One Piece Isn’t Too Long, You’re Just Afraid of Commitment

Posted on by Kevin Podas

Author Eiichiro Oda recently announced that his manga series One Piece will be ending “soon,” within 5 years. The series is celebrating its 25th anniversary this month, so relatively speaking, 5 years feels really damn close. The manga is on a brief hiatus right now to prepare for entering its “final saga,” and Oda’s message to those uninitiated is that now would be the perfect time to catch up and join the crew. If your reaction to that is “no thanks, One Piece is too big and scary for me” you are quite simply a big old coward who is afraid of commitment.

But you can change. I can help you.

I got into One Piece back when it first came to America. I was (un)lucky enough to catch the butchered 4Kids dub of it on FoxBox. Despite the glaring censorship which has been memed to death over the years, I somehow found enough enjoyment in it to keep watching. Eventually I stumbled upon the manga volumes at my local bookstore, and realized then how mangled the version I had been watching was, and with incredible resolve, I never looked back. I’ve been reading One Piece for well over half my life at this point, but that isn’t a problem for me because I’m not scared of loyal devotion to something I love — which is a message baked into the themes of the series itself.

It has taken time for One Piece to move past its poor first impressions overseas. Relatively untouched series like Naruto and Bleach surpassed it in popularity at the time, but as those began to fizzle out in quality, One Piece became more available and people were willing to give it a chance again. People who are more likely to have longer-lasting relationships, or stick to a job for more than six months, for example.

While the anime certainly has its ups and downs in terms of animation quality and pacing, strong and courageous fans have written up helpful guides to consume it in the best way possible if you truly desire to watch it. The One Piece anime is unfortunately still sort of tied to an old-school means of production, where the series must constantly be on-air every week of the year, and if you run out of material from the manga, just pump out some filler episodes or pad out the fights as much as possible. Think of Frieza’s “5 minutes” til planetary destruction, for example. 

Newer series like Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia have opted for seasonal releases, which lends itself to less filler and higher-budget animation when production is allowed to be more focused and refined. The One Piece manga, however, has retained a level of quality and pedigree which have arguably reached new heights as of recently, so there is no excuse not to read it unless you find yourself holding back in most other areas of your life too. I mean god, who knows what else you might be missing out on if you’re not reading One Piece, right?

Running since 1997, One Piece has shown me that extensive length does not make a series bad. In fact, it has inspired me to seek out other long-running manga series with positive reputations, like Hajime no Ippo and Detective Conan. A series staying fresh for so long, over many iconic story arcs, can be a huge testament to its quality. Far too many people will write off an anime if it’s longer than 26 episodes, or won’t read a manga if it’s been running for too long. Sure, there are some series that need to be taken out back and put out to pasture, but One Piece is not one of them. 

I try to be optimistic when it comes to humanity. It’s tough sometimes, but I truly believe people are capable of great things. That’s something that the fictional pirates of One Piece have taught me time and time again. So when I tell you that you should read a manga series that is over 1,050 chapters or watch an anime that seems endless, that isn’t me trying to punish you. That’s me saying, “I believe in you.” You know why? Because you are my nakama. Don’t know what that means yet? Read the manga, you’ll be better for it.

Crazy Sci-Fi Future Drug Just Heroin

Posted on by Naomi Krause

NEO YORK — A new drug in the sci-fi world of 2087 is riddled with a terrifying futuristic drug that’s actually just heroin.

“They’re calling it Priz and it’s tearing our super city apart, god-damn it. We need to get in there and fight these terrifying cyber gangs peddling this shit,” said Head Robo Police Chief Borko O’Malley. “We’ve never seen anything like this. But also, I should specify that it is just heroin. It’s the same old heroin we’ve had for hundreds of years. Doctors used to prescribe it if you were acting kinda looney. But now it’s Priz. If you see anyone selling it, you have full authority to murder them on sight.”

Priz-addicted cyber gangs have reportedly started to realize that the drug is not actually something new.

“I guess when you make it a yellow gas in a glass capsule, it feels new. But I was at a party the other day and tried heroin and I was oh wait that’s just Priz. I’ve had this. Makes you feel dumb,” said local brain hacker Rick Zipper. “And heroin’s way cheaper, because you don’t have to make it that yellow gas. I bet we’re spending a goddamn fortune buying up those glass canisters too, when we really could just be selling pills.”

Despite criticism upon the revelation, the marketing team behind Priz’s rebrand has remained vigilant that it was a good idea.

