New Patch Fixes Glitch That Made Pen Mightier Than Sword

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

EARTH — Developers of the planet Earth have released a new patch that fixes a thousands-year-old glitch which accidentally made pens mightier than swords.

“Oooh boy, this is a pretty embarrassing glitch,” explained a developer in a recent blog post announcing the patch. “It should have been pretty obvious to players that the swords should be mightier than pens. They stab, they slice, and they’re big hunks of metal. Pens, though? Those are gimmick items, at best. Sure, they have that little writing perk, but that doesn’t mean they should have been as mighty as swords! You can’t even kill someone with a pen, unless you’re a really advanced user like that John Wick guy. Better late than never, but I’m glad we finally patched up such an old glitch.”

“This is a pretty common occurrence in programming, but we’re lucky that we’re able to release patches,” the post added. “You look at games like Halo: Combat Evolved, and you just know that the pistol was never supposed to be that powerful. Here on Earth, though, thankfully can set the record straight so that gamers can enjoy a more balanced meta.”

Despite the obvious error in programming, the fact that the pen has been mightier than the sword for so long has been seen by many players as a positive. 

“Whoa whoa whoa, the pen being mightier than the sword was like my favorite thing about this planet! Now I gotta learn a whole new meta?!” complained author Cormac McCarthy. “I’ve spent my whole time playing Earth being a solo pen main and I loved it because the mechanic was so deep. I mean, for all of human existence, we’ve said that history is written by the victors. Now it’s just about who has the best sword? They should at least release a legacy server for those of us who want to play the old way. Once again the devs have fucking ruined this shit.”

“This is a pretty big issue for those of us at the top of the server who have dedicated our lives to getting good at this,” said United States House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “My whole persona and income is wrapped up in this one class. It’s just totally unfair.”

Some players, however, have embraced the new change.

“Honestly, I like when the devs shake up the meta. I might not be a pro or a hardcore player, but as a casual who just likes to try new stuff, I’m down to mess around with swords if they got a buff. I wasn’t big into the pen mechanic anyway, it was too complicated,” said local Earthling Bert May. “I just hope they nerf guns a little bit. That shit has been so dominant and unfair for, like, ever and I’m so bad at countering it. Any time I try to pull out a mace or a spear, I just get insta-shot. And don’t get me started on how long and how expensive it is to get out of the hospital sections of life.”

At press time, developers assured players that they shouldn’t get too concerned about future patches anyway, as they were already working on Earth 2, and would be shutting down the old Earth servers soon after the final “Climate Change” storyline anyway.

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E3 Journalist Misses Visceral Thrill of Copying Press Releases in Person

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN FRANCISCO — While covering the online-only E3 2021, video game journalist Shaun Carlson has reportedly missed the excitement of copying press releases on location.

“Covering E3 remotely is boring. You just paste the release from the developer, change up the wording, click the ‘publish’ button, then do it all over again. But when you’re there in person, sometimes they give you paper materials instead, and you get to use the photocopier,” said Carlson, who has covered the event from home this year. “It’s so thrilling.”

Besides the exhilaration of dealing with physical documents, Carlson also preferred the high-pressure environment in the press room at the Los Angeles Convention Center.

“I want to be like those hard-knuckled reporters from the old days. Taking risks, hunting down scoops, getting my hands dirty in the field. E3 is normally my chance to do that,” said Carlson, a graduate of the Columbia School of Journalism. “Like, one time I missed an Ubisoft event, and I had to think on my feet and borrow the handout from a friend. Ran it through the Xerox—didn’t even hesitate. Heart still races when I think about it.”

Carlson has tried to recreate the experience of field reporting at home this year, but the results have been disappointing.

“First thing I did was print out the PDFs and put them in this binder. That was pretty dope, but it only took, like, 10 minutes. Wish I had taken my time with it,” he said, paging slowly through the event schedule again. “Maybe I’ll print a second copy of everything, just to be safe.”

Roberts was last seen preparing for the Xbox press conference by turning off all the lights in his room and swinging a green flashlight around for no reason.

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Millennial’s Retirement Portfolio Still Has a Few Empty Sleeves

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

EVANSTON, Ill. — 28-year-old bartender Grace Federman reportedly discovered several empty sleeves in her retirement portfolio after going through the Pokémon cards in her parents’ garage.

