God Laughs as Man Puts “Final” in Exported File Name

Posted on by Neil Floyd

HEAVEN — Our Heavenly Father was overwhelmed with laughter after watching Illinois native Bobby Kenworth use the word “final” in a new video file name earlier today, multiple angelic sources confirmed.

“He seriously did it,” said the Lord Almighty between fits of thunderous cackling. “This stupid fucker has no idea he forgot the g in ‘angus’ in the graphic at 3:21. Oh man, he just sighed in relief, too! Bobby, you’re too much. I haven’t laughed this hard since his ancestors tried building that big-ass tower to Heaven. They were prideful enough to call that one ‘final’ too, and look how that turned out for them. The only thing final here is that Bobby is a moron with 15 more hours of editing left and a stress-induced heart attack coming at age 41.”

The Alpha and the Omega then paused to catch his breath after another round of laughter.

“What is it with these hairless monkeys that makes them so sure of themselves? I’m a cosmic being of limitless and incomprehensible power, and even I get afraid when I hit the export button in Adobe Premiere.”

Even some of God’s closest advisors were hesitant to support his behavior.

“It’s tough to watch,” said Saint Michael during a quick break from his eternal war against Satan. “I’m out here busting my ass against the Great Deceiver, and He’s just laughing at some poor dude in Illinois who’s gonna punch a hole in his monitor in exactly—” St. Michael said, pausing to check his watch. “—36 seconds.” 

Other sources were more direct in their criticism.

“God’s kind of a dick, if you think about it,” said a weird naked baby angel that asked to remain anonymous. “Did you hear about the time some kids were making fun of a bald dude and He sent bears to eat them? It’s in the Bible. Anyways, I’m pulling for little Bobby. Too bad he has no idea about the fade-in at 44:23 that he’s going to agonize over for 2 straight days. Sucks, but what can an omnipotent celestial entity do about it?”

At press time, God was seen microwaving a bag of popcorn while he waited for Kaecie Dorian, 35, to renew her lease one minute before getting laid off.

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Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

NEW YORK —  Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting a big ol’ honkin’ laser at the planet, sources say.

“As Iron Man, I’ve saved the world from forces that would destroy our world using only my sweet-ass lasers and the occasional missile,” Stark said, standing next to a freakin’ huge prototype of the big ol’ laser. “But the global threat of climate change isn’t something you can just shoot a unibeam at. That’s why I’ve built an even bigger Unibeam that I’m gonna throw up into the atmosphere and let it ride!”

Speaking for the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, Lead Scientist Anders Johannson praised Stark for his contribution. 

“Our data shows that the warming climate will lead to larger natural disasters, ecosystem collapse, and a mass influx of refugees from affected areas. Our world governments agree that this stuff is totally lame and a bit of a snooze-fest, so it’s so exciting to see Tony Stark making a kick-ass laser blaster that will cool down the Earth and go pew-pew-pew at the same time.”

Stark shared more details about the technology powering the massive laser to a rapt crowd. “With the onboard Artificial Logistics Global Operations Raygun Executable A.I system, or A.L.G.O.R.E., this laser beam will be shot at the perfect angle to cool the earth by 1o Celsius and look like a sweet Led Zeppelin laser light show.”

Social media trends suggest Stark’s reveal has overshadowed Pym Industries’ recent announcement of a widdle itty-bitty baby laser for babies that will solve world hunger.

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Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid

Posted on by Dave Cross

SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified equipment should be the only kind that belong “on the leaderboard.”

“Running BizHawk to complete a game is exactly like completing an orgasm with a Hitachi Magic Wand,” Clemens argued. “Tool-assisted runs, by their nature, do not deserve to be in the same orbit. They should be invalidated in favor of manual runs, to be performed or validated by an official. In this case, me.”

Clemens insisted no tool could replace the dexterity, skill and practice required for manual completion. 

“That level of dedication can’t compare to the simple act of pressing a button. And just ONE button push, at that.”

TASVideos, the primary resource for tool-assisted runs, responded with a statement. 

“The TASVideos community respectfully disagrees with Mr. Clemens’ assertion. Carefully-tuned tools can provide just as much, if not more enjoyment than manual manipulation,” said their spokesperson. “In our community, videos that showcase elaborate tool-assisted completions are viewed, appreciated, favorited and re-watched as much as manual interaction videos. People can’t get enough of the stuff.”