“I’m sorry, but don’t tell me how to do my job. Heroin was not selling. People are really anti heroin right now,” said Prizcorp Enterprises executive Dorn Scooper. “It’s my job to market our products to new generations and everybody likes when things are fresh and different. That’s how I came up with the idea of just changing the name and look of heroin. Sorry if it’s not science fictiony enough for you, but this isn’t a movie, it’s the real world. The real world of 2087. There’s nothing glamorous about taking a pill or heating up a liquid over a spoon. Priz is hip. Priz is cool. Priz is heroin.”

At press time, Prizcorp Enterprises announced a new drug that isn’t heroin called Gork, but admitted shortly later that it was in fact just cocaine.

Game You Never Got Around to Trying Getting Full Blown Remake You’ll Never Get Around to Trying

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DETROIT — A game that always sounded a little interesting but never quite enough to play has announced a full blown remake you doubt you’ll ever pull the trigger on. 

“Whoa, they’re remaking Lollipop Chainsaw?” said your friend Jamie. “I never played it, but I heard it was alright. Didn’t you say you wanted to check it out sometime? I remember we were at the bar after we went to see Prometheus and you were saying you might rent it. Holy fuck, I just realized that was an entire decade ago. God damn! So, did you ever end up renting it? If not, you could probably just wait until the new one comes out.” 

The recently announced Lollipop Chainsaw remake joins a growing list of modern adaptations of games whose necessity you and your friends aren’t convinced of. 

“I don’t know man, they keep putting these games out again and like, they’re not that old?” said your buddy Howie, a real solid dude. “People work their ass off to remaster a game like XIII, and then every decision they make is bad, and then the remake comes out and is terrible, and all the while the original is still listed on Steam. What the fuck are we even doing here? Do we need a full remake of every game we can think of that’s more than a few years old?” 

Strangely, several key contributors to the original Lollipop Chainsaw have reportedly been left out of the new version’s development. 

“Yeah, nobody even reached out, it was really confusing to me,” said filmmaker James Gunn, who scripted the original version of the game and reported that he hasn’t been contacted about the remake. “I’ve gotten some answers, though. It turns out once a game is ten years old, a lot of the technology they have these days just automatically starts working on a remaster of a game. You’d be surprised how much of it is automated. The rumor is the only reason those Grand Theft Auto remasters came out so bad was because some guy’s boot got stuck in the machine.” 

As of press time, you saw a trailer for a remake of a movie you always meant to check out but probably still won’t ever get around to seeing.

Ranked: Video Game Customization By How Easily I Can Make a Penis-Shaped Thing in It

Posted on by Just Lunning

With so many games available, It can be difficult to determine which are worth playing. Luckily there’s a hard and fast symbol that, if you can finish it with ease, will separate those that are slow to rise from the cream of the crop. I’ve ranked the top ten games in existence by the only thing that matters –– how easy it is to create a penis-shaped thing. 

Any game that allows you to create a fully recognizable cock is at the apex of gaming. The easier it is to create a member, the quicker you’ll get my attention. Extra points if the imagery has a purpose outside of being a copy of male genitalia. Here are the top 10 games, ranked by how easily I can craft a big honking dong in them.

#10 — Tetris

Like any good johnson, a schlong created in Tetris is an impressive sight.  Similar to real-world ginormous willies, pulling this off is mostly luck-based. You need the right combination of long big pieces to make the shaft and those curvy pieces (well, by block standards) to make the scrotum. It’s no easy task, but a real Tetris master can get it done.

#9 — Minecraft 

Making boners happen here is a laborious task, necessitating a team and countless hours of supportive dialogue. Despite the time commitment, a Minecraft-made stiffy is one of the most impressive things ever.  Once created, you could spend hours scaling this digital cock. Even more time spent jumping from the suspended cum platforms that your creation spews. 

#8 — Kingdom Hearts 3

Source

Every Kingdom Hearts planet has one thing in common: you can penetrate the atmosphere using a giant virile whang. It doesn’t matter if you’re meeting Mickey Mouse or Xenonort, you can always arrive in style by riding a cock shaped Gummi-ship to my destination. Flying on the cock of your dream requires some work. Be prepared to spend up to an hour designing your phallic spacecraft.

#7 — Spore

Source

You can be a living, breathing penis. This takes a minute, but you can also make your hands, fingers, nostrils, and other body parts into penises. However this is a one-time process that has some expansive ramifications. An hour into the game, your tribe will auto-populate with genital-shaped creatures. A few hours after that, your penis pals will be elevated to civilization. No game on here matches what you can do with your homemade pecker in scope. 

#6 — Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

It takes no time at all to create a stage in Super Smash Bros inspired by real-life smashing. But why make your own stage? When custom stages were added to the game in 2019, servers were immediately flooded by cocks. Numerous years have passed since then. You should be able to find a cock that fits your desires within minutes. And then, instead of fighting over it, you can fight on top of it! What’s an orgy without the Smash Bros?

