Blatant Rip-Off Described as ‘Love Letter’

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Indie game Vetroid Mania hit shelves this week, taking the gaming world by storm. The game centers around the fearsome bounty hunter Seamus Oran, who traverses a dangerous alien world backtracking and picking up new items to defeat the sinister Mother Brian. 

While some are saying the game is a ripoff of the Metroid series, critics are calling it a passionate love letter to the series.

“I’ve always had a ton of respect and love for the Metroid series, and this game is meant to be a testament to everything the game does well by doing it slightly worse,” explained lead Vetroid Mania designer Michael Andrews. “I would just like to say that I love the Metroid games and have played every single one of them, unless you’re accusing me of ripping them off, which I couldn’t have done because I’ve never even played a single one before. Sure, I’ll admit it has some Metroid-like elements, like the title, story, art style, gameplay, music, and controls, but it’s a completely different thing. I added a grapple hook to it — that’s inspired by Spider-Man.”

Despite some plagiarism claims, critics have taken a shine to the indie title.

“More games should just be hollow shells of good games — that’s what the games industry needs,” said IGN Reviewer Simon Fink. “This game has every element of a game I already like, and I thought that was a brave, groundbreaking choice. It could be considered a rip-off until you consider Metroid games a genre, then it’s just an elevated retro throwback that’s a must-play for all Metroid fans”

“It’s not like Nintendo is exactly pumping out Metroid games anyway, so fuck it, might as well make some slightly worse ones,” Fink added. “I don’t see people up in arms every time some indie developer announces they’re making Mother 4.”

At press time, the studio behind the indie game announced their newest title that they described as ‘like Halo but with vehicles.’

Gamer Afraid to Use Epipen In Case He Needs It Later

Posted on by Camden Brazile

FRESNO, Calif. — Local gamer John Manson was hospitalized after an allergic reaction to shellfish at a Red Lobster Monday night; according to witnesses, Manson refused to use his prescribed Ephedrine Pen out of fear that he may need the item for battles in the future. 

“Come on, we’ve all been there. I use the Epi-Pen now and then, boom — I have to face off against some even bigger shellfish later,” Mason said. “I unlocked the Epi-Pen at age seven, when I first went into anaphylactic shock, but I have never used it. I’m only twenty, and this could be crucial to getting myself out of a jam in my sixties or seventies. I need to train myself to get past the first few waves of shellfish without it, anyway.  Also, if I blew through all my Ephedrine then, with the healthcare system right now, who knows when I’ll be able to get a restock. It’s a rare item!”

Saint Bernadette’s Chief of Medicine Doctor Richard Hemming weighed in on the situation.

“With his insurance, Mr. Manson can only afford about one or two more trips to the emergency room, so he better save his last one for when he really needs it,” Dr. Hemming explained. “He wasted one on being born about two decades ago, so now he really only has one final one left. If you get to the end of life but relied on all those crutches like medicine and hospitals, it doesn’t really count in my book. Only the real hardcore people do no-heal runs. And that’s the life I subscribe to, as a doctor.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing Manson back at Red Lobster attempting to exploit the invincibility frames granted by his Epi-Pen to rush through two full courses of shellfish.

Forgotten Adobe Subscription Ruins Year’s Worth of Financial Planning

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local freelance graphic designer Amanda Norman was forced to sell all of her belongings and move back in with her parents after forgetting to cancel her Adobe Creative Cloud subscription before it auto-renewed.

“As a freelancer, I’m essentially living gig to gig, so I managed to find a cheaper program, but forgot to cancel my Adobe subscription,” said Norman, after selling her couch on eBay. “Next thing I know I’m out $600 and can’t make rent. I thought I was doing a good job managing money! Hell, I even bought a paper planner, like some hipster. Thankfully I can stay with my parents, but I might need to start selling some organs if I want to cover my student loans. Oh well, at least I don’t have to keep using Gimp for the next year.”

Norman is one of many clients of financial planner Bob Foster, who specializes in helping freelancers screwed over by Adobe. 

“I see cases like Amanda’s all the time. Did you know that every ten minutes, at least 80 gig workers are financially crippled by wanting to edit their video with a feature that only works in Premiere?” said Foster. “My job is to help these folks back on their feet. Subscriptions that you know about are bad enough, but a forgotten one? They can be a real kick in the independently-contracted balls. Yeah, I don’t do it for free, and I’m not inexpensive, but I’m not ‘$33 a month just for fucking photoshop’ expensive. And you don’t even need to beg a college kid for their email to get a discount for my services.”

