Nintendo Places New Employees in Tutorial Office So They Can Train Before Entering Real Headquarters

KYOTO, Japan — Newly hired employees at Nintendo reported that they have been placed in a tutorial office so that they can “train and prepare themselves” before entering the actual headquarters.

“I was just hoping to maybe go to an orientation or take a picture for my ID badge and sign some documents, but now this talking racoon is telling me I need to collect five slime eyeballs for him before he will talk to me further,” said new hire Jane Ryu as she tried desperately to fashion a sword from a broken up piece of an old desk. “I don’t even have time to think of the ethical ramifications of Nintendo creating a talking, seemingly sentient anthropomorphic raccoon and trapping it in this office purgatory — I just want to make it to my floor and clock in.”

Nintendo claimed the tutorial office is a vital part of its corporate culture, and that at this time there are no plans to do away with the practice.

“We currently offer no option to skip the tutorial, despite many requests,” said a spokesperson for the company. “The last thing we need are people jumping around the office aimlessly trying to figure out how things work. Before the tutorial, we once had a woman spend a whole afternoon trying to figure out the printer. Can you believe that? This way is much better.”

Not all employees advanced easily from the tutorial office. Some have gone feral, including office manager Carl Sloan, who remained trapped in the office several hours after closing time.

“I can’t figure out who to talk to to move on. Did I miss something?” said Sloan in a tattered suit smeared with dirt, his face covered in war paint fashioned from printer ink. “I collected all the acorns and got the gold key but have been here all morning and still can’t get out. The racoon hasn’t been any help either, he just keeps taking my hard earned slime eyeballs and quite frankly I’m not sure what he has done to deserve them.” 

At press time, Nintendo had sent in a rescue team to try and help Sloan out of the tutorial office but the team wound up stuck themselves and could no longer be reached for comment.

Microsoft Confirms Halo TV Series Isn’t Canon If You Think It Sucks

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft has confirmed that the Paramount Plus streaming series Halo is not canon to the established plotline of the video games if people think the show totally sucks.

“If you guys do end up liking it, we’re so excited for people to see the TV series expand on the Halo universe,” said Phil Spencer, CEO of Microsoft Gaming. “But rest assured, if you guys do end up thinking that it’s totally unwatchable dogshit, it will not be canon to the events of the Halo series and we can just silently agree to pretend it never even happened.”

Feedback to the series has been divisive among diehard fans of the Halo video games.

“I was honestly excited for the show. I’ve been playing these games since 2001, and always thought they could be made into a pretty good movie or something,” remarked dedicated Xbox fan Foster Thompson. “But after buying a Paramount Plus subscription just to watch the show and then getting to see how bad it is, it’s a relief to know that the events taking place in it don’t matter to the story of Master Chief or the Halo franchise at large, which I have also hated since 2012.”

Reception hasn’t been entirely negative, as some fans have praised the series’ bold new direction and look forward to releases of new episodes each and every week.

“The Halo TV series does not disappoint, and it’s awesome that Master Chief finally gets to fuck,” said getgood343, a moderator of r/halo. “Despite Microsoft’s comments, the events of the show are apparently now my own personal headcanon and do in fact exist to flesh out the games’ story. You can never take that away from me!”

At press time, Microsoft and Paramount had just announced a new Gears of War TV series, which they confirmed will be “actually a comedy” if people make fun of it.

Guy in Instagram Comments Can’t Figure Out Why No One Cares That He Is Giving Away $5,710 to 7 Random People

NEW YORK — Local Instagram commenter Braxton Bates can’t figure out why no one seems to care that he is giving away thousands of dollars to seven random people, according to confused sources.

“I just don’t get it. I was trying to do a nice thing and give away some money for free and no one seems to care at all. I’m talking literally zero responses. What the hell is going on? I literally can’t give away this money to seven random people!” Bates exclaimed. “I thought this was a lot of money — maybe I didn’t make it clear enough that I was giving away the whole thing to each person? Maybe they think it’s going to involve using one weird trick? I’m blown away. This is the last time I try to do something nice!”

“It fucked with my self esteem for a bit, to be honest. I was worried that people didn’t want to engage with me because they don’t like me,” Bates continued. “But I tried saying that it was my friend who helped me get the money as a sort of buffer. Still absolutely zero responses — now I’ve roped up my friend Dennis in this nonsense and I’m worried people hate us both.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Bates was despondent after being unable to share his wealth.