“With such an uncertain economy, it’s reassuring to have stable assets like a first-edition shadowless holographic Ninetales in your back pocket,” said Federman as she wiped down the back of a card with a microfiber cloth. “These extra plastic sheets will come in handy if I discover any unexpected investment opportunities at a yard sale or cousin’s house.”

Federal Reserve spokesman Brandon Greene commended financially savvy millennials like Federman for their forward-thinking outlook. 

“Teaching our children about 401k accounts and NM / Mints from a young age helps to build financial literacy,” said Greene. “Ms. Federman has shown us the benefits of holding on to assets long-term, although we generally would recommend that she diversify her portfolio with Yu-Gi-Oh! and Magic: The Gathering cards to protect her against nostalgia volatility in the future.”

Despite the bright outlook of her retirement plan, Federman was apprehensive when asked about her financial planning.

“It’s disappointing when I compare myself to my parents. When they were my age, they already had a house, a pension, and several sleeves of Mickey Mantle rookie cards. That kind of wealth just seems out of reach for my generation today.”

At press time, Federman had begun investing in cryptocurrency after downloading the Star Wars Card Trader app.

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Exhausted Fan Game Developer Prays Nintendo Sends Cease and Desist Soon

Posted on by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — Paul Moreno, the lone developer for a dating simulator game based on Nintendo’s popular Zelda franchise, once again asked God to please intervene and take this burdensome project away from him, friends of the 24-year-old writer report.

“Please, Lord, remind Nintendo’s lawyers what I’m doing,” pleaded Moreno, who has spent the last six months of his free time working on Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Hearts. The game, whose early screenshots found viral success online, promises to let players “experience the world of Hyrule like never before” with “over 20 kissable characters.”

“It started as a fun idea I wanted to try,” said the first-time game developer. “Now I spend all my time working on a game I can’t even sell, and the fans won’t leave me alone.” Moreno claims to receive direct messages each day asking for progress updates and offering suggestions for the hotly anticipated fan game. “I am glad people are excited but I wish they would stop threatening me and/or offering to do the soundtrack.”

“I’ve done the math and this is going to take me at least three more years working part-time,” added Moreno. “When I started I just wanted you to be able to kiss Ganon. I didn’t realize I’d have to plan six different Ganon-kissing dialogs depending on if you are friends with Impa or have light arrows in your inventory. Video games are a goddamn mess.”

Asked about A Link Between Hearts, a Nintendo of America spokesperson responded, “We do not comment publicly on any alleged violations of Nintendo’s copyrights — unless such projects already have years of effort put in. Then we’ll really bring the hammer down.”

Moreno was still holding out hope for a cease and desist, going as far as to mail Nintendo a pre-addressed envelope with all of his contact information.

Wrote Moreno, “I stare at a screen all day at work and then I come home and do this. My cat doesn’t even pay attention to me anymore. Please, Nintendo. You alone can end my pain. Just give me an out.”

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Yoshi Okay Living Like This

Posted on by Kyle Erf

DINOSAUR LAND — The perennial member of the Mario Bros clique is reportedly still content to eat and sleep in a house made of three trees and a fireplace, friends and neighbors say.

“I love Yoshi, but he needs to get his priorities straight,” said Mario Mario, Yoshi’s friend and occasional passenger. Many in the bipedal dinosaur’s inner circle are reportedly fed up with his minimalist lifestyle. Said Mario, “You’d never know it was a home if he didn’t write his name on it. There are mostly-eaten turtle shells all over the place and he never empties the ashtray. He doesn’t even own a computer.”

“I am pushing him to at least get a bedframe,” noted the mustachioed plumber. “It’d really help him with the ladies and… you know honestly I have no idea how Yoshi’s reproduce.”

Yoshi first moved into his so-called house five years ago after being expelled from a shared living situation. “We used to be roommates,” said Rex, fellow Dinosaur Land resident. “Yoshi is a sweet guy in small doses, but he’s awful to live with. He ate all of my food in the fridge and several of my friends — and without asking my permission, mind you!”

Following a brief period of homelessness and pipe surfing, Yoshi finally settled in what was decades ago the site of a small house fire that left a family dead with nothing but the fireplace still standing. Homeowners associations have long protested Yoshi’s house as an eyesore and fire hazard, but so far nothing has stuck.

Asked for his own take on the matter, Yoshi replied, “Heerrrrruppppppp. Yoshiiiii!!!”

