Villain Who Operates During the Day Easily Conquers Gotham City

Posted on by Bill Hawken

GOTHAM CITY —  To avoid having his devious plans foiled by the caped crusader known as Batman, Gotham’s newest villain has exploited the vigilante’s glaring weakness: business hours. 

“Diabolical,” said Commissioner Jim Gordon. “The Plumber showed up right at dawn. I managed to go light the bat signal, but the sun somehow prevented it from working. Batman couldn’t see it. It was The Plumber’s plan all along.”

The vigilante’s swift victory over Gotham PD earned him the moniker “The Plumber” by his new legion of henchmen.  

“I’m not even a real villain. I’m just an actual plumber from Jersey. I guess your villain names around here just describe what you look like. Seems lazy, but what do I know?” said the masked vigilante, shrugging. “I only needed a gun and an early start. Wasn’t a big deal either, since my kids get me up early anyway. Once I had the cops under control, all these henchmen began showing up to the station dressed like plumbers for whatever reason, wanting to join up.”

With help, it wasn’t long before The Plumber had complete control over Gotham. Batman did eventually arrive to thwart The Plumber’s hostile rise to power, but like GPD, he didn’t stand a chance.

“Oh yeah, The Batman showed up alright. Beat up a few of the fellas. But by the third guy, he stopped. The Bat was breathin’ real heavy and sweatin’ buckets. Who shows up to a fight dressed like that at two in the afternoon in the middle of July?” asked The Plumber, who remains at large. “He took off his cowl because he probably would have died otherwise.”

When asked what he would do now that he knew Batman was actually billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne, The Plumber had no answer.

“I honestly don’t know who that is,” The Plumber explained. “Like I said, I’m from New Jersey.”

‘Diablo Immortal’ Does a Terrific Job Battling for Your Precious Time on the Toilet

Posted on by Lawrence Scotti

Like seemingly every single other person on the planet at this point, I have IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. What that means in real terms is that I spend a good amount of time using the toilet against my will. That time is usually spent battling my foot falling asleep while browsing Twitter, sifting through Discord channels, and watching every TikTok the app will infinitely feed me. 

Although I’ve tried many mobile titles in the past to pass the time, nothing has specifically clicked for me beyond just a few play sessions — until now. On June 1, Blizzard Entertainment launched their new mobile game, Diablo Immortal, early to devices across the globe.

The game caught a metric ton of backlash when announced back in 2018, facing a whirlwind of hate from both the American gaming market which is still extremely skeptical of free-to-play mobile games and longtime fans of the franchise who wanted nothing less than a Diablo 4 announcement. Remember the “do you guys not have phones” fiasco? That was Diablo Immortal. Tack on that pesky Blizzard workplace scandal that has plagued the company for over a year now and it’s safe to say people weren’t exactly keen on this release.

Despite this skepticism, after spending time with Immortal, I can safely say that it is solid and successfully brings Diablo right to your phone. But, more importantly, it is a very good game to pass the time while your ass is firmly plopped on white plastic.

Immortal is essentially just Diablo 3 on your phone. The classes are exactly the same and all the spells feel just like the ones you’d find in D3. The game doesn’t really care about reinventing the Diablo wheel, and that’s why it works. It flourishes purely as a regurgitation of its predecessor, adding on some microtransactions that you’ll have to X out of. 

Diablo’s character movement was never super complicated, so adapting its controls to phones works seamlessly. Immortal also has some nice details that make it feel classier than other mobile titles. The voice acting is classic Diablo, and Deckard Cain is still there as perfect and frail as ever. At the end of the day, Blizzard’s new mobile game works perfectly for passing the time while cleaning out your colon.

Immortal has mainly served for me as a great distraction from doom-scrolling while using the bathroom, and that alone could make it a Game of the Year contender in my book. The ARPG has successfully deterred me from countless pointless and stupid Twitter threads that would only serve to take hours off my life. This game does what all mobile games should aspire to do: successfully pull the user away from glancing at Twitter for the 47th time, and Diablo’s dumbed-down combat is just engaging enough to do so.