When briefed on the details of the dispute between Clemens and his girlfriend, TASVideos pulled back, refusing to comment further.

“Wait,” said the spokesperson, “we’re talking about video games, right?”

Clemens disagreed vehemently with the criticism.

“Who said anything about enjoyment? We’re not talking about how one method provides a quicker, more fulfilling, satisfying, pleasurable and intense experience than the other,” said Clemens, scowling at her drawer of exploits and emulators. “This isn’t about the choice she prefers far more often. This is about categories and rules.”

Pressed for her opinion on the matter, Clemens’ girlfriend Kristin Baker was resolute. 

“Maybe if he could fuck as well as he splices videos of runs, he wouldn’t have this problem.”

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Origin of Fake News Traced Back to Friend Saying He Played ‘Pokemon Purple’ in 2002

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Researchers have discovered that the origin of the “fake news” phenomenon stretches all the way back to 2002, when your friend Dennis McNulty claimed to have played Pokémon Purple.

“Clickbait journalism, Donald Trump railing against the New York Times, Q-Anon… all of this stems from the moment 11-year-old Dennis said he caught a ‘Black Pikachu’ in Pokémon Purple,” explained historian Dr. Clair Blevins. “Journalists didn’t realize, before 2002, that they could just lie and get away with it. Seeing your eyes light up at the possibility that Dennis had an uncle who works at Nintendo and gave Dennis a copy of the unreleased game changed all that. It was the exact origin of made-up inside sources. It was very likely the beginning of the end of all news media. Now every political writer has an ‘uncle’ who works at the White House.”

McNulty, who now works as a content farmer for website Today Always, swears to this day that he really did play Pokémon Purple.

“Look, I don’t care what you think about me, but I’m not a liar. What’s next? You’re gonna claim that my copy of Majora’s Mask I had as a kid wasn’t really haunted?! You know it just stopped being like that because I performed an exorcism on it right before you got to my house!” McNulty said. “There is nothing more important to me than the truth. I don’t have time for this shit, anyway. I have to publish my new article, 37 Times Lady Gaga Accidentally Revealed She Was Secretly a Man.”

Despite McNulty’s insistence, many have criticized him as a result of the findings. President Donald Trump spoke about McNulty and the larger issue of fake news at a recent press conference. 

“The lying Dennis media is out to get us all! I knew – I knew all along – from the very beginning – that there was no such thing as a MewThree. It would be too powerful! Too powerful… it’s fake news, folks,” the President explained, desperately taking breaths every few words. “But I will create Pokémon Purple. No one else can do it! I alone can bring you Pokémon Purple. I alone can tell our scientists – our brilliant, beautiful American scientists – to create the powerful MewThree. So we can finally defeat China.”

At press time, in a desperate attempt to bring journalism back to its former glory, Nintendo announced they would finally release a game called Pokémon Purple, in which you can catch a Black Pikachu.

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Game Produced Without Crunch Unless You Count the Delicious Crunch of These Sweet Chili Doritos

Posted on by Kyle Erf

SEATTLE — Tire Tactics, the newly released car combat title from Spitfire Games, has been commended for being produced while respecting employees’ working conditions and also their desires for wonderful Frito-Lay products.

“I wanted to make sure we could make Tire Tactics in 40-hour weeks, even if that meant changing scope,” said James Thomas, founder of Spitfire Games. “It’s just not sustainable, even if you do have a well-stocked break room.”

After working a decade of long hours at major studios like Electronic Arts, Thomas and several members of his old team left to build a more respectful workplace at Spitfire. 

“When I was working at big companies, it could be months of 70 or 80-hour weeks. I didn’t have time to go buy a bag of Ruffles on my way home, much less make a trip to, say, Taco Bell. I’m proud to say we don’t pressure anyone here.”

While everyone within the studio agreed late nights at the office were rate, some alleged that Spitfire isn’t as rosey as Thomas implied regarding expectations. 

“There’s a lot of pressure to try whatever bag of Doritos the bosses bring in, you know?” said one longtime employee on condition of anonymity. “They’ll be like, ‘Hey, everyone is going to try out these Sweet Chili Doritos today. You don’t have to try any but, like, everyone is probably gonna have some Doritos and they’ll notice if you don’t.’ It’s kinda toxic. Though it is nice I have time to see my boyfriend.”

Spitfire Games’ methods were endorsed heartily by labor researcher Dr. Diana Rigby, Honorary Cool Ranch Doritos Chair of Labor Studies at UC Santa Barbara. 