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Downtrodden Golduck Puts on Belt and Jorts for Second Job as Digimon

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

SAFFRON CITY, Kanto — Longtime Nintendo employee and anthropomorphic bipedal duck Golduck has recently begun moonlighting as a Digimon to make ends meet.

“When the Sword & Shield layoffs were going on, that’s when we all started to get a little worried,” said Golduck from his studio apartment, as he prepared for a shift in the digital world. “Meowth had to pick up a Galarian form as a third gig, for Christ’s sake. The guy is on TV and just barely getting by. That alone says enough.”

While Golduck was grateful for the gig as a digital monster, he complained that he didn’t exactly feel like a champion.

“The money’s good, but these guys are weird, man. Goin’ around speaking in full sentences like they’re such hot shit. Whatever happened to just saying your own name? Short and to the point, no beatin’ around the bush,” the blue skinned, blue collar worker griped as he fastened his skull-adorned jorts. “And can you believe these uniforms? The jorts are pretty tame but some of these motherfuckers are head to toe in leather. We’re around kids all day. It ain’t right, it’s sick.”

The Water-type icon hopes to return to his flagship franchise soon, but remains unsure of the future.

“For a while I was waiting on a Pokémon Snap callback, but it’s pretty clear now that ain’t fuckin’ happening,” Golduck muttered as he strapped on numerous gothic belts. “Hey, this is all anonymous, right? The monkey suit helps me blend in, but I wanna keep it hush hush. I’m something of a celebrity back home. I’d hate for anyone to find out I’m double dipping.”

When reached for comment, Bandai’s PR representative took no issue with the news.

“That guy’s a Pokémon? Oh. Cool, I guess? It’s whatever. We hired one of those guys that pop outta the Beyblades last week. It’s the economy of collectable monsters. Same shit, different pile.”

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Bishop Zips Across Chessboard Outta Fuckin Nowhere

Posted on by Chandler Dean

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — In a major blow that took place just seconds into one of his first casual games, chess player Ezra Kelly was taken aback after seeing his opponent’s bishop zip across the chessboard outta fuckin’ nowhere to unexpectedly take his rook.

“There I was, thinking I had all the time in the world,” said Kelly, recalling his harrowing experience with an unmistakable glint of regret and terror in his eyes. “Then suddenly, bam! The bishop just fuckin’ sprints his ass across the board and wrecks my rook like it’s nothing. Jesus Christ, like a bat outta hell, that thing.”

“I’ll be real with you,” Kelly continued, quieting his voice just so. “I didn’t even realize those motherfuckers could move more than one space at a time. Say what you want about checkers, but you don’t gotta learn six different character movesets to play that shit. That’s called accessibility. Maybe we should talk to the prick who invented chess and give that dude some notes.”

Kelly went on to offer a play-by-play of the match that ensued, confirming that he was shocked and bewildered by many basic aspects of beginner chess play. 

“I gotta say, even after that fucked-up bishop blunder, I really thought I had my buddy’s back against the wall,” said Kelly, who mumbled various scenarios under his breath before each move, but failed to predict even once what would actually happen. “Then she pulled this jiu-jitsu shit where her rook and her king swapped places??? What in God’s name was that? Flipped the whole game upside down, bro.”

Kelly’s opponent, Abby Prabhakar, noted that the match was slowed down considerably by Kelly’s specious objections to the rules.

“He kept saying ‘aw damn, you can do that?’ after pretty much every move I made,” Prabhakar shared while counting her winnings after five consecutive victories. “And he kept getting, like, irrationally angry at the knight? Which he kept calling ‘the sneaky horse asshole?’ I don’t deny that the knight is a crafty bastard, but that’s just not a productive way to channel your energy. I gotta start playing with people who actually know the rules to Chess.”

At press time, Kelly spat his drink out when Prabhakar’s pawn travelled to the eighth rank and was promoted to queen.

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Confused LARPer Unsure Why Everyone Here Is Same Class and Race

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

PARIS, Texas — Local payroll advisor and fantasy enthusiast Richard Corben found himself confused this past weekend when he noticed every other attendee at his biweekly LARP seemed to all share the same race and class.

“At first I was uncertain that I was at the correct place. Kingdom of Myfarog usually rotates campgrounds every few months,” explained Corben over loud chants. “But I mean, the organizers Duke and Virgil are here, so I must be at the right spot. Could’ve sworn they were druids, but they keep calling each other ‘wizard’ and ‘dragon’? I don’t know.”