Adobe spokesperson Greg Benson reaffirmed that the company was not responsible for their customer’s financial woes.

“It’s all there in the terms of use, right under the ‘charge you on a random day of the month’ clause,” Benson explained. “Adobe is not responsible for monetary problems caused by recurring payments. That’s corporate speak for ‘quit whining and enjoy your extra month of InDesign.’ Besides, any good freelancer knows that you should be willing to pay at least $300 monthly for the programs necessary to make a living. You could also register as an LLC, like a bitch.”

“And if you wanna cancel, you’re welcome to at any time,” Benson added. “I get it. Our programs are expensive. Good fucking luck using literally anything else, though, fuckface. You’re already addicted to our AI erasing all your backgrounds and shit.”

At press time, Adobe announced that it will randomly bill customers twice in one month “just for fun.”

Hitman Guard Not Sure Why Everybody Is Making Annoying Choking Noises on the Comms Today

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

PARIS — Sources have confirmed that Jean Moreau, head of the security team working the Sanguine fashion show in Paris, had become confused and annoyed by his squadmates polluting their shared communication channel with a series of agonized chokes and gasps.

“I knew this was amateur hour when I found the local rent-a-cops taking naps on the job in locked wardrobes with traumatic bruising to their heads and necks,” Moreau said, speaking at a volume loud enough for a nearby eavesdropper to overhear. “And now they’re doing the old ‘cough and scream into your earpiece’ gag? I can barely focus on standing outside this supply closet with my hands folded under these conditions. Clearly someone’s getting a real kick out of themselves, because I keep hearing it like every five minutes.”

Other members of the recently understaffed security team offered their own complaints about the noise.

“First it was Benoit, the basement access guy, then it was François, the maintenance stairs access guy, and now it just won’t stop,” added Daniel Pinter, the member of the team who has lasted the longest on the job. “‘Hack cough hack’ this, ‘Please no I have a family’ that. ‘Chatty guards are the contract killer’s workshop,’ that’s what I—hrk—gllk—wheeze…”

Some jaded senior members of the security detail were less concerned, citing obnoxious gasps and wheezes as typical guard behavior.

“Work the perimeter long enough and you get used to suddenly suffocating and passing out,” said Jacques Rosso, one of the team members who gets to wear a dinner jacket instead of a guard uniform. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve passed over into blackness with a phantom weight around my neck and woke up to learn my boss had mysteriously died. Just one of those things civilians don’t—nngh—see, you get used to—augh…”

At press time, Moreau had been distracted from the annoying sounds on the guards’ radio by a strange noise off in the distance at the end of a long secluded hallway.

Pokémon GO Player and Bird Watcher Silently Pity Each Other in Park

Posted on by Collin Preciado

ST. LOUIS — Bird watcher Daniel Allen and avid Pokémon GO player Jonathan Meyer could be seen silently pitying one another from a distance in Forest Park today.

“That guy over there is so sad,” said Allen, almost word-for-word matching a simultaneous inner monologue being directed back at him by Meyer. “That sorry schmuck is here in this big beautiful park full of diverse avian wildlife and his face is buried in his phone. I bet he doesn’t even know there was a rose-breasted grosbeak just a few feet away in the tree above him.”

“It’s so sad about that poor bird-obsessed freak,” Meyer thought to himself at the exact same time. “There are a dozen Pokémon gyms in this park and this guy is too busy counting all the birds flying around. There was a Mewtwo with Sunglasses right next to him and I bet he has no fucking clue what he was missing.”

Experts warn that although Pokémon GO and birdwatching have both seen a record increase in participants as people are looking for more and more activities to engage in outside during the ongoing pandemic, neither one is actually healthy for your lifestyle long-term.

“These are deeply disturbed individuals,” says clinical psychologist Tracy Anderle who has written multiple books on both birdwatchers and Pokémon GO players. “We’ve conducted extensive studies on both of these groups and there is one thing that they all have in common: they are all manic-obsessive, a personality trait shared by serial killers. If you see anyone engaging in this behavior you need to call the police immediately or you will die.”

At press time, the National Audubon Society has announced a partnership with Niantic to release a special version of Pokémon GO that just has normal birds.