Although, beyond general toilet use, the game will mostly seep from your memory. If you actually had a hankering for Diablo, I say that Diablo 2: Resurrected and Diablo 3 are still better options for anyone sitting in a real chair. I have still yet to open this game outside of a bathroom, and I’m not sure that I will. But, I know that when I do inevitably have to use the toilet once again, Deckard Cain and my Wizard named ‘Soapy’ will be there by my side to battle both ancient demons and ass-demons alike.

Elon Musk Pulls Out of Twitter Deal After Realizing He Hasn’t Been in Negative News Story for Whole 24 Hours

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Tech billionaire Elon Musk announced today that he is pulling out of his deal to purchase Twitter following a realization that he has not been in a negative news story for an entire day.

“Sorry to my friends and fans, but I must announce that the Twitter deal is unfortunately le epic fail,” said Musk in a series of tweets accompanied by various “soy wojak” memes. “It’s a shame to see what could have been such a based acquisition, but I just don’t like it when I’m not trending for an embarrassing reason for a whole day. It’s like an addiction, or maybe a fetish. I get off on people calling me a loser in my replies and right now I’ve got a belly full of semen. Well, sorry wokists, but you can’t kinkshame me — it’s against your pathetic rules!”

Musk went on to say that he was looking forward to the deal going through.

“I had so many plans for Twitter too, so it really is Sad Pepe to see it all fall apart like this. I would have introduced an edit button for tweets, I would finally have banned that picture of Ghislain photo-bombing me, and I would have instituted real free speech, a.k.a. letting my friends at The Babylon Bee tweet joke again,” Musk posted. “But my biggest thing would have been to remove the names and icons from all tweets and accounts, so as to honor the selfless art of anonymous meme creators.”

According to market analysts, this is the latest in a series of embarrassments from Musk in an attempt to stay in the news cycle.

“Elon got owned by that satire website, then he got into a fight with crypto people online, and then laid off a ton of Tesla employees in a cruel email. Now he’s pulling out of the Twitter deal. Who knows what embarrassing thing Musk could do next to make sure his name stays in the trending tabs of various social media sites?” explained analyst Holli Mansell. “ Our sources tell us that some of his potential plans include writing break-up poetry about Grimes, publicly trying to bribe Kevin Feige into letting him play a superhero in the MCU, and hitting on Amber Heard for trial-level attention. But knowing Elon, it could easily be far more embarrassing than any of those ideas.”

As of press time, Musk had tweeted “the narwhal bacons at midnight” fifteen times in a row, reportedly during a board meeting at Tesla.

Nintendo Announces Retirement of Old Man Who Decides Which Item the Item Box Gives You in ‘Mario Kart’

Posted on by Andy Holt

KYOTO, Japan — The elderly man who decides which power-up you get every time you hit an item box in Mario Kart will be retiring after more than 30 years on the job, Nintendo confirms.

“This morning, our esteemed colleague Ikeda Shoji let us know that he will be moving on from the company. Since the very first Mario Kart game, Ikeda has diligently selected each and every ‘random’ item, for each and every player, in each and every match,” read the official statement. “We will miss him terribly, as will the millions of players across the world who will not be able to get items in any version of Mario Kart until we can figure out how to replace him.”

Despite advances in technology, Shoji’s job remained largely the same over the decades, relying on a system of wooden levers labeled with each item.

“It’s more an art than a science. Allow me to demonstrate,” said Shoji, 92, as the printer spit out a new item request. “Okay, so this one is a young woman named Ellie Cross, from Bristol, United Kingdom. She’s playing Blue Yoshi on Mount Wario at 150cc, and it looks like she’s right behind the leader of the race, coming up on the final S-turn before the finish. Let’s give her a banana peel.”

Shoji then pulled the lever for the banana peel, setting off an elaborate rope and pulley system that sent the item down a chute and out to the player.

“This item selection will require Ellie to pass the leader based on skill alone—and perhaps catch her opponent with the banana peel as she passes. If she accomplishes this, she will receive not only a victory, but also the confidence boost that comes from winning the race without using a red shell or anything cheap like that,” Shoji explained while the next request printed. “Ellie has an audition for the school play tomorrow, and I believe the confidence would serve her well. But she has to earn it.”

When asked how long Mario Kart racers will have to go without power-up items after Shoji retires, Nintendo was noncommittal.

