FAIRFAX, Va. — NRA spokespeople have made a public plea for the teachers of the world to play more violent video games, sources have confirmed.
“Enough fucking around with farming and simulation games,” said Carolyn D. Meadows, President of the National Rifle Association. “These teachers today need to get real and start playing Call of Duty or Destiny or something. Figure out a loadout they’re comfortable with, and just be ready for what the job entails. These killing simulators have been in the hands of our children for decades and we need the teachers of America to keep up if we want to keep our classrooms safe in any way.”
Most teachers agreed that proficiency in violent video games was a preposterous requisite for an already difficult position.
“We as teachers can’t be expected to keep up with violent video games,” said Allison Folsom, a seventh grade science teacher. “Between instructing, communicating with parents, and all of the time before and after class this job requires, I just don’t have the time to grind out Apex or anything like that these days. I’m lucky if I can play a day on Stardew Valley with a glass of wine before I fall asleep.”
“Besides,” she continued. “I was in high school when Columbine happened, and Doom was the problem. Now I’m a teacher and Doom is the answer? These people really spend lifetimes talking in circles, huh?”
After agreeing to be interviewed, several local police officers grew frightened at lines of questioning involving hypothetical shooting situations.
“D-d-d-d-did you say an armed 18-year old?” asked police lieutenant Charles Dabney, after plunging into a nearby bush following a misunderstanding of the topic at hand. “Here, let me give you my gun and you can throw it into the window and hope something good happens. You never saw me here, got it? Go find a teacher, it’s your only shot!”
As of press time, a would-be school shooter was stopped by a teacher who beat him to death with the red team’s flag.