“Studies show that crunching more than 50 hours a week leads to a catastrophic decline in productivity,” said Rigby. “That is most certainly not mucho extreme. So crunching on the sugar and spice hit of Sweet Chili Doritos is definitely the crunch game developers should be after.”

When asked whether prolonged consumption of fried corn and salt would have any impact on worker quality of life, Rigby said, “That is not my area.”

In the end, the marketplace will decide whether this unique approach to crunch is workable. Wrote one Reddit commenter: “Idk. Playing Tire Tactics wouldn’t be fair to the games from developers of other games who actually were mistreated. After all they sacrificed more. I think I’ll skip it.”

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Kids With Two Living Parents Demand Representation in Disney Films

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BURBANK, Cali. — A protest was held outside Disney headquarters earlier this week by the organization Kids of Two Loving Parents (KoTLP) demanding that the company start representing them in their kids’ films.

“I grew up watching Disney films and thought I was weird for having two parents,” KoTLP founder Meghan Torres said during the protest. “How come one of my parents hadn’t died tragically? How come I didn’t have any step-siblings? From Snow White to Big Hero 6, we were given depictions of fractured homes that were wholly unrealistic. I used to be so jealous of the orphan I went to school with, not to mention Katie’s whose mom died, like, right when Finding Nemo came out. How lucky was she?!”

Disney publicity officer, Leslie James, understands KoTLP’s concerns but defends her company.

“We here at Disney want everyone to feel like they are part of the Disney family, even if they have a family of their own,” James said in a press statement. “Rapunzel is reunited with both of her parents in Tangled, and what about The Incredibles? Is Moana’s mom alive, I can’t remember. I think she was. See, there’s another one. We hope to represent everyone. For every Max Goof, whose mom just doesn’t seem to exist, there is a Miguel from Coco who has both of his parents. I think we literally just forgot to put a father in Spies In Disguise but he is alive in the story’s canon.”

USC Film History professor Mandy Mills, however, feels Disney has a long road ahead of it.

‘Belle, Jasmine, Lilo & Nani, Tiana, Bambi, Tarzan, Ariel, Elsa & Anna, Cinderella, I mean, and those are just the big box-office films. And where is Andy’s dad in Toy Story?! We don’t know,” Mills said during a lecture on underrepresented groups in film. “Where is the film for little Billy and Susy whose parents are still together after 25 years and have family board game night once a week? Look at Onward, they are trying to bring back the spirit of their dead father! What child from a two-parent household can relate to that?!”

As of press time, Diney contacted us to remind us that both of Mulan’s parents are still alive.

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Lost Red Bull Car Ends Up in Military Parade

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

PYONGYANG — Confusing intelligence officials who initially mistook it as some unusual model of short-barrel tank, a Red Bull branded SUV reportedly found itself lost in the middle of a recent North Korean military parade celebrating the 75th anniversary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, sources say.

“The North Korean government loves to use their parades as an opportunity to show off their new military vehicles, so when we saw a small silver and blue vehicle with a large canister pointing at a 45-degree angle, we assumed it was just another new weapon they’d built,” said Philip Moore, member of a watchdog group working to monitor the proliferation of nuclear weapons. “Now that we’ve reviewed some higher-resolution satellite photos, it’s clear that it’s actually just one of those old Red Bull cars that you’d see at music festivals. It’s really hard to say how it ended up there, but I know one thing for sure: it’s definitely lost.”

U.S. intelligence officials were equally surprised by the news, but said that the car could be a powerful strategic asset on the ground in Pyongyang.

“We’re working hard to try and get in contact with the driver of the Red Bull car,” said an unnamed State Department official. “Since these are promotional vehicles, it’s very possible that there are still unopened cans of Red Bull in the car’s trunk. It might even have a built-in mini fridge to keep the drinks cold. If we could somehow get the driver of the car to convince Kim Jong Un to try a free Red Bull, it could exacerbate his recent heart condition, neutralizing him and preventing the threat of military strike against the U.S.”

The State Department official was enthusiastic that the presence of the Red Bull car could be an advantage for the U.S. amid cold relations with North Korea.

“It’s good to have plenty of strategic assets in a tense diplomatic standoff, and we’ve actually seen this approach work before. We snuck an Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile into the German–Soviet military parade in Brest-Litovsk in 1939 and that was a hugely important part of why we beat the Nazis.”