King Solomon Solves SONY/Marvel Spider-Man Dispute By Offering to Cut Tom Holland in Half

Posted on by Camden Brazile

JERUSALEM — Biblical icon King Solomon has offered to rectify a dispute between SONY and Marvel by offering to cut Spider-Man star Tom Holland in half and dividing him amongst the companies equally.

“I will solve this dispute once and for all,” Solomon said, sharpening a blade at the red carpet premiere for Spider-Man: No Way Home. “Since neither corporation can determine who is the rightful owner of this child, I shall grant one end to each company. Furthermore, whoever receives the top half also has to take Andrew Garfield. That’s only fair. ”

A distraught Tom Holland gave his side of the dispute to reporters at the premiere.

“There’s nothing in my contract that prevents this, so I really hope they figure this out soon,” Holland said. I don’t want to be Spider-Man forever, but I would like to remain with my legs attached to my body for at least five more years. Please! It’s going to be so hard to explain in-universe why Peter Parker is now just a torso! Especially for SONY, God did you see those movies?”

Marvel Spokesperson Avi Arad announced that the company has no intentions of splitting Tom Holland in two.

“After much consideration, Marvel has decided it would be best to keep Mr. Holland alive,” Arad said. “We don’t understand why SONY would try to steal our child like this, but we couldn’t have a Biblical ruler cut him up with a sword. Not for any ethical reason, but it’s just bad business to not chop people in half, and how badly do we need this guy? We can make a few hundred million bucks with a talking tree for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, SONY had yet to reject this deal, with a spokesman only requesting that if he be cut in half, they receive “the half with his face.”

‘Alien’ Porn Parody Posits That in Space Nobody Can Hear You Cream

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SAN FRANCISCO — Porn studio FilmFuck has produced a parody film taking inspiration from Ridley Scott’s horror classic Alien entitled ‘Alien ResERECTION,’ which posits the frightening notion that “in space, nobody can hear you cream.”

According to those familiar with the situation, ‘Alien ResERECTION’ follows a female scientist trapped in outer space with an evolving, ravenous alien, who craves sex as much as human blood. The film has been praised for its accuracy and detail, as well as sexiness.

“Alien has always been a huge influence for my work,” said ‘Alien ResERECTION’ director Vick French. “I remember watching the chilling science fiction triumph in theaters, on the edge of my seat the entire time. Except I couldn’t help but think, ‘why doesn’t Sigourney Weaver simply have sexual congress with the Xenomorph?’ In the vein of recent Hollywood remakes, I thought I would try my hand at realizing my rendition of an Alien film where sex was the sole motivation for the entire three minute runtime. Surely the original had some sexual undertones, but let’s make those overtones. And let’s jerk off to those.”

“I guess instead of being on the edge of my seat,” French added, “I want to be edging on my seat. And that’s how I approached making this film.”

Despite it’s unique genre, the film has earned accolades from die hard fans of the Alien movies.

“It actually avoids a lot of the problems an Alien movie usually has,” said ‘Alien’ fan Mark Shiffrin. “The ending makes sense, the score is fine, and there were no hanging plotlines. I really liked what they did with the main woman character, Ripass. My only criticism is that I really needed to engage the whole time, in fact I could only have one free hand during the entire movie.” 

“Also, for what it’s worth, I could definitely hear the actors creaming,” Shiffrin continued. “So I guess that tagline wasn’t totally accurate. It was pretty loud.”

The porn film features three minutes of nothing but graphic, poorly-edited sex, which has earned the movie its spot below Alien and Aliens in most rankings, but above every single other Alien movie.

New Buddhism Update Allows Items and Upgrades to Carry Into Next Life

Posted on by Gabe Porter

BEIJING — A new Buddhist doctrine confirms that your earthly possessions and skills will now carry into your new life after death, enlightened sources confirm.

“This update adds a new option for your reincarnation,” Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama said. “It is entitled ‘Nirvana Game Plus’ and will allow your possessions to come with your spirit into your next life. However, there are requirements for this to take effect. So no killing yourself or anything like that. In order for it to take effect, you must have at least 50 points in your Good Karma bar, as well as having fully upgraded your Meditation and Buddhist Chant skills.”

Buddhists across the globe have become more invested in leading a good life in order to reap the benefits.