“We’re hoping to roll out some kind of computer-based system for selecting items within the next few years, but that’s all I can say. Rest assured we’ve put our absolute best minds on it,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “As such, we will probably have to delay Breath of the Wild 2. Sorry.”

Out-of-Touch Senator Blames Recent Gun Violence on Duke Nukem 3D

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — An out of touch member of Congress has blamed America’s recent wave of gun violence on 1996’s first person shooter, Duke Nukem 3D.

“These new three dimensional MS-DOS games are pushing today’s youth over the edge,” said United States Senator T.H. Weatherford. “And it couldn’t be easier for our children to get their hands on these things these days. All they have to do is get the America Online hours disk out of their parent’s mailbox, get online, and get onto any respectable shareware site. That’s it! That’s all these kids have to do to get their hands on this thing. It’s horrifying, and frankly we should have done something about it years ago.”

The creators of the game defended it against the most recent wave of attacks. 

“Oh come on, we’ve been getting blamed for this stuff ever since the game came out,” Richard Gray, a level designer on the 1996 release. “Well actually, not ever since. Most people moved on and started blaming violence on things like mental health, doors, or at the very least Call of Duty or something. What world is this asshole living in where he’s still worried about Duke Nukem 3D?”

Gamers were largely outraged over the continued allegations of ties between video games and real life violence. 

“First of all, they have these games all over the world, not just America,” said Laura Carlton, a local gamer. “And second of all, that game is 26 years old, I’ve never heard of it before this, and it sounds stupid as hell. How long are we going to keep blaming specific pieces of media for what is clearly an American problem? When are we going to finally start talking about the real problems we’re facing?” 

As of press time, Senator Weatherford had introduced a motion to ban EverQuest from American servers due to its addictive grip on America’s youth. 

Hey, r/HomeDefense! Do You Think a Dozen AR-15 Rifles and 20,000 Hollow Point Rounds Would Be Enough to Defend From a Home Invasion? Scottsdale Is Getting More Dangerous by the Day So I’m Looking to Optimize My Setup in Case I Ever Have a Family :) Thanks!

Posted on by Andy Holt

Follow-up post: Thanks for all your replies! I didn’t mean to set off such a firestorm of debate! Many have asked for a tactical rundown of my residence and my plan in the event of an invasion, so they can recommend the right gear. So, here it is:

I recently moved into a studio apartment in a gated complex in Scottsdale, AZ. I immediately asked the “security” at the complex about their action plan in the event of a coordinated violent gang attack. I explained that I’ve seen more and more sketchy characters operating around town lately and it’s only a matter of time. 

Now, tell me if you’ve heard this one before—the security guard said they “check IDs” when people come in. That’s it! No steel bunker to stop heavy vehicles. No elevated lookout positions. They didn’t even have body armor!

Basically, I’m a sitting duck, and so are my wife and children someday if I ever have a wife and children. And I don’t take threats to my wife and children lightly.  

My defensive plan begins at the front door. In addition to the wimpy stock deadbolt (lol), I’ve installed a system of four discrete locks—one electronic, one key, one combination, and a steel bar that locks across the entryway. The bar is designed not to stop the intruder, but to slow them down, giving me an immediate tactical advantage from behind the mini-fridge and George Foreman grill, where I have stashed a gym bag with six fully loaded AR-15 rifles. (I’m thinking of adding a backup rifle over there, too, in case one of them jams—has anyone here had success with that method?)

In his violent rage, the reckless criminal won’t even look in my direction. That’s because he’ll be focused on the most valuable item in my apartment, the brand-new PS5 I’ve placed as bait in clear sight of the door. This “honeypot” will distract the intruder and trick him into letting his guard down (a clever tip I learned from this subreddit—thanks u/yourworstnitemare14!). 

That’s when I will strike, unleashing a devastating series of tactical maneuvers that will leave that thug wishing he’d never underestimated me the way so many others do, judging me by appearances without knowing about the beast underneath.

So, my question: Once I strap on my body armor, check that the AR-15 is functional, flip the power breaker, toss the smoke bomb, turn on my night vision goggles, and execute a silent forward roll that puts me directly behind the enemy with the gun muzzle at the back of his head, do we think 20,000 hollow point bullets will be enough to kill him? I’m open to upping to 30,000 if it’s worth it, because if you come after my PS5 and eventually wife and children, you are going to die. Justice will be served, and I will be that justice, and nobody will ever laugh at me or disrespect me ever again.