#5 — LittleBigPlanet

A game starring a character called “Sackboy” is as explicit as you might expect. You can easily make your playable character into a dick or you can quarantine your NSFW interests to levels found across the game. Using the robust creation tools you can make a shoddy penis in minutes or you can spend some more time molding a reactive cock that can move on its own. Or, like in the above video, you can make a rocket penis car that you propel into an equally well crafted set of lady parts. The world is your oyster. 

#4 — Soul Calibur

While Smash includes a cock that can be fought on, Soul Calibur completes the circle with a groin you can use to smack characters. The biggest reason to ever touch this fighting game is to beat people up with a large cock. Follow this YouTube tutorial to add a meat stick to your favorite character in less than 10 minutes. The ease of creating family jewels propels this one to nearly the top of this list.

#3 — Mii Creator 

In just a minute (as much time as it takes to wash your hands of filth), you can make a Mii face into a penis. A literal dick face. The phallic physiognomy transformation can then be used in all the Mii-compatible games like Mario Kart and Smash. This is a quick dick transformation that will come with you to all the big party games.

#2 — Genshin Impact 

Once you’ve unlocked the Serenitea Pot custom home designer after 15-ish hours of play you can make a phallus in seconds. But you have to be sneaky about it. It’s nearly impossible to erect a straightforward cock. Instead, you must craft a structure that will cast a weenie-shaped shadow on the ground.

#1 — Animal Crossing: New Horizons

There are numerous ways to swiftly make a penis, each greater than the last. Your first chance to craft a penis comes when you open your land. You may name your island something cheeky like 8==D or Pen Island. It’s a fine reflection of a cum launcher, but you can do better. 

Once you unlock Terraforming, your penile powers will grow. You can create the phallic pond of your dreams. Or a later New Horizons’ unlock allows you to bring your favorite boner to the island. Upload a pristine pecker photo to this website and you can bring it straight to your island via the Able Sisters. Seasonally, you can also partake in the in-game fireworks festival, where you can create custom fireworks. As you can imagine, this is an easy way to produce your very own penis firework, surpassing human engineering.

Kevin Feige Horrified After Learning Some Sickos Have Watched Every Marvel Movie and TV Show

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

LOS ANGELES — President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige was aghast recently when he learned that there were some fans that had consumed every single Marvel movie and television show that’s been released. 

“Wait…. All of them? No…” Feige reportedly said, upon learning the news. “That can’t be right. That’s impossible. I mean if you like cereals, you don’t go to the supermarket and buy one of every single box, right? That would be insane! This must be a mistake, maybe someone has watched every movie? But not the TV shows too. You know Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. ran like six years? Even I stopped watching around season two.”

“Maybe we should stop making these things,” Feige added. “Do people feel obligated to be watching this?! That can’t be right. There’s so fucking many! You’re telling me people have seen Iron Man 2?! As long as they’re not ranking them, I guess. That would really fuck me up.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Feige had a breakdown in the meeting upon hearing there were people who could name every character in the superhero team The Eternals.

“I couldn’t tell you what my name was in that movie if you put a gun to my head,” said actor Angelina Jolie. “And I do fully expect to one day be put in that situation if it’s true that there are depraved sickos out there who have seen every single Marvel movie and TV show. I am confident that I will eventually have a gun to my head and the only way out is to name my character from The Eternals. Which is………… Cor….po? Maybe I’m Morbius? I see that name online a lot, so I must be Morbius.”

Despite not being reached for comment, one of these sickos did attempt to send us a statement, but we were too horrified to handle the letter they sent.

Sexually-Awakened J. Jonah Jameson Demands Feet Pictures of Spider-Man

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson shocked staff today when, after a recent sexual awakening following an adult retreat, he demanded the Bugle photographers get him feet pictures of local vigilante Spider-Man.

“Dammit! Regular pictures won’t do it anymore!” Jameson bellowed to the Bugle photography staff this morning. “Why can’t anyone get me a picture of Spider-Man’s feet? I’ll settle for costume-on! I didn’t spend fifty-one years in the newspaper industry denying my kinks for some hack photographer to get me a photo of him apprehending a criminal from the waist up. He may be a menace to society, but I want to decide for myself if his feet are going on my special DeviantArt page. If Spider-Man is out there listening, I demand he reveal his identity, turn himself in, and send me some of his old shoes.”

Daily Bugle staff photographer Peter Parker expressed his misgivings about his new assignment.