“Braxton has always been like this. He loves giving away odd amounts of money to several random people,” said Bates’ longtime mother Emily McIntosh. “I remember he was sent home from school in second grade for trying to give away 15.8 pieces of chewing gum to nine other kids. The teachers thought it was some kind of scam, but no. Little Braxton just loves to give! But I guess people just don’t like to accept gifts these days and it eats my sweet Braxton up inside. I hold him to just hold onto his money. Maybe there’s a way he could put it to better use. But no, I think he’s going to keep trying to give away odd amounts of it to odd amounts of people. Godspeed.”

At press time, Bates lit up after getting a DM on Instagram, but was dismayed to see it was Instagram shutting down his account for spammy behavior.

Activision Blizzard Reports Most Profitable Quarter Ever for Legal Team

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — During a monthly financial meeting, Activision Blizzard announced that its legal team had posted its most profitable quarter yet.

“We’re proud of the work our team has done over the past quarter. And by team, I of course mean our legal team. Those guys are crushing it,” said Activision Blizzard’s Chief Financial Officer Armin Zerza. “Not only have we been able to continue producing quality content with our classic catalog of workplace toxicity and abusive management tactics, we’ve also been able to innovate and enter new frontiers of company atrocities.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the company is looking to invest more in the legal department following the good news.

“These days it’s a content game and the Activision Blizzard team has done a terrific job of pumping out weekly, and sometimes even daily, content for fans,” explained Chief Legal Officer Grant Dixton. “With the transition to a live service model, we have been able to provide a constant stream of publicity nightmares and legal issues. Hell, we’ve already had four acts of racism and six sexual harassment lawsuits happen since the beginning of this call!”

Executives at the company also reportedly commented on new ventures.

“We’re excited to be partnering with some really great people to bring fans the top-tier material they yearn for. I think everyone is going to love our next project and we’re teaming up with the state of New York for it,” Dixton added, popping the cork out of a champagne bottle. “The future is extremely dark for this company.”

When reached to comment more about the situation, Activision Blizzard executives smiling and said that all other announcements were under intense NDAs.

New Punisher Comic Features Him Standing Around Outside of Shooting for 40 Minutes Before Acting

NEW YORK — An upcoming one-off issue of The Punisher features the fearless vigilante poking around outside of an active shootout for nearly an hour before doing anything, disappointed fans of the character have confirmed. 

“Wow, that’s not really what I picture a total badass like The Punisher would do,” said Stu Kinder, a long time fan of the series. “I mean with the skull imagery and all of the weapons and threats all the time, I guess you just assume he’s gonna run right in there when the shit hits the fan. But maybe sometimes The Punisher finds some chickenshit reasons to poke around outside while a shooter is audibly active. This wasn’t a very good issue and I really hope people stop giving Marvel so much money.” 

The issue, which debuted to harsh reviews earlier this week, features Frank Castle, also known as The Punisher in pursuit of a violent street gang that’s running wild in New York City.

“The issue started off fine, but the end was bullshit,” said Anna Barksdale, another disappointed reader. “The Punisher trailed this gang as they were going into a rival gang leader’s house to ambush them, and then when everyone started firing, he just stood around outside of the house and yelled at anyone that walked by and looked at him. It’s like, uh, aren’t you the fucking tough guy with all of the weapons?” 

Even the creator of The Punisher objected to portrayal of his character. 

“Yeah, that’s not what The Punisher is about at all,” said Gerry Conway, longtime writer for Marvel and DC Comics. “What always separated The Punisher from the rest of his peers, in addition to his lack of superpowers, was the fact that he, you know, shoots everybody. That’s like his whole thing. That’s why he doesn’t have a bunch of villains like Batman or Spider-Man. Because he just shoots them all. He doesn’t stand around playing grab-ass while the shots are being fired, I assure you.” 

Facing heavy criticism, Marvel defended their decision to give The Punisher half of their production budget, despite other titles lacking proper funding.

TellTale Fan Delighted to Learn Real-Life Actions Have Consequences

TAMPA, Fla. — TellTale Games superfan Michael Harvery received some good news today, that much like his favorite series of video games, his real-life actions have consequences.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Harvery said. “I was mean in a conversation with my girlfriend, and sure enough a week later she remembered my choice of dialogue and brought it up to me. It’s interesting to see all the different paths ahead of me and know that what I do will have some bearing on my future. I’m exhilarated any time I watch the faces of my friends and coworkers change and scowl whenever I’m rude or make fun of them. Although I’m hoping nothing in this character arc comes back to hurt me later.”

Harvery’s friends and family have taken issue with his new style of interaction.

“Any time he speaks of one of us he pauses in ten seconds of silent contemplation before suddenly coming alive with a very specific emotional answer,” Harvery’s sister Amelia said. “I can see him thinking over the various options in his head, and then choosing the needlessly callous, rude reply out of his choices. Michael seems amazed when I just remember something he said or take issue with him attacking me. I’m really worried about how far he’s going to take this. It’s like he’s surprised that doing something has a real world effect.”