Any further advice would be much appreciated!

Note: Several of you asked about my plan for the windows. Personally, I believe that windows are simply too big a vulnerability. I’ve bricked over all the windows in my house, letting no light enter. Otherwise, the violent gangs would be able to see inside my house, meaning they could operate from a reliable floor plan. No thanks. Plus, I know there are “bullet-proof” glass options, but the sad fact is that most .50 cal sniper rifles can get through that glass with only 6 or 7 shots. (Yes, I’m a no-glasser. I welcome differing opinions on this subject, assuming we can keep things civil. Thank you.)

Biden Loses Another Entire Day to Cookie Clicker

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden has reportedly dwindled yet another day away playing Cookie Clicker, the massively popular idle game. 

“Oh god damn it, it’s dark out again,” said the 46th President of the United States upon realizing another day had gotten away from him. “This son of a bitch here is so hard to stop playing. I don’t like video games, no sir, but this cookie deal here, this is something else. This is the real deal right here. I’ve been making some tough decisions, like whether to create more grandmas, or hire some farmers to grow cookies.”  

“I got a lot of mines cookin’ here too, baby,” President Biden added. “I can’t stop now! Come on, man!”

Criticisms of the president were quickly dismissed by his press secretary 

“The President is free to spend what little free time he has however he wishes,” said Karine Jean-Pierre at a press conference earlier today. “Obama made his basketball brackets, and Trump sucked down diet cokes and posted all day, why can’t President Biden play a popular video game? I assure you that reports of us pleading with him to stop being ignored have been fabricated by certain media outlets. He’s fine.”

Gamers were sympathetic with the leader of the free world, to a point. 

“I tried Cookie Clicker as a goof, and honestly it’s pretty fun,” said Mike Nemeth, a local gamer. “It’s really well designed. It’s just pure gaming, distilled into the good stuff. There’s really no shame in getting sucked into it if that’s your thing. That said, Biden promised he was going to address student debt and COVID-19, not sit around playing a goddamn idle game all day. Someone get him off of Cookie Clicker, please.”

As of press time, Biden had revealed a plan to save up enough cookies to get the production of factories all over America to double instantly. 

New ‘Breaking Bad’ Spin-Off to Explore Wrong Turn Taken by Bugs Bunny in Albuquerque

Posted on by Jake Menez

LOS ANGELES — Vince Gilligan announced today that the newest project in the rapidly-growing Breaking Bad universe will follow Bugs Bunny during the events of the infamous wrong turn he once took while traveling through Albuquerque.

“We are so excited to bring What’s Up to AMC this fall and to finally see what happens in the moment when Bugs Bunny forgets to take that left turn at Albuquerque,” Gilligan said in a statement. “The world of Breaking Bad’s Albuquerque is one that means a lot to me, but my love of the southwest first began watching Looney Tunes. I can’t wait to share this show with audiences and connect the story I’ve been telling since 2008 with the one that Mel Blanc, Chuck Jones, and everyone at Warner Bros. have been telling since the 1930s. I think everyone is going to be really excited to see just how Bugs Bunny became the Bugs we know and love in Breaking Bad.”

Unlike Better Call Saul and El Camino, which take place before and after the original series respectively, What’s Up will explore the world of Walter White’s criminal empire from a completely separate perspective. An early trailer screened for the press shows images of Bugs Bunny as a drifter who accidentally ends up in Albuquerque on his way to Pismo Beach and is pursued by law enforcement after being confused for Heisenberg.

Other co-headlining stars who will be featured in What’s Up include Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd, as well as Dean Norris, who will reprise his role as Hank Schrader from Breaking Bad.

“At first I was skeptical of this project, but these ‘toons sure are fun to work with,” said Norris. “That rabbit is a really great scene partner, but I didn’t think he had the chops to play someone damaged like the script calls for. Vince is able to find humor and seriousness in the writing really well, too. The other day we recorded a scene we did where [Bugs Bunny] sticks his finger in Hank’s service revolver, and instead of the bullet getting stuck like in Looney Tunes, it gets blown clean off. That’s when I knew we might have a hit on our hands.”