“As a friend of Spider-Man, I’m worried Mr. Jameson is thinking I’ll pull through for him,” Parker said. “I can’t explain why, but I think I’ll be able to pull it off. Just makes me feel kind of…dirty. I mean, for Spider-Man. I feel bad for that guy. He’ll have to pay big. It seems like he’s willing to, though, he actually gave me $600 advance to make sure Spider-Man gets a pedicure beforehand.”

Jameson elaborated on what he would do with the photos he requested.

“The good people of New York deserve to see this so-called-superhero’s face,” Jameson began. “Furthermore, once this Spider-Menace started taking justice into his own hands, New York has the right to see his feet handcuffed together and pressed through a chain-link fence. Let’s get that real-life-hentai tentacle monster Doc Ock in there too while we’re at it.” 

At press time, Jameson was not satisfied with the photos Parker eventually turned in, citing that it looked like Peter got lazy and just took photos of his own feet instead.

skate. Will Be Filled With Microtransactions, Just Like Real Skateboarding

Posted on by David Arriaga

Despite the Skate series’ attempts to offer a more realistic skateboarding simulation, it’s still not real enough for hardcore skaters. Skate 4 – or skate., as I guess we have to call it now – is finally addressing that complaint in the most EA way possible: It’s going to be a free-to-play game with microtransactions. After all, what’s more true to the skateboarding lifestyle than having your wallet drained by little hidden fees that add up over time?

EA confirmed that it won’t utilize pay-to-win mechanics for skate., but it’s unclear what the game’s shop will contain. Wheels? Deck graphics? Truck colors? Hospital bills? That all has the potential to add up if you want to live your skateboarding dreams. That might be the most honest depiction of real skateboarding we’ve ever seen in a game.

If you’re a beginner, real skateboarding has a low cost of entry (though it’s not free, like skate.). You just need to buy a board and start moving. Though to be safe, you’ll also want to pick up a helmet and some pads. Easy and cheap … if you want to have a miserable time. The more you skate, the more you’re going to want to invest in some better parts to make your ride smoother. Wheels, grip tape, bearings, trucks – all those microtransactions start to add up as you customize your board.

I hesitate to write this in case EA is reading but: Like The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, parts deteriorate over time too. You’ll need to replace all those parts I mentioned. The less money you spend to do that, the sooner you’ll just have to replace them again. Oh, and don’t forget that you’ll need skating shoes too and those will also need to be replaced. Before you know it, you’ve become a whale in the skating world.

That’s just the functional part of the equation. The hyperrealism EA can really bring to the table is with cosmetics. Skateboarding is an act of self-expression, and that costs cold hard cash in America. Let’s start with the board itself. Deck graphics can range from just the name of the company to an entire painting of whatever the hell the artist making it was feeling when they made it. That graphic speaks to your character; no one wants to roll into some skateboarding compilation video with a Walmart board that says “live, laugh, skate” on it. And you can’t just have any old truck or wheels with that. You’ll want to customize those too to visually complete your board.

The same pressure is on clothing thanks to the commercialization of skate culture. Some skaters find themselves dropping a couple hundred dollars for one oversized hoodie and an extra baggy pair of jeans with a snoopy patch on the back. It doesn’t even matter how good they are at skating – you can’t buy skill, but you can buy cool. In reality, you don’t need to spend a dime on fashion to be a skater, but there’s a psychological pressure there. Like most games with purchasable in-game cosmetics, if your style is on point, outsiders will just assume you are a good skater. When you see one person with a default skin and another fully blinged out in a Fortnite lobby, who do you assume is winning the match?

That aspect of bastardized skate culture is sure to creep its way into skate. Streamers won’t be able to get by off of hours of gameplay, skill, and technique alone. They will need to update their avatars and decks to make sure they stay on the latest trends. In skate., it likely won’t matter if you can tre-flip over a moving train. It’ll be about how good your avatar looks while doing it.

The promise of live updates should keep the profit – I mean party – going. We don’t know how far EA will go with its microtransactions in the game, but it’s safe to assume self-expression will be for sale. That’ll keep the same spots feeling new with evolving style, just like real life. If EA replicates even just one of the aspects of skating I mentioned here, this will be the most realistic and profitable skateboarding game to date. 

Simon Belmont Takes Damage a Few Times to Make Room for Second Helping of Turkey

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

TRANSYLVANIA — Famed vampire hunter Simon Belmont reportedly took a few punches to make room for a second helping of turkey, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, every now and then I let a ghost whack me in the head a few times if I’m feeling like I want another one of these bad boys,” said Belmont while eating a perfectly cooked turkey leg that he found in a wall. “Ya know, ‘cause they taste good, but if my health bar’s full, I just have to leave it there. Kinda sucks. So a few bonks to the face and I’m munching on turkey leg. Great trade for me.”

