character the Tasmanian Devil? Just kidding! We all know that’s not a real-life animal species, either. Although it is kind of weird that Crash’s only move is spinning around like a tornado just like Taz…maybe both Crash Bandicoot and Taz are based on the same animal? Argh, this is killing us!

Something From Australia

The land down under is filled with all types of strange animals with even stranger names. Maybe Crash is based on one of those things? Maybe like a dingo, wallaby, or echidna. By process of elimination, it’s gotta be something like that.

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Roommate Ejected From Apartment After Lying About Finishing ‘Dishes’ Task

Posted on October 19, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local roommate Phil Darrow was ejected from his apartment after his friends discovered that he had lied about completing his dishes task.

“Dishes are a visual task. Everyone can tell if you did because we would see the dishes moving to the cabinet. It’s a clear cut case of being sus,” said Darrow’s roommate Nick Ginn. “We had but one choice: we set an emergency meeting and voted to eject him from the apartment. I mean come on — you gotta do your chores. Even our dead roommates still complete their tasks.”

According to Dr. Stojan Jamesson, a sociologist who focuses on the nature of living arrangements, this is a growing phenomenon.

“Usually in a group of ten or so roommates, there is one to two people who are sort of roommate-impostors — just kinda roaming around from room to room pretending to do their tasks in an attempt to trick the other roommates,” they explained. “These people will do anything to avoid doing their chores, ranging from turning off all the lights in the home to even murdering all of the other roommates. I suggest you remove any of these people from your home immediately if you encounter one.”

Despite mounting evidence against Darrow, fellow roommate Leon Flynn suspiciously defended Darrow when accused of not doing dishes.

“I don’t know, we just don’t have enough info right now,” Flynn reportedly said. “I’ve been with Phil all day. When the fire alarm went off in the building, he was the first one to open the door for people to escape. If he was as evil as everyone says, wouldn’t he have kept it locked? I think we should all agree not to eject anyone right now.”

As of press time, Flynn was also ejected from the apartment after all other roommates forgot that they had seen him do vacuum.

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Miniboss Laying It on a Little Thick With Pre-Battle Speech

Posted on October 18, 2020 by Andy Holt

REALM OF DISDAIN — Shortly before losing a recent battle with an adventurer, local mid-level demon Ulgruuf the Unyielding reportedly got a bit carried away with his speech.

“The guy takes pride in his work, and I can understand that, but at what point does perspective come into play?” said avenging hero PuphPazz42O after the 17-second battle in which Ulgruuf hardly made contact. “The dude was all, like, ‘I shall hang your bones on my wall as decoration,’ meanwhile I’m pretty sure he’s only here to help me get the hang of my Slow Time spell.”

The speech in question lasted roughly two minutes, during which Ulgruuf paced his chambers while calling lesser demons to project images of death and destruction on the ceiling. At one point, he vowed to defeat God himself and become ruler of all creation.

“I’m pretty sure the whole spiel was skippable, but I didn’t want to be rude. You can tell a lot of work went into a production like that. If I don’t stop to admire it, what’s the point of plunging into the depths of Hell, anyway?” added PuphPazz42O in a later interview, shortly before defeating the embodiment of all evil in the known universe. “Plus, I needed a second to think about some changes to my build.”

Longtime colleagues of Ulgruuf claimed the speech was what they’d come to expect from him.

“Yeah, that guy never shuts up,” said a henchman for Lucifer Prime, the final boss. “I have more health than he does, and I haven’t said a single word to a challenger in a hundred million years. My name is literally Demon Brute. This is why I keep telling the fellas that we need to unionize.”

At press time, Ulgruuf had resurrected and was refusing to cut down the speech for the next encounter, insisting it was already a “tight two.”

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