Corben found the weekend’s events dry and repetitive compared to the typical fare.

“We’ve spent nearly the whole time so far listening to mission objectives. I couldn’t even get a spell in edgewise. I guess they’re launching a new narrative about these antagonists called the Zionists? I’m still not too sure about it. Frankly, it seems a little derivative,” said the Level 6 ranger with a PhD in accounting. “Not to mention everyone’s changed up their class to some weird version of a sorcerer. Don’t they realize how stale and boring that’s going to be? Like c’mon guys, not everyone gets to be a ghost with a fire staff.”

He also noted that the participants seemed more emphatic than usual about their roles.

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but these guys seem to think they’re really doing this stuff. I mean, like, really doing it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to immerse yourself and swing some boffers after the work week,” said Corben from the parking lot. “But these guys are acting like what they’re doing and saying really matters in any significant way, and aren’t just a bunch of guys yelling in a field. It’s kind of funny.” 

In the end, Corben decided to reassess his most cherished hobby as a result of his experience, claiming that the magic had worn off.

“Besides, I’ve been going to this new game every other weekend,” he added. “It’s this cool dystopian, holy war style thing. They call it ‘Proud Boys,’ but I think that’s just a tentative title.”

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9-Year-Old Can’t Wait to Find Out What Fucked Up Shit Is in Game Rated E10+

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Local 9-year-old Simon Fisher is reportedly going out of his fucking mind right now imagining all the fucked up shit that must happen in the E10+ rated game Crash Bandicoot 4: It’s About Time.

“The minute I turn 10, I’m throwing that goddamn cartridge in my Switch and strapping in for the ride of my double-digit life,” Fisher said as he paced back and forth, hyperventilating at the thought of the game. “If I see Crash bop a little tiki guy on the head I’m going to fucking lose it, I swear to God.”

The E10+ rating, introduced by the ESRB in 2005, has long been seen as the last line of defense between the innocence of childhood and the absolute anarchy of Comic Mischief.

“We at the ESRB believe in giving parents the tools they need to make sure their kids are playing the games that are right for them,” ESRB Spokeswoman Juliet Perry said when asked for comment. “While we’d all love to drag those sick game developer freaks into the streets and hang them for crimes against humanity, our ratings are merely guidelines to help the consumer.”

Fisher remains absolutely fucking stoked to play Crash 4 next month after his birthday party at Laser Quest.

“My years playing games rated E for Everyone have taught me so many valuable life lessons, but there comes a time in every child’s life where he must put away childish things. The simplistic, black-and-white morality tales of Sackboy: A Big Adventure and LEGO The Incredibles don’t hold up in a world full of badass Alcohol References and Animated Blood.”

At press time, Fisher was staring wide-eyed at a copy of Super Mario 64 rated “Kids to Adults” trying to imagine what universal truths the game might hold.

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Man Cryogenically Frozen in 2013 Probably Regretting Gangnam Style Pose

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ORLANDO, Fla. — Since being frozen at the Florida Cryonics Institute in 2013, local man Aaron Westfall has most likely come to regret his decision to dress in a baby blue tuxedo and perform the “Gangnam Style” dance by Korean pop star Psy.

Chief Cryonics Engineer Daniel Morrow explained that it’s common for subjects to incorporate pop culture touchstones, and that it usually leads to instantly dated and cringe-worthy results. 

“I try to convince them, but they just never learn,” Morrow said. “We have our fair share of Borats, KONY 2012 shirts, and plankers. They’re the future’s problem now, but I doubt anyone from the future will see them and decide to unfreeze them. I certainly wouldn’t.”

Westfall’s family members were critical of his controversial choice.

“I have come to accept his decision to be cryogenically frozen, because he wants to advance science and see the future, but Gangnam Style? Come on,” said his mother Lucy Westfall. “He was frozen in November 2013. That song was already on the downswing.”

Despite studying cryogenics for most of his life, even Daniel Morrow admitted to some recent doubts about the process.

“Cryogenic freezing used to be a scientific endeavor for the benefit of mankind,” Morrow said, “but when I walk around this place, I’m not so sure anymore. Maybe it just serves as a time capsule of mankind’s worst failures, like Grumpy Cat or eating Tide Pods.”

Westfall could not be reached for official comment, except for a plaque on his cryo tube, which displays what may be his final words: “HEYY! SEXY LADY!”

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