Nearby enemies were reportedly confused by Belmont’s actions after he let them attack him.

“Dude, it was so weird. He just put his whip down and let me blast him in the face with a fireball. Then he killed me. What?” said a confused ghost. “I hope everything’s cool with him, because it would bum me out if he was really depressed or something. I know we’re enemies and all that, but I kind of respect him and appreciate the little routine that we’ve been in. I attack him, he attacks me, so on and so on. But this time he just let me hit him. I dunno. It’s just kind of freaking me out, I guess.”

“Not to mention, he’s been eating so much turkey lately,” the ghost added. “To me, it seems like binge eating and I’m not body-shaming him at all, but it doesn’t seem to be coming from an emotionally healthy place. It’s not for me to say, maybe, but I just hope he’s OK. Plus, he would just wipe his hands all over his leather armor. One time he cleaned his hand on a wall. Just nasty. And I’m a ghost!”

At press time, a very full Simon Belmont dozed off during a fight with Dracula.

Sick, Depraved Streamer Can’t Have Fun Unless Others Are Watching

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ORLANDO — Local sicko Twitch streamer Maverick Correa can’t get off on his gaming online unless a bunch of other people are watching him play with himself.

“Sorry, but I guess I just only like to game in public. I like to know that someone is watching, heh heh,” explained Correa, rubbing his controller’s sticks. “For me, gaming is a bit of a shameful, embarrassing hobby to begin with. So it really multiplies that rush for me if I know that a lot of people are watching me do it. And trust me, I’ve tried solos, I’ve tried duos, and I’ve tried squads. But it just needs to be broadcasted. And I gotta read the comments and shout out the names, baby. Oh god, I thank you for the four months prime, ohhhhh.”

Fans of the stream say that, while they enjoy gaming on their own, it makes them feel more connected to watch someone play video games on the computer.

“He said my name once when he killed a guy. I’ve never gotten such a good feeling from gaming in my life,” said Twitch user BallRunner83. “For me, it feels like we’re all gaming together. I’m like the guys in Eyes Wide Shut who are wearing the masks and just hanging out. I don’t need to fuck the girl or nothing, I just like to be there. Makes me feel included. Sometimes I yell poggers.”

A spokesperson for Twitch said despite objections from some viewers, there’s not really anything they can do about Correa’s gameplay. 

“Look, I know that we have rules against sexual content, but if this guy’s just playing games and letting people watch, it’s hard to really crack down on that. Our TOS are not that specific,” said the representative from Twitch. “At the end of the day, we can’t prove that he’s not just a guy making noise. He’s got all his clothes on and everything. Plus, he’s not a girl — so we can’t just ban him for wearing a kind of shirt or whatever.”

“He’s probably cumming, though,” he added. “I’m pretty sure he’s cumming.”

At press time, Correa posted a long apology video to YouTube after revelations that he had played a duos match in private with someone other than his wife.

Dad Falls for Email Scam Claiming He’s Been Invited to Join the Avengers

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Local father Dean Atkinson accidentally clicked a phishing link emailed to him that claimed it was an invitation to join fictional superhero team The Avengers.

“Son of a gun!” said Atkinson, excitedly putting his credit card information into the response email, as requested. “It says here that as soon I pay my entry dues, armor bill, and cash handling fee, I’ll be first in line to be among the next recruits to The Avengers! You know, I’d never really thought about it, but I might be a pretty good Avenger. Do you think they need an HVAC guy?” 

According to a viral Tiktok video from Atkinson’s daughter Renee, the email was very clearly a scam link.

“It literally said they saw a video of him and wanted him to become a superhero because he had the skills and the heart for it. What the fuck? How is my dad so dumb?” said the video, which was streamed over 16 million times. “I swear to god this is almost as dumb as the time my mom almost divorced him because she thought she was in a long distance relationship with Keanu Reeves.”

Marvel Cinematic Universe head Kevin Feige responded to the controversy.

“I feel so bad about this, it hurts me to know that we got this man’s hopes up that he could join The Avengers. Unfortunately, and this pains me so much to say, but The Avengers do not exist in the real world,” Feige explained. “If The Avengers really did exist — and again, I would do everything in my power to make sure they do, if I could — I would be happy to have Mr. Atkinson join the team. I mean, hell, we have Hawkeye in there. It’s not like it’s that hard to join.”

As of press time, Atkinson hadn’t been seen for three days after reportedly entering a sketchy van driven by a man who claimed to be Tony Stark, but didn’t even have a goatee.