At press time, Harvery was overjoyed to see homicide detectives at his doorstep after choosing not to save a close friend who was in peril.

Dragon-Type Trainer’s Entire Personality Being Dragon-Type Trainer

RUSTBORO CITY – Citing the world-renowned Dragon-type trainer and Pokémon League Champion Lance as his primary inspiration, local trainer Branton Altieri has decided to exclusively train Dragon-types, becoming the latest in a wave of young trainers opting to make that the crux of their personality.

“Branton used to be chill, but now all he wants to talk about is his purebred Gible and its IVs, EVs, egg moves, potential for growth, advantageous matchups, and so on,” said fellow Rustboro trainer Frederica Marly, visibly cringing as she explained how Branton now wants to go by the title “Dragon Tamer Altieri.” “He even dyed his hair purple and had a cape custom ordered so he could fit in with the other Dragon Tamers. I don’t want to be the one to break it to him, but a Garchomp isn’t a replacement for a personality.”

“I’ve been late to work twice this week because he’s holed up in the bathroom for hours every morning spiking up his hair with hair gel,” said his roommate Ritesh Yamada, bemoaning how often he hears Altieri practicing what he’s going to say about the “might and majesty of the mythical Dragon-type Pokémon” to trainers unfortunate enough to make eye contact. “I can’t go out to bars with him anymore because he’s always wearing that stupid cape and just won’t stop offering to teach strangers Draco Meteor. Like, dude, your Pokémon don’t even know that move. You just read about it online.”

Many veterans in the community have expressed similar negative sentiments about wannabe Dragon specialists. 

“They’re kind of giving us a bad rap,” said Champion Iris of Unova, admitting that she’s considering branching out into training a variety of other types to avoid being associated with the new influx of rookie Dragon fans. “I mean, I get it. My Hydreigon is an absurdly powerful three-headed goth dragon straight out of ancient mythology. She’s cool as hell. At the end of the day though, she’s my partner and I don’t think I’m better than other trainers because of it.” She continued: “I went to a Dragon Tamer convention one time before I knew about their whole deal and when I tell you it smelled crazy in there…those tailored jumpsuits are simply not breathable.”

At press time, Dragon Tamer Altieri announced his intention to pivot entirely to raising Fairy-type Pokémon after reading on Twitter that Dragon-types “low key fell off.”

Astronomers Locate Distant Galaxy Where They’re Just Now Getting Mad at Sopranos Ending

WASHINGTON — A team of astronomers have published a new report detailing their recent discovery of a galaxy thousands of lightyears away populated by hyper intelligent trans-dimensional aliens who are just now getting angry and upset at the divisive finale of The Sopranos.

“It is truly difficult to have to watch a highly evolved intergalactic society collapse and know you cannot save them from countless years of theorizing and annoying online messages to come,” Lead astronomist Clark Grant stated. “Did Tony die? Did he live? These are the questions that shall forever plague whatever their weird alien equivalent of Reddit is. If only we could have warned them about how anti-climatic and unsatisfying the finale was, maybe we could have saved them from all of this…My heart trembles for the day when they get wind of the Game of Thrones finale, may their alien God have mercy on them all.”

The team detailed how they discovered this galactic society and their distinctly Sopranos-inspired turmoil.

“We noticed a large, consistent signal coming from a remote and distant galaxy,” astronomer Lindsay Byrant said. “It turns out we had discovered postings from a viral galactic message board where millions of distraught otherworldly voices had joined together to shit on the show’s ending. Of course, there were apologists, but from what we can gather from the records we’ve found, many were promptly hung in accordance with their civilization’s laws.”

Series creator David Chase feels conflicted with his now intergalactic audience.

“You mean to tell me even alien civilizations don’t get the ending?” Chase said while replying to his tenth hate email of the day at 9 a.m. “I’m disappointed that no one gets the ending, I thought it had made it abundantly clear he had died, or at least that it’s ambiguous on purpose, but I guess I gave too many people too much credit. I often lay up at night and stare out the window, wondering if there exists a society out there advanced enough to actually get what I was going for…I guess we’ll just have to keep searching.”

At press time, the team of astronomers had decided to try and send out warning signals out into the universe warning any other intelligent life forms that The Many Saints of Newark is pretty disappointing.

Gamestop to Start Selling Previously Funged Tokens

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has announced that they will enter the increasingly competitive world of cryptocurrency and blockchain by being the first major corporation to offer previously funged tokens. 