“I never thought of myself as someone who cared about belongings,” longtime Buddhist Dayi Huike said. “But now knowing that I can keep all my cars and my beach house, I’m starting to enjoy this whole owning property thing. I’ve always thought of myself as a cool guy, so I’m sure my karma is fine. All I gotta do is keep grinding my prayers and hopefully, once I enter the great beyond I can keep my PS5.”

Even those who do not practice the religion are getting excited about this update.

“I was raised as a Christian, I raised my children as Christian, and I volunteer weekly at my church,” Doug Gracy said. “But fuck that — I want to keep my shit! How do I know that Heaven isn’t gonna be some bullshit where I have to basically start all over, but with a new skin or whatever. So I’ve decided to abandon everything in my life and become a Buddhist. Stacy, if you’re reading this, you can keep the kids but I get everything else.”

At press time, the Dalai Lama further added that there will be no more updates to Buddhism, but then tweeted just the number “2” on his Twitter account, leading excited fans of the religion to speculate on a potential sequel.

Glowing Anime Recommendation Only 70% Caveats

Posted on by Robin Brooks

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local anime fan Darren Jeffries strongly recommended the recent series Danjonmonsutā: I Love Crushing Dungeon Monsters to his friends, including only roughly seventy percent caveats and excuses for the problems that plague the majority of seasonal anime.

Jeffries first praised the show for its inventive premise, which took only the first two episodes of exposition to become even slightly cogent to the average viewer. 

“They have some charts and text on the ad bumpers that help clear it up,” said Jeffries, “and they end up changing the whole direction of the plot later on, so you don’t need to worry about it too much.”

Jeffries went on to discuss the sharp character writing, which makes excellent use of a likable cast of nebulously aged girls in outlandishly sexualized attire. 

“The bits with Naru-chan in the torn swimsuit and handcuffs aren’t very long,” he assured, “and they’re sandwiched between some truly beautiful scenes about the nature of loneliness and what it really means to connect to other people.”

Between heaping compliments on the show’s distinct visual style and breathtaking shot composition, Jeffries only had to stop briefly to address the concerning stories of the show’s director posting unhinged, antisemitic rants on social media. 

“I mean, he’s just one guy, and a lot of other people worked hard on the show that don’t share any of his views on the Jewish people, and only some of his views on the problems with homosexuality,” said Jeffries, before quickly changing subjects.

While he admitted the show ran out of budget for the animation sequences about halfway through, Jeffries insisted it was “not all that noticeable.”

“It actually lets them get more abstract and creative, since they don’t get distracted making it look or sound good,” he said of the final and most important scenes in the twelve episode series. “I heard they might do an OVA later that redoes the last two episodes, but puts in all the visuals and story they wanted to do originally.”

At press time, Jeffries was gushing about the series’ opening theme and title sequence, noting that “the bubbles flying by cover all of their important bits, so it’s not that bad.”

Team Rocket Mortified as Teleporter Pad Fuses Child With Butterfree

Posted on by Naomi Krause

SAFFRON CITY, Kanto — Members of notorious crime syndicate Team Rocket were horrified to discover that a small child who stumbled into their headquarters accidentally stepped onto an experimental teleportation device and had her DNA scrambled with that of a Butterfree.

“When you install random teleportation pads everywhere, the last thing you imagine is an accident happening,” said Rocket organization leader Giovanni in a press release. “I mean, this building isn’t even really ours. Silph Co. are the morons who didn’t put child safety locks anywhere. We at Team Rocket guarantee that our weird ass floor tiles are only implemented in strictly 18+ locations like Casinos and that strip club up the stairs in the Celadon hotel.” 

When asked for assistance, Bill, the only expert in the field of accidental human/Pokémon hybrids, was unable to help.

“You know, normally I have a machine that could fix this poor bastard right up. Thing is, she flew away and started blowing sleep powder out of her ass before anyone could grab her,” said Bill, who has reportedly had the same DNA accident “dozens” of times. “Those Rocket guys are awful at catching Pokémon, huh?”

Unfortunately, Bill was pessimistic about the kid’s chances of survival.

“Yeah, I don’t see that abomination lasting very long in the tall grass,” he said. “Anyways, it’s probably for the best. At this point anything that’s left of a human brain inside of that flesh prison can feel only hunger.”

If a civilian sees a child matching this description, their mother has requested that they please, for the love of god, do not try to help her. The child is beyond saving.

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