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week — Oops! All Donkey Kong

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

I’ll admit to you, dear readers, that this week was a bit of a crisis for me. Not many people were commenting on our articles, and I was worried that I wouldn’t have any material for the column this week. Then I noticed that all of you had seemingly focused all attention towards one article about Donkey Kong. I should have never doubted you all; you were simply waiting for your muse. I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Let’s take a trip to Donkey Kong Country.

5. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Signmanstrr AC:NH knows the first step of debating: don’t. By giving non-believers a platform, we are validating their position. How else would we be able to play DK Bongos unless we had genetically inherited the ability from Donkey Kong himself?

4. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Thankfully, rising global temperatures means more tropical climates for bananas to grow in. Life will go back to how it was meant to be — riding rhinos, shooting out of barrels and living in a cave with our immense banana hordes. I’d trade capitalism for fighting giant crocodiles any day.

3. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Classic character creationist argument. If this were true, all humans would look like giant penis monsters and would have been given up on by the civilization stage. Not to mention, the universe would have crashed to desktop millions of years ago.

2. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Creationists will tell you that all those coconuts found near the skeletons of megafauna are planted, but we all know the truth. Anthropologists have been studying this primitive technology for decades.

1. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Finally, your dream has come true
Turns out you’re a member of the D-K crew!
Your smart, and clever, thanks to humanity
But that means you live in a so-ciety!
You can vote, but it does not matter
This Kong has no actual power!
You can’t lift boulders, can’t run up a tree
This Kong doesn’t even use their degree!
Huh!

Thank you to all you wonderful Kongs for your comments! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Alt Right Group Accidentally Kidnaps Michigan J. Frog

Posted on by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

LANSING, Mich. — In a comic, but ultimately tragic mishap, a local alt-right militia group attempting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer has accidentally kidnapped famed Warner Brothers mascot Michigan J. Frog.

“I don’t know what the deal with this Governor Michigan is, but all the sudden he ain’t talking,” said alt-right militia member and down-on his-luck-vagrant, Russell Hughes. “I swear to God he was singing and dancing about how we all need to wear masks, but as soon as we tried to show the media, he shuts up! We look like a bunch of damn idiots!”

Fellow cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn was reportedly upset that his friend Michigan had been kidnapped.

“They’re comin’ for us!” Leghorn said, he said, he said, he said, he said, in a press release issued this afternoon. “I tell you, this needs to be dealt with, boy! We need to organize, I say! First Elmer Fudd came for Bugs, and I said, I said, I said, I said nothing because I was not Bugs Bunny, but now they’re pointing guns at all of us!”

According to those familiar with the situation, former Chicago resident Michael Jordan has not kept up with the various cartoon characters he worked with on Space Jam.

“Hey man, it was just a job for me. I’m not keeping up with Taz, or whatever. Plus, I was pretty fucking faded that entire production,” Jordan explained. “I did date Lola Bunny for a few years, but fuck, man, that did not end well. I can’t even see my weird, fucked up half-Jordan, half-bunny kids anymore. I lost those little freaks in the divorce.”

At press time, a bunch of alt-right militia members were seen with small cups trying to kidnap Lake Michigan one glass at a time.

Little Baby Boy Tom Holland Stars in Big Grown Up Movie With Adults

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Young baby child and Spider-Man actor Tom Holland stars in the new film The Devil All the Time with all the big grown up actors. 

“It was very nice working with such a sweet little boy in my new movie,” said director Antonio Campos. “He’s quite amazing, to be honest; he can do all the big boy acting stuff that the grown-ups do! It’s very cute to watch him working on his little accents and facial expressions and such. I hope he sticks with acting! A lot of kids lose interest as they get older and realize the reality of the industry.”

According to those on set, it was a welcome change having a child running around for once, instead of a bunch of adults, like normal.

“It really brightened the mood of the whole cast, having Tom play pretend with us. You gotta remember sometimes that this whole thing is pretty darn silly. I guess having a baby boy like Tom Holland hanging with the adults made us remember that,” said co-star Robert Pattinson. “Sometimes it’s good to just remember what it’s like to be young and not hung up with the problems that come with adulthood. Oh to be Tom’s age, again. Running around chasing butterflies or whatever it is that children get up to.”

At press time, Holland’s smooshy little baby face explained that he had no idea what any of his co-workers were talking about.

“I swear to god,” Holland said,” every time those guys talk, all I hear is the sound the parents make in Peanuts.”

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