“This is exactly what we need to do to stay relevant,” said GameStop CEO Matt Furlong. “We’ve had a lot of meetings and discussed things we could do as our whole selling-people-physical-video-games thing is drying up. Lot of guys thought we should start selling CBD oil. I suggested we become laundromats. But eventually, we were won over by a snazzy presentation about something I’m realizing now that I don’t fully understand, but damn, it sounded really great at the time!” 

The new Previously Funged Tokens Program, available exclusively at GameStop, will let you buy, sell, and trade-in gently Funged tokens. 

“These things have been a little funged, but they’ll still work, no problem,” Tara Woodson, a local GameStop employee. “We guarantee all of our tokens, so they’ll still, you know, sit there and look like they look, and rapidly depreciate in value, everything you would get out of a brand new NFT, it’s just these are available for less than market value, and you know, only funged a little bit.” 

The program is expected to be unveiled widely next week, following a test market in California that drew mixed reactions from customers. 

“Fucking place is a god damned fucking rip off,” said Tonight Show host and vocal NFT backer Jimmy Fallon, shortly after leaving a GameStop location in Burbank. “I traded in that monkey picture I was bragging about on TV a few months ago, and these assholes said they’d either give me 3 dollars, an NFT of a roller skate, or a copy of Battlefield 3 for the XBox 360. Hopefully this little picture of a roller skate skyrockets in value and I can still make some money on this deal.” 

As of press time, Elon Musk was reportedly in talks to purchase GameStop and name it something funny. 

Elden Ring Is Easy, Actually

I am an unskilled gamer. My timing is bad. I button mash. I don’t have the patience to learn an enemy’s moves. I’m more likely to give up on a hard game than to finish it. And when I first started Elden Ring, I thought it was a hard game. I even wrote an article about it for esteemed satire site Hard Drive. 

But it turns out I was wrong. After playing Elden Ring on and off for a few months—and getting no more skilled in the process—I have now beaten the game. It was easy. And if it was easy for me, it can be easy for almost anyone. I’ll tell you how.

You can look everything up. 

That’s right. Stumped by a boss? Look it up. Confused by a puzzle? Look it up. Not sure what to do next in Elden Ring’s massive open world? Look it up. Look it up. Look it up.

Through the awesome power of looking it up, an unskilled gamer like me can craft a build that clears out the highest-level Elden Ring bosses in like, 45 seconds. In my case, all I needed was a grinding location, a special katana, some choice bell bearings, a specific summon, and a collection of talismans. Crafting this build took me across the Lands Between, through much of the main storyline, and into some dope side quests, too. I experienced this perfect game in all its glory, and it got easier and easier the whole way. Because—and I cannot stress this enough—I used the massive collection of information gathered by gaming journalists and wiki editors, available free at any time, for help at every step.

Elden Ring doesn’t need an easy mode. It’s already as easy as you want it to be.

Of course, there are scolds who think looking it up is cheating. These are people who, deep down, wish Elden Ring did have an easy mode. Because without a lower difficulty setting, there’s no objective separation between these players and anyone else playing Elden Ring—even the button mashers like me. There’s nobody for them to look down on. We are all equal in Hidetaka Miyazaki’s eyes. 

For some gamers, that’s a tough pill to swallow. They need a hierarchy. So, they resort to making up a set of rules—one that conveniently maps onto however they play the game. If they don’t use the wiki, the wiki is cheating. If they don’t use the Mimic Tear, the Mimic Tear is cheating. They are guided by the feeling that what they’re doing is more real, more vital than what other people are doing. We all feel that way sometimes. So, hey, more power to them. That’s fine. But I don’t have to care. 

Think my Rivers of Blood bleed build + maxed out Mimic Tear is cheating? Okay. Don’t care. Think using the IGN walkthrough is lazy? That’s cool. Don’t care. And because we’re playing the same game, on the same difficulty, watching the same credits when we finally triumph, I don’t have to care. Because we’re the same, you and me. Except I’m not on Reddit.

But you know what? It’s not even about that. What makes Elden Ring so easy, ultimately, has nothing to do with difficulty settings, or grinding, or i-frames, or whatever else. Elden Ring is easy because it’s a video game. And in video games, you are always improving. You are always moving forward, gaining power, vanquishing foes who once seemed untouchable. You are never truly stuck. You are never helpless. You are not living in a loop of work and sleep, grinding out runes that mostly go to the bosses, making them more powerful while you get only enough runes to stay at pretty much the same level, with the default gear, for the rest of your life. In video games, there is always a way to win. Always. Every boss is beatable, again and again and again. When was the last time you beat your boss?

Elden Ring is easy. Living is hard.

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