At press time, eagle-eyed fans were already predicting potential multi-season arcs for the series after spotting an ACME industries logo on a shipment crate from a mysterious unknown drug cartel.

Nintendo Announces the Mew Under the Truck Has Died

Posted on by Max Barth

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo announced via press release that the Mew hidden under the truck in Vermillion City has passed away. 

“We are sad to let the Nintendo family know that the Mew under the truck died last week, primarily from natural causes, if you consider twenty-five years of neglect ‘natural,’” said the statement posted on the gaming giant’s homepage last evening. 

Pokémon trainers worldwide found themselves asking if anything could have been done to prevent such an unspeakable tragedy.

“My friend told me in 1998 that he’d heard Mew was capturable, and that you simply had to use Surf to get over to that truck,” said one player who asked not to be named to keep “the proper respect and focus” on the recently deceased rare Pokémon. “It was a rumor, so I dismissed it out of hand. I didn’t even try to go over there and check the truck, I just went to the next gym. I was wrong. I was selfish and naïve, and poor Mew paid in blood.”

Mew, #151 in the Pokédex, was said to possess genetic traces of all other Pokémon. Experimental medical tests on its “bloated little corpse,” which washed up on the eastern shore of Cinnabar Island in the Kanto Region, have confirmed that to be the case.

In a tersely worded public statement, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa put the blame on players for Mew’s tragic death.

“We understand how traumatic it is for the entire Pokémon community to realize that Mew was actually under the truck this whole time, waiting to be discovered. But now it’s too late,” said Furukawa. “By declaring Mew’s existence a mere rumor, or by giving up the search too quickly, players all but sentenced Mew to a joyless life and painful death from smoke exhaust and emotional neglect. If only our carefully released hints concerning Mew’s location under that truck had been heeded. If only Mew’s plaintive cries had been heard over the raging surf. May Mew now rest in peace, despite its gruesome last hours in an uncaring and cruel world.”

As of press time, Mew’s lifeless body was being dumped into the sea from the deck of the S.S Anne.

Remembering the GameCube: That Fucker Ruled

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Well, it’s another day of absolutely fuck all video game news, so what the hell, I thought today would provide a wonderful opportunity to reflect on a beloved system that somehow still doesn’t get the respect many feel it deserves when considered in the pantheon of classic gaming consoles: The Nintendo GameCube. In short, that fucker ruled, huh?

Now, I don’t know the most about specs or hardware and things like that, but I feel qualified by way of being a lifelong gamer. Do you know what the GameCube did that no other system has done since or will ever have the balls to do again? They put a little handle on that thing! You could carry that bastard onto the bus and people might think you had a lunch in it. Nah brah, no lunch, just a copy of Mario Superstar Baseball.  

That’s another thing, those optical discs were so tight, weren’t they? I could honestly just run around and throw the discs at people and use the GameCube to swing around and hit the ones that had a problem with it. These are fun things you can do without even plugging the dang thing in! Today’s heavy ass bulky systems could never offer this level of versatility out of the box. You’re practically chained to your television with an HDMI cable. 

There was other cool shit about the GameCube, as well. I thought the controller kicked ass, and I can’t all the way remember if the Star Wars game I’m thinking of was on there, but I’m pretty sure it was! It was really fun. You could also do shit with your Game Boy Advance too. I can’t remember what all the way. Take pictures or something? It was innovative as fuck though, whatever it was, you gotta admit. 

Another key radical feature of the GameCube? They made it be in different colors. A LOT of different colors. This part will seem sarcastic, but the orange one they made? One of the coolest things you’ll ever see. It’s a work of art. You don’t even need to turn on a GameCube for it to kick ass. You ever see that first Xbox they made? It looks like a fucking cinder block. 

But if you did turn it on, oh man. You ever do that thing where you hold the X button and it plays like a whole different song?! Or was it the Y button? Either way, it kicked absolute ass. Two start-up songs for the price of one console! Insane!

So yeah, that’s it dude. We’re just kinda sitting around DM’ing each other about the GameCube today. It was a really fun video game system, but you know what? In this professional’s opinion, most video game systems can be pretty fun at times. 

What did you like best about the GameCube? Sound off in the comments! And if someone already mentioned your favorite thing, go ahead